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Netaungrot the Farrago is everything you wish to be

lol schism.

I'll say for the record: Hugh, Roger, Turd, LMNO, Horab, and Verthaine are all wicked dues.

DON'T MAKE ME PICK SIDES

INTERVIEW WITH TEDDY ROOSEVELT & THE ROUGH RIDERS (part 1 of 3)
taken from the Art section of the Mungojerry Chronicle

LAWRENCE FITZGERALD DEHAVELUND, MUSIC EDITOR FOR THE MUNGOJERRY CHRONICLE: I,Äôm talking with the enigmatic, eccentric, and controversial new band, Teddy Roosevelt and the Rough Riders. The band,Äôs critics define it as a highly bebop-, hard bop-, and psychedelic influenced progressive rock band. Although they heavily embrace their bop, acid, and prog roots, they prefer the term ,ÄúDiscordian Theocratic Genre Terrorist,Äù

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: We also prefer the term ,Äúmilitant Anarcho-Extropian music-related commune,Äù to ,Äúband,Äù

LAWRENCE: I,Äôm sitting heir in their heavily fortified top-secret bunker that has a decorative style that,Äôs part Ken Kesey, part Havey Pekar. In front of me, from left to right, is the band,Äôs manager, Chaplin Sinatra Fonzarelli Roosevelt, the lead singer and guitarist Teddy Roosevelt, the  pianist Deloris Petunia Zoloft Roosevelt, blind blues-harp player, Jefferson ,ÄúJeffmo,Äù Roosevelt,Äù, saxaphonist Rip Delahouse Roosevelt, and his all-girl brass band, drummer and sagely brash and Bachanalean German death metal artist Newin Z?§r Roosevelt, authentic Appalachian broom-player Zeke Dweezil Roosevelt, the three-man Mariachi band, ,ÄúLos Paranois,Äù, half-French, half-Japanese lesbian furry otaku DJ Akiko LaChaise Roosevelt, and local established gospel band Reverend X and the Almost Saved Boys.
        First off, what,Äôs with the name? Kind of patriarchal, don,Äôt you think?

SINATRA: Well, we,Äôre doing to this city and this city,Äôs music scene what the U.S. is doing to Latin America and the Middle East. The Discordian Society in all of it,Äôs incarnations has declared war on the city of Harrisonburg. We are invading local venues and playing our music whether people want us to or not. We are raping the women and stealing the land of your mind. The Discordian Society,Äôs smallpox blankets are called ,ÄúOperation Mindfuck,Äù. We will force our way of thinking on you. Well, ,Äúforce on you,Äù is a bit hyperbolic. We will merely make our way of life known, which will force you to come to terms with how right we are.

DELORIS: Oh, Fonz is a pompous bag of shit. Like all good band names, we chose it because it sounds cool.

AKIKO: Yeah, do you think ,ÄúThe Beatles,Äù or ,ÄúPink Floyd,Äù or ,ÄúThe Who,Äù means anything?

DELORIS: Or ,ÄúBig Brother in the Holding Company,Äù or ,ÄúBand of Gypsies,Äù or ,ÄúMothers of Invention,Äù?

AKIKO: The more meaningless the name, the better. ,ÄúBlonde Redhead,Äù is going to be around for a long time not only because they,Äôre talented and because they have a good sound but also because their name conveys nothing but a crude basic irony. It,Äôs like a mondo, the more you think about it, the less sense it makes, but the more sense you feel it should make.

LAWRENCE: So why so many Roosevelts?

TEDDY: Nepotism.

LAWRENCE: And what are some of your influences?

TEDDY: Rather than highlight some of the hundreds of more well-known influences stewing in the blender of our brains, I,Äôll name some local artists that have inspired us; the music of Terry Turtle, Steve Speakman, Virginia Jihad, Red River Rollercoaster, and Mike Deaton, the plays of Tom King and Jay Zehr, the paintings of Wes Way, Sean Landis, and Lyn Lo, the writing of Billy Brett and Quiet T. Please, the productions put on by The Playhouse, the comedy of Nickels and Wiener, the community work of Rev. Ron Copeland, and the story-telling of Maude Senger. Oh, and of course Snuffy Smith by John Rose.

LAWRENCE: OK, I,Äôve never heard of any of those people. Moving on, care to explain this Discordian thing to those not hip?

SINATRA: It,Äôs Christianity if the four gospels were written by Groucho, Harpo, Cheeko, and Zeppo. It,Äôs Buddhism if The Buddha was Andy Kaufman. It,Äôs Taoism if Lao-Tsu was Lewis Carroll. It,Äôs Polytheism in the Gods were the Muppets, Judaism if the old prophets were the Goons, the Bonzo Dog Dooh-Dah Band, and Monty Python, Marxism-Leninism if you mean Groucho and John, the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn if it was founded by Firesign Theatre, and Islam if the Archangel Gabriel talked to Bugs Bunny. We believe there,Äôs nothing that can,Äôt be accomplished with a complete and total lack of seriousness or maturity. But there,Äôs more to it than that. Google ,ÄúPrincipia Discordia,Äù if you,Äôre psychotic enough for this to intrigue you.

LAWRENCE: This next question is for the good reverend. Is there any significance behind your name and the name of your band?

REV. X: I named myself ,ÄúReverend X,Äù to show that Jesus can still be cool. You know, there all of these ,ÄúX,Äù games with all of these kids bouncing off little cement ramps, why can,Äôt I be Rev. X, you know? It gives me a bit of mystery. And we,Äôre the Almost Saved because the Bible clearly tells us to be humble and to be good for the sake of being good, not out of pride. I think anyone who thinks they aren,Äôt going to hell probably is.

LAWRENCE: And you, a devout Christian, find no contradiction in being closely associated with a group of musicians who have been known for excessive promiscuous sex, with both genders, sexual deviation, revelry, psychoactive drug use, radical Left-wing politics, Pagan god worship, witchcraft, theft, vandalism, disobedience, and mischief?

REV. X: (laughter) We are all imperfect children of the Lord. My friendship with these ladies and gentlemen is based on our shared passion for the craft of music.

SINATRA: Yeah, when I assembled this band, I really wanted that authentic gospel sound. I don,Äôt think anyone can make it other then a sincere Christian. I think the Holy Ghost needs to enter you, like up the ass, like it,Äôs a giant dildo or something.

REV. X: Uhm,Ķyes.

THIS BOARD: MORE RETARDED THAN PRESIDENT BUSH

A year ago, I would have made a fourth of July post saying "OMG AMERICA SUCKS WE'RE SO FAT AND STUPID AND APATHETIC AND OUR PRESIDENT LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY LOL" while my fat white ass got bigger from food from the kitchen as people are starving and other people are getting blown up for oil that's used to power this computer.

I think I've matured a little. Actually, this last week, I've had my climax of starry-eyed Utopian Anarchist idealism and have begun my descent into cynical Post-Leftism. Probably the same thing the hippies were going through in the early 70s. It's not a pretty thing. realizing that there's nothing you can do and that civilization will always suck and that Bush/Nixon is not the Anti-Christ that the world will stand in opposition against but just another in a long line of privilidged white men answering to the higher calling that is greed and that making LJ posts about how much America sucks won't help anything and in it's own way, Western Europe is just as bad and that you're just contributing to a trite homogenous fashion statement.

So, unless I get out of this funk, (I don't know if it's permanent or just temporary) I'm hanging up my activist's coat and hat. You've done it, system, you've crushed another voice of dissent and turned it into a bitter, apathetic husk of a former self. No anti-jingoist rant for me. I don't care. In a million years, maybe, the plants and animals will have reconquered the Earth. No more LJ icons saying "Fuck Bush", no more flyers raving about the Neo-Con agenda, no more pretending that boycotting Wal-Mart makes a difference.

Americanism has won.

Oh, Fuck

A film by Chaplin Sinatra Fonzarelli

SCENE 1

A JAPANESE MAN dressed as Abraham Lincoln but wearing only boxer shorts instead of pants stands outside of a bungalow and plays a violin made of human organs and bones. The tune he plays is that one Mozart (or maybe it,Äòs Vivaldi) song that they always play in cartoons and commercials. A CRAZED MAN runs down the street dressed eccentrically, waving a trout

CRAZED MAN: Karl Marx! Karl Marx! Karl Marx! Karl Marx! Karl Marx! Karl Marx! Karl Marx!

A HIDEOUS-LOOKING BLONDE PORN STAR walks up to JAPANESE MAN, pulls out his cock, and sucks him off until his jizz is blasted all over her face

SCENE 2:

The CRAZED MAN walks down a busy street. Men in business suits with gray faces holding briefcases goose-step in unison. He pulls out a copy of Beowulf and a Super-Soaker and begins reading from it and squirting them

SCENE 3:

The UN building

UN DELEGATE: I think it,Äôs time we revised section 2B146 of volume 567A9 once and for all. Furthermore,Ķ.

Suddenly, GRENDEL appears, with a massive club,  and tackles the delegate. He bites into his jugular and rips it out with his teeth. He then pulls the deceased delegate,Äôs arm out of his socket and uses it to beat the delegate next to him to death. Many delegates run in fear. He catches another one, and clubs him to death with his club. He then begins to devour his corpse, consuming all but the legless torso. He then disrobes said torso and begins fucking it in the ass.

SCENE 4:

GEORGE W. BUSH walks up to a small house in the middle of the desert with a machine gun in hand, opens the door, and opens fire, killing all of the inhabitants of the house.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Fucking goddamn motherfucking piece of shit sand-niggers! I hate goddamn sand niggers so fucking much!

He then walks into the house, smashes up the kitchen, find jewelry in the jar of flour, and pockets it. A shot of him walking away as their blood puddles on the floor.

SCENE 5: A HIPPIE is playing a bass guitar in his room while a lobster watches mesmerized. A TAX COLLECTOR comes in, hears the music, produces a hideous shriek, and his head  then explodes.

SCENE 6:

A group of attractive members of both sexes sit around in an interior set. A starved boy looks in at horror as they begin gorging themselves with Hershey kisses, vomiting them up, and coating each other in toilet paper

WOMAN: God bless America

An explicit bisexual orgy rivaling most hardcore porn films in variety and graphic nature follows. They then bring out a globe of planet Earth, which they all shit, piss, jizz, and menstruate on.

SCENE 7:

ERIS, a PIRATE, a WITCH, an INDIAN, a FAIRY, a GYPSY, a COWBOY, a VAMPIRE, a HIPPIE, and a PROSTITUTE go up to Japanese Lincoln as he continues to play. ERIS punches him in the face, knocking him out

FIN

After consulting with Eris, she has a few things to tell you guys. While her overall opinion of her minions is positive, she had one very important grievance. This is something that the more cynical non-prophets of Eris such as Scribe and Turd have been shouting at you guys for years. I'm more to blame for this than anyone. In general, Eris thinks you guys are awesome, but you really need to get your shit together.

Seriously, when the fuck did anyone ever say a Discordian wasn't allowed to be fucking organized? Dionysus is great, but sometimes you need some Apollo to combat Ares and...I don't know? Who the fuck's the Greek god of bureaucracy? Concordia? Who gives a shit. Anyway, the fucking point is, we have to start fucking organizing if we're ever going to give the goddamn Greyfaces the run for their fucking money. There are thousands of us. We could be on the terrorist watch lists. We rattle off 20 different Operastion Mindfuck posts a minute but we have the attention span of goldfish and never actually commit to one. If every person reading this and their lackeys actually buckled down, picked any one Operation Mindfuck topic at random, and set to work on the operation of creating chaos within, we might actually make a fucking difference, or at least get on local TV or some stupid-ass blog. The fucking point is, ORGANIZE ORGANIZE ORGANIZE ORGANIZE ORGANIZE! At least that's what Eris was shouting at me. We have to fucking organize and get our shit together oh god I feel like I'm on meth but I'm not
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So yes, let's all pick a mindfuck, create a thought-out plan and strategy, and set about inacting it as much as possible. Remember when we were all going to send a letter to Jack Chick and try to get him paranoid? How many of us actually did that? I know I sure as hell didn't. Let's buckle down and do something! nefjdfasjdfsjldfsjlsdfjlsdajlasfjldjldfasdf

[In theory.]

I feel sort of out of place with anyone on my stance on gun control. I think people who want guns should have them, so liberals won't accept me. I think the NRA and the majority of gun enthusiasts are bourgeoisies who want guns to protect their private property with force or to blow the brains out of animals for fun, so I'd feel weird conspiring with them to demand the right to bear arms. Most Anarcho-Communists assume that in a hypothetical Anarchist system, guns wouldn't exist and we'd all shoot flowers at each other. Anarcho-Capitalists, I can't get with either. (Which is nothing new) For the record, I'm of the opinion that a laissez-fair/minarchist/night watchman/Libertarian/Anarcho-Capitalist/objectivist/whatever-the-fuck-they're-calling-it now state would, in general be a hellhole. Authority and government would be eliminated, but there would be no one to keep tabs of corporations. They'd just annex all of the property they could control with the resources they'd develop, and by hiring forces, they'd just become new states. Really, part of me thinks Anarcho-Capitalism is oxymoronic. What's the difference between a state and a corporation? An Anarcho-Capitalist state with absolutely no control on weapons would just be Wal-Mart with nuclear bombs.

So basically, I'm stuck. Another thing that bothers me about this issue is when right-wing ideologues are like "OMG WE MUST PROTECT THE 2ND AMENDMENT! LIBERALS WANT TO TAKE IT AWAY ONOS!" I hate to break it to you, but your second amendment rights were violated a long time ago.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.

In other words, we get all the weapons and militias we want to defend ourselves from the government if it ever becomes un-free. (which it has, and how) If you think a bunch of paranoid Leftist survivalist rednecks can successfully defend themselves from the U.S. government with sawed-off shotguns and military fatigues, you're free to live in that reality. We will never have an uninfringed right to keep and bear Arms and regulate a militia to keep the state in check unless we are legally allowed to build nuclear bombs. That's right. The U.S. government has 10,000 nuclear bombs, and unless they let you build atomic weaponry in your cellar, you don't have a 2nd amendment to speak of.

Now, of course, I'm all for nuclear disarmament. In theory. But as long as America, Russia, China, France, and Britain get them, I should be able to get some weapons-grade uranium at Wal-Mart with a successful background check and start building in my garage. While I'm at it, I want some saran gas. And komodo dragons to do my bidding.

Why is a Hitler's youth the Pope?
Why is Conan the Barbarian Governor?
Why is a dyslexic coke-head President?
Why is Japan invading countries again?
Why is    Union for a Popular Movement the voice of reason?
Is it the endtimes, or did I just drop LSD?

KARL MARX
BY CHAPLIN SINATRA FONZARELLI

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FIN

Who here's good at drawing?

Skeptics are pricks. Well, not really, but they're people who are trying to force their own little boring unimaginative reality on other people. Some of us want to live in a world where Bigfoot, Elvis, The Batboy, and the Chupa-Cabra are in league with aliens, angels, demons, faeries, and deities to battle the Kenndy-assassinating Illuminati using magickal energy which they harness using shit they bought at new age stores and that this was all predicted in the Quatrains. And what's fucking wrong with that? Skeptics have this quaint little notion of "science", blissfully unaware that their precious "science" is no different than our beloved superstitious that they so contemptuously look down on. Newsflash, assholes! Nothing is real! Everything is real! Reality is defined by perception because perception is all we have and different points of view are like different realities because the way you observe reality is reality! Duh! So if I say Martin Luther King Jr. was killed by the government, said government has secret Tesla technology which it's using in Alaska to build doomsday devices, Donald Rumsfeld is an alien from outer space, and that all of the gods from the bronze age are entities from demension X, than that Tesla government deminsion X killed that nigga! At this point I have no idea what I'm talking about and Conan's on, so I'll conclude this 3 AM rant by saying that out of sheer spite, I have turned my perception of reality into an artform, slowly stretching the limits of the absurdities I believe, bringing the most intentionally ludicris ideas gradually into my realm of believable and acceptable reality, like my belief system is some sort of anus, until I've become a total crackpot and my reality-anus a bloody, red, swollen Goatse.cx of glory. So, for your information, all of the early-20th century pulp fiction writers were chaneling memories from Atlantis, The Beatles and Hunter S. Thompson were Eristic avatars, and Jesus Christ was a black magic-using gay nigger from outer space. HAIL ERIS!

"Why not?"~Timothy Leary
"I feel like a tired child home from a very wild circus"~Lord Omar
"Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"~Karl Marx