Read it, or don't, let it sink the bottom, I don't know. I just needed somewhere to spew my brain for a minute.
End of my rope. For today, for now, I don't know. Tough winter for me. Not in the sense of anything actually happening, just emotionally - which makes it worse because it's pointless. It's finally getting nice out and I'm trying to drag myself back into a good mood, but it's not working well. I don't think I can let myself be happy. I try to relax, go out with friends, or take some time just for me, and I start worrying about what I haven't done yet, what I'm always too tired to do, what I *might* be forgetting to do, so how dare I stop. I go out with friends, have a great time, but minutes after walking through the door at home, I'm thinking about what stupid/awkward/annoying things I must have done and what they're probably saying/thinking now that I've gone, they must just spend time with me out of pity, why do I even bother, why do THEY even bother. I know it's probably not true, but try telling that to my brain. I hear the nice things they say, I hear them asking me to come out. But I don't often believe it. Hell, I can barely post here without second guessing everything I say and feeling like I'm intruding somewhere I don't belong.
And I'm just so tired, and if I'm not tired, I get sore, or overwhelmed, and can't do anything anyway. I am on edge constantly, and if I catch myself relaxing for a moment it comes back even stronger because WHAT AM I FORGETTING or SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. Worst is that I know to an extent I take it out on those around me - distancing myself from most and being less patient with those closest to me. There were 5 ants in the kitchen this morning and I completely lost it. Really, it was the ants and EVERYTHING ELSE, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back this morning. Almost flipped out on my boss over the phone after getting to work after he asked me to do something I've done to the extent I can several times and am at the point where his input is needed. Luckily I kept it along the lines of "I already did this. I need x in order to go any further" but there's a good chance any other job would have sent me home.
On top of my imaginary problems, my boyfriend's grandfather has been in the hospital, and is likely dying. My last grandparent died when I was in 6th grade, I haven't dealt with the death of a family member for a while - not that there's any good way to deal with it. His great-grandfather died shortly after we started dating and I went to the funeral, but while I felt sad for my boyfriend and his family, I had never met him, so it didn't affect me too personally. But he's always been real close with his mother's parents, particularly his grandfather, and 8 years later I've gotten to know them well too. So I'm worried about his grandfather, worried about how my boyfriend is handling this, worried about his family (including his grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and is taken care of by his grandfather), worried about my father, who is up there in age (WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS) and worried about how my mother will deal with my father's eventual passing, as she is a good deal younger (WHY). Then berating myself for my other anxieties because they don't even compare to this, even if that doesn't stop them from making me any less crazy.
So here I am sitting in a pile of self-loathing, watching my to-do and filing piles at work barely move, worrying about the piles of everything that will be there when I get home, and all the anxieties and "what-ifs" swarming around that.
I did climb a mountain yesterday with friends. That was a lot of fun. But then today happened.
The winter has been like four months of February™. It has absolutely sucked.
You're going to be ok. That's not to be dismissive, it's the only thing I really can say.
Virtual hugs, etc.
Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).
And the second bit sucks. I am sorry to hear that this is happening.
Seconding Roger.
Possibly of use, have you seen the Sapolsky lecture on depression? I would strongly suggest watching this as I suspect it will help in unexpected ways. More unsolicited advice available on request.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 22, 2014, 06:41:59 PM
Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).
And the second bit sucks. I am sorry to hear that this is happening.
I'm going to also agree with Roger. It's not like there's been an abundance of sun in New England for months. Getting outside is a good idea. Keep it up, seriously.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 22, 2014, 06:35:16 PM
The winter has been like four months of February™. It has absolutely sucked.
You're going to be ok. That's not to be dismissive, it's the only thing I really can say.
Virtual hugs, etc.
Yea, I have my ups and downs (like, I suppose, most normal people), and the anxiety is a near-constant, but this winter absolutely crushed me. And, while it's nothing new in New England, going from "oh look at this one glorious, warm, sunny day" back to "Oh God is still freezing and dark out" kind of punches that happiness back down.
And no worries about dismissiveness. While there is maybe a fine line separating the two, things like "you'll be ok" and "it's going to get better" are more reassuring than "Don't be sad. Be happy!" While I know the latter is still said with the best of intentions and maybe a bit of lack of understanding (if
I don't know why I'm sad how is anyone else supposed to), it can be a bit frustrating. And my boyfriend will say, "what mess? The house looks fine", when all I can think/say is "ALL the things! Everywhere! Can't you see!" And I feel bad, because I know he just wants me to happy, but sometimes I can't see past my own anxiety/depression and get frustrated with him.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 22, 2014, 06:41:59 PM
Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).
