Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Apple Talk => Topic started by: Doktor Howl on November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 am

Title: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 am
Sep. 4
A quote from an email my boss sent me:
"You reek of non-compliance."

Sep. 11
Things I said in conversation today:
1. How much for just 13 megawatt hours?
2. There is no dancing in the 13,800 VAC cable room. Why do I even have to say this?
3. This is like watching the Titanic back up for another run at the iceberg.
4. All this needs to be perfect is 10 pounds of glitter fished out of raver ass crack.

Sep. 13
Today I drove home at 5 MPH slower than the speed limit in the left lane, with my right turn signal on the entire time.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, so don't ask.

Sep. 13
Things I said at work today:
1. "We're going to do great things. For bad people."
2. "Budgets are for people who worry about budgets."
 
Sep. 14
Things I said at work today:
1. "If you stick that in there, you probably won't get it back."
2. "He's Jesus the Son of Man, not Jesus the IT guy. Fuck's sake."
3. If the Thai place outside of the facility closes, one of you has to die."

Sep. 15
Things I said at work today:
1. "Okay, no, you're right. The magical maintenance fairy will come along and fix that shit for free. No worries."
2. "Yes, actually I DO have to be a smartass."
3. "Does being realistic make my ass look big?"

Sep. 18
Our religious nut engineer is apparently a genius. He waits til the technicians solve a problem, then investigates it, writes up the solution the techs found, and presents it as "solved". The only reason he's still got all his limbs is that he does in fact credit the techs, if you read the footnotes and squint really hard.
Sep. 21

Things I said at work today:
1. (In the morning staff meeting) "According to physics, work done is a net result. If you carry a 50 pound block up the stairs, then take it back down the stairs, you have done no work. Think about that while you do the same wrong-headed, tired-ass shit you have done for the last 6 months."

2. (To the new database admin lady) "If you see the engineer crying in his office, don't get too concerned. He's a bad person and whatever happened to him is probably well-deserved."

3. (To Billy) "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."

Sep. 22
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "I have added you to the safety committee, Billy. This is a position of great trust, and I expect you to shine. Just remember, the one who leaves the meeting with the most 'action items' wins."
(To My boss) "Yes, I just did that to Billy. But he has to LEARN. Right down in his bones. The fact that he believed that it was a position of great trust means that he has loads of learning to do."

Sep. 26
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "See that contractor technician working on that chiller? See how hard he works? I knew him back in 2005, and he was a tech back then, working just as hard. 12 years later, he's still a tech, still working hard. He will work hard his entire life and he will still be a tech."
(To one of my electricians, later on at the staff meeting) "You should work harder. It will take you farther in life."
(To Billy): "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Sep. 27
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "Yes, I did do that. You see, Billy, it's just us against entropy, really. Nobody else on the planet is even LOOKING at this mess, so it's up to us. Arguably, I didn't have a choice...Because how do you fight entropy? With monstrous deeds. Besides, I won't be lectured on morality by a guy who ran over someone's tiny home, so zip it."

Sep. 28
(Speech to working group today. Never ask me to give a speech.)
"Good morning. I am about to say impolite things.
But we are not here to be polite. We are not here to keep the customer happy. The customers hate us, and that is right and proper. The customers are seven and a half billion monkeys that insist on smoking three packs of cigarettes a day for thirty years, and we are the societal equivalent of an oncologist. We present solutions that *might* save them, but it will be very painful and we will charge them a lot of money.
The world of commerce is strange and terrible, and so I don't want you to think about commerce. I want you to think about pseudomonas and plastic microfibers in the tap water. I want you to think about sanitation overload. I want you to think about too much water everywhere, and none of it fit to drink. Commerce is a social fiction; cholera is real.
I am here to tell you today that government is not the solution. The market is not the solution. I am here to tell you that there *is no solution*, because those cancer monkeys will take the medicine we give them, and go on smoking cigarettes. Because people are stupid, and organized groups of stupid humans are just organized, efficient stupidity.
Which brings up another point: I do not want to see "efficiency" stinking up my facility. Efficiency is for people with diploma-mill MBAs, libertarians, and other parasites. Efficiency has never solved a problem in the entire history of the human race. Efficiency makes processes more profitable, but we are not in the business of processes. We are in the business of extracting money from cancer monkeys. They give us money, we give them ways to clean just enough water to live long enough to have more monkeys. You can see why, given this built-in advantage, efficiency is both unnecessary and in fact contrary to our interests.
Let me say this again: There is no room for efficiency in infrastructure analysis.
In closing, I don't want anyone to worry about the truck load of missiles that drove in circles in our parking lot for twenty minutes last night. That was just a shipping error on the part of one of our clients, and has been rectified.
That is all. You may now return to your labors."

Sep. 28
Your universe is defective.
A proper universe would imply that a species that gained enough intelligence to have some sort of sense of self-interest wouldn't care about things like national "pride", race, or even making weapons specifically designed to wipe themselves out entirely.
It would probably also have great big Goddamn lizards stomping around. Because that would be kind of cool, too.

Sept. 29
Things I said at work today:
(To my boss) "This ain't your grandpa's apocalypse."
(To Billy) "Can you get me the numbers for cholera in Thailand right now? Also typhoid and psuedomonas. And infant mortality for the last 4 years. How about pizza for lunch?"
(To new database admin lady) "Stop worrying about Billy. He'll come around. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Oct. 3
So, bad 60s dancing to "Everybody Talks" in my office with my boss, Billy, and the Occupant Services lady. New database admin lady walks to office door. Stops. Stares.
Dances the Watusi.
She stays.
 
Oct. 4
So Billy and I come rolling back up to the plant in the truck. Seats back, hand on top of steering wheel, all pimped out with Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" bumping on the stereo.
My boss and new database admin lady just stared at us like we were some kinda weird bird, for reasons that escape me.
 
Oct. 5
Today's test run: Horrible failure. Plant off line. Chillers very over. Sewage treatment plant flooded. I think my office sank. Nobody has seen Billy in hours, religious engineer guy has locked himself in his office, and the coyotes are circling like hammerhead sharks.
This is what SCIENCE looks like.
 
Oct. 6
Today was like watching the future sail away on a burning camel.

Oct. 6
My boss: *yells at me for 2 HOURS.*
Me: "You're wrong."
My boss: "..."
Me: "That's an alarming shade of purple"

Oct. 6
Billy: "If you knew the world was ending, and there was no way to prevent it, would you tell anyone?"
Me: "I'd tell EVERYONE."

Oct. 14
Giraffes can't enjoy coffee because it's cold by the time it reaches their stomach. But you never think about that, because you only think about yourself.

Oct. 16
At work today:
Billy: "Matter tells space how to bend, and space tells matter how to move."
Me: "You know what tells me how to move?"
Billy: "No, and I don't..."
Me: "Devine. You know what tells me how to bend?"
Billy: "Stop."
Me: "STILL DEVINE, BILLY."
Billy: "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOSS?"
Me: "DEVINE TELLS ME HOW TO BEND. NOTHING IS WRONG."

Oct. 17
14.5 hours of nonstop WrongScienceô, because the world is delivered to your doorstep by terrible deeds. And exhaustion.
Little Billy fell out at 12 hours, because he is young, and the young are weak, and they cannot concentrate without blood sugar. I, on the other hand, am made out of scabs and scar tissue, and can live for 3 days on a rat that I swallowed whole.

Oct. 19
Today at work:
Boss: "I have to go, so as soon as <horrible maintenance emergency> is over, I'm out of here."
Me: "You should go now. This is going to take hours."
Boss: "I can't, because <horrible maintenance emergency>"
Me: "And what are you going to accomplish here? Do you think we are somehow not going to do our best if you leave?"
Boss: "No, but..."
Me: "Go. You can text me or call me if it starts bugging you."
Boss: "Okay." *leaves*
*Billy walks in*
Me: "Billy, hold my cell phone for the next two hours."
Billy: "What? Why?"
Me: "Don't question it. If the boss calls, tell her you're trapped in the rubble."
 
Oct. 20
I now have 5 petabytes of storage at work, so you are all being moved into it.
I shall be a kindly overlord.
 
Oct. 23
My workplace is careening off into insanity. Today I was told the safety committee will be deciding what critical spare parts I need to stock in the plant.
At this point, I'm just riding the roller coaster. Which is on fire. And has run out of tracks.
"This is normal, Billy."
 
Oct. 24
Billy is pretending to be horrified by my behavior today. He's such a kidder.
"This is all normal, Billy."
"No, it's not, boss. That was totally out of line. You had people screaming at you in Polish."
"They made unreasonable demands, and I felt something should be said."
"You called them mental defectives. AND you scared Mister Rogers" (Note: our safety manager looks exactly like Mr Rogers, and acts like him for the most part.)
"Harsh times, Billy, harsh times."
"You can't make Mr Rogers hide in his office, Sam. For God's sake."
"I can. I did. I felt my point needed to be driven home."
"You're crazier than those Polish dudes, you know that?"
*stops walking and looks at Billy for like 2 seconds too long*
"This is all normal, Billy."
 
Oct. 25
Things my boss said:
"I have been training my entire life to even, and now I can't."

Oct. 25
America, you can rest easy during these turbulent times. Billy and I are working on a set of solutions. With actual SCIENCEô. So everyone stop screaming and send more funding.

Oct. 26
15 straight hours of SCIENCE. Work successful, probably no actual laws broken. Excerpt from 90 minutes ago:
Me "Wake the hell up, Billy."
Billy: "What time is it? OH GOD WE'VE BEEN HERE 14 HOURS WATCHING THIS STUPID THING TEAR ITSELF TO PIECES. I'M TOO TIRED TO THINK."
Me: "You aren't paid to think, Billy, you are paid to spill science on things."
Billy: "I THINK I REMEMBER HAVING A LIFE."
Me: "Having a life is like STEALING FROM THE COMPANY, BILLY. Also, if this is just work to you, you aren't being paid enough, or you're being paid way too much. Anyway, go home, I will finish up."
Billy: "FUCK. Thanks."
Me: "See you at 5:30 AM."
Billy: "Wait. What?"
Me: "Good night, Billy."

Oct. 28
17 hours of adventure. Sam spent an hour crawling through a utility tunnel with a flashlight in his teeth. Sam's boss wants to know why he's so happy than only 5 breakers failed on restart.
Me: "When you don't service substations for 5 years, shit sometimes doesn't come back on like you think it ought to."
Boss: "So we're down a chiller, a well, an air compressor and a half dozen instruments, and you're HAPPY?"
Me: "You take your victories where you find them, boss."
Boss: "WTF?"
Billy: "This is all normal, boss."
I love Billy. Billy needs a raise, and maybe even a day off. Well, maybe just a raise. No need to get all carried away.

Oct. 28
I live in the Sonoran desert and somehow I have gone 72 hours without seeing the sun.

Oct. 31
Our religious engineer got a new bumpersticker that says "Legalize Jesus."
Me: "I think they should legalize beer, too."
Engineer: "Beer is legal."
Me: "But people don't have to drink it, which is almost like making it illegal. People run around drinking whiskey, even."
Engineer: "That's hardly the same thing."
Billy: "Some freaks even drink hard cider."
Me: "It's like this isn't even AMERICA, anymore."
Engineer: "Fuck you guys."
Billy: "You just swore. For like the first time ever. You're ADORABLE."
 
Nov. 1
Tips on dealing with treachery on the part of your direct reports, #312:
Keep them too busy to plot effectively. Make necessary improvements to systems only when they get comfortable with said systems, if the changes can wait that long.
If you MUST communicate, tell everyone the information in a slightly different format, so you'll know who ratted you out to the boss.
 
Nov. 2
Things I said at work today, with my bare face hanging out:
1. "I told you those bugs [sulfur reducing bacteria] were gonna get out of control. You just stand there while we shame you, you soggy bastard."
2. "Yes, I do have to get lippy about it. I warned you about this for 6 months. I have to go shit, so Billy will be shaming you in my place."
3. "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl? Fucking nobody."

Nov. 4
17 hours of NOPE. No, you cannot do that, because of basic physical laws. No, put Billy down, he has some admittedly marginal value and I have no time to interview his replacement. No, if your project is now flat, slightly radioactive, and smoldering, you are not getting additional funding, and you should probably start the whole plausible denial thing now. Nope, I am not father confessor at this pay rate, and I am utterly uninterested in your horrible woes or slightly criminal/unethical behavior and the consequences thereof.
Go ahead and complain to my boss. I'm the EASY option, and SHE will frame your bits and hang them in the conference room.
 
Nov. 6
Things I said at work today:
*Billy and I watching a guy in <corporation X>'s lab coat walking down the middle of the road in a trance-like state*
Billy: "We should call someone."
Me: "Yep. Gonna call <corporation X> security and have this guy collected up."
Billy: "Shouldn't we maybe call the paramedics?"
Me: "Have you never watched a horror film? Or an epidemic scare flick?"
Billy: "But this is real life."
Me: "Yes, Billy, and that is *exactly* why I am doing what everyone in those horror films SHOULD have done. 500 needless deaths a year would be prevented if people just followed protocol."
Billy: "You just made that number up."
Me: "Yes, but it's still true."
 
Nov. 6
So today I learned that not only do I have to give Billy a day off every 13 days, but I have to take one myself.
How the hell is shit supposed to get done?
 
Nov. 7
Billy: "So you're being investigated by the safety department for *following* both the law and the IEEE best practices?"
Me: "This is all normal, Billy."


Nov. 9
So, I am under investigation at work for *following* code & IEEE standards, and the two weasels who initiated it managed to pull the sole controlling meter out of a tank without isolating the process equipment, dumping a few dozen thousand gallons of potable water onto the desert, and by sheer luck alone managed to not smoke the pumps, which are at the bottom of 500 foot shafts. I am not allowed to name them in the incident investigation, because "no regulations were violated" (except every single OSHA rule on energy isolation, and county, state, and federal rules on containment, but who's counting?)
I am now actively looking for another job.

Nov. 14
Okay, so Billy and I are looking at this jockey pump that keeps pressure up on a few larger pumps. It's pumping from a tank system at 200 gallons per minute, for 8 hours or so a day.
Problem: None of the tank levels are going down. We checked, both in the system, and by physically climbing up on the tanks and looking in to verify their levels.
Billy: "I think we should quit, this place is haunted."
Me: "Nonsense. This is just one of those reality cracks we have in Tucson from time to time. Water is probably just leaking in from another universe."
Billy: "Or water is somehow getting back into the tank."
Me: "There are no other ways for water to get in. Look."
Billy: "Okay, haunted. We should quit."
Me: "People sometimes PAY for this kind of shit, you know."
Billy: "I didn't. This is spooky, and I don't like it. Who ordered this?"
Me: "This is all nor..."
Billy: "NO, IT ISN'T NORMAL. WE'VE GOT GODDAMN ELDER GODS IN OUR TANK FARM OR SOME SHIT. THIS IS NOT NORMAL."
Me: "This is all ftang, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on November 15, 2017, 01:08:57 pm
10/10.  Would read again.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on November 15, 2017, 04:10:45 pm
Reading this was the perfect start to my day. Keep on keepin' on, Dok.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on November 15, 2017, 07:58:48 pm
:mittens:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 01:19:15 am
i'm going to make a comic strip based on your adventures and make millions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 03:30:46 am
i'm going to make a comic strip based on your adventures and make millions.


Comics artists all starve to death.  This is known.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 03:42:19 am
Another day of absolute failure.  The controllers I said were bad - and of which I was assured by *non-technical people* could not be the problem, because I am Doktor Howl and Doktor Howl cannot be right - shat the bed completely today, knocking the system down and stopping 3800 tons of water on a dime.  This created a water hammer that shook the entire building, and cracked a pipe that cannot be isolated without taking down the jockey pump.  The main pumps cannot run without the jockey pump.  The chillers cannot run without the mains.

So now we need a full unplanned outage, because I am leaking 100 GPM of water, molybdenum, phosphoric acid, chlorine, and chlorine dioxide into the basement.  And that crack ain't getting any smaller, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

So no weekend for me.  Again.

On the bright side, this happened:

Me:  "So you are 4 classes from your masters, and you aren't enrolled?"

New Database Admin Lady:  "Um, I just started here.  I can't take that kind of time off.  The classes are all daytime."

Me:  "So work odd hours.  Your job is not shift-dependent."

NDBAL:  "You're serious?"

Me:  "Yes.  I will put it in an email, if you like.  Also, we have tuition reimbursement."

NDBAL:  *Walks off looking happy*

Billy: "I knew you were a big softie, boss."

Me:  "Pffft.  That lady is going to be our boss one fine day."

Billy:  "You think?"

Me:  "I know.  At least if I have anything to say about it.  You can't pick many things in life, but if you're lucky, you can pick your boss."

Billy:  "So it wasn't altruism.  Strangely enough, that makes me feel better."

Me:  "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl?  Fucking nobody."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 22, 2017, 12:43:20 am
Me:  "...And so the programming is setting up the problem, because an "or" condition should have been an "and" condition, so if one sensor of two goes bad, the whole system freaks out, all the pumps come on, we overfill the tank, and we put poop on dirt."

Boss:  *looks dubious*

Me:  "It's simple Boolean algebra.  Look for yourself."

Boss:  "We need to get an engineer involved." 

Billy:  "What?  Why?"

Me:  "Billy, that is management code for "We're not going to address the problem, because doing something is riskier than, say, putting poop on dirt and getting the county up our colons sideways with a surfboard."

Boss:  "What?  No it isn't."

Me:  "How many problems that we have 'gotten an engineer involved' in have been completed?"

Boss:  "You aren't paid to be an engineer."

Me:  "No, I am paid to wait for engineering.  I am going to my office to listen to Lady Gaga and wait for the engineers to fix everything."

Boss:  *freaks the hell out, stomps off*

Billy:  "You're going to push her too far one day, boss."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Billy:  "You're going to get fired."

Me:  "Hush, Billy, it's Lady Gaga time."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 22, 2017, 01:00:48 am
Also today:

Me:  "That girl threw *what* at you?"

Billy:  "Her cat."

Me:  "Why do you keep hanging out with her?"

Billy:  "She has a big butt."

Me:  "A big butt isn't everything, Billy."

Billy:  "BOSS, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.  LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bu☆ns on November 22, 2017, 02:14:04 am
Love this thread  :lulz:

(https://media0.giphy.com/media/OswzXCtFYfdi8/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on November 22, 2017, 05:33:08 pm
Comics artists starving to death notwithstanding, I truly believe this could have potential to be a "Dilbert for a new generation" kinda thing. I mean that in the best way possible; no offense intended whatsoever.

Not that any of this NEEDS graphical representation. It's pretty much perfect as-is.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 11, 2018, 03:44:15 am
Me:  "Okay, Billy, we're employed again.  I start next Monday, you'll start on Thursday."

Billy:  "We're really going to do this?  Run a friggin' town full of rich old people?"

Me:  "Is that somehow different than running a research facility?  Both are full of people who know everything, want to make sure you know they know everything, and who are insanely afraid of any change at all.  Difference is, the old people are right to fear change."

Billy:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "If you're 70 years old and rich, what does upcoming change have to offer you?"

Billy:  "Intubation for the last few months of your life?"

Me:  "Exactly.  So it is our job to make sure they don't ever notice any change ever."

Billy:  "I think they're going to notice the tube."

Me:  "Yes, but by that point, they're not our problem anymore."

Billy:  "I can't put my finger on it, but what you just said sounds unethical somehow."

Me:  "It's the circle, Billy.  The circle of liiiiiiiiiiife!"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 11, 2018, 01:35:38 pm
I eagerly await updates (or minutes from council meetings)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 11, 2018, 05:21:38 pm
I missed this thread somehow until the most recent bump. It's awesome!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 19, 2018, 12:23:51 am
Things I said at work today:

"Billy, this is Chef Ronald.  Don't get too close, he is a tightly-wound ball of anger and lives to make people cry.  Chef, this is Billy.  He has never in his life cried, and I doubt you can do the job, either."

"There is absolutely no reason for signs that say 'no adult diapers' around a pool for rich old people who have never had to obey rules in their lives.  Just order more pool supplies and try not to think about it."

"Before, I was untitled and lowly.  Now I am DIRECTOR Tarwell, and it has in fact gone straight to my head.  I am mad with power.  I'm basically the shithead politician/exec that dies gruesomely at the end of the movie, but has amazing cuff links.  Stop looking at me that way."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2018, 01:11:58 am
So one of my janitorial crew members is apparently Billy's long-lost twin brother.

*standing by the water treatment plant*

Nick:  "So you guys know about this sort of thing?"

Me:  "Yup."

Nick:  "What's it like in there?"

Billy:  "Unadulterated horror."

Nick:  "What?"

Me:  "It's basically world war I in there.  Non-stop chemical warfare, only the Huns are microbes."

Billy:  "Genocide every day.  If things go right."

Nick:  "But they're just germs."

Billy:  "'Just germs, he says."

Me:  "You need to see the sewage treatment plant on the South end.  It's the other way around there...By which I mean, you spend all day trying to keep germs alive."

Nick:  "Why?"

Billy:  "What do you think eats the poop?"

Nick:  "I never thought about it, really."

Me:  "Imagine a few billion workers, furiously eating shit all day, while trying not to drown."

Nick:  "So, like my life."

Nick gets it.  Nick is not going to be a janitor for long.  No, Billy and I see big things ahead for him, and I think maybe he needs to get moved into the water management side of things.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on January 20, 2018, 05:03:19 am
I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 20, 2018, 08:17:13 pm
I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me

 :lulz:  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2018, 02:41:56 am
Things I said at work today:

"The next person I catch standing on the top of a self-supporting ladder gets to clean out the spa."

"Boss, Billy and Nick are freaking me out.  They've been working together all day and I can't catch them fucking off.  This isn't natural.  And now I have to fuck off all by myself."

"If being a director means I can't dance to Abba with the HR lady, then what's the POINT?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 24, 2018, 12:22:56 am
*Billy & Nick, outside of my office*

Billy:  "Look at that.  He's eerily life-like."

Nick:  "I keep expecting him to move or something."

Me:  "UM, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE, ARSE BISCUITS."

Nick:  "IT TALKS!"

Me:  "It also hands out assignments.  Like who's gonna go unstop the men's room toilet next to the main gym."

I looked up at this point, but they were gone, like a fart in the night.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2018, 01:57:46 am
As of today, Nick is now maintenance instead of a custodian.

Me: ..."And this comes with a $4/hour increase."

Nick: "NICE.  When does my raise become effective?"

Me:  "When you do."

Nick:  "..."

Me:  "It's like you're moving in slow motion."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2018, 02:08:52 am
So, replacing Nick after a promotion is a thing.  Poached on the kitchens, stole their part-timer dishwasher.

Me:  "And this isn't a done deal, Chris.  Yes, it's a raise, it's full time, and you get benefits for the first time in your life, but it's also more work.  And you will work, or out you go.  You have two options, here:  You can fail and go back to the kitchens, or you can shake your ass like your momma taught you and get things done.  If you do that, eventually you will move up to better things.  The custodial manager is a merciless tyrant, and he is frankly opposed to all of this, so know in advance that it's going to be an uphill battle. So, that being said, do you still want this?"

Chris:  "Yes."

Me:  "Good.  We're going to do great things."

Chris:  "As a janitor?"

Me:  "Stack that up next to three and a half years of washing dishes 20 hours/week.  If you want a career in the trades, it's a long hard slog.  This is because you are young and those of us who make decisions are old, and we hate you for your youth.  I mean, really, I could just stick you straight into an apprenticeship and you'd do fine, but that isn't how these things work.  You don't have enough bile yet, and you wouldn't appreciate things properly."

Chris:  "Wow.  Billy and Nick weren't kidding.  You're nuts."

Me:  "That is an illusion caused by the fact that you are on THAT side of the desk and I am on THIS side of the desk.  However, I admire your courage in saying so, so we'll just start you off cleaning the locker rooms for the gyms."

Chris:  "Fuck."

Me:  "Consider this your first lesson:  Speaking truth to power is often painful, and solves nothing at all.  Now, it's time to go to work."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on January 25, 2018, 07:40:00 am
So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 26, 2018, 12:52:27 am
So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?

I apply the Cain rule in that case.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 26, 2018, 01:28:57 am
Things I said at work today:

"When you're talking about OSHA, the difference between 'should' and 'shall' is the difference between 'my bad' and '6 years in prison.'

"Go home, boss.  One hour of well-rested work is worth 8 hours of fatigued work.  Why do I even have to say this?  Turn off your computer and go home.  All of this horrormirth will still be here tomorrow."

"Billy, the best way to deal with a troublesome employee is to promote him or her.  The person will either rocket past your expectations or else explode spectacularly in the breakdown lane, and it turns out I win either way."

"So as I understand the story, God tossed humans out of Eden, and the humans said, 'Well, fuck, we'll just make our OWN Eden' and the following 10,000 years has been the resulting attempt to mimic magic with technology.  Now, I personally don't buy into the idea of a higher being, but plenty of people do, and we have to understand the way they think and even pretend to respect their beliefs.  I mean, if they're in a position to give us grief.  And let me tell you, the theists around us are indeed in a position to make our professional lives a series of tragic misunderstandings.  So we're all gonna smile and nod and make appropriate noises when the good citizens of our town tell us about how Jesus feels about the border wall."


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on January 28, 2018, 03:24:50 am
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: PoFP on January 29, 2018, 02:42:58 pm
 :lulz: This thread is fucking glorious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 01:11:07 am
Billy:  "It's so weird seeing you in a suit."

Me:  "I know.  I already feel more evil."

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 30, 2018, 06:35:13 am

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"


Well...have you?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 11:56:00 pm

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"


Well...have you?

Yes, but only as a guide on how NOT to run a business.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:07:34 am
Things that were said at work today:

Me:  "I don't understand why it is so difficult to understand that if you sign a contract, you have to hold up your end of it.  But here I have paid you on schedule for work that turns out to be completely substandard.  And now, mid-contract, you are claiming that you need more money for slipshod work because the minimum wage went up.  This boggles the mind.  First, it isn't really my business or my problem that you pay people crap and can't keep employees for more than a few weeks.  Second, I want to introduce you to a term which may be new to you:  'penalty clause', a term which I am now invoking.  My part of this conversation is over, and you will continue it with Horrible David, our lawyer.  He is a nasty man who doesn't even understand the term 'reasonable'.  So take the interval between conversations to mull over all the bad business decisions that have led you to this point.  Good day, sir."

Billy:  "Chris, you know how some people have 'resting bitch face'?  Well, the boss has 'resting evil glee face', but you gotta understand that he's cheerfully evil all the way down to his bones and if you don't start moving your ass, he'll move it for you."

Nick (to Billy):  "What the hell is the boss doing?"
Billy (to Nick):  "He says he's trying to invent 'Desk Haka'.  Better to pretend you don't notice."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:21:05 am
Also today at work, in safety meeting:

Me:  "Boss, are you scratching your back with a knife?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 01:17:08 am
The pools at the facility I run are 2,500,000 gallon standard Olympic size pools.  So, at 4 ppm chlorine, that's 8.5 gallons of chlorine, at ten pounds per gallon.  Now, rich old people get in the pool.  The amount of piss a horrible old rich person can contain is 0.13 gallons.  Mixing that much urine with chlorinated water would produce .01 pounds of chloramine gas.   So when 8500 people piss in the pool, the free chlorine crashes, because it's all been turned to chloramine, which doesn't show up on a free chlorine test, but the chlorides are still in the water, only nastier and more prone to off-gas in sunlight.

The water crashes twice a year.  Which means 47 of the old bastards are pissing in the pool EVERY DAY, and then complaining that the water is making their eyes burn.

Science:  Not always your friend.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on January 31, 2018, 01:29:50 am
:horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :fap:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 31, 2018, 05:28:26 am
'Desk Haka'
'Bout died when I read that.
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on January 31, 2018, 06:59:58 am
You know those signs you sometimes see near pools that start "Welcome to our ool"

I've thought for a long time now that someone should make one that starts "Welcome to our l".

Just throwing that out there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 31, 2018, 08:57:16 pm
:horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :fap:

This
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 am
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on February 01, 2018, 01:39:58 am
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

 :lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 01:47:41 am
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

 :lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?

Yep.  The world's most dedicated pervert.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2018, 01:29:58 am
Things that got said at work today:

#1  Me:  "Yes, I AM dancing in my office.  You may have noticed that I have an excessive amount of energy, which unkind people might even describe as 'manic'.  I can shed that energy dancing to 'Everybody Talks', or I can use it to find things for you to do."

#2  Billy:  "So we're going to build an entire SCADA system for the swimming pools?"
Me:  "Also the HVAC units."
Billy:  "Isn't that going just a little overboard?"
Me:  *looks at Billy in Boss*
Nick:  "Seriously, it's overkill."
Me:  "Then what am I gonna do with the 500 Bluetooth transmitters that we found in the storage room?"
Nick:  "We could just ignore them.  They probably belong to the IT guy or something."
Me:  *looks at Nick in More Boss*
Billy:  "Okay, whatever. I'm just saying that..."
Me:  "Despite our reduced circumstances, there is SCIENCE around here somewhere.  I can smell it."
Billy:  "Oh, shit, here we go."
Nick:  "Wait.  What?"
Me:  "Hush.  There's work to be done."

#3  Boss:  "You're just going to hand the water numbers over to the board?"
Me:  "Well, they have a right to know.  I'm just inflicting the truth."
Boss:  "They're gonna shit."
Me:  "Then I guess we'll just have to do better."
Boss:  "No, seriously, they're going to shit."
Me:  "This is how we do it.  Drag everything out in daylight, see what wiggles. Besides, WE didn't pee in the pool.  Unless there's something you want to tell me."
Boss:  *looks at me in Boss*
Me:  "Okay, fine.  I won't EXPLAIN it, I'll just publish it."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on February 02, 2018, 01:34:58 am
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2018, 03:07:42 am
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.

I am a lofty director now.  I have more than 50 minions.  It's just that these two are awesome.

My common areas manager is also awesome, but more in the "consummate professional" way.  She's a real joy to have around, despite the lack of laughs. 

She is also the senior manager, but ranks 4th out of 5 in pay, strangely enough.  Have to fix that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 08, 2018, 12:13:04 am
*watching Riverdance rehearsal at the theater*

*dancer falls off of stage*

Billy:  "Ouch."

Me:  "It's a great day to be alive, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2018, 12:53:50 am
My boss wanted me to write an article on pool hygiene so that people would stop getting in the pool without showering and maybe stop pissing in the pool and shaving their legs in the spa, etc.

So I did.

Then he read what I wrote, and told me that perhaps we should take out a radio ad or something instead.  Or put up more signs.

Nick:  "Well, sure.  We probably don't want to tell them what's actually going on."

Me:  "Yes, we do.  I mean, I SAID the water was fine, I just said how much money it costs to keep it that way when everyone's treating the pools like they were latrines."

Boss:  *Looks at me in boss*

Me:  "Fine.  Nick, order up another 500 pounds of carbon."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on February 13, 2018, 09:34:49 am
So what do you do with all that carbon when it's, err... full?

Can you just lay it out in the sun and let it ventilate itself, and then reuse it?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2018, 12:23:59 am
So what do you do with all that carbon when it's, err... full?

Can you just lay it out in the sun and let it ventilate itself, and then reuse it?

You stuck it in a "Blue Oven" and crank the temp up to 400+.  In a well-ventilated area.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2018, 12:06:37 am
At work today:

Billy:  "What do you look so grumpy about?"

Me:  "The new guy."

Billy:  "Who, Kevin?  What's wrong with him?"

Me:  "I sent him to fix the blower on roof 3."

Billy:  "And?"

Me:  "He did it."

Billy:  "So, what's the problem?"

Me:  "While he was doing that, he noticed that one of the hot water heaters was out.  So he fixed that."

Billy:  "That's good, right?"

Me:  "And while he was doing THAT, he noticed some dodgy wiring, so he pulled new wire in parallel, opened the circuit, landed the new wires, and yanked the crappy stuff out. While he was in process of doing THAT, he found that the breakers weren't labeled, so he got the print, verified ALL of the circuits, and labeled them with proper placards instead of a sharpy."

Billy:  "Holy crap, it's not even lunch time."

Me:  "I know."

Billy:  "This isn't natural."

Me:  "I know.  And God won't let me have nice things unless he's gonna drizzle crap all over them first, so I am just sitting here and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Billy:  "But what if there isn't another shoe?"

Me:  "Have you learned NOTHING?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on February 24, 2018, 03:24:51 am

Billy:  "But what if there isn't another shoe?"

Me:  "Have you learned NOTHING?"
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 01, 2018, 11:51:01 pm
At work today:

Me: "I got bored and put a mirror in the scanner and suddenly I'm somewhere where Trump is president and people blame kids for being shot at in school."

Billy:  "I hate you."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 23, 2018, 01:24:45 am
So Billy has given his notice.  The sanitation plant offered him $12,000 more a year and a slot as the second shift plant supervisor.

I should be happy for his treasonous good fortune, I suppose.  But I am a jealous and wrathful god, and I have brought him into the think tank I am connected with.  He's got to be horrified by *someone*, after all.

In the meantime, I am gonna ramp the fun up, because I only have until two weeks from tomorrow before he's a vendor and not an employee.  And you know what *that* means.

Yes.  It's time for a dance-off.  A MANDATORY dance-off.  The HR lady says I can't do that but that I should anyway, and that she's participating to lead by example.

So what I need is music that sounds like you SHOULD be able to dance to, but that you actually can't.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 11:57:04 am
The Birthday Party, Swampland (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX5zIMUW2qc)

Nomeansno, Metronome (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXUjeftjl2A)

Eric Dolphy, Hat and Beard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tnPkQufnZY)

Einsturzende Neubauten, Z.N.S. (https://youtu.be/sW80JfXLZGs)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Hoopla! on March 23, 2018, 12:55:02 pm
Funhouse by the Stooges. Iíve tried. Itís a no-go.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 01:02:51 pm
Funhouse by the Stooges. Iíve tried. Itís a no-go.

Balls.  I mean, it looks like an epileptic fit, but it's possible.

Here's the track, by the way. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bX275Crxxc)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Hoopla! on March 23, 2018, 01:31:53 pm
Oh shit. Just realized I was thinking of the wrong song. I meant No Fun by the Stooges. Oops.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 02:26:20 pm
Ok, I'll give you that one.  Mid-Tempo, and obscures the back beat. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-4icrlZbaY)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 24, 2018, 12:52:39 am
At work today:

Billy:  "Well, when I go to the new job, I won't have to take any shit off you anymore."  (Billy is leaving to run the local sanitation district's second shift)

Me:  "Do you even hear yourself talking?  I am in fact going to give you shit.  Something like 2 tons of shit each and every day.  Your entire career will consist of nothing more than you taking shit off of me.  It's literally your new job description."

Billy:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on March 24, 2018, 06:34:53 am
To be completely honest, I'm not a music person and am probably not the best person to judge what can or cannot be danced to, but for some reason this comes to mind.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH5TZaUTX8A
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 05, 2018, 02:05:16 am
Billy, Kevin, and I, standing across the street from the transformers and cable nodes.

Kevin:  "So if we pull 3 more strands of fiber optics from the node, we can..."

*dump truck takes the corner wide, smashes the node flat, half the town loses cable and internet*

Billy:  "Or we could just install a new node."

Me:  "Yes, that seems to be the option now."

Kevin:  "DID YOU GUYS JUST SEE THAT SHIT?"

Me:  "Well, yes.  We're not blind."

Kevin:  "THAT DUMBASS JUST SQUISHED $50,000 WORTH OF GEAR."

Billy:  "Yeah.  Saw that."

Kevin:  "THAT'S HALF THE DAMN CITY DISCONNECTED."

Me:  "Obviously."

Kevin: "..."

Kevin:  "This shit doesn't bother you guys?"

Billy:  "This is all normal, Kevin."

Me:  "Just another day in Bastard City."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 05, 2018, 12:51:14 pm
I like this one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 06, 2018, 12:54:18 am
I like this one.

Kevin is still adjusting to Tucson.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 06, 2018, 01:00:30 pm
When's Billy's last day?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2018, 06:04:55 am
When's Billy's last day?

Today was his last day.  There's a good story in this, but it will have to wait until my blood sugar is where it needs to be.

Monday he gets the first two tons of shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 12, 2018, 01:12:48 am
I am on this "energy committee" thing at work. It hasn't even actually been formed yet, nobody has been confirmed as a member. I am already being emailed by people who are *most likely* going to be members, and all of them are saying, "These are our conclusions, please warp the data to fit."

Also, the engineer involved is hilariously condescending. Today, he tried to explain to me what a kilowatt hour is, because I am obviously a trogdolyte who thinks that electricity is magic given to us by the Gods.

And here I am, with no Billy to assist me in my horrible mockery.   :cry:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2018, 12:35:26 pm
I have faith in your HorriblenessTM.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 13, 2018, 12:45:15 am
Kevin: "I can't understand it. I checked everything, and the fiber optics still aren't working."

Me: "You sure you checked everything?"

Kevin: "I walked the entire building."

Me: "Oh. I probably should have told you...Someone ran the node over. Again."

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30657213_1794929940558654_1094788241787191296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6aff0a993c4ac1e3d0d04586b4da3ec1&oe=5B60024C)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Vanadium Gryllz on April 13, 2018, 02:09:47 am
Completely flattened it!

Do these people just drive off after smashing the nodes?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 13, 2018, 12:45:00 pm
I like how you strung Kevin along on that one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 06:07:33 am
I like how you strung Kevin along on that one.

Troubleshooting sometimes includes noticing the obvious.  Like a gigantic truck full of sand repeatedly driving over your signal source, forever.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 06:08:20 am
Completely flattened it!

Do these people just drive off after smashing the nodes?

The first truck driver did.  I heard he made bail.

The second guy just stood there looking sheepish until the cops showed up, so it was just an insurance thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 08:32:44 am
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2018, 08:33:37 pm
Things I said at work today:

1.  "The reason you dislike your job is because you have not yet been exposed to academia."
2.  "No, we cannot post ads in the paper about your missing boa constrictor.  How the hell did you lose a boa constrictor?  How big was it?  Oh, this should be an interesting week or so."
3.  "Boss, I don't feel it's fair to ask me to keep a straight face about a homeowner losing a 12 foot boa constrictor in a town full of cranky & slow old MAGA people.  This is how I get my happy thoughts, you knew that when you hired me."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 16, 2018, 10:59:18 pm
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with a pentagon for an office.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 17, 2018, 01:12:30 am
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with a pentagon for an office.

I am apparently not designed to be viewed by the general public, and my henchmen are worse.

So they found an extradimensional space for our exile.

CALL ME ZOD, HUMANS!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 17, 2018, 10:11:01 pm
Kevin:  "You should stop laughing, boss.  This isn't funny."

Me:  "There are no possible conditions under which this isn't funny."

Kevin:  "She was seriously injured."

Me:  "Yes.  She was seriously injured because she was walking on the Spanish tiles on a roof on which she had no business being, trying to catch waiters fucking off out back for a smoke.  How the hell did she even get up there?  I don't know.  You don't know.  Nobody fucking knows, and she ain't saying.  So instead of doing her flying nun routine, she fell.  And she fell because God hates a busy-body snitch who has no better way to spend her retirement than criminal trespassing in an attempt to get a minimum wage employee fired."

Kevin:  "Well, when you say it like that..."

Me:  "Damn right.  God hates snitches, I hate snitches, and every right-thinking human being hates snitches."

Kevin:  "Harsh."

Me:  "Remember Judas Iscariot?  Neither do I."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 01:49:12 am
Also, Tucson rush hour traffic horror:

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32842136_1830616873656627_4420542995749666816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=745f5899a632ac7c5baea812fc5c38d0&oe=5B7894A4)

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32878782_1830616953656619_6915105270221766656_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=c8dfbfff14fd312e3f42a7ff98e284b5&oe=5B79E739)

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32780098_1830617040323277_1240573884378382336_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=79d09bbf84551457545da6a201ace4c3&oe=5B81066D)

I was barely doing 70 MPH on account of that one guy.  This isn't reasonable.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 08:09:29 pm
So, the Great Snake Scare in this joint went viral pretty quickly.  Patrol's phones are blowing up, as are admins, mine, the executive director's, everyone.

Nobody has SEEN the snake (that part of the hysteria will come later).  Instead, everyone is scared because they DON'T see it...Which is, in the case of a monster 12' boa constrictor, not unreasonable.  What isn't reasonable is what they're asking for.

1.  "How long will it take you to find the snake?"
2.  "How do I know if the snake is around without being able to see it?"
3.  "What do we do if the snake attacks my corgi?"

The answers, so far:

1.  "Ma'am, if I knew that, I would know where the snake is, and the answer would be 'the problem is over'."
2.  "Sir, I don't even know where to start with you."
3.  "Wager on the snake, get a new corgi."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 18, 2018, 09:01:52 pm
I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 09:06:58 pm
I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.

I honestly can't see a bad ending for this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2018, 11:03:58 pm
Even the fabulous Doktor can make mistakes.

Converted a supply closet to a kiln room for a glass kiln.  Got the spacing right, power provided, fire department sign-off, everything.

I mean, everything except the air conditioning return.  Didn't think of that bit.

So the return in the old supply room starts shipping the smell of fusing glass into the accounting office.  Like a lot.  Like a whole lot.  Like the accounting office smells like a crematorium.  So, vented the old supply room out of the ceiling, and pulled the return and dropped it in my office, which is on a different HVAC unit.  So every time the door is closed, my ears pop.

Recap:  Stink gone from accounting office, and my dimensionally-incorrect office is now also atmospherically-incorrect.

This can only get better.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 22, 2018, 01:17:20 pm
Whoops.  Maybe take it easy on the whole "warping space-time" for a bit?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 22, 2018, 02:11:05 pm
That pressure balance is just fine... for where that room is going.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on May 23, 2018, 03:59:21 am
Didn't think of that bit.

Y' made me laugh, you grizzled fuck
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:25:56 pm
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:29:20 pm
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 23, 2018, 08:33:51 pm
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 09:40:51 pm
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

 :lulz:

In my defense, it's outside of my area of responsibility and I would be stepping on the toes of the new Director of Grounds if I started making announcements.

The new director of grounds starts next week, so he can tell them.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 23, 2018, 10:00:22 pm
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 10:15:15 pm
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.

This problem has slowly grown over a two year period, apparently.


It can only be ghosts.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:09:51 pm
Sitting before me:  A stack of invoices from a hardware store.  All of them are overdue by up to 18 months.  None of them were submitted for payment when Steve picked up the various things he bought.

Standing in front of my desk:  A very defensive Steve, puffed up with primate threat posturing,  Imagine Chris Christie inflating to present a bigger threat.

Me:  "Have anything to say about this?"

Steve:  "I haven't got time for that bullshit."

Me:  "That's amazing, given that all you seem to do is make town runs to one store or another.  It would seem like there would be plenty of time to code your receipts.  It takes less than a minute."

Steve:  "Are you saying I don't do shit around here?"

Me:  "Yes.  Yes, I am saying that.  I am also saying that your paperwork is not in order.  The first sin is venal, the second is mortal."

Steve:  "What?"

Me:  "You have sinned in the eyes of the company, Steve.  You have sinned in the eyes of your manager and me.  More importantly, you have sinned in the eyes of Stephanie from accounting.  I'm the soft option, here."

Steve:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "No, you don't.  You have many options in this situation, but only one of them involves keeping your job.  That option is to sit down, code all 70 of these invoices properly by noon, and then give them back to me on the way to apologize to Stephanie for making her life more difficult that it has to be."

Steve:  "I ain't kissing any front office ass."

Me:  "This is a limited time offer.  You may agree in the next 7 seconds, or you will be walking out the door.  Please call my bluff."

Steve:  "OKAY FINE."

Me:  "Welcome to the road to redemption, Steve. Next time this happens, you're going to have to sing hymns."

*30 minutes go by.  Kevin walks in.*

Kevin:  "Are you really going to make him sing hymns?"

Me:  "Word gets around.  Yes.  Yes, if he does this again, he shall sing "A Mighty Fortress" because sinning against Stephanie definitely requires some Presbyterian-style repentence."

Kevin:  "How are you even functional?"

Me:  "This is all normal, Kevin."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 06:21:58 pm
 :lulz:

The punchline gets me, every time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:48:05 pm
:lulz:

The punchline gets me, every time.


What nobody seems to get is that "normal" does not mean "good" or "nice" or even "sane".  This is not the era to worry about whether or not your boss is all fucked up on tiny yellow pills.  No.  This is the era to GET SHIT DONE and then GRIN at the resulting devastation.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:55:19 pm
Also, LMNO, I may have to ask a favor.  I am being asked to "craft" a response to a situation between the board of the town I work for and the next one over.  I feel that it is crucial that this response be both utterly incomprehensible and also totally lacking any actual information, yet still seem to address the question.  So I turn to you and your known expertise in killing 1000 years of the development of the English language via corporate-speak.

When I know what it is they want, I'll post it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 08:55:38 pm
:fingers at the ready:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 08:57:22 pm
I'm in a meeting using a tablet.  People think I'm taking notes.

This is all horribly familiar.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 09:02:05 pm
What's funny is that I AM taking notes, thanks to voice-to-text, which leads me to believe my time could be more productively spent than, say, sitting through a meeting by a "finance" committee formed by people with commercial and/or industrial finance background to advise a non-profit organization.

Seriously, these fuckers have managed to institutionalize "Back in MY day..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 09:03:35 pm
I am just sitting here watching aggressive stupidity automagically fill a Word document.

Do we even need people at all anymore?  I'll have my machine insult your machine, we'll do lunch.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 25, 2018, 12:54:24 pm
(https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdObhsRe3QmbMRy/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 08, 2018, 07:08:20 pm
So, Denise caught fire today.  One of those tragic conference room things, LMNO can tell you about them.  One minute, you're fine, the next minute everyone's hollering and trying to find the fire extinguisher, and you're like "WHAT?"

In this case, the cause was obvious.  I had asked to borrow Denise from marketing to help enter some truly bizarre alkalinity results, based on some ideas I got from Zenpatista at our last periodic Geeks Night Out."  She's a nice young lady, and was glad to help.  Then she got interested in the problem itself.  She and I and my pool specialist spent two days beating our heads against the wall, when suddenly her eyes lit up.  You could almost see smoke coming out of them.

"You guys said that metal could 'flocc' with the extra base, right?"

"Yes."

"Your algaecide is mostly zinc."

Anthony and I look at each other. I look at Denise.  "I'm buying you lunch.  Its salmon today."  I also notice that she was bitten by the bug.  You can tell.  She just spent days working with her brain and  solved a very difficult problem by going over data until her eyes hurt, but SHE solved it, and we're all about giving her credit for it.  So far, so good.

But today she's at her regular job, and she is telling all of us in the meeting that she has negotiated a Cher tribute singer AND a Journey tribute band for the old fogeys in the richer facility...And that fire in her eyes from yesterday came out and caught her hair on fire.  She ignores this, and mentions that the citizens are unhappy that we can't get the REAL Neil Sedaka for next month, but that the guy they CAN get looks and sounds just like him.  That's when she exploded.

There were no survivors.   
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 08, 2018, 10:15:06 pm
I sympathize with her, of course, since I have been ON FIRE since 2007.  The part of your brain that you used as a kid, before we beat all the answers into you, is on full blast.  When you don't have a "gotcha" problem, you go find one.  It is the state of mind in which "because it always worked that way" becomes "Why does this stupid shit function at all, and how can we make it function BETTER, MORE AUTOMATED, AND REPORTING ITS CONDITION AT ALL TIMES?  We breathe PLC code and speak in SQL captures.  I want to see a new breed of technician, for whom NOTHING is "good enough" or "Put to bed", with blazing eyes and overheating junk in their steaming pants. A bright new future, all blowing itself to pieces every night, to be built FASTER BETTER SEXIER at 8 AM.

There is horrible science in everything, and if YOU knew what *I* know, you'd never get in a public swimming pool again, and you'd side-eye the toilet.  It's not on your side.




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2018, 06:06:32 pm
Billy and I had brunch today (a sign of how far I have fallen is that *brunch* is an acceptable term), to discuss how our various jobs are going and catching up on a few things that affect both of our companies:

Me:  "...And that's why the handicapped entrance doors sometimes close on people repeatedly."

Billy:  "How are you going to fix it?"

Me:  *blank stare*

Billy: "Oh, right.  Hang on, I have to go to the bathroom."

Me:  "You're only making more work for yourself."

Billy:  *blank stare*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 13, 2018, 10:45:57 pm
Kevin:  "The water at the bar at the main clubhouse tastes like ass."

Me:  "Like literal ass or just like ass?"

Kevin:  "Just ass."

Me:  "The soda machine has lost it's supply check valve and you're blowing CO2 back into the waterline.  Call the vendor, have them fix their shit."

Kevin:  "Okay.  What if I said literal ass?"

Me:  "Then you'd be calling Billy.  He isn't above that sort of thing, you know."

Kevin:  "That's fucked.  I know you both, and you are definitely the bad guy."

Me:  "You know us both?  Did you know Billy backed a 5 ton truck over somebody's tiny home back in 2016?"

Kevin:  "I heard something about that."

Me:  "Did you know Billy once smoked 'a few rats' out of an access tunnel and caused ratpocalypse at <Corporation name> during their 4th of July employee party?"

Kevin:  "I didn't hear about that one."

Me:  "Yes, it was like a reverse pied piper.  All the rats came up into the main hall and lobby of the engineering building, right in the middle of their party.  It was like The Masque of the Red Death."

Kevin:  "He didn't get fired?"

Me:  "No, I blamed it on the assholes over on the interior facilities side and erased all the footage from the accessway.  Not because I felt loyal to Billy, but because the idea of a building full of engineers being potentially exposed to bubonic plague amuses me and I feel it should be encouraged.  And since this is Arizona, that IS possible."

Kevin:  "SEE?"  *points at me*  "BAD GUY."

Me:  "This is how I get my happy thoughts, Kevin.  Everyone should have their happy thoughts.  That's what this great nation is all about."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 21, 2018, 08:53:31 pm
Things I said at work today:

"We do not hold chlorine tablets in our teeth while we work.  Why do I even have to say this?"

"There are no rats in the admin building.  We killed them all.  You have ghost rats."

"I don't worry about budgets, which is why my numbers are in the black.  You do everything on the cheap, which means you have to do it twice, which is why it's only June and you have no money.  So no, you can't have any of my money, because you obviously can't be trusted to spend it fast enough.  Now get out of my office, you penurious little mendicant, you're lowering my property values."

"No, boss, I won't be reasonable about this.  He's far too fiscally-responsible for me to feel charitable.  Now, if he'd blown his budget on new ranges or fryers or maybe some proper Goddamn air conditioning for his kitchen staff, I'd be willing to give up some of my capital expenditures budget, but he didn't...So he can just go ask Baby Jesus for more money.  Or the board.  He's probably better off with Jesus, because the board is pissed off just on account of the weather."

"The world of accounting is terrible and mysterious, Kevin, and it sometimes makes people cry."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 22, 2018, 03:09:04 pm
There is an artist Iím friends with who could probably do some kickass ghost rats
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 22, 2018, 09:04:58 pm
Kevin:  "My heroes have always been cowboys."

Me:  "MY heroes have always been BIG GAY COWBOYS."

Kevin:  "wat"

Me:  "Cowboys.  Like Steve Mcqueen or Jimmy Stuart or the Cisco Kid, only BIG and GAY."

Kevin:  "Why Gay?"

Me:  "Nobody ever asks me 'why big?'."

Kevin:  Ö

Me:  "The horse doesn't care if you're Gay, but it really cares if you're 6'5" and 310 pounds.  That would be a pain in the ass.  It would be like a Shriner cowboy."

Kevin:  "Stop."

Me:  "Your spurs would keep sticking in the dirt, so it would be like someone tagging the brakes every step and a half."

Nick:  "He's right you should stop."

Me:  "So, yeah, the horse is tired and the cowboy needs new boots and the whole time he's givin' you the hairy eyeball.  Which is like the regular eyeball, only he's got hair in places you didn't know you HAD places."

Kevin:  "JESUS FUCK BOSS STOP."

Nick:  "Wait.  Why are horse-abusing hairy eyeball people your heroes?"

Me:  "Because they save the children of Montana from great white sharks."

Kevin:  "Montana is land-locked."

Me:  "And so?  No coast guard, you GOTTA have BIG GAY COWBOYS."

Nick:  "THERE ARE NO SHARKS IN MONTANA."

Me:  "Well, not ANYMORE."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on June 23, 2018, 05:45:53 pm
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on June 24, 2018, 10:18:27 am
beautiful. :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2018, 02:00:53 am
Soooo...My boss asked to see my budget re-forecast.

Boss:  "Um, this is pretty dense stuff."

Me:  "You asked for a budget analysis and there it is.  4 spreadsheets and 20 pages of it.  One thing worth noting is that I am under-budget on employer burden and WAY over-budget on overtime, meaning that my headcount is wrong."

Boss:  "Where is that?"

Me:  "Spreadsheet one, page one, line items 1 & 3.  The analysis is in the text, section IIa."

Boss:  "Most people just add 3%."

Me:  "I'm not most people."

Boss:  "You don't say.  Can you just give me a summary?"

Me:  "Give me some more money you bastard."

Boss:  ...

Me:  "That's what it all comes down to, really.  Also, summaries just make people mad.  Look, you're mad right now."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2018, 01:22:49 am
So, the electrical bill split that was given to me in January seems to have no connection with reality, which I had noted at the time.  I was told to use it anyway.  Now the guy that told me to use it (boss's boss) says it's wrong and here's the correct one, oh and by the way I have 5 days to fix the enormous snaggle.

Completed 3 hours later, double checked and all the accountant group has to do is add or subtract a single number per account per month for 5 months.  Call it 30 minutes of work.

Controller:  "How the hell did you do this so fast?"

Me:  "My Excel-fu is strong.  It is in fact a 300 pound javelina and it's balls bounce on the floor."

*everyone stops and stares at me*

Me:  "Was that inappropriate?"

Princess Stephanie:  "Um."

Me:  "I just saved you 30 hours of double entry work."

Princess Stephanie: "Okay, the javelina thing is okay.  With the balls bouncing on the floor and whatnot."

Controller:  "Totally okay.  Now can you unfuck your labor numbers?"

Me:  "SHOW ME WHERE THE MIC IS AT."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2018, 10:09:52 pm
Quick conversation with Kathy, the world's second-scariest Russian.

Kathy:  "What did you do to my assistant?"

Me:  "Whatever do you mean?"

Kathy:  "Ever since she helped you guys with that water problem, she's been positively manic."

Me:  "Is that a bad thing?"

Kathy:  "No.  It's great.  She's twice as productive and she's interested in learning how everything works."

Me:  "Well, she caught fire.  She has learned the glory of knowing things and learning things and working with her brain instead of her boredom."

Kathy:  "Can you bottle that?"

Me:  "No, but I have a blowtorch in the shop and we can maybe use that on the general workforce."

Kathy:  "muhaha"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 10, 2018, 09:41:10 pm
Kevin:  "I don't get it.  The surlier we are, the more good press we get."

Me:  "It's simple, Kevin.  The public has an image of maintenance that they like to believe in.  We are grizzled old bastards with *just* the right amount of cheek.  We are like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, only there will be no singing whatsoever."

Kevin:  "That sounds unlikely."

Me:  "It is the plain and simple truth.  No matter what is in the package, if the box is colorful, they will like it.  You could pack a Hasbro box full of dog shit and people would line up around the block."

Kevin:  "That's cynical as hell."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "You just called me Billy."

Me:  "Different box, same shit.  Once you look past the packaging, people are remarkably fungible."

Kevin:  "How do you even get dressed in the morning?  You're completely bugshit."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true.  The graveyards are full of unique and irreplaceable people."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:03 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:20 am
Also, I have been accused of "weaponizing my budget."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 06:08:09 am
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.

*mischievious laughter ensues. I took it :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 17, 2018, 11:32:56 pm
Me:  "Goddammit, Kevin, I told you to do HVAC 38 first."

Kevin:  "But that is a huge issue and I could get the other 4 done in a morning."

Me:  "You don't understand.  I am not angry here.  Where is 38?"

Kevin:  "Over the admin area by the accountants...OH."

Me:  "You're damn skippy 'OH'.  You know what this means?"

Kevin: "Princess Stephanie is mad."

Me:  "She's not mad.  Just disappointed."

Kevin:  "Oh God no can't she be pissed off?"

Me:  "No, she said she understands."

Kevin:  "Noooooooooooo"

Me:  "You know what you have to do."

Kevin:  "Hari kari?"

Me:  "Pfffft.  Nobody gets off that easy.  You gotta go apologize to her."

Kevin:  "But she's gonna forgive at me until I die."

Me:  "Should have thought about THAT before disregarding my instructions.  Now get your ass in there and get forgiven.  You deserve it."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 25, 2018, 09:30:56 pm
A bunch of ex-engineers, architects, and other people who have been trained their whole lives to insist they know everything, all jammed in a room to discuss energy usage.

This particular meeting was supposed to just be about the charter, but everyone started talking at once, pimping out their own personal pet ideas.  Nobody had read the usage history I had sent them 2 weeks prior, and I know this because the chairman sent me an email this morning before the meeting saying:

Quote
Please let me know by noon which of the following will be available for discussion with the ETF today:
1.   Jan-June Trico spreadsheet, rate code, kw, kwh, $
2.   Jan-June SW Gas spreadsheet, therms, $
3.   Example bulb in a box of parking lot light(s) [if more than one kind]. Since we now don't know for sure how many hours the tennis lights are used, parking bulbs take priority since they are on many hours.
4.   How do we heat our buildings, gas or heat pump?
5.   Spec sheet on A/C (heat pump?) existing and units to be replaced, or have been recently replaced, per the reserve study
6.   Spec on furnaces, if they exist. Nameplate BTU/HR and efficiency rating.
7.   Specs on pool heaters. Nameplate BTU/HR, eff., flow rate, delta T, etc.
Be sure to let me know if other resources are needed to help. Vince offered monies.
Thanks,
Ron

<Deep breath>So he wants me to resend him items 1, 2, and 4.  I sent him the specs on 3, but apparently he doesn't trust my ability to read, so he wants an actual bulb (they are twice the size of a football and if you touch them with bare skin, you just threw away $950).  5 consists of 120 machines that are on rooftops at 111F, and he wants this by 12:30 and that is not going to happen.  There are no furnaces, and I've told him that.  Again, he does not believe me.  #7 is also in the information I sent him.  Lastly, Vince most definitely did NOT offer monies.  Vince has killed people for having a 3% budget variance.  No money comes out of Vince.  Nothing comes out of Vince except horror and madness.  Stop your foolish lies. <wheeze>

It occurs to me that I am in the golden era again, like when I worked for Jim, except that I have less accountability and am in fact not ALLOWED to send him anything else until they sort out the charter, which did not occur today.  So I am in the enviable position of having a pack of retired "professionals" to torment with their own inability to follow state law regarding political task forces.  It ALSO occurs to me that Ron has mistaken Director Howl for his errand boy.

My only problem is that there are too many choices in trying to decide how to fuck with this committee.


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on July 26, 2018, 01:46:37 pm
Such problems you have!  Where to begin?  What horrors to wreak?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 26, 2018, 04:59:38 pm
Such problems you have!  Where to begin?  What horrors to wreak?

Warming up with treacherous maintenance manager.

He left a bunch of shit undone, thinks he knows what is actually important (and if we were industrial, I wouldn't question this) more than the board of directors, then lies to me repeatedly.

In short, he's a miserable sinner.  So I write him up.  So he goes to horrible HR person to get the write up removed.  Lies to her, she knows this and is okay with it, tells the big boss a couple of lies herself.  What neither of them seem to realize is that I never ever ever EVER put discipline on paper unless I have ironclad documentation that not only proves he's lying, but also proves she lied.

This will all end in madness and horror and death.  I am okay with that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 27, 2018, 01:23:13 am
While continuing conversation with treacherous underling, he demands a raise.

I am in the process of writing him up for the second time, and this is apparently the time to ask for a raise.

Full marks for chutzpah.  This is the equivalent of shooting your parents then asking for clemency because you're an orphan.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2018, 02:58:05 am
Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on July 30, 2018, 12:50:11 pm
Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.


Lifehack.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on July 30, 2018, 04:04:20 pm
As lifehacks go, this is now amongst my favorites.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2018, 10:04:15 pm
Boss:  "Let me get this straight.  We bought a stock of R22 refrigerant at $30/LB in 2016 and you are selling it at $27/LB in 2018, and you made a profit off of this?"

Me:  "Yes."

Boss:  "How do you make a profit when you sell for less than you bought?"

Me:  "The world of EPA regulations and incentives is a mysterious and terrible thing, and not for the eyes of the uninitiated."

Boss:  "Is it some kind of subsidy or buyback?"

Me:  "I am not sure you're better off knowing."

Boss:  "ARE WE BREAKING ANY LAWS?"

Me:  "This is all legal, boss."

Boss:  "It doesn't *feel* legal."

Me:  "It feels like $23,429.05 in unbudgeted available funds."

Boss:  "This definitely doesn't feel legal."

Me:  "It's not only legal, it is in fact MANDATORY.  Like, it's illegal if we DON'T take the money."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "$23,429.05 off the budget deficit."

Boss:  "FINE."

Me:  "It only hurts the first time you violate your ethical code.  It just gets easier and easier after that."

Boss:  "Go do money shit."

Me:  "Righteo."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on August 01, 2018, 12:53:18 pm
"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 01, 2018, 05:05:24 pm
"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.

If it weren't for the unending, ceaseless attacks from the one-person hostile workplace, this job would be even more fun.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2018, 09:39:04 pm
Me:  "So that's how I watched an entire department fuck itself in just one day."

Billy:  "Sounds like I bailed just in time."

Me:  "No, you're missing out on the fun.  The maintenance lead managed to argue himself from a write up into 6 write ups and a demotion.  You can't pay for this kind of entertainment.  Also, Kevin is, as you said he was, squealing to the HR jackass lady on the regular, and he just managed to talk himself - with her, mind you - out of the $600 bonus I had arranged for him."

Billy:  "What, you yanked the bonus?"

Me:  "No, she did.  Conspiring with her is like working for Donald Trump:  You get fucked EVERY TIME, lose money, and get poo on you."

Billy:  "Why do they keep doing it?"

Me:  "They feel that I am very unfair on account of assigning due dates to jobs."

Billy:  "I've seen your due dates.  You always assume that everyone is blind, stupid, and crazy when you decide how much time they get and...Um..."

Me:  "Yeah.  I only gave them a week to fix a faucet."

Billy:  "You Goddamn slave-driving tyrant."

Me:  "Operations Uber Alles."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2018, 02:46:40 am
DEATH DESTRUCTION AND TERROR

Some days I love being me to a degree that might indicate mental illness of some sort.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on August 03, 2018, 02:05:55 pm
I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2018, 03:49:25 pm
I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.

I prefer to think of myself as an artist.  :lulz:

Inflicting the rules is a glorious thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 07, 2018, 01:40:53 am
So, I am reading resumes again.  I liked a couple of them.

Boss:  "It looks like they job-hopped a bit."

Me:  "If they're dumb enough to stick it out at a dead-end job, they're too dumb to work for me."

Boss:  *looks at me in boss*

Me:  "It's true.  The world is full of hard-working idiots.  I don't want those.  Frantic activity is not accomplishment."

Boss:  "I'd like to see a little frantic activity."

Me:  "That's why we have tractor porn.  I'm trying to get some projects completed, and that's a whole different thing."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "We came here to run it, run it."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 08, 2018, 01:19:59 am
I have to - no shit - figure out how to get an elephant through a normal set of double ballroom doors.

I wasn't trained for this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Vanadium Gryllz on August 08, 2018, 01:54:51 pm
Is it specified anywhere that the doors need to remain intact?

What happens once the elephant is inside?

So many questions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on August 08, 2018, 04:07:17 pm
Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 08, 2018, 04:54:37 pm
Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.

I have instructed my staff to ignore it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on August 08, 2018, 06:10:31 pm
I am intensely interested to know whose job it is to deal with the elephant shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 08, 2018, 06:41:35 pm
I am intensely interested to know whose job it is to deal with the elephant shit.

That I can answer right now:  faithless, treacherous maintenance weasels.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on August 09, 2018, 07:21:28 am
Have you interviewed the elephant?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 09, 2018, 05:12:37 pm
Have you interviewed the elephant?

What?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 09, 2018, 06:54:41 pm
Sad news:  I just received word that the judge handling the emergency injunctions has stated that the happy couple will have to live without an 11,000 pound mayhem/death beast at their wedding.  In fact, he seemed to be really excited by the very notion that he was asked.  Harsh language may have been involved.

:cry:

Pour a little out, homies.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on August 10, 2018, 07:06:07 am
Have you interviewed the elephant?

What?

Yeah, I dunno. I was kinda buzzed when I typed that.


Something about how the elephant felt about the project


or


:?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 14, 2018, 01:17:51 am
At work today, giving a talk to the (lol) "energy task force" about the utility bills.  It is worth mentioning that Ron the Dumbass has never dealt with commercial or industrial utilities.

Me:  "So demand is the highest use of power in any 15 minute period, and on-peak charges are based on the highest momentary use of power during peak hours."

Ron the Dumbass:  "No, that's wrong.  There's no momentary charge."

Me:  "But there is.  I have been doing this for many years and the charge is in fact momentary."

Ron:  "You don't know what you're talking about."

Me:  "Okay"  *sits down*

Boss:  "Ron, shut up.  Roger, continue."

Me:  "I was actually done anyway."

State representative via skype:  "So, how come this one peak charge is higher than the daily demand?"

Me:  "Well, I'd say because you only need a half second to establish a peak, but you need 15 minutes to establish a demand, but Ron informs me that this is incorrect, so I'm going to say that the specially-trained monkeys that enter the data at the electric company are all messed up on crack and entering gibberish."

Boss:  "You don't have to be a smartass."

Me:  "Apparently I do."

Ron:  "What's wrong with you?"

Me:  "You are, Ron.  You make me hate data analysis, which is the only thing in the world that I love that loves me back."

State representative:  "Someone shut Ron up while there's still a task force."

And that is how you handle Dunning Krueger in an engineer.  You feed them to state level politicians.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 21, 2018, 05:01:11 am
Me:  "Billy, you should come over at lunch.  Our main restaurant is sinking."

Billy:  "What?"

Me:  "The ground is subsiding underneath the Northwest corner.  All the windows are warping."

Billy:  "Wow.  How fast is it sinking?"

Me:  "Like an inch in the last 24 hours."

Billy:  "I'll pass."

Me:  "Why?  All the deer outside look like they're standing crooked."

Billy:  "I'm not literally dying for chicken cordon bleu."

Me:  "Buck up, Billy.  You're forgetting something."

Billy:  "What am I forgetting?"

Me:  "You are sitting next to  a tank with 250,000 gallons of shit in it that is directly downhill from what is clearly a moving groundwater issue."

Billy:  "Um."

Me:  "Drown in shit or watch crooked deer while you eat Chef's chicken cordon bleu.  You decide."

Billy:  "What's the side today?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LuciferX on August 21, 2018, 09:00:15 am
Quote
What's the side today?

On a deep, prelinguistic, and positively indeterminate level, Billy was shielding himself from the "moving groundwater issue."

[Edit. And then water starts gushing into the street below me right after I wrote that (not even kidding.) and a huge tree collapsed into the same, closing a lane two houses down. That's what Zi get for crossing streams)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 01, 2018, 01:55:40 am
(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40572523_2190134454600302_3176454445143687168_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=bb17d6eae88d78935bb05615c62690ab&oe=5BF0BABC)

Pre-exploded pig, ~ 20 minutes before The Incident.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 02, 2018, 05:47:58 pm
:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 02, 2018, 10:09:56 pm
:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

No, Billy is a bad person and does bad things, but he hasn't yet detonated a pig.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 03, 2018, 08:34:05 am
:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

No, Billy is a bad person and does bad things, but he hasn't yet detonated a pig.

He needs to step his game up. Also when he does record it. :D that would be an interesting video. :D

The best option to have him return, discordian water torture(FOSS). (for a lack of a better name.) *nods,

here are the steps.
1. get the equipment needed. (sponge, a chair, some black nylon rope, a cat, Billy.)
2. tie Billy to the chair.
3. wet the sponge with some water.
4. every 23 minutes drip a drop on the cat, who was strategically placed around Billy.
5. find the cat.

then repeat steps 4 and 5 until Billy succumbs to your every demand.

to intensify this, you may wear leather.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 04, 2018, 09:59:46 pm
Watching it rain inside the kitchen.  It's not raining outside.

Kevin:  "I told you this would happen.  This area is too small for a ten ton air conditioner."

Me:  "I'm aware.  I know that and you know that, but the retired engineer on the energy task force thought this was a good idea."

Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."

Kevin:  "So how is he qualified to do this?"

Me:  "Because he is an engineer and we are lowly tradesmen.  To admit that we have skills he might not have is to say that he isn't a living God and maybe even that we are capable of walking upright."

Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."

Kevin:  "We can still fix this. We can put the 10 ton on a secondary thermostat so it doesn't short-cycle."

Me:  "No, Billy, this looks like an engineering problem."

Kevin:  "Stop calling me Billy.  And this is totally fixable."

Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."

Kevin:  "You talk like they're not actual people."

Me:  "Do actual people make it rain in a commercial kitchen in a monumental fit of hubris and incompetence?"

Kevin:  "No, okay.  But we should fix this."

Me:  This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "Goddammit.  Stop calling me Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 05, 2018, 03:13:19 am
Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."
I'm finding it a bit difficult not to employ the "no-true-scotsman" fallacy, here.  I mean, wouldn't a real electronics guy know that big things have big tradeoffs?

Quote
Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."
We're not all bad.  I have a degree in electrical engineering, but I'm the first to admit you shouldn't let me try to fix your blender.  Not unless you have the schematics for it.

It's reasonable to assume arrogance by default, though.  ERTW is part of the culture, or at least it was, back when I was in school.

Quote
Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."
This is true.  It might even take more than one incident.

Quote
Me:  This is all normal, Billy."
"Situation normal" is one of my pre-canned responses to "How's it going?"  I'm trying to train the project manager to wince whenever I use it.  I have a manic grin to go along with it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 04:43:17 am
Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."
I'm finding it a bit difficult not to employ the "no-true-scotsman" fallacy, here.  I mean, wouldn't a real electronics guy know that big things have big tradeoffs?

Quote
Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."
We're not all bad.  I have a degree in electrical engineering, but I'm the first to admit you shouldn't let me try to fix your blender.  Not unless you have the schematics for it.

It's reasonable to assume arrogance by default, though.  ERTW is part of the culture, or at least it was, back when I was in school.

Quote
Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."
This is true.  It might even take more than one incident.

Quote
Me:  This is all normal, Billy."
"Situation normal" is one of my pre-canned responses to "How's it going?"  I'm trying to train the project manager to wince whenever I use it.  I have a manic grin to go along with it.

There are two kinds of engineers. 

Ron is the third kind.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 04:46:47 am
I mean, I have worked with some deranged assholes in my time, but this guy is the all time champion.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on September 05, 2018, 08:56:34 pm
...and what's wrong with ABBA?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:09:53 pm
...and what's wrong with ABBA?

Nothing is wrong with Abba.  It was the absolute exemplar of the British music scene.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:16:59 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:18:07 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:20:20 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.


:3 interesting. :D well, as a goddess i am probably around 100 times your age. :D 4004. *nods.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:21:13 pm
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.


:3 interesting. :D well, as a goddess i am probably around 100 times your age. :D 4004. *nods.

HAH.  I am a Titan.  Like that Cronut guy. 


Therefore WAY older.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:27:52 pm

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.


:3 interesting. :D well, as a goddess i am probably around 100 times your age. :D 4004. *nods.

HAH.  I am a Titan.  Like that Cronut guy. 


Therefore WAY older.

well... shit
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Hoopla! on September 05, 2018, 10:36:28 pm
...and what's wrong with ABBA?

Nothing is wrong with Abba.  It was the absolute exemplar of the British music scene.

We now have an entire album of Cher performing ABBA covers. This age is perfection.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 06, 2018, 01:14:27 am
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.
We figure that out a few years into our first job.  The arrogant ones (like your Ron) refuse to face it and become even more arrogant.  The smart ones get themselves a solid technical grounding, and then switch careers to budget carving.  The weaker ones, crushed between the caprices of the business development group and the ruthless Judgement of The Machine God, dissipate into the ether, or go into sales.  The rest succumb to the grind.  A few manage to have fun with it.

Quote
Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).
I design things because I find it vaguely amusing, and it keeps me off the streets.  Unfortunately, the things I design are often pretty stupid.  Ever spent two weeks of your life adding a feature nobody is ever going to use, just because that idiot in the systems department wrote it into the spec?

Quote
Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.
Never heard of him.

Quote
Everybody sucks.
No exceptions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2018, 01:19:29 am
Trigger pulled.  Maintenance manager is now a tech III and I am filling the positions of director and manager until a replacement can be found.

Everyone assumed that it was business as usual and lined up to tell me what their schedule would be, and what they were willing to do.  At the same time.  Like I'm gonna be their dumpster.

"No.  Here is your new schedule.  Look at that bullshit; I realize that you are very angry about this, I just don't care.  I have a plan for any number of you quitting, and I will fire anyone involved in a work stoppage.  This is the new reality, because you didn't like the soft option, that smiling guy there that used to be your chronically-miserable boss.  So it's just us now, and I am the only friend you have in the whole world.  Isn't that the worst fucking thing you've ever heard?"

What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on September 11, 2018, 07:09:57 am
Quote
What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing  :lulz:

You must not have said it correctly. Every time I've had to say that it's been very, very obvious that it is quite personal and Fuck You. I see the fun in your method, just a style and preference thing I guess.

How long did it take them to work out it was personal? If it's more than 10 minutes these people are beyond backward.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2018, 07:16:59 am
Quote
What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing  :lulz:

You must not have said it correctly. Every time I've had to say that it's been very, very obvious that it is quite personal and Fuck You. I see the fun in your method, just a style and preference thing I guess.

How long did it take them to work out it was personal? If it's more than 10 minutes these people are beyond backward.

It's NOT personal, though.  That scared the jimjams out of Kevin.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on September 11, 2018, 07:18:21 am
Oh.

Well then, make it personal. It's much more fun that way.

Even better, make it personal between them. "Lets you and him fight" is always good to kill some workday time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 12, 2018, 08:37:29 pm
Me:  "Do it this way."

Steve:  "No, we have done it this other way for years."

Me:  "And the place is not right.  It is in fact the opposite of right.  This place looks and feels like a Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland.  So we'll do it my way."

Steve:  "No, we..."

Me:  "Punch out, you can sell your case to HR whenever she stops scheming long enough to call you."

*Steve swears a lot, hurls toolbag down, leaves*

Kevin:  "Was that actually necessary?"

Me:  "Of course it was.  It's all better now."

Kevin:  "But now there's only me and Austin to do this job."

Me: "Oh, THAT isn't all better.  I wasn't talking about that.  I will send Joe over to help."

Kevin:  "Which part IS better?"

Me:  "The forces of Wrong have been defeated."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "..."

Kevin:  "Don't say it."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on September 12, 2018, 08:45:39 pm
I love that Kevin is starting to become self-aware.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 12, 2018, 08:47:30 pm
I love that Kevin is starting to become self-aware.

The process worked that way with Billy, although it bears mentioning that Billy was already sort of a bad person.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2018, 11:32:35 pm
It occurred to me today that the HR lady is on vacation.

Poor Steve.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 25, 2018, 11:17:42 pm
*standing over a pit with a broken pipe in it*

Kevin:  "Jesus Christ, what the hell IS that thing?"

Me:  "That is what Englishmen call a 'fatberg'.  It is all the suet and grease flushed down from the kitchen, escaping through the broken pipe.  Then it eats the caliche and makes an ever-enlarging hole in the ground which may someday grow up to be a gigantic sinkhole, as the fatberg travels down."

Kevin:  "You're having me on."

Me:  "Google it.  On your phone.  Right now."

Kevin:  *does so*  "Urk."

Me:  "Yes, urk.  This is what happens when the former maintenance manager doesn't call for the pumping truck because the grease trap is always miraculously empty, despite the restaurant discharging something like 1000 gallons a day through this drain alone.  This is why he is no longer the maintenance manager."

Kevin:  "But you demoted him before you found this."

Me:  "Things like this.  We had a maintenance manager, but the maintenance was not being managed."

Billy:  *walks up* "Hey, I jumped in the car as soon as I heard."  *looks in pit*  "Okay, that's awesome."

Kevin:  "You guys LIKE this kinda thing?"

Me:  "It is the future of the human race, only down in a hole."

Kevin:  "..."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Kevin.  You know what's NOT normal?"

Kevin:  "No.  No I do not.  And I don't want to."

Billy:  "No, this is great."

Kevin:  *sticks fingers in ears* "IF I DON'T LISTEN, YOU CAN'T HURT MY BRAIN. LALALALA"

Billy:  "You can't pump these things out.  They have to be mechanically-extracted.  By which I mean, 'with shovels and chainsaws'."

Kevin:  "Stop."

Billy:  *turns to me*  "So who drew the short straw?"

Me: "Well, I just fired all of the low-performers."

Kevin:  *looks worried*

Me:  "So I guess we'll have to get some contractors.  Why are you looking at me that way, Kevin?  You have some value, even if you aren't serious about having a good time.  I am hardly going to feed you to the fatberg.  Even if it is just a baby.  6 feet by 6 feet by 4 feet or so.  All a man truly needs, in the end."

Kevin:  "I live in hell.  I can't stand it.  I'm taking a half day."  *walks off*

Billy:  "Was I ever that fragile?"

Me:  "No.  You disappointed me in other ways."

(Note:  Pic of the top end of the fatberg to be posted tonight.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 26, 2018, 12:18:05 am
Kevin:  "You're having me on."

Me:  "Google it.  On your phone.  Right now."

Okay.

Quote from: wikipedia
A fatberg is a congealed lump in a sewer system formed by the combination of non-biodegradable solid matter
...
The resulting lumps of congealed material can be as strong as concrete, and require specialist equipment to remove.

Quote from: Museum of London
Handled incorrectly, even small amounts of fatberg can kill.
...
The fatberg samples can only be moved by trained personnel wearing full protective clothing.
...
Fatbergs are a material thatís not well understood, chemically or biologically. Weíve had flies hatch out of the fatberg, and mould growth while it was drying out

Billy is right.  That is awesome.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2018, 12:58:26 am
The very top of the fatberg.

(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42614826_2203406299939784_1176560240099852288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_eui2=AeG1NB-nWfA2Gcw2LDC2CEuggYGAqoFHLd60zkuG-jw_kgVgufj_hcWWu54EErNRRtxHrRXepwUSqlWZx3sSq7mYj0IEtKTrXvigLDHi5j0AAQ&oh=f3038d27765545fa9ec1571c2ecfbef1&oe=5C18839F)


(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42686550_2203406279939786_1187695672959172608_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_eui2=AeErzz61mIU-n654HfgCEWRkeq6k0lKud2Db2zmEUoRRgW0SyMaZPFpeQ_qGyD3Gkl_jnRssxv90Zt_7AsaIg-byrjY5FdJGqufi9NunrtulrQ&oh=299c26ebb5556d0f4de9a4c19682a5a3&oe=5C2B9E3B)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on September 26, 2018, 12:46:03 pm
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2018, 05:36:35 pm
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 27, 2018, 01:59:13 am
At our staff meeting:

Me  "...And so we need to spend a bit more than we anticipated, but we're still inside the worst-case margin.  Any questions or comments?"

Evil HR Lady:  "Your entire maintenance department has been in my office complaining about you."

Me:  "I'm aware.  They do not like this new 'work' thing.  But I have to ask, why reserve your confidentiality failures for a meeting on budget reforecasting?"

Evil HR Lady:  "You act like a tyrant."

Me:  "Obviously.  But couldn't you have chosen a more appropriate time to display your absolute lack of professionalism?"

Evil HR Lady:  *grabs notepad and lumbers out of the room*

Boss:  "Damn, dude, was that necessary?"

Me:  "Yes.  It was a moral imperative.  You just saw her rat out 7 employees for a cheap dig at me."

Boss's boss: "I concur.  I was going to say the same thing."

Me:  "Thank you."

Boss's boss:  "I still hate you."

Me:  "I'm comfortable with that."

Boss:  *looks panicked*

Me:  "All of these phenomena fall inside accepted parameters."

Boss:  "Did you just tell me 'this is all normal'?"

Me:  "Yes, but in Engineer."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 29, 2018, 01:09:53 am
This whole thing is fucking FANTASTIC. 12/10, stuff like this was what I was talking about.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 30, 2018, 07:12:19 pm
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.

I'm interested.  I have a fascination with subterranean horrors.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 30, 2018, 08:25:30 pm
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.

I'm interested.  I have a fascination with subterranean horrors.

Well, the blob, when sufficient large, will begin to heat up in the center.  Just a few degrees, but that's all that is required.  The center of the blob will pull oxygen from the outside and start forming diesel-like hydrocarbons.  The outer layers, starved of oxygen, start growing anaerobes (tetanus, gangrene, various sulfur-reducing bugs, etc).  Water is, by osmosis, pulled from all sides and deposited directly beneath the fatberg.  Here that means it dissolves the caliche beneath it (which is added to the fatberg as white chunks of calcium and sodium), which means it sinks over time.  When it reaches bedrock, it stops moving and starts pressurizing.  Eventually, the center diesels and you get a pressurized scalding hot geyser of unkillable fatal prehistoric bacteria.  (The fatbergs of London don't have the same problem because they are in tunnels and have room on either end to expand.)

No matter where you go, if you peel back the vinyl, it's nothing but horror, madness, and death.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 01, 2018, 01:11:30 am
Well, the blob, when sufficient large, will begin to heat up in the center.  Just a few degrees, but that's all that is required.  The center of the blob will pull oxygen from the outside and start forming diesel-like hydrocarbons.  The outer layers, starved of oxygen, start growing anaerobes (tetanus, gangrene, various sulfur-reducing bugs, etc).  Water is, by osmosis, pulled from all sides and deposited directly beneath the fatberg.  Here that means it dissolves the caliche beneath it (which is added to the fatberg as white chunks of calcium and sodium), which means it sinks over time.  When it reaches bedrock, it stops moving and starts pressurizing.  Eventually, the center diesels and you get a pressurized scalding hot geyser of unkillable fatal prehistoric bacteria.  (The fatbergs of London don't have the same problem because they are in tunnels and have room on either end to expand.)

No matter where you go, if you peel back the vinyl, it's nothing but horror, madness, and death.
Part of me is wondering how hard it would be to intentionally grow one of these.  You know, FOR SCIENCE.

But the saner part recalls that plumbing (and garbage collection) are the basis of modern civilization, and that things like this should be reserved for post-apocalyptic fiction, and kept out of the waking world.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on October 01, 2018, 01:34:02 am
I keep hoping a fatberg will eat Parliament one day
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2018, 03:54:09 am
Well, the blob, when sufficient large, will begin to heat up in the center.  Just a few degrees, but that's all that is required.  The center of the blob will pull oxygen from the outside and start forming diesel-like hydrocarbons.  The outer layers, starved of oxygen, start growing anaerobes (tetanus, gangrene, various sulfur-reducing bugs, etc).  Water is, by osmosis, pulled from all sides and deposited directly beneath the fatberg.  Here that means it dissolves the caliche beneath it (which is added to the fatberg as white chunks of calcium and sodium), which means it sinks over time.  When it reaches bedrock, it stops moving and starts pressurizing.  Eventually, the center diesels and you get a pressurized scalding hot geyser of unkillable fatal prehistoric bacteria.  (The fatbergs of London don't have the same problem because they are in tunnels and have room on either end to expand.)

No matter where you go, if you peel back the vinyl, it's nothing but horror, madness, and death.
Part of me is wondering how hard it would be to intentionally grow one of these.  You know, FOR SCIENCE.

But the saner part recalls that plumbing (and garbage collection) are the basis of modern civilization, and that things like this should be reserved for post-apocalyptic fiction, and kept out of the waking world.

This is what I tell hippies when they run around screaming that we can grow food for 17 billion people, so "overpopulation isn't a thing."

They are in fact correct, we can grow that much food.  But we can only eliminate waste for 2 billion people, and we have 7.6 billion people and we add 200 net new people a minute.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2018, 03:54:40 am
I keep hoping a fatberg will eat Parliament one day

<insert Boris Johnson joke here>
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 03, 2018, 06:33:50 am
*watching Riverdance rehearsal at the theater*

*dancer falls off of stage*

Billy:  "Ouch."

Me:  "It's a great day to be alive, Billy."

I was re-reading this and this is still my favorite thing I've ever said.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 05, 2018, 07:34:49 pm
So I was asked today at the board coffee if I thought the recent bond measure sounded realistic (ie, expect 50+ basis points on AA bonds without any funny business.).

Me:  "In what universe?  This is madness."

Board president:  "That's a little extreme."

Me:  "No, this is drug-addled nonsense that makes 2006 look reasonable.  Has nobody noticed the massive bubble we're sitting on?  Yes, going to TOTALLY NOT JUNK BONDS, INC" is brilliant and has absolutely no downsides."

Finance Committee Chair:  "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, YOU PUNK."

Me:  "Obviously not.  I can't see that the gap between GDP and wages is the largest it's ever been in history.  I can't see that AA bonds return 25 basis points and the broker is taking 50 basis points and we will somehow poop out 75 basis points without turning to dodgy bonds."

Crowd:  *murmer*

Board President:  "This IS actually stupid as hell."

Finance Committee Chair:  "I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS."

Me:  "Whether or not you have to take anything is outside of my job description, really.  AND I don't have to worry about this entire town looking to tar and feather me in 6 months."

Crowd:  *rumble rumble*

Me:  "I have to go now, I have a thing."

Board President:  "You can't leave right after saying that stuff."

Me:  "I have a thing behind the small restaurant.  You know, the thing I'm not supposed to talk about."

Crowd:  "ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE*

Board President:  "You should be glad I'm quitting tomorrow, get out."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 07, 2018, 04:00:16 am
Quote from: Doktor Howl
Me:  "I have a thing behind the small restaurant.  You know, the thing I'm not supposed to talk about."

It took me a minute to catch on.  Then I formed a mental picture of a gaping pit in the ground, with a plywood sign in front of it, labelled "DANGER: FATBERG".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 09, 2018, 03:56:47 am
Things I said today:

1. "That's a lot of Goddamn gangrene."
2. "If you show me a data sheet, I will drink that [reclaim water]."
3. "We are not savages. I mean, at least *I'm* not."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 10, 2018, 08:30:51 pm
F&B Director:  "Wow, that's a nice screen you installed."

Me:  "Don't thank me, you paid for it."

F&B:  "Wait, what?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 11, 2018, 12:55:22 am
(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/43573214_2211327655814315_7595985671152467968_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&oh=959327a91e549a101ea781418ea23883&oe=5C4E9567)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 11, 2018, 01:16:15 pm
"I'll get to that right away.  First thing.  Top priority."


Then continue doing what you're doing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 20, 2018, 05:28:49 am
"I'll get to that right away.  First thing.  Top priority."


Then continue doing what you're doing.

This works surprisingly well.

Also, "I'll take that under advisement."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 09, 2018, 06:25:20 pm
New Board President (Has been on the board, but is now president):  "Why are you so over budget?"

Me:  "Because you told me when you guys hired me that you were sick of things not getting done.  I am doing the things, but the things cost money."

NBP:  "You still have to stay in budget, though."

Me:  "Nothing was done around here for years.  You wrote this year's budget based on nothing getting done.  Now things are getting done, and there is no money."

NBP:  "Can't you find a happy medium?"

Me:  "No.  I wrote you a realistic budget for next year and you carved it back down to potato.  Now you can choose whether you want clean carpets OR clean toilets OR clean water."

Newest board member:  "You guys are overstaffed anyway."

Me:  *gas face*

NBP (to newest board member):  "Shut up."

Newest board member:  "No, they have loads of guys, if we lay a few off, the rest will work harder."

Me:  "Up until the moment the competent ones leave for a more secure job.  Have you noticed that Tucson's unemployment rate is 2.6%?  Do you wish to clean the toilets yourself?  Because that's how you clean the toilets yourself."

NBP:  "JESUS, SHUT UP.  Hamish, what do you actually need to run your departments?"

Me:  "$1.7 million dollars."

NBP:  "Quit padding it."

Me:  "1.45 million dollars."

NBP:  "Fine, just go do maintenance shit or something."

New board member:  "JUST FIRE HIM."

NBP:  "Things are better when you don't talk.  The fact that you are sitting in this room is an indictment of democracy."

(I think I love New Board President.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on November 09, 2018, 06:41:39 pm
I love that you gave him the Gas Face.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 09, 2018, 06:42:26 pm
I love that you gave him the Gas Face.

Our charter makes no mention whatsoever of "non-verbal insubordination."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2018, 05:41:58 am
GUESS WHO I MANAGED TO LURE BACK!

:hammer:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on December 11, 2018, 08:03:20 am
Please say the ball mill,  please say the ball mill.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on December 11, 2018, 12:47:07 pm
Billy?





BILLY!





See, everything defaults to MAIN.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2018, 06:34:30 pm
Billy?





BILLY!





See, everything defaults to MAIN.

I knew he'd be back.  He starts on the 1st, though his first day on the job is the 2nd.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on December 11, 2018, 10:03:37 pm
I don't know if I should be excited or sorry for him.


I mean, I'm definitely excited for me
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2018, 10:53:34 pm
I don't know if I should be excited or sorry for him.


I mean, I'm definitely excited for me

I offered him a bit more money, but the main thing is that he is bored stiff where he is.

I have the cure for that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 14, 2018, 06:39:23 pm
Me:  "So we removed everything that could add zinc to the water, and the alkalinity is still falling.  And it IS a flocculation effect...There is no source of zinc, but there is still zinc."

Kevin:  "Where the hell is it coming from?"

Me:  "Nowhere.  This is clearly the result of black magic."

Kevin:  "If it was black magic, it would affect the tap water as well as the pools, and only the pools are affected."

Me:  "It's highly *specific* black magic."

Kevin:  (lightbulb visibly goes on) 

Me:  "What?"

Kevin:  "Isn't suntan lotion based on zinc oxide and titanium oxide?"

Me:  "..."

Kevin:  "What?"

Me:  "You just got a paid day off and $50 at Barnes and Noble."

Kevin:  "That's more...generous than you normally are."

Me:  "You don't normally think, though."

Kevin:  "WTF?"

Me:  "I feel that sort of thing should be encouraged.  Also, this is gonna burn Billy's biscuits."

Kevin:  "How come I just got a paid day off and $50 and I still feel insulted?"

Me:  "It's the glory of the free market, Billy."

Kevin:  "KEVIN."

Me:  "Whatever."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on December 14, 2018, 06:41:43 pm
Brilliant.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 14, 2018, 06:42:42 pm
Brilliant.

I was impressed.  Kevin is every bit as smart as Billy, he just has never had to use that intelligence until now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 20, 2018, 02:02:18 am
Billy: *points at my computer screen*  "What the FUCK is THAT?"

Me:  "Sulfur-reducing bacteria porn."

Billy:  "So while I've been gone, you've been making germ porn?"

Me:  "No, we did lots of things, but it's the end of the budget cycle and we need revenue."

Billy:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on December 20, 2018, 01:02:43 pm
He's Back!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 20, 2018, 05:34:44 pm
He's Back!

Not officially, at least until January 2nd, but yeah, he's back.  :banana:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on December 30, 2018, 05:24:03 am
At the risk of sounding like a stupid fanboy, I love you, Howl.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 30, 2018, 06:28:19 am
At the risk of sounding like a stupid fanboy, I love you, Howl.

No worries.  But don't be a fanboy.  We'll wind up having an argument that lasts 5 years.  I say this from experiential data.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 04:51:58 am
Today at work:

Billy:  "So the board is all hot and bothered about the budget this year?"

Me:  "Yes.  Apparently, being a measly 13% over budget last year is a thing."

Billy:  "What's that in dollars?"

Me:  "Like $180,000.  Petty cash, really."

Billy:  "So what are we going to do?"

Me:  "Nothing.  We are going to save money."

Billy:  "But we have to do something about the anaerobes eating the pipes."

Me:  "We're going to save money at them."

Kevin:  "He's all butthurt about this."

Me:  "Can you blame me?  I have science blue balls.  Well, now we're going to save money until we attain catastrophic failure."

Kevin:  "We can still do SOME stuff."

Me:  "Yes.  We can save more money."

Billy:  "You're going to be unreasonable about this, aren't you?"

Me:  "Dumpsters cost less money if you don't ever have them emptied."

Kevin:  "Wait.  What?"

Billy:  "It's so good to be home."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 04:58:18 pm
In a meeting with a vendor this morning:

Vendor:  "So our product is going to be delayed for a short period of time, and..."

Me:  "So our payment to you is going to be delayed for 2 days per every day that you miss your delivery date."

Vendor:  "That's unreasonable.  We are experiencing normal holiday delays."

Me:  "You bid the job in October for a January 10th due date.  If the delays are normal, how was that not budgeted?"

Vendor:  "Look, this is normal practice."

Me:  "This is in fact all normal.  In any case, I have a thing, so Billy will listen to the rest of your bleating.  Billy, please read your sealed orders when he finally shuts up.""

Vendor:  "..."

Me:  *walks out of room*

*a half hour goes by, Billy walks into my office*

Me:  "How did it go?"

Billy:  "Not sure.  Your sealed orders said 'say you're going to the bathroom and then head to lunch.'  He's still in there."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Billy:  "Yep.  You up for Bhutanese?"

Me:  "I am always up for Bhutanese."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:06:55 pm
Always nice to see Billy learning.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 07:09:31 pm
Always nice to see Billy learning.

Billy has developed quite nicely.  His 9 months slaving away for <water management vendor> have knocked most of the remaining idealism out of him.

Now he and I can focus on the others.  Problem is, though, that Billy hates Kevin because he's a weasel and a snitch, and I gotta get him past that sort of concern for peoples' motives.  He also hates Nick, but I also hate Nick so it's not really a thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:12:57 pm
You're teaching him Consequentialism? 



Yikes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 07:30:33 pm
You're teaching him Consequentialism? 



Yikes.

What?  No.  I am teaching him that humans are garbage and you don't consider their "morality" under any standard.  They are like the wee beasties in the pipes.  They do bad because that's how they're made.  You just learn to work around them as a species.

Take Kevin, for example.  He's a snitch and basically a rotten person with televangelist morality imprinting, but he fixes HVAC equipment very well.  Since we don't care that he has any opinions at all, and his usefulness as a repair bot isn't connected to his insanely hypocritical beliefs, we can safely have him repair said HVAC equipment while telling him to SHUT THE FUCK UP about those "sluts" that offend him so badly.  Think of it more as "sanity-protecting utilitarianism".  He works and SHUTS UP, he gets a paycheck, we get functional HVAC equipment, and no actual morals have been abused.  He might even learn to be something other than a bucket of snot.  But really it's just important that he SHUTS UP and also knows that we despise him.

If I was a consequentalist, I would have his mouth sewn shut, because the results would easily justify the inherent violence of the proposition.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:39:57 pm
Ah.  Right.


I appreciate the explanation.  Makes sense.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 09:13:30 pm
Ah.  Right.


I appreciate the explanation.  Makes sense.


Yeah, consequentalism to me is more when you say "the end justifies the means", and yeah there is some of that around this.  But only to the level of "we *need* this work done and it's fucking impossible to find a less morally-repugnant HVAC tech when unemployment in Tucson is at 2.6%.  So I have to kinda hold my nose a bit.


In work related news:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/a-fatberg-made-of-grease-and-wet-wipes-found-in-english-sewer/ar-BBRY248?ocid=spartanntp
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 09:17:19 pm
This whole "running a town" thing would be way better if there weren't any people at all.  :rogpipe:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 09, 2019, 12:02:21 am
So I was thinking about this conversation and sort of suspecting that I was huffing my own farts, so I decided to ask the people who tend to have a clearer view of me than I do.  So I got home about 90 minutes ago and asked Jenn.

Me:  "So, looking at that, is that consequentialism?

Jenn:  "Yes.  Dressing up consequentalism in *more* consequentialism doesn't change what it is."

Me: "Oh."

Jenn:  "I hate to break it to you, but you and your friends aren't the good guys."

Me:  "Oh."

Jenn:  "Don't look so glum.  I married you specifically because you're a villain.  All humans must die."

Me:  "Woooooooo"

Jenn:  *leans in*  "Giddyap."

Apparently, being the villain gets you laid.  Hard.

*45 minutes later, calling Billy*

Me:  "Dude, Jenn says we're not the good guys."

Billy:  "No shit.  I work for Victor Frankenstein and he tells me we're not the good guys.  STOP THE PRESSES."

I can't think of a day where I've been happier, really.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 09, 2019, 12:36:56 pm
 :lulz:


 :dream:


:peedee:


:himeobs:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 17, 2019, 12:24:33 am
Year end financials festivities are in full swing.

Jeff:  "And so the interest off of our T-bonds came to..."

Me:  "That's not interest."

Jeff:  "You're not doing this."

Billy:  "I think he is."

Jeff:  *buries face in hands."

Me:  "T bills are purchased at a discount.  You buy them at 95% of face value, and they mature in a given period - in this case, 6 months - then they are worth face value and they stop gaining in value."

Jeff:  "That's interest."

Me:  "No, that's capital gains.  Different values entirely, different structure."

Jeff:  "But it is listed as interest for the last 10 years of our records."

Me:  "But that was when we were owned by <corporation>.  This is our first year of reporting and maybe we should do it right.  I mean, this is the *only* thing we are taxed on, right?  So when we change it and pay the small amount extra, and the IRS says what about the previous 10 years - and that's about $750K, they will notice - we just smile and point at <corporation> and look angelic."

Jeff:  "But now I have to recalculate our taxable earnings."

Billy:  "No, you don't."

Jeff:  "But you guys just said..."

Me:  "What Billy is trying to say is that we already did it.  Last night.  Until 3 AM."  *hands over flash drive*  "Look grateful."

Jeff:  "..."

Billy:  "He should levitate or something when he does that shit, right?  Some kind of visible sign of his corruption by the dark arts."

Me:  "This is all..."

My Boss:  "Don't say it.  You will not say this is all normal in this Goddamn conference room."

Me:  "These events are statistically consistent."

My Boss:  "Get out.  Go do money shit or something."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 17, 2019, 12:50:36 am
I love you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 17, 2019, 12:56:21 am
I love you.

I hear "go do money shit" more and more every month.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 17, 2019, 01:06:46 pm
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/0852c5ab704e2bf4e00ffd987ce276f5/tenor.gif?itemid=10267239)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 18, 2019, 12:26:34 am
More year end hijinks

Me:  "Annnnnd the financials are done."

Jeff:  "NOPE."

Me: "What?"

Jeff:  "You got ahead of me, and you have to eat another $25K in labor and $4K in accrued vacation."

Me:  "How do these bastards even get vacation?"

Jeff:  "You don't think people should get vacation?"

Me:  "Sure, but some other time."

Billy:  "He and I worked 17 hour days for days on end and he offered to feed me dead rats when I complained."

Me:  "So I gotta eat $29K MORE?"

Jeff:  "Yep.  This is all normal."  *walks out of room*

Me:  *slumps down on chair*

Billy:  "What do you know?  Even the Doktor can get stuck in the clockwork like everyone else."

Me:  "I am defeated.  My budget is garbage and the coffee is shit and the drugs do nothing."

Billy:  "Cheer up.  We still have the weekend to redo everything we spent the last 17 days doing."

Me:  "You're turning into me, you know."

Billy:  *stares at me for 2 seconds too long* 

Me:  "Don't you fucking say it."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Dok."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 18, 2019, 11:36:17 am
:spittake:

You've created a monster!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 18, 2019, 04:04:49 pm
:spittake:

You've created a monster!

Are you suggesting I'm responsible for this?  :crankey:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 18, 2019, 09:29:43 pm
 :lulz: :magick:  :lulz:

Your power to inspire is awesome. 'This is all normal' is now my favorite home brewed meme!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 18, 2019, 11:03:16 pm
Are you suggesting I'm responsible for this?  :crankey:

You should be proud.  It is in the nature of a true villain to corrupt the youth, and sow the seeds of destruction for future generations.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2019, 03:52:18 am
Me:  "They called me MAD."

Billy:  "..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 31, 2019, 09:24:02 am
Me:  "They called me MAD."

Billy:  "..."

Can we have context, or would it spoil the party?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2019, 03:46:28 pm
Me:  "They called me MAD."

Billy:  "..."

Can we have context, or would it spoil the party?

It would spoil it.  It was the only funny bit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 06, 2019, 01:28:55 am
At work today:

Me:  "Vinnie, you are as of 10 minutes ago not a janitor."

Vinnie:  "What, are you firing me?"

Me:  "Optimist.  You're the new database admin."

Vinnie:  "I don't know anything about databases."

Me:  "That's the beauty of it.  I don't have to un-train you.  You just learn to do it right the first time."

Me:  *Gestures at Billy*  "You have met the human-shaped mass of corruption that is Billy?"

Billy: "What's up?"

Vinnie:  *stares*

Me:  "Don't look so beat up.  Your salary just doubled."

Vinnie:  "It did?"

Me:  "On the downside, you report to Billy now, though I'll be the one training you, and the IT guy will track your progress."

Vinnie:  "I have three bosses now?"

Me:  "No, you have four bosses now.  Jeff also needs updates on the financial side. "

Billy:  "Welcome to the deep end, kid.  It's full of poop."

Me:  "Don't listen to Billy, he's a pessimist."

Vinnie:  "But you said I report to Billy."

Me:  "Billy reports to me and he never listens to a fucking word I say."

Billy:  "True, true."

Vinnie:  "Do I get a choice in all of this?"

Billy & Me:  *laughs*

Billy:  "We have a saying about choices."

Vinnie:  "...."

Me:  "This is all normal, Vinnie."

Vinnie:  "It is?"

Billy:  Welcome aboard, kid."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 12:37:55 am
A janitor promoted to database admin...?

Well, I suppose both jobs technically involve cleaning up other people's messes, and if he is self-aware enough to say he doesn't know anything about databases, he's already better than 80% of the IT people out there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 07, 2019, 01:25:24 am
A janitor promoted to database admin...?

Well, I suppose both jobs technically involve cleaning up other people's messes, and if he is self-aware enough to say he doesn't know anything about databases, he's already better than 80% of the IT people out there.

I believe that you should promote people who show initiative. 

Either they will exceed your wildest expectations, or they will explode violently in the breakdown lane.  I win either way.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 01:06:22 pm
I believe that you should promote people who show initiative. 

Either they will exceed your wildest expectations, or they will explode violently in the breakdown lane.  I win either way.

That management strategy sounds like something from the evil overlord list (http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html).  I'm starting to get this image of you leaving behind a trail of crushed dreams and nascent supervillains everywhere you go.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 07, 2019, 04:39:48 pm
I believe that you should promote people who show initiative. 

Either they will exceed your wildest expectations, or they will explode violently in the breakdown lane.  I win either way.

That management strategy sounds like something from the evil overlord list (http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html).  I'm starting to get this image of you leaving behind a trail of crushed dreams and nascent supervillains everywhere you go.

YASSS
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on February 11, 2019, 09:11:25 am
...and if he is self-aware enough to say he doesn't know anything about databases, he's already better than 80% of the IT people out there.

QFT
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on February 11, 2019, 11:27:36 am
There is always more to learn about a database in this tutorial we will delve down into

1) Query structure
2) How to normalise tables
3) How does an index work
4) How an index ACTUALLY works
5) Execution plans, and caching (why repeating the same thing over and over again is not a sign of madness but a mistrust of a world built on shifting sands)
6) How Azethoth is at the heart of any SQL installation, and his role in making it work
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on February 11, 2019, 12:01:33 pm
I know just enough about databases to avoid them if I can by any means manage it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2019, 01:46:13 am
Today at work:

Billy:  "You got rear-ended twice today?"

Me:  "Yep.  Both times by an engineer in a Nissan.  Once in my car, once in a work truck."

Vinnie:  "God's out to get you, dude."

Me:  "God needs more gun."

Vinnie:  "..."

Me:  "What?  If he was serious, he'd send someone in an F150."

Billy:  "So God is just yanking your chain?"

Me:  "God is out to get *anyone* that figures out how derivatives work.  It's like learning Enochian.  You know too much, you gotta go."

Vinnie:  "So why Nissans and not the F150?"

Me:  "There's loads of people ahead of me in line, dude.  I'm a small fish.  I know a guy in Boston, God's been after his ass for YEARS."

Vinnie:  "Yeah, so why's he still alive?"

Me:  "You ever try to drive an F150 in Boston?  Can't be done."

Billy:  "That bad?"

Me:  "Yeah, God's stuck in bumper to bumper South of the common, this dude is getting weird all over people in the subway.  I could tell you stories.'

Billy:  "Okay, let's hear it."

Me:  "Nope.  For all I know, he owns an F150."

Vinnie:  "So this is what we do all day?  Talk smack about God?"

Me:  "Nope.  That is for lofty management types such as Billy and me.  You get crunching numbers.  That reserve study ain't gonna write itself."

Vinnie:  "But I don't know how to..."

Billy:  "Hush, dude, it's management time."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on February 14, 2019, 12:59:29 pm
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/CSd7DUTmWBnlm/giphy.gif?cid=4bf119fc5c6565e0705234554199b1f9)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: disco accordion on February 15, 2019, 03:54:30 am
The Billy Chronicles would make a great cartoon or something!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2019, 04:03:32 am
The Billy Chronicles would make a great cartoon or something!

Comic writers all starve to death, so no.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: disco accordion on February 15, 2019, 04:20:59 am
I meant animation. I call animation cartoons. However, It would make a cool comic book too since you mention it!
Even a puppet show if it was done right. Funny stuff!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 20, 2019, 04:28:15 am
Today at work:

Me:  "...And so we can do it in house for $6580, or we can outsource it for $15000."

Vinnie:  "How is this even a question?"

Me:  "Well, that would depend on whose money we're spending."

Vinnie:  "You're more crooked than me."

Me:  "Well, yes,  You are young and do not have the deep-seated degeneracy that I have acquired through years of experience.  Anyway, the approach here is, you set it up as a capital project, say $15K, everyone freaks, you say you know a guy who knows a guy.  Then you say you can do it for maybe $10K, but you're going to need additional funds.  Half way through the project, you say your guys had a brilliant idea, it's going to cost $6580, and you're going to be under budget."

Vinnie:  "How do we benefit from that?"

Me:  "Because nobody asks for the $3420 back, and we stick it on the GL account for tools with what's left on there, and we go buy that sick ass new bore scope the HVAC guys have been drooling over for $5000."

Vinnie:  "Okay, but..."

Me:  "I'm not done yet."

Billy:  "You're gonna love this dude, he's getting religious."

Me:  "Then, because the tool costs $5000, at the end of the quarter, we back it into capitol, then we put the $5000 on the *equipment* line item with what's left on *that*, and we go buy an HVAC unit for the shop, which we need.  And THAT..."

Vinnie:  "THAT costs $5000, so we back IT into capital..."

Me:  "You see where this is going?"

Vinnie:  "Jail?"

Me:  "NOPE.  Totally legal.  I checked with the accounting guy AND the lawyer."

Billy:  "I smell malice."

Me:  "Your instincts are good.  I mean, all of this money has to come from *somewhere*..."

Vinnie:  "I was just gonna ask about that."

Me:  "We get first crack at capitol, so I'm going to steal <other division>'s money."

Vinnie:  "Won't they mind."

Me:  "Dude.  That's why we're doing this.  We don't even NEED a bore scope, you can rent one for $40/day.  What we NEED is to pick <other division>'s pockets while they stand there and WATCH US."

Vinnie:  "..."

Billy:  "I told you this was religious."

Me:  "This is all normal kids.  Welcome to The Corporation."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on February 21, 2019, 11:48:06 pm
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2019, 02:09:55 am
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.

Imagine how *I* feel.

I'm the victim, here.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on February 22, 2019, 02:15:30 am
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.

Imagine how *I* feel.

I'm the victim, here.

Not to kink shame

BUT

I'm kink shaming you
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2019, 02:35:46 am
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.

Imagine how *I* feel.

I'm the victim, here.

Not to kink shame

BUT

I'm kink shaming you

Not only am I kinkshaming you, I'm calling Olivia Benson.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 08, 2019, 05:38:51 pm
Today at work:

F&B Director:  "So I need you to add an outlet here and here."

Kevin:  "How many amps do you need?"

F&B:  "I just need two outlets."

Kevin:  "I still need to know how many amps, to size the wires."

F&B:  "Use the small wire, it's cheaper."

Kevin:  "...."

Me:  "Show me the equipment you want to plug in."

F&B:  "It's that stuff over there."

Me:  *looks*  "This is a total of 29 amps.  The current equipment is 28 amps.  You have a grand total of 30 amps available, so I cannot add 29 amps if those other plugs are still being used."

F&B:  "It won't all be on at the same time."

Me:  "Doesn't matter.  The NEC, OSHA, and the Fire Inspector don't care if it IS on, but whether or not it CAN be on."

F&B:  "I just need two more outlets."

Me:  "No."

F&B:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Because physics says so.  Also because we do not break the electrical code around here."

F&B:  "I'll go to the board."

Me:  "You go right ahead."

F&B:  *storms off*

Kevin:  "What the hell is that guy's problem?"

Me:  "His problem is that he still doesn't realize that <lady who is president of board> is an electrical engineer."

Kevin:  "We can make the circuit larger.  Gonna have to pull some wire."

Me:  "Okay, how long and how much?"

Kevin:  "A day, and maybe $250 with the bigger breaker and the wire and whatnot."

Me:  "Right, so a week and $1000."

Kevin:  "Um."

Me:  "Kevin, you are really going to have to learn at some point while getting the job done is a religion around here now, fucking the other departments out of their budget is definitely core doctrine."

Kevin:  "How do you sleep at night?"

Me:  "Like a baby.  Like a big fat horribly corrupt baby.  Now go order some wire."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on March 08, 2019, 06:01:01 pm
 :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 09, 2019, 04:11:04 am
F&B:  "It won't all be on at the same time."

This is like a government saying "we know the provisions in this new law may seem excessively broad, but we promise to only use these powers against the bad guys."  You can trust the current government, of course. :|  But what if the other team wins the next election?

Measure the draw a month after you upgrade the wire and install the new outlets, and I'll bet even odds they're pushing it past 30A.  Five-to-one that within a year they've plugged in something other than what F&B pointed out, and his guarantee has become even more meaningless.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 14, 2019, 12:19:04 am
F&B:  "It won't all be on at the same time."

This is like a government saying "we know the provisions in this new law may seem excessively broad, but we promise to only use these powers against the bad guys."  You can trust the current government, of course. :|  But what if the other team wins the next election?

Measure the draw a month after you upgrade the wire and install the new outlets, and I'll bet even odds they're pushing it past 30A.  Five-to-one that within a year they've plugged in something other than what F&B pointed out, and his guarantee has become even more meaningless.

Right now, if they plug in 29 amps, the entire distribution network fails all the way back to the 13.8K buses.  Not even kidding.

I am pulling another 100 amps in from another source, but I am doing it painfully slowly because I am feeling like a vindictive asshat right now.  It will be done in time, but just.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 02:53:43 am
Me:  Fired.
Billy:  Fired.
Boss:  Fired.
Kevin:  Fired.
Austin:  Fired.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 19, 2019, 02:55:39 am
What the hell happened? Another pig detonation?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 03:38:10 am
What the hell happened? Another pig detonation?

A difference in opinion over what constitutes financial malfeasance.  We were asked to do something improper, we reported it, we were all shit-canned.

I expect this to lead to hilarity.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 19, 2019, 03:47:10 am
Oh boy. And I remember, it seems so recent, they were concerned about you selling back unused supplies at a profit.

I get the impression you canít say much, but I cannot help but assume that the fun this will result in is the kind that ends, much like a water hammer in a sewage treatment plant, with a loud bang and a slowly rising mass of steaming, toxic muck.

(Yeah, Iíve been rereading the thread.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 19, 2019, 04:40:17 am
A difference in opinion over what constitutes financial malfeasance.  We were asked to do something improper, we reported it, we were all shit-canned.

I expect this to lead to hilarity.
That is the way with attempted cover-ups.  Every action taken just adds to the body of evidence.  Firing whistle-blowers en masse is right up there with setting fire to the police station to obliterate the record of your traffic ticket.

So, are you going to take a second look at that "worst-job-in-the-world" offer from a week or so ago?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 02:26:03 pm
A difference in opinion over what constitutes financial malfeasance.  We were asked to do something improper, we reported it, we were all shit-canned.

I expect this to lead to hilarity.
That is the way with attempted cover-ups.  Every action taken just adds to the body of evidence.  Firing whistle-blowers en masse is right up there with setting fire to the police station to obliterate the record of your traffic ticket.

So, are you going to take a second look at that "worst-job-in-the-world" offer from a week or so ago?

I was waiting for my 2nd interview when this happened.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 02:28:19 pm
Oh boy. And I remember, it seems so recent, they were concerned about you selling back unused supplies at a profit.

I get the impression you canít say much, but I cannot help but assume that the fun this will result in is the kind that ends, much like a water hammer in a sewage treatment plant, with a loud bang and a slowly rising mass of steaming, toxic muck.

(Yeah, Iíve been rereading the thread.)

I knew something was in the wind, so I had been opening 1.5 projects for every one I closed since last December.  Now there's a fair stack of current projects going that all require attention.  I hadn't seen a need to brief anyone.  I am sure things will be fine.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 19, 2019, 04:36:27 pm
That's mean.





(https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0IylyD2fD515YRS8/source.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:20:25 am
So, the dickhead that fired us just called me 10 minutes ago and asked where he can find the projections on <project>.

:lulz:

"I'll send you a rate card."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on March 21, 2019, 03:26:23 am
So, the dickhead that fired us just called me 10 minutes ago and asked where he can find the projections on <project>.

:lulz:

"I'll send you a rate card."

What a fuckin chode
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:55:23 am
So, the dickhead that fired us just called me 10 minutes ago and asked where he can find the projections on <project>.

:lulz:

"I'll send you a rate card."

What a fuckin chode

My rates are very reasonable.  $600/hour, minimum 4 hours.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 21, 2019, 04:04:10 am
My rates are very reasonable.  $600/hour, minimum 4 hours.
"Plus mileage and expenses."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 04:27:04 am
My rates are very reasonable.  $600/hour, minimum 4 hours.
"Plus mileage and expenses."

Obviously.  This is now a contract gig, if it's any sort of gig at all.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 21, 2019, 12:05:05 pm
It's amazing how people fail to recognize "what are you gonna do, fire me?" is an actual thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 12:25:59 pm
It's amazing how people fail to recognize "what are you gonna do, fire me?" is an actual thing.

It's worth mentioning that boss's boss was a man who demonstrated the Peter Principle perfectly.  He really had no clue what he was doing.  He was out half the time, and when he was in, he was surfing the internet, looking at things that pertained to his OLD job...One, say, a step below mine, but at a larger facility.

So he really didn't know what to do, and when he guessed, he was wrong.  Under the stress of the new board leaning on him (the old one just went around him) and a couple of toadies blowing smoke, he finally made an improper decision, rather than a merely incorrect decision.  At this point, my boss had to choose between propping him up, or following the law.  Things got out of hand rather quickly at that point.

I was woken up early by a text message this morning.  Half of the remaining crew quit.  This leaves the boss's boss with 6 people to run 7 day and 7 night shifts.

Life is hard.  It's harder when you refuse to grab the bull by the tail and look the facts in the face.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstien on March 27, 2019, 07:40:27 pm
On a scale of 1 to criminal, how improper was that decision? Sounds juicy.

Also, drop the rate to reasonable but shove in fees for fucking everything under the sun. $2/step needed to be taken. As in walking step, not any kind of procedural step. $1/word spoken. Any needed goods/services are provided under a 100% markup.

I'm still dealing with constant idiocy. Today, I had to explain why a replacement motor, that is half the size and less than half the power of the previous one is not useful. And makes things like "Safe lifting weights" irrelevant because that was worked out and tested on the old motor. That was larger.

The new one will apparently get better with time. I agreed. As we all know, every machine everywhere just gets better with age. It's why people buy old second hand cars. The reliability and efficiency and all that. When I told them this they were unwilling to accept my conclusions. Someone's 75-80% likely to get hurt with this in the next few days and I'm going to laugh, not fix it and gleefully have a few long meetings with the HSE over it.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2019, 08:21:33 pm
On a scale of 1 to criminal, how improper was that decision? Sounds juicy.

Basically it's worth 5-10 in the slammer.

Also, my boss is suing them.

Quote
Also, drop the rate to reasonable but shove in fees for fucking everything under the sun. $2/step needed to be taken. As in walking step, not any kind of procedural step. $1/word spoken. Any needed goods/services are provided under a 100% markup.

I'm still dealing with constant idiocy. Today, I had to explain why a replacement motor, that is half the size and less than half the power of the previous one is not useful. And makes things like "Safe lifting weights" irrelevant because that was worked out and tested on the old motor. That was larger.

The new one will apparently get better with time. I agreed. As we all know, every machine everywhere just gets better with age. It's why people buy old second hand cars. The reliability and efficiency and all that. When I told them this they were unwilling to accept my conclusions. Someone's 75-80% likely to get hurt with this in the next few days and I'm going to laugh, not fix it and gleefully have a few long meetings with the HSE over it.

Machines heal if you let them.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on March 27, 2019, 10:11:26 pm

One doesn't need to be an engineer to know that ANY mechanical device ages like fine wine  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 27, 2019, 10:56:16 pm
The new one will apparently get better with time. I agreed. As we all know, every machine everywhere just gets better with age. It's why people buy old second hand cars.

You can speed this maturation by having one of your minions apply a common industrial coolant (DHMO) to the motor in question.  Natrium chloride will further accelerate the process.  However, this is only effective on certain metallic components.  If there are non-rigid parts you wish to season, you may want to consider the use of "mus musculus."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on March 28, 2019, 07:58:28 pm
OMG, one doesn't simply fire the resident supervillain, it's like they've never read a comic book in their life.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 10, 2019, 10:35:08 pm
Interviewer:  "And the other thing we need to do is increase the capability of our maintenance teams.  We're thinking of about 5 more technicians.  You know people?"

Me:  "Oh, yes, I know people."

IT BEGINS AGAIN, LIKE A PHOENIX RISING FROM ITS OWN POOP.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 10, 2019, 10:44:19 pm
I cannot wait for day one. This is for me what sitcoms are for those other people.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 11, 2019, 01:26:27 am
Same.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on April 11, 2019, 10:24:37 am
OMFG YUS.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Zenpatista on April 14, 2019, 07:24:29 pm
I'm a little concerned about the extent of my excitement for your career. I look forward to your autobiography. It's more exciting than the backhanded compliments and comments where I work.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2019, 08:23:55 pm
I'm a little concerned about the extent of my excitement for your career. I look forward to your autobiography. It's more exciting than the backhanded compliments and comments where I work.

You just need to be more horrible.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 14, 2019, 10:06:58 pm
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 14, 2019, 11:53:44 pm
Arms manufacturing is a tough one for me. I love the engineering of firearms, theyíre like little puzzle boxes, everything shaped and fit together just right. Then thereís the materials component, the ergonomics, weight considerations (for transport and for recoil), tuning of cycle rate, a billion tiny variables, it appeals to the little puzzle solving monkey in me in a deep, deep way.

If youíre talking about big boy toys, missiles are interesting to me from a propellant chemistry standpoint, and artillery is just really really big guns.

And yet my moral and ethical side wonít let me get involved with something Iíd find deeply personally rewarding and lucrative to boot. Not a fan of arming pigs, mass shooters or imperialist bastards. Not criticizing, we all need to eat, it just brought this particular conundrum to the front of my mind.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2019, 01:21:52 am
Arms manufacturing is a tough one for me. I love the engineering of firearms, theyíre like little puzzle boxes, everything shaped and fit together just right. Then thereís the materials component, the ergonomics, weight considerations (for transport and for recoil), tuning of cycle rate, a billion tiny variables, it appeals to the little puzzle solving monkey in me in a deep, deep way.

If youíre talking about big boy toys, missiles are interesting to me from a propellant chemistry standpoint, and artillery is just really really big guns.

And yet my moral and ethical side wonít let me get involved with something Iíd find deeply personally rewarding and lucrative to boot. Not a fan of arming pigs, mass shooters or imperialist bastards. Not criticizing, we all need to eat, it just brought this particular conundrum to the front of my mind.

If it shovels primates off the planet, I'm really okay with it right now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2019, 06:40:13 am
I was born to be a James Bond villain, really.  I just can't seem to make it happen.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on June 16, 2019, 01:17:35 am
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 16, 2019, 03:02:02 am
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."

I'm not really a people person.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 25, 2019, 12:13:11 am
First day on the job.

Dave the R&D Geek:  "So you're the new hotshots.  You think you're weird enough for this gig?"

Me:  *Suggests the 103rd use for ballistics gel*

Billy:  *Suggests the 104rth use*

Dave Geek:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, David."

Dave:  "Okay, you're gonna work out fine."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 25, 2019, 04:33:54 am
This bodes wonderfully.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 26, 2019, 12:23:16 am
Today at work:

English Paul:  "I told you it wasn't the thermocouple, I changed it and the problem is even worse."

Me:  "Did you say 'thermocouple'?  Because that wasn't a thermocouple, I distinctly remember pointing out that it was an RTD."

English Paul:  "They're the same thing."

Me:  "No, they are not.  For one thing, the wire is way to big for a thermocouple, so you are always going to read high."

English Paul:  "But..."

Me:  "And for another thing, they have a different number of wires.  How did you get three wires onto a two wire terminal?"

English Paul:  "I cut off the extra wire."

Me:  "Paul, I have to ask you, what did you do before this?"

English Paul:  "I was a technician."

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  *mumble*

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  "Jiffy Lube."

Me:  "I must admit, I admire your ability to bullshit your way into three times your previous pay."

English Paul:  "I'll just collect my things, shall I?"

Me:  "What?  No.  Bullshitting is a precious skill.  You won't be handling any more wiring, though."

Billy (walking in):  "What's up?"

Me:  "Paul here is going to write our 2020 business plan."

Billy:  "Oh, you sorry bastard."

English Paul:  "Wait what"

Me:  "Just do what you do best.  I shall give you topics, and you shall write great whacking lies, same as you did on your resume."

Billy:  "Welcome to the Old Firm, Paul."

English Paul:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 27, 2019, 02:19:05 am
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.

*returning to our department*

Me:  "That was fucking weird."

Billy:  "Helpful folks."

Me:  "It's fucking eldritch.  I feel as if the dramatic music is playing, or some shit."

Billy:  "I'm okay until I see tentacles."

Me:  "Then it's too late."

Billy:  "It's already too late.  We're in Tucson."

Me:  "You're turning into me, you know."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on June 28, 2019, 10:28:20 am
:spittake:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstien on June 28, 2019, 06:17:32 pm
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.



FOUL WARLOCKS.

Something is rotten as fuck in that dept, I'd guarantee it. Anyone who gets you away and happy quickly is up to shady shit on the QT.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2019, 11:45:04 pm
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.



FOUL WARLOCKS.

Something is rotten as fuck in that dept, I'd guarantee it. Anyone who gets you away and happy quickly is up to shady shit on the QT.

They're shady right out in the open.  They have a "government project" from on high to make a modern-metallurgy Sharps rifle when they're not doing official stuff.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2019, 11:52:59 pm
Steven the Baby Engineer:  "Hey, Dok, do you know what happens when you jacket Isobutane in Vinylidene Chloride and atomize it?"

Me:  "No, but it sounds tasty."

SBE:  "When it ignites it melts the test chamber."

Me:  "You melted a gun safe?"

SBE:  "Yes, and now the slag is poisonous as hell."

Me:  "This is fascinating, but why are you telling me?"

SBE:  "The EPA will be kinda choosy about how we get rid of this."

Me:  "What's this 'we' shit, Kimosabe?  You got a mouse in your pocket?"

SBE:  "I could just chuck it in the scrap metal dumpster."

Me:  "What did Dan at the scrap yard ever do to you?  His kidneys will fall out of his asshole."

SBE:  "I am just a wide-eyed and naive engineer with the ink still wet on his degree."

Me: "You son of a bitch."

SBE:  "You're gonna love it here."

Me:  "Yeah?  Well...Yeah."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 01:00:08 am
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2019, 04:51:24 am
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 05:19:52 am
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on July 03, 2019, 09:17:20 am
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.

How old are these two?

Would they even know who Moe, Larry and Curly were?

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 04, 2019, 12:46:51 am
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.

How old are these two?

Would they even know who Moe, Larry and Curly were?

They are zygotes, which means I get to steal a lot of good jokes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 12, 2019, 12:17:33 am
Today at work:

All of us were frozen with fear, as the pissed off tarantula hawk flew around the carbon room.  Then the little bastard flew into the altitude chamber.  Billy slammed the guard down, and I sent the evil little bastard 6 miles up, atmosphere-wise.

Goodbye flying sadist.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 12, 2019, 12:49:48 am
You need me around there. Iíd have grabbed the little guy with my bare hands. Iíve done it before with them, they donít sting unless you smell of fear.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on July 12, 2019, 03:17:50 am
Tell us more about this altitude chamber. That sounds like all kinds of possible fun.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 13, 2019, 05:06:13 am
Tell us more about this altitude chamber. That sounds like all kinds of possible fun.

It's a 2 meter piece of 60 centimeter pipe with plex on either side and a vacuum pump.  Not as sexy as it sounds, but it does wasps in pretty good.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:33:02 am
Today at work:

1.   It turns out silent propellant isn't really silent.
2.  "Capture" pistols do not work as advertised.
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on July 16, 2019, 04:40:05 am
Today at work:

1.   It turns out silent propellant isn't really silent.
2.  "Capture" pistols do not work as advertised.
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.

Can't tell if this is bad day or best day.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:51:15 am
Today at work:

1.   It turns out silent propellant isn't really silent.
2.  "Capture" pistols do not work as advertised.
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.

Can't tell if this is bad day or best day.

Yes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: TastyCle on July 16, 2019, 08:43:19 pm
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.
Don't you worry, carbon detector will be viable after everyone important switches to a metal body!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 17, 2019, 12:16:00 am
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.
Don't you worry, carbon detector will be viable after everyone important switches to a metal body!

Yeah, no.  We have managed to seal the carbon to the point where you have to damage it before it can be detected.  It has zero ablation or offgassing.

This, however, causes some interesting brittleness issues that are maybe not the best thing for firearms in general.  It's like a 30 Years War musket that can't be detected.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Al Qədic on July 17, 2019, 04:43:59 am
This, however, causes some interesting brittleness issues that are maybe not the best thing for firearms in general.  It's like a 30 Years War musket that can't be detected.

This sounds like the basis of some really niche action game mechanic and I'm all here for it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on July 17, 2019, 09:02:04 am
Is the likelihood of a misfire any higher than a normal firearm?

I can still see a lot of use for a single, reliable shot that no-one can see coming...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 18, 2019, 12:01:58 am
Is the likelihood of a misfire any higher than a normal firearm?

I can still see a lot of use for a single, reliable shot that no-one can see coming...

The chance of misfire is dictated by the bullet, and we are in fact having some difficulty with carbon casings.  We are considering paper, as it will not cling and distort when the pin strikes it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 23, 2019, 03:20:22 am
Today, my boss announced that I am a wizard, because I can read a set of utility bills and eliminate redundancies.  Like $30K of redundancies.

But I have 4 hangnails.  Would a wizard have 4 hangnails?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on July 23, 2019, 04:30:05 am
Today, my boss announced that I am a wizard, because I can read a set of utility bills and eliminate redundancies.  Like $30K of redundancies.

But I have 4 hangnails.  Would a wizard have 4 hangnails?

Saving 30k on utilities in a single month??? Thats like enough to start a bitcoin farm.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on July 23, 2019, 12:07:42 pm
FUCK YES!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 23, 2019, 08:14:27 pm
Today, my boss announced that I am a wizard, because I can read a set of utility bills and eliminate redundancies.  Like $30K of redundancies.

But I have 4 hangnails.  Would a wizard have 4 hangnails?

Saving 30k on utilities in a single month??? Thats like enough to start a bitcoin farm.

Yeah, and the same amount going forward.

Also, and Cain will appreciate this, a joke on my part has let to what we are calling "Project Detritus".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 24, 2019, 03:06:06 am
I may have had to sit though a meeting with people literally wearing MAGA hats, while some AM talk radio crap played in the office. I may have seen fit to have Billy in the meeting, because young people are weak and need scars. I may have strained my poker face in an effort to remain professional.

But at the end of it all, I got funding for Project Detritus (anyone who has read Terry Pratchett will catch the reference) and I am dragging the world into a more horrible yet hilarious future.

I am a very scary man today. I know this because I gave myself my wallet when I was looking in the mirror shaving, to avoid a beating.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 24, 2019, 03:09:34 am
Youíre living the dream, Howl. I canít wait to see what happens next.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 24, 2019, 03:27:41 am
Youíre living the dream, Howl. I canít wait to see what happens next.

My guess?  We'll do awesome things and then I will be fired in 22 months.

I mean, aside from Sasol, that's the trend.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on July 26, 2019, 11:40:55 am
To my understanding, wizards, don't have extra bones, but shaman do.

EDIT: Also, wasn't Detritus the Golem on the watch?... ok, my amusement, stops here, WHAT have you done?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 29, 2019, 04:32:36 am
My desk.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 29, 2019, 04:37:48 am
That desk speaks to me. It says ďIím going to burn a house down. I donít have any specific house in mind, but if you have any suggestions, it will be your house.Ē
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 29, 2019, 02:22:58 pm
The crossbow doesn't worry me.  Without seeing what kind of bolts are going to be used, it's entirely possible that it's only intended for some innocent target practice, as opposed to hunting The Most Dangerous Prey.

The electric pencil sharpener, however, frightens me.  It frightens me greatly.  The only reason to have an electric pencil sharpener in your possession is if you are planning things.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 12:16:20 am
Me:  "595 lines of undocumented code.  I want to find the engineer that wrote this and choke his ass out.  This is BULLSHIT and..."

Billy:  *reaches into a file I had looked through at least twice, pulls out documented code*

Me:  *stares at Billy*

Billy:  *stares at me*

Me:  "AND ANOTHER THING..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on July 31, 2019, 09:43:30 pm
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 31, 2019, 09:52:42 pm
Google saves every single one of them for me. I knew what CNO was missing about that crossbow, and Iíve never read a Pratchett book (Good Omens excepted). They just arenít my thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 10:48:49 pm
Google saves every single one of them for me. I knew what CNO was missing about that crossbow, and Iíve never read a Pratchett book (Good Omens excepted). They just arenít my thing.

I'm not wild about most of his stuff, but the Vimes novels are an exception.  They are superb.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 10:49:37 pm
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really.  :lol:

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on August 01, 2019, 07:03:10 am
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really.  :lol:

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.

Has anyone gotten past Mach 1 with a crossbow, yet?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 01, 2019, 04:11:10 pm
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really.  :lol:

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.

Has anyone gotten past Mach 1 with a crossbow, yet?

Not even close.  Not sure it's possible without shaving the notch of any quarrel you would use.

The fastest crossbow (by the strictest method of measurement) right now is 460 f/s.  We are trying for 928 f/s.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2019, 12:02:29 am
Today I fixed the robot of DOOM.  This is a machine everyone is afraid of, because it's computer driven and uses a weird (ie, non-Allen Bradley) controller.

So I spent a week dicking with the software on a laptop, reading the prints...and, you know, trying to understand how the machine is supposed to work.  It was designed by a human, it can be repaired by a human.

So I dive in and fix it in about 20 minutes.  Then spend an hour testing to make sure it's right.  Then my boss comes out and asks me when I'm going to start.

Me:  "Already done."

Boss:  "You're a WIZARD."

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2019, 06:59:08 am
Today at work:

Me: "I need you guys to go look the cooling tank. It's leaking like a Russian crown prince.

Lou: ...

English Paul: ...

Billy: ...

Me: "What?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on August 03, 2019, 07:56:31 pm
Today I fixed the robot of DOOM.  This is a machine everyone is afraid of, because it's computer driven and uses a weird (ie, non-Allen Bradley) controller.

So I spent a week dicking with the software on a laptop, reading the prints...and, you know, trying to understand how the machine is supposed to work.  It was designed by a human, it can be repaired by a human.

So I dive in and fix it in about 20 minutes.  Then spend an hour testing to make sure it's right.  Then my boss comes out and asks me when I'm going to start.

Me:  "Already done."

Boss:  "You're a WIZARD."

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

I love Emmie
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 04, 2019, 03:43:44 am
Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

Not Gandalf, no.

Saruman was the nerd of the bunch.  Yes, even compared with Radagast.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 12:44:20 am
Today, in tales of troubleshooting:

English Paul:  "This is nuts.  The walk-in oven is not coming to temperature, according to the paint guys.  But when I got here, NOTHING is working."

Me:  "Why is there a small pile of mini-lamps there?"

Dave:  "I changed the bulbs because they were all burned out."

Me:  "These are .02 amp lamps.  What did you put in?"

Dave:  "A bulb is a bulb."

Me:  *takes lamp out of socket*  "These are .33 amp bulbs.  You blew the control transformer fuse."

Dave:  *mutters*

Me:  "Do not get your back up at me, sir.  I am not the person who assumed competence where there is none."

Dave:  "Did you just insult me?"

Me:  "No.  I stated a fact.  You have zero knowledge of electrical controls, but you felt that you were somehow competent to mess with it."

Dave:  "They're just light bulbs."

Me:  "Everything is just something.  Those are just lamps, but they are the wrong lamps.  You and I are just primates, but *you* are the primate that   felt the need to stick your junk in the blender, here."

Dave:  *turns red and grinds teeth."

English Paul:  "How much did this cost us?"

Me:  "$1.09 AND 15 minutes of my irreplaceable time on this planet AND the dignity of a particularly dense primate."

Dave:  "Storms off."

English Paul:  "Are you always a complete dick?"

Me:  "Only when I feel a primate isn't paying attention."

English Paul:  "Billy is right.  You're fucked in the head."

Me:  "This is all normal, Paul."

Me:  "Oh, and Paul?"

Paul:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "That's 'you're fucked in the head, *boss*."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 01:03:50 am
Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 06, 2019, 04:29:05 pm
Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

This is why I hate salespeople. Theyíre insane by nature, insane to survive, or insane by company policy.

They never have their head screwed on straight. Their priorities are always damaged. There should be a factory recall.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 04:30:35 pm
Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

This is why I hate salespeople. Theyíre insane by nature, insane to survive, or insane by company policy.

They never have their head screwed on straight. Their priorities are always damaged. There should be a factory recall.

What's awesome is, I just got ahold of them this morning.  They do not seem interested in selling me anything at all, because that would involve work.

They're out of Chicago, and I had forgotten that Chicago forgot how to get things done 20 years ago.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 06, 2019, 04:32:30 pm
Itís an epidemic.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 04:33:26 pm
Itís an epidemic.

We're balls to the wall in Tucson. 

But we ARE in Tucson, and your rules do not apply to us.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 07:28:56 pm
Baby Engineer:  "Hey, man, got a minute?"

Me: "unnng"

Billy:  "Hang on, dude, we're programming a stepper drive."

Baby Engineer:  "This will only take a second..."

Me:  "UNNNNNG"

Billy:  "And if Dok misses a decimal point, we will invent a new form of OSHA porn."

Baby Engineer:  "But what is he SAYING?"

Billy:  "His is a complex and structured language, but I can translate."

Me:  "UNNNNNNNNNNNNG!"

Billy:  "He says if you don't shut up and fuck off, you might maybe wake up in the morning with your budged slashed."

Baby Engineer:  *leaves*

Me:  "Billy, it's like you know me or something."

Billy:  "Yeah, whatever, start the video from the beginning.  I need my Amy Lee."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 07:44:14 pm
Things that fell out of my face in a meeting:

"Because I love all of you fuckers.  Even the engineers.  And all I ask is for a little love in return.  For my ass.  I think that's what's wrong around here.  Insufficient love for my scabby, hairy ass."

"Where is the love, BE?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 06, 2019, 07:53:24 pm
 :lulz: Itís too bad I canít see their reactions. It would be illuminating.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 14, 2019, 12:47:41 am
Me:  "English Paul has, tragically, quit.  It seems that I was being unreasonable asking him to do that 'work' stuff."

Billy:  "You had him change the carbon media."

Me:  "It was worn out."

Billy:  "It doesn't wear out.  I mean, the worn out stuff is automatically discharged."

Me:  "I figured hand-sorting the grains would keep him busy."

