Over the course of the past several business cycles, I have inherited a large pool of experience in transforming direct language into a more polished and deliverable format. In fact, at this juncture, my ability to communicate without the use of approved wording has been critically compromised. Rather than view this development as a hindrance, I'd like to use this to generate an opportunity for production-positive knowledge transfer. To that end, I am offering to take submissions and modify their language to align with company communications policy. You are invited to participate in this exchange by offering the roughest, least polished terms and phrases you can think of.
To help, here are a few recent examples at my workplace that turned unacceptably blunt language into conversation-conducive remarks:
Original: WHY IS MY MANAGER AN ASSHOLE? HE KEEPS ASKING ME TO DO MORE WORK AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS ALREADY ASSIGNED!
Transformed: I seek to enhance my productivity output despite any obstacles presented by operational realities.
O: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL JACK THAT HIS MICROPHONE WILL NOT WORK UNTIL HE PLUGS IT THE FUCK IN?
T: Technological hardware considerations can have a tangible impact on audio traffic.
O: HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FILL OUT THE FORM, IF YOU WON'T GRANT ME ACCESS TO THE FORM ON SHAREPOINT?
T: Your admirable dedication to company security practices has inspired me to synthesize a solution to this task while remaining aligned with company processes.
O: THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING FUCKING MY SHIT SO SHIT DOESN'T GET FUCKED.
T: I am synergistically leveraging my core competencies strategically as a solution.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 26, 2014, 06:03:30 PM
O: THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING FUCKING MY SHIT SO SHIT DOESN'T GET FUCKED.
T: I am synergistically leveraging my core competencies strategically as a solution.
The organization is positively influenced by wide contribution to our ongoing conversation and owe a great deal of our progress to teams and individuals who have taken the initiative to investigate the most effective ways they can help in this endeavor.
How do I say:
"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2014, 06:27:16 PM
How do I say:
"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"
"We encourage your team to deescalate the situation on the ground by reevaluating your approach to the issues at hand. This is the most reliable path forward, and has a high probability of avoiding increased funerary expanses."
"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?
I am angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES.
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 06:41:20 PM
"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?
We will achieve capital expenditure reduction through a coordinated process that will introduce efficiency enhancements at a rate of one labor pool unit per sixty minutes until such time as our overall goals have been realized.
Quote from: President Television on September 26, 2014, 06:54:36 PM
I am angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES.
There has been an upswing in anxiety-positive encounters this quarter attributed to persistent operational issues within the North Pole Production division.
This thread is :lulz:
I want to work less hours for the same amount of money.
Quote from: Ragret on September 26, 2014, 08:25:32 PM
I want to work less hours for the same amount of money.
The words you're looking for are "Upper Management".
Quote from: Ragret on September 26, 2014, 08:25:32 PM
I want to work less hours for the same amount of money.
Recent surveys of top-grade performers have shown that it often makes excellent business sense to foster an environment where compensation is based on big-picture participation in and contribution to the work product rather than detail-attentive dynamics such as specific number of hours worked.
"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"
"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 09:16:28 PM
"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"
A net-negative cashflow in the near term can actually result in surprisingly strong financial outcomes in mid- to long-term cycles, when the investment is made to encourage effort-neutral contributions from otherwise underperforming business units.
Quote
"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"
In keeping with our Core Values Statement, remember to pool all assets in the receptacle provided, then align all efforts into an about-facing pattern while enumerating mathematical units into the triple digits.
"I need time off to go for an interview for a better job"
"You are clearly incompetent yet earn 5 times what I do. I am considering having you beaten by goons"
"You have no choice in this because of the realities of law and business you blithering simpleton"
"Pay me money or I will call the regulatory authority"
"I am not planning or doing anything suspicious"
Shut the fuck up before I start stabbing until one of us is dead.
Quote from: Freeky Queen of DERP on September 26, 2014, 09:43:07 PM
Shut the fuck up before I start stabbing until one of us is dead.
Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.
That's amazing! This whole thread is :lulz:
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 09:40:04 PM
"I need time off to go for an interview for a better job"
I would like to formally submit a request for a brief but justified absence this afternoon in order to pursue activities related my professional development.
Quote
"You are clearly incompetent yet earn 5 times what I do. I am considering having you beaten by goons"
If you review the attached presentation, you may find it in the best interest of our Department to invest in protective facegear for all management staff.
Quote
"You have no choice in this because of the realities of law and business you blithering simpleton"
We seek to assure you that events will transpire in strict alignment with all previously agreed-to conditions. If you would like to discuss the matter in greater detail, please consult our Defenestration Department on floor 16B.
Quote
"Pay me money or I will call the regulatory authority"
My conduct and communications on this matter are strictly bound both by the applicable legal framework and by the compensatory dedication which binds me to my position.
Quote
"I am not planning or doing anything suspicious"
I have taken no counter-cooperative action and seek only to bolster our common benefit in all circumstances.
Thank you Vex, a meeting I've got on Monday should be quite entertaining.
Oh, I'll probably need:
"I am going to have you beaten by goons"
"Large goons"
"With hammers"
too.
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 10:21:59 PM
Thank you Vex, a meeting I've got on Monday should be quite entertaining.
Report back with your progress! :lulz:
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 10:24:09 PM
Oh, I'll probably need:
"I am going to have you beaten by goons"
"Large goons"
"With hammers"
too.
Market realities might dictate that we invest in muscle-based policy enforcement.
The Contractors brought on board to help with this process are physically imposing.
They will also be bringing to the team their considerable expertise in osteo-breakdown tools.
(http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20100802.gif)
The sales people are selling things that don't exist, and may never exist.
This is great! :lulz:
"I just met this chick in a bar last night. She dragged me back to her place, snorted blow off my forehead, popped a viagra in my mouth, and nearly killed me with the sexual. While I was recovering and she was in the john her cell started ringing. I glanced at it. Name said PaPa Sugarcane, but the number was the Director's office number. I double checked to be sure and got the fuck out! He wasn't in today."
(I know it's a lot, and I have complete faith in your documented ability to proforma motivate in tandem with swift rising, asymetrical market demands! Your achievement is my goal.)
Quote from: a somewhat wiser Joe. on September 27, 2014, 08:17:32 AM
This is great! :lulz:
"I just met this chick in a bar last night. She dragged me back to her place, snorted blow off my forehead, popped a viagra in my mouth, and nearly killed me with the sexual. While I was recovering and she was in the john her cell started ringing. I glanced at it. Name said PaPa Sugarcane, but the number was the Director's office number. I double checked to be sure and got the fuck out! He wasn't in today."
(I know it's a lot, and I have complete faith in your documented ability to proforma motivate in tandem with swift rising, asymetrical market demands! Your achievement is my goal.)
At a privately-operated imbibement center overnight I established networking ties with a representative of the opposite gender department. After exchanging contact information and resumes, she proceeded to consume a first-order tropane alkaloid from my glabella, administered a dose of sildenafil orally, and then we actualized an anatomical transfer give and take session which nearly resulted in complete biological incapacitance. Afterward as the distinguished representative was consuming lavatory services and I was recharging for further research, I noticed her cell phone ringing. Upon closer inspection the Caller ID alluded to one "PaPa Sugarcane." Curiously, however, the telephone number displayed matched that of the Director's office phone. After confirming this actuality, I made the executive decision that it would be best to immediately separate myself from the situation and did so. Today, the Director does not appear to be in the office.
Quote from: V3X on September 27, 2014, 04:19:07 PM
Quote from: a somewhat wiser Joe. on September 27, 2014, 08:17:32 AM
This is great! :lulz:
"I just met this chick in a bar last night. She dragged me back to her place, snorted blow off my forehead, popped a viagra in my mouth, and nearly killed me with the sexual. While I was recovering and she was in the john her cell started ringing. I glanced at it. Name said PaPa Sugarcane, but the number was the Director's office number. I double checked to be sure and got the fuck out! He wasn't in today."
(I know it's a lot, and I have complete faith in your documented ability to proforma motivate in tandem with swift rising, asymetrical market demands! Your achievement is my goal.)
