Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Principia Discussion => Topic started by: Lindas on December 21, 2013, 05:24:54 am

Title: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Lindas on December 21, 2013, 05:24:54 am
Order your cheap private security force from http://www.himeobs.com/orbitalplatforms.html, free shipping and quality assurance.
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with Callaway RAZR X Irons?
Post by: Reginald Ret on December 21, 2013, 12:41:37 pm
Get AIDS.
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 21, 2013, 05:25:38 pm
Dear Sir,

Intrigued by your claims, I purchased a HIMEOBS Orbital PlatformTM and upgraded to the DELUXE SUPER SECURE SECURITY FORCE. My purchase arrived swiftly and without error in the order. However, my security force is extremely surly and insists on watching porn 24/7 instead of actually providing security. I know because with the deluxe package I'm given copy of the daily report log. Almost every entry is "surfed 4chan for hentai" and "bearforce1 fanfiction competition during mess, Slovale one again!" In addition, the amount of trash they leave behind is horrific.

I have been billed for a space-faring cleaning service as per the contract and the deluxe package also provides me with an itemized bill of services rendered. And let me tell you, having 'man-spunk' cleaned out of the air filtration systems with a hose and bleach is apparently both extremely disgusting and hazardous to the health of the cleaners. This doesn't even begin to disclose the horror that the cleaning crew has endured. Did you know that clumps of back hair clog everything in space? Not just drains? Ventilation is only the beginning. Written on the back of my itemized bill was the note "It's like battling a quicker-reproducing and decidedly more greasy sort of Tribble made out of steel wool."

In conclusion, while I was initially very taken with the idea of my own CHEAP PRIVATE SECURITY FORCE, it has turned out to be anything but cheap or private or secure. I have spent more in one month on cleaning bills and pork rinds than I did for the initial purchase of the orbital platform with deluxe package.

Thus I am very dissatisfied. Please tell me how to initiate the return and refund process for this item in a way that does not involve the vaporization of my house or being doused in gallons of greasy Tribbles carried from the station by one of those remote control drones I paid extra for. Yes, I have been threatened with such if I terminate services.

Sincerely,

A disgruntled customer.
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: LMNO on December 21, 2013, 06:22:08 pm
CPD wins everything forever.
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on December 21, 2013, 07:06:57 pm
What is even happening in this thread
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Pæs on December 21, 2013, 08:35:44 pm
Whatever you do, CPD, if you find yourself in a situation where you require the assistance of your HIMEOBS security force, DO NOT authorise your unit to engage the threat in the Salazorian Battle Formation, no matter how strongly they recommend it... and they WILL recommend it.

I've heard it described as a combination between a human pyramid and a human centipede. Horrible, horrible.
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Payne on December 21, 2013, 09:09:29 pm
The Winner Takes it ALL! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92cwKCU8Z5c)

P.S. The Winner Is Cain
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on December 21, 2013, 09:14:01 pm
Whatever you do, CPD, if you find yourself in a situation where you require the assistance of your HIMEOBS security force, DO NOT authorise your unit to engage the threat in the Salazorian Battle Formation, no matter how strongly they recommend it... and they WILL recommend it.

I've heard it described as a combination between a human pyramid and a human centipede. Horrible, horrible.

I can't even get my security force to quit upper decking their own toilets.  :horrormirth: A fight with those fucking Salazorians would have the entire upper atmosphere declared a biohazard. AND I'D BE BILLED FOR IT!!!!! The UN would hire fucking BP and FEMA to handle the space-side clean-up. And while the reek of Dawn dish soap would be a nice change from HIMEOBS BURRITO-FLECKED SHIT STENCH, I don't think the world would thank me for it. And then all the damages from the falling shit-nugget/Salazorian meteors . . .

All I wanted was my neighbor to stop letting her fucking poodle shit on my lawn.  :horrormirth:

THIS IS NOT THE SECURITYTM AND FREEDOMTM I ASKED FOR!
Title: Re: Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?
Post by: Payne on December 21, 2013, 09:44:06 pm
Whatever you do, CPD, if you find yourself in a situation where you require the assistance of your HIMEOBS security force, DO NOT authorise your unit to engage the threat in the Salazorian Battle Formation, no matter how strongly they recommend it... and they WILL recommend it.

I've heard it described as a combination between a human pyramid and a human centipede. Horrible, horrible.

I can't even get my security force to quit upper decking their own toilets.  :horrormirth: A fight with those fucking Salazorians would have the entire upper atmosphere declared a biohazard. AND I'D BE BILLED FOR IT!!!!! The UN would hire fucking BP and FEMA to handle the space-side clean-up. And while the reek of Dawn dish soap would be a nice change from HIMEOBS BURRITO-FLECKED SHIT STENCH, I don't think the world would thank me for it. And then all the damages from the falling shit-nugget/Salazorian meteors . . .

All I wanted was my neighbor to stop letting her fucking poodle shit on my lawn.  :horrormirth:

THIS IS NOT THE SECURITYTM AND FREEDOMTM I ASKED FOR!

 :lulz: