Maybe you won't.
But man, I gotta get this off my chest and I can't send it into the void of emails you won't respond to.
I suspect you are doing so to hurt me, whether you realize it or not. I suspect much of your behavior toward me since the day I broke this cycle has been in an effort to hurt me.
That's OK. And I will tell you why.
I have never been much of an ex to anyone. The only person I have not been a complete horror show toward post breakup was my first serious love. We parted under such amicable terms, really. We talked it out to the very end and beyond. I sort of assumed that everyone would be like that. When they aren't, when people just walk away in spite and anger and refuse to give me the time of day, well, it hurts more than anyting. It's like slamming the door to my heart. Even after all the pain, that even and unilateral DONENESS gets to me.
And I began to feel the same way, I started to spiral, to justify, to bargain, to hate and seethe and spit and curse and generally send mmyself into a time wasting doomsday.
It isn't like that this time.
It came suddenly, as I was using the mantra of "what does not kill me makes me stonger", repeating it over and over every time I thought over your face, above me, nothing but love pouring out of both of us, or the way that every time I touched you, from the first day to the last, and probably forever, I felt electricity and awe in equal measure. When I thought of your voice and the way you're the only person who makes me laugh, the only person who suprises me...
Back to the mantra. It was helping. But then, suddenly, I realized I was just trying to shove you OUT. I wanted my mind to be free of you so I could have peace. Sweet peace. It was in that struggle to shove you away and forget that the intensity of my pain increased.
So I stopped. I sat and purposefully carved a spot in my head for you, a place where every ounce of your person can reside. If you resent me, if you have abandoned me for your own self for reasons I cannot comprehend, if you broke every single promsie you ever made me, if you hold me in contempt...
I contain multidtudes, I am vast, I can contain you in your entirety. I can hold onto the sheer beauty you are capable of, which I have no doubt you will find again, and your fire. I can hold every piece of you here. And as I do I am filled with calm, peace washes over me because I know I haven't wasted my time.
Despite it all, you have enriched my life, even with the tremendous amounts of pain you have and continue to cause me, I am enriched. And for that I am grateful.
I won't curse your memory, I won't curse your name, I won't turn away from that love. And I won't ever do anyting like that ever agian, to anyone.
And for that I am nothing if not filled with gratitude. You have my thanks, and my love.
Yes.
<3
That was beautiful.
Man, that is rougher on the reread than it was getting out.
Quote from: Alty on February 01, 2014, 07:57:01 AM
Man, that is rougher on the reread than it was getting out.
THat's always the case. even in sculpture.
Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on February 01, 2014, 08:11:56 AM
Quote from: Alty on February 01, 2014, 07:57:01 AM
Man, that is rougher on the reread than it was getting out.
THat's always the case. even in sculpture.
Good to know. Sort of a guiding landmark.
This is awesome Alty.
This was a great read, thanks for writing down the words in that specific arrangement. It worked like some sort of magic on me, since I've been in situations similar to both of the ones you're describing. It was... sort of like a "hey! I'm not *that* strange or alone in this world!" kind of feeling.
Cheers,
-S
Huh. I guess I should post more of my love notes.
That's sort of how I talk to all the people I am involved with.
Quote from: Alty on February 04, 2014, 02:48:13 AM
Huh. I guess I should post more of my love notes.
That's sort of how I talk to all the people I am involved with.
Damn, Alty.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on February 04, 2014, 02:54:15 AM
Quote from: Alty on February 04, 2014, 02:48:13 AM
Huh. I guess I should post more of my love notes.
That's sort of how I talk to all the people I am involved with.
Damn, Alty.
Yeah, doesn't do much good. Or bad. It just is what it is, I guess.
Beautiful.