Chapter 1
I remember it all like it was yesterday. Kitty and I had gone to a party celebrating her latest anthology of poetry,
Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I really didn't like literary parties, but I
was her editor, so I kind of had to go.
Now, any editor will tell you that authors and poets are, generally, the worst people on Earth. This party was no exception, and bringing Kitty there was like adding a great white shark to a piranha tank. We weren't there 10 minutes when the trouble started.
After I'd fixed us both a drink, we were approached by the artist "P3nt", who hails from Scotland. I figured I'd introduce them.
"P3nt, I'd like you to meet Kitty Parson, the guest of honor tonight. Kitty, this is P3nt, an artist from Scotland who occasionally hurls himself into the North sea for reasons unknown."
"Hello, P3nt", Kitty began...But then it all went wrong. Kitty couldn't help noticing that P3nt wasn't looking at
her so much as her cleavage.
"oooooohohoho", P3nt replied.
"I'm up here", Kitty said, in a testy voice.
"HOhoooooHo"
"Fuck this noise", Kitty said, reaching in her purse.
"NO KITTY, DON'T", I hollered, but it was too late. Kitty had pulled a 23K stungun out of her purse, and jammed it firmly onto P3nt's arm. P3nt flopped like a fish, then stood straight up, and then toppled over onto his back.
"Now you've done it", I said.
"What? I zapped some ass at a party."
"No. You've initiated what passes among the Scots as a 'courtship ritual'. QUICK!", I yelled to the room in general, "IS THERE ANY HAGGIS AROUND? IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE.
A sea of uncomprehending faces looked back at me. The music had stopped.
"oooo", said P3nt, from the ground, "ooo rumpy pumpy heh heh HAH heh"
"We have to go. Now." I grabbed Kitty's arm and hauled her out toward the car. "If he wakes up before we're gone, it could get really fucking ugly."
I jammed the car in gear, and screeched out of the parking lot. Kitty was looking at me with a cross expression on her face. Clearly she didn't comprehend what was going on, but there was no time to explain.
To be continued
yay! the anticipation is making me giddy!
Quote from: :regret: on March 06, 2014, 04:55:14 PM
yay! the anticipation is making me giddy!
There will be more, but I have a meeting to get to.
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
This had me laughing from the second sentence, and I still haven't stopped chuckling.
OMG OMG OMG. Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I seriously, can I use that? For real? I think I need to use that.
She wants me. Just hasn't figured that out yet... :ECH:
Quote from: Nigel on March 06, 2014, 04:58:30 PM
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
This had me laughing from the second sentence, and I still haven't stopped chuckling.
OMG OMG OMG. Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I seriously, can I use that? For real? I think I need to use that.
Of course you can.
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 06, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
She wants me. Just hasn't figured that out yet... :ECH:
Well, you'll just have to show her, with the traditional courting gifts and performances.
Pretty sure I'll be degreasing the old sporran as we speak :evil:
I woke to the sound of my smartphone ringing. Oh, thank God, all that shit was just a dream, just a horrible dream. I picked up. Kitty wasn't happy.
"You son of a bitch! There's a fucking TELEPHONE POLE on my lawn, with a big bow on it!"
"Aw shit..."
"And someone - or some THING - has been chewing on it."
"Kitty, do you have any scotch in the house?"
"Of course I have scotch in the house. You never know when you'll be entertaining someone who suffers from ageusia, right?"
"Okay, here's what you need to do. Get dressed if you aren't already. Get your notepad and your phone. Then throw the bottle of scotch out the BACK door, then you run out the FRONT door and get in your car. Meet me at the Pig & Whistle."
"Why that shithole? They serve traditional English 'food'...Oh"
"Right. Scotsmen can't get within 200 yards of the stuff. I know that's odd, given what THEY eat, but it works. Just meet me there. And don't forget...Scotch out the back, you out the front."
A half hour later
I waited at the Pig & Whistle for maybe 10 minutes, when Kitty came in, looking both winded and angry. "He saw me leave", she said, "And he followed me all the way here. On foot."
I looked past her, out the window. Sure enough, there he was, across the street...Wearing nothing but a kilt and a pair of hobnail boots. He was walking up and down the sidewalk, gesturing frantically with his arms and screaming at passers-by. At one point, he was hollering at a priest, pointing in our direction, making pelvic thrusts and foaming at the mouth.
"Good GOD", Kitty remarked, "What IS he?"
"Never been to Scotland, have you?"
"Never had the pleasure", Kitty affirmed.
"Well, Scotsmen are technically homo sapiens, not that you can tell by looking at them..."
"Oh, he LOOKS fine. He'd be hot if he wasn't having some kind of perpetual seizure."
"Scotsmen don't have seizures. It's the other way around. Occasionally, a seizure will have a Scotsman. Their women are just as bad, by the way, pretty as they may be."
"Well, then, why don't they date each other?"
"Would you?"
"Point."
At that point, there was a horrible crashing noise as one of the windows broke, and an object rolled across the floor towards us. It was the priest's head...And nailed to it was a piece of paper. I gingerly reached down and snagged the paper, as the other people in the place fainted, became ill, frantically reached for their cell phones, etc.
"What is it?", a horrified Kitty asked.
"It seems to be a love poem. It startes out 'Wee bonnie hen'...but the rest is soaked in blood.
"Hen."
