ch.0
i suddenly found myself in the flesh, sitting on a toilet in a stall in some washroom. i wiped my ass and pulle dup my pants. she has soem kinda sense of humour thats for sure. i gently prod at the door. solid. in the flesh. double yoo tee eff i mutter, and unlatch it. i take a look at the mirror. and i need a shave. the suit is decent, and i can feel the waeight of nancy on my kidney. trusty nancy, with her by my side i could take ont eh paniverse. but one thign at a time. i wash my hand and splash water on my face, run my fingers through my hair. i'm balder and i need a shave, but it's all good. it's been years since i've aged, or had flesh to age, so no complaints. dryignmy hands on the bleached mulched flesh of a tree, i walk out the door and on down the hall. a bar or a public house, it's dark and a karaoke machine is being weilded by a japanese man who is givign his heart and soul to love me tender while elvis is rolling somersaults in his grave. i saddle up on a stool and nod at the waitress. she gives me a smile and i giver a wink. canadian i drawl, and she crouches to a fridge under the bar and poppnig off the lid passes me ice cold sunshine. i give her a smile and thanks, and take a swig.
a smoke appears from midair held out by a striking woman with dark red brown almost brown or black and eyes fierce and soft and seductive and everythign in between, i take the smoke without a word and without taking my eyes off of hers, knwoign a man could lose himself in them or even die from them.
you're looking well H, not even gonna say hello?
hey babe, i've never felt better, cept when i ws dead.
well what's tehuse of a dead god when only flesh will do?
cut to the chase sister, we don't got all night.
you're right we got eternity and a half H, why don't you go sign a song for me?
the karaoke impressario shouts onhis mike "strangerinteh brown suit, come on up an dsing a tune for us tonight!" i i glare at Her and mozie on over, i say to him house of the rising sun? it's nto a question and hte rhtmic music is pullsing as i lay upon th emic with a voice remincnesent of a biker scraping across a hundred meters of pavement praying the girl on teh back goes quick, tears on my eyes as teh feeling washesout teh rapture of ten thousand apocalypses. i put the mic back after muttering my thanks to a crowd that didn't hear a word, and go back over to my stool.
did i ever tell you you have the saddest eyes i've ever seen H?
i'm sure you didn;t call me back to seduce me babe, so give me the good word already.
I need a hero H, the world needs a hero. you know any sueprheros H?
if i see any i'll eb sure to ysend em your way.
Someoen you knwo needs a superhero H, you always gonna walk away?
when i stumbled outta th ebar 6 hours later, i didn't know wherei was going, but i knew where i was going, straight into the abysmal depths of eternal hell.
Oh, yeah.
Good stuff. Keep it going, buddy.
ch1 is coming shortly.
:)
edit: look back to the ladn of thud og action for some charachater references. thisis your last warning.
ch.1
a sunny black cadilac raced down some forgotten throughfare leaving a dust trail 3 miles long, the zebra at the wheel singing along so badly to soem kind of old fart music it'd make children cry, if there were any children to hear it. Living easy, living free Season ticket on a one-way ride a bottle of some kind of horrible engine celaner half drunk flying out of the cockpit to nearly miss the lonely brown clad figure trudging down the shoulder in the face. nearly.
the breakfast was beign especially tasty, and the girl who kept th eorange juice coming had a nice smile that made the day and my head feel a littl e better at every turn said my glasses were cool. i must've known the day was going too well, when kung fu fighting started playing on the jukebox. i should've picked i t up right away, but hey, what fuck, i was rusty and not a day reborn in the light of salvation upon Her bosom. my next hint was the flying star that split my easy over chicken fetuses in half. i did what any sane man would do and flipped the table u[and into the face of the first ninja that apparently didn't realize someone could do a thign liek that. my fore and middle fingers foudn a home in the next ninja's eyesocket while i caught another flying star in my teeth. spittign it into the third ninja's throat, i decided i'd make these fuckers pay dearly if my glasses were scratched. and that's when i foudn my self surrounded by three or four dozen black clad vieled cold blooded killers who'se single purpose was to murder me and look cool doign it. apparently they had a love affair with mistakes as well, but i had mercy in my hand in the blink of an eye and i was givign the breakfast a new coat of red paint, weavign in and out and not even breaking a sweat. whoever i was being sent up against, they hadn't counted on one very important fact.
the cadi flew sideways and twisted aroudn itself as g forces attempt to wrench it's wheels from teh gravel pavement, befor ei t came to a rest speeding forward as before.
Shitballs and piss storms dude, way to try and give a zebra a heartattack huh? jeeezus h. pincushions. how do you do that any way?
the man in brown who had appaeared suddenly int eh passenger seat jsu tshurgged and took the bottle out of the grasp of the zebra in teh driver's seat, and took a swig without even btoherign with the ciggarette.
you shoudl drinka nd drive man, it's unhealthy.
fuck if coudl drive when not drunk, i'd wouldn't bother, these thigns are deathtraps. what the fuck are you doing out here in teh middle of buttfuck idaho anyway?
goign that way.
he nodded in the general direction the car was racing towards.
well it's always that way with you ain't it? jeesh. well don't le tme stand in your way man, you know me, gettin old, too old to be runnign aropudn with the likes o fyou, next thign you'll have ninjas jumping out of the woodwork to try and make soup from my bones.
sorry man, that was breakfast.
ahh fuck. well don't change the fuckin radio station ok? an dgimme back my bottle, i can't drive this thing sober.
YOu call your sword "mercy".
Brilliant.
Nice juxtaposition, too.
Knew I could count on you, Horab.
::extremely literate high-five::
not so much i who called it as such, but we'll get to that before too long.
ch2
boy, what a strange day. at the office head on tghe computer as usual, and then they walked into the offices, arguing back and forth.
..mail is not worht this, we should jsut stop at som-
dude, shut the fuck up already, eff eff ess dude, i want to find out why i can't log. thsi thing shoudl get server access on the otehr side of the edge, so fuck not getting my mail. it's waaaaay bigger than mail buddy. IS THERE A IT GODDESS IN HERE?
my head swiveled back and i saw the man, brown suit and aviator sunglasses, and a zebra walking upright with a sixpack in one hoof and an open beer in the other.
OK mr.?... you need to clalm down i am the it goddess here. whoa re you? we're not a tech support comapny ya know.
dude, i don't need a tech support compant, i need a it goddess, and you are an it goddess are you not?
that's waht it says on my email headers, but OK, ummmm. what can i do for you?
he shoves his hand into hs coat and looks deep in thought as e rummages through... what i don't know, and hten pulls out what looks like a pda.
it says enn ell see arr connection cannot be verified.
enn ell see arr?
yeah man, non-local communicatiopn protocol. my server at home is creation powered so i know it's not turned off. the onyl explaination is i at soem point closed the access ports. now i need to bypass these, and tell you the truth, i was fucked right outta my skull when i built the damned thing, so uh yeah, can you circumvent the security protocols?
well are you sure it's not somethign else?
like what?
well look at network settings, under cotnrol pannel in teh start menu.
whjat? i don't think i have start menu?
he looked at the zebra with a raised eyebrow, then turned back his attention to me and toook off his aviators. look dude, here, take a look. he handed the pda, and as i gaze dupon it's surface i... i.. don't klnwo what happeneed i wopke up a few minutes later presumably to tghe man and the zebra talking
...i dunno about this horab, i mean i cant' handle the graphics of your machines myself, but that was. i dont' think this is the earth you knew.
nonsense dude, this is earth, but i haven't been here in such along ass time i forgot. uh sorta. well there's only one thig for...
there's no smoking in here.
the man in brown muttered apologies and put otu the smoke with his thumb and forefinger while i tried nto to wince.
ok, so here's what i'm thinking, can you build me a machine of total leetness by which i can access my mail from any where in say, tis paniversal quandrant?
what? leet? paniversal quandrant?
one three three seven! uber, uh you know badd motherfuckin ass yo.
oh. umm. maybe i'm sorta ont he clock right now.
well i can pay you. say, a hundred thousand moist towelettes?
moist towelletes?
that when the zebra started looking worried.
hey hroab, i'm scared man, i don't thionk is such a good idea at all, she has rather large breasts.
so what the fuck dude?
yes i do, and ?
what if she's one of the large breasted amazonin women from hooj brystalon? i have scars from that palce.
dude, shut the fuck up and have anopther beer. ED! there's no battle axes or pikes or anything on the walls, so relax yoself you damn fool zebra.
my apologies dude, he was trumatized by his large breasted aunts as a child. he said glarign at teh zebra.
if moist towwelettes doenst' work for you, what would you want?
dollars?
ok how bout a million dollars?
uhmmmm..?
not enough hundred millon dollars? well let's go. there must eb a tomorrow town near by.
OK, but i am a woman, not a dood.
so you are dude, c'mon, we don;t got all century here.
which is how i foudn myself crawling on the floor of the tomorrow town, tryign to avoid lumberjacks axes while assembling a machine with next to impossible specs.
fuckin' A, yo!!!
*applauds heartily*
8)
Brilliant, hilarious, I laughed til I cried. You have no idea how many times I have had to explain to people that they do indeed have a start button.
well my os msot certainyl doesn't have a start button, but i definitely wanted to have that in there.
Very nice. I like the image of a zebra holding a beer.
This explains why zebras are always terrified of the sight of breasts.
ch.3
i lazily sidestepped an ax which was weilded by a largeish husky man wearign an awful lot of plaid and bl;ack suspenders, or wore suspenders, as mercy found a path through his forearm and his midsection. ed yelled out a few aisles down "what i would give for a fuckin death ray or a obliterator bazooka right now, guns you ahve to reload suck ass man! ARRGH DIE as the autoshotty he carried tore the face off an other lumberjack. the fellow with two hatchets waving them oddly looked suprised when whiel attempting to block mercy, found that mercy sliced through the ax heads with as much ease as it cliced through his skull and his spine. the look on his face was not lost as he fell to either side, mercy flowing behind me to take another ax weilding fool in the opposite direction. fromt eh corner of my aye i noticed an ax flyign towards me and planting mercy into another fellow "here hold this will you please?" i plucked it out of the air and drove it into a scraggily beared man to my right. the fools, they were making a mess of the tomorrow store, adn there was nothign for it except leave a large sum of moist towelletes to pay for the mess. bah! nancy slid out of her holster and unleashed thundering carnage into the man who threw the ax's forhead, bursting his ksull liek an over ripe melon full of dynamite, an dhten again int eh fellow towering over neener as she laboured over the box i had commisioned. i really hoepd she'd find what she needed here, these fuckin flatcake fiends were gettign outta hand. 4 more eruptions of furious violence erupted out of nancy's mouth and one lumberjack still remained inside the store, teh rest felled by ed's autoshotty. "the question you gotta ask yourself, is did i fire 6 shots o-" he swung his ax at me. damn, i hate it when fuckin n00b faces interupt me when i'm delivering one liners. i toss nancy up grabbed the blade of the ax with my left hadn and tore otu his throat with my right. "fuckin eh. you done yet neener?"
"yeah, let's get otuta here! OK?"
"roger that. hey ed let's go"
"fuckballs shitstains!"
"yeah yeah, hey you miss behidn the counter? here's soem moist towelletes that ougth apay for the mess. sorry man>" i tossed her a box containing a coupel dozen vouchers for moist towelletes, good at any banks in the paniverse, more or less. and went outside.
which was when i realized there was alot of fuckin lumberjacks out there. "aww crap. double yoo tee eff. can yous ee where we parked the car ed?" "over there?"
mercy was in my hand and iwas ready to carve a path using it's awesoem power when the crowd parted aroudn an odious looking fellow wearing stained pajams and blasting away with a double barreled shotgun while yelling at the caverns in skulls he was producing "TAKE THAT YA BLOODY SLAGS! YEAH EAT MY FECKIN LEAD ARSEFACE! YEAH! YA BLEEDIN WANKERS! PH34R MY BOOMSTICK!!!!" slackjawedmutherfuckin ahdkaw. "hey horab, skin one up and we'll blast these fuckers into next week mate!"
"no time for dope mr. kawshus, i've got to check my mail."
and mercy cut through what is making a doorway to...
Doorway to where?
Doorway to where??
Doorway to where???
Norway?
Sorry, acted on impulse.
Quote from: love jesus or die...fuckin eh...
:lol:
liked the rest too...
the corner of the bar where horab neener ed and ahdkaw walked into out of no-where was dark and dank and un used to having anyone at all in it. and that was just the way horab liked it.
have a seat folks, and neener, if you could uh hook that thin together, jsut plug it into the air and it ought abe fine, i gotta go talk to the pope.
you mean he's here? neener's jaw gaped incredulouisly.
sure, he is thebarkeep. horab shurgged and shook his head at teh odd question. he mosied up to the bar and a face amterialized out of thin air.
hey horab! you seem different today?
yeah new hair cut... horab gave a croked grin to the face.
and more intersections into teh reality consensus. have you been making people agree with you again?
people always agree given the rigth argument oh bee, you oughta knwo that mroe than most, where's mangrove?
he's in back watchign soaps, you want him?
naw dont' bother, i need 6 beer, two of my regular, a bottle for ed. oh and umm power for t hat monster sized box on my table and a connection to the innernet. fuckin mail.
heh, no problem, anytiome i'll have the new guy send up the drinks when he comes back, anything to eat?
maybe in a bit... karaoke tonight?
tomorrow, ladies night too, you oughta come you look good in that flesh.
horab shurgged his eyebrows and waved off the compliment, no time for love dr jones, no time for love, walking back towards the table.
two hands appeared out of the face with a cloth wiping down the bar surface grinning.
...tehn i saw them fuckin scags taking up teh parking and was like feck right off ya feckin wankas! hey mate have a puff o this...
hroab took the doobie and took a a draw, lettign the smoke fill his lungs.
ya that hits the spot, thanks man.
and passed it on
OK mr. fibslager you are connected, this is quite some crazy bar, with everything lpugged intot eh air liek this, but since this morningi'm not sure if i wouldbe surprised if kangaroos fell fromt eh cieling iwth uzis int ehir hand dressed in full body armour!
hroab looked around half expecantly.
well uh you never knwo do ya?
it wasn't a question.
so whatta ya on abotu mate? saving the universe again? kieth chegwin menacin the planet or somesuch?
umm uhh well. i forget actually. hey i got a lot of mail wow!
well feckin a! bloody feck in ballspit horab! i'm gonna go play soem stick!
and withthat ahdkaw moaned on over to the pool tables.
oh cool a 250$ gift certifcate for coffe from soemone called the coffee terroist. we'll definitely have to go check that out.
a middl eheight dark skinned woman wearinga clingy chamoise strutted over to their table with a tray in hand placing the drinks down. ina deep manly voice told them
j00 4|23 teh fibslager?
w0rd up j0! ed gaped for a moment.
7h353 |>|2!n|<z 4|23 0n t3h h4u5.
thx, dude, that's a nice body btw, kaos magickian?
w0rd, i was destracted during a vieling ritual and instead of a temporary incantiation it turned half permanent
only half?
y3s, j0 1337 s|<i11 is 1393n|>4|2y, could you hook me up j0?
w0rd. but uh can i touch your rack first? it's pretty nice adn it woudl go to waist.
n0 w4y d00dz0rz! it is bad enough d00dz think i am a teh chix0r withotu being felt up by j00!
damn,w ell ok then, umm alabama!
and with that the woman wasa amn, tall fair skinned and haired andwearing a black chamoise still.
w00t! ahhh!!! h4x grrr! x10 thx d00d!
do you know anyone who goes by the handle coffe terroist?
n3g. d00d, but the dick down teh street might.
k 10x dude, taker easy eh.
w0rd l8r!
neener look at horab incredulously as the man walked away hurriedly, apparently all too aware of his state of dress.
what was that all about? i couldn't understand a word of it!
just leet speak man,w hen you the god of pwn you ahve to be qwell versed.
pohn?
er yeah pwn.
she took a chug of one of hroab's drinks a little thing he had picked up in the vicinity of betelgeuse five and never meant for human consumption and passed out.
geez louise and her sister the tease. 'nother one ob!
a disembodied voice replkied "sure thing"
and horab lit a smoke and slugged bag his beer.
i don't like much coffee, he thought, but maybe they got donoughts...
:)
I enjoy this very muchily.
We got a genre goin! We got an entire worldview up in this motherfucker!
I love you, man, nothing else, just, that was fantastic, you have no idea, this has made my day. I don't think neener would pass out that easy :wink: but this is your story, and it is beautiful.
ps I understood the l337 5p34|<, just a little slow, not !11!7312473, h3h3h3h3.
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyI love you, man, nothing else, just, that was fantastic, you have no idea, this has made my day. I don't think neener would pass out that easy :wink: but this is your story, and it is beautiful.
ps I understood the l337 5p34|<, just a little slow, not !11!7312473, h3h3h3h3.
i woreit einthe 133t spea4k an dthspeia jus rfor yall comombined it itturned otu ot e a ver shitty, shitty dat all rin all, , rbruq hjey shit happenshe., where the stroy fgoes from here, only goddess knows. loaugh out fuckin lyuf. four fucks ake. fuckin eh. goood goddess please fuckij save mwre.
Quote from: horabQuote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyI love you, man, nothing else, just, that was fantastic, you have no idea, this has made my day. I don't think neener would pass out that easy :wink: but this is your story, and it is beautiful.
ps I understood the l337 5p34|<, just a little slow, not !11!7312473, h3h3h3h3.
i woreit einthe 133t spea4k an dthspeia jus rfor yall comombined it itturned otu ot e a ver shitty, shitty dat all rin all, , rbruq hjey shit happenshe., where the stroy fgoes from here, only goddess knows. loaugh out fuckin lyuf. four fucks ake. fuckin eh. goood goddess please fuckij save mwre.
l33t, understandable, that, not so much. I think you were trying to say you wrote more of it in l33t but it made it too hard to understand, but it could be the lyrics to smelly cat for all I know :shock:
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyQuote from: horabQuote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyI love you, man, nothing else, just, that was fantastic, you have no idea, this has made my day. I don't think neener would pass out that easy :wink: but this is your story, and it is beautiful.
ps I understood the l337 5p34|<, just a little slow, not !11!7312473, h3h3h3h3.
i woreit einthe 133t spea4k an dthspeia jus rfor yall comombined it itturned otu ot e a ver shitty, shitty dat all rin all, , rbruq hjey shit happenshe., where the stroy fgoes from here, only goddess knows. loaugh out fuckin lyuf. four fucks ake. fuckin eh. goood goddess please fuckij save mwre.
l33t, understandable, that, not so much. I think you were trying to say you wrote more of it in l33t but it made it too hard to understand, but it could be the lyrics to smelly cat for all I know :shock:
not sure what i was on about really. shitty night at elast teh end was.
Quote from: horabQuote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyQuote from: horabQuote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyI love you, man, nothing else, just, that was fantastic, you have no idea, this has made my day. I don't think neener would pass out that easy :wink: but this is your story, and it is beautiful.
ps I understood the l337 5p34|<, just a little slow, not !11!7312473, h3h3h3h3.
i woreit einthe 133t spea4k an dthspeia jus rfor yall comombined it itturned otu ot e a ver shitty, shitty dat all rin all, , rbruq hjey shit happenshe., where the stroy fgoes from here, only goddess knows. loaugh out fuckin lyuf. four fucks ake. fuckin eh. goood goddess please fuckij save mwre.
l33t, understandable, that, not so much. I think you were trying to say you wrote more of it in l33t but it made it too hard to understand, but it could be the lyrics to smelly cat for all I know :shock:
not sure what i was on about really. shitty night at elast teh end was.
A hex on those who vex you. A curse, or worse, on those who keep you from writing this beautiful story. :D
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyQuote from: horabQuote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyQuote from: horabQuote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyI love you, man, nothing else, just, that was fantastic, you have no idea, this has made my day. I don't think neener would pass out that easy :wink: but this is your story, and it is beautiful.
ps I understood the l337 5p34|<, just a little slow, not !11!7312473, h3h3h3h3.
i woreit einthe 133t spea4k an dthspeia jus rfor yall comombined it itturned otu ot e a ver shitty, shitty dat all rin all, , rbruq hjey shit happenshe., where the stroy fgoes from here, only goddess knows. loaugh out fuckin lyuf. four fucks ake. fuckin eh. goood goddess please fuckij save mwre.
l33t, understandable, that, not so much. I think you were trying to say you wrote more of it in l33t but it made it too hard to understand, but it could be the lyrics to smelly cat for all I know :shock:
not sure what i was on about really. shitty night at elast teh end was.
A hex on those who vex you. A curse, or worse, on those who keep you from writing this beautiful story. :D
I agree and raise it another hundred pounds' worth of pressure.
well thx. i don't they were gonna stop me from writing the story or anything tho. they'd have to chop my hands off for that. or my brain... or gouge out my eyes.
Quote from: Tlacaxipehualiztliwell thx. i don't they were gonna stop me from writing the story or anything tho. they'd have to chop my hands off for that. or my brain... or gouge out my eyes.
You like that name, eh?
My nahuatl name is "Tlayecchihualli" which is really not a name and is not how you think it is pronounced. (It sounds sort of like 'theye-eksee-WAHL-yee')
i ahve no idea how to pronounce it.
but look forward to some fun twists on modern aztec myth.
Quote from: Tlacaxipehualiztlii ahve no idea how to pronounce it.
but look forward to some fun twists on modern aztec myth.
Your name is sort of like "tha-ka-sheepeh-wah-LEES-thi"
Quote from: Irreverend Hugh, KSCQuote from: Tlacaxipehualiztlii ahve no idea how to pronounce it.
but look forward to some fun twists on modern aztec myth.
Your name is sort of like "tha-ka-sheepeh-wah-LEES-thi"
i prefer to pronounce it tlacasoemthignorother.
Quote from: TlacaxipehualiztliQuote from: Irreverend Hugh, KSCQuote from: Tlacaxipehualiztlii ahve no idea how to pronounce it.
but look forward to some fun twists on modern aztec myth.
Your name is sort of like "tha-ka-sheepeh-wah-LEES-thi"
i prefer to pronounce it tlacasoemthignorother.
You don't just want to be "tlaca" or whatever becuase "tlaca" refers to eating and left alone it is akin to fellatio.
I pronounce it "horab".
so good i come from self-imposed posting exile to praise it.
it must be rather smashing then.
are you ont eh drugs again ak? or uh dc. uhmmm urgh. brain melting.
ch5 pi in teh face
bills. i have an unfettered respect for bills, waht with their complete contempt for my bank account, adn wether or ot my bank accoutn is full enough to apy them. which it decidedly was not. how i love bills. trudging up teh stairs i wondered fi a "post no bills" sign on my maibox would help any. probaly not, it didnt' seem tohelp those guys in teh movies much anyway. i contemplated how great the day would be now that the worst fo it was over, relaxign in my easy chair doodling with my pencils whiel awaiting non existent clients. mom was right, i should've been a lumberjack. of course i didn't suspect that someone would eb waiting for me, a man wearing aviators and a classy brown suit. i should've recognized him right away but... well there was somethign odd abotu him, as if he'd got a hair cut or something, if deadmen got their hair cut that is.
EL!!!! dude! i've been waiting for you all day!!! man i thought i was a late riser!
is.. that...? Horab fuckin Fibslager!!! did you get a haircut?
soemthign liek that the old lady gave me flesh, got time fora job man?
nothign but time, what's the case?
well igot this here coupon for 250 dolalrs worth of donoughts or coffeee and i need to track it down!
he stood up as i sat down and began gesturing wildly.
that's a lot of coffe man
or donoughts!!! he pointed wildly at me, empahsizing his point.
well what have you got then?
well it's from someone calling hismelf the coffee terroist. it could eb a trap but it's too good an offer not to spring! you keep your ear to the ground what do ya think man?
coffee terrorist? that sounds liek mal, maybe. a trap? he looked around and then spun coming round to meet me with a level gaze
yes! but nevwer mind about that man! donoughts!!! HAHA!!! think fo it man!! dare to dream el. dare to fuckin dream!!!!
i put on ym best quizzical look and failed, and decided to put on my best ocnfused look instead, which may have worked otu ebtter except for the bannan which smached through my office window at that precise moment.
They've found me again! jesus! damned forces of 3vi1!!! do you have a car?
yeah yeah, downstairs
more fruit began flying through th eother windows, leaving glass and gooey bits all over my office.
quick! to the en oh mobile!!!
uhh right. you got money for gas?
will a million dolalrs do?
what?
ok ok hundred mill, whatever let's go!
we got outside and there were monekys everywhere flinging variosu fruits they got from goddess knows where at us, horab seemed to avoid tehm lazily withotu paying the fruti mind, shouting curses and shaking his fist wildly. i got a peach int eh face. any suspicions i had abotu hroab's deadness vanished when he caught one of the bannas lodged at him and whipped it back at the offending hominid before ducking into the passenger seat of my camaro.
DRIVE MAN DRIVE HAHA!!! they got a classic rock station in this town?
...ing where the water tastes like wine, We can jump in the water, stay drunk all the time.... adn mad guitar distortion rang through th espeakers as i gunned it into 2nd. what a perfect day.
This is the most perfectly Erisian story I have ever read! Not only is the content Chaos, confusion, and disorder, but Mr Figslaber's typing style adds all the more Erisian content.
~BMW
Eager for the next chapter
That was great, no really, it was, but, where is the goddess :cry: j/k, it was great. Unexpected twists are always good, keeps the reader on her toes. :wink:
Quote from: Mr. Fibslagerare you ont eh drugs again ak? or uh dc. uhmmm urgh. brain melting.
again? you never told me I stopped! Best not to eh, how will you ever finish this story if i'm not bollocksed?
Love it, man.
You gotta watch out for the monkeys. No, really.
little Simian bastards.
Quote from: Buddhist_Monk_WannabeThis is the most perfectly Erisian story I have ever read! Not only is the content Chaos, confusion, and disorder, but Mr Figslaber's typing style adds all the more Erisian content.
~BMW
Eager for the next chapter
Yeah. Took me a while to figure out who was telling it, but it works
I demand updates!
Please? :mrgreen:
Quote from: HoshikoI demand updates!
Please? :mrgreen:
yes yes, soon soon, i ahve the plot and general story outline for ht enext 2 or three chapters in my brain. i'm jsut waiting for th amoment of spontaneity topunch me in the face and say "you fuckin hsoer, get to that keyboard and write a few paragraphs damn you!"
also i'm tryig to decide how to justapose the plot inversely to the backstory while alluding to the past and totally givign away the future, not to mention...
chapter 6- a sudden change of plot
there were sounds not uncommon to the night here, and the darkness was not out of place for this time of day. what was unsual was the several hundred pirates which had invaded the city at dusk and were moving stealthily towards their prey.youn gmen turned away thei rfaces, women and children rushed to any nearby haven. yet one man stood alone, wandering drunken, and taking a piss on a street light which was not illuminating anything at this very moment.
what do you mean you don't know? she asked?
"hell the fuck should i know i duno man, i'm not th eauthor here, go ask him"
"but aren't you? and why are you all red? if you weren't a ghost i'd be worried it looks like blood."
"i'm not anymore and it is"
"what?"
"you don't have any beer? doersn't matter anyway, my stomach is killing me, mind i fa smoke in here?"
"what do you mean by 'i'm not and it is?" she looked suddenly uncomfortable with the idea, as if it was unusual for people to be about alive and welled and renched in blood
"uh, you know, well for the latter, i got bored and went to a place that is full of myselves, and in a fit of, i'm not sure which here, either sadism or masochism, i had at er so to say. well er i killed myself, alot of me. i'll tell you more about it later in the chapter if you'd like"
"please don't. and you know you aren't allowed to smoke in here. go outside. adn the former?"
"what do you mean? i know...?" he was confused by this, it made him loook liek he was scowling or about to lose his temper. or take a really mean shit.
"you've been haunting my basement for years, have you lsot your mind again or something?"
"i lost my mind before?i haunted your basement?"
i'm not sure what words in particular did it, but she looked at me with tears brimming. she looked hurt, really hurt, and i was even more confused for it. i didn't understand it any mroe than i coudl say i understand anything in this story, but like i had told her, iwas not the one writig this story, and so i very little to say or do, except to follow the plot, or what passes for one here. wu wei. teh illusion of free choice was overbearing on some folks, so i just stopped.
a bell rang and a cock crowed and from the rooftops, from tehwindows, from the alleys and from behind cars and grom sewer grates they rushed. they were all screaming log a log or yarrr or any number of foul insults or battle cries.it was an aural orgy, adn dissecting this din is not our piroity concern as we watch the unfolding violence. as if making some magic trick happen for a show of kiddies having a birthday party in the middle of a dark street in a rundown part of town, he gestures, quietly slowly, and those pirates, scraggly scrawny scurvied and smelly, who were at one moment running toward him, were suddenly flyifn backwards in every direction. and for a breif moment it was quiet, except for the sound of fire lighting upa ciggarette, of a moan and a curse. adn then the cacophony drew up on itself again and launched itself at him and yet another lazy gesture and light upon lights, soul upon souls, what those who suffer beg for and those who do not deserve it fear, mercy sang to those poor souls, those fools who coudl defeat thei ropponent because, liek emperor palpitine in return of the jedi, they had underestimated their enemy. underestimated his willingness to die by their hand, and hteir ability to make their imagination his reality. mercy sang and danced a merry jig, it hummed and whistled and pirates fell about, he was mercy, and this was his forgiveness. after it was all said and done, the lone figure stood there, a long deep drag on his smoke. the man wore brown.
"ok so i lied. not this chapter, but th enext one maybe? i still have a promise to keep and i like to keep my word when i can." he looked down at her sitting on the couch, and went outside for a smoke. "where do i know her from anyway?"
:D Another chapter. Cool.
ch 7 - this one's for you
i stood up and went outside. he was sitting on the step, his jacket on the grass being soaked through. i'd never seen him wear his gun belt before, the wood paneled handle sticking out underneath his arm. he raised a dark red hand and took a slow drag from his ciggarette. his te was unloosed his shirt unboottoned at the neck. he looked tired. he looked like jesus.
"so why are you covered in blood then?"
i bit my lip as he looked somewhere beyond the grass and the street adn the house across it. somewher far i imagined. hestayed that way in a freize for a time. a long time and i almsot thought he was ignoring me, just as he looked up and said quietly, "i was drunk, and feeling self pity and hatred and all that sorta thing one feels after one has just bribed hte author to break the story line irrevocably at four in teh morning. i went for a walk, and soem pirates attackedf me, so i killed them, and then, i went to a universe around the corner... i eman i dunno did i ever tell you i was infinite?"
he didn't wait fo rme to answer.
"i once won a game of poker. i don't know how to play poker,not really, but jehovah, whom was one of the other players, said i had won th epot. oneof the things in the pot was infinitness. that is the state of being infinite. or maybe, it was that incdent with the tranlocationer, and the chocolate, and that woman, but it's all preetty fuzzy, alot of thigns are fuzzy. but anyways. i began multiplying. fractures in reality or causality or linearity. or something.
anyways, there was a point when iw as going around collapsing whole realities by simply being too many. so i went to a place which was inhabited soley by myself. yeah kind of freightening i know. but i get my sick kicks from that sorta thing, so i went there, adn i said hello to some of myselves. we began arguing abotu something, man i love to argue sometimes. ad they, or i, or me's or whatever, tried to tak emercy from me. i woudl think i'd be smarter than that. even among myselves only i can weild mercy. but i have this effect on myself that i think i am myself, when in reality i am not myself but merely some abherent accidental carbon copy that's not quite right. that' smissing something. we got into it and well, i killed myself. alot. it was pretty brutal. liek i said, i'm not sure if it was being sadistic or masochistic at that moment. adn then..."
he stood up then, and fixed my eyes in his gaze.
i'm not sure. i was here. the author is having fun at my expense, or maybe it's Her, i thinki pissed Her off."
he dropped his smoke down, and crushed it with his shoe. and raised a hand and paced his bloody palm agains my cheek, still gazinginto my eyes.
"i shoudl go. i can't remember anything right now. i think i know you, but. but i don't know. i should go. " he turned away and i watched him walk down the street, watched him as he walked into the sunset. somehow i knew this wasn't the end though.
and this was an entirely correct satori moment. it was a premature hero cliche, adn as the sun burned, he kept walking along, a wound up coil, waiting to spring. but that's also a mistatement. he was not waiting, nor the opposite. adn itwas no surprise, when She walked out of thin air and gave him a look that would have killed a mere mortal.
"i had a mission for you and you broke it. i'm very unhappy with you H."
"i bet. look i can't even recall what the mission was."
"that hasn't stopped you before"
"who was that woman?"
"oh, her? jsut your ex-wife. sorta. you can't marry a dead man, so you can't divorce him either."
"so i'm hunting then."
"hunting?"
"hunting for wabbits. be vewy, vewy quiet."
or rather wabbits were hunting him, for at that moment, a rathe rlarge one erupted out of the tarmac and threw a clenched fist into the groudn where horab was standing. or rather had been standing. he pointed and a fireball erupted from his index finger's tip. and beneath his breath he muttered, "special effcts eff tee double yoo.". the oversized wabbit didn't catch fire tho. instead it's colours inverted themselves and it shook itself from this plane, liek dustmotes beign caught in the sun light. it was dark now, btu still early.
Quote from: SssBella, Oracle of Doom:D Another chapter. Cool.
actually two :) i wasn't feeling where i had been going before, so i revised and broke the story.
Very nice. And the way the earlier chapters were, this break worked out OK. Good job. Will there be more soon? Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease :D
Right on, Horab.
Right on.
Quote from: Horab Fibslagerch 7 - this one's for you.
:P
I love it. It has blood and giant wabbits to hunt. I'd say it's perfect.
ch 8. respect my authority!
i feel into to a burning ring of fire, iw ent down down down and the flames went a higher and it burned burned burned... "i thought you wanted a classic rock station, not country" L commented as he struggled witht he wheel aroudn a croner at 70 mile sper hour.
"yeah but JC is good man, anyways, who are you?" this knocked L unexpectedly adn he almost hit a passing lien of school children and stopped the car. "what?"
