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I'll definitely look into a SAD lamp. I've also started efforts to visit a doctor. Considering how long it's been since my last checkup, I wouldn't be surprised if there were health issues making things worse. Other than that, I'm focusing mainly on diet. It's a little tough, as a single person it can be difficult to keep the right amount of food around; too much and it'll go bad before I finish it, too little and, well, you know.

Ok, so first, I want to thank everyone for their responses, and apologize if I made anyone worry. I was panicking pretty hard.

This 'thing' that happens to me comes in waves, and it seems to have passed. Normally, when it finally blows over, I pretend it never happened and I try to get on with things. The problem with that is that it invariably comes back, and I am then unprepared to deal with it.

This time, however, I created a public account of the incident, meaning that I have a reminder that this happened, and I cannot ignore it, even after it has blown over.

I think what is happening is called "double depression." I have been affected by dysthymia for over 20yrs, and I think I have developed Seasonal Affective Disorder. However, I am affected by this twice a year, once in the summer, and once in the winter. I believe this happened because those seasons are the off-times for school, and during those times that I wasn't working on school stuff, I had nothing to work on to make myself feel useful, and I would not see many people, because I saw most of my friends at school. So, basically, twice a year I get an extra serving of bad-times dumped on top of a persistent, low-level depression.

Anyhow, since I have graduated, I forgot that I was entering the next loop, and even kind of assumed that it wouldn't happen this time around because I am no longer in school, but apparently I was very wrong. Oops.

While it is true that I should probably seek some professional help, I do not currently have access to the type of help I would need. So, while I am trying to get that set up, I also need to have a plan for the next time this happens. Finding support from those that I know IRL has been incredibly difficult, but, even though it was embarrassing to post about this on a public forum, everybody's support here was helpful enough to get through it. Of course, I know that posting here is not a solution, nor does it eliminate the root cause for the problem. But, while I am working towards a solution, this thread can help me by being a kind of safety net if shit gets really bad again.

Thanks again to everyone, next time I will be more prepared, and I will also know that I have support here. I promise you all, I will not let this defeat me. Thank you all so much.

...But when I say to do something new, I don't just mean "start new projects", I mean, learn or do something completely novel to you. Like join a lawn darts club, or start bowling, or do community theater, or something else you have never done before, preferably something that involves other people. It doesn't have to be a creative project, just SOMETHING that's totally novel to you.

I understand now, thank you for the clarification. I will start thinking of some things, and I suppose I'm open to suggestions.

The second thing I wanted to say is that academically, that ship will never sail. I know people who have gone back to school for an advanced degree in their 50's. My stepmom got her PhD in her 50's. I'm 44 and just now applying to grad school. I have professors who got their PhD later in life. Taking time off to work before applying to grad school is perfectly normal. You can, and it sounds like you should, plan on going back. It's NOT too late. It really isn't.

I have been told this before, I'm just worried that by the time I get there, I'll be out of practice and unable to get accepted anywhere. It's been pointed out to me before that people do go back to school later in life, but what did they do to stay sharp in their field while they were away from academia?  I already feel my knowledge fading, because it's not the type of thing that is easy to practice alone, and I do not really see many people with a similar background... But I think I have an answer to this. I'll try to find local groups... Is that the right idea?

The third thing I wanted to say is to suggest doing something new. I don't know what, just something. Something that takes you places you haven't seen yet, doing things you haven't done yet. It really doesn't matter what, as long as it's novel. Novelty is good for your brain and helps you make new neurons, some of which may even do stuff that helps with depression and motivation. 

I'm trying to do this, but every project reaches a point where it needs to be reviewed by others for the purpose of improvement, and I'm having difficulties trying to find others that are willing to help in the process. But, then again, maybe I should find a local group for this, too...

Anyhow, talking with you dudes had given me some ideas. I will try a few things and see how it goes.

I have located a coffee shop about 20 mins away from my new address. I'm going to go tomorrow and do some reading or something. I don't feel particularly positive about it, but I suppose that's kind of the point of going. Just to see.

May I ask what the purpose of that anonymity is? There's a strong tone of distrust between that and how you describe your relationships with your family and friends.

I'm sorry for that. I am trying to approach this as analytically as possible, and posting anonymously helps me keep things as objective as they can be for these types of situations.

I appreciate all of your responses. I am trying hard to find a solution. It is hard to act now, because I have been convinced that my actions do not matter (inductive evidence leaves great psychological impacts despite its probabilistic nature).

To be clear, at this moment, I do not think I will kill myself (survival instinct is very strong), but I do not doubt that if this is allowed to continue as it is, it might become unbearable, regardless of strength of will. I just needed to say something now to avoid getting to that point.

I am trying to find a root cause for this condition. I am beginning to think that it could be physiological somehow.

Thank you all for your kindness. I will try to be receptive to advice and ideas.

Hi, I am a forum member writing under an alt in order to maintain some degree of anonymity (I know some of you will be able to figure out who I am. If you do, please respect my wish to remain anonymous). I am writing this because things are really bad for me right now, and I need some help.

I have been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. It has its ups and downs, and normally I can tough it out and keep on moving, regardless of how bad I might feel. However, yesterday I had an episode that was much worse than anything I've experienced, and I am not sure if I can continue this way. Yesterday, I awoke feeling so terrible that I couldn't leave my room. I was so depressed that I could not bear to look at anyone. My breathing was shallow, and my heart beat was rapid. I was so emotionally fucked up that I was starting to get physical pain in my neck and head.

It's not that I haven't worked hard to try to improve myself and my conditions, but every success I earn becomes nullified by circumstances beyond my control. I have a degree in (*****), which I wanted to continue into a masters or phd program, but just as I was going to start the testing/application processes, my family (who I had been living with) decided to sell the house without telling me important details, and I ended up just barely dodging homelessness. The money I had saved for school stuff now must be spent on rent and food, meaning that I can no longer pursue graduate school. By the time I'd be financially ready to begin again, I'd be so much out of practice that it would be pointless. I loved studying (*****), but I'm pretty sure the train has passed.

I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have either do not have the ability to help with this particular problem or are already doing what they can (I'm living with a friend, who is letting me stay here cheap, which I am grateful for, but he's not the type of person that is equipped to deal with the types of problems I'm having now). ANd, as mentioned, I no longer can trust the things my family says, as they have shown themselves to be outright liars or as such through omission.   

I have tried as many things as I can to try to stop myself from feeling this way. I have sought psychiatric care at my old uni, but they never were able to tell me anything that I did not already know or suggest anything that I had not already tried. I have altogether stopped reaching out to friends, because most people don't know how to deal with this stuff, and they inadvertently minimize my problems, blame me for them, or offer some boot-strap myth bullshit.

About two months ago, I had made a plan. I've had ideas for a (creative project), so I decided that I would spend the time between then and next Thanksgiving to give my (creative project) a fair shot at success. If, at that point, it was unsuccessful, I had decided that I would end my life. However, I have finished my (creative project) and am realizing that there is no chance that it will be successful, outside of personal gratification. Now that it's finished, all I can think of is just cutting out early.

I have no car, no money, no family, no partner, few friends, and useless achievements that ultimately mean nothing. There is no future that I can conceive that doesn't involve living in poverty and slaving away my life to make someone else rich. And none of this is to mention the state of the world we live in, which is a whole other post in itself.

I'm not sure what to do. I do not expect that, by posting here, someone will magically arrive and say something that changes my outlook, but I feel I need to try something, because otherwise I think it's all over. There is little joy in my life, and the pleasure I do receive comes from things that cannot, in the state of the world today, remove me from my situation, and anything I do accomplish comes as bittersweet.

If you think you can help in any way, please share your thoughts.

Or kill me.