Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 01:29:36 am

Title: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 01:29:36 am
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/babblecom/my-wife-is-expecting-twins_b_3141819.html

Quote
I've been doing some spying lately, casually asking friends and acquaintances about their experiences with having twins.

A buddy from college said of the first year: "Think of the worst thing you can imagine. That's what it was like."

An industry contact back from maternity leave said: "I literally couldn't wait to get back to work. Every weekend is way too long."

A former colleague was more blunt: "Twins were always my worst nightmare."

And now it's my and my wife's nightmare; we're expecting twins this August.

To say we're excited would be an exaggeration. More truthfully, we're pissed. And terrified, and angry, and guilty, and regretful. Why regretful? Because we brought this on ourselves. This is what we wanted, so to speak.

We already have a son, and he's wonderful. But my wife and I each have a sibling, and we wanted him to share that experience. We desperately tried to get pregnant for nearly two years, first the natural way, then via several IUIs (intrauterine inseminations). But getting pregnant when you're both pushing 40 is sort of like trying to blow up the Death Star; it's possible, but you need the perfect shot. Each month we checked my wife's fertility; had forced, dispassionate, purely functional sex; and struck out. It hurt worse every time and caused us both to become more jaded than ever. It affected our relationship, and not in a "this-will-bring-us-closer-than-ever" kind of way.

Each IUI (and we tried three or four) was even worse. Oh, how I miss the cup sex and rushing to the fertility clinic, knowing that I probably wasn't the only one on the subway carrying a jar of semen in my bag. (I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

And then came the decision to try IVF (in vitro fertilization). Given our ages, we knew the odds were only one in four. And with each shot costing like $10,000, we knew this was money that wasn't going to go toward our house, the kids' college fund, or any other future plans. We also knew each failed attempt would add more cracks in the foundation of our relationship.

Thankfully, we nailed it on the first try. But while we were hoping for one girl, instead we got two boys. My initial reaction was full of disappointment, anger, fear, and guilt. My wife, who had been dreading the possibility of twins for weeks, took it worse. In her mind, this was her fault, since she'd encouraged the fertility doctors to put in two embryos to stack the deck.

As horrible as this might sound, we found ourselves wishing these twins away.

We considered a reduction for about 30 seconds. (That's essentially an abortion of one twin, not both.) If you thought that IVF involved playing God, a reduction felt beyond brazen -- Machiavellian, even. Give us a reason, we thought, as we had the twins tested for genetic anomalies. None came.

Two blessings, two bundles of joy. How could you not be happy, you ask? Of course I'm sympathetic to people who can't get pregnant, or who spend a couple of years trying IVF after IVF. But having kids is a selfish endeavor, and in these cases it's all very relative and highly personal. In our case, my wife and I know better than to think that life with three children is going to be perfect.

When our first son was born, I was na´ve. I remember thinking it was going to be nice to be home for a while and have some time off. I couldn't have been more wrong. Those first six weeks were brutal. Then the colic arrived. Two months later, we were shattered, frazzled, damaged. Two years later, our son was still waking up for hours on end in the middle of the night. Three years later, we still struggle mightily with a boy who's fiercely strong-willed and seems to inherently know that crying pushes our buttons.

Our fear is not the new parent fear of the unknown. It's the smart, informed fear of the known. Our biggest nightmare is that we'll have colic again, or double colic. This time around, we're counting down -- not like expecting parents but like cancer patients with only months to live. Enjoy life while you can, for soon it's double the diapers, double the feedings. Half of zero sleep is ... less than zero?

So tell me how this isn't going to suck. (Did I mention we live in a one-bedroom apartment?) Sure, in 10 years I could have close to a starting five of super-athletic, NBA-hopeful alpha males living under my roof smelling up the joint. But right now it's hard for us to see twins as good news.

I'm trying not to be so bitter and to embrace what's ahead of us. It's possible these kids will sleep at some point, I suppose. In the meantime, I've promised to stop referring to one of the boys as "extra" and have told my wife I will try to refrain from calling my first-born son "the free one."

