Principia Discordia

If I'm in, you know, especially in a poor area, and I see guys walking like they're thugs down the street, I don't care what color they are, I go "That guy looks like they're a thug, and looks like they're tough, okay... If they try to shake me down I'm gonna ignore them and keep walking, and if they come up to me and try to put a hand on me, I'm gonna punch 'em right in the throat. 'Cause I don't wanna jump on top on of 'em and hurt my knees and stuff, when I slam their head in the ground. Plus, I don't wanna kill 'em. 'Cause then I'd have to go to jail and stuff, and they'd have to find that it was done in self defense. Been down that road." So, I'm sitting there and I'm thinking, "Alright. I'm gonna punch this guy in the throat." I'm thinking how hard am I gonna punch him. And I'm not thinking he's a black guy. I'm thinking the guy's walking like a thug, thinks they're tough, and I'm thinking about how I'm going to defend myself. Just like when I've been at the Coast, a few years ago, and walk out of a restaurant in South Padre and they're having a biker rally—and it wasn't like a nice biker rally, most rallies are nice people—it was like thug wannabes, rode up with a motorcycle...and were looking at me, and I was thinking "Okay. Alright. That guy is taking his helmet off. I'm gonna punch him in the throat the minute he tries to get up and do something, and then I'm gonna assault those next three guys. Then they'll probably pull a weapon. I need to take that." I mean, that's what I'm thinking whenever something like that is going on. I can't help it. I'm thinking, "Alright, I'm ready to kill." That's just how I am. And I'm thinking, "Alright. Okay. Instantly assess these guys. These are probably ex-con, real criminals. I've got my three kids here. That gives me, you know, just turbo dinosaur power. And I'm thinking, "Control yourself. Don't have a fight, unless you absolutely got to." You know, the man in me is READY TO TAKE ALL ON!! AND... YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, DON'T YOU? ARGH, YOU SCUM! I HATE GANG MEMBERS AND FILTH! And it has NOTHING to do with black people. But I will STUMP your head in if you start a fight with me, you thug scum! Anyways, excuse me ladies and gentlemen.

It's vaguely turkey shaped, and RWHN tears would be a LOT bigger.

Luchadore mask on a clear plastic mannequin head.

A basket of jam?

The world's largest caramel apple?

Your two front teeth?

A hippopotamus?

Looks like a ginormous heart.

Quote from: 375 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal on December 26, 2013, 08:12:50 PM
So far Nigel is somewhat close!

WELL THEN IT MUST BE HEAD CHEESE

Is it a basket of meat?

A beehive?

A cowboy hat with a basket handle on it, or some kind of THING stuck on another THING.

Something electronic packaged in that plastic that you need to cut with a buck skinning knife while trying not to slice through delicate wires.

A potty chair to catch HFT butthurt.

A child's easter basket filled with various body parts 'donated' by your enemies and decorated with glitter and Sharpie-inscribed runes of fealty.

A bigass Jim Beam decanter that looks like 21st century Axl.

Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 27, 2013, 04:08:00 AM
A child's easter basket filled with various body parts 'donated' by your enemies and decorated with glitter and Sharpie-inscribed runes of fealty.

Well need a bigger basket!

I give up.

IT'S THE GODDAMN 27TH. TELL US ALREADY.

I don't know if this is a gag gift, or I suck at making pasta.

(http://i.imgur.com/yUCGtm0.jpg?1)

(http://i.imgur.com/lENJjrC.jpg?1)

DUDE, THERE'S A FUCKING CHROME PASTA STRAINER IN THERE! ALL I EVER SEE ANYMORE IS FUCKING PLASTIC.
YELLOW.
FUCKING.
PLASTIC.

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 28, 2013, 07:12:25 AM
DUDE, THERE'S A FUCKING CHROME PASTA STRAINER IN THERE! ALL I EVER SEE ANYMORE IS FUCKING PLASTIC.
YELLOW.
FUCKING.
PLASTIC.

I'll mail you the strainer. Along with my butthurt.

Thanks for the strainer, :aaaah: for the butthurt.

What's that red thing in the front? I can't relate it to pasta.

Somebody'll end up using it for an ashtray.

Quote from: 375 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal on December 28, 2013, 07:05:45 AM
I don't know if this is a gag gift, or I suck at making pasta.

(http://i.imgur.com/yUCGtm0.jpg?1)

(http://i.imgur.com/lENJjrC.jpg?1)

My guess: people are fucking idiots.

They know that you like making pasta. They think, "I know! I'll get him a pasta gift basket!"

It's sort of like people knowing that I make beads, so they buy me beads or bead stringing kits. True story. People are morons.

I love getting kits like that.
And I'm also one of those morons, I guess, that would get them for someone if I knew they liked the thing the kit was for.

Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on December 28, 2013, 05:43:00 PM

Quote from: 375 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal on December 28, 2013, 07:05:45 AM
I don't know if this is a gag gift, or I suck at making pasta.

(http://i.imgur.com/yUCGtm0.jpg?1)

(http://i.imgur.com/lENJjrC.jpg?1)

My guess: people are fucking idiots.

They know that you like making pasta. They think, "I know! I'll get him a pasta gift basket!"

It's sort of like people knowing that I make beads, so they buy me beads or bead stringing kits. True story. People are morons.

When I was a broke-ass apprentice mechanic, people never knew what to buy for me.

"He probably already has tools".

:argh!:

My default gift is hair ties. Any time someone doesn't know what to get me, I end up with a baggie of poofy scrunchies.

Quote from: Sita on December 28, 2013, 05:51:08 PM
I love getting kits like that.
And I'm also one of those morons, I guess, that would get them for someone if I knew they liked the thing the kit was for.

Well, here's a sort of rule of thumb:

If someone enjoys knitting, it makes more sense to buy them yarn than to buy them a scarf.

If someone enjoys baking bread, it makes more sense to buy them flour than to buy them bread.

If someone enjoys making beads, it makes more sense to buy them glass than to buy them beads.

If someone enjoys making pasta, it makes more sense to buy them pastamaking supplies than to buy them pasta.

If someone really enjoys fishing, it makes more sense to buy them tackle than to buy them a fish.

And so on and so forth.

In other words, if someone's hobby is to make something from scratch, buying them the premade version of that thing is clueless at best, insulting at worst.

Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on December 28, 2013, 06:55:21 PM

Quote from: Sita on December 28, 2013, 05:51:08 PM
I love getting kits like that.
And I'm also one of those morons, I guess, that would get them for someone if I knew they liked the thing the kit was for.

Well, here's a sort of rule of thumb:

If someone enjoys knitting, it makes more sense to buy them yarn than to buy them a scarf.

If someone enjoys baking bread, it makes more sense to buy them flour than to buy them bread.

If someone enjoys making beads, it makes more sense to buy them glass than to buy them beads.

If someone enjoys making pasta, it makes more sense to buy them pastamaking supplies than to buy them pasta.

If someone really enjoys fishing, it makes more sense to buy them tackle than to buy them a fish.

And so on and so forth.

In other words, if someone's hobby is to make something from scratch, buying them the premade version of that thing is clueless at best, insulting at worst.

Preach, Sister Skinsaw! Thou dost indeed speaketh the truth.

For some ungodly reason, I went through about ten years of people buying me dolphin figurines.
It started with a little blown glass one. It wasn't something I would have bought myself, but it caught the light nicely so I put it on the shelf. Then I guess people started thinking "Oh, she likes DOLPHINS!" and buying me all kinds of goofy ass dolphins.

Quote from: 375 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal on December 28, 2013, 08:16:03 PM

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 28, 2013, 08:08:09 PM
For some ungodly reason, I went through about ten years of people buying me dolphin figurines.
It started with a little blown glass one. It wasn't something I would have bought myself, but it caught the light nicely so I put it on the shelf. Then I guess people started thinking "Oh, she likes DOLPHINS!" and buying me all kinds of goofy ass dolphins.

Oh boy. I have a case of light tuna in water for you.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 28, 2013, 08:08:09 PM
For some ungodly reason, I went through about ten years of people buying me dolphin figurines.
It started with a little blown glass one. It wasn't something I would have bought myself, but it caught the light nicely so I put it on the shelf. Then I guess people started thinking "Oh, she likes DOLPHINS!" and buying me all kinds of goofy ass dolphins.

Oh my god. People were doing that with turtles with me for a while. I have pet turtles, they were like "I BUY YOU ALL TURTLE THINGS" but not like, heat lamps or vitamins or food, ie stuff I can use. Nope. Figurines, T-shirts, crap like that. :|

Quote from: 375 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal on December 28, 2013, 08:15:29 PM
For Nigel's Birthday we should pitch in for a van full of sand. I'm shocked that binks my little baby girl got me this. I guess her gift to me was laughter. Because I laughed pretty hard when I opened it. I was expecting a ham.

:lulz:

Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on December 28, 2013, 08:20:59 PM

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 28, 2013, 08:08:09 PM
For some ungodly reason, I went through about ten years of people buying me dolphin figurines.
It started with a little blown glass one. It wasn't something I would have bought myself, but it caught the light nicely so I put it on the shelf. Then I guess people started thinking "Oh, she likes DOLPHINS!" and buying me all kinds of goofy ass dolphins.

Oh my god. People were doing that with turtles with me for a while. I have pet turtles, they were like "I BUY YOU ALL TURTLE THINGS" but not like, heat lamps or vitamins or food, ie stuff I can use. Nope. Figurines, T-shirts, crap like that. :|

I could have used a lot of practical things then, too. And if anybody insisted on getting me something useless but pretty that I had to dust, there was a Vietnamese grocery down the street with a window full of those gold leaf porcelain figures that I was always stopping to look at. The sun used to hit that window in the morning and those things would just blaze, you HAD to go look. But no, DOLPHINS DOLPHINS DOLPHINS.

I don't like having a lot of one thing. It reminds me of those crazy women with multiple cats, and cat dish towels, pillows, calendars, blankets, potholders, towels, soap dishes, EVERYTHING, all covered in cat hair.

The crowning glory of all this was a big resin family of blue dolphins with glitter in them, leaping through resin surf (also with glitter). They fit in a glass container that you filled with water, and there were five little round floater candles that came with it, that you couldn't find refills for even if you wanted them.

One of the kids ended up breaking it. Oops. Oh, well. :lol:

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 28, 2013, 08:45:13 PM

Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on December 28, 2013, 08:20:59 PM

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 28, 2013, 08:08:09 PM
For some ungodly reason, I went through about ten years of people buying me dolphin figurines.
It started with a little blown glass one. It wasn't something I would have bought myself, but it caught the light nicely so I put it on the shelf. Then I guess people started thinking "Oh, she likes DOLPHINS!" and buying me all kinds of goofy ass dolphins.

Oh my god. People were doing that with turtles with me for a while. I have pet turtles, they were like "I BUY YOU ALL TURTLE THINGS" but not like, heat lamps or vitamins or food, ie stuff I can use. Nope. Figurines, T-shirts, crap like that. :|

I could have used a lot of practical things then, too. And if anybody insisted on getting me something useless but pretty that I had to dust, there was a Vietnamese grocery down the street with a window full of those gold leaf porcelain figures that I was always stopping to look at. The sun used to hit that window in the morning and those things would just blaze, you HAD to go look. But no, DOLPHINS DOLPHINS DOLPHINS.

I don't like having a lot of one thing. It reminds me of those crazy women with multiple cats, and cat dish towels, pillows, calendars, blankets, potholders, towels, soap dishes, EVERYTHING, all covered in cat hair.

The crowning glory of all this was a big resin family of blue dolphins with glitter in them, leaping through resin surf (also with glitter). They fit in a glass container that you filled with water, and there were five little round floater candles that came with it, that you couldn't find refills for even if you wanted them.

One of the kids ended up breaking it. Oops. Oh, well. :lol:

I remember being like, you know what I could really use? Food. I could use food, and maybe a Home Depot gift card. Please?

What I got: Turtle statuettes.  :roll:

Yes, food. Or a damn box of Tide. Things you run out of all the time, and never on payday.
Hell, I'd have been tickled to get toilet paper.

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 29, 2013, 02:18:26 AM
Yes, food. Or a damn box of Tide. Things you run out of all the time, and never on payday.
Hell, I'd have been tickled to get toilet paper.

This is my mom. Toothpaste, toilet paper and cleaning products etc... I never appreciated it, though.

Oh, the not getting practical gifts is something I know too well.
Think that might be why we keep getting towels from my parents (we now have 10 bath towels and 10 or 15 hand/kitchen towels, way more than we ever need). Perhaps it's their way of getting us to give a semi frivolous list next year. Frivolous list would be easier to give if they didn't have such a hard objection to spending money online.

Their thinking is that Christmas is for giving and getting things that are wanted, not things that are needed. Doesn't matter if the needed thing is also the wanted thing.

Gotta love it when people are so attached to the idea of giving gifts that are not "needs" that they give you shit which will only irritate you, and which you will throw away. Because getting you something you NEEDED was totally uncool, even though it's the thing which would have made you happy and excited. It would violate their invisible, impossible spirit of Christmas. So instead they get you something that leaves you depressed and despairing, because THAT's the True Spirit of Christmas.

I got my ma a couple hats. That's all I had to buy for. She was pleased as punch.

Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on December 29, 2013, 05:37:37 PM
Gotta love it when people are so attached to the idea of giving gifts that are not "needs" that they give you shit which will only irritate you, and which you will throw away. Because getting you something you NEEDED was totally uncool, even though it's the thing which would have made you happy and excited. It would violate their invisible, impossible spirit of Christmas. So instead they get you something that leaves you depressed and despairing, because THAT's the True Spirit of Christmas.

That's my in-laws, to be sure.

Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on December 29, 2013, 06:00:41 PM

Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on December 29, 2013, 05:37:37 PM
Gotta love it when people are so attached to the idea of giving gifts that are not "needs" that they give you shit which will only irritate you, and which you will throw away. Because getting you something you NEEDED was totally uncool, even though it's the thing which would have made you happy and excited. It would violate their invisible, impossible spirit of Christmas. So instead they get you something that leaves you depressed and despairing, because THAT's the True Spirit of Christmas.

That's my in-laws, to be sure.

This is what makes me hate Christmas.

Too much stuff you don't want, and you're expected to reciprocate.
Dolphins. Dollar store cologne. Crap.

My folks do that.  One year, they got PISSED THE FUCK OFF when I used gift money - cash, mind you - when I bought necessities with it.  And then, on the other hand, buying lots of cheap crap that doesn't work instead of paying the extra moolah for one thing that does. 

Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on December 29, 2013, 10:44:02 PM
Too much stuff you don't want, and you're expected to reciprocate.
Dolphins. Dollar store cologne. Crap.

I won't fucking play.

I'll make someone a dinner that cost me $50 and would have cost them $200 in a restaurant, but I'll be fucked if I'm going to buy anyone some crap that will end up in a dumpster.

That's the correct reaction. If they can't deal with it, fuck 'em.

I was going to call "panettone" :lulz: