This is a thread for all those conversations you wish you could have. You know the ones.
I'll start.
Dear Customer,
I was in the process of shipping the order that you placed this morning, and noticed that you requested that I get back to you on whether I could expedite your order and how much it would cost. I sent you the information you requested regarding shipping costs: $8 for Priority (1-3 days), $28 for Express (1-2 days), or no additional charge for the First Class (1-3 days) shipping that you already paid for, and am awaiting your response so that I can move forward with the shipping process. Your order, which would otherwise already be on its way to you, will be delayed while I wait for you to respond.
Dear Customer,
I provide a measurement worksheet for your knowledge. This is so when you take measurements for your clothing order, I can make the best possible fitting garment for your body. If you choose to neglect this worksheet and the measurements I receive are incorrect, I am not responsible for the fit. I asked you several times if you were absolutely sure that you had a 15" shoulder span with a 55" chest, and you swore up and down the measurements were correct, even after I told you that my shoulder span as a woman with a 42" chest span was 18". I cannot process a refund for you, in fact, I couldn't even resell this garment, because after your adamant attestation of the accuracy of these measurements, I just assumed you were badly deformed and stopped questioning the validity of them in the event it would lead to offense. Well, offense intended: You're an idiot.
Dear customer,
I understand you need this order urgently, as a matter of life and death but guess what? Surf's up - I got more important shit to attend to. Go fuck yourself!
Love and kisses,
P3nT
FTR: I delete this exact email and send a proper one in it's place at least twice a month :horrormirth:
Dear Salesperson,
We are a shoe warehouse, not a hospital.
Cut it out with the ALL CAPS emails ad the multiple exclamation marks.
On a similar note: Not everything is urgent.
And another thing: I don't have time for all your special requests. There are about 10 salespersons and only one of me, i cannot possibly process 5 special requests a piece in addition to my normal tasks.
P.S. Learn to use the software, I'm sick of looking things up in the system that you have full access to.
Dear Bossman,
I want the same pay as the Salesidiots or I will stop explaining their jobs to them. Or at least pay me something close to what everybody else with this job gets. You know, like i have been promised several times now?
Dear Customer,
When you place an order and we give you what you order, it isn't us you should be pissed at if it's wrong. We can only do what you tell us to do. We cannot stop you from being an idiot before you speak. For that you want Miss Cleo. Or a shiny can of Shut The Fuck Up soda, which we do not serve, being a Coca-Cola establishment. So sorry.
Pls die in a fire.
Dear Customer,
Stop touching my leg. It's actually not a part of the program. Think of this place as a strip club, with no nudity. Or lapdances. Or sexual gratification of any kind whatsoever. Mostly because I love my work, but also mostly because you're gross. I know how to hurt you, forever.
THX
P.S. OHYEAH. I touch you, you don't touch me.
Dear Customer,
You know that deadline we agreed on?
It doesn't apply if you make "minor adjustments" (a set of convoluted changes equivalent to a 40% rewrite of the document) the day before it.
Regards,
Translator
Dear Customer,
No, oddly enough, I CAN'T make that set of beads in a larger size for the same price. Wait, that's not true... I CAN, I just WON'T.
Dear Customer,
I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening. I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.
The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun. I always enjoyed that aspect of science. However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE. Light works that way, however, pigment does not.
If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class. So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school.
signed,
An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You
Quote from: Rex Bologna on November 22, 2013, 12:13:36 AM
Dear Customer,
I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening. I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.
The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun. I always enjoyed that aspect of science. However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE. Light works that way, however, pigment does not.
If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class. So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school.
signed,
An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You
:lulz: so THAT'S why my school requires science majors to take art classes.
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 22, 2013, 12:21:32 AM
Quote from: Rex Bologna on November 22, 2013, 12:13:36 AM
Dear Customer,
I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening. I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.
The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun. I always enjoyed that aspect of science. However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE. Light works that way, however, pigment does not.
If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class. So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school.
signed,
An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You
:lulz: so THAT'S why my school requires science majors to take art classes.
That really happened, back in the year 2000. I was
flabbergasted.
Quote from: Rex Bologna on November 22, 2013, 12:24:58 AM
Quote from: Mrs. Nigelson on November 22, 2013, 12:21:32 AM
Quote from: Rex Bologna on November 22, 2013, 12:13:36 AM
Dear Customer,
I know you are a science teacher, and therefor obviously more intelligent than I... a humble art store clerk, but I urge you again to rethink the purchase you made earlier this evening. I know you left having ignored my advice, and I would be right to simply let you go and make a fool of yourself in front of your students, but I feel I must make one last attempt to stop you.
The lesson you have planned on light refracting into separate colors, and back again, sounds like a lot of fun. I always enjoyed that aspect of science. However, as I pointed out earlier tonight, the 3 primary acrylic paints you purchased, when blended together, WILL NOT BECOME WHITE. Light works that way, however, pigment does not.
If you insist on mixing those colors together in front of your students, you will end up with an unappealing shade of brown, and losing the respect of your class. So please, if you value the idea of being able to look into the gaze of all your students for the rest of the year without suspecting they are laughing behind their eyes (and they will be), do not take the paints to school.
signed,
An Art Student Obviously Stupider Than You
:lulz: so THAT'S why my school requires science majors to take art classes.
That really happened, back in the year 2000. I was flabbergasted.
Yep, that's pretty amazing. :lol:
Dear Customer,
If you are not willing to even look for the power button on the third-party printer you've used regularly for more than a year, I'm not going to help you get your computer to print with it.
You clearly stated that you understand you called a company that does not make printers—yet you still feel it should be my responsibility to know where the power button is on your one particular printer out of the thousands upon thousands of printers you may have. Fascinating.
To be perfectly honest, it didn't take me 20 minutes to circumvent our web filter to locate a diagram with the power button clearly indicated, but I'm glad you hung up on me when I came back on the line.
P.S. Your banging-on-the-printer routine was potentially funny, but you'll note that in Office Space the Michael Bolton character actually tried pressing some of the buttons first. Jesus fucking Christ.
Dear Customer,
I cannot tell you where the package you ordered from Mrs. Nigelson is without a USPS Tracking number. Maybe next time you should upgrade to Priority Mail which includes free USPS Tracking and $50 of insurance instead of opting for First Class. Or maybe you could have just paid the extra $.90 for a USPS Tracking Number on your First Class package.
How would I know where your package is? You do realize millions of packages are sent every day, right?
Yes, I can hold on.
Ma'am.... That tracking number has letters in it. USPS tracking numbers do not contain letters, unless it's Express Mail. You are giving me a UPS tracking number, maybe you should contact them, considering it's a different company and all.
I'm sorry, but I cannot help you unless you can provide a valid USPS Tracking number.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AINT PAYING FOR SHIT
:horrormirth:
People.
Dear Customer,
You smell like an old IHOP.
Why?
Thanks
Quote from: Alty on November 24, 2013, 01:07:29 AM
Dear Customer,
You smell like an old IHOP.
Why?
Thanks
:vom:
I miss the old barf smiley. The one who was spewing forth a rocket of vomit.
Dear Customer ~
As I have mentioned before, it was over forever when you got after his car with a sledgehammer because another fortune teller told you he was cheating. As of this reading, he won't come back, as he didn't come back after the other reading, or the one before that.
However, I am not in a position to turn down income. If you would like to know if he is coming back, you have my paypal addy.
Love and light,
Stella
Dear Customer,
While I appreciate the idea that you thought that combining the "1 Sundae for $1.49", and the "Buy-one Get-One Sundae" coupons from the 2 separate local newspapers was a stroke of pure genius, it does state clearly on both coupons that they cannot be combined with any other offer. I see from that fact that you did not present the coupons until after both sundaes were made that you may have even noticed this.
After loudly complaining and demanding that I speak with my manager (whom I then had to call at home), having been told "No" for the third time, throwing one sundae directly at me, then claiming the other and loudly marching out of the ice-cream parlour without paying.... it occurred to me that you were never my customer to begin with. I suppose it was just the broad daylight and my bare face hanging out that prevented me from running out and slashing your tires with the box knife.
Wowwwww. Oh how I love/hate customer service!
Dear Customer,
Bitching at me for taking a coupon my location has no obligation to honor is counter-productive to your penny-pinching. You don't get the item FREE because our location isn't participating in said promotion. That isn't how promotions work. You aren't entitled to free shit just because you're in the wrong state. I honored the coupon. You got the sale price. Dumping soda on my floor with a smirk does not move me one way or the other. It's all on camera, if my owner wants to take action, he's got your credit card information and your picture. And the floor gets mopped either way. Sooo . . . get down with your bad self.
XOXO
Dear Customer!
Hello! So happy to serve you. Yes, I am totally a bitch for not having that item you requested. Indeed, sir, only one competitor carries that item. Thank you for inviting me to go fuck myself. No, my smile is not scary and I will not stop pointing it in your direction. Call me a bitch one more time and see what my face does then. I assure you I am enjoying this. No, really. I'm amused. I love watching grown men in fancy business suits devolve into whimpering toddlers over ridiculous things. It reinforces my worldview. Thanks for the laugh.
<3 <3 <3
Actual exchange:
QuoteDear Imageshack,
Uploaded 6 images, 4 actually showed up. Tried to re-upload the missing ones several times to no avail. Also, I hate your redesign, I hate your video tutorials, and I hate that I had to sign up for this. Please pass along my sincere wishes that whoever came up with this chokes on their partner's genitals and vomits. Preferably on tape.
QuoteDear QGP,
Per your request we have deleted the following account and removed all images from our servers.
If you have any questions or need additional assistance please let me know.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on November 27, 2013, 12:17:37 AM
Actual exchange:
QuoteDear Imageshack,
Uploaded 6 images, 4 actually showed up. Tried to re-upload the missing ones several times to no avail. Also, I hate your redesign, I hate your video tutorials, and I hate that I had to sign up for this. Please pass along my sincere wishes that whoever came up with this chokes on their partner's genitals and vomits. Preferably on tape.
QuoteDear QGP,
Per your request we have deleted the following account and removed all images from our servers.
If you have any questions or need additional assistance please let me know.
:lulz: That would probably be my response, too.
Yeah, I really can't fault them on the response at all.
And to be fair, I did ask them to pass the abuse on to the responsible parties, rather than yelling directly at the sap who reads the mail.