At a privately-operated imbibement center overnight I established networking ties with a representative of the opposite gender department. After exchanging contact information and resumes, she proceeded to consume a first-order tropane alkaloid from my glabella, administered a dose of sildenafil orally, and then we actualized an anatomical transfer give and take session which nearly resulted in complete biological incapacitance. Afterward as the distinguished representative was consuming lavatory services and I was recharging for further research, I noticed her cell phone ringing. Upon closer inspection the Caller ID alluded to one "PaPa Sugarcane." Curiously, however, the telephone number displayed matched that of the Director's office phone. After confirming this actuality, I made the executive decision that it would be best to immediately separate myself from the situation and did so. Today, the Director does not appear to be in the office.
That was great! You have restored my faith in the ability of doublespeak and jargon to cover all ills and make em sound pretty.
How about
"Go fuck yourself. I told you to tell that vendor not to arrive until after the morning deliveries are done at 11:30. Now I'm blocked into the lot by her van and the boss takes his sweet time schmoozing the pretty ones over lunch."
Quote from: a somewhat wiser Joe. on September 27, 2014, 04:38:57 PM
That was great! You have restored my faith in the ability of doublespeak and jargon to cover all ills and make em sound pretty.
How about
"Go fuck yourself. I told you to tell that vendor not to arrive until after the morning deliveries are done at 11:30. Now I'm blocked into the lot by her van and the boss takes his sweet time schmoozing the pretty ones over lunch."
Now would be an opportune time for you to engage in a self-actualizing autocoital exercise. As we discussed at our previous meeting, the 3rd-party vendor should have been instructed to postpone his arrival until after the already established time of morning deliveries. As a result of this oversight, the parking lot arrangement has negatively impacted my personal conveyance's range of momentum, and we will have to operate under these conditions while the Director bolsters company relations with prospective secretaries over lunch.
Dude! The weird part is execs eat this kind of crap right up. It's one of my favorite kinds of humor.
Now I want a Laconic Executive handbook. Teach em to use 1 syllable or less. Marketed on toughness and efficiency it just might fly if presented right.
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
Quote from: V3X on September 27, 2014, 06:37:55 PM
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
They also do it to avoid committing to anything. I asked a manager a yes/no question.
I got a 15 minute spiel about levering opportunities that had nothing to do with the question. I asked again, he got visibly flustered and gave the same waffle. Eventually I just had to walk away.
Quote from: Faust on September 27, 2014, 11:08:32 PM
Quote from: V3X on September 27, 2014, 06:37:55 PM
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
They also do it to avoid committing to anything. I asked a manager a yes/no question.
I got a 15 minute spiel about levering opportunities that had nothing to do with the question. I asked again, he got visibly flustered and gave the same waffle. Eventually I just had to walk away.
At this juncture our primary focus is to effectively pin down the definitions of our goals so we are better able to gain a widespread acceptance of our mission.
Has anyone made a corporatese generator yet?
Quote from: xXRon_Paul_42016Xxx(weed) on September 28, 2014, 12:51:56 AM
Has anyone made a corporatese generator yet?
Yeah like 30+ years ago.
His name is V3x.
Quote from: V3X on September 27, 2014, 06:37:55 PM
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
I had a symbolic parody roll through my head once to describe this sort of calm, willful ignorance. I call it the Ohnoboros. An Orouboros that rather than eating its tail has its head jammed up its arse. Calm and with slack tail.
One similar I think of as the Horrorboros has the impression of awareness of the predicament and panic.
Quote from: Faust on September 27, 2014, 11:08:32 PM
Quote from: V3X on September 27, 2014, 06:37:55 PM
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
They also do it to avoid committing to anything. I asked a manager a yes/no question.
I got a 15 minute spiel about levering opportunities that had nothing to do with the question. I asked again, he got visibly flustered and gave the same waffle. Eventually I just had to walk away.
I get a lot of this crap too. I am basically a skilled light industrial laborer and work in the Laundry Department of a huge hospital complex. My supervisor has astounded me with his ability to dodge and stall. I have notably unsettled him with my erudition, knowledge of my legal rights, and demonstrated ability to document things. He has learned to rely on me as willing to step up when things get nutty and this gives me quite a bit more leverage than I think he's comfortable with.
That said I DO have some respect for him. It's just that slipperyness seems like an essential survival trait in middle management
http://sos.oregon.gov/voting/Pages/default.aspx
7& i never found the card from the state | about Oct Vote deadline maybe
6^ so i ask her who she was | & was told she spelled her name with A Y
5! I ask for a receipt i got 1 / but was not able to read
4% ANyWay a new lady was there i had never seen B4
3? the next day ?/t {10am i took in my Rent check, for next month
2: i think it came from Brown S/s | & I dropped it in the Apt office for review
1. IT SHOULD SOON BE Oct | i can wait | really? i got a post card from the State
20140928 3:37:51pdT=> READ UP ^
Quote from: Faust on September 27, 2014, 11:08:32 PM
Quote from: V3X on September 27, 2014, 06:37:55 PM
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
They also do it to avoid committing to anything. I asked a manager a yes/no question.
I got a 15 minute spiel about levering opportunities that had nothing to do with the question. I asked again, he got visibly flustered and gave the same waffle. Eventually I just had to walk away.
I get a lot of this crap too. I am basically a skilled light industrial laborer and work in the Laundry Department of a huge hospital complex. My supervisor has astounded me with his ability to dodge and stall. I have notably unsettled him with my erudition, knowledge of my legal rights, and demonstrated ability to document things. He has learned to rely on me as willing to step up when things get nutty and this gives me quite a bit more leverage than I think he's comfortable with.
That said I DO have some respect for him. It's just that slipperyness seems like an essential survival trait in middle management
Sorry about the double msg. Phone still had it in the box and I thought I forgot to send it.
Quote from: V3X on September 26, 2014, 10:44:26 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 10:21:59 PM
Thank you Vex, a meeting I've got on Monday should be quite entertaining.
Report back with your progress! :lulz:
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 26, 2014, 10:24:09 PM
Oh, I'll probably need:
"I am going to have you beaten by goons"
"Large goons"
"With hammers"
too.
Market realities might dictate that we invest in muscle-based policy enforcement.
The Contractors brought on board to help with this process are physically imposing.
They will also be bringing to the team their considerable expertise in osteo-breakdown tools.
Meeting in an hour. Been looking forward to this all weekend.
As promised, I shall now re-communicate the driving factors of todays earlier stakeholder engagement meeting. To best establish our company line in matters, I took along one of my more physically imposing colleagues to best aid in negotiation of a favourable resolution for all concerned parties.
The driving factor for the agenda was that one party was concerned about financial reimbursement based on completed works and lapsed payment schedules. During our fact-find mission to best determine the root cause of the failure, I indicated my colleague was skilled with both conventional and non conventional tools, both within his core disciplines and has been able to extend them to further his professional career. It was established that both my colleague and his work mates are all similarly skilled with a range of familial obligations that require immediate attention. It was further established that to fail to meet this need they would be left time-abundant and live in an information rich society which allows access to names and addresses for a minor charge.
It was further considered that beyond the immediate physical risks at play there were a number of potentially punitive financial measures that could occur which would result in considerable cost to core stakeholders.
After some heated discourse about exact payment dates it was decided that the best course forward would be to leave my colleague in their offices until payments had been confirmed and processed by the relevant departmental heads.
My colleague had a lovely afternoon on his phone while monitoring the progress of the impending payment which was received in full by 3PM.
It is understood that to be preferred for him not to return to their premises though there is a clear agreement that he will return with a team of suitably qualified and experienced operatives should company demands dictate. I have committed to oversee draw up a suitable Plan of work for such an occasion should it arise and the overall nature of the content and indicative diagrams communicated and understood to their senior management team. The required plant and equipment list was briefly discussed and determined to be fiscally nominal and easily disbursed from petty cash.
And then Junk became Prime Minister.
... That's how it works, right?
No, I need to ergonomically leverage my operatives in to key positions while remaining in overall operational control of the core logistical planning requirements of a coup in progress.
I need more and bigger goons in more places, basically.
"Have you got the vig? Big Tony ain't interested in your excuses no more"
"Next time make sure that ice pick is full tang! I scratched my knuckles on that asshole's ribs."
"I assure you that if your signature is not on that contract by the time I count to 5, your brains will be."
This thread is still amazing. :lulz:
QuoteNow would be an opportune time for you to engage in a self-actualizing autocoital exercise.
A year and change on and this is still the best thing I've heard in my entire life :lulz: