So....I've written in the past about my grandmother. She was recently diagnosed with a cancer that her primary careless physician had refused to diagnose. Anyway, I shall not retread on ground well covered. She passed away yesterday morning.
The subject of this rant is platitudes. The usual thing you hear from someone when you tell them a loved one dies is "I'm sorry." Now let me say right away that I understand that a lot of people mean well when they say that and it's just that they don't know what else to say. But I guess I'm of the mind that it's best just not to say anything. But I guess it's just human nature to have to say something.....
But it isn't necessary. As far as I'm concerned I'd rather you not say anything if that's all you can come up with. For example, I informed my boss that I would be taking my 3 days of bereavement leave. He said he "was sorry about my Grandmother." But it was so painfully, obviously, insincere. That is more insulting to me than just not saying anything. I'm not an idiot I know how to read people's voices. Yeah, you know what, it does suck for me especially given the circumstances. But fake and insincere sympathy does not help. And honestly, I don't care if other people care. My sadness and anger for the loss of my grandmother is not going to be lessened or cured by anyone.
Why, in our society, have we become so numb and brainless that we have to be so insipid in our communication? And further why do we feel the need to say something when we can't think of anything to say? In those situations, silence is bliss. I don't want the void to be filled with meaningless drivel and chatter. A hug from someone I love and a shoulder to lean on is all I need. I need my silence and space and would just rather the trite phrases not be uttered at all. No words are going to bring back my grandmother, they are not going to ease the mourning, so with respect all I ask of the world is to let me be and respect my silence. That will do me much more good than some clumsy words.
If it were all about sympathy for you, there would be silence, but it's all about the person who feels uncomfortable about not actually feeling any sympathy, hence the platitudes. Ever notice how weirded out people get about silence? It's pretty funny, actually.
It is funny but it's sad at the same time. Silence is taken for granted in a lot of human society. I know, people feel they need to say something but they don't. My boss didn't have to say anything in condolence but he felt he had to. I was simply telling him i wasn't coming in for the next 3 days and if he had just said okay that would have been perfect. But, then it's foolish of me to expect that I suppose.
Oh hell, I'll be a proper asshole and say it:
"I'm sorry for your loss."
It's okay. Besides silent respect is hard to convey on the internet.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name?It's okay. Besides silent respect is hard to convey on the internet.
So is genuine sympathy, for that matter.
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Thanks.
I don't know if you intended for this to be an entry in the contest, but I have read and scored it anyway.
thank you for your submission.
and while I won't bother with some insipid cookie-cutter sympathy, allow me to offer my commiseration on the circumstances of your grandmother's death, as I had virtually the identical thing happen to mine a few years ago. Mercy Hospital is pretty high on my shit list.
8)
Quote from: Rabid Badger of GodQuote from: Rev. What's-His-Name?It's okay. Besides silent respect is hard to convey on the internet.
So is genuine sympathy, for that matter.
Troof. But I imagine people on this board who truly don't care (disclaimer: not insinuating they should) will not post anything.
Quote from: East Coast HustleI don't know if you intended for this to be an entry in the contest, but I have read and scored it anyway.
thank you for your submission.
and while I won't bother with some insipid cookie-cutter sympathy, allow me to offer my commiseration on the circumstances of your grandmother's death, as I had virtually the identical thing happen to mine a few years ago. Mercy Hospital is pretty high on my shit list.
8)
ditto. Though a plus in their column was I was able to spend the night with my wife after she gave birth to our daughter. I couldn't have done that at Maine Med. Of course the list of minuses is quite long.
And no it wasn't intended as an entry, just needed to vent.
Quote from: Rev. What's-His-Name?
ditto. Though a plus in their column was I was able to spend the night with my wife after she gave birth to our daughter. I couldn't have done that at Maine Med. Of course the list of minuses is quite long.
And no it wasn't intended as an entry, just needed to vent.
At the hospital I gave birth at you can have a fricking party in there if you want. There is a bench for people to sleep on, a TV, VCR, you can play any kind of music you want and have as many people in there as you want. Why people want a whole bunch of people watching them go like this :o :o :o :x :o :o :o :x :o :o :o :x :shock: I have no idea :?
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of AlchemyWhy people want a whole bunch of people watching them go like this :o :o :o :x :o :o :o :x :o :o :o :x :shock: I have no idea
OK, even though I normally can't stand when you abuse the smilies, this was possibly the best use of smilies EVAR.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Them saying they were sorry never bothered me. What else was there
to say? If they didn't say something everyone else would think they
were an asshole. "Why didn't you at least say you were sorry, asshole?"
What made me want to shout "FUCK OFF" in their faces was the "advice"
I would get. You won't get this because it is your grandmother. But when
your spouse dies and you are really, really broken up, people will come
up to you and say, "It'll be better in time. I know it doesn't seem like it
now, but this will pass."
Yes, I know. In time my pain will lessen.
BUT THAT DOESN"T DO ME A FUCKING BIT OF GOOD RIGHT NOW YOU
SHIT! RIGHT NOW IT HURTS LIKE FUCK AND YOUR CONDESCENDING
LITTLE PLATITUDES JUST MAKE IT WORSE BECAUSE WHAT YOU ARE
REALLY SAYING IS "GET OVER IT. YOU ANNOY ME." GET THE HELL AWAY
FROM ME, YOU SCHMUCK.
I feel better now. Time has passed. I have moved on.
Oh, and my condolences, Rev. Just a few little words and doesn't mean
much, I know, because, hey, it's just the internet. But I remember what
your pain is like. And I am sorry you have to go through it, too.
a friend of mine's motehr apssed away quite some time ago. in fact it was one of those events during the great mindfuck that helped me on my way down from that moutain, into teh gaping blackness of the following year.
you see, i didn't know what to say, how to say it. how do i say i'm sorry? that i'm happy your mother is no longer in pain? that i'm sure she's in a better place? i copuldn't say any of that. my grandmother died earlier that year and i was truly relieved for her. she had been in some measure of pain for at least msot of my own life, adn as far as much pain goes,there's only one escape, one inhobitor for it. which is not to say wh was lookign forward to it or any of that, in fact she' was quti elooking forward to seeing me and my cousins and my brother an dsister grow up or finishing growing up as is/was the case. buit even so....
i said nothing. i couldn't say anything. couldn't bring myself to it. and befor elong i coudln't say anything at all. to her, to anyone. it's not the only reason why, but it certainly contributed.
Quote from: Horab Fibslager
i said nothing. i couldn't say anything. couldn't bring myself to it. and befor elong i coudln't say anything at all. to her, to anyone. it's not the only reason why, but it certainly contributed.
You had a period of silence? That intrigues me...
There need to be anti-platitudes.
Then again, just saying something and meaning it might do that job well enough.
Gnimbley's right, you can't logic this away. I could say nothing(and no one) in the universe is truly destroyed, it just changes form, but that means nothing if they've gone somewhere you can't see them anymore.
People just say those things to make themselves feel better about it, because deep down we are all afraid of the last big sleep. So. I don't know.
It takes as long as it takes. I am amazed at how much people expect each other to be like springs bouncing back instantly from the most awful experiences. "Get over it." Sure, that is the kind of thing someone says when they've never gone through that yet. Honor her, do what you have to do.
Quote from: gnimbleyYes, I know. In time my pain will lessen.
BUT THAT DOESN"T DO ME A FUCKING BIT OF GOOD RIGHT NOW YOU
SHIT!
I'll respectfully submit that some folks do need the reminder. It's not hard to find stories of people who killed themselves after significant others died. And if nothing else, if the platitudes piss you off, then you're focusing on me rather than on yourself.
I think another source of platitudes is having to face the fact that there are some things we're truly and utterly powerless against. We have conquered so many other things, it's hard to fathom that there's still something else out there that will inevitably kick our asses when the time is right. So we have to come up with something to do or say to help feel like we're in control of the situation - neener neener, Death, I wanted you to take me all along!
Relatedly, there are some folks who are of the mindset that when something is wrong with someone they care about, they have to do something to fix it and make the person happy again, because that's what love is - when someone's happiness is essential to your own. (Yes, I understand there's a basic flaw in that belief, but it took me thirty years to come to that understanding, and I'm still not all the way there.) For people like that, silence is not an acceptable option because that might be confused with doing nothing, which in turn might be confused with not caring, and that's absolutely unacceptable. I have never felt more powerless than when someone has mentioned the loss of a family member and someone else has beaten me to hugging the person.
Just tryin' to stir up a little sympathy for the proverbial devil here. :)
Quote from: Buddhist_Monk_WannabeQuote from: Horab Fibslager
i said nothing. i couldn't say anything. couldn't bring myself to it. and befor elong i coudln't say anything at all. to her, to anyone. it's not the only reason why, but it certainly contributed.
You had a period of silence? That intrigues me...
not so much. just hardcore reticence.
it sucked.
Yeah. People don't understand sometimes you just don't WANT to talk about it.
So, here I am in Washburn, Maine which for those of you not in the know is 300 miles north of my current homebase in Portland, Maine. Calling hours were tonight. Half the town showed up which was nice. I come from a huge family. You can't live in Washburn and not know the Carmen Clan. It was nice and they made my grandmother look really nice. Though, I couldn't help but think seeing her that even in death she still looked like she was suffering. Very mixed emotions I had. Sad that she is gone. And hot anger for the doctor who screwed her over. But alas she cannot be suffering any longer and I suppose that is the sole solace to take away.
come back down Route 1 on your way back and turn down 175. follow 175 until it goes off to the left, keep going straight on 166. stop at Zeke's Pizzeria and make yourself known and I'll buy you lunch.
8)
Quote from: East Coast Hustlecome back down Route 1 on your way back and turn down 175. follow 175 until it goes off to the left, keep going straight on 166. stop at Zeke's Pizzeria and make yourself known and I'll buy you lunch.
8)
Thanks for the invite but I had to get back right away. Next time the family and I head to Acadia to go camping we'll be sure to drop in for lunch.