With four months left to go, I'm not sure what stage we're in at the moment -- but it's not acceptance. My wife and I even both privately admitted that we don't like the new children, which is of course insane. Excited? We're not there yet. Terrified? Yes, when we're not practicing denial.

They say the most important thing is the kids' health -- but what about ours?


I think these people missed the punchline.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Johnny on May 01, 2013, 01:36:59 am

Rather than the 1st world aspect, is how they had this fantasy about specifically having a girl and how the reality of having two boys is a "nightmare". Its like they are speaking of pets or something.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 01:43:26 am
Wow, I hate those people.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 01:51:02 am
Dunno.  Twins are a chore.

Suu posted this on FB, and the immediate reaction of 90% of the people was "what an asshole that man is", having not bothered to even read the thumbnail blurb that states the woman was equally horrified.

First world problems are first world.  The REALLY assholish part of this is they put it on the interbutts.  I wonder if their twins will one day read it?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 01:55:37 am
Dunno.  Twins are a chore.

Suu posted this on FB, and the immediate reaction of 90% of the people was "what an asshole that man is", having not bothered to even read the thumbnail blurb that states the woman was equally horrified.

First world problems are first world.  The REALLY assholish part of this is they put it on the interbutts.  I wonder if their twins will one day read it?

Hence why I just let you take that one. You could tell people weren't reading anything other than, "OMFG THE DAD WROTE THIS AND HE IS A DOUCHE." When he said, several times, that both him and his wife felt this way.

...And putting this on the internet was indeed, a dick move. I understand it's easy to feel all sorts of scared stupid with these sorts of things, but posting it on a news site is a way, imo, to fish for comments and pretty much start a flame war.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 01:59:51 am
She's not the one who wrote it, and he may report what he thinks she's feeling but there's no point in responding to that because she's not the one saying she feels that way.

I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on May 01, 2013, 02:11:04 am
Gonna go out on a limb here . . . but they can always put one up for adoption or abort it or whatever. Shit, put both of them up for adoption and try again. I dunno. They're already going off the deep end with the angst, might as well take it to the wall.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 02:14:06 am
Or they could get therapy.

Having kids isn't for sissies.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on May 01, 2013, 02:18:07 am
Or they could get therapy.

Having kids isn't for sissies.

This is a true thing. OR!! They could do what my brothers did - get their parents to raise their kids while they fuck off screwing anything that moves and getting blindingly drunk so they can crash their Dodge Ram pick-up trucks into historical landmarks for shits and giggles.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Pergamos on May 01, 2013, 02:20:18 am
Or they could get therapy.

Having kids isn't for sissies.

This is a true thing. OR!! They could do what my brothers did - get their parents to raise their kids while they fuck off screwing anything that moves and getting blindingly drunk so they can crash their Dodge Ram pick-up trucks into historical landmarks for shits and giggles.

I dunno, they're in their 40's, I doubt mom and dad are up for raising any more kids.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on May 01, 2013, 02:21:04 am
Or they could get therapy.

Having kids isn't for sissies.

This is a true thing. OR!! They could do what my brothers did - get their parents to raise their kids while they fuck off screwing anything that moves and getting blindingly drunk so they can crash their Dodge Ram pick-up trucks into historical landmarks for shits and giggles.

I dunno, they're in their 40's, I doubt mom and dad are up for raising any more kids.

There is that.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 02:31:09 am
I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).

I also got a kick out of the part where they basically say their first born is a little shithead too.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on May 01, 2013, 02:40:56 am
I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).

I also got a kick out of the part where they basically say their first born is a little shithead too.

It's basic math. 100% shithead x 100% shithead = 100% shithead. Unless they used donor sperm or eggs or whatever then the twins are both gonna be little shitheads. 'Decent' is a recessive trait that both parents must possess in order to be passed down . . .
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Eve on May 01, 2013, 03:36:39 am
I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).

I also got a kick out of the part where they basically say their first born is a little shithead too.

That's what hit me most about this. They clearly don't have fond memories of parenting their existing child, so why the desire for more to begin with? Just to provide apparently annoying (but now wonderful?) offspring #1 with a sibling?  :?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Johnny on May 01, 2013, 03:42:43 am
I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).

I also got a kick out of the part where they basically say their first born is a little shithead too.

That's what hit me most about this. They clearly don't have fond memories of parenting their existing child, so why the desire for more to begin with? Just to provide apparently annoying (but now wonderful?) offspring #1 with a sibling?  :?

Its all sacrifice, burden and baww for them, it was all a gift gone awry for their 1st born; its all their 1st born's fault, he made them do it, they had no responsability or say in the matter.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 03:46:32 am
I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).

I also got a kick out of the part where they basically say their first born is a little shithead too.

That's what hit me most about this. They clearly don't have fond memories of parenting their existing child, so why the desire for more to begin with? Just to provide apparently annoying (but now wonderful?) offspring #1 with a sibling?  :?

Its all sacrifice, burden and baww for them, it was all a gift gone awry for their 1st born; its all their 1st born's fault, he made them do it, they had no responsability or say in the matter.

It seriously sounds like they did it for their son, because "they had siblings." Hell, my mom had my brother so I could have a sibling also, but he was WANTED. He was planned for and loved. These parents already stated they don't love these unborn twins. They make parenting sound like a burden, a terrible fucking burden, and are using other people's opinions of it BEING a burden to back up their claims.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 01, 2013, 03:53:23 am
They're also spoiled sacks of shit because:

Quote
Our biggest nightmare is that we'll have colic again, or double colic.

Wanna trade lives with, I dunno...JUST ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 03:57:53 am
They're also spoiled sacks of shit because:

Quote
Our biggest nightmare is that we'll have colic again, or double colic.

Wanna trade lives with, I dunno...JUST ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET?

Not birth defects. Not premature birth or weight issues that is common with twins. No. Colic. A crying baby that keeps you up at night, because that's not going to happen, anyway. No.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 03:58:41 am
What I love is that they hate kids so much, they bankrupted themselves to have more at 40.

 :lulz:
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 03:59:13 am
IF WE HAVE KIDS AGAIN, WE'LL BE YOUNG AGAIN!
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 03:59:31 am
Children in place of the red Miata.  HO HO HO!
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 04:00:48 am
What I love is that they hate kids so much, they bankrupted themselves to have more at 40.

 :lulz:

WE SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TO GET PREGNANT SO OUR SPOILED SON WHO WE HATED TAKING CARE OF AS A BABY CAN HAVE A SISTER, AND SOMEHOW GOT TWIN BOYS WE DON'T WANT. FUCK YOU ALL, OUR LIVES SUCK NOW BECAUSE OF BABIES.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Eve on May 01, 2013, 04:01:54 am
I just think they're spoiled sacks of shit because they went to great lengths and expense to have more children than the one they already have, and now they're crying because they didn't get the girl they wanted, they got twin boys and it cost the $30k and boohooo they live in a one-bedroom apartment (maybe shoulda thought of that before you decided to spend $30k on in vitro, eh douches?).

I also got a kick out of the part where they basically say their first born is a little shithead too.

That's what hit me most about this. They clearly don't have fond memories of parenting their existing child, so why the desire for more to begin with? Just to provide apparently annoying (but now wonderful?) offspring #1 with a sibling?  :?

Its all sacrifice, burden and baww for them, it was all a gift gone awry for their 1st born; its all their 1st born's fault, he made them do it, they had no responsability or say in the matter.

It seriously sounds like they did it for their son, because "they had siblings." Hell, my mom had my brother so I could have a sibling also, but he was WANTED. He was planned for and loved. These parents already stated they don't love these unborn twins. They make parenting sound like a burden, a terrible fucking burden, and are using other people's opinions of it BEING a burden to back up their claims.

My dad told me he was really worried right before I was born that he wouldn't be able to love me because he loved my brother so much and just didn't know how he could possibly have room for any more love. Of course the fact that he worried about it at all separates him out from these parents, so there's that.

I can only imagine that these two will resent the twins when they inevitably act as newborn babies do. Then they'll resent the older brother for "making" them have more kids. Hope the extended families have therapists on call.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Eve on May 01, 2013, 04:03:32 am
What I love is that they hate kids so much, they bankrupted themselves to have more at 40.

 :lulz:

WE SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TO GET PREGNANT SO OUR SPOILED SON WHO WE HATED TAKING CARE OF AS A BABY CAN HAVE A SISTER, AND SOMEHOW GOT TWIN BOYS WE DON'T WANT. FUCK YOU ALL, OUR LIVES SUCK NOW BECAUSE OF BABIES.

Should've gone for a puppy.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 04:12:32 am
I just figured all of this out.

They wanted the fertility treatments to make her pregnant with 10 sprogs. Hello reality TV, hello AmericanTM Dream!

I mean think about it: One room apartment, paying for these IVFs...come on. There's a setup, here. They need the cash, why not just overbreed, with SCIENCE, to get their asses on TLC and replacing the Duggars?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 01, 2013, 04:27:25 am
She aspired to Clown Car Vagina?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on May 01, 2013, 06:08:10 am
Idk. I mean, neither one of my kids was "planned" as such. They just happened, because we weren't actively making them not happen. But I've never had a moment where I regret them... even though I might wish I had more time, more money, more quiet or whatever. So I don't think you have to plan out a perfect life to be prepared for kids. You just have to not be complete goddamn wastes like the people in the OP apparently are. If you give a shit about your kids, they will easily provide all the motivation you need to provide and care for them, just by being there and being yours. If you don't give a shit about your kids, I don't see how any amount of planning could make the slightest bit of difference.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 06:19:56 am
I know I didn't want twins. I'm glad I didn't have twins. But fucking hell, if I'd had twins I would have done what everyone else who has twins does, which is to go "Oh, I guess this is what I'm doing now" and enjoyed it for what it was.

These fuckers had IVF, they chose to have two embryos implanted, yeah they could have lost one but they wanted to up the odds and now they have twins coming. THESE AREN'T EVEN SINGLE MOM SURPRISE TWINS, which I could see being kinda freaked out over. These are WE HAD THE EMBRYOS PLANTED twins.

The "we don't even like these babies" line made me hope they get hit by a bus. What is wrong with them? They tried for a long time to get pregnant and now they "don't like" their unborn progeny.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Johnny on May 01, 2013, 06:29:27 am

If they were in China, they would be bursting with joy on having male rather than female progeny.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on May 01, 2013, 07:56:42 am
Quote
Three years later, we still struggle mightily with a boy who's fiercely strong-willed and seems to inherently know that crying pushes our buttons.

NO SHIT? :lulz: Well isn't that just a big fat fucking surprise!
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on May 01, 2013, 02:30:30 pm
Well, that wrapped up in a neat little package everything I hate about people who feel the need to judge couples for having kids in their 20s.

Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cain on May 01, 2013, 04:14:47 pm
They write for the Huffington Post.

Of course they're douchebags.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on May 01, 2013, 04:23:15 pm
Quote
*Editor's note: This dad wishes to remain anonymous, so we've published this piece under a pen name.
anonymous author?
i call troll.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 04:33:35 pm
Quote
*Editor's note: This dad wishes to remain anonymous, so we've published this piece under a pen name.
anonymous author?
i call troll.

I think Ippy might be onto something.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Hoopla! on May 01, 2013, 04:41:25 pm
I haven't read most of the comments in this thread, so forgive me if this comment has been thoroughly danced all over like a mexican sombrero (are there sombreros which aren't mexican?  Is that a real poncho, or is that a Sears poncho?).  But, I found this comment to be the key to the entire rant:

Quote
(I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

So instead of thinking of Grover, like the rest of us, he's wanking to mental images of a house in the suburb.

And, Nigel's right, we don't know what the wife is actually like, since she didn't write this piece, but... she married the piece of shit, so I would imagine she's as big a wiener as he is.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 05:03:09 pm
I haven't read most of the comments in this thread, so forgive me if this comment has been thoroughly danced all over like a mexican sombrero (are there sombreros which aren't mexican?  Is that a real poncho, or is that a Sears poncho?).  But, I found this comment to be the key to the entire rant:

Quote
(I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

So instead of thinking of Grover, like the rest of us, he's wanking to mental images of a house in the suburb.

And, Nigel's right, we don't know what the wife is actually like, since she didn't write this piece, but... she married the piece of shit, so I would imagine she's as big a wiener as he is.

I'm not quite ready to go that far, because I married an enormous douche and stayed with him for seven years. He was charming at first, and then I'd made a commitment and was going to stick with it, and then we had a baby, etc. etc.

He would TOTALLY go around misrepresenting my thoughts and feelings. For a while there I did a lot of cleanup around that, basically following him around saying "PEZ SPEAKS ONLY FOR HIMSELF AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE NIGEL HOUSEHOLD". Then we split up and I kept all our friends.

I'm not saying that's what's going on here, they could both be as douchey as the author is, but there is insufficient evidence to conclude that anyone other than the author is as douchey as he is.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Hoopla! on May 01, 2013, 05:09:13 pm
I haven't read most of the comments in this thread, so forgive me if this comment has been thoroughly danced all over like a mexican sombrero (are there sombreros which aren't mexican?  Is that a real poncho, or is that a Sears poncho?).  But, I found this comment to be the key to the entire rant:

Quote
(I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

So instead of thinking of Grover, like the rest of us, he's wanking to mental images of a house in the suburb.

And, Nigel's right, we don't know what the wife is actually like, since she didn't write this piece, but... she married the piece of shit, so I would imagine she's as big a wiener as he is.

I'm not quite ready to go that far, because I married an enormous douche and stayed with him for seven years. He was charming at first, and then I'd made a commitment and was going to stick with it, and then we had a baby, etc. etc.

He would TOTALLY go around misrepresenting my thoughts and feelings. For a while there I did a lot of cleanup around that, basically following him around saying "PEZ SPEAKS ONLY FOR HIMSELF AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE NIGEL HOUSEHOLD". Then we split up and I kept all our friends.

I'm not saying that's what's going on here, they could both be as douchey as the author is, but there is insufficient evidence to conclude that anyone other than the author is as douchey as he is.

I find it highly unlikely this turd was ever charming. 
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cuddlefish on May 01, 2013, 05:20:11 pm
I haven't read most of the comments in this thread, so forgive me if this comment has been thoroughly danced all over like a mexican sombrero (are there sombreros which aren't mexican?  Is that a real poncho, or is that a Sears poncho?).  But, I found this comment to be the key to the entire rant:

Quote
(I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

So instead of thinking of Grover, like the rest of us, he's wanking to mental images of a house in the suburb.

And, Nigel's right, we don't know what the wife is actually like, since she didn't write this piece, but... she married the piece of shit, so I would imagine she's as big a wiener as he is.

I'm not quite ready to go that far, because I married an enormous douche and stayed with him for seven years. He was charming at first, and then I'd made a commitment and was going to stick with it, and then we had a baby, etc. etc.

He would TOTALLY go around misrepresenting my thoughts and feelings. For a while there I did a lot of cleanup around that, basically following him around saying "PEZ SPEAKS ONLY FOR HIMSELF AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE NIGEL HOUSEHOLD". Then we split up and I kept all our friends.

I'm not saying that's what's going on here, they could both be as douchey as the author is, but there is insufficient evidence to conclude that anyone other than the author is as douchey as he is.

I find it highly unlikely this turd was ever charming.

Charm probably has little to do with it.

F'rinstance, you wouldn't just step in a turd on purpose.
But if someone bagged it up and set it on fire, you might be distracted or dazzled enough to do so.
And that's the thing with shit, yeah? It sticks in all the treads on your shoe, and it's not always easy to get the stink off.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 05:23:46 pm
I haven't read most of the comments in this thread, so forgive me if this comment has been thoroughly danced all over like a mexican sombrero (are there sombreros which aren't mexican?  Is that a real poncho, or is that a Sears poncho?).  But, I found this comment to be the key to the entire rant:

Quote
(I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

So instead of thinking of Grover, like the rest of us, he's wanking to mental images of a house in the suburb.

And, Nigel's right, we don't know what the wife is actually like, since she didn't write this piece, but... she married the piece of shit, so I would imagine she's as big a wiener as he is.

I'm not quite ready to go that far, because I married an enormous douche and stayed with him for seven years. He was charming at first, and then I'd made a commitment and was going to stick with it, and then we had a baby, etc. etc.

He would TOTALLY go around misrepresenting my thoughts and feelings. For a while there I did a lot of cleanup around that, basically following him around saying "PEZ SPEAKS ONLY FOR HIMSELF AND DOES NOT REPRESENT THE VIEWS OF THE NIGEL HOUSEHOLD". Then we split up and I kept all our friends.

I'm not saying that's what's going on here, they could both be as douchey as the author is, but there is insufficient evidence to conclude that anyone other than the author is as douchey as he is.

I find it highly unlikely this turd was ever charming.

What evidence are you basing that on? Gut feeling? Lots of assholes are charming at first.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 05:24:27 pm
Or, maybe everyone who marries an asshole is themselves also an asshole, and deserves it.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:25:01 pm
There's the additional possibility that they're both dismal assholes.  People like that do occasionally find each other.

But they usually move to Oro Valley.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:25:59 pm
Or, maybe everyone who marries an asshole is themselves also an asshole, and deserves it.

Some do.  I have met married couples who were both assholes.  We don't have enough information in this case, though, just this guy's say-so.

Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 05:26:29 pm
I REALLY have negative feelings about how this thread has veered so heavily towards WELL WHY AREN'T WE HATING ON THAT WOMAN, SHE PROBABLY DESERVES IT TOO, despite the fact that A. we haven't heard from her, and B. it's not really relevant to whether what HE wrote is fucked up and douchey.

But please, don't let me distract you. By all means get back to THAT FUCKING SLUT, SHE MUST BE A CUNT IF SHE'S KNOCKED UP BY SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:28:35 pm
I REALLY have negative feelings about how this thread has veered so heavily towards WELL WHY AREN'T WE HATING ON THAT WOMAN, SHE PROBABLY DESERVES IT TOO, despite the fact that A. we haven't heard from her, and B. it's not really relevant to whether what HE wrote is fucked up and douchey.

But please, don't let me distract you. By all means get back to THAT FUCKING SLUT, SHE MUST BE A CUNT IF SHE'S KNOCKED UP BY SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

I wasn't saying that.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on May 01, 2013, 05:28:48 pm
i'm still sticking with troll.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:29:45 pm
i'm still sticking with troll.

If so, he is the world champion.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 05:29:48 pm
Or, maybe everyone who marries an asshole is themselves also an asshole, and deserves it.

Some do.  I have met married couples who were both assholes.  We don't have enough information in this case, though, just this guy's say-so.

Exactly this. She's simply not a firsthand player in this story, just someone else's character. There's no valid reason to hate on her, other than by proxy through the guy who clearly IS an asshole, because she has no voice in this story.

And I love how there are even people hating on the poor fucking KID that they already have. WTF is wrong with people.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:32:15 pm
Or, maybe everyone who marries an asshole is themselves also an asshole, and deserves it.

Some do.  I have met married couples who were both assholes.  We don't have enough information in this case, though, just this guy's say-so.

Exactly this. She's simply not a firsthand player in this story, just someone else's character. There's no valid reason to hate on her, other than by proxy through the guy who clearly IS an asshole, because she has no voice in this story.

And I love how there are even people hating on the poor fucking KID that they already have. WTF is wrong with people.

I'm not really hating on either of them.  The guy is just your average American pay'bucker, and I feel really bad for his kid, and for his kids on the way.  Not because he's a shitneck or she's a shitneck or whatever, but because this man is singularly unequipped to deal with children in any respect, and now there's twins...Which are extremely difficult when the parents ARE equipped.

Whomever was hating on the kid, though, needs to punch themselves in the junk.  Right now.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:33:12 pm
It's basically a self-managed freak show.  And, needless to say, the rubes are lining up to gawk and sneer.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 05:37:33 pm
i'm still sticking with troll.

Now I want to write a douchey troll for HuffPost, damnit.  :argh!:
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 05:40:05 pm
Also, this is neither the biggest nor douchiest 1st world problem.

THIS is:

http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/100735-bp-ceo-id-like-my-life-back

Quote
That came when he was asked by reporters about how he would respond to residents of Louisiana.

"The first thing to say is 'I'm sorry,'" Hayward said. "We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 01, 2013, 05:45:28 pm
Also, this is neither the biggest nor douchiest 1st world problem.

THIS is:

http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/100735-bp-ceo-id-like-my-life-back

Quote
That came when he was asked by reporters about how he would respond to residents of Louisiana.

"The first thing to say is 'I'm sorry,'" Hayward said. "We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

 :jumper:
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 05:54:26 pm
I remember when he said that. I was in Florida at the time and I thought my brother was going to jump through the television at him.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Hoopla! on May 01, 2013, 06:12:27 pm
Can we get back to discussing why this clown is masturbating to architecture?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Elder Iptuous on May 01, 2013, 06:15:03 pm
Can we get back to discussing why this clown is masturbating to architecture?
sexy butresses?
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Hoopla! on May 01, 2013, 06:17:41 pm
Can we get back to discussing why this clown is masturbating to architecture?
sexy butresses?

Tantalizing examples may sway me toward your cause...
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2013, 06:18:37 pm
Can we get back to discussing why this clown is masturbating to architecture?
sexy butresses?

Lol, you said buttress.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on May 01, 2013, 06:20:24 pm
Also, this is neither the biggest nor douchiest 1st world problem.

THIS is:

http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/100735-bp-ceo-id-like-my-life-back

Quote
That came when he was asked by reporters about how he would respond to residents of Louisiana.

"The first thing to say is 'I'm sorry,'" Hayward said. "We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

Oh, wow.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on May 01, 2013, 06:29:42 pm
Also, this is neither the biggest nor douchiest 1st world problem.

THIS is:

http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/100735-bp-ceo-id-like-my-life-back

Quote
That came when he was asked by reporters about how he would respond to residents of Louisiana.

"The first thing to say is 'I'm sorry,'" Hayward said. "We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

Your razor-sharp memory for this kind of shit helps myopic dorks like me keep perspective.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on May 01, 2013, 07:31:06 pm
Also, this is neither the biggest nor douchiest 1st world problem.

THIS is:

http://thehill.com/blogs/e2-wire/e2-wire/100735-bp-ceo-id-like-my-life-back

Quote
That came when he was asked by reporters about how he would respond to residents of Louisiana.

"The first thing to say is 'I'm sorry,'" Hayward said. "We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

Your razor-sharp memory for this kind of shit helps myopic dorks like me keep perspective.

I never forget a DUMBASS.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 01, 2013, 08:52:58 pm
I REALLY have negative feelings about how this thread has veered so heavily towards WELL WHY AREN'T WE HATING ON THAT WOMAN, SHE PROBABLY DESERVES IT TOO, despite the fact that A. we haven't heard from her, and B. it's not really relevant to whether what HE wrote is fucked up and douchey.

But please, don't let me distract you. By all means get back to THAT FUCKING SLUT, SHE MUST BE A CUNT IF SHE'S KNOCKED UP BY SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Having just entered the thread, it does seem as though you're overreacting a touch.

Yeah, he's DEFINITELY a douche. And maybe she isn't, but she probably is just by virtue of being 1) a human and 2) married to some dickwit who writes for HuffPo and jerks off to visions of suburbia.

But if it were two married guys, I'd be saying the same thing and I suspect everyone else here would be too. I don't think it has anything to do with gender issues.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 01, 2013, 08:55:17 pm
Aaaaaaand....

having caught up, I feel retarded for even commenting on it after being reminded of that BP quote. :lulz:
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on May 01, 2013, 09:04:20 pm
Eh, it's still some grade A douchebaggery. Not because parents shouldn't be allowed to blow off steam once in a while, or heavens forbid wonder if they made the right decisions, but because the entire tone of the piece is indicative of some seriously screwed up thinking.
Title: Re: The biggest, douchiest, first world problem you will ever read.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 01, 2013, 09:39:25 pm
Going by what he says, she's a douche, but yeah, he could be lying too. Nothing he wrote makes him look like anything but a dick.