"er you msut forgive me, i'm not sure who youa re, or how got here, i was just fighting soem rabbit and margeret was destroying the city and blam, i'm here. i suspect the author is fuckign with me. ormaybe it's Her, but since i was reborn, i do't recall anything of much in teh space between death and then. it's fading ffast. all i can recall is sitting for six eternities in a esert on a lawn chair with a cooler full of beer. i don't even know whymy stomach hurts."
"hold on, you're losing your memory?"
"maybe, i guess, it's mayeb a mattter of states, oen being mutually exclsuive, as move back into godhood, i lose my knowledge of exeprience of humanity and death. it's why i coudln't remember that girl's name.
"what girl?"
"the girl who killed me in teh first place. look where are we going?"
"to the coffee terrorist's lair"
"that sounds awful, i dont' drink coffee"
"youw anted doughnuts."
"do they have burgas? or pot pies?"
"i'm sure they might." L looks dubiosu about this and regarded his passnger who was fiddlign with the radio again.
"hey do you know anyone i might need to rescue? a woman or a girl or soemthign female maybe?"
"well not as i am currently aware, hmm."
"hmm?"
"well maybe, maybe i know someone who can help you"
"well who might that be?"
whatever the answer tthe question is, it was interupted by margert thatcher, 60 feet tall and wailing nuclear fury godzilla style picked up the car and threw it out of her on the way to wherever shewas going. Horab being the sort of carign guy he was, pulled L out of the driver seat and opening the door as the sailed through the air, stepped out into...
tehy called him a scribe and they didn't know why. maybe it was that when he wasn't doing odd things like breaking people's fingers and then shoving them into their eyes, he was writing, but who can be sure in these troubled times. he looked up from his task at his associate an dbrother in arms,a mr stain who who had the odd fetish of talking liek a russian but only soemtimes. "are we go?"
"da, comrade, teh pizzeria is locked down, the troops are ready, we move now.
"good, i've never seen the city so awash with blood, soemthign is happening, who knows what, but we go in, get the package, and get out. our time is now. if we can't save it, tho..." he looked a touch worried about this, his usually neutral expression on his unchrachtersitcally young face marred.
"then we go for broke."
"today is a good day to die"
"da, comrade, for mother russia"
"for eris"
"she doesn't exist"
"so what? niether does russia, anymore. let's go crack soem skulls"
...a room. wtihtables and chairs and people, many dressed oddly fromhorab's estimation. awoman, who seemed at first glance tobe unsually hairy, and at secodn glance to be wearing a cat's head over her own sauntered up to horab, a razor sharp claw springing out of the finger tip she pressed into horab's shoulder. her eyes widened in surprise and she hissssed "imposter" under her breath, steppnig back with all her claws beared now, ready to strike. L postitoned hismelf between them quickly "hey hey hold on now, he's no imposter, he got called back, robrn, right horab?"
"yeah, something like that, is this soemone i should know too?"
the womean who looked liek a cat sniffed at him a moment
"i am offended, you don't know me? of course you know me baby."
"i apologize, my memory..."
"he's having issues or somethign right now."L interupted, "look what the fuck was that, was th at really margaret thatcher spitting nuclear holocaust ?"
"yeah, she's an old nemesis of mine, hard to beat, the authro definitely is fuckign with me.
"author?" teh lady cat asked a questiong look upon her face.
"mal, i dunno, he's been goign on about soemauthor for the last five minutes. is the way clear?"
"it's been a bit muddled lately, the stars are not right, the ley lines are crossed badly. if you want to go, it coudl be dangerous."
"danger is my middle name" horab said absent mindedly looking out thewindows onto the street. people were pouring out ofthebuildings screaming as they flooeded the roadway. soemthign was happening.
"then we should go, quickly, be careful mal, something werid is happening."
"with horab around? no way"
"i fidn your sarcasm comforting, now"
and with that, they softly and slwoly disapeared, at he sound of the amgic words.
Ha!
I see what you mean about ripping off the conclusion of Illuminatus!. But I think you improve on it.
10/10
it may or may not be my current plot device, sinc ei really have no idea who or what horab is sposed to save yet.
and you're giving it a ten cuz you'r ein it. :oops:
No, I'm giving it a 10 for this:
Quote from: The Author"da, comrade, teh pizzeria is locked down, the troops are ready, we move now.
"good, i've never seen the city so awash with blood, soemthign is happening, who knows what, but we go in, get the package, and get out. our time is now. if we can't save it, tho..." he looked a touch worried about this, his usually neutral expression on his unchrachtersitcally young face marred.
"then we go for broke."
"today is a good day to die"
"da, comrade, for mother russia"
"for eris"
"she doesn't exist"
"so what? niether does russia, anymore. let's go crack soem skulls"
really? that's jsut rather bad allusion. pay it no mind. i'll probaly break teh plot again next chapter.
hey anyone wanna be my editor for this story?
wanna illustrate it?
if you're interested in either gimme a pm.
for illsutratiosn i'm lookinf for somethign anime-ish, liek the action scenes of akira, or paper eleven.
minimlaist where he details have impact. you get a fair amount of freedom but i have overall art direction and final say.
on both counts you get full credit for your work, and should it be published to paper, a cut of whatever money i get(unless the publisher does it different than that).
Hey, I'll edit the thing, if you want.
You looking for spelling, grammar, syntax or continuity?
Quote from: LMNOHey, I'll edit the thing, if you want.
You looking for spelling, grammar, syntax or continuity?
meaning, more likely
Quote from: Horab Fibslagerreally? that's jsut rather bad allusion. pay it no mind. i'll probaly break teh plot again next chapter.
If that's a bad allusion, then
LMNO-PI is nothing more than a reacharound to the entire PD Forums.
<stabs titles>
Quote from: LMNOHey, I'll edit the thing, if you want.