And the second bit sucks. I am sorry to hear that this is happening.
It may well be/likely is. I was treated (counseling & meds) when I was younger (late teens/touch of the early 20s), but I got out of an abusive relationship, mended the relationship with my parents (low self esteem also played a big part, but those things didn't help). And I thought things have been going fairly good overall, with only a few episodes here and there. But, it always seems to be lurking, particularly with regard to my interactions with other people. The ever-present anxiety helps to reinforce that when I can't live up to my probably unrealistic expectations. Anxiety > Depression Paranoia>Depression Depression>More Depression. The fatigue and lethargy are unbelievable and unbearable and I could be related (at the risk of TMI, along with the near-nonexistent sex drive). I know exercise is also an important thing to maintaining energy, and I hope the sun and warmer weather will help with that, but it's hard to think of exercise at the times when it feels almost physically impossible to move off the couch/stay awake (on top of the "why bother). My doctor had me tested for low vitamin B and such last year and didn't notice anything unusual and I'm due for more bloodwork now (fatigue and malaise it says), but haven't found/made the time for that yet.
And thank you, I don't know how to handle his grandfather's health on top of that. And, of course, I feel guilty for all my issues when this is going on, causing me to bottle up, which just results in more crazy spilling everywhere. I know he's trying not to think about it, but I know it's really bothering him. And while there were some improvements as of Easter when they went to go visit, his grandfather's also resigned himself to the fact that he's dying, which doesn't really help with the whole recovery process. I know the best I can do is be there for him, but it never feels like enough.
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 22, 2014, 06:50:40 PM
Seconding Roger.
Possibly of use, have you seen the Sapolsky lecture on depression? I would strongly suggest watching this as I suspect it will help in unexpected ways. More unsolicited advice available on request.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc
I haven't but I'll check it out when I get home. As long as the unsolicited advice isn't "well, just magic away the sadness with happiness, silly pants", a bit of suggestion wouldn't hurt. And I know that trying to stay positive can be a factor in one's overall mood, but if it was as easy as "be happy", I'd probably be doing it right now.
Quote from: The Suu on April 22, 2014, 06:57:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 22, 2014, 06:41:59 PM
Sounds like a spot of depression (the first bit).
And the second bit sucks. I am sorry to hear that this is happening.
I'm going to also agree with Roger. It's not like there's been an abundance of sun in New England for months. Getting outside is a good idea. Keep it up, seriously.
I'm trying, I love being outdoors and want to be in better shape. Just doing to try to keep forcing myself outdoors and hope that the warm weather will help. I do wish my street had sidewalks, since there's not much of a "side of the road" and people just fly down that road with little regard for the people that are walking. And walking around the apartment complex gets boring after a while, though at least it is OUTSIDE. There are parks and woods and such nearby I can go walking, but sometimes it'd be nice to just go out for a walk without having to drive to go for a walk.
Thanks again, everyone. It helps :) Just being able to spew that out helped, since I have an unhealthy tendency to bottle things up and let them stew until it erupts everywhere (I was nearly inconsolable for a while the other night because I was too tired to make broccoli & cheese soup for dinner)
And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).
FML
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 22, 2014, 09:01:11 PM
And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).
FML
Perhaps you should introduce him to your good friend HIPAA.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_Insurance_Portability_and_Accountability_Act
I find, "I appreciate your concern, I'm taking care of it." comes in handy. I'll give him bonus points for making sure he didn't have an HR issue handle (like kicking somebody's ass for upsetting you).
Hang in there, and remember that there are people if you need help.
Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.
Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.
I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.
I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.
The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.
That sounds like a daily nightmare, TPZ. :(
I consider untreated chronic anxiety to be a grave health threat and urge you to take it as seriously as cancer. If you haven't taken a gander, please see Nigel's Robert Sapolsky total fawning fangirl thread (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=35338.0) for some of the best research on stress that has been done to date.
The good news is that anxiety disorders are fairly treatable, but sometimes that takes a little sorting out in terms of what works for you.
I am not a "scientist", TPZ. I am not a "doctor". I cannot offer "studies" and "peer-reviewed research" (*ptooie*). But I CAN say, as your spiritual adviser, that there are three things that have consistently worked for me:
1. The Nigel Method. Go out and take a walk. Sounds like you have this one in hand. Continue.
2. Be horrible to people that are horrible to people. This is far more refreshing than it might seem.
3. Irresponsible firearms use and/or poor driving.
Quote from: Luna on April 22, 2014, 09:18:23 PM
I find, "I appreciate your concern, I'm taking care of it." comes in handy. I'll give him bonus points for making sure he didn't have an HR issue handle (like kicking somebody's ass for upsetting you).
Hang in there, and remember that there are people if you need help.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 22, 2014, 09:05:54 PM
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 22, 2014, 09:01:11 PM
And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).
FML
Perhaps you should introduce him to your good friend HIPAA.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_Insurance_Portability_and_Accountability_Act
Except for the full time paralegal when I first started as part time, and a handful of part time filing assistants along the way, I make up the entire office staff. So while the question was probably initially asked out of concern, the fact that he kept pushing and tried to infer things about my personal life, pisses me off to no end. While over the years I've worked here, overall things have been ok, there have been a few times where I've been creeped out. And on top of that, I don't like to appear vulnerable around people that have previously weirded me out. I suppose that should probably throw up some red flags there, but then I second guess myself as to whether I'm misinterpreting things. One specific thing I mentioned to my boyfriend he agreed seemed pretty weird, and told me to let him know if something else comes up. While I get mostly get along with him in a professional setting I also realize I don't care for him much as a person based on his attitude towards/about others. I'm not quite sure he realizes who he's talking to when he expresses those opinions.
Went off on a tangent there. Overall, I'm feeling much better today, but I would prefer to see and talk to him as little as possible.
And thanks on the bolded. While I'm mostly the person that quietly hangs out in the corner and occasionally pipes in with conversation, I really enjoy this diverse little group and respect the opinions, insights, stories and such I've read from everyone over the years. Thus, my perhaps a bit TMI vent here but it was also because I trust/appreciate (?I can't think of the right words at the moment, so just insert warm, mushy feelings here) the input of you guys.
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 23, 2014, 05:45:37 PM
Quote from: Luna on April 22, 2014, 09:18:23 PM
I find, "I appreciate your concern, I'm taking care of it." comes in handy. I'll give him bonus points for making sure he didn't have an HR issue handle (like kicking somebody's ass for upsetting you).
Hang in there, and remember that there are people if you need help.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 22, 2014, 09:05:54 PM
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 22, 2014, 09:01:11 PM
And commence meltdown at work after not getting client to sign something he was supposed to after I asked if he was supposed to wait for my boss to get back in to go over paperwork with him and he insisted he was not (he was). Boss asks what's wrong. "Stress" Is it here? "No" At home? "No" Well something's going on that you're not telling me. "Nope, just crazy, been like this for years. I'll be fine tomorrow." (Not in those exact words but essentially the same gist, which still doesn't help, but I have no time or desire to go into my mental health backstory with my boss).
FML
Perhaps you should introduce him to your good friend HIPAA.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_Insurance_Portability_and_Accountability_Act
Except for the full time paralegal when I first started as part time, and a handful of part time filing assistants along the way, I make up the entire office staff. So while the question was probably initially asked out of concern, the fact that he kept pushing and tried to infer things about my personal life, pisses me off to no end. While over the years I've worked here, overall things have been ok, there have been a few times where I've been creeped out. And on top of that, I don't like to appear vulnerable around people that have previously weirded me out. I suppose that should probably throw up some red flags there, but then I second guess myself as to whether I'm misinterpreting things. One specific thing I mentioned to my boyfriend he agreed seemed pretty weird, and told me to let him know if something else comes up. While I get mostly get along with him in a professional setting I also realize I don't care for him much as a person based on his attitude towards/about others. I'm not quite sure he realizes who he's talking to when he expresses those opinions.
Went off on a tangent there. Overall, I'm feeling much better today, but I would prefer to see and talk to him as little as possible.
It doesn't matter how many employees there are. He isn't allowed to inquire about your health unless he can show cause (ie, performance degradation, etc).
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on April 22, 2014, 09:36:05 PM
Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.
Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.
This is the truth. I'm usually pretty good at distracting myself, but there are definitely times where it catches up with me and as much as I try to tell myself "go do stuff", there are just no fucks to be found, not even buried deep in the couch where all the lighters and coins wind up. The occasional paranoia/self-doubt when it comes to the people around me doesn't help either. And the "fake it til you make it" attitude definitely can be a help, I just have to work on not confusing that with "bottle everything deep down into a pocket of sadness until everything comes bursting out at once because you spilled a little milk".
Quote from: Nigel on April 22, 2014, 11:19:48 PM
I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.
I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.
The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but it is a feeling that has come up more often. I figured it was part of the "generalized anxiety", but I have been known to turn around and go home because I didn't "watch" myself lock the door so I don't think that I did (it's always locked when I go back) or have to fight to keep heading to my destination because I am convinced something horrible is going to happen just because I left the house.
I do remember you talking about 5-HTP once, I believe in relation to this sort of issue. My boyfriend was taking it for insomnia for a bit so we may still have some at home. Usually I can barely stay awake by the end of the day, but I could be worn out from worrying all day. I did know he mentioned he did like the fact it helped him sleep without that "Nyquil" effect in the morning. Do you usually take it in the morning? It is worth trying at least. I have an anti-anxiety medication that I take as-needed, but I try to save that for REALLY bad days (I probably should have taken it yesterday), and a month's prescription can last me up to a year. I would like to see if the 5-HTP can maybe help regulate/stabilize things, at least, as you said, slow down that hamster on his wheel.
Quote from: Net (+ 1 Hidden) on April 23, 2014, 12:41:30 AM
That sounds like a daily nightmare, TPZ. :(
I consider untreated chronic anxiety to be a grave health threat and urge you to take it as seriously as cancer. If you haven't taken a gander, please see Nigel's Robert Sapolsky total fawning fangirl thread (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=35338.0) for some of the best research on stress that has been done to date.
The good news is that anxiety disorders are fairly treatable, but sometimes that takes a little sorting out in terms of what works for you.
It's not terribly fun, I can say that. It would be nice to be able to relax without feeling guilty or worried. I've noticed that my body is almost always completely tense and I unconsciously seem to clench my jaw most of the time. (My doctor said it is like a German Shepherd's, haha). To an extent I've gotten used to all the buzzing in my head, which isn't a good thing, but when the buzzing stops, that's when I start waiting for the other shoe (that probably isn't there) to drop. But you are right, I have found myself concerned about the long term affects of this, physically and mentally. When I was at the doctor recently, she mentioned there was a "stronger" prescription she could give me, but it would be a daily thing, and we both agreed I would like to try to hold off on that if possible. With spring & summer coming, I am going to work on OUTSIDE more, give the 5-HTP a shot and see how things go.
I will definitely check out that thread too (looks interesting!) along with the video Junkenstein posted. Yesterday when I got home, my boyfriend was out early, so I helped him bottle his beer and a few other productive things, along with talk, so that helped distract/put my mind at ease for a bit. Thank god he is really understanding and supportive of me with all this, but that is not something I want to push. I am feeling a bit better today, though.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 23, 2014, 05:47:50 PM
It doesn't matter how many employees there are. He isn't allowed to inquire about your health unless he can show cause (ie, performance degradation, etc).
You are absolutely right. My work performance wasn't exactly tip-top yesterday, but it's also definitely not a pattern. *Shockingly* assertiveness is not one of my strong suits, but is a big thing I need to work on. Desperately. Of course, today I'm level-headed enough to address it, but yesterday not without flying off the handle, though I guess that would have gotten the point across. My tendency to avoid confrontation doesn't help. If there's an even a mention of yesterday today, I am prepared to nip that in the bud and state why it was wrong and made me uncomfortable. But if it isn't, I'm not sure if I should bring it up and address it anyway. I'm guessing the answer is probably yes. I should probably stop worrying so much about other people's feelings and be concerned about my own health & privacy.
Thank you again, everyone. I tend to feel guilty venting/complaining about this, but I really appreciate all the advice and support everyone has offered here.
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 23, 2014, 06:39:19 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 23, 2014, 05:47:50 PM
It doesn't matter how many employees there are. He isn't allowed to inquire about your health unless he can show cause (ie, performance degradation, etc).
You are absolutely right. My work performance wasn't exactly tip-top yesterday, but it's also definitely not a pattern. *Shockingly* assertiveness is not one of my strong suits, but is a big thing I need to work on. Desperately. Of course, today I'm level-headed enough to address it, but yesterday not without flying off the handle, though I guess that would have gotten the point across. My tendency to avoid confrontation doesn't help. If there's an even a mention of yesterday today, I am prepared to nip that in the bud and state why it was wrong and made me uncomfortable. But if it isn't, I'm not sure if I should bring it up and address it anyway. I'm guessing the answer is probably yes. I should probably stop worrying so much about other people's feelings and be concerned about my own health & privacy.
