Transcript from this morning's staff meeting, slightly altered to make me look more civilized.
Dear Jackasses,
I am a maintenance & reliability geek. I do not pretend to be an engineer, so I don't tell the engineer how to do whatever the fuck he does. I do not pretend to be a production scheduler, so I do not tell her how to schedule. I do not pretend to be a warehouse manager, so I do not tell him where to put shit. I refrain from doing all of these things because I am not paid to do them, and I don't know how to do them.
This being said, I fully expect the rest of you bastards to stop trying to tell me how to fix shit. It's pathetic. It's like the upper middle class dumbfuck trying to tell his mechanic how to fix his car. It's like THAT patient trying to explain medicine to his doctor. You do not know what you're doing, it's more complicated than it looks, and if things weren't so damned tight, I'd do it your way just to shame you when the inevitable happens.
On that note, the next one of you bastards that tries to countermand my instructions to my crew will find that their day has become a non-stop shit blizzard of misunderstandings and me, basically, shitting on your desk1. Seriously, you pasty-faced illiterates didn't think they'd come straight to me?
Lastly, if you feel you need to come watch the critical lift "just in case", then I guess we'll just stop all work until the extraneous people have left the lift site. I don't give a fuck what you think about that. Your anger amuses me today, because it lets me know that I am not alone in being the universe's Goddamn jackrag. So, what, I get fired and never have to worry about this fucking place ever again? Oh noes.
Now, you all go do whatever it is you do around here, and we'll all forget that you felt the need to open your big fat mouth. Me, I'm going to go into my office and read Gearbox Porn. But only the articles, because I'm better than people.
Love and Kisses,
The Bald Freak in Building C.
1 This part isn't actually accurate. No warnings were issued before everything went Hatfields & McCoys. Forever.
Honest question: is there a number of times you have to save their collective lives when they'll start taking you seriously, or is this your very own personal hell on earth?
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on April 28, 2014, 04:49:56 PM
Honest question: is there a number of times you have to save their collective lives when they'll start taking you seriously, or is this your very own personal hell on earth?
I dispute the "on Earth" part.
The fact is, the more often I am right (which isn't always, mind you) and the more often I get us out of trouble, the more frantic they are to get in my shit. It's mostly because they don't like me and it bothers them that I can do this shit without a masters or some shit. That's okay, though, because I hate them MORE, and now I have license to fuck with them until EVERYONE is miserable ALL DAY.
EVERY DAY.
UNTIL THE SUN BURNS OUT.
"But if he can do it by himself, why are we even needed!?"
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 28, 2014, 04:59:39 PM
"But if he can do it by himself, why are we even needed!?"
It's more like "if we can do HIS bit, we don't need HIM", which is awesome. Go ahead and fire my ass...But if you do, there will be no talk of my returning, because I would rather give Rush Limbaugh his monthly sponge-bath than come into this motherfucker every day, and if I leave I am NEVER COMING BACK. I may leave ANYWAY, because this place makes me wish that I could catch EBOLA ZAIRE just so I could come in this fucking conference room and HACK UP MY LUNGS ALL OVER YOU PEOPLE, and then we could all HEMMORAGE TO DEATH together as one of those "team-building exercises". Are you ready for that? Are you ready for the VERY LAST THING YOU SEE to be an oversized bald bastard horking out his pancreas onto your iPad? I wish to do SCIENCE on you with MY BARE HANDS.
AND ALSO A PLASMA CUTTER.
Actually crying with laughter.
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 28, 2014, 05:12:03 PM
Actually crying with laughter.
You know where I've been.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 28, 2014, 05:13:56 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 28, 2014, 05:12:03 PM
Actually crying with laughter.
You know where I've been.
I've been metaphorically two doors over for a good chunk of the day.
Client wants things and has money. That's fine. Client wants to totally ignore mandatory and statutory notifications, laws, guidelines, best practice, etc, etc, etc. Client wants everything completed yesterday.
Client was told loudly, and at length, to let me do my fucking job or I will call X, Y and Z and wrap him up in legal woes for the rest of his surprisingly short life when he drops dead of a heart attack by Christmas due to all the stress he's inflicted on himself by not SHUTTING UP.
This is the contract. You signed it. Fuck off and let me do my job and I'll tell you when it's fucking done. I don't give a shit if this upsets your arbitrary unrealistic programme someone devised years ago. That thing is already irrelevant, outdated and created by someone with literally no information about the project.
Ah, Mondays.
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 28, 2014, 05:22:20 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 28, 2014, 05:13:56 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on April 28, 2014, 05:12:03 PM
Actually crying with laughter.
You know where I've been.
I've been metaphorically two doors over for a good chunk of the day.
Client wants things and has money. That's fine. Client wants to totally ignore mandatory and statutory notifications, laws, guidelines, best practice, etc, etc, etc. Client wants everything completed yesterday.
Client was told loudly, and at length, to let me do my fucking job or I will call X, Y and Z and wrap him up in legal woes for the rest of his surprisingly short life when he drops dead of a heart attack by Christmas due to all the stress he's inflicted on himself by not SHUTTING UP.
This is the contract. You signed it. Fuck off and let me do my job and I'll tell you when it's fucking done. I don't give a shit if this upsets your arbitrary unrealistic programme someone devised years ago. That thing is already irrelevant, outdated and created by someone with literally no information about the project.
Ah, Mondays.
The one good thing I have going for me here is that nobody aside from Filthy Assistant wants anyone to do things by breaking laws and regulations. And Filthy Assistant is stupid and everyone knows it, so that's not an issue.
However, they DO occasionally ask me to "fix things" so that I am using more amps than I actually have, "just for a short while".
It's funny how most of your experience is completely alien to me but enough little pieces are familiar enough that I totally get the mood of it. Like I've been the same place but it was the equivalent of the b&W version of reality to Wizard of Oz's colour bit :lulz:
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on April 28, 2014, 05:27:12 PM
It's funny how most of your experience is completely alien to me but enough little pieces are familiar enough that I totally get the mood of it. Like I've been the same place but it was the equivalent of the b&W version of reality to Wizard of Oz's colour bit :lulz:
:lulz:
This rant is now in my top 5!
:lulz:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 28, 2014, 05:04:57 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 28, 2014, 04:59:39 PM
"But if he can do it by himself, why are we even needed!?"
It's more like "if we can do HIS bit, we don't need HIM", which is awesome. Go ahead and fire my ass...But if you do, there will be no talk of my returning, because I would rather give Rush Limbaugh his monthly sponge-bath than come into this motherfucker every day, and if I leave I am NEVER COMING BACK. I may leave ANYWAY, because this place makes me wish that I could catch EBOLA ZAIRE just so I could come in this fucking conference room and HACK UP MY LUNGS ALL OVER YOU PEOPLE, and then we could all HEMMORAGE TO DEATH together as one of those "team-building exercises". Are you ready for that? Are you ready for the VERY LAST THING YOU SEE to be an oversized bald bastard horking out his pancreas onto your iPad? I wish to do SCIENCE on you with MY BARE HANDS.
AND ALSO A PLASMA CUTTER.
:lulz:
I don't ask much, really.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 28, 2014, 05:04:57 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 28, 2014, 04:59:39 PM
"But if he can do it by himself, why are we even needed!?"
It's more like "if we can do HIS bit, we don't need HIM", which is awesome. Go ahead and fire my ass...But if you do, there will be no talk of my returning, because I would rather give Rush Limbaugh his monthly sponge-bath than come into this motherfucker every day, and if I leave I am NEVER COMING BACK. I may leave ANYWAY, because this place makes me wish that I could catch EBOLA ZAIRE just so I could come in this fucking conference room and HACK UP MY LUNGS ALL OVER YOU PEOPLE, and then we could all HEMMORAGE TO DEATH together as one of those "team-building exercises". Are you ready for that? Are you ready for the VERY LAST THING YOU SEE to be an oversized bald bastard horking out his pancreas onto your iPad? I wish to do SCIENCE on you with MY BARE HANDS.
AND ALSO A PLASMA CUTTER.
It's worth noting that this was straight-up prophecy.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 09, 2016, 01:39:54 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 28, 2014, 05:04:57 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on April 28, 2014, 04:59:39 PM
"But if he can do it by himself, why are we even needed!?"
It's more like "if we can do HIS bit, we don't need HIM", which is awesome. Go ahead and fire my ass...But if you do, there will be no talk of my returning, because I would rather give Rush Limbaugh his monthly sponge-bath than come into this motherfucker every day, and if I leave I am NEVER COMING BACK. I may leave ANYWAY, because this place makes me wish that I could catch EBOLA ZAIRE just so I could come in this fucking conference room and HACK UP MY LUNGS ALL OVER YOU PEOPLE, and then we could all HEMMORAGE TO DEATH together as one of those "team-building exercises". Are you ready for that? Are you ready for the VERY LAST THING YOU SEE to be an oversized bald bastard horking out his pancreas onto your iPad? I wish to do SCIENCE on you with MY BARE HANDS.
AND ALSO A PLASMA CUTTER.
It's worth noting that this was straight-up prophecy.
:eek:
I'm not sure if you mean as your workplace situation or as a literal omen of things to come... the big ebola scare of 2014 didn't even get going until like OCTOBER.
Listen here Holy Man you can't just run around and be dropping prophecies all over the place willie-nilley. It's bad for the continuity. Look what happened with John the Revelator!! Do you WANT to wind up like Ezekiel? HUH!? Flaming wheels Holy Man, WHEELS OF FUCKING FIRE!!!
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!!
Then again, he'll have the power to send attack bears. Which has its perks.
2 Kings 2:24
Quote from: LMNO on March 10, 2016, 03:34:00 PM
Then again, he'll have the power to send attack bears. Which has its perks.
2 Kings 2:24
Quote2 Kings 2:23-24King James Version (KJV)
23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.
You see once you get the attack bears it must be ASSUMED that God already knew how that was going to go. It's a slippery slope straight to self justifying determinism. God made him bald and supplied the bears, but the little snots CHOSE to be little snots. BUT WAS IT REALLY A
FREE CHOICE AT THAT POINT?
Does it matter? Plenty more where they came from.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 10, 2016, 08:15:04 PM
Does it matter? Plenty more where they came from.
... I'm kinda thinking no. Not really comfortable with it. Kinda feel :horrormirth: but with very little funny.