Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: Doktor Howl on November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 am

Title: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 am
Sep. 4
A quote from an email my boss sent me:
"You reek of non-compliance."

Sep. 11
Things I said in conversation today:
1. How much for just 13 megawatt hours?
2. There is no dancing in the 13,800 VAC cable room. Why do I even have to say this?
3. This is like watching the Titanic back up for another run at the iceberg.
4. All this needs to be perfect is 10 pounds of glitter fished out of raver ass crack.

Sep. 13
Today I drove home at 5 MPH slower than the speed limit in the left lane, with my right turn signal on the entire time.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, so don't ask.

Sep. 13
Things I said at work today:
1. "We're going to do great things. For bad people."
2. "Budgets are for people who worry about budgets."
 
Sep. 14
Things I said at work today:
1. "If you stick that in there, you probably won't get it back."
2. "He's Jesus the Son of Man, not Jesus the IT guy. Fuck's sake."
3. If the Thai place outside of the facility closes, one of you has to die."

Sep. 15
Things I said at work today:
1. "Okay, no, you're right. The magical maintenance fairy will come along and fix that shit for free. No worries."
2. "Yes, actually I DO have to be a smartass."
3. "Does being realistic make my ass look big?"

Sep. 18
Our religious nut engineer is apparently a genius. He waits til the technicians solve a problem, then investigates it, writes up the solution the techs found, and presents it as "solved". The only reason he's still got all his limbs is that he does in fact credit the techs, if you read the footnotes and squint really hard.
Sep. 21

Things I said at work today:
1. (In the morning staff meeting) "According to physics, work done is a net result. If you carry a 50 pound block up the stairs, then take it back down the stairs, you have done no work. Think about that while you do the same wrong-headed, tired-ass shit you have done for the last 6 months."

2. (To the new database admin lady) "If you see the engineer crying in his office, don't get too concerned. He's a bad person and whatever happened to him is probably well-deserved."

3. (To Billy) "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."

Sep. 22
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "I have added you to the safety committee, Billy. This is a position of great trust, and I expect you to shine. Just remember, the one who leaves the meeting with the most 'action items' wins."
(To My boss) "Yes, I just did that to Billy. But he has to LEARN. Right down in his bones. The fact that he believed that it was a position of great trust means that he has loads of learning to do."

Sep. 26
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "See that contractor technician working on that chiller? See how hard he works? I knew him back in 2005, and he was a tech back then, working just as hard. 12 years later, he's still a tech, still working hard. He will work hard his entire life and he will still be a tech."
(To one of my electricians, later on at the staff meeting) "You should work harder. It will take you farther in life."
(To Billy): "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Sep. 27
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "Yes, I did do that. You see, Billy, it's just us against entropy, really. Nobody else on the planet is even LOOKING at this mess, so it's up to us. Arguably, I didn't have a choice...Because how do you fight entropy? With monstrous deeds. Besides, I won't be lectured on morality by a guy who ran over someone's tiny home, so zip it."

Sep. 28
(Speech to working group today. Never ask me to give a speech.)
"Good morning. I am about to say impolite things.
But we are not here to be polite. We are not here to keep the customer happy. The customers hate us, and that is right and proper. The customers are seven and a half billion monkeys that insist on smoking three packs of cigarettes a day for thirty years, and we are the societal equivalent of an oncologist. We present solutions that *might* save them, but it will be very painful and we will charge them a lot of money.
The world of commerce is strange and terrible, and so I don't want you to think about commerce. I want you to think about pseudomonas and plastic microfibers in the tap water. I want you to think about sanitation overload. I want you to think about too much water everywhere, and none of it fit to drink. Commerce is a social fiction; cholera is real.
I am here to tell you today that government is not the solution. The market is not the solution. I am here to tell you that there *is no solution*, because those cancer monkeys will take the medicine we give them, and go on smoking cigarettes. Because people are stupid, and organized groups of stupid humans are just organized, efficient stupidity.
Which brings up another point: I do not want to see "efficiency" stinking up my facility. Efficiency is for people with diploma-mill MBAs, libertarians, and other parasites. Efficiency has never solved a problem in the entire history of the human race. Efficiency makes processes more profitable, but we are not in the business of processes. We are in the business of extracting money from cancer monkeys. They give us money, we give them ways to clean just enough water to live long enough to have more monkeys. You can see why, given this built-in advantage, efficiency is both unnecessary and in fact contrary to our interests.
Let me say this again: There is no room for efficiency in infrastructure analysis.
In closing, I don't want anyone to worry about the truck load of missiles that drove in circles in our parking lot for twenty minutes last night. That was just a shipping error on the part of one of our clients, and has been rectified.
That is all. You may now return to your labors."

Sep. 28
Your universe is defective.
A proper universe would imply that a species that gained enough intelligence to have some sort of sense of self-interest wouldn't care about things like national "pride", race, or even making weapons specifically designed to wipe themselves out entirely.
It would probably also have great big Goddamn lizards stomping around. Because that would be kind of cool, too.

Sept. 29
Things I said at work today:
(To my boss) "This ain't your grandpa's apocalypse."
(To Billy) "Can you get me the numbers for cholera in Thailand right now? Also typhoid and psuedomonas. And infant mortality for the last 4 years. How about pizza for lunch?"
(To new database admin lady) "Stop worrying about Billy. He'll come around. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Oct. 3
So, bad 60s dancing to "Everybody Talks" in my office with my boss, Billy, and the Occupant Services lady. New database admin lady walks to office door. Stops. Stares.
Dances the Watusi.
She stays.
 
Oct. 4
So Billy and I come rolling back up to the plant in the truck. Seats back, hand on top of steering wheel, all pimped out with Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" bumping on the stereo.
My boss and new database admin lady just stared at us like we were some kinda weird bird, for reasons that escape me.
 
Oct. 5
Today's test run: Horrible failure. Plant off line. Chillers very over. Sewage treatment plant flooded. I think my office sank. Nobody has seen Billy in hours, religious engineer guy has locked himself in his office, and the coyotes are circling like hammerhead sharks.
This is what SCIENCE looks like.
 
Oct. 6
Today was like watching the future sail away on a burning camel.

Oct. 6
My boss: *yells at me for 2 HOURS.*
Me: "You're wrong."
My boss: "..."
Me: "That's an alarming shade of purple"

Oct. 6
Billy: "If you knew the world was ending, and there was no way to prevent it, would you tell anyone?"
Me: "I'd tell EVERYONE."

Oct. 14
Giraffes can't enjoy coffee because it's cold by the time it reaches their stomach. But you never think about that, because you only think about yourself.

Oct. 16
At work today:
Billy: "Matter tells space how to bend, and space tells matter how to move."
Me: "You know what tells me how to move?"
Billy: "No, and I don't..."
Me: "Devine. You know what tells me how to bend?"
Billy: "Stop."
Me: "STILL DEVINE, BILLY."
Billy: "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOSS?"
Me: "DEVINE TELLS ME HOW TO BEND. NOTHING IS WRONG."

Oct. 17
14.5 hours of nonstop WrongScienceô, because the world is delivered to your doorstep by terrible deeds. And exhaustion.
Little Billy fell out at 12 hours, because he is young, and the young are weak, and they cannot concentrate without blood sugar. I, on the other hand, am made out of scabs and scar tissue, and can live for 3 days on a rat that I swallowed whole.

Oct. 19
Today at work:
Boss: "I have to go, so as soon as <horrible maintenance emergency> is over, I'm out of here."
Me: "You should go now. This is going to take hours."
Boss: "I can't, because <horrible maintenance emergency>"
Me: "And what are you going to accomplish here? Do you think we are somehow not going to do our best if you leave?"
Boss: "No, but..."
Me: "Go. You can text me or call me if it starts bugging you."
Boss: "Okay." *leaves*
*Billy walks in*
Me: "Billy, hold my cell phone for the next two hours."
Billy: "What? Why?"
Me: "Don't question it. If the boss calls, tell her you're trapped in the rubble."
 
Oct. 20
I now have 5 petabytes of storage at work, so you are all being moved into it.
I shall be a kindly overlord.
 
Oct. 23
My workplace is careening off into insanity. Today I was told the safety committee will be deciding what critical spare parts I need to stock in the plant.
At this point, I'm just riding the roller coaster. Which is on fire. And has run out of tracks.
"This is normal, Billy."
 
Oct. 24
Billy is pretending to be horrified by my behavior today. He's such a kidder.
"This is all normal, Billy."
"No, it's not, boss. That was totally out of line. You had people screaming at you in Polish."
"They made unreasonable demands, and I felt something should be said."
"You called them mental defectives. AND you scared Mister Rogers" (Note: our safety manager looks exactly like Mr Rogers, and acts like him for the most part.)
"Harsh times, Billy, harsh times."
"You can't make Mr Rogers hide in his office, Sam. For God's sake."
"I can. I did. I felt my point needed to be driven home."
"You're crazier than those Polish dudes, you know that?"
*stops walking and looks at Billy for like 2 seconds too long*
"This is all normal, Billy."
 
Oct. 25
Things my boss said:
"I have been training my entire life to even, and now I can't."

Oct. 25
America, you can rest easy during these turbulent times. Billy and I are working on a set of solutions. With actual SCIENCEô. So everyone stop screaming and send more funding.

Oct. 26
15 straight hours of SCIENCE. Work successful, probably no actual laws broken. Excerpt from 90 minutes ago:
Me "Wake the hell up, Billy."
Billy: "What time is it? OH GOD WE'VE BEEN HERE 14 HOURS WATCHING THIS STUPID THING TEAR ITSELF TO PIECES. I'M TOO TIRED TO THINK."
Me: "You aren't paid to think, Billy, you are paid to spill science on things."
Billy: "I THINK I REMEMBER HAVING A LIFE."
Me: "Having a life is like STEALING FROM THE COMPANY, BILLY. Also, if this is just work to you, you aren't being paid enough, or you're being paid way too much. Anyway, go home, I will finish up."
Billy: "FUCK. Thanks."
Me: "See you at 5:30 AM."
Billy: "Wait. What?"
Me: "Good night, Billy."

Oct. 28
17 hours of adventure. Sam spent an hour crawling through a utility tunnel with a flashlight in his teeth. Sam's boss wants to know why he's so happy than only 5 breakers failed on restart.
Me: "When you don't service substations for 5 years, shit sometimes doesn't come back on like you think it ought to."
Boss: "So we're down a chiller, a well, an air compressor and a half dozen instruments, and you're HAPPY?"
Me: "You take your victories where you find them, boss."
Boss: "WTF?"
Billy: "This is all normal, boss."
I love Billy. Billy needs a raise, and maybe even a day off. Well, maybe just a raise. No need to get all carried away.

Oct. 28
I live in the Sonoran desert and somehow I have gone 72 hours without seeing the sun.

Oct. 31
Our religious engineer got a new bumpersticker that says "Legalize Jesus."
Me: "I think they should legalize beer, too."
Engineer: "Beer is legal."
Me: "But people don't have to drink it, which is almost like making it illegal. People run around drinking whiskey, even."
Engineer: "That's hardly the same thing."
Billy: "Some freaks even drink hard cider."
Me: "It's like this isn't even AMERICA, anymore."
Engineer: "Fuck you guys."
Billy: "You just swore. For like the first time ever. You're ADORABLE."
 
Nov. 1
Tips on dealing with treachery on the part of your direct reports, #312:
Keep them too busy to plot effectively. Make necessary improvements to systems only when they get comfortable with said systems, if the changes can wait that long.
If you MUST communicate, tell everyone the information in a slightly different format, so you'll know who ratted you out to the boss.
 
Nov. 2
Things I said at work today, with my bare face hanging out:
1. "I told you those bugs [sulfur reducing bacteria] were gonna get out of control. You just stand there while we shame you, you soggy bastard."
2. "Yes, I do have to get lippy about it. I warned you about this for 6 months. I have to go shit, so Billy will be shaming you in my place."
3. "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl? Fucking nobody."

Nov. 4
17 hours of NOPE. No, you cannot do that, because of basic physical laws. No, put Billy down, he has some admittedly marginal value and I have no time to interview his replacement. No, if your project is now flat, slightly radioactive, and smoldering, you are not getting additional funding, and you should probably start the whole plausible denial thing now. Nope, I am not father confessor at this pay rate, and I am utterly uninterested in your horrible woes or slightly criminal/unethical behavior and the consequences thereof.
Go ahead and complain to my boss. I'm the EASY option, and SHE will frame your bits and hang them in the conference room.
 
Nov. 6
Things I said at work today:
*Billy and I watching a guy in <corporation X>'s lab coat walking down the middle of the road in a trance-like state*
Billy: "We should call someone."
Me: "Yep. Gonna call <corporation X> security and have this guy collected up."
Billy: "Shouldn't we maybe call the paramedics?"
Me: "Have you never watched a horror film? Or an epidemic scare flick?"
Billy: "But this is real life."
Me: "Yes, Billy, and that is *exactly* why I am doing what everyone in those horror films SHOULD have done. 500 needless deaths a year would be prevented if people just followed protocol."
Billy: "You just made that number up."
Me: "Yes, but it's still true."
 
Nov. 6
So today I learned that not only do I have to give Billy a day off every 13 days, but I have to take one myself.
How the hell is shit supposed to get done?
 
Nov. 7
Billy: "So you're being investigated by the safety department for *following* both the law and the IEEE best practices?"
Me: "This is all normal, Billy."


Nov. 9
So, I am under investigation at work for *following* code & IEEE standards, and the two weasels who initiated it managed to pull the sole controlling meter out of a tank without isolating the process equipment, dumping a few dozen thousand gallons of potable water onto the desert, and by sheer luck alone managed to not smoke the pumps, which are at the bottom of 500 foot shafts. I am not allowed to name them in the incident investigation, because "no regulations were violated" (except every single OSHA rule on energy isolation, and county, state, and federal rules on containment, but who's counting?)
I am now actively looking for another job.

Nov. 14
Okay, so Billy and I are looking at this jockey pump that keeps pressure up on a few larger pumps. It's pumping from a tank system at 200 gallons per minute, for 8 hours or so a day.
Problem: None of the tank levels are going down. We checked, both in the system, and by physically climbing up on the tanks and looking in to verify their levels.
Billy: "I think we should quit, this place is haunted."
Me: "Nonsense. This is just one of those reality cracks we have in Tucson from time to time. Water is probably just leaking in from another universe."
Billy: "Or water is somehow getting back into the tank."
Me: "There are no other ways for water to get in. Look."
Billy: "Okay, haunted. We should quit."
Me: "People sometimes PAY for this kind of shit, you know."
Billy: "I didn't. This is spooky, and I don't like it. Who ordered this?"
Me: "This is all nor..."
Billy: "NO, IT ISN'T NORMAL. WE'VE GOT GODDAMN ELDER GODS IN OUR TANK FARM OR SOME SHIT. THIS IS NOT NORMAL."
Me: "This is all ftang, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on November 15, 2017, 01:08:57 pm
10/10.  Would read again.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on November 15, 2017, 04:10:45 pm
Reading this was the perfect start to my day. Keep on keepin' on, Dok.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on November 15, 2017, 07:58:48 pm
:mittens:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 01:19:15 am
i'm going to make a comic strip based on your adventures and make millions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 03:30:46 am
i'm going to make a comic strip based on your adventures and make millions.


Comics artists all starve to death.  This is known.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 03:42:19 am
Another day of absolute failure.  The controllers I said were bad - and of which I was assured by *non-technical people* could not be the problem, because I am Doktor Howl and Doktor Howl cannot be right - shat the bed completely today, knocking the system down and stopping 3800 tons of water on a dime.  This created a water hammer that shook the entire building, and cracked a pipe that cannot be isolated without taking down the jockey pump.  The main pumps cannot run without the jockey pump.  The chillers cannot run without the mains.

So now we need a full unplanned outage, because I am leaking 100 GPM of water, molybdenum, phosphoric acid, chlorine, and chlorine dioxide into the basement.  And that crack ain't getting any smaller, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

So no weekend for me.  Again.

On the bright side, this happened:

Me:  "So you are 4 classes from your masters, and you aren't enrolled?"

New Database Admin Lady:  "Um, I just started here.  I can't take that kind of time off.  The classes are all daytime."

Me:  "So work odd hours.  Your job is not shift-dependent."

NDBAL:  "You're serious?"

Me:  "Yes.  I will put it in an email, if you like.  Also, we have tuition reimbursement."

NDBAL:  *Walks off looking happy*

Billy: "I knew you were a big softie, boss."

Me:  "Pffft.  That lady is going to be our boss one fine day."

Billy:  "You think?"

Me:  "I know.  At least if I have anything to say about it.  You can't pick many things in life, but if you're lucky, you can pick your boss."

Billy:  "So it wasn't altruism.  Strangely enough, that makes me feel better."

Me:  "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl?  Fucking nobody."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 22, 2017, 12:43:20 am
Me:  "...And so the programming is setting up the problem, because an "or" condition should have been an "and" condition, so if one sensor of two goes bad, the whole system freaks out, all the pumps come on, we overfill the tank, and we put poop on dirt."

Boss:  *looks dubious*

Me:  "It's simple Boolean algebra.  Look for yourself."

Boss:  "We need to get an engineer involved." 

Billy:  "What?  Why?"

Me:  "Billy, that is management code for "We're not going to address the problem, because doing something is riskier than, say, putting poop on dirt and getting the county up our colons sideways with a surfboard."

Boss:  "What?  No it isn't."

Me:  "How many problems that we have 'gotten an engineer involved' in have been completed?"

Boss:  "You aren't paid to be an engineer."

Me:  "No, I am paid to wait for engineering.  I am going to my office to listen to Lady Gaga and wait for the engineers to fix everything."

Boss:  *freaks the hell out, stomps off*

Billy:  "You're going to push her too far one day, boss."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Billy:  "You're going to get fired."

Me:  "Hush, Billy, it's Lady Gaga time."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 22, 2017, 01:00:48 am
Also today:

Me:  "That girl threw *what* at you?"

Billy:  "Her cat."

Me:  "Why do you keep hanging out with her?"

Billy:  "She has a big butt."

Me:  "A big butt isn't everything, Billy."

Billy:  "BOSS, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.  LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bu☆ns on November 22, 2017, 02:14:04 am
Love this thread  :lulz:

(https://media0.giphy.com/media/OswzXCtFYfdi8/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on November 22, 2017, 05:33:08 pm
Comics artists starving to death notwithstanding, I truly believe this could have potential to be a "Dilbert for a new generation" kinda thing. I mean that in the best way possible; no offense intended whatsoever.

Not that any of this NEEDS graphical representation. It's pretty much perfect as-is.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 11, 2018, 03:44:15 am
Me:  "Okay, Billy, we're employed again.  I start next Monday, you'll start on Thursday."

Billy:  "We're really going to do this?  Run a friggin' town full of rich old people?"

Me:  "Is that somehow different than running a research facility?  Both are full of people who know everything, want to make sure you know they know everything, and who are insanely afraid of any change at all.  Difference is, the old people are right to fear change."

Billy:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "If you're 70 years old and rich, what does upcoming change have to offer you?"

Billy:  "Intubation for the last few months of your life?"

Me:  "Exactly.  So it is our job to make sure they don't ever notice any change ever."

Billy:  "I think they're going to notice the tube."

Me:  "Yes, but by that point, they're not our problem anymore."

Billy:  "I can't put my finger on it, but what you just said sounds unethical somehow."

Me:  "It's the circle, Billy.  The circle of liiiiiiiiiiife!"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 11, 2018, 01:35:38 pm
I eagerly await updates (or minutes from council meetings)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 11, 2018, 05:21:38 pm
I missed this thread somehow until the most recent bump. It's awesome!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 19, 2018, 12:23:51 am
Things I said at work today:

"Billy, this is Chef Ronald.  Don't get too close, he is a tightly-wound ball of anger and lives to make people cry.  Chef, this is Billy.  He has never in his life cried, and I doubt you can do the job, either."

"There is absolutely no reason for signs that say 'no adult diapers' around a pool for rich old people who have never had to obey rules in their lives.  Just order more pool supplies and try not to think about it."

"Before, I was untitled and lowly.  Now I am DIRECTOR Tarwell, and it has in fact gone straight to my head.  I am mad with power.  I'm basically the shithead politician/exec that dies gruesomely at the end of the movie, but has amazing cuff links.  Stop looking at me that way."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2018, 01:11:58 am
So one of my janitorial crew members is apparently Billy's long-lost twin brother.

*standing by the water treatment plant*

Nick:  "So you guys know about this sort of thing?"

Me:  "Yup."

Nick:  "What's it like in there?"

Billy:  "Unadulterated horror."

Nick:  "What?"

Me:  "It's basically world war I in there.  Non-stop chemical warfare, only the Huns are microbes."

Billy:  "Genocide every day.  If things go right."

Nick:  "But they're just germs."

Billy:  "'Just germs, he says."

Me:  "You need to see the sewage treatment plant on the South end.  It's the other way around there...By which I mean, you spend all day trying to keep germs alive."

Nick:  "Why?"

Billy:  "What do you think eats the poop?"

Nick:  "I never thought about it, really."

Me:  "Imagine a few billion workers, furiously eating shit all day, while trying not to drown."

Nick:  "So, like my life."

Nick gets it.  Nick is not going to be a janitor for long.  No, Billy and I see big things ahead for him, and I think maybe he needs to get moved into the water management side of things.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on January 20, 2018, 05:03:19 am
I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 20, 2018, 08:17:13 pm
I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me

 :lulz:  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2018, 02:41:56 am
Things I said at work today:

"The next person I catch standing on the top of a self-supporting ladder gets to clean out the spa."

"Boss, Billy and Nick are freaking me out.  They've been working together all day and I can't catch them fucking off.  This isn't natural.  And now I have to fuck off all by myself."

"If being a director means I can't dance to Abba with the HR lady, then what's the POINT?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 24, 2018, 12:22:56 am
*Billy & Nick, outside of my office*

Billy:  "Look at that.  He's eerily life-like."

Nick:  "I keep expecting him to move or something."

Me:  "UM, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE, ARSE BISCUITS."

Nick:  "IT TALKS!"

Me:  "It also hands out assignments.  Like who's gonna go unstop the men's room toilet next to the main gym."

I looked up at this point, but they were gone, like a fart in the night.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2018, 01:57:46 am
As of today, Nick is now maintenance instead of a custodian.

Me: ..."And this comes with a $4/hour increase."

Nick: "NICE.  When does my raise become effective?"

Me:  "When you do."

Nick:  "..."

Me:  "It's like you're moving in slow motion."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2018, 02:08:52 am
So, replacing Nick after a promotion is a thing.  Poached on the kitchens, stole their part-timer dishwasher.

Me:  "And this isn't a done deal, Chris.  Yes, it's a raise, it's full time, and you get benefits for the first time in your life, but it's also more work.  And you will work, or out you go.  You have two options, here:  You can fail and go back to the kitchens, or you can shake your ass like your momma taught you and get things done.  If you do that, eventually you will move up to better things.  The custodial manager is a merciless tyrant, and he is frankly opposed to all of this, so know in advance that it's going to be an uphill battle. So, that being said, do you still want this?"

Chris:  "Yes."

Me:  "Good.  We're going to do great things."

Chris:  "As a janitor?"

Me:  "Stack that up next to three and a half years of washing dishes 20 hours/week.  If you want a career in the trades, it's a long hard slog.  This is because you are young and those of us who make decisions are old, and we hate you for your youth.  I mean, really, I could just stick you straight into an apprenticeship and you'd do fine, but that isn't how these things work.  You don't have enough bile yet, and you wouldn't appreciate things properly."

Chris:  "Wow.  Billy and Nick weren't kidding.  You're nuts."

Me:  "That is an illusion caused by the fact that you are on THAT side of the desk and I am on THIS side of the desk.  However, I admire your courage in saying so, so we'll just start you off cleaning the locker rooms for the gyms."

Chris:  "Fuck."

Me:  "Consider this your first lesson:  Speaking truth to power is often painful, and solves nothing at all.  Now, it's time to go to work."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Emo Howard on January 25, 2018, 07:40:00 am
So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 26, 2018, 12:52:27 am
So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?

I apply the Cain rule in that case.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 26, 2018, 01:28:57 am
Things I said at work today:

"When you're talking about OSHA, the difference between 'should' and 'shall' is the difference between 'my bad' and '6 years in prison.'

"Go home, boss.  One hour of well-rested work is worth 8 hours of fatigued work.  Why do I even have to say this?  Turn off your computer and go home.  All of this horrormirth will still be here tomorrow."

"Billy, the best way to deal with a troublesome employee is to promote him or her.  The person will either rocket past your expectations or else explode spectacularly in the breakdown lane, and it turns out I win either way."

"So as I understand the story, God tossed humans out of Eden, and the humans said, 'Well, fuck, we'll just make our OWN Eden' and the following 10,000 years has been the resulting attempt to mimic magic with technology.  Now, I personally don't buy into the idea of a higher being, but plenty of people do, and we have to understand the way they think and even pretend to respect their beliefs.  I mean, if they're in a position to give us grief.  And let me tell you, the theists around us are indeed in a position to make our professional lives a series of tragic misunderstandings.  So we're all gonna smile and nod and make appropriate noises when the good citizens of our town tell us about how Jesus feels about the border wall."


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on January 28, 2018, 03:24:50 am
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: PoFP on January 29, 2018, 02:42:58 pm
 :lulz: This thread is fucking glorious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 01:11:07 am
Billy:  "It's so weird seeing you in a suit."

Me:  "I know.  I already feel more evil."

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 30, 2018, 06:35:13 am

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"


Well...have you?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 11:56:00 pm

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"


Well...have you?

Yes, but only as a guide on how NOT to run a business.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:07:34 am
Things that were said at work today:

Me:  "I don't understand why it is so difficult to understand that if you sign a contract, you have to hold up your end of it.  But here I have paid you on schedule for work that turns out to be completely substandard.  And now, mid-contract, you are claiming that you need more money for slipshod work because the minimum wage went up.  This boggles the mind.  First, it isn't really my business or my problem that you pay people crap and can't keep employees for more than a few weeks.  Second, I want to introduce you to a term which may be new to you:  'penalty clause', a term which I am now invoking.  My part of this conversation is over, and you will continue it with Horrible David, our lawyer.  He is a nasty man who doesn't even understand the term 'reasonable'.  So take the interval between conversations to mull over all the bad business decisions that have led you to this point.  Good day, sir."

Billy:  "Chris, you know how some people have 'resting bitch face'?  Well, the boss has 'resting evil glee face', but you gotta understand that he's cheerfully evil all the way down to his bones and if you don't start moving your ass, he'll move it for you."

Nick (to Billy):  "What the hell is the boss doing?"
Billy (to Nick):  "He says he's trying to invent 'Desk Haka'.  Better to pretend you don't notice."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:21:05 am
Also today at work, in safety meeting:

Me:  "Boss, are you scratching your back with a knife?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 01:17:08 am
The pools at the facility I run are 2,500,000 gallon standard Olympic size pools.  So, at 4 ppm chlorine, that's 8.5 gallons of chlorine, at ten pounds per gallon.  Now, rich old people get in the pool.  The amount of piss a horrible old rich person can contain is 0.13 gallons.  Mixing that much urine with chlorinated water would produce .01 pounds of chloramine gas.   So when 8500 people piss in the pool, the free chlorine crashes, because it's all been turned to chloramine, which doesn't show up on a free chlorine test, but the chlorides are still in the water, only nastier and more prone to off-gas in sunlight.

The water crashes twice a year.  Which means 47 of the old bastards are pissing in the pool EVERY DAY, and then complaining that the water is making their eyes burn.

Science:  Not always your friend.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on January 31, 2018, 01:29:50 am
:horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :fap:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 31, 2018, 05:28:26 am
'Desk Haka'
'Bout died when I read that.
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Emo Howard on January 31, 2018, 06:59:58 am
You know those signs you sometimes see near pools that start "Welcome to our ool"

I've thought for a long time now that someone should make one that starts "Welcome to our l".

Just throwing that out there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 31, 2018, 08:57:16 pm
:horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :fap:

This
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 am
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on February 01, 2018, 01:39:58 am
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

 :lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 01:47:41 am
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

 :lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?

Yep.  The world's most dedicated pervert.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2018, 01:29:58 am
Things that got said at work today:

#1  Me:  "Yes, I AM dancing in my office.  You may have noticed that I have an excessive amount of energy, which unkind people might even describe as 'manic'.  I can shed that energy dancing to 'Everybody Talks', or I can use it to find things for you to do."

#2  Billy:  "So we're going to build an entire SCADA system for the swimming pools?"
Me:  "Also the HVAC units."
Billy:  "Isn't that going just a little overboard?"
Me:  *looks at Billy in Boss*
Nick:  "Seriously, it's overkill."
Me:  "Then what am I gonna do with the 500 Bluetooth transmitters that we found in the storage room?"
Nick:  "We could just ignore them.  They probably belong to the IT guy or something."
Me:  *looks at Nick in More Boss*
Billy:  "Okay, whatever. I'm just saying that..."
Me:  "Despite our reduced circumstances, there is SCIENCE around here somewhere.  I can smell it."
Billy:  "Oh, shit, here we go."
Nick:  "Wait.  What?"
Me:  "Hush.  There's work to be done."

#3  Boss:  "You're just going to hand the water numbers over to the board?"
Me:  "Well, they have a right to know.  I'm just inflicting the truth."
Boss:  "They're gonna shit."
Me:  "Then I guess we'll just have to do better."
Boss:  "No, seriously, they're going to shit."
Me:  "This is how we do it.  Drag everything out in daylight, see what wiggles. Besides, WE didn't pee in the pool.  Unless there's something you want to tell me."
Boss:  *looks at me in Boss*
Me:  "Okay, fine.  I won't EXPLAIN it, I'll just publish it."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on February 02, 2018, 01:34:58 am
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2018, 03:07:42 am
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.

I am a lofty director now.  I have more than 50 minions.  It's just that these two are awesome.

My common areas manager is also awesome, but more in the "consummate professional" way.  She's a real joy to have around, despite the lack of laughs. 

She is also the senior manager, but ranks 4th out of 5 in pay, strangely enough.  Have to fix that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 08, 2018, 12:13:04 am
*watching Riverdance rehearsal at the theater*

*dancer falls off of stage*

Billy:  "Ouch."

Me:  "It's a great day to be alive, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2018, 12:53:50 am
My boss wanted me to write an article on pool hygiene so that people would stop getting in the pool without showering and maybe stop pissing in the pool and shaving their legs in the spa, etc.

So I did.

Then he read what I wrote, and told me that perhaps we should take out a radio ad or something instead.  Or put up more signs.

Nick:  "Well, sure.  We probably don't want to tell them what's actually going on."

Me:  "Yes, we do.  I mean, I SAID the water was fine, I just said how much money it costs to keep it that way when everyone's treating the pools like they were latrines."

Boss:  *Looks at me in boss*

Me:  "Fine.  Nick, order up another 500 pounds of carbon."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Emo Howard on February 13, 2018, 09:34:49 am
So what do you do with all that carbon when it's, err... full?

Can you just lay it out in the sun and let it ventilate itself, and then reuse it?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2018, 12:23:59 am
So what do you do with all that carbon when it's, err... full?

Can you just lay it out in the sun and let it ventilate itself, and then reuse it?

You stuck it in a "Blue Oven" and crank the temp up to 400+.  In a well-ventilated area.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2018, 12:06:37 am
At work today:

Billy:  "What do you look so grumpy about?"

Me:  "The new guy."

Billy:  "Who, Kevin?  What's wrong with him?"

Me:  "I sent him to fix the blower on roof 3."

Billy:  "And?"

Me:  "He did it."

Billy:  "So, what's the problem?"

Me:  "While he was doing that, he noticed that one of the hot water heaters was out.  So he fixed that."

Billy:  "That's good, right?"

Me:  "And while he was doing THAT, he noticed some dodgy wiring, so he pulled new wire in parallel, opened the circuit, landed the new wires, and yanked the crappy stuff out. While he was in process of doing THAT, he found that the breakers weren't labeled, so he got the print, verified ALL of the circuits, and labeled them with proper placards instead of a sharpy."

Billy:  "Holy crap, it's not even lunch time."

Me:  "I know."

Billy:  "This isn't natural."

Me:  "I know.  And God won't let me have nice things unless he's gonna drizzle crap all over them first, so I am just sitting here and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Billy:  "But what if there isn't another shoe?"

Me:  "Have you learned NOTHING?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on February 24, 2018, 03:24:51 am

Billy:  "But what if there isn't another shoe?"

Me:  "Have you learned NOTHING?"
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 01, 2018, 11:51:01 pm
At work today:

Me: "I got bored and put a mirror in the scanner and suddenly I'm somewhere where Trump is president and people blame kids for being shot at in school."

Billy:  "I hate you."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 23, 2018, 01:24:45 am
So Billy has given his notice.  The sanitation plant offered him $12,000 more a year and a slot as the second shift plant supervisor.

I should be happy for his treasonous good fortune, I suppose.  But I am a jealous and wrathful god, and I have brought him into the think tank I am connected with.  He's got to be horrified by *someone*, after all.

In the meantime, I am gonna ramp the fun up, because I only have until two weeks from tomorrow before he's a vendor and not an employee.  And you know what *that* means.

Yes.  It's time for a dance-off.  A MANDATORY dance-off.  The HR lady says I can't do that but that I should anyway, and that she's participating to lead by example.

So what I need is music that sounds like you SHOULD be able to dance to, but that you actually can't.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 11:57:04 am
The Birthday Party, Swampland (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX5zIMUW2qc)

Nomeansno, Metronome (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXUjeftjl2A)

Eric Dolphy, Hat and Beard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tnPkQufnZY)

Einsturzende Neubauten, Z.N.S. (https://youtu.be/sW80JfXLZGs)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Hoopla on March 23, 2018, 12:55:02 pm
Funhouse by the Stooges. Iíve tried. Itís a no-go.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 01:02:51 pm
Funhouse by the Stooges. Iíve tried. Itís a no-go.

Balls.  I mean, it looks like an epileptic fit, but it's possible.

Here's the track, by the way. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bX275Crxxc)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Hoopla on March 23, 2018, 01:31:53 pm
Oh shit. Just realized I was thinking of the wrong song. I meant No Fun by the Stooges. Oops.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 02:26:20 pm
Ok, I'll give you that one.  Mid-Tempo, and obscures the back beat. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-4icrlZbaY)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 24, 2018, 12:52:39 am
At work today:

Billy:  "Well, when I go to the new job, I won't have to take any shit off you anymore."  (Billy is leaving to run the local sanitation district's second shift)

Me:  "Do you even hear yourself talking?  I am in fact going to give you shit.  Something like 2 tons of shit each and every day.  Your entire career will consist of nothing more than you taking shit off of me.  It's literally your new job description."

Billy:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Emo Howard on March 24, 2018, 06:34:53 am
To be completely honest, I'm not a music person and am probably not the best person to judge what can or cannot be danced to, but for some reason this comes to mind.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH5TZaUTX8A
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 05, 2018, 02:05:16 am
Billy, Kevin, and I, standing across the street from the transformers and cable nodes.

Kevin:  "So if we pull 3 more strands of fiber optics from the node, we can..."

*dump truck takes the corner wide, smashes the node flat, half the town loses cable and internet*

Billy:  "Or we could just install a new node."

Me:  "Yes, that seems to be the option now."

Kevin:  "DID YOU GUYS JUST SEE THAT SHIT?"

Me:  "Well, yes.  We're not blind."

Kevin:  "THAT DUMBASS JUST SQUISHED $50,000 WORTH OF GEAR."

Billy:  "Yeah.  Saw that."

Kevin:  "THAT'S HALF THE DAMN CITY DISCONNECTED."

Me:  "Obviously."

Kevin: "..."

Kevin:  "This shit doesn't bother you guys?"

Billy:  "This is all normal, Kevin."

Me:  "Just another day in Bastard City."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 05, 2018, 12:51:14 pm
I like this one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 06, 2018, 12:54:18 am
I like this one.

Kevin is still adjusting to Tucson.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 06, 2018, 01:00:30 pm
When's Billy's last day?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2018, 06:04:55 am
When's Billy's last day?

Today was his last day.  There's a good story in this, but it will have to wait until my blood sugar is where it needs to be.

Monday he gets the first two tons of shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 12, 2018, 01:12:48 am
I am on this "energy committee" thing at work. It hasn't even actually been formed yet, nobody has been confirmed as a member. I am already being emailed by people who are *most likely* going to be members, and all of them are saying, "These are our conclusions, please warp the data to fit."

Also, the engineer involved is hilariously condescending. Today, he tried to explain to me what a kilowatt hour is, because I am obviously a trogdolyte who thinks that electricity is magic given to us by the Gods.

And here I am, with no Billy to assist me in my horrible mockery.   :cry:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2018, 12:35:26 pm
I have faith in your HorriblenessTM.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 13, 2018, 12:45:15 am
Kevin: "I can't understand it. I checked everything, and the fiber optics still aren't working."

Me: "You sure you checked everything?"

Kevin: "I walked the entire building."

Me: "Oh. I probably should have told you...Someone ran the node over. Again."

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30657213_1794929940558654_1094788241787191296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6aff0a993c4ac1e3d0d04586b4da3ec1&oe=5B60024C)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Vanadium Gryllz on April 13, 2018, 02:09:47 am
Completely flattened it!

Do these people just drive off after smashing the nodes?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 13, 2018, 12:45:00 pm
I like how you strung Kevin along on that one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 06:07:33 am
I like how you strung Kevin along on that one.

Troubleshooting sometimes includes noticing the obvious.  Like a gigantic truck full of sand repeatedly driving over your signal source, forever.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 06:08:20 am
Completely flattened it!

Do these people just drive off after smashing the nodes?

The first truck driver did.  I heard he made bail.

The second guy just stood there looking sheepish until the cops showed up, so it was just an insurance thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 08:32:44 am
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2018, 08:33:37 pm
Things I said at work today:

1.  "The reason you dislike your job is because you have not yet been exposed to academia."
2.  "No, we cannot post ads in the paper about your missing boa constrictor.  How the hell did you lose a boa constrictor?  How big was it?  Oh, this should be an interesting week or so."
3.  "Boss, I don't feel it's fair to ask me to keep a straight face about a homeowner losing a 12 foot boa constrictor in a town full of cranky & slow old MAGA people.  This is how I get my happy thoughts, you knew that when you hired me."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 16, 2018, 10:59:18 pm
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with a pentagon for an office.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 17, 2018, 01:12:30 am
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with a pentagon for an office.

I am apparently not designed to be viewed by the general public, and my henchmen are worse.

So they found an extradimensional space for our exile.

CALL ME ZOD, HUMANS!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 17, 2018, 10:11:01 pm
Kevin:  "You should stop laughing, boss.  This isn't funny."

Me:  "There are no possible conditions under which this isn't funny."

Kevin:  "She was seriously injured."

Me:  "Yes.  She was seriously injured because she was walking on the Spanish tiles on a roof on which she had no business being, trying to catch waiters fucking off out back for a smoke.  How the hell did she even get up there?  I don't know.  You don't know.  Nobody fucking knows, and she ain't saying.  So instead of doing her flying nun routine, she fell.  And she fell because God hates a busy-body snitch who has no better way to spend her retirement than criminal trespassing in an attempt to get a minimum wage employee fired."

Kevin:  "Well, when you say it like that..."

Me:  "Damn right.  God hates snitches, I hate snitches, and every right-thinking human being hates snitches."

Kevin:  "Harsh."

Me:  "Remember Judas Iscariot?  Neither do I."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 01:49:12 am
Also, Tucson rush hour traffic horror:

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32842136_1830616873656627_4420542995749666816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=745f5899a632ac7c5baea812fc5c38d0&oe=5B7894A4)

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32878782_1830616953656619_6915105270221766656_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=c8dfbfff14fd312e3f42a7ff98e284b5&oe=5B79E739)

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32780098_1830617040323277_1240573884378382336_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=79d09bbf84551457545da6a201ace4c3&oe=5B81066D)

I was barely doing 70 MPH on account of that one guy.  This isn't reasonable.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 08:09:29 pm
So, the Great Snake Scare in this joint went viral pretty quickly.  Patrol's phones are blowing up, as are admins, mine, the executive director's, everyone.

Nobody has SEEN the snake (that part of the hysteria will come later).  Instead, everyone is scared because they DON'T see it...Which is, in the case of a monster 12' boa constrictor, not unreasonable.  What isn't reasonable is what they're asking for.

1.  "How long will it take you to find the snake?"
2.  "How do I know if the snake is around without being able to see it?"
3.  "What do we do if the snake attacks my corgi?"

The answers, so far:

1.  "Ma'am, if I knew that, I would know where the snake is, and the answer would be 'the problem is over'."
2.  "Sir, I don't even know where to start with you."
3.  "Wager on the snake, get a new corgi."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 18, 2018, 09:01:52 pm
I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 09:06:58 pm
I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.

I honestly can't see a bad ending for this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2018, 11:03:58 pm
Even the fabulous Doktor can make mistakes.

Converted a supply closet to a kiln room for a glass kiln.  Got the spacing right, power provided, fire department sign-off, everything.

I mean, everything except the air conditioning return.  Didn't think of that bit.

So the return in the old supply room starts shipping the smell of fusing glass into the accounting office.  Like a lot.  Like a whole lot.  Like the accounting office smells like a crematorium.  So, vented the old supply room out of the ceiling, and pulled the return and dropped it in my office, which is on a different HVAC unit.  So every time the door is closed, my ears pop.

Recap:  Stink gone from accounting office, and my dimensionally-incorrect office is now also atmospherically-incorrect.

This can only get better.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 22, 2018, 01:17:20 pm
Whoops.  Maybe take it easy on the whole "warping space-time" for a bit?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 22, 2018, 02:11:05 pm
That pressure balance is just fine... for where that room is going.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on May 23, 2018, 03:59:21 am
Didn't think of that bit.

Y' made me laugh, you grizzled fuck
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:25:56 pm
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:29:20 pm
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 23, 2018, 08:33:51 pm
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 09:40:51 pm
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

 :lulz:

In my defense, it's outside of my area of responsibility and I would be stepping on the toes of the new Director of Grounds if I started making announcements.

The new director of grounds starts next week, so he can tell them.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 23, 2018, 10:00:22 pm
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 10:15:15 pm
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.

This problem has slowly grown over a two year period, apparently.


It can only be ghosts.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:09:51 pm
Sitting before me:  A stack of invoices from a hardware store.  All of them are overdue by up to 18 months.  None of them were submitted for payment when Steve picked up the various things he bought.

Standing in front of my desk:  A very defensive Steve, puffed up with primate threat posturing,  Imagine Chris Christie inflating to present a bigger threat.

Me:  "Have anything to say about this?"

Steve:  "I haven't got time for that bullshit."

Me:  "That's amazing, given that all you seem to do is make town runs to one store or another.  It would seem like there would be plenty of time to code your receipts.  It takes less than a minute."

Steve:  "Are you saying I don't do shit around here?"

Me:  "Yes.  Yes, I am saying that.  I am also saying that your paperwork is not in order.  The first sin is venal, the second is mortal."

Steve:  "What?"

Me:  "You have sinned in the eyes of the company, Steve.  You have sinned in the eyes of your manager and me.  More importantly, you have sinned in the eyes of Stephanie from accounting.  I'm the soft option, here."

Steve:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "No, you don't.  You have many options in this situation, but only one of them involves keeping your job.  That option is to sit down, code all 70 of these invoices properly by noon, and then give them back to me on the way to apologize to Stephanie for making her life more difficult that it has to be."

Steve:  "I ain't kissing any front office ass."

Me:  "This is a limited time offer.  You may agree in the next 7 seconds, or you will be walking out the door.  Please call my bluff."

Steve:  "OKAY FINE."

Me:  "Welcome to the road to redemption, Steve. Next time this happens, you're going to have to sing hymns."

*30 minutes go by.  Kevin walks in.*

Kevin:  "Are you really going to make him sing hymns?"

Me:  "Word gets around.  Yes.  Yes, if he does this again, he shall sing "A Mighty Fortress" because sinning against Stephanie definitely requires some Presbyterian-style repentence."

Kevin:  "How are you even functional?"

Me:  "This is all normal, Kevin."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 06:21:58 pm
 :lulz:

The punchline gets me, every time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:48:05 pm
:lulz:

The punchline gets me, every time.


What nobody seems to get is that "normal" does not mean "good" or "nice" or even "sane".  This is not the era to worry about whether or not your boss is all fucked up on tiny yellow pills.  No.  This is the era to GET SHIT DONE and then GRIN at the resulting devastation.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:55:19 pm
Also, LMNO, I may have to ask a favor.  I am being asked to "craft" a response to a situation between the board of the town I work for and the next one over.  I feel that it is crucial that this response be both utterly incomprehensible and also totally lacking any actual information, yet still seem to address the question.  So I turn to you and your known expertise in killing 1000 years of the development of the English language via corporate-speak.

When I know what it is they want, I'll post it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 08:55:38 pm
:fingers at the ready:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 08:57:22 pm
I'm in a meeting using a tablet.  People think I'm taking notes.

This is all horribly familiar.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 09:02:05 pm
What's funny is that I AM taking notes, thanks to voice-to-text, which leads me to believe my time could be more productively spent than, say, sitting through a meeting by a "finance" committee formed by people with commercial and/or industrial finance background to advise a non-profit organization.

Seriously, these fuckers have managed to institutionalize "Back in MY day..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 09:03:35 pm
I am just sitting here watching aggressive stupidity automagically fill a Word document.

Do we even need people at all anymore?  I'll have my machine insult your machine, we'll do lunch.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 25, 2018, 12:54:24 pm
(https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdObhsRe3QmbMRy/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 08, 2018, 07:08:20 pm
So, Denise caught fire today.  One of those tragic conference room things, LMNO can tell you about them.  One minute, you're fine, the next minute everyone's hollering and trying to find the fire extinguisher, and you're like "WHAT?"

In this case, the cause was obvious.  I had asked to borrow Denise from marketing to help enter some truly bizarre alkalinity results, based on some ideas I got from Zenpatista at our last periodic Geeks Night Out."  She's a nice young lady, and was glad to help.  Then she got interested in the problem itself.  She and I and my pool specialist spent two days beating our heads against the wall, when suddenly her eyes lit up.  You could almost see smoke coming out of them.

"You guys said that metal could 'flocc' with the extra base, right?"

"Yes."

"Your algaecide is mostly zinc."

Anthony and I look at each other. I look at Denise.  "I'm buying you lunch.  Its salmon today."  I also notice that she was bitten by the bug.  You can tell.  She just spent days working with her brain and  solved a very difficult problem by going over data until her eyes hurt, but SHE solved it, and we're all about giving her credit for it.  So far, so good.

But today she's at her regular job, and she is telling all of us in the meeting that she has negotiated a Cher tribute singer AND a Journey tribute band for the old fogeys in the richer facility...And that fire in her eyes from yesterday came out and caught her hair on fire.  She ignores this, and mentions that the citizens are unhappy that we can't get the REAL Neil Sedaka for next month, but that the guy they CAN get looks and sounds just like him.  That's when she exploded.

There were no survivors.   
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 08, 2018, 10:15:06 pm
I sympathize with her, of course, since I have been ON FIRE since 2007.  The part of your brain that you used as a kid, before we beat all the answers into you, is on full blast.  When you don't have a "gotcha" problem, you go find one.  It is the state of mind in which "because it always worked that way" becomes "Why does this stupid shit function at all, and how can we make it function BETTER, MORE AUTOMATED, AND REPORTING ITS CONDITION AT ALL TIMES?  We breathe PLC code and speak in SQL captures.  I want to see a new breed of technician, for whom NOTHING is "good enough" or "Put to bed", with blazing eyes and overheating junk in their steaming pants. A bright new future, all blowing itself to pieces every night, to be built FASTER BETTER SEXIER at 8 AM.

There is horrible science in everything, and if YOU knew what *I* know, you'd never get in a public swimming pool again, and you'd side-eye the toilet.  It's not on your side.




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2018, 06:06:32 pm
Billy and I had brunch today (a sign of how far I have fallen is that *brunch* is an acceptable term), to discuss how our various jobs are going and catching up on a few things that affect both of our companies:

Me:  "...And that's why the handicapped entrance doors sometimes close on people repeatedly."

Billy:  "How are you going to fix it?"

Me:  *blank stare*

Billy: "Oh, right.  Hang on, I have to go to the bathroom."

Me:  "You're only making more work for yourself."

Billy:  *blank stare*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 13, 2018, 10:45:57 pm
Kevin:  "The water at the bar at the main clubhouse tastes like ass."

Me:  "Like literal ass or just like ass?"

Kevin:  "Just ass."

Me:  "The soda machine has lost it's supply check valve and you're blowing CO2 back into the waterline.  Call the vendor, have them fix their shit."

Kevin:  "Okay.  What if I said literal ass?"

Me:  "Then you'd be calling Billy.  He isn't above that sort of thing, you know."

Kevin:  "That's fucked.  I know you both, and you are definitely the bad guy."

Me:  "You know us both?  Did you know Billy backed a 5 ton truck over somebody's tiny home back in 2016?"

Kevin:  "I heard something about that."

Me:  "Did you know Billy once smoked 'a few rats' out of an access tunnel and caused ratpocalypse at <Corporation name> during their 4th of July employee party?"

Kevin:  "I didn't hear about that one."

Me:  "Yes, it was like a reverse pied piper.  All the rats came up into the main hall and lobby of the engineering building, right in the middle of their party.  It was like The Masque of the Red Death."

Kevin:  "He didn't get fired?"

Me:  "No, I blamed it on the assholes over on the interior facilities side and erased all the footage from the accessway.  Not because I felt loyal to Billy, but because the idea of a building full of engineers being potentially exposed to bubonic plague amuses me and I feel it should be encouraged.  And since this is Arizona, that IS possible."

Kevin:  "SEE?"  *points at me*  "BAD GUY."

Me:  "This is how I get my happy thoughts, Kevin.  Everyone should have their happy thoughts.  That's what this great nation is all about."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 21, 2018, 08:53:31 pm
Things I said at work today:

"We do not hold chlorine tablets in our teeth while we work.  Why do I even have to say this?"

"There are no rats in the admin building.  We killed them all.  You have ghost rats."

"I don't worry about budgets, which is why my numbers are in the black.  You do everything on the cheap, which means you have to do it twice, which is why it's only June and you have no money.  So no, you can't have any of my money, because you obviously can't be trusted to spend it fast enough.  Now get out of my office, you penurious little mendicant, you're lowering my property values."

"No, boss, I won't be reasonable about this.  He's far too fiscally-responsible for me to feel charitable.  Now, if he'd blown his budget on new ranges or fryers or maybe some proper Goddamn air conditioning for his kitchen staff, I'd be willing to give up some of my capital expenditures budget, but he didn't...So he can just go ask Baby Jesus for more money.  Or the board.  He's probably better off with Jesus, because the board is pissed off just on account of the weather."

"The world of accounting is terrible and mysterious, Kevin, and it sometimes makes people cry."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 22, 2018, 03:09:04 pm
There is an artist Iím friends with who could probably do some kickass ghost rats
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 22, 2018, 09:04:58 pm
Kevin:  "My heroes have always been cowboys."

Me:  "MY heroes have always been BIG GAY COWBOYS."

Kevin:  "wat"

Me:  "Cowboys.  Like Steve Mcqueen or Jimmy Stuart or the Cisco Kid, only BIG and GAY."

Kevin:  "Why Gay?"

Me:  "Nobody ever asks me 'why big?'."

Kevin:  Ö

Me:  "The horse doesn't care if you're Gay, but it really cares if you're 6'5" and 310 pounds.  That would be a pain in the ass.  It would be like a Shriner cowboy."

Kevin:  "Stop."

Me:  "Your spurs would keep sticking in the dirt, so it would be like someone tagging the brakes every step and a half."

Nick:  "He's right you should stop."

Me:  "So, yeah, the horse is tired and the cowboy needs new boots and the whole time he's givin' you the hairy eyeball.  Which is like the regular eyeball, only he's got hair in places you didn't know you HAD places."

Kevin:  "JESUS FUCK BOSS STOP."

Nick:  "Wait.  Why are horse-abusing hairy eyeball people your heroes?"

Me:  "Because they save the children of Montana from great white sharks."

Kevin:  "Montana is land-locked."

Me:  "And so?  No coast guard, you GOTTA have BIG GAY COWBOYS."

Nick:  "THERE ARE NO SHARKS IN MONTANA."

Me:  "Well, not ANYMORE."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on June 23, 2018, 05:45:53 pm
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on June 24, 2018, 10:18:27 am
beautiful. :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2018, 02:00:53 am
Soooo...My boss asked to see my budget re-forecast.

Boss:  "Um, this is pretty dense stuff."

Me:  "You asked for a budget analysis and there it is.  4 spreadsheets and 20 pages of it.  One thing worth noting is that I am under-budget on employer burden and WAY over-budget on overtime, meaning that my headcount is wrong."

Boss:  "Where is that?"

Me:  "Spreadsheet one, page one, line items 1 & 3.  The analysis is in the text, section IIa."

Boss:  "Most people just add 3%."

Me:  "I'm not most people."

Boss:  "You don't say.  Can you just give me a summary?"

Me:  "Give me some more money you bastard."

Boss:  ...

Me:  "That's what it all comes down to, really.  Also, summaries just make people mad.  Look, you're mad right now."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2018, 01:22:49 am
So, the electrical bill split that was given to me in January seems to have no connection with reality, which I had noted at the time.  I was told to use it anyway.  Now the guy that told me to use it (boss's boss) says it's wrong and here's the correct one, oh and by the way I have 5 days to fix the enormous snaggle.

Completed 3 hours later, double checked and all the accountant group has to do is add or subtract a single number per account per month for 5 months.  Call it 30 minutes of work.

Controller:  "How the hell did you do this so fast?"

Me:  "My Excel-fu is strong.  It is in fact a 300 pound javelina and it's balls bounce on the floor."

*everyone stops and stares at me*

Me:  "Was that inappropriate?"

Princess Stephanie:  "Um."

Me:  "I just saved you 30 hours of double entry work."

Princess Stephanie: "Okay, the javelina thing is okay.  With the balls bouncing on the floor and whatnot."

Controller:  "Totally okay.  Now can you unfuck your labor numbers?"

Me:  "SHOW ME WHERE THE MIC IS AT."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2018, 10:09:52 pm
Quick conversation with Kathy, the world's second-scariest Russian.

Kathy:  "What did you do to my assistant?"

Me:  "Whatever do you mean?"

Kathy:  "Ever since she helped you guys with that water problem, she's been positively manic."

Me:  "Is that a bad thing?"

Kathy:  "No.  It's great.  She's twice as productive and she's interested in learning how everything works."

Me:  "Well, she caught fire.  She has learned the glory of knowing things and learning things and working with her brain instead of her boredom."

Kathy:  "Can you bottle that?"

Me:  "No, but I have a blowtorch in the shop and we can maybe use that on the general workforce."

Kathy:  "muhaha"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 10, 2018, 09:41:10 pm
Kevin:  "I don't get it.  The surlier we are, the more good press we get."

Me:  "It's simple, Kevin.  The public has an image of maintenance that they like to believe in.  We are grizzled old bastards with *just* the right amount of cheek.  We are like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, only there will be no singing whatsoever."

Kevin:  "That sounds unlikely."

Me:  "It is the plain and simple truth.  No matter what is in the package, if the box is colorful, they will like it.  You could pack a Hasbro box full of dog shit and people would line up around the block."

Kevin:  "That's cynical as hell."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "You just called me Billy."

Me:  "Different box, same shit.  Once you look past the packaging, people are remarkably fungible."

Kevin:  "How do you even get dressed in the morning?  You're completely bugshit."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true.  The graveyards are full of unique and irreplaceable people."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:03 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:20 am
Also, I have been accused of "weaponizing my budget."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 06:08:09 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.

*mischievious laughter ensues. I took it :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 17, 2018, 11:32:56 pm
Me:  "Goddammit, Kevin, I told you to do HVAC 38 first."

Kevin:  "But that is a huge issue and I could get the other 4 done in a morning."

Me:  "You don't understand.  I am not angry here.  Where is 38?"

Kevin:  "Over the admin area by the accountants...OH."

Me:  "You're damn skippy 'OH'.  You know what this means?"

Kevin: "Princess Stephanie is mad."

Me:  "She's not mad.  Just disappointed."

Kevin:  "Oh God no can't she be pissed off?"

Me:  "No, she said she understands."

Kevin:  "Noooooooooooo"

Me:  "You know what you have to do."

Kevin:  "Hari kari?"

Me:  "Pfffft.  Nobody gets off that easy.  You gotta go apologize to her."

Kevin:  "But she's gonna forgive at me until I die."

Me:  "Should have thought about THAT before disregarding my instructions.  Now get your ass in there and get forgiven.  You deserve it."