Thank you again, everyone. I tend to feel guilty venting/complaining about this, but I really appreciate all the advice and support everyone has offered here.
That.Same here sister.Not this.I hope you get better and better at handling your own idiosynchrasies.
QuoteI haven't but I'll check it out when I get home. As long as the unsolicited advice isn't "well, just magic away the sadness with happiness, silly pants", a bit of suggestion wouldn't hurt. And I know that trying to stay positive can be a factor in one's overall mood, but if it was as easy as "be happy", I'd probably be doing it right now.
"Staying positive" has rarely dragged me out of many depressions. Historically, what has worked for me, and what I suggest to you in all seriousness, is a trip to a wreckers yard with a crowbar.
You see, when I get depressed, there is usually a great deal of underlying anger. Beating the living shit out of a car is a fantastic workout, highly therapeutic, and most places will probably let you do it for a fiver if you turn up at the right time and explain that you're pissed off about losing your car in an accident and would like to smash the shit out of that one there that looks just like it. Pretty much every town or city in the UK has such a place, usually quite a few. I imagine you could probably find one within half a dozen phone calls if you don't want a wasted trip. It's easy to arrange and cheap is the point I'm getting at here.
If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 23, 2014, 07:32:19 PM
If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.
THIS. It's like heaving a brick through a plate glass window. It makes a hell of a racket, and the people inside run around like rats in a firestorm.
It truly is the simple things in life that make it worthwhile.
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 23, 2014, 07:43:01 PM
It truly is the simple things in life that make it worthwhile.
Yes.
AND SHIT LIKE THIS:
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/1601047_10203816721368279_5583660738069685502_n.jpg)
One of the reasons I play drums. A somewhat socially acceptable way of hitting things with sticks, repeatedly. Hard.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 23, 2014, 07:44:03 PM
One of the reasons I play drums. A somewhat socially acceptable way of hitting things with sticks, repeatedly. Hard.
And nobody sees you do it! :whack:
:this:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 23, 2014, 01:03:39 AM
I am not a "scientist", TPZ. I am not a "doctor". I cannot offer "studies" and "peer-reviewed research" (*ptooie*). But I CAN say, as your spiritual adviser, that there are three things that have consistently worked for me:
1. The Nigel Method. Go out and take a walk. Sounds like you have this one in hand. Continue.
2. Be horrible to people that are horrible to people. This is far more refreshing than it might seem.
3. Irresponsible firearms use and/or poor driving.
And didn't mean to overlook this post. But these do all sound very therapeutic :) The walking thing definitely seems to be a big help. I'm gonna try to keep pushing that more this season even if it means just dragging myself out when there's no one else around. I do need to give people (that deserve it) what for, rather than stewing and letting it make
me feel bad. Every so often I've been able to summon the Wrath, but not often enough. People that are horrible to other people really are on the top of the list of my most hated things, so I probably should let them know more often.
Massachusetts barely tolerates responsible firearm use, so I would have to venture to his mom & stepdad's farm in not-quite-middle-of-nowhere-but-close-enough New Hampshire, but I get the sentiment behind it. I really would like to learn how to firearms better since the few chances I've gotten to shoot have been fun.
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 23, 2014, 07:32:19 PM
QuoteI haven't but I'll check it out when I get home. As long as the unsolicited advice isn't "well, just magic away the sadness with happiness, silly pants", a bit of suggestion wouldn't hurt. And I know that trying to stay positive can be a factor in one's overall mood, but if it was as easy as "be happy", I'd probably be doing it right now.
"Staying positive" has rarely dragged me out of many depressions. Historically, what has worked for me, and what I suggest to you in all seriousness, is a trip to a wreckers yard with a crowbar.
You see, when I get depressed, there is usually a great deal of underlying anger. Beating the living shit out of a car is a fantastic workout, highly therapeutic, and most places will probably let you do it for a fiver if you turn up at the right time and explain that you're pissed off about losing your car in an accident and would like to smash the shit out of that one there that looks just like it. Pretty much every town or city in the UK has such a place, usually quite a few. I imagine you could probably find one within half a dozen phone calls if you don't want a wasted trip. It's easy to arrange and cheap is the point I'm getting at here.
If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 23, 2014, 07:34:12 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 23, 2014, 07:32:19 PM
If you've never smashed a car windscreen in before, the first time is a magical experience.
THIS. It's like heaving a brick through a plate glass window. It makes a hell of a racket, and the people inside run around like rats in a firestorm.
Anger/frustration often contributes to or results from the anxiety and depression without any real outlet, tends to build up too. This just sounds amazing and has been something I have thought about, as it would not be fun to replace broken things in my house and/or explain to my boss why the phone and computer screen are now the same entity. I always thought there should be "therapeutic destruction" places for this sort of thing, and it never occurred to me that this could actually possibly be done at a junk yard. I may have to delve deeper into this.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 23, 2014, 07:45:54 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 23, 2014, 07:44:03 PM
One of the reasons I play drums. A somewhat socially acceptable way of hitting things with sticks, repeatedly. Hard.
And nobody sees you do it! :whack:
:lol: That is true though. I imagine it helps a lot to have an outlet to release pent up frustration/anger/anxiety/[insert feeling here].
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 23, 2014, 08:10:36 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 23, 2014, 01:03:39 AM
I am not a "scientist", TPZ. I am not a "doctor". I cannot offer "studies" and "peer-reviewed research" (*ptooie*). But I CAN say, as your spiritual adviser, that there are three things that have consistently worked for me:
1. The Nigel Method. Go out and take a walk. Sounds like you have this one in hand. Continue.
2. Be horrible to people that are horrible to people. This is far more refreshing than it might seem.
3. Irresponsible firearms use and/or poor driving.
And didn't mean to overlook this post. But these do all sound very therapeutic :) The walking thing definitely seems to be a big help. I'm gonna try to keep pushing that more this season even if it means just dragging myself out when there's no one else around. I do need to give people (that deserve it) what for, rather than stewing and letting it make me feel bad. Every so often I've been able to summon the Wrath, but not often enough. People that are horrible to other people really are on the top of the list of my most hated things, so I probably should let them know more often.
Massachusetts barely tolerates responsible firearm use, so I would have to venture to his mom & stepdad's farm in not-quite-middle-of-nowhere-but-close-enough New Hampshire, but I get the sentiment behind it. I really would like to learn how to firearms better since the few chances I've gotten to shoot have been fun.
Yanno, you might look into the SCA thing with Luna & Richter. Beating mortal hell out of each other with sticks is very theraputic.
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 23, 2014, 08:19:20 PM
Anger/frustration often contributes to or results from the anxiety and depression without any real outlet, tends to build up too. This just sounds amazing and has been something I have thought about, as it would not be fun to replace broken things in my house and/or explain to my boss why the phone and computer screen are now the same entity. I always thought there should be "therapeutic destruction" places for this sort of thing, and it never occurred to me that this could actually possibly be done at a junk yard. I may have to delve deeper into this.
True fact: I have a line item in my budget for replacement desk & cell phones. Beating a desk phone til the display turns purple and dies is kind of how I get through the bad days. Also, putting my blackberry in the 120 ton press.
"What's that noise?"
- My boss, just before the death of cell phone #3.
If you want to talk phones, I can suggest some desk phones that take a pounding and a few wall shots and keep ticking.
Lets me buy more paper.
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 23, 2014, 06:27:35 PM
Quote from: Net (+ 1 Hidden) on April 23, 2014, 12:41:30 AM
That sounds like a daily nightmare, TPZ. :(
I consider untreated chronic anxiety to be a grave health threat and urge you to take it as seriously as cancer. If you haven't taken a gander, please see Nigel's Robert Sapolsky total fawning fangirl thread (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=35338.0) for some of the best research on stress that has been done to date.
The good news is that anxiety disorders are fairly treatable, but sometimes that takes a little sorting out in terms of what works for you.
It's not terribly fun, I can say that. It would be nice to be able to relax without feeling guilty or worried. I've noticed that my body is almost always completely tense and I unconsciously seem to clench my jaw most of the time. (My doctor said it is like a German Shepherd's, haha). To an extent I've gotten used to all the buzzing in my head, which isn't a good thing, but when the buzzing stops, that's when I start waiting for the other shoe (that probably isn't there) to drop. But you are right, I have found myself concerned about the long term affects of this, physically and mentally. When I was at the doctor recently, she mentioned there was a "stronger" prescription she could give me, but it would be a daily thing, and we both agreed I would like to try to hold off on that if possible. With spring & summer coming, I am going to work on OUTSIDE more, give the 5-HTP a shot and see how things go.
I will definitely check out that thread too (looks interesting!) along with the video Junkenstein posted. Yesterday when I got home, my boyfriend was out early, so I helped him bottle his beer and a few other productive things, along with talk, so that helped distract/put my mind at ease for a bit. Thank god he is really understanding and supportive of me with all this, but that is not something I want to push. I am feeling a bit better today, though.
I totally hear you on not wanting to take more meds. It's just another expense, another thing to remember, another thing that could give side effects, drug interaction bullshit, can we trust pharmaceutical companies, what happens when you stop using it....I hate it so much. :x But hell, if you find something that really works for you, run with it. The National Geographic special "Stress: Portrait of a Killer" is not exaggerating.
You also might consider looking into cognitive behavioral therapy, which seems to have pretty solid rates of success with anxiety and stress. This is from a fairly recent meta-analysis done by the NIH:
"The strongest support exists for CBT of anxiety disorders, somatoform disorders, bulimia, anger control problems, and general stress."
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10608-012-9476-1
I worked with a therapist for about a year and half who did CBT (among other things) and I can count the number of anxiety issues I've had since then on one hand. It's been 13 years. I had thought that it was more of a genetic thing—that I just was born oversensitive to the world—and that I'd have to suffer through life with it. Luckily, I just happened to meet the right headshrinker and only found out he was doing CBT after the fact.
Whether it's meds, supplements, therapy, and/or smashing the shit out of inanimate objects, you can overcome this. With such a supportive partner, the guts to share your story with people, and the grit to have put up with it for so long without your life completely unravelling, I think you're already well on your way.
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on April 23, 2014, 06:14:50 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on April 22, 2014, 09:36:05 PM
Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.
Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.
This is the truth. I'm usually pretty good at distracting myself, but there are definitely times where it catches up with me and as much as I try to tell myself "go do stuff", there are just no fucks to be found, not even buried deep in the couch where all the lighters and coins wind up. The occasional paranoia/self-doubt when it comes to the people around me doesn't help either. And the "fake it til you make it" attitude definitely can be a help, I just have to work on not confusing that with "bottle everything deep down into a pocket of sadness until everything comes bursting out at once because you spilled a little milk".
Quote from: Nigel on April 22, 2014, 11:19:48 PM
I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.
I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.
The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but it is a feeling that has come up more often. I figured it was part of the "generalized anxiety", but I have been known to turn around and go home because I didn't "watch" myself lock the door so I don't think that I did (it's always locked when I go back) or have to fight to keep heading to my destination because I am convinced something horrible is going to happen just because I left the house.
I do remember you talking about 5-HTP once, I believe in relation to this sort of issue. My boyfriend was taking it for insomnia for a bit so we may still have some at home. Usually I can barely stay awake by the end of the day, but I could be worn out from worrying all day. I did know he mentioned he did like the fact it helped him sleep without that "Nyquil" effect in the morning. Do you usually take it in the morning? It is worth trying at least. I have an anti-anxiety medication that I take as-needed, but I try to save that for REALLY bad days (I probably should have taken it yesterday), and a month's prescription can last me up to a year. I would like to see if the 5-HTP can maybe help regulate/stabilize things, at least, as you said, slow down that hamster on his wheel.
Yes, I generally take it in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon after class if I forget it in the morning. It takes a while to really take effect, maybe two weeks of taking it consistently. I take 100mg and it's perfect; I started with 50 and it wasn't quite enough.
Oh, the other thing I forgot to mention, which came to mind when you talked about the weather reverting to crap and how that made you feel, is that if you have Seasonal Affective Disorder at all, replacing all the bulbs in your house (as they burn out, not all at once because that shit's expensive) with bright-ass full-spectrum bulbs can make a big difference too. I keep my house bright as fuck, which drives some people crazy but I really need it.
Quote from: Net (+ 1 Hidden) on April 23, 2014, 09:24:44 PMWith such a supportive partner, the guts to share your story with people
Depression, stress, anxiety... it's as common as fucked mothers. Hell, It's practically the new norm. I suspect a lot of members on any forum would have had similar issues, to greater or lesser degree. Some might have found tools you never thought of trying. You share, we share, whole bunch of people might get something positive out of it.
Maybe aint so gutsy after all. Maybe just feels that way when it's bad.