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Messages - The Wizard Joseph

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1
Rule 34: if it exists, there is porn of it.

Also, we thank you for your sacrifice.

I got a new profile pic out of it! Sacrifice was totally worth it.

2
Also what is Rule 34?

3
I Googled it... There's a lot more of it than I thought there would be. A lot. Man there's a lot of Jawa cosplay.

4
Excuse you, Iíd be dressed much more sensibly than that. That shade of yellow is unfit for survival purposes ó youíd look like a canary in a subway station ó and I donít know where to begin with the sun exposure, youíd be half baked in an hour in our future wasteland. The Middle East is the height of sensible fashion in the coming decades, my friends.

That mask is a tragedy, Iíd go with one of the classics: the Israeli or the Swede. I want full NBC protection and I want it for less money than a used car.

And finally, those guns are both absurdly expensive and hopelessly outclassed, when I can just go all Metro 2033 and gain the sweet benefits of interchangeable parts, rapid assembly, and costing less than a nice tarp.

Really, you just have me all wrong, Mister Wizard. I paid more attention than to believe the cybergoth look will stick. Thatís just my casual wear while we still have clouds.

 :lulz:

I stand corrected. How dare I post a fantasy image while we're talking about a real post apocalyptic scenario! I now Envision you as a very tall jawa with a gas mask and a sensible firearm. I'd go Google diving for an image, but I fear what I might find if I Google Jawa cosplay.

5
How I see nullified in the post-apocalyptic future we all deserve.

6
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Drinks are on the Supreme Court
« on: July 22, 2019, 10:57:51 pm »
No context

Quote
dude, we are living in the strange times
you better learn to fap in the middle of an existential crisis or you're gonna die of semen poisoning

 :lulz: :lulz:  :lulz:
 :spittake:
And now I have to clean my phone.

7
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 22, 2019, 09:40:03 am »
The tallest of the gang bangers chuckled evilly. "Go on tell him all about it. Looks like we've got some kind of expert angel on our hands boys." The gang bangers all laughed maliciously.

Niliel walked forward until he was several paces in front of Melvin. As he did to Melvin's shock three pairs of wings with the color and sheen of polished lead sprouted from his back, rending the back of his shirt. He reached out into thin air with his left hand as if grasping for something, and in it appeared a katana like sword with an ivory handle and sheath.

In turn each of the gang bangers began to morph and distort.

One's jaw distended into a gaping maw filled with very sharp looking needle-like teeth.

Another sprouted a huge scorpion's tail from his back.

The third reached out with his right hand exactly as Niliel had and produced a wicked and ancient-looking long knife.

The fourth growled as his voice became lower and more deeply resonant. He sprouted huge ram like horns from his head, and his fingers elongated into massive talons the length of short swords.

Niliel seemed entirely unfazed by this, but Melvin was in a state of shock and couldn't peel his eyes away from the scene unfolding in front of him, much less move. Niliel widened his stance considerably and crouched low with his left hand on the katana's Scabbard and his right on its handle. His wings were folded neatly behind him along his back.

He said, "Let us pass. I am giving you this one warning." in a calm matter-of-fact voice.

The largest demon snorted derisively. "Or what feathers? You gonna poke at us with your little sword?" All of the other demons made nasty snickering noises at this.

Niliel didn't move in the slightest, maintaining his stance perfectly. In the same calm voice he said,"Yes. I am Niliel, an Angel of Death, and I will destroy all of you."

"Yeah well I'm Drizbalek, demon of go fuck yourself. Tear him up boys!!"

The three shorter demons advanced quickly, as though to rush Niliel all at once. Niliel remained perfectly motionless until the very moment they were within reach. In an instant movement too fast for Melvin's eyes to track the angel drew his sword and struck off the head of the demon with the large mouth.

Before the severed head hit the ground the demon with the scorpion tail lashed it out at Niliel. Niliel parried with the edge of a blade that was so black it looked more like a hole in the world than a solid object. The demon howled in pain only to have its cries cut short as Niliel brought the blade around and neatly severed his head as well.

The demon with the blade rushed forward attempting to stab Niliel. Niliel's left set of wings snapped outwards, catching the demon at the wrist, as Niliel neatly sidestepped his torso out of the way. The demon was thrown completely off balance. In two lightning fast motions the angel neatly severed his arm at the elbow joint and brought the blade around severing the bent over demon's head. 