"Hen."
"HEN?"
"Calm down. It's still 1634 in Scotland. That's as PC as they get. Now, we need to make a plan. I know a guy, see..."
To be continued.
:lulz: Oh, this is good.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 06, 2014, 05:05:56 PM
Quote from: Nigel on March 06, 2014, 04:58:30 PM
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
This had me laughing from the second sentence, and I still haven't stopped chuckling.
OMG OMG OMG. Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I seriously, can I use that? For real? I think I need to use that.
Of course you can.
Kitty has updated her biography accordingly: http://hellopoetry.com/kitty-parson/
It has been a while since i laughed that hard.
Still laughing.
:lulz:
This is great.
No woman can resist the charms of scottish romantic poetry. It almost always boils down to insufficient artillery support.
I had to look up "ageusia", yuo bastard.
:lulz:
This is fucking GLORIOUS!
Wonderful.
And plausible.
Night salvaged :lulz:
Quote from: Richter on March 06, 2014, 11:53:13 PM
Night salvaged :lulz:
P3nt's dialogue kinda writes itself.
:lulz: Pure hilarity! Oh gosh, this is great, Roger.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:04:48 AM
Quote from: Richter on March 06, 2014, 11:53:13 PM
Night salvaged :lulz:
P3nt's dialogue kinda writes itself.
I re-read this and can't help but use Garth Ennis "Crossed" voice for p3nt. Don't google that unless you're familiar and OK with Ennis. Crossed is a little extreme to say the least.
Jesus fuck this is great!
Quote from: Junkenstein on March 07, 2014, 09:58:32 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:04:48 AM
Quote from: Richter on March 06, 2014, 11:53:13 PM
Night salvaged :lulz:
P3nt's dialogue kinda writes itself.
I re-read this and can't help but use Garth Ennis "Crossed" voice for p3nt. Don't google that unless you're familiar and OK with Ennis. Crossed is a little extreme to say the least.
I'm a big fan of Ennis, but not of Crossed. It's too gratuitous for me.
I made some kind of horrible braying semi-repressed but very audible noise in the library, and everybody looked at me. Several times.
Well played. :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Killed it.
:lulz:
ECH gave me a good idea, then I had another good idea. Monday will be terrifying. I myself will be terrified.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 09, 2014, 03:42:14 AM
ECH gave me a good idea, then I had another good idea. Monday will be terrifying. I myself will be terrified.
Scrap and scrap?
Brilliant! :)
We watched from a van down the street, as Marius paced in front of Kitty's house wearing a mini skirt and a button-down shirt tied around his midriff.
"This isn't going to work for shit", Kitty said, "He's got a beard like he was in ZZ Top."
"That won't matter", I responded, "Just wait and see".
"This is so awful that I'm having nightmares about it."
A crazy Scotsman chasing her, wearing nothing but a sporran made from the tanned & cured face of Maggie Thatcher. The Scotsman was grunting unintelligbly, and Maggie Thatcher's face was saying over and over again, "Our own independent nuclear deterrent has helped to keep the peace for nearly 40 years." Kitty ran and ran, but never actually got anywhere. That's how nightmares are.
"Look!"
At the next intersection, a flatbed truck had pulled around the corner, and headed for Kitty's house. As it arrived, P3nt leaped out of the passenger side of the cab and onto the flatbed. He slashed a couple of cargo straps, and what appeared to be a bouquet of telephone poles rolled onto Kitty's lawn. P3nt began hopping from foot to foot, saying something like "Hooo heeeee haw haw ooooooo".
And then Marius pulled a sawed-off shotgun out from under his skirt (I thought he was just glad to see me, I thought with rising hysteria), and shot P3nt in the junk with 4 Oz of rock salt. P3nt flew off the back of the flatbed, as Marius took off running like a bat out of hell.
"Now watch", I said, "Just watch".
After a short time, P3nt stood up. Poor Maggie had seen better days. I mean, even as a codpiece for an insane Scotsman. P3nt looked down the street...Then he walked over and pissed on the telephone poles. And then started jogging down the street after Marius. Success.
"It's all over now", I told Kitty, "He's transferred his affections, Scotsman-style, to the latest thing which meets his definition of 'hot'."
I was right about the second part, but wrong about the first part. Horribly, horribly wrong.
To be continued.
:lulz: This is great.
Perfect. :lulz:
Shotgun is definitely more attractive than taser :fap:
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:11:31 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on March 07, 2014, 09:58:32 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:04:48 AM
Quote from: Richter on March 06, 2014, 11:53:13 PM
Night salvaged :lulz:
P3nt's dialogue kinda writes itself.
I re-read this and can't help but use Garth Ennis "Crossed" voice for p3nt. Don't google that unless you're familiar and OK with Ennis. Crossed is a little extreme to say the least.
I'm a big fan of Ennis, but not of Crossed. It's too gratuitous for me.
The web comic run by Simon Surpier(?) is actually quite good. Lot more focus on the people and story rather than rape/murder/horror. That still happens but it's much more nicely handled. Plot is actually quite well thought out too which makes it rather different from most other Crossed offerings.
Also, :lulz: Maggie Thatcher codpiece. That's an image that'll haunt you.
How did I never get back to this?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 05, 2015, 04:12:25 AM
How did I never get back to this?
I don't know, but it's still amazing. :lulz: