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Friends, I know that life can get you down sometimes.

Did you ever wonder why everyone you meet seems like an idiot?  Odd, isn't it? Especially when you know for a fact that you're an idiot yourself.  How do you learn to tolerate people who are EVEN STUPIDER than YOU?

Why is the world in such a mess?  Is there any hope for mankind?  Were we put here for a purpose, and if so, are we already running way behind schedule?  Does anything matter, and so what if it does?

If you're plagued with questions, I'm here to help.  What I have here will answer anything you ever wanted to know, relieve your doubts, and give your life new meaning.  All of life's mysteries will become crystal clear, thanks to...Oh, crap, what did I do with that thing?

Swear to Christ, it was RIGHT HERE.  Damn.  Maybe it's still in the car.

Let me get back to you on this.  Damn.

The term "empowered" itself indicates that the power in question has been gifted to or instilled in the empowered person by someone or something else, rather than something someone goes out and grabs for themselves.

Which only goes to show, you can run all you like from the monkey, but you're doing it on monkey legs.

http://www.independentsciencenews.org/science-media/the-goodman-affair-monsanto-targets-the-heart-of-science/

Ever wonder what the fuck these geeks are hiding?

I mean, if they are making a deliberate attempt to short-circuit the peer review process, they probably aren't doing it as a hobby.

I've always sort of laughed at the GMO food thing, but this is whacked.

http://investigations.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/10/16/20979593-a-real-nuclear-deterrent-us-russia-may-team-up-to-use-weapons-against-asteroids?lite

See the asteroid.

See the nuke hit the asteroid.

See the asteriod shatter.

See the bits "shotgun" the Earth, peeling off a chunk of the atmosphere, killing everyone.

WINNER!

http://schweikert.house.gov/press-releases/rep-schweikert-to-treasury-secretary-pursue-alternatives-to-debt-ceiling/

Basically, let's sell off all government land and pillage every existing piece of infrastructure.   

So, writing a letter to Congressman Shweikert.

Dear Congressman Shweikert,

I read with amusement your weird letter concerning the debt ceiling, and I have to say that weaseling now appears to be an olympic sport.  You speak as if Fannie May and Freddie Mac have actual cash to appropriate, and you speak as if that "forgotten money" weren't actually already being used to fund road building and social safety net programs.  While YOU may not be on food stamps, and I may not be on food stamps, a great many people are, mostly due to the sort of "leadership" that you and your fellow pilot fish have demonstrated since 1980 or so.

I could not help noticing that your solution did not involve ending the ruinous war in Afghanistan, nor did it mention the possibility of not purchasing the new aircraft carrier the Navy has on order.  While this may be prudent if we expect the ghost of Tojo to attack Pearl Harbor with a few squadrons of zombie kamikaze pilots, this is probably not the case in the real world in which I - and everyone I know - live.

Now, I realize just how important the war in Afghanistan is to you and your colleagues.  Why, if the wrong people wound up controlling the poppy fields, we'd have cats and dogs fucking in the very streets.  We would be watching our nation's youth strung out on horse they bought from the wrong bad guys.  And we just can't have that.

As I sit typing this, there remains just over 24 hours before the deadline passes and everything goes in the crapper.  Yet, instead of, you know, doing your job, you are continuing the 2 year fucking temper-tantrum that you fat bastards have been indulging yourselves in ever since you oozed your way into the house.  You are bad for America.  You are bad for Americans.  You are a disgrace, and it pains me to notice that you and your pals haven't tumbled to the fact that we, the people of America, hate your filthy stinking guts, and we hope you all get pancreatic cancer.  The sneaky kind that doesn't become symptomatic until it's too late, and your posh congressional health care plan can't help you.

I really, honestly, cannot describe my yearning for the next election, when we can toss you out on your useless asses.  Even the Red Chinese are laughing at us, you fat sack of lard.  You and people like you are why America is KNEELING TALL.

I hate you.  My whole family hates you.  You bring us together.

And that's all you're good for.

Venomously Yours,
Hamish Howl

http://www.today.com/news/outcry-over-students-punishment-helping-drunk-friend-8C11403079

The suspension of a star high school volleyball player in Massachusetts for what she says was simply helping a friend by serving as a designated driver has created an outcry on social media.

Erin Cox, 17, was stripped of her title as team captain and suspended for five games at North Andover (Mass.) High School after arriving to pick up a friend right as the police arrived at a party where a dozen teens were arrested for underage drinking. A police officer on the scene told Cox's attorney that she was not drinking and provided a written statement vouching for Cox.

"The police officer confirmed to me what I had been told by Erin's mom, which is that he saw Erin at the party, that he was standing next to her, that she was perfectly sober, (and) she didn't even have the slightest odor of alcohol,'' attorney Wendy Murphy told TODAY Wednesday.

Despite the officer's statement that Cox was not drinking, her high school benched the honors student from the volleyball team and took away her status as captain. The North Andover School district issued a statement saying it would not comment on matters involving student discipline, and added that it applied statewide rules that prohibit "student-athletes from possessing alcohol, in addition to prohibiting its use, consumption, or distribution."

Apparently, going to a party to get a drunk friend and take them home equals "possessing alcohol".

When I was a kid, the police and the schools were BEGGING people to call designated drivers.  After this, are kids going to be more or less likely to help out?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhko3m7D6UA

Look at this guy.



That's 169% Scotsman.  Now, while Scotsmen are normally a blight on all that is good and right, there are certain times that they are indispensible.  This is why I give P3NT a little breathing room when he makes comments about "faithfools"...After all, one soldier knows another.  And while I have no idea if P3NT has ever done any soldiering, it was HIS kind that got pressed into service in WWII, so fucking mad about having their day interrupted that they kicked Rommel and his DAK right in the fucking teeth, all up and down North Africa.

Then they went to Sicily, Italy, France, Germany, etc, jabbing bayonets in people because the Germans at the time just COULDN'T FUCKING BEHAVE, which seriously cut into the drinking time of Scotsmen, and incidentally kept them from fighting their REAL enemy (other Scotsmen).

Then they'd go home, see, and there'd be this awful *WHIZZZZ-BANG*, and they'd explode all over the streets of Aberdeen or Glasgow or whatever, making the Hell's Angels look plain silly.  No, there were no leather uniforms for these assholes.  They'd just walk up and introduce themselves by glassing you.  It wasn't anything personal, mind you, it was just that the hereditary reiver gene got activated, and they need to pillage and maim SOMEONE.  That someone just happened to be you.  Blame Germany...Scotland had just finally settled down, after all, and the Germans just HAD to fuck with a good thing.

So, yeah.  That's P3NT Face.  The look that says, "We're still a little anxious over here.  You should come visit."

Don't do it.  It's a trap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wWLhrHVySgA

I don't.

When Mylie Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music."

When I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot."

Post ITT with what you want translated.  Be sure to mention if it's English-to-European or vice-versa, or I cannot be held responsible for any unfortunate misunderstandings.  Also, the precise location in Europe or North America, if given, will make the translation more accurate.

This is primarily so that people visiting one side of the pond or the other will not be tripped up by the nuances of each dialect.  I offer this out of pure civic-mindedness and goodwill.

ETA:  Be advised, I will not be using the LANGUAGE of the area in question, but rather the concept.  Then just run it through google translator to put it in the language in question.

Dear Coyote,

You, sir, are a treacherous jabbering pimp that should be given the bastinado and deported.  Preferably to some "rendition" camp in some Godawful 3rd world shithole.  Like Vancouver.  We've had it up to HERE with your shenanigans, your unsanctioned & unlicensed RPG abuse, and your filthy and all-too-public tika masala habit.

You are a menace to our way of life.  You inspire communism in our young people.  You openly admire terrorists and tell people that it's okay to have red hair.  And don't think we don't know about your disgusting gearbox-porn addiction.  Impressionable people all over America have had their junk torn off by rotating parts, and it's YOUR FAULT.

Get out.  Just grab your Goddamn pull-start cappacino thingie and get out.

Yours truly,
A Concerned American. 

What's the matter, Bunky?  You say your Discordia fell flat?  You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you?  And not in the good way?  You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?

Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™.  DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it?  No, you think just fine. 

What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame.  Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior?  That's not the Western way.  Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor.  Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor.  You're special.  You must be.  You're the main character, after all.  So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?

Compare our low rates and high value to the competition.  President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons.  Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010.  Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted.  Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.

No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs.  Give us a call.  Gamble a stamp.  DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON.  Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.

All major credit cards accepted.  Act now!  Quantities are limited.  Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/french

P3NT loses his shit.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/10/11/20922413-air-force-general-in-charge-of-nuclear-weapons-removed-for-lack-of-trust-defense-officials?lite

You will notice at the bottom that this is the second person in this type of position fired, although the other guy, they at least had an excuse.

Note that I didn't say "arranged", I said "forced".

http://photoblog.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/10/11/20898621-too-young-to-wed-indian-girls-say-no-to-forced-marriage?lite

My question is, should arranged marriages be legal before a person can legally make their own decisions under law?  To me, that seems to be the exact same thing as a forced marriage, legally-speaking.

Waffle and Alty in a UKELELE SHOWDOWN...TO THE DEATH!

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!

Original OP moved to a better neighborhood.

I've been looking around, and it has become plain as day that Punk is dead.  Dead dead.  Triceratops dead.  It has about as much to say as jazz, and jazz hasn't had anything to say since the 1940s.  What does Punk have to say, these days?  Even Green Day seems palatable next to current Punk.  In fact, with the exception of MSI, there IS no Punk (and MSI *is* punk, lower case p, even if they have made money off of it, and even if I can understand the lyrics, so shut up).

And I think this may be why you're having trouble with keeping momentum with your band.  You're playing music from the last century, while trying to pretend to be relevant.  There's nothing really hard about that concept.  If you want a band to stay together, you need people to be into it, and if you want them to be into it, it has to excite them.

And there's nothing really exciting about Punk anymore, just like there's nothing exciting about Rave (and the only thing that could ever be said about THAT is that it killed undanceable guitar misery), and there's certainly nothing exciting about the blues, anymore.

So maybe you have to, you know, do something new. 

Just something to chew on,
TGRR

All roads lead TO Rome, but what most people don't know is that all roads lead FROM Tucson, Holiest™ City of this here full-contact death cult.  Thing is, people occasionally travel the WRONG WAY on that road, and BAM!  They're stuck here.  With me and 1.1 million of my fellow inmates.  And nobody watching.

It's like a prison-girls exploitation film, except the warden isn't the bad guy, he's paralyzed with fear in the City Center, afraid to leave his office or even answer the phone.  He thought being MAYOR of TUCSON would be EASY...Apparently never having watched what happened to Mayor Walkup; the insane descent into alcoholism and madness, the weird behavior, wandering around the city all night, vomiting on things.  Sucker.  Research pays, kids.

No, the best thing about the city is that there is no bad guy.  It's just a place where bad things happen to good people, and no explanation is given or even asked for.  Sound familiar?  It should.  In fact, the main difference between Tucson and YOUR city is that we know we're doomed.  And we don't let it get in the way of having a good time.  Every time one of us passes out on the neighbor's lawn, an angel gets its wings.

What's really funny is that due to the city being broke, the county now has to do most of our policing (they're broke, too, but they get more federal funding).  The sheriff's deputies are NOT happy about this, even though they tend to get shot less often while in the city.  Being shot, apparently, is preferable to answering calls in a city where perversions are normal and business disputes sometimes result in chlorine gas attacks¹.  It's just too weird, they say, and they'd like to get back to being shot by smugglers out in the desert.

Even our tea party geeks sort of gave up and went home.  Turns out that even they are smart enough to NOT WANT TO BE IN CHARGE.  I mean, in MOST cities, people steal pickup trucks.  Here, we steal just the tail gates².  WTF?  Lazy Goddamn criminals. 

Also, everyone in the damn city is packing, and most of us spend all day walking around with the sun beating down on our skulls.  That's a great combo.

More later.



¹ True story.  http://azstarnet.com/news/local/crime/tucson-businessman-arrested-in-chlorine-gas-attack/article_d91158d6-7da4-11e0-b3ac-001cc4c002e0.html

² http://downtowntucson.tucsonnewsnow.com/news/news/195653-unusual-crime-rise-around-tucson

Got me another email weirdo.  Spelling corrected for basic legibility.

Do you have a literary agent?  I've written thousands but I have been blacklisted for my work for Palestine.  Whenever I send a manuscript in, the Jews say it doesn't fit their needs.

I immediately suspected that Zach Spier was having me on...He is a friend of Nigel's and is therefore irresponsible and probably insane.  However, it turns out that whomever it is, he is posting from upstate New York.  So I respond:

I am sorry to hear that the Jews have blocked your literary efforts.  I had the same problem until I hired ee cummings as my literary agent and Martin Bormann as my editor.  Since then, the Jew publishers live in abject fear of me, and publish anything I send them.  Last week, as a joke, I sent them a copy of the yellow pages, and they wrote me a letter gushing about the subtle plot of my novel.  I would send you my agent and editor's contact information, but I am having great success with them, and I do not wish their services to be employed by you, my competitor.

Waiting for response.

The local writer's group has thrown me out for behavior that - while justified - was considered beyond polite or even marginally civilized.  No big loss.

The game shop crowd has changed, and I don't really fit.  The King Hell coffee shop has closed.  The Grill has closed.  Hotel Congress has been overrun by hipsters.  The Meetrack is a pale shadow of its former glory, and is now more or less a rather dismal theme bar.

Of course, the problem isn't actually Tucson, the problem is me.  I haven't been going out and doing NEW things (with the exception of the tech geek place, and they're not sure what to make of me), and so my social circles are contracting, as one crowd after another dries up.

So I need to do some new shit, meet some new people.  Problem is, Tucson is full of special interest-type groups (rock hounds, etc), most of which fail to interest me in the slightest. 

So I need to find some more Tucson.  I'm thinking of trying the art scene, if I can find a way to figure out where the gallery openings, etc, will be (they only advertise AFTERWARD, which is fairly puzzling).  The added benefit of this is that I need an obnoxious sculpture of some kind for the front yard.

Sit on Dirty Old Uncle Roger's lap and tell me what you're sorry for.

http://www.nbcnews.com/science/archaeologists-uncover-scene-horror-swedish-pompeii-8C11338658

I will be following this with interest.

Makes my hair stand up on end.  Bodies everywhere, nobody buried, the place was NEVER LOOTED.

If yours has expired or simply isn't doing the job anymore, post ITT for a new one.

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?   

 

 

Good night, Mr Odd Couple Man.

...But one thing that does set me off is when people are treated as objects, as less than people.  This is why I have so much fun slapping Brother Nihil around, for example...To him, women and minorities are animals. 

But it's not always that blatant.  Sometimes it's a bit more subtle...You've heard "you're just pixels on a screen" or "You are merely my entertainment" from people on the internet.  It's dehumanizing.  You have been reduced to an object in that person's eyes.

Those are both active forms of dehumanization.  The passive form is to merely refuse to acknowledge someone's existence.  That's not really okay, even if you hate the person...Not because I feel you should be all touchy-feely with people you hate, but because it damages YOU when you do it. 

Three examples:

1.  John tells Deborah, "You're nothing but a whore."  Active.

2.  Janet tells Lisa, "I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you."

3.  Bob says hello to Sam on the way into the office.  Sam hears him, but ignores him and keeps on walking.

Funny thing is, #3 is the least blatant, yet most offensive of the bunch.  The first two, the active ones, at least address the person in question.  The third tells Bob that he is completely beneath notice.  The first two can happen due to butthurt (though that's no excuse for #1, at least), but the 3rd, the passive form, only happens out of malice.  Malice with the intent to humiliate.

And the one thing that redeems this miserable excuse for a death cult is this:  We treat people like people, not like animals or furniture.  At least most of the time.

Or Kill Me.

http://nbcpolitics.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/10/03/20805397-shots-fired-at-uscapitol-female-suspect-killed?lite

Aliens 33 light years away are now enjoying Three's Company.

In another 33 years, I think things might get...interesting at SETI.

My Hate is a truck.  One of those big ore-hauler things, the kind that have the cab on the wrong side, and run over pickup trucks when dumbshits forget to drive on the left at the mines.  And it's growing.  My hate is a mansion with many rooms...Sort of like God, only I can't do all the cool shit he/she could do, if he/she could be BOTHERED to send a proper smiting around.

Yes, it grows.  It has pretty much grown to include everyone I don't interact with, and many of the people that DO interact with me.  Stupid fucking humans.  Give them a republic, they shut the fucking thing down.  Give them the interbutts, they treat it like television.  Give them a nice planet to live on, they breed like flies and turn it into a toxic waste dump.  Give them a dance floor, they sit at the bar.

I've had it up to HERE with You People.  You make NO SENSE.  You make me want to PUKE MY INTESTINES OUT.  Fucking staring zombies, the lot of you.  Are you simian?  Do you have opposable thumbs?  Have you traded your VERY SOUL for the RIGHT to SIT THERE LIKE A COW FLOP?

Well, FUCK YOU.  Fuck your stupid Goddamn F350 pickup trucks that take up 3 spaces.  Fuck your inability to use a fucking turn signal.  Fuck your complacency, your sleepy laziness, your willingness to be FUCKED by The Machine™, so long as you can STARE AT THINGS ALL DAY.  Fuck your game console, fuck your petty authority, fuck your WILLINGNESS TO SUBMIT to petty authority.

Fuck your petty, mewling, TINY hates.  Fuck your New And Acceptable Racism™, fuck your sneering at "welfare queens", fuck your casual acceptance of a new aristocracy.  Fuck your weak-ass "rebellion", fuck you for forgetting that we're STILL AT WAR in Afghanistan for NO REASON.  Fuck your partisan politics, fuck your willingness to CHANGE SIDES ON EVERY ISSUE, whenever the "two" parties shuffle around a bit in Washington.  Or London.  Or whatever.

I fucking hate you.  All of you.  All 7.23 billion of you stinking, slack-jawed primates.

I can hear it now..."I am a superior mutant!"  Really?  Whatcha done with that?  How's that working out for you?  Maybe 1% of the general population actually DOES things, and EVERYONE likes to think they're in that 1%.  But there's a 99% chance that anyone reading this is NOT in that 1%, isn't there? 

If I had MY way, I'd toss the whole fucking bunch of you into the llama pit, and walk away whistling.

Venomously yours,
TGRR

So, yeah.  Lost weight big time, switched from smokes to an e-cig, I haven't had a drop to drink in 11 months, and I feel pretty damn good.  Physically.  Now that I don't have half the anxiety and discomfort caused by being a fat boozer with his lungs full of asphalt, I feel something is missing, like something happened and now my life is FLAT and SHRINK-WRAPPED.  I have an urge to do something grotesque before I die. 

But what?  Most of the funny old schticks, like hassling the concierge ("SEND UP TWO MIDGETS AND A THROW PILLOW!") have been done, and doing them again would be kinda stale and pathetic.  Same goes for hipster photo safaris, joining the teabaggers to death, etc. 

In short, I need something NEW.  Something that isn't just a replay of past glories, or a thinly-veiled repeat of the same.  I need to monster people, but I don't have any idea what the hell to do.  For once, I am out of ideas.  It's all gone stale, which is probably why we now have the user base of, say, Myspace holdouts.

So, while I figure out what I WILL do, I am also going to decide what I am NOT going to do anymore.  I'm not going to spend hours per day here as I have for the last decade.  Not because I'm butthurt or anything, but because spewing a rant that gets maybe 1-2 responses - at best - for the last 6 months has more or less taken the wind out of my sails.  And without any interaction, I've...Well, I've run out of things to say.  Note that this doesn't apply to LDW.  That continues.

I'm not going to do any more whiskey-fueled rampages.  I find that I enjoy sobriety far more than drunkeness.  Same thing goes for cactus, with the other added benefit of, you know, not eating lizards in the back yard.

Lastly, I'm not going to do much more in the way of Facebook.  The "suggested post" ad feature drives me fucking buggy.

I DO plan to do a letter-writing binge starting in the next couple of weeks.  I'll post a sign up roster later on.

I DON'T plan on playing CIV5 ever again.  Fucking thing ate my life.

I am also trying to find a decent writer's board that I can access from work.  I want to do more serious writing, and I'm the kind of guy that needs feedback...Which I do not get at the local IRL writer's group (I am not writing SRS LITCHACHAW, and when that fuckbat in the bow tie sneered at me for not trying to be the next F Scott Fitzgerald...Well, let's just say that I'm not welcome there anymore) or anywhere else that I know of at the moment, including here.

Now, I'm not hating on anyone.  I'm just telling it like it is.  This place has become anemic.  It's been 3 years since we DID anything, and 6 months since there was a monster-ass thread that wasn't about drugs, etc.  So while I'm not flouncing (I'll be around, I just won't be attempting any more CPR), I am reassigning priorities IRL and on the interbutts, and this is one of them.

Lastly, I will not be allowing myself to get upset about this job anymore.  Life's too fucking short. 

Or Kill Me.

 

Yeah, he was a winger, but he wrote some fun stories.

I'm through with regging online to boards I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
Quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a shitty apartment on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play ballpipe in
And a king size keg
Big enough for ten spags plus me
(Yeah, so what you need?)

I need a PM box that's got no limit
And a tablet with a MS paint loaded in it
Gonna join the WOMP Cabal
with thirty-seven thousand pics
(Two girls, one cup)

I want a new subforum full of old regulars
My own admin button on my tool bar
Somewhere between ECH
And LMNO is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this account
For Spags and fame
I'd even cut my post count
And change my user name

'Cause we all just wanna be great big spags
And live in portland or Boston, going to Gay bars
The trolls come easy and the wifi comes cheap
We'll all stay stupid 'cause we just won't sleep

And we'll hang out in the Gayest bars
With the Frost Heaves and the other retards
Every good internet troll's gonna wind up there
Every angry feminist with her deadly stare

And well, hey, hey, I wanna be a Discordian
Hey, hey, I wanna be a Discordian

I wanna be great like Nixon without the hassels
Hire ECH and Richter who love to beat up assholes
Spout a rant or two
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quinoa, ha, ha)

I'm gonna dress my ass with in the 80s fashion
Get a front door key to TGRR's mansion
Gonna date a psychotic that loves
Her collection of teeth
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this account
For Spags and fame
I'd even cut my post count
And change my user name

'Cause we all just wanna be great big spags
And live in portland or Boston, going to Gay bars
The trolls come easy and the wifi comes cheap
We'll all stay stupid 'cause we just won't sleep

And we'll hang out in the Gayest bars
With the Frost Heaves and the other retards
Every good internet troll's gonna wind up there
Every angry feminist with her deadly stare

And we'll hide out in the chat rooms
With the latest dictionary of today's who's online
They'll get you anything with that dumbass smile
Everybody's got a 'frop dealer on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a Discordian

I'm gonna screech those rants that offend the censors
Gonna pop PILLS HERE from a Pez dispenser
Get bald-headed jackasses writin' all my rants
Shout 'em every night til I shit my pants...

I'm gonna trade this account
For Spags and fame
I'd even cut my post count
And change my user name

'Cause we all just wanna be great big spags
And live in portland or Boston, going to Gay bars
The trolls come easy and the wifi comes cheap
We'll all stay stupid 'cause we just won't sleep

And we'll hang out in the Gayest bars
With the Frost Heaves and the other retards
Every good internet troll's gonna wind up there
Every angry feminist with her deadly stare

And we'll hide out in the chat rooms
With the latest dictionary of today's who's online
They'll get you anything with that dumbass smile
Everybody's got a 'frop dealer on speed dial

Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a Discordian
Hey, hey, I wanna be a Discordian

(Not sorry.)

Ever know anyone with a comb-over?  You know, the cringetastic thing some folks do when they start to go bald, and they grow the hair on the sides really long and then comb it over their pate, thinking they're fooling anyone?  Did you ever just want to grab them and scream "JUST SHAVE YOUR HEAD!"?

But when you think about it, everyone has that comb-over in some sense.  There's something about a person that they don't like, or that they perceive as a weakness or social fault, and they do something even MORE ridiculous to try to cover it up?  Everyone, EVERYONE, does this to one degree or another.  Maybe you're shy, so you act in a condescending manner.  Maybe you THINK you only have ONE thing going for you, so you wrap yourself up tight in it, and then sneer at everyone who doesn't also have that thing (money, an education, a talent, whatever, doesn't matter what).

And here you are, screaming at the guy with the VISIBLE comb-over (or wanting to, at any rate).  Funny, eh?

Now, don't get me wrong...There's nothing wrong with being PROUD of that one thing, but shouldn't you be more than that one thing?  Should it BOTHER you, may I ask, that your assessment of other people is based on that ONE thing?  Because if you step outside of yourself for a minute and LOOK at what you're doing and how you're acting...Well, do you really want to be THAT guy?

The one really neat thing about this here half-ass death cult is that we mostly tend to judge people on who they are as a person...Not their social skills or their education or their wealth, etc, but whether they can stand upright in the face of their own worst instincts.

So, you know, shave that head, and STRIDE BOLDLY FORTH IN A GLORIOUS NEW AND SHINY-TOPPED FUTURE, WITH NO RIDICULOUS 'DO!

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

Or Kill Me.

...TO LAY DOWN SOME WRATH.

First:  A man complaining about an abusive marriage is different from a woman complaining about an abusive marriage...HOW, exactly?  If a woman complains that her husband is treating her like a doorstop, we all express anger and indignation that such a person (the husband) is permitted to occupy the planet.  If a man complains, then he's a sissy or he's airing dirty laundry or whatever.  DOUBLE STANDARD.

Second:  A lot of people are walking around right now, looking for reasons to be PISSED OFF.  While I can sympathize with this in principle, there's one thing to consider:  If you're not part of the actual problem, getting all pissed off about it to show solidarity doesn't always help.  If one person is being a complete shit, fine.  However, if it turns out that there was a misunderstanding or someone merely spoke out of turn, every person joining in makes the situation that much fucking worse, and that much harder for EITHER side to stop.  Showing SUPPORT is one thing; actively jumping in the mosh pit is another thing entirely.

Third:  An unpleasant truth is not an insult.  Wear a hat.

Fourth:  There are a few people around here who are considered somehow to be invincible, emotionally...Or that somehow just don't count in that sort of equation.  People who "can handle themselves" and don't need backup.  Or can be slammed on at will, because they're "tough enough to take it".  This happens to me once in a while, and let me tell you that it's fucking BULLSHIT. Even if they WERE that tough, it's still BULLSHIT.  I am speaking specifically about Nigel, LMNO, and Alty, here.  All 3 on the receiving end.

Fifth:  Taking sides is exactly that.  TAKING SIDES.  You may as well run out and be a fucking democrat or a teabagger or something.

All of You People need to get the sand out of your crack and act like bipeds.   YOU MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE. 

I see a need for penance, here.  If you are guilty of this shit, speak up now and take your medicine.  If you don't think you're guilty, you can just enjoy your eternity in Normal Hell (the boring one).  It's your soul, you do whatcha want.

Or Kill Me.

http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/09/25/3649864/driver-who-killed-girl-had-revoked.html

LAKE WORTH, Fla. -- Sheriff's officials say a man whose pickup truck struck and killed a 3-year-old girl who was walking on a sidewalk with a family friend has been arrested 56 times.

The Palm Beach Post (bit.ly/16FGY2L ) reports the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office is trying to determine whether 56-year-old Steven Barnes was impaired or had a medical issue when he hit Priscila Perez Gaspar on Monday afternoon.

Officials say Barnes' license was permanently revoked in 1996 and he has six arrests for drunk driving.

Okay, as promised, here are the first stage of my notes for the next leg of the campaign...A haunted town by the name of Grudge Hollow.  I will be adding to this as the days go by.

http://www.alternet.org/belief/10-most-absurd-sex-tips-christian-right?page=0%2C2&paging=off



Oh, American Christianity and your amazing sex/love advice!  Pat Robertson is EXACTLY the guy I turn to when things just aren't going right, if you know what I mean.

...And I think you do.

Feminists will particularly like this one.  And by "like", I mean

I have a cig that they've dug all the gunk out of.  It's full of electronic future goodness.  I can enjoy food and lose weight like a fucking boss.  I don't have food pills (ugh!), but I do have PILLS pills.  I am now hanging out with people who made a 3D printer with which to make a BETTER 3D printer (out of scrap, in a warehouse cave), and are now working on some prototype 3D SCANNER, if ya can believe that.

How could this be anything but the future?  I need stompy boots.

[This isn't for your personal fucking life.]

This isn't for your personal fucking life.  This is for good news from the news, which is rarer than Goddamn hen's teeth.

I'll start:

http://www.nbcnews.com/health/one-third-drop-new-aids-infections-un-report-4B11233763

You know WHY the drug threads and the anarchy threads and copyright and MAHDJIGQUE and now that fascism thread all go fucking haywire out to 300 pages with everyone saying the SAME THING, OVER AND OVER?  You know why?

Because WE are stuck in the mental trap of HAVING TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT.

Whether through SGitR syndrome or because we feel the need to SHOW THEM A THING OR TWO, we are COMPELLED to TELL THEM WHAT.  Despite years of evidence showing that it DOES NO GOOD.

And we keep doing it.

So much for "the learning man".

It also occurs to me that there is a CURE for this syndrome, brothers and sisters!  A MIRACLE CURE!  And it's SO EASY!  All you have to do is...

SHUT UP

That's right!  Stop trying to show DUMBASSES the One True Way™ and stop trying to make the willfully ignorant SEE YOUR POINT.  Just STOP.  You can't help.  You can't make them better.  They have dug their heels in right up to their fucking hips and they are trying to tell YOU what.  It's a pack of howler monkeys all screeching past each other, each monkey convinced HE/SHE is RIGHT and the OTHER GUY is WRONG.

So there you have it.  Shut up, and watch them march off the cliff for your amusement.

That's all there is to it.

Shut up.

Or Kill Me.

Somebody give me the Goddamn mic, 'cause I gotta spew!  I'm just trying to get by.  I'm just tryin' to tell you my story.  I was just saying with Little Orange and Hell in a Dry Place and Life During Wartime what the real deal is, you know, only wrapped up in allegory.  ECH tried to explain that shit YEARS AGO, and now he has a brand new butthole...So I wasn't wanting to just COME OUT AND SAY IT.  No.  This is not my first barbeque.  I am a GODDAMN PROFESSIONAL HOLY MAN™, and maybe that's why all of this shit seems OBVIOUS TO ME.

WHAT IS THE LAW?
Thou shalt have Slack™.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Thou art here to have a good time.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Thou shall not stand next to Richter at the Punk Show.

I mean, it's not rocket science, is it?  It's just cruising with the top down, even if your car's top wasn't designed to go down - that's why God gave us Sawzalls - screaming and spraying spittle at random pedestrians and other vehicles.  Remember that scene in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, where Arthur Acosta is screaming gibberish at the convention-going cops and their wives?  "I JUST GOT BACK FROM VIETNAM, HA HA HA SOB HORK PUKE!"?  Remember that shit?  That, RIGHT THERE, is how you handle the Pinks and the jerks and the lawyers and the cheap fixers.

WHAT IS THE LAW?
Cramulus isn't allowed on a unicycle.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Nigel will fuck you up.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Thou shall not test the Cain.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like Don Sutherland in the second-to-last scene in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, as all the other heroes are finally unable to stay awake any longer.  And isn't that what's happening here?  Everyone got busy.  Everyone dropped their Slack™ and tried to grab the brass ring.  Everyone still staggers in here every day, maybe to convince themselves that they're still Discordians™ even if they have to slave for The Machine™, but then they just wait to be entertained. 

WHAT IS THE LAW?
Cainad is dead.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Payne was always dead.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Thou shalt not Cram Remington's Gram.

I'm just trying to get a little sleep.  I'm just trying to catch my damn breath, you know?  I'm just trying to have a little fun out here at the edge of the universe, where the shit-blizzard of failure never stops and people pound on your door all night screaming mental shit about How It All Went Wrong, and where people keep harrassing the Mormons, just because they STOPPED MOVING.  I'm just trying to MAKE SOME SENSE OF IT ALL, in a world in which it is PATENTLY OBVIOUS that God is SICK because if he created US 6000 years ago, HE ALSO CREATED HUMAN-SPECIFIC PUBIC LICE, and why the hell would he do THAT?

WHAT IS THE LAW?
Thou shall not smack my bitch up.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
Roger will not upper deck the undeserving.
WHAT IS THE LAW?
There is no law.

OR KILL ME.

http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/09/19/20576654-tourists-trapped-in-acapulco-amid-looting-dozens-likely-dead-after-landslide?lite

...Is it really has made me a better person.  I don't sit by, anymore, when people say and do fucked up things to other people, even if the affected people aren't present.  I don't tolerate it on principle, not because of societal expectation.

I'd put this down to a few things.  First, the company of people who do not tolerate that sort of shit.  This is, for someone living in Arizona, kind of refreshing.

Second, the practice of forcing myself to see the world the way it IS, and not to accept excuses or truisms (this would include the heel-digging/primate shit).  Example:  Some people tend to see a disproportionate number of Blacks in prison as proof that Blacks are by nature criminals.  That in itself is offensive, but the REALLY offensive part (privilege about to speak here) is that it's incorrect.  It does not fit the facts, if all the facts are considered.

Third, I have a fairly high standard for the sort of posters I take seriously.  And if I'm going to hold other people to that standard, then I guess I pretty much have to hold myself to that standard, don't I?

Lastly - and I think this is the most important bit - I have gotten used to accepting when I'm wrong, and altering my worldview to accomodate the new information accordingly.  As such, I expect others to do so, and I reserve teh majority of my respect and esteem for those that can.  So when someone starts spouting misogynistic or racist tripe, I tend to write them off, which means I have no problem dumping on them.

Just a few observations, so SHUT UP.

Or Kill Me

Did the llamas get him?