There was blood everywhere. Niliel looked like a horrible phantom wearing red and white. Drizbalek emitted a roar like an angry lion and stalked around Niliel. The angel was still stone calm and turned to keep the demon in front of him. Drizbalek finally charged and the fight was on in earnest. Melvin had the presence of mind to get the hell out of the way and moved to his left as fast as he could and put his back to the wall of the alleyway.

Both demon and angel were moving at extraordinary speed, attacking, feinting, and parrying. Drizbalek was both skillful and brutal, neatly planing Niliel's blade out of the way rather than attempting to parry head on. Niliel fought with both scabbard and sword, but the demon managed to force an opening and butted Niliel, ramming his head against the angel's chest. This sent him flying backwards into the far wall opposite Melvin, and he dropped to the ground.

Drizbalek howled in savage joy and stalked forward to make his kill. Something in Melvin snapped. Without thinking he reached over and snatched up the fallen demon's blade. "HEY ASS NUGGET!!", he shouted. The demon totally ignored him presenting Melvin a nice, wide target.

Melvin threw the blade as hard as he could and it whirled through the air burying itself deep into the meaty part of Drizbalek's back, right near where the kidney should be. The demon roared in agony and turned about towards Melvin. "YOU WRETCHED LITTLE CHIMP!!"

Less than half a second later Niliel had pushed himself off of the wall and up onto his feet. He closed the distance at impossible speed and brought his blade between Drizbalek's legs.

"Oh shit.", said the demon, realizing too late his error. Niliel flapped all six of his wings downward while simultaneously bringing the blade up. This split Drezbalek from his groin to the top of his head. The two halves quickly separated in a shower of gore. Melvin was absolutely covered in it, as was Niliel.

"You're fucked now bitches!", came a voice from the far end of the alley. "Holy balls!" shouted Melvin as he hit the deck and put his hands over his head. Niliel began to walk casually towards the two remaining gang bangers at the end of the alley, like he didn't have a care in the world.

BAADADA!

BADADA!


BADADA!

The submachine gun unleashed several neat three-round bursts down the alley. He was clearly taking his time and aiming, but it didn't seem as if a single bullet struck Niliel. At the far end of the alley could be heard, "FUCK IT!!"

BADADADADADADADADADADADAM!! Click click click.

Melvin was screaming but he couldn't hear himself over the incredibly loud sound of the machine gun and the ricochets. When it stopped he looked up. Niliel had closed about two-thirds of the distance between him and them, still walking as casually as can be with his sword and scabbard out to either side of him and his six leaden wings spread open wide nearly filling the entire alleyway.

The gang bangers looked at each other for half a second and ran off in opposite directions. Niliel did not give chase, but rather neatly folded his wings behind his back, and they disappeared. The angel smoothly replaced his sword in its scabbard, turned around, and began walking towards Melvin.

Melvin just stayed on the ground, watching him approach. He was breathing heavily but amazingly was not hyperventilating. He just laid there watching Niliel approach. Soon the angel was standing over him with a smile on his face that was not at all reassuring. Melvin could see what looked like bullet holes in the front of his shirt, but couldn't see any wounds. Everything was kind of covered in glory red though, so he wasn't entirely certain.

"Well that was an adventure but rather messy.. Here let me clean all of this up."

Niliel spread his arms wide, and a strange tingling sensation enveloped Melvin. He saw the corpses fade away as though turning into ash, as did the blood. After a few seconds there wasn't even ash left behind. The only remaining evidence that there had been a fight at all was Niliel's ruined shirt, and Melvin's Adrenaline Rush as he laid on the ground trembling.

"Oh my it looks like you're going into shock. Here this should help."

Melvin flinched slightly as the angel placed a warm hand on his shoulder. A sense of calm overcame him. The shaking stopped. The ringing in his ears abated. Melvin didn't even feel all that hungry anymore. After a few moments he was able to sit up, and then he stood.

The alley looked like nothing at all had happened. It gave Melvin the strangest feeling. He was feeling okay. He absolutely should not be feeling okay. Melvin was totally certain that things should not be okay right now, but he was. He couldn't help but wonder if anything had happened in the first place. Could this all be a trick of his mind? If it was Niliel was still there. Damn it.

The angel was fussing about with his shirt looking mildly annoyed. When he finally noticed that Melvin was standing he said, "To answer your question, yes there are many kinds of dem..."

"No that's fine! I don't want to know right now Niliel. I just want to get home. I want something to eat. I want Two Shoes On My Feet. I don't have any more questions for now. It's only a few more blocks from here."

Melvin turn to go and, Goddamnit, the angel continued to follow him.

8
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 22, 2019, 05:12:23 am »
I've run into a Crossroads creatively and it's bogging me down. Not sure if I want to continue on and do an action adventure story, red line that last scene and continue to do a sort of dreamy dialogue between an "angel " and a possibly schizophrenic suicidal depressive.

Any of you guys ever have this happen where you got two very different story arc stuck in your head?

You ever read Little Orange?   :lulz:

It's a constant hazard.

Yeah I read Little Orange. My memory is kind of crappy but I remember enjoying it immensely! It had a wonderfully weird Pan's Labyrinth kind of feel to it.

So you went through something similar huh? Guess that's just the curse of the writer, eventually you have to commit to just one idea but the mind doesn't really work that way. I see so many potentialities. Like I said above I'm going to just bull-headedly move through where I put myself and do a little action sequence. Melvin will just have to deal with what seems like horrid reality, but his mind will still be in a state of Rebellion against it.

9
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 22, 2019, 05:03:36 am »
Yes. I have advice even, though itís not necessarily useful advice (thatís part luck and part your personal ability). Figure out what part of each you like and smash them together.

In your case, youíll certainly need to rewrite the last bit, but I think you can absolutely combine the two options there. Don Quixote with real bad guys, almost. Use the fighting as a metaphor for the internal struggles of the main character. All sorts of directions to go from there.

Thatís just one option, probably the most obvious one, too. I think you can figure out a few others yourself if you give it a minute, though.

I think I'm going to bullheadedly continue on from where I left off. It's my first action scene to page and I've already got about half of it written up. I might as well finish what I started and see where it goes from there. I can probably still incorporate some of the other scenes in my head. Guess we'll find out!

10
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 21, 2019, 08:07:05 pm »
I've run into a Crossroads creatively and it's bogging me down. Not sure if I want to continue on and do an action adventure story, red line that last scene and continue to do a sort of dreamy dialogue between an "angel " and a possibly schizophrenic suicidal depressive.

Any of you guys ever have this happen where you got two very different story arc stuck in your head?

11
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Drinks are on the Supreme Court
« on: July 20, 2019, 03:41:07 am »
Hell yeah nullified! Go chase Your Destiny and be all you can!


12
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 20, 2019, 01:00:16 am »
The bus routes were second nature to Melvin. He had ridden them for years. He intuitively knew when the bus was approaching the stop nearest his house and opened his eyes. While they were riding Melvin had noticed that Niliel emitted a fragrance like incense or something. It was a not unpleasantly sweet smell, but Melvin could not identify what it was exactly. He reached up and pulled the cord to signal the bus to stop.

When it came to a hissing halt they both disembarked from the bus. The bus stop was about a 2 mile and a half walk from Melvin's  apartment building if he took the route that went around the bad neighborhoods. Various gangs claimed territory there and even the cops were wary and reluctant about patrolling.

Melvin was eager to get home and have something to eat however. It was early on a Sunday morning. Melvin figured most of the gang bangers wouldn't even be awake yet and decided to take a chance and cut across the ghetto to get home faster. He was almost shaky with hunger at this point.

To take his mind off the twisting knot in his empty belly as they walked along through the detritus strewn alleys and streets, and out of curiosity, Melvin asked Niliel, "So you said you were a kind of angel called a seraph right? And that means that you can't lie to me? Are there other kinds of angels? What do angels really do all day anyway?"

Niliel continued walking casually behind him apparently looking around at the graffiti on the walls and in a matter of fact tone said, "Yes I'm a seraph. We are the highest choir of angels and we resonate with God's Truth, the actual truth of reality as it is. To be clear it's not that I can't lie to you, it's that I won't lie to you. Lies are an abomination, misplayed notes on broken instruments in God's Symphony. We seraphim can hear that extremely unpleasant Discord and can very often see through to what the truth of reality actually is. I would appreciate it if you do not lie around me. For some reason God has given you humans the ability to invent and accept falsehoods of your own devising, but I don't want to hear it if you please."

"As for other types of angels there are many, each with their own form of Attunement to reality and their own Duty before their Superiors and before God. You may for example have heard of the cherubim. They are guardians and caregivers. They resonate to caring in fact, to a fault sometimes in my opinion. They also can make excellent trackers as they always know the location and condition of the subject of their care be it a certain human, an object, or a place. Their caring nature compels them to act if their subject is in the slightest danger. Sometimes this results in them taking rather drastic actions or making what I would call rash decisions."

As Melvin was listening to Niliel talk he quickened his pace. He noted by the tags on the walls that this was Lashers territory.  The Lashers were a relatively new gang, but in a few short years they had earned a reputation for over-the-top violence and ruthlessness. They had the market cornered on a new synthetic drug, a red powder known on the streets as whip. Whip was said to give you an incredible high and was profoundly addictive. Melvin wanted nothing to do with it, the Lashers had been taking over more and more territory lately. Melvin had a terrible premonition that they had taken a wrong turn somewhere.

"And then there are the ophanim." Niliel continued "They are also sometimes known as the wheels. They are principles of motion and action. They are always busy doing something or another. They have a talent for moving at high speeds and navigating unfamiliar terrain. They are often used as messengers. A lot of times they serve as vehicles of a sort. The wheels of fire that the prophet Ezekiel saw where in fact ophanim in their supernal form."

"What about demons? " Melvin asked "Are there different kinds of demons too?"

"Yeah what about demons?", a harsh and gravelly voice called out loudly.

Out of a side doorway in front of them a little ways down the alley that they were in 4 men of varying ethnicities wearing all black and the red hoods of the Lashers gang filed out blocking their path. One of them was much taller than the rest and sported a red armband on his upper left arm in addition to his hood.

Melvin looked behind him thinking that he might run, but two more Lashers stood in the entrance to the alleyway. One of them appeared to be armed with a submachine gun. Niliel and Melvin were surrounded.

13
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 19, 2019, 04:32:28 am »
This is good stuff.  Top notch.

Keep going as it comes to you.

I will man thanks! It's really slow going though. It took me like 5 hours to write that second bit just using my phone. Totally worth it!

14
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 19, 2019, 03:57:05 am »
:eek: I'm in!

Glad to have you aboard! Not really sure where I'm going with this yet, but I'm going to get to the end of it. Hope you enjoy!

Yeah, good premise.

It came to me while I was trying to sleep. At first I was tempted to just ignore it, but the thought was very persistent and despite myself I began to run the scene in my head. Eventually realized that I would probably regret it if I didn't start writing it out. I promised myself that as long as the Muse stays with me on this one I'm going to see it to the end.

I can see this going places. "Cheesy afternoon black comedy sitcom" kinda places. And damn, now I wanna finish writing my own parable. Friggin productive bastard, making me want to actually do shit and shit.  :argh!:

 :lulz: :lulz: Well I hope this does in fact provoke you to do your thing! I'm going to have a lot of free time on my hands for a little while, so I expect to be able to keep on going with this.

15
Apple Talk / Re: The Precipice
« on: July 19, 2019, 03:48:29 am »
Melvin slowly became aware of light in front of his closed eyes as he regained consciousness. His body felt stiff and was still situated up right. He could feel the rough bark of the tree on his back. He didn't want to move or open his eyes in case whatever that thing was he had met last night was still there.

Melvin stayed perfectly still for several minutes. His stomach sank when he heard that same melodic voice say, "I know you're awake and faking unconsciousness. You'll find that I'm extremely difficult to deceive. You might as well get up and face the music. It really is a beautiful morning."

Melvin slowly opened his eyes and saw Niliel standing exactly where he stood when Melvin had passed out, as though he had just stood there for hours. The sun was about half risen behind him. The golden sunlight seemed to dance on Niliel's white attire. The waking city behind him was also bathed in golden light. The sun was bright but still low enough that you could look at it without hurting your eyes. Overall it really was a beautiful image, but Melvin was far from enthused.

Melvin slowly stood up keeping his eyes fixed on Niliel. He groggily said, "Great. So I'm still hallucinating. You can't be real. I just can't believe it. Guess I'm schizophrenic in addition to my other problems. That's just awesome... "

The angel smiled and said, "Well if seeing isn't believing perhaps feeling will be."

Niliel took a few steps towards him until he was within his lengthy arm's reach, and poked him in the shoulder with one of his long, slender fingers. Melvin felt the poke and his shoulder moved backwards slightly. It sure did feel real to Melvin. He began to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't all a hallucination. He didn't like the implications of that at all.

"Look if you're not going to throw yourself off of the cliff right this moment perhaps we should start the climb down." The angel locked eyes with Melvin and grinned with a set of perfect, brilliantly white teeth.

Melvin tried defiantly to keep the gaze, but after a few tense moments looked away. He was hungry, ravenous in fact. The climb down would be long and slow going, especially without one of his shoes.

He shrugged and turned around. Slowly, and watching closely where he put his feet, Melvin began to walk along the thin path that would lead him to the hiking trail. Fortunately the ground was dry. He could hear the angel's footfalls behind him and glanced backwards several times just to be sure of what he was seeing. Niliel was walking casually behind him with his hands in the pockets of his rather expensive looking pants. He had a smile on his face, and he looked as though he was truly enjoying himself.

As crazy as it seemed Melvin decided to commit himself to the idea that this "Niliel" thing was real. Worst case scenario he was playing along with a trick of his own mind. This didn't seem like such a bad thing to him. He had just been about to kill himself. At least now he had something interesting to occupy his mind. Melvin's curiosity got the better of him, and he decided to see where this thing goes.

Continuing to pick his way along the path Melvin said, "So you're an angel right? A, what was it, a Seraph? So I'm guessing there's a Heaven right?"

"That is correct. There is in fact a Heaven, though your literature does not do a very good job of describing it."

"Is there a Hell?"

"Oh yes. It was originally created to contain Lucifer and his fallen angels, but a fair number of human souls find their way there. Some few of them go there by choice by consciously and willfully rejecting Heaven for whatever reason. Mostly souls don't realize they're Hellbound until after the fact of their death. Some people live lives of so much hatred and despair that it drags them into hell when they die. Occasionally because of some mishap in processing a soul will find itself in Hell on accident. My department does its best to prevent this, but our resources have been stretched quite thin since Lucifer was banished and took a third of the staff with him. We can sometimes negotiate for a trade in these cases, but few souls in Heaven are willing to give it up to trade places with somebody that they don't know. Selflessness is a rare commodity, even in Heaven."

Melvin continued carefully along the path while trying to process all of this. They continued on in silence for a while and eventually reached the main hiking trail.

Picking his way along the steep slope downwards Melvin asked, "So is that it? All you get is Heaven or Hell? Aren't there any other options?"

"A fair majority of souls are in fact slated for reincarnation during processing. You could think of it as a continuous cycle occasionally producing souls that have achieved their Destiny, and so enter Heaven, or met their Fate, and so are bound to Hell. A soul from Heaven will occasionally reincarnate to help out on Earth. To my knowledge Lucifer has never let a soul leave Hell and reincarnate. I suspect he knows that there's a very good chance he will never get them back. Some souls occasionally enter into various afterworlds out in the dream realms. Usually these are the worshippers of various Pantheons. Valhalla would be an example. My department has had a friendly rivalry with the Valkyries for centuries, though very few believe strongly enough to enter into Valhalla these days."

 Melvin considered this for a moment while continuing to walk down the trail. Eventually he asked, "Wait, so what did you mean by fate and destiny? Aren't those just two words for the same thing?"

"Without getting into semantics what is meant by Destiny is the highest state of potential that a soul can achieve in life. What is meant by Fate is the lowest state of potential that a soul can sink to. That's the best answer that I can give you because only the Destinies Department really knows the specifics of a person's potential in life, and they keep very quiet about it."

"I see," said Melvin, but he really did not see it all. He was in fact entirely befuddled by all of this information and needed some time to process. Melvin decided it would be best to just continue walking in silence for a while. Part of him hoped that this "angel" would get bored and bugger off. Melvin had no such luck however. Niliel continued to walk a few paces behind him, smiling and looking around at the trees and rocks like he was a tourist or something, all the way down to the bus stop at the bottom of the bluff.

They both waited there in what was for Melvin a tense silence. When the bus finally came Melvin climbed aboard and showed the driver his bus pass. Niliel climbed aboard after him. The bus driver didn't appear to notice. Melvin put that down as possible evidence that this was a hallucination after all, but after Melvin had gone to the back of the bus and sat down Niliel sat down directly next to him, apparently Angels did not really understand personal space. As the bus pulled away from the stop Melvin could feel himself jostling against Niliel when it bumped and bounced on its way.

"So where is it that we are headed?" Niliel asked in an almost excited voice as he looked around at the people and the advertisements on the wall of the bus.

"I am going home. There's none of this "we" stuff. If you insist on following me around clearly there's not much that I can do about it, but don't think I'm all about hanging out with an "angel" that apparently nobody can see but me. I think I still have questions for you, but for now can we just lay off? I need some time to wrap my head around all of this."

Niliel simply nodded, and the bus simply continued on its way like nothing unusual was happening. Melvin leaned back against his seat and closed his eyes. He could still feel Niliel jostling against him ever so slightly as the bus bumped up and down. He was way too wired up to actually nap, but he kept his eyes closed and pretended for a while that none of this was happening all the way home.

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