You looking for spelling, grammar, syntax or continuity?
all those things. well i want to keep the minimalist aspect to it, i like how it keep sthe reader in teh dark, and it's a big fuck you to all my english teachers thattold me i was a great writer butneeded to elaborate more.
generally spelling grammer, syntax, adding in where i obviously missed words, takling out bits where i repeat myself, replaced reduncdancies(oen of the reasons i dont' use "so and so said" is because it become sextremely redundant in my mind- in the original thud open source project, i used chrachtername: dialogue. this i think is a bit clever and a bit mroe excercise fo rht reader. i don't think it's james joyce taxing either so, it's livable.
also i want to keep teh spontaneity and fluidity of the current form, so no need to work on over all story arc or plot design. i have some ideas where i want to go, and people i want to put in and whatnot, tho suggestions are welcome.
s far as the spelling goes, i want to keep alot of the slang inteact as well. soem fo the grammar goes with that too, but that's probaly the biggest part.
in any case, i haven't actually doen a 2nd person proofreading/editing process ince 7th grade, so you'll have to bear with me(and hte fact that i am making up the story essentially as i write it-not mentioning the obvious.) and i while i like to give you a fairly free riegn in this proces, i prfer if bits thar euh you know like added or whatever are tagged somehow, or dramatically edited so to say. urgh.
\we can even do it here, or in a seperate thread if you'd like, as i'm sure it will be educational in general, and a useful reference for further "openish source" style projects(that's not th eword i'm looking for but it's closest one i can think of. works make sme mentally exhausted enough to be retardedoed.
Gotcha.
I'll cut & paste from the forums into word, edit it, and then pm you the results.
lol i figured it might be as such, and it explains what you did miss(tho not the single lower case 'i' 2 thirds through.
i did a further edit adn sent it back as well as to the finished bin. thanks, i do appreciate it(because seriously i edited it with word the before and this is much, much better)
when i get some free time, I'll do another chapter.
take your time dude. :)
Ah well, if LMNO is planning on doing the editing, that saves me the bother.
I take back my offer of help as noted in the Profane Dog. :p
you are certainkly welcoem to html it up at some point dude.
since it'll be on display at the dog anyway.
and for all those viewers at hom ewho are glued to their tlevision set s in anticipationof another chapter, don't worry, i'll be in with the goods before too long.
ch. 9 into the kitchen of darkness
the lightless abysss of teh void shattered into tall stone columns leering into incalculable heights and ringed by flower beds. Forms lay prostrate agaisnt the stone floor barely illuminated by flickering torches set in candelivers in the the tall stone columns were offset by the lovely lavendar drapes which framed an impossible landscape undreamable by th emaddest of minds. each a scene which defied those laws of reality which any mind - man or god would fear to contemplate.
horab regarded his companion with a questioning look which was returned with a confused one.
"had i known you were bringing me here," horab said while starting forward, " i could've brought us to the front door so we coudl knock."
"here? i uh mean, well this is unusual . er well it's suually the void and very... well, different."
"indeed. well let's say hello then eh?"
"they walke dforward passing corridors which appeared identical to each other, each lined with the figures kneeling protrate as if in worship."
"whoa re they?" LMNO asked?
"who? oh them, uh zombies"
"zombies?"
"yeah man, don't worry tho, they belognto teh zombie queen."
"oh well that's reassuring then."
LMNO did not look reassured whatsoever.
they came to a large oak door banded with metal work and laquered in a ton ewhich subdued the severity of the drapes.
The door spoke then; "will you give us the word?"
"no, no, and maybe next week"
"then you may not pass"
"fuck you man"
a woman's voice spoke then. a voice which carried a regal authority betrayed by a certain softness, as if it coudl penetrate the most hardened of minds.
"no need to be rude horab, come on in."
as the door swung imposingly outward revealing a mixture of modern homeaking conveniences set against the gothic dungeonesque floor plan , horab whispered to his companaion "theatrics" and gave a quick smile.
Before them stood the tyrantess of ages, She who had bled egypt dry, who had soaked babylon in it's own juices, She who sank atlantis, SssBella Oracle of doom, Queen of teh zombie hordes and keeper of mere annihilation held a tray of cookies.
"hey Sssbella sorry we didn't knock, umm er this guy who's name i'm not sure of brought us here a bit differently than i'm used to."
L looked mildly pissed wether at the poor introduction or at recieving teh creit for their method of entry., horab could only guess at, and did not care to presently.
"not a problem, you kno wyou're always welcome here. cookie?"
"i'd love one"
Bella proffered.
"you boys must be thirsty after such a long journey. make yoruselves at home"Horab and LMNO did so on the flower patterned furniture whcih adorned teh chamber.
"why do you remember her name and not mine?" L asked
"well why wouldn't i know it? she's almost as unto a god."
"and that may be why you don't recall his horab, hun" beela said as she palced drinks on coasters fashioned from manacles before them.
"you are moving towards godhood, towards as you were for a time before givign up your flesh. the memory of being dead is for the dead alone."
"well, i suppose that would explain thing then. a little confusing but whatever."
"which brings us to why mr NO has brought you here this afternoon".
"yes, please"
"i don't likel what i see."
"with a view liek this who would?"
L quipped.
"i rather like it. it's quite something"
"so do it, but i can see your point"
horab took a drink and mmm'ed satisfactorily producing a small smile from Bella.
"Doom. Great Doom for us all, horab"
"figures," replied horab wrily.
This is m0ney Horab. Do you intend to put everyone from the forum in? :D :wink:
Also, notice Be-lla's name, its been changed to bella so you might want to figure some way around the weird name changes in place by the forums.
Otherwise, cool, really feeling the atmosphere.
BMW
i guess lucky for me i wrote thi sin pen first then to my notepad, then c+p'ed it eh?
btw, the paper draft of this might be up for grabs. not sure how i'm gonna go about that tho.
adn thx :)
Oooh cool.
I reckon I'll add "tyrantess of the ages" to my list of titles. :D
That's quite an appropriate title, tyrantess.
nobody ever is impressed by the keeping of mere annihilation.
:(
well this episode is a two parter, so stay tuned folks.