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The only racism was aimed at Hispanics, and is therefore ok.

And chances are that, at some point in history, there really was a guy named El Nacho.

[The Heroic Exploits of Detective Watts]

Thank you all, thank you so much. I've been trying to get someone to call my stuff horrible, but everyone is so annoyingly nice.

Now I can say that I'm misunderstood in my own time. You've all inspired me to continue writing.

In fact,

The Heroic Exploits of Detective Watts

"Stop!" shouted Detective Watts as he pursued the villainous Baron von Borl through the streets of London. "You have nowhere to run!"
"Nowhere?"  The Baron replied as he curled his fiendish mustache "Why, I never planned to run anywhere my dear Watts. Why would I when, with this; I can run ANYWHEN!?"

The Baron removed a gold-plated pocket watch from his waistcoat and turned its hands back, unleashing the device's extraordinary powers and tearing a hole in the fabric of space-time.
"Farwell my worthy foe" he said as he stepped into the vortex "we shall meet again or, should I say, HAVE met again!"

"Not so fast amigo!'
Suddenly, out of the shadows of the night, a sombrero wearing hero leapt to the Detective's side.
"El Nacho! You made it!" the Detective joyfully exclaimed
"Sí señor" El Nacho replied as he threw a boomerang at von Borl, knocking him out of the time-vortex and onto the ground.
"Baron Dwayne von Borl" Detective Watts said as he put a pair of handcuffs on his villainous foe "I hereby place you under arrest in the name of the British Empire."
"Curses" the Baron replied as he fell to his knees "foiled again."

Little did the Detective and his Hispanic friend know, even as they triumphed over their villainous foe; dark forces silently plotted his release. In the shadow of the Moon, hidden from the eyes of man, Invaders; both alien and strange, secretly plotted the Barons release and Great Britains downfall.

Chapter1:

Deep in the slums of Whitechapel, hidden by the dark and fog of the night, a menacing figure silently watched as Detective Watts and El Nacho began to unravel his horrific crime.

"Another murder" Watts said as he lit his pipe. "And yet again, Jack the Ripper has left us no witnesses or clues to his identity. Once more, a maniac has escaped the scene of his violent crime without arousing any suspicion. Therefore, logic dictates, he didn't have far to run before stashing his bloodied clothes and weapons."

"But senor" El Nacho replied. "These murders happened miles from one another. He can't be using the same safe house each time can he?"
There is" Watts continued "one place he had access to at every murder."
"Of course!" El Nacho joyfully exclaimed "He's been fleeing into the sewers!"
"Within his own shoes" The Detective corrected.
"I knew it! We'll round up all the shoe makers in the area. Only someone with their level of expertise could manage such a feat."
"No need" The Detective replied as he pulled his trusty pistol from its holster. "He should be behind me right... NOW!"
Watts turned and fires, knocking The Rippers dagger from his hand.
"Jack the Ripper" he said "I hereby place you under arrest in the name of the British Empire!"
"Curses!" The Ripper cursed "My villainous crime spree, ended by something as simple as a super genius Detective whose job it is to solve crimes. How ironic."
"Indeed senor" El Nacho said as he placed a pair of handcuffs on the Ripper. "Fate has a way of playing cruel tricks on us."

Little did the valiant Latino know, fate was soon to play a crueller trick on him and Watts. Beyond the Moon, the Invaders, using their incredible technology; atomically altered the fabric of The Rippers handcuffs, tearing them in two. Silently, The Ripper grabbed hold of Detective Watts trusty pistol, took aim and fired, ending his life; before turning it on El Nacho.

El Nacho leapt to the side and threw a razor sharp burrito at The Ripper, cutting the pistol in half but, before he could stop him, The Ripper escaped into the shadows of the night; leaving El Nacho to mourn his fallen friend.

Chapter 3:

Jack the Ripper, dagger in hand, slowly, silently crept through the dark streets of London; ever careful to avoid the diligent gaze of El Nacho and his elite squadron of shoemaker hunters.
"Curse that damnable Detective and his Hispanic cohort!" The Ripper said. "Now, not even my shoes can provide me with safe refuge from these English cretins!"
Suddenly, El Nacho leapt from around a corner, his trusty burrito readied for combat.
"Villainous cur!" he said "drop your blade and surrender your ill-gotten freedom!"
"Accursed Spaniard" The Ripper racisted in reply "I'll never surrender to the likes of you!"

The Ripper quickly climbed the walls of a nearby fish 'n chip shop and leapt through the window, as El Nacho followed behind.
"Take one step further" the Ripper said as he placed his knife on a fish 'n chips throat "and the fast food gets it."
"How could you!" El Nacho replied "How could you kill something so pure, so British."
"Make one wrong move" the Ripper continued "and it dies. No real Englishman would allow that to happen. The public will be disgusted. You'll be deported back to Sweden."
"Ok, ok." El Nacho said "just put the fish down, and I'll do anything you want."
"One billion pounds for the meals life" he said as he moved towards the window. "Come alone, or neither of you will survive."
The Ripper leapt from the window and fled into the crowded streets below, as El Nacho began to make his way back to Scotland Yard.

Profound reply.

Makes you think. Then makes you want to lie down and take some panadol.

Can't actually tell if sarcasm. Not so good with forum based subtleties. Need people to talk slowly to me.

[Harvey the Human]

I AM AN AUTHOR!!! BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY PEN!!!

Harvey the Human
There once was a human named Harvey the Human. Harvey the Human lived in a very human house filled with T-Shirts and Oil Based Paints.

One day Harvey the Human woke up to find he had a problem. Harvey the Human was having trouble doing a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something.

Harvey the Human decided to visit his friend Conny the Cockatoo who lived in A Corn Field.

"Conny the Cockatoo?" said Harvey the Human
"Do you know how I can do a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something?"
"No" said Conny.
"Maybe we should ask Nelly the Negro?"

Conny the Cokatoo and Harvey the Human went to Nelly the Negro's house to ask him if he could help.
"Nelly the Negro?" said Harvey the Human.
"Do you know how I can do a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something?" asked Harvey the Human.
"Pimp my ho pop a cap in a copper" replied Nelly the Negro.
"Of course" said Harvey the Human
"All I need to do is pimp my ho pop a cap in a copper and I'll be able to do a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something" replied Harvey the Human.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

That's where I lost interest.

The greatest compliment this paticular banality could hope to ever recieve. Thank you.

[Harvey the Human]

I AM AN AUTHOR!!! BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY PEN!!!

Harvey the Human
There once was a human named Harvey the Human. Harvey the Human lived in a very human house filled with T-Shirts and Oil Based Paints.

One day Harvey the Human woke up to find he had a problem. Harvey the Human was having trouble doing a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something.

Harvey the Human decided to visit his friend Conny the Cockatoo who lived in A Corn Field.

"Conny the Cockatoo?" said Harvey the Human
"Do you know how I can do a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something?"
"No" said Conny.
"Maybe we should ask Nelly the Negro?"

Conny the Cokatoo and Harvey the Human went to Nelly the Negro's house to ask him if he could help.
"Nelly the Negro?" said Harvey the Human.
"Do you know how I can do a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something?" asked Harvey the Human.
"Pimp my ho pop a cap in a copper" replied Nelly the Negro.
"Of course" said Harvey the Human
"All I need to do is pimp my ho pop a cap in a copper and I'll be able to do a stereotypical human thing like, I dunno, watching T.V or ordering pizza or something" replied Harvey the Human.

And They Lived Happily Ever After


President LincPwln: The Generic Fanfic
President Lincoln ran into the confederate camp while solving a rubiks cube then leapt onto a guard, tore out his eyes and threw them at a medics tent, creating a smoldering crater and killing everyone inside.

"Now I will kill you, because you keep slaves and keeping slave is bad!" he yelled. Then he pulled a machine gun out but he was too badarse to shoot things so he clubbed President Davis to death with it, tore his liver out and deflected an artillery shell with the still pulsating organ so hard it travelled through time and killed Hitler.

"President LincPwln, so we meet again"

King George III came up to Lincoln in his giant mecha.

"Hey, George, I think you lost something."

"Er, what"

"The Revolutionary War"

Then Lincoln took his hat off and threw it at the massive mecha, slicing it in half, leapt on a piece of shrapnel that came out of the ensuing explosion and rode it to safety.

Resident Evil 4: The Generic Fanfic

"Back foul beast"
Leon let out a cry and charged the horde of undead creatures, impaling them with his American flag.

He leapt onto a zombie bear while throwing a grenade behind him, splattering bodies into a gigantic wall of death before pulling out a shotgun and blasting the head off of the beast, pulling his entrails out of it's throat hole and riding them down the mound of corpes before backflipping off, pulling out his unbelievably sharp samurai sword and slicing straight through a skyscraper, killing the horde of undead abomonations that dwelt within.

"Well, I bet they wish they had homeowners insurance now" Leon wittily quiped before walking away into the sunset.

Resident Evil 4: The Generic Fanfic: The Poem

Running into batle
flag above his head
mighty Leon stabbed an army
of gouls and the undead.

Standing high on bloodied corpse
he leapt straight through the air
he fell right down, upon the earth
and on a zombie bear.

He pulled a gun and brought it down
upon the rotted head
a cry was heard, and from the neck
the bear forever bled.

Upon his guts, brave Leon sped
as all around, the undead fled
he pulled a sword, and killed them all
then witty joke he said.

He moved out to the sunset
and scabbarded his sword
as all around behind him
lay the goulish horde.

I'd like to apologise for any poor layouts or errors that may have slipped into this post. This library computer's playing up big time.

How, dear friends; how will the ponographic coprophilia industry react to this?

I await, with bated breath and bating hands, the next generation of zany Japanese porn.

This wouldn't happen if people didn't trust their bank info with unscrupulous corporations like, ya know, their banks.