Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 28, 2013, 03:36:47 PM

Title: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 28, 2013, 03:36:47 PM
So this awful thing happened, right?  The cops showed up, then the fire department, then the EMTs.  There was paperwork, reporters asking rude questions, detectives walking around with long faces.  Nobody really wanted to talk about it much.  You know the sort of thing I'm talking about.  It doesn't happen too often, but when it does, it's a horrible mess.

But when all the measurements are taken, the CSU guys are done with the scene, and the reporters have enough soundbites for the nightly Ain't It Awful, every gets the fuck away as fast as they can.  Because then The Cleaners arrive.  You didn't think that mess went away by itself, did you?

First, the fog rolls in.  Nobody talks about that, even in places where fog is unheard of (Tucson, perhaps, or Albequerque).  Then there's this creaking noise, like one of those old ox carts of yore.  And if we weren't smart enough to get out of Dodge, we see him.

Payne.  He pushes a hand cart which leaves wheel ruts full of blood, even before he gets there.  He is dressed in a hooded cloak, which appears to be made out of rags.  He stops and surveys the scene, then begins heaping the bodies onto the cart.

"Could use a little help here", he might grumble.

"unnnnnnng", the dead say by way of reply.

"Oh, shut up."

"unnng?"

"No, you're quite dead.  Shut up.  You just think you're still alive because you don't yet know the difference.  Oh, but you will, my son, you will."

Eventually, he gets all the bits up on the cart.  Most times this is pretty fast work, but in some cases (Jonestown, for example), it's an all-nighter.  Then he wheels his cart back into the fog.  The bloody wheel tracks only go on for about ten feet after you lose sight of him.  He's gone, and the dead are gone with him.  Something gets presented to the family at the nursing home, but that is a different story, indeed.

Back in England, far below Southhampton, Payne and his cart creak and wobble into a large room that was, once upon a time, the sub-basement for a hospital, the name of which is remembered only by historians and the very, very old.  It was, a century ago, a place whose name was used to frighten unruly children.  Pixie is waiting for him, with a clipboard and a pen.

Together, they catalogue the dead, making sure everyone on the list is present, and that no extra bodies are there.  They don't get paid for extras, and questions may be asked.  Once the dead are accounted for, they lay the bodies out on the old gurneys that still line the walls.  Then they go to the stairs, and they catch their breath.

Then they hit the button on the wall.  A low buzzing noise goes off...But they aren't there to see it.  They are running up the stairs like their arses were on fire.  They don't stop running until they get back to their flat.  They neither want to see nor hear what's coming.

Once home, Payne takes his horribly-stained smock off, and looks at Pixie.

"Darling, do you ever wonder what He does with them?"

Pixie, fumbling with a cigarette, looks back at him with a cross look on her face.  "No.  And neither do you, do you hear me?  We don't wonder and we don't ask questions and we shut up and we take the money.  Do you understand?"

"Yes, dear.  I was just wondering."

"Well, don't."

Then they go to bed.  Tomorrow night will be along soon enough, and it can be very tiring work.


Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 28, 2013, 03:41:12 PM
Brrrrrr!
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 28, 2013, 03:43:07 PM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on October 28, 2013, 03:41:12 PM
Brrrrrr!

Someone has to get rid of that stuff.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: LMNO on October 28, 2013, 04:41:32 PM
Nice. Creepy.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Pope Pixie Pickle on October 28, 2013, 09:54:46 PM
eep!
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Chelagoras The Boulder on October 28, 2013, 11:12:36 PM
Nice Roger! I'm really liking these PI stories so far! :)
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Pope Pixie Pickle on October 29, 2013, 12:04:57 AM
whenever roger writes stories about Southampton and it's ancient underbelly I always think of this part of the city where the old medieval  walls are http://www.heritagegateway.org.uk/Gateway/Results_Single.aspx?uid=MSH2248&resourceID=1016
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Payne on October 29, 2013, 05:09:26 AM
Yep. Threads like this are why I never truly leave PD, and never will.

Quote"Could use a little help here", he might grumble.

Is exactly me, too.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 29, 2013, 01:48:05 PM
Quote from: Payne on October 29, 2013, 05:09:26 AM
Yep. Threads like this are why I never truly leave PD, and never will.

Quote"Could use a little help here", he might grumble.

Is exactly me, too.

Aw.

Anyway, whose name gets dragged through the mud next?
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: LMNO on October 29, 2013, 01:48:29 PM
Bring it, sissy.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 29, 2013, 01:49:00 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 29, 2013, 01:48:29 PM
Bring it, sissy.

ohoho! 
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 29, 2013, 01:49:10 PM
After the morning meeting.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: LMNO on October 29, 2013, 01:52:41 PM
AIN'T SKEERED.













although, I should probably kick myself into gear and return the favor.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 29, 2013, 05:09:48 PM
Quote from: Pixie on October 29, 2013, 12:04:57 AM
whenever roger writes stories about Southampton and it's ancient underbelly I always think of this part of the city where the old medieval  walls are http://www.heritagegateway.org.uk/Gateway/Results_Single.aspx?uid=MSH2248&resourceID=1016

God's House Gate and God's House Tower are probably doing business in Tucson now.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 29, 2013, 05:15:22 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on October 29, 2013, 05:09:48 PM
Quote from: Pixie on October 29, 2013, 12:04:57 AM
whenever roger writes stories about Southampton and it's ancient underbelly I always think of this part of the city where the old medieval  walls are http://www.heritagegateway.org.uk/Gateway/Results_Single.aspx?uid=MSH2248&resourceID=1016

God's House Gate and God's House Tower are probably doing business in Tucson now.

We all live underground and nobody lives anywhere else.  Ever since 1963.  They just lie to you, is all.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 29, 2013, 08:47:13 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 29, 2013, 05:15:22 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on October 29, 2013, 05:09:48 PM
Quote from: Pixie on October 29, 2013, 12:04:57 AM
whenever roger writes stories about Southampton and it's ancient underbelly I always think of this part of the city where the old medieval  walls are http://www.heritagegateway.org.uk/Gateway/Results_Single.aspx?uid=MSH2248&resourceID=1016

God's House Gate and God's House Tower are probably doing business in Tucson now.

We all live underground and nobody lives anywhere else.  Ever since 1963.  They just lie to you, is all.

But AZ got London Bridge, right? Is everybody being underground the reason that they haven't revived the tradition of heads on spikes yet?
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 29, 2013, 08:47:56 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on October 29, 2013, 08:47:13 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 29, 2013, 05:15:22 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on October 29, 2013, 05:09:48 PM
Quote from: Pixie on October 29, 2013, 12:04:57 AM
whenever roger writes stories about Southampton and it's ancient underbelly I always think of this part of the city where the old medieval  walls are http://www.heritagegateway.org.uk/Gateway/Results_Single.aspx?uid=MSH2248&resourceID=1016

God's House Gate and God's House Tower are probably doing business in Tucson now.

We all live underground and nobody lives anywhere else.  Ever since 1963.  They just lie to you, is all.

But AZ got London Bridge, right? Is everybody being underground the reason that they haven't revived the tradition of heads on spikes yet?

Colorado, IIRC.  They're too busy making shitty beer to get SERIOUS about that sort of thing.
Title: Re: PI With Malice Aforethought: Pixie & Payne
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 29, 2013, 08:54:23 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 29, 2013, 08:47:56 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on October 29, 2013, 08:47:13 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 29, 2013, 05:15:22 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on October 29, 2013, 05:09:48 PM
Quote from: Pixie on October 29, 2013, 12:04:57 AM
whenever roger writes stories about Southampton and it's ancient underbelly I always think of this part of the city where the old medieval  walls are http://www.heritagegateway.org.uk/Gateway/Results_Single.aspx?uid=MSH2248&resourceID=1016

God's House Gate and God's House Tower are probably doing business in Tucson now.

We all live underground and nobody lives anywhere else.  Ever since 1963.  They just lie to you, is all.

But AZ got London Bridge, right? Is everybody being underground the reason that they haven't revived the tradition of heads on spikes yet?

Colorado, IIRC.  They're too busy making shitty beer to get SERIOUS about that sort of thing.

That goose snot isn't beer.