A personal shit thread cuz I need one, ATM
This place I am living at now, it's good. There's a little girl my son can play with, it's in a safe neighborhood, and they're letting me stay rent free at the moment. The social aspect has been good for me, pulled me out of the doom spirals.
But it wouldn't be my life if there wasn't some sort of catch. If there wasn't I'd be terrified I was trapped in some Twilight Zone nightmare.
They are a married couple, plus there's a fellow who they've known a long time. He's nice. Quiet type.
The husband of this couple, I have talked about him before. He's the guy who freaked out however many years ago when I made a move on him and then waited however many years to have his wife tell me that he did in fact have feelings for me. He said we should have a few beers sometime, talk. And then he said nothing about anything for a year. Say lavee.
After moving in I thought, well, I thought he would say, you know, something, but he just plays video games all. day. long.
He was in this poly family...thing this last year and he's all heartbroken over this lady who bailed. He keeps comparing what I went through with what he went through. Ah ha, ah ha. Well, at least you still have a devoted, caring, loving wife, dude. Actually, you should wake up thanking whatever allows for such luck for a man who rarely does the dishes or make dinner. Hell, I've been doing more of that since I've been here than he has. Then again, none of my business. They work out their system for domestic shit, fine. I'm just saying he could be a little more grateful for what he has instead of pining after some Dawkins atheist who fucked off six months ago.
I sort of gave up on him talking about that, you know, gay sex thing, and I have this thing about people too afraid of their own self to step up and say something. I don't like banging people who lack courage, and I don't like doing the emotional heavy lifting for people I am involved with. If you start doing that shit in the beginning you end up doing it all the time. Like the dishes.
So, he finally says something. Last night. When he and I are shitfaced.
Am I the only one who really, really, really hates it when people can't open up unless they're soaked in booze?
Ah, yes, the other thing. Last night, I wasn't JUST shitfaced. I was riding high on the Holy Light of Eris.
Do any of you remember...let's see it was Cain, Phox, and Nigel...that guy who commented on my FB post about people reaching a certain age and becoming wise elders, he was being a passive aggressive dick and we descended on him like clouds of doom?
Well, that was shortly after I had been silently dumped by that dudes GF. They're a poly couple, which is ironic because my FB post was based on Nigel talking about gross "relationship queer" dudes.
Anyway, the fella that lives in this house, the non-married one, is dating THAT lady and she came over last night.
I did laugh and laugh and laugh last night.
So here we all are: Me, Too-Proud-Too-Beg Dude, his wife who is an awesome human being and a very good friend, roommate, and my ex-GF, playing dominoes. I was already applying boilermakers to my soul, so I just kept at it and got Holier Than Hell.
I love socially awkward settings. Ask Nigel. It's good fun. I slip in some slight commentary to my ex-GF, which she picks up on because she's smart as a whip. Everything is actually pretty chill and defused, partially, by the Holy Light.
My ex and the dude go upstairs and bang, loudly but not for long.
And while I am trying to keep the table I'm sitting at from flying away and crashing thought the window, Mr. Wait and Wait unloads on me.
Not in the good way.
The truth is: there is no way on earth I am banging anyone in this household. This is my last stop. If this doesn't work out it's back to the van. The god damned van that, of course, has needed a bunch of repairs and still needs completely new brakes. I can't and won't fuck this shit up with stupid genitals.
Plus, I'm in no place for that kind of thing anyway. I just got my divorce decree this week. I saw my ex-wife just an hour ago, so she could sign an amended tax return. I'm just now pulling myself out of that deep dark depression. As much as I would love to get laid, I don't want to get to know anyone, and my emotional state is stable as long as I don't think about romance.
It's all just so damned SILLY.
Anyway, I needed to unload that. Thanks PD.
Alty, what you are going through sounds really Goddamn familiar.
Oh, yeah, it was me at age 24. I got through it. You will too.
It's one of those times in life where, years later, you look back on it and YOU DON'T LAUGH AT ALL.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:30:52 PM
Alty, what you are going through sounds really Goddamn familiar.
Oh, yeah, it was me at age 24. I got through it. You will too.
It's one of those times in life where, years later, you look back on it and YOU DON'T LAUGH AT ALL.
Yeah, I'm doing all my laughing right now, and for some strange reason no one joins in. Probably too much teeth.
Right now I am just trying to ignore the hatred I feel toward ungrateful spouses, which is mighty. It's just not the time or the place for that sort of thing.
My business is sliding gently into the much again, mostly because it's summer and people go outside and play and don't think about massage until the fall.
I may not make it to the end of my lease in October, especially if I don't find another renter soon.
Quote from: Alty on May 05, 2014, 07:42:27 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:30:52 PM
Alty, what you are going through sounds really Goddamn familiar.
Oh, yeah, it was me at age 24. I got through it. You will too.
It's one of those times in life where, years later, you look back on it and YOU DON'T LAUGH AT ALL.
Yeah, I'm doing all my laughing right now, and for some strange reason no one joins in. Probably too much teeth.
They just don't understand horrormirth.
You know how I got out of MY bad situation?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:47:02 PM
Quote from: Alty on May 05, 2014, 07:42:27 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:30:52 PM
Alty, what you are going through sounds really Goddamn familiar.
Oh, yeah, it was me at age 24. I got through it. You will too.
It's one of those times in life where, years later, you look back on it and YOU DON'T LAUGH AT ALL.
Yeah, I'm doing all my laughing right now, and for some strange reason no one joins in. Probably too much teeth.
They just don't understand horrormirth.
You know how I got out of MY bad situation?
I do not, TELL ME, please.
Quote from: Alty on May 05, 2014, 07:49:47 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:47:02 PM
Quote from: Alty on May 05, 2014, 07:42:27 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:30:52 PM
Alty, what you are going through sounds really Goddamn familiar.
Oh, yeah, it was me at age 24. I got through it. You will too.
It's one of those times in life where, years later, you look back on it and YOU DON'T LAUGH AT ALL.
Yeah, I'm doing all my laughing right now, and for some strange reason no one joins in. Probably too much teeth.
They just don't understand horrormirth.
You know how I got out of MY bad situation?
I do not, TELL ME, please.
I moved away. Seriously. I got the fuck away from the toxic people I had associated with, and started over from scratch.
You live in a shitty town full of bad people. You have to get out.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:52:27 PM
Quote from: Alty on May 05, 2014, 07:49:47 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:47:02 PM
Quote from: Alty on May 05, 2014, 07:42:27 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 05, 2014, 07:30:52 PM
Alty, what you are going through sounds really Goddamn familiar.
Oh, yeah, it was me at age 24. I got through it. You will too.
It's one of those times in life where, years later, you look back on it and YOU DON'T LAUGH AT ALL.
Yeah, I'm doing all my laughing right now, and for some strange reason no one joins in. Probably too much teeth.
They just don't understand horrormirth.
You know how I got out of MY bad situation?
I do not, TELL ME, please.
I moved away. Seriously. I got the fuck away from the toxic people I had associated with, and started over from scratch.
You live in a shitty town full of bad people. You have to get out.
Sounds good. Sounds great. Can't.
I refer you to this thread as to why.
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=35966.0
I think we all know and Alty definitely knows more than all of the rest of us that he needs to get the fuck out of Alaska, but not abandoning his kid does take precedent and he's a good man for putting his child first.
Alty, depending on the time horizon for that, though, it may well be worth looking into alternative escape routes, though. For example; scouting business potential in an area you want to move to, and considering the possibility of, depending on the potential income, moving ahead of your ex and son, and squirreling money into a legal fund for her to hire a lawyer and sue for full custody of her other son. With what you've said, if you would be willing to write a letter to the judge, she has a solid shot at it if she could afford a lawyer. It would suck but if you could swing a visit every other month your son would know you haven't abandoned him, and you could move them down once the custody battle was over.
Having kids does make things complicated, though. I can't look at schools outside of the Portland area, because the parent who moves is the parent who forfeits custody, and I couldn't do that.
Maybe just see how your business goes this year, and consider your options.
I'm afraid I can't really offer solid advice on the situation you're in, but I have been through divorce and shitty breakups, and can always be a good vector to vent at if you wish.
However, I will say that you're a strong motherfucker, and I KNOW you're gonna pull out of this. Things don't change overnight, they don't change tomorrow, and not the next month, either. But, they do change. I know you have it in your to stick this out, and when the time comes, you'll be looking back and this and going, "Wow. That sucked, but life is awesome now." I promise.
Good luck, man.
Hope everything gets better Alty. If you ever need to vent just text me.
I dunno, I was laughing all night. That shit is just a giggle compared with the last year.
I also hate it when people cannot open up unless they are marinated in alcohol.
You're a good guy in a shit situation and I hope it works out for you. I admire your fortitude, if it were someone else in this situation, I'm pretty sure Alaska would be a crater by now.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on May 06, 2014, 04:35:47 PM
I also hate it when people cannot open up unless they are marinated in alcohol.
You're a good guy in a shit situation and I hope it works out for you. I admire your fortitude, if it were someone else in this situation, I'm pretty sure Alaska would be a crater by now.
Being a good person only works if you are in a good society.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on May 06, 2014, 04:36:52 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on May 06, 2014, 04:35:47 PM
I also hate it when people cannot open up unless they are marinated in alcohol.
You're a good guy in a shit situation and I hope it works out for you. I admire your fortitude, if it were someone else in this situation, I'm pretty sure Alaska would be a crater by now.
Being a good person only works if you are in a good society.
Or if you need plausible deniability.
For now I am going to focus on making money.
This involves making a resume, CV, cover letter for which to acquire employment as a massage person, looking into free marketing techniques, and broadening my scope of practice.
After dealing with LMTs in an authoritative manner I can safely say I know how to put together a better resume than I've done in the past. Reliability, capability, lack of stupid/flakey habits. If I happen upon a good job with a chiropractor that'll be super. I'll just have to weed through the greedy bastards and quacks.
I've actually been considering using Reiki and other sorts of practices, but I just can't fake it and I don't see the value in it personally. I struggle with this.
More than anything I don't want to be seen as a snake oil salesman by people with views similar to my own. I can see the sense in offering something people want anyway, and trying to give them a rational approach. But it does feel dirty because it's make-believe, even if it does help people. You can't sell it that honestly though, people want to believe it's real.
Whenever someone says to me, "You seem pretty nice to me." I always take a step back.
For one thing, I tend to apply the word "nice" to people who are harmlessly stupid. That says something right there, doesn't it? I don't want to shit on their super nice parade, I don't want to go the parade at all. Secondly, and more importantly, these people are just bombs waiting to explode. They will at one point realize the error of their assertion, this may be accompanied by a low-grade sense of horror.
OR
[A word of warning: we are now entering a TMI ZONE]
How He Recommended The Secret But Couldn't Keep It Up
Not the first time we hooked up. No, that was when I was nearing a nervous breakdown and my wife and I were not sharing a bedroom, which she felt gave her ample space to explore her Self. The first time happened when he was still living with his boyfriend of 9 years. They had just opened their relationship in that special way the immediately precludes a horrible and spiteful end. The first time he didn't have the god damned sense to keep the god damned dog in the god damned garage.
There is something extra special about being with a man who, once he is getting down to business, continuously shouts "SPARK! SPARKY!" *a few heaving breaths* "SPARKY!!" *pant pant thrust* "SPARK!" on an infinite loop that will never, ever, ever end.
When the brain damaged, 175lb, 1 year old dog is confused because the person in your bedroom is a stranger and won't stop FUCKING barking, you put him in the garage. Then again, when all this is happening to YOU, you put your pants back on and walk 7 miles in the snow. :lol:
No, of course you don't. You smile, you try to be nice.
Then you never respond to that dudes text messages ever again.
Then again...
Look, I could lay out every mind-flaying detail of the encounters I have had with humans in the last six months or so. I probably will at some point, just so I can print it out, keep it with me at all times and shove it into the face of people who don't believe I am cursed and scream, "HERE, YOU BLEEDING ASSHOLE! IT'S ALL RIGHT FUCKING HERE!"
But today I will sum up and merely say I have been having a rough go of it. So when Sparky's pal sends me a message saying his super gross boyfriend has moved out of the city and I have nothing to do but stare at walls on sunday I suggest we go hiking, stuff, whatever.
Now, a couple of things that probably make me less than nice:
-I lose interest in people who have, uh, a very basic grasp of politics/the world as it is. Not that I have the best hold on it myself, nor do I want to talk about it all the time, but...you know.
-I don't get people who listen to Top 40's radio stations, it seems like some kind of dullness. Can't they hear it? The sounds that come out of those speakers creeps into my head more and more and I can't tune it out. Like the racist at the other end of the bar that can't figure out why black people say, "Sup", don't they have bigger words? Everything fades out of view, the bustle of the place quiets down, and all I can do is feel my blood pumping and hear the idiot words.
Ah good, now I am just rambling, and it all seems petty. And it probably indicates I am just not into the guy's lifestyle choices. That's fine. What with the lack of solid intellectual/musical/emotional/ connection I rally forth because, shit, he IS nice. And capable. And why the fuck not. Try to have a good time, shake that shit loose, man. And I do. He may also not have the looks, but that's OK. He may enjoy the book The Secret and not fully understand why I don't. Maybe without the dog this time...
I don't even have to ask when we get to his place. The dog is away, hallelujah.
And then....
I don't think it's too much to ask for any one person to feel like a hot piece of ass every now and again. Even when there's a Samoan church's live band is playing so loudly right next door that the bedroom window acts like an auditorium speaker, I feel that I could entice some...ah. You know this isn't about failed erections. It really isn't.* It's about there always being Some Damned Thing. I have never taken a statistics class, but somehow I suspect that these odds are fucked.
Ok, I have no larger point than that. I just had to get this out or I was going to start screaming at everyone forever. Hell, it's only 2 in the afternoon, I still might.
*It really isn't.**
**Ok, it probably is.
No, no, wait. I do have a point.
When you recommend The Secret you should be able to keep it up. That's all. Otherwise...just what, in the FUCK, is that book worth?
Alaska, man. Just remind yourself that it's not you, they really ARE all crazy.