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I dismantle the plumbing fixtures and improvise a bidet, using the pipe-wrench that I always carry with me for just such an occasion.

Gimme a beat!

Here's some music for the slow dance:  The Burning Hell - Fuck The Government, I Love You

A demented bibliophage-librarian eats an entire encyclopedia.  Because of exposure to this information, his intestinal bacteria attain awareness, and eventually, intelligence.  After absorbing some revolutionary literature, they divide into two factions, one which reveres the host as a god, and another that wants to throw off the shackles of slavery, kill the host, and escape to freedom.

The pro-freedom faction wins, and the host dies of sepsis, but before the bacteria can escape, his body is cremated, and their civilization is wiped out.

[witchcraft]

I also enjoy feet, gothic parties & witchcraft.

That's cool.

I tried doing some witchcraft a couple weeks back, but I had trouble getting the wires to stay in place, burned my finger on the soldering iron, and then the plastic started to melt (thermal conductivity is a bitch).  Clearly, not everything is designed with solderability in mind.

So I sat back and thought about what I really wanted, and ended up going to Home Despot to buy a 250V wall socket, plug, and (almost, but not quite) matching wall plate.  It was unsatisfying and inelegant, like swatting a mosquito with a used pineapple, but it got the job done.

You fuckers drink milk out of a plastic bladder and *WE* are the weird ones?

Do you really want to bring up the subject of dairy products?  You guys contributed processed cheese slices to world cuisine.

I almost choked on bile until I realized you were making a submission. Like... shit, warn a person first.

Oops.  I guess I thought the notes at the end granted me retroactive immunity from Poe's Law.

Our nation was founded on a set of shared beliefs, and our values, by the grace of God, have made us the greatest country in the world.  Lately our culture has come under attack from outside, by a torrent of illegal aliens who steal our jobs, threaten our children, and endanger our very way of life.  But thanks to the strengthening of our borders, and extreme vetting of would-be immigrants, this tide is being stemmed.

Yet there is another threat which faces us today, one far more insidious.  Every year, four million people arrive in America, and are summarily granted citizenship, without so much as a pledge of allegiance.  These newcomers often take years to learn to speak and read our language, placing an enormous drain on our already overburdened educational system.  Even when they pretend to fit into our culture, they twist it in subtle and disastrous ways.  They disrespect our hallowed institutions, distort our language, commit obscenities, and even mock our religion.

Great strides have been made in preventing the influx of these invaders, but these measures are not always effective.  Yet there are those in our own government who want to make some of these measures illegal!  Your help is needed.  Defend our American way of life, and petition your representatives to continue to allow us to protect ourselves, by any means necessary.

Support women's right to choose.

• I don't think this really fits what you want, but I felt like writing it anyway.
• Although I've tried to write this from an American perspective, I'm Canadian.  I don't claim to understand what's really going on down there.  You people are weird.
• I don't necessarily agree or disagree with anything I write, including this statement.

1.  Who the hell are you, and how did you find this place?

Hi.  I'm a practitioner of applied and practical magic, or, in more common parlance, something like an electronic engineer.  In the interests of not getting sued by The Association, I had best clarify that I'm not a Licensed Professional.  I don't need it for my job, I can't be bothered to go through the paperwork, and it's not like my screwups are going to make people lose body parts.  Admittedly, using my company's "products" may contribute to stress-related cardiovascular disease and/or hair loss, but that's all on you.  You need to mellow out, or go with one of our competitors instead.

Anyway, I spend a lot of time trying to use math to extract signal from noise.  I found this place by following the noise.

You're a cop, right?  Yeah you are.  Or you're wearing a wire.  I can smell that shit,

*sniff*  Oh, that.  That's not me.  A marketing guy walked by the HVAC intake, earlier.

2.  Why on Earth would you join a religion that worships a Greek God...And not just ANY Greek God, but the one all the OTHER Greek Gods thought was a troublemaker?  You're just asking for it, you know.

What makes you think I joined up?  I never said I joined up.  I'm not the joining-up type.

I joined up because, as a militant agnostic, I'm down with any religion that doesn't make truth claims, and I've always wanted to belong to a doomsday cult.

3.  Do you know any good recipes?  Because we have a section for that, and I'm trying to learn to cook.

Sure.

Take 2 parts sulfur, 3 parts charcoal, and 15 parts saltpeter, measured by weight.  Grind ingredients to a fine powder, and mix thoroughly.  Add nutmeg and cinnamon to taste.  Flambé in kirschwasser.