...is so vanilla that actual vanilla looks daring and exotic next to him.
...owns twenty suits. They are all the same suit.
...enjoys a single scoop of unflavored icemilk with his daily multivitamin.
...has two children; has had sex exactly two times.
...plays pot limit Omaha with low-fat pretzels.
...willingly consumes tonic without gin.
...starts each morning with a bowl of plain grits.
... has a National Geographic subscription that he never reads, especially not for nudes.
... has been to exactly one rock concert to pick up a friend who was lost.
... spends every single Sunday afternoon vacuuming the carpet at his church to get it ready for the "evening rush".
... tried mushrooms once, on pizza and said they were "too flavorful" for him.
...uses the Y-front on his tightie whites.
...is really happy Full House is back.
...considers white toast ethnic.
...still tells people Forrest Gump is his favorite movie; hasn't actually seen it. He can't stay awake through movies.
...once ran a red light by mistake while learning to drive; this action haunts him still.
...his favorite thing to read is the Snellen eye chart.
...isn't quite so sure what this whole "Anna Kendrick thing" is about.
...loves looking for exotic decorative spoons at the flea market; has no intention of visiting these places. Diarrhea.
...is still broken up that Tiny Tim died on stage.
... owns several CDs of classical music. Every one is Bach.
... has a membership with the local car wash, and asks his mechanic to replace the windshield wiper blades.
... adds flax seeds to chopped iceberg and calls it a salad.
... refused to attend a friend's bachelor party because he heard a rumor that there might be girls there.
... drinks exactly half a flute of champagne at 10pm on new year's eve, because he needs to get his rest.
... Only wears pleated - front Dockers with the godawful tapered legs.
... Constantly hums television show themes. Never whistles.
... Has exactly two friends, one of which is a 'real loose cannon' because he doesn't attend church.
... Actually believed his kid's weed was oregano.
... Owns every Sheryl Crow album.
... got a job as a grocery cashier when he was 16, still working there after several pay cuts and changes of ownership.
... digests gluten just fine but avoids it anyway just in case.
... found a Playboy on the street as a kid and dutifully put it in a paper bag and gave it to his pastor to burn without opening it.
... has worn the exact same drab, brown sweater every single "Casual Friday" since 1987.
... drives a sensible, economical, family saloon, even though his chances of ever reproducing are nil
... religiously calculates MPG, based on milometer and pump data
... did this before MPG was even a thing
... files his junk mail coupons in dewey decimal
... is very, very happy.
...wears crocs with socks every single day of the year, except on fancy occasions.
...always orders biscuits and gravy at any place that serves them.
...tries to always eat up the leftovers.
...prepares and drinks tea ever morning, the exact same way.
...doesn't like being out past 8pm.
...wears black or grey t-shirts and draw-string pants every day.
...plays a uke.
...the kind you bring home to mother.
...has a perfectly maintained lawn, but no flowers or ornaments
...religiously circles programmes in the new TV guide despite it being the same programmes at the same time every week
...irons his socks
...has dreams where he's ironing his socks
...drives a sensible older car because he thinks buying a new one is a waste of money
...pays double the minimum payment on his credit cards
...calls his mom and dad every week just to check in
...doesn't pay attention to fashion because he doesn't understand it
...greets everyone with a smile because you never know who needs one
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 18, 2016, 03:03:04 AM
...drives a sensible older car because he thinks buying a new one is a waste of money
...pays double the minimum payment on his credit cards
...calls his mom and dad every week just to check in
...doesn't pay attention to fashion because he doesn't understand it
...greets everyone with a smile because you never know who needs one
(https://24.media.tumblr.com/44f51006cac6812d4eb885edb423b4a8/tumblr_n1f7jqN0CI1qcf5bvo2_r1_500.gif)
...Farted once and never forgave himself.
...folds his underwear neatly.
...owns a large collection of "wacky" ties, only wears them on April 1st.
...doesn't drink caffeine after 2 pm.
...wears a lobster bib.
...buys antacids in bulk.
...kissed a girl once. It was his wife.
... says "please" and "thank you" without being passive-aggressive about it.
... pays their taxes.
... understands and accepts the idea of a "social compact".
...pushes chairs in when leaving the table, even at fast food places.
...doesn't say much during an initial group social encounters.
...buys and prepares food in bulk to save money and create a sense of regularity for family.
...performs household cleaning tasks on a regular basis to avoid buildup.
We are talking about ourselves, right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsnxDQvQpw
Quote from: Alty on March 18, 2016, 05:47:14 PM
We are talking about ourselves, right?
I was talking about Merrick Garland, but you can talk about whoever you want.
(http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/parksandrecreation/images/3/38/Jerry.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110809181649)
Jerry!
Garry!
Terry!
Larry!
...owns 11 CDs
...all "greatest hits" or "best of"
...alphabetized
tells you that it isn't 'boringest' it is 'most boring'
repeatedly
...orders a hamburger at a fast food place, making sure to specify that they should not put onions, lettuce, pickles, mustard, or ketchup on it. And thoroughly enjoys his burger, first bite to last.
...his favorite drink is a virgin White Russian.
...misses the Lawrence Welk show
...makes a big deal over the difference between "less" and "fewer"
...has every Miss Manners column glued in to a scrap book
...really wishes Steve Forbes would run for president again
...believes Beyoncé runs the Illuminati
...had never dropped a coin in a fountain, because he considers it gambling
...refuses to lunch with people who don't wear wingtips
...believes Andy Warhol is a fictional character people just keep putting in movies
...thinks daisies are underrated
I feel like I must have missed the setup to this joke, because I really don't get it. Why are we making fun of people?
...does what he likes
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 18, 2016, 11:39:09 PM
I feel like I must have missed the setup to this joke, because I really don't get it. Why are we making fun of people?
I just started in like a dog chasing a car, but I really liked how you made a bunch of boring but highly positive additions. Ima try.
... will never have a police record and probably never deserve one.
... has almost certainly fed more homeless people personally than any dozen hipsters combined.
... has a credit rating so high that it could qualify as a magical power in some circles.
... actually cuts a bit extra out of his budget beyond the standard tithes for outside charities just because it helps people.
Quote from: Hoopla on March 18, 2016, 11:34:26 PM
...his favorite drink is a virgin White Russian.
...misses the Lawrence Welk show
...makes a big deal over the difference between "less" and "fewer"
...has every Miss Manners column glued in to a scrap book
...really wishes Steve Forbes would run for president again
...believes Beyoncé runs the Illuminati
...had never dropped a coin in a fountain, because he considers it gambling
...refuses to lunch with people who don't wear wingtips
...believes Andy Warhol is a fictional character people just keep putting in movies
...thinks daisies are underrated
This guy seems really interesting. Just saying.
...doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers a moderate amount
... Doesn't read the Sunday newspaper because he considers it to be "Too exciting and sensationalist."
... Predicted trick candles on his birthday cake once, and pulled them out to put them in water instead of attempting to blowing them out.
... Writes letters to the State every month to request that the highway speed limit be reduced.
... Regrettably bought a cheeseburger from McDonald's once, and folded the wrapper neatly... after letting the crumbs slide off into the garbage can.
... Trips every card value/face in Rummy that he can to avoid runs/straights being played.
... Releases stress and feels empowered every time he goes to the restroom, because that's when he gets to whisper, aggressively, all the curse words he wants.
... Cursed in front of his mother once when he was 13... and he still insists at the age of 50 that he should send her 30 dollars every week to make amends.
... Still uses Windows XP... But only to play the original Pinball Space Cadet.
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 18, 2016, 11:39:09 PM
I feel like I must have missed the setup to this joke, because I really don't get it. Why are we making fun of people?
Garland got nominated to the Supreme Court and we were joking at the office about what a bland, unobjectionable person he is, and it kinda got out of hand. Figured hyperbolic boringness might be entertaining for the spags here.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on March 19, 2016, 07:17:18 PM
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on March 18, 2016, 11:39:09 PM
I feel like I must have missed the setup to this joke, because I really don't get it. Why are we making fun of people?
Garland got nominated to the Supreme Court and we were joking at the office about what a bland, unobjectionable person he is, and it kinda got out of hand. Figured hyperbolic boringness might be entertaining for the spags here.
Ah, I see.