Billy:  "AND you called him paranoid."

Me:  "Okay, I lied.  You're not paranoid if I'm really out to get you."

Billy:  "AND you said the rules don't apply to you because you're dead."

Me:  "It's not Cotard's Syndrome if you're actually dead."

Billy:  ...

Me:  "Besides, he offended me.  The work was not getting done, and here we were paying him.  That's wrong on every level.  Admit it, you didn't like him either."

Billy:  "Well, no, he was a whiner.  But HAND-SORT 450 kg of carbon particles?  That's fucked, even by your standards."

Me:  "It came to me in a dream."

Billy:  "Bullshit, you stole that from Preacher."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 14, 2019, 02:22:45 am
I had always thought that Iíd end up a whiner in the workplace. Turns out Iím the frighteningly efficient member of a team lagging way behind in the metrics. Whoídíve thunk it?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 14, 2019, 03:31:04 am
I had always thought that Iíd end up a whiner in the workplace. Turns out Iím the frighteningly efficient member of a team lagging way behind in the metrics. Whoídíve thunk it?

The main difference in where you land, I think, is whether or not you have fun with what you do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 15, 2019, 11:50:23 pm
*CRACK*

Me:  "okay, the carbon flew all to pieces."

Baby Engineer:  "How far did we get?"

Me:  Just under 20 G acceleration.

BE:  "SHIT."

Billy: "Relax, you're almost 1/5 of the way there."

BE:  "Shut your whore mouth."

Me:  "Don't get so hot under the collar, dude.  It failed.  So what?  That's material science.  You keep failing until one day you don't."

BE:  "It should have worked."

Me:  "See, that's where you are fucked up.  You are an infant engineer, and you were told how the world should operate.  Billy and I, on the other hand, are reliability geeks and we know the world is a shifty bastard with a trust fund and a pocket full of roofies."

BE:  *stares in nerd*

Me:  *Stares in alpha nerd*

BE:  "Get the hell out of here, this is going to be an all-nighter."

Billy:  "You're trying again tonight?"

Me:  "He didn't hear the thing about the pocket full of roofies, apparently.

BE:  "GET OOOOOOOOOUT."

Billy:  "There's no pleasing some people."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on August 16, 2019, 08:48:26 pm
Aaah, the freshly graduated. So bright eyed, so upset when things don't quite work the way they were told.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 16, 2019, 11:25:37 pm
Aaah, the freshly graduated. So bright eyed, so upset when things don't quite work the way they were told.

Baby engineers are adorable.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 19, 2019, 04:50:36 am
Sure, he's adorable now.  But unless he's incompetent, or very, very lucky, in a few short years he'll learn the Horrible Truth, that science exceeded the comprehension of meat-based monkey brains in the late 1940's, and modern technology is a house of cards that is one squirrel fart away from catastrophic collapse.

Then the metamorphosis will occur.

He might become a Project Manager, or System Architect, who deals with High Level Design, and leaves the messy details of physics and manufacturing tolerances to the grunts on the front line.  "How long is it going to take for you to get it working?"

Or he might delude himself that there is an area about which it is possible to know everything, and become a Specialist, mocking derisively anyone who encroaches on his domain, and dismissing all other fields as irrelevant, or trivial.  "That's a software problem.  Not my department."  If his expertise develops enough, he may even begin to believe it applies to all fields, not just his specialization. 

Or he could become one of the Accursed, the Proselytes to the Machine God, who cannot look away or close their eyes to the horrors of reality, who aspire to universal specialization, who are often paralyzed into inaction by seeing all the possible ways the system can fail, and, on rare occasions, actually get something done.  "Did you check the cables?  Did you check the cables again?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 19, 2019, 07:36:09 pm
Sure, he's adorable now.  But unless he's incompetent, or very, very lucky, in a few short years he'll learn the Horrible Truth, that science exceeded the comprehension of meat-based monkey brains in the late 1940's, and modern technology is a house of cards that is one squirrel fart away from catastrophic collapse.

Then the metamorphosis will occur.

He might become a Project Manager, or System Architect, who deals with High Level Design, and leaves the messy details of physics and manufacturing tolerances to the grunts on the front line.  "How long is it going to take for you to get it working?"

Or he might delude himself that there is an area about which it is possible to know everything, and become a Specialist, mocking derisively anyone who encroaches on his domain, and dismissing all other fields as irrelevant, or trivial.  "That's a software problem.  Not my department."  If his expertise develops enough, he may even begin to believe it applies to all fields, not just his specialization. 

Or he could become one of the Accursed, the Proselytes to the Machine God, who cannot look away or close their eyes to the horrors of reality, who aspire to universal specialization, who are often paralyzed into inaction by seeing all the possible ways the system can fail, and, on rare occasions, actually get something done.  "Did you check the cables?  Did you check the cables again?"

:cainftw: :cainftw: :cainftw:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 22, 2019, 02:12:12 am
Things Billy said today:

You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing. It does something else entirely, or nothing at all. It's like voting."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 23, 2019, 02:36:14 am
Product Development Meeting

Boss:  "I invited Hamish today, because this isn't working and perhaps we could use a more technical perpective.  Um, but why is Billy here?"

Me:  "To play my theme music."

Boss:  *looks at me in Boss*

Me:  "We agreed you wouldn't question my methods if I brought results.  I have in fact brought results."

Boss:  "Okay, what did you find?"

Me:  "Well, a few things.  First, you guys assumed that 240 volts AC means 240 volts.  It does not.  It is nominal.  The actual voltage was 205, because Tucson Electric Power is a pack of thieving idiots, so your resistance values were all buggered up and you weren't getting the heat you thought you were getting."

Baby Engineer:  "Holy shit.  I've been banging my head against the wall for a month and the voltage was wrong?  What the actual fuck?"

Boss:  "You said a few things.  What else?"

Me:  "The zygote over there"  *points at Baby engineer* "wrote some tight code.  Only someone else didn't.  His values were metric, the other dude"  *points at Brian* "put his values in standard."

Boss:  "You are shitting me."

Brian:  *attempts to turn invisible, fails*

Me:  "No, I shit you not.  He is some kind of benighted heathen and despite his education cannot seem to use scientific units like a decent human being.  I have corrected his portion of the code."

Boss:  *glowers at Brian*

Brian:  *Very wisely says nothing at all*

Boss:  "I feel an 'and' coming on..."

Me:  "AND the aluminum isn't 7075, it's 6061.  So again, all values are wrong.  Billy found that, and put the correct values in."

Boss:  "Nice one, Billy.  Someone kill the supplier.  So we are functional?"

Me:  "I didn't say that.  We still have to test."

Boss:  "When is that going to happen?"

Me:  "Tonight.  I am staying late.  Everyone should look grateful now.  But I think we're okay, I ran the heat calculations and it should be close to what we're after."

Boss:  "You're a fucking WIZARD.  Even if you are the rudest human being I have met in years."

Me:  "I gotta be me.  I want Brian to stay, too, because he needs to learn about modern technology and the ways of SCIENCE."

Emmy:  "Aren't you forgetting something, nerd?"

Me:  "Quite right.  Billy?"

Billy:  *thumbs cell phone, "Uptown Girl" plays*

*Hamish, Emmy, and Billy dance towards door*

Baby Engineer:  "Fuck it."  *dances out behind us*

And that is how we get things done in Side Effect City.




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on August 23, 2019, 02:57:11 am

What kind of two legged animal uses imperial measurements for science?

**Does the sign of the cross**
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 23, 2019, 03:44:21 am

What kind of two legged animal uses imperial measurements for science?

**Does the sign of the cross**

One that spent 4 hours taking the amp draws this evening while I watched youtube.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 23, 2019, 11:56:45 pm
I love that meeting. You have found your home, I think.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2019, 05:30:06 am
I love that meeting. You have found your home, I think.

Well, I am back in industry after 5 rocky years, so I hope so.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 24, 2019, 05:47:01 am
The main sign to me is that you have a pack of people as willing to flaunt their horrible things in public as you are. You got three people to dance out that door with you and only one was Billy. Thatís only a good sign or the beginning of the apocalypse. (No, Trump doesnít count towards apocalypse, he lacks the vision.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 24, 2019, 06:18:15 am
Billy:  *thumbs cell phone, "Uptown Girl" plays*

*Hamish, Emmy, and Billy dance towards door*

Baby Engineer:  "Fuck it."  *dances out behind us*

That's kinda awesome.

You know...if you weren't in America--and worse, in the Tucson Dimensional Closure--I might be inclined to send you my resume.  Frankly, I'm kind of dumb, have insubordinate tendencies, and you probably don't care what I can do with an FPGA, but if something has a microprocessor connected to it, I can usually figure it out (and if it doesn't have a microprocessor connected, I'll connect one).

My theme song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v3etuIw-aM

Or this one.  Whatever.  Different songs for different situations.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnXXHCz8E3k
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 24, 2019, 06:28:31 am
Iíve already made my offer, but the cold truth is that Tucson doesnít need a customer service professional or a fountain of useless trivia. It needs evil scientists and fearless gods covered in the feces of their defeated enemies, neither of which is in my portfolio.

I think youíd fit though, CNO.

As for theme songs, I am best known at my workplace for honest to god music withdrawals*, and lurking in the smokerís alley listening to stuff like this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D42dVfscV90

But if I had to pick a theme song? Shit, thereís really only one choice. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SpsfkOGfPS8


* when my supervisor notices my metrics slipping he actually asks me ďdid you listen to something while you were on your break?Ē Iíve been sent out on another break more than once for answering no. The numbers do not lie, and the extra break time pays for itself.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 25, 2019, 04:25:11 am
The main sign to me is that you have a pack of people as willing to flaunt their horrible things in public as you are. You got three people to dance out that door with you and only one was Billy. Thatís only a good sign or the beginning of the apocalypse. (No, Trump doesnít count towards apocalypse, he lacks the vision.)

Dancing at work is a sign of a productive staff.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 25, 2019, 04:35:15 am
The main sign to me is that you have a pack of people as willing to flaunt their horrible things in public as you are. You got three people to dance out that door with you and only one was Billy. Thatís only a good sign or the beginning of the apocalypse. (No, Trump doesnít count towards apocalypse, he lacks the vision.)

Dancing at work is a sign of a productive staff.

You know that. I know that. The employees do not know that until itís too late.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstien on August 27, 2019, 07:55:23 pm
It's also handy to find out if they'll stick around.

I've seen it declared to new starts more than once that "JUNGLE IS MASSIVE" followed by 90 seconds of intense Drum and bass. Dancing optional but far from unusual. Then resume as though nothing at all has occurred.

Those that come back for week two are then granted names.


I'm working with ex-army soldiers and a range of monsters. It's lovely.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 27, 2019, 08:03:16 pm
The new guy is working out.  It occurs to me that all of the ones that DO work out have beards.  English Paul did not have a beard and looked like a skinny Winston Churchill; he was doomed to failure.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 27, 2019, 11:41:07 pm
How the fuck does anyone pull off a skinny Churchill? I say you hang onto him just on the strength of that alone. I don't mean on the payroll, I mean like a pet or a mascot.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on August 28, 2019, 12:04:02 am
How the fuck does anyone pull off a skinny Churchill? I say you hang onto him just on the strength of that alone. I don't mean on the payroll, I mean like a pet or a mascot.
All I can imagine of churchill without the fat is a talking hat smoking a cigar
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on August 28, 2019, 02:25:14 am
The new guy is working out.  It occurs to me that all of the ones that DO work out have beards.  English Paul did not have a beard and looked like a skinny Winston Churchill; he was doomed to failure.

If he's bald, mechanical related and around 6ft, sing "journey" at him. If he joins in on the second line I may know the bastard. It's unlikely enough to be possible in the new horrible times.

ETA - if the above is true ask him about the Halloween he was dressed as Satan and got attacked by (real) nurses when he tried to haul my drunk corpse home.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 03:06:58 am
The new guy is working out.  It occurs to me that all of the ones that DO work out have beards.  English Paul did not have a beard and looked like a skinny Winston Churchill; he was doomed to failure.

If he's bald, mechanical related and around 6ft, sing "journey" at him. If he joins in on the second line I may know the bastard. It's unlikely enough to be possible in the new horrible times.

ETA - if the above is true ask him about the Halloween he was dressed as Satan and got attacked by (real) nurses when he tried to haul my drunk corpse home.

This guy is 50, thinks Trump is great and wants the NHS to be abolished.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 28, 2019, 05:45:05 am
Iím surprised you didnít make him sort the carbon media with chopsticks, given that description.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 02:06:51 pm
Iím surprised you didnít make him sort the carbon media with chopsticks, given that description.

There is no line item for chopsticks, or I might have.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 28, 2019, 03:19:10 pm
Iím surprised you didnít make him sort the carbon media with chopsticks, given that description.

There is no line item for chopsticks, or I might have.
Issue him a two-by-four and a hacksaw.  He can make his own chopsticks.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 11:11:00 pm
SO.  Baby Engineer hired up a mean girls squad to do layout on the new product, and they have tripled output.

Suddenly, the machines *I* am building are the bottleneck.

Boss:  "Oh, and we moved the release date 3 weeks closer."

Me:  "Oh you bastard."

Baby Engineer:  "Oh, hey, even WIZARDS can get caught up in the clockwork."

Me:  "Oh, we can totally do this."

Boss:  "That's what I wanted to hear."

Me:  "But it's gonna cost you."

Boss:  "That's NOT what I wanted to hear."

Me:  "It is what it is.  I now have 3 weeks to do 6 weeks of work.  This doesn't happen without cost."

Boss:  "What kinda cost?"

Me:  "50% overtime and a sickass pair of sound bars."

Boss:  "Sound bars?"

Me:  "Music means productivity."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "$500 and some overtime vs a dropped ship date."

Boss:  "Where I come from, we call this 'strong-arming'."

Me:  "Where *I* come from, we call it 'extortion.'  But here we are."

Boss:  "Can you really do this in 3 weeks?"

Me:  "Oh, that's easy, but what ISN'T easy is the NEXT bottle neck, which is figuring out how to cool down aluminum at 3C/minute from 135 to ambient."

Boss:  *looks at Steve in Boss*

Steve (to me):  "I hate you."

Me:  "Clockwork, meet Steve.  Steve, meet clockwork."

Brian:  "Wait.  What just happened?"

Steve:  "Well, we HAD a three day weekend coming."

Me:  "This is all normal, Steve."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 11:19:55 pm
Baby Engineer makes things that WORK. He just doesn't think 3 steps ahead yet, because he is young, and the young are weak.

Whereas I can survive for a week on an unwary pigeon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 29, 2019, 03:00:24 am
Baby Engineer makes things that WORK. He just doesn't think 3 steps ahead yet, because he is young, and the young are weak.

Whereas I can survive for a week on an unwary pigeon.

 :spittake:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 29, 2019, 02:58:59 pm
I just realised you're writing the script to the ultimate sitcom here. Does your life come with a laugh track?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 29, 2019, 05:44:02 pm
No, Howl has a live studio audience.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 29, 2019, 06:43:37 pm
No, Howl has a live studio audience.

And they all look like this.
 :fishhook:
All the time  :eek:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 29, 2019, 06:45:21 pm
What else would you look like as a part of a ghoulish horde doomed to follow the saint of bad science to the pits of Tucson? So you can laugh for him, even.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on August 29, 2019, 09:46:23 pm

Something like a spinoff of Eraserhead would be fitting, the element of the weird laughtrack specially.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 30, 2019, 03:25:18 am
What else would you look like as a part of a ghoulish horde doomed to follow the saint of bad science to the pits of Tucson? So you can laugh for him, even.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 30, 2019, 03:25:41 am
No, Howl has a live studio audience.

And they all look like this.
 :fishhook:
All the time  :eek:

We are very serious about havin' a good time, here.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 08, 2019, 01:10:30 am
Things I said at work today:

"Billy, take the new guy out back and shoot him."

"No, I can't take the day off just because it is a Saturday.  The things will not do themselves and we have a deadline.  It may be artificial and meaningless, but it is still a deadline."

"Steve, you can tell an artificial deadline from a real one by whether or not anyone loses funding by missing it.  Which means they are all real.  Why are you looking at me like that?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 08, 2019, 03:50:21 am
Iíve had some ďtake them out back and shoot themĒ moments today.

Highlight: a SERIES of MULTIPLE representatives replaced a womanís hardware over the course of a month. This equipment is NOT compatible with the womanís home, and if they had followed the clearly laid out instructions for troubleshooting, the VERY FIRST THING THERE is that it REQUIRES a mechanical box, not a digital one. Yes! Yes, she is having problems! They didnít pay attention, of course sheís having problems!

So one month, 169 dollars and multiple headaches later this lady has to be informed by me that SIX REPRESENTATIVES SKIPPED BASIC TROUBLESHOOTING STEPS. I sold her a device that IS compatible at a discount, and gave her a monthís free service in exchange. Sheís happy, Iím glad sheís happy, but by god I wish someone would send these brave souls responsible for the mess marching out the third floor window in single file.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2019, 06:50:58 pm
A short motivational talk I gave to my department, upon being told I needed to do motivational talks:

Weapons manufacturers are the most degenerate people on Earth.  You can see the crusted filth on their lips over the phone.  They have fat wallets and tiny necks, and the hubris of 1979 automotive executives.  They are the absolute scum of mankind, but their checks cash.  This is why we do business with them; we aren't the good guys, either.  It is said there is no ethical consumption under capitalism and we are the reason this is true.

I do not say this because I feel we should all roll around in our own evil.  I say it because we have one layer of purity in our otherwise depraved lives:  We get the job done.  Whether someone wants to topple a neighboring government, or just chop off an enemy's hand, people like us have ALWAYS been the go-to for the capability to do so.  I am reasonably sure that Nebuchadnezzar had a few dozen wise guys that just sat around all day inventing newer and better bow strings.  That's us.  We're that guy.  We have always been that guy.

We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better.

Now, I trust you are all properly motivated.  Let's get back to work.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2019, 06:55:21 pm
ďWe donít make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better.Ē Is going in the newsfeed, right? Right???
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2019, 07:03:41 pm
ďWe donít make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better.Ē Is going in the newsfeed, right? Right???

:lulz:

Sure, why not?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 18, 2019, 10:53:24 pm
Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

Clayton:  "That might be a BIT aggressive."

Me:  "You obviously don't have the same kind of enemies I have."

Clayton:  "You're right, I don't.  That's sick."

Me:  "Our clients DO.  If I was selling to you, I'd say 'the best deterrent since the MIRV', but I am selling to people who think like me."

Doug:  "That's sick.""

Melissa:  "That is pretty sick."

Me:  "Have you people looked at what we DO for a living?  How about 'Make your enemies wake up deader,' or 'Your enemies won't wake up *anything*'?  If you want *healthy*, why are you even in this business?  We are not healthy people and we are not making a healthy product." 

Melissa:  "Or how about 'And nobody ever heard anything out of your rival's fat mouth ever again'?"

Me:  "See, that's what I'm saying.  This is a sick product for a sick time on a sick planet, and we should own that."

Melissa:  "...a sick product for sick people.  I can work with this."

Clayton:  "We can't call our clients sick."

Melissa:  "Not in so many words, no.  But if you give me a couple of days, I can say the same thing in a way that makes them want to be even sicker."

Clayton:  "Go with that."

Doug:  "..."

Me:  "We're not the good guys, Doug."

Doug:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Doug."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 18, 2019, 11:09:31 pm
How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. Itís just the facts.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 19, 2019, 12:03:58 am
Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I don't know what you're selling, but I want one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 19, 2019, 01:17:53 am
Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I don't know what you're selling, but I want one.

Me too!
I'll take five.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 19, 2019, 01:18:32 am
How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. Itís just the facts.

I am an idealist. 

It's just that my ideals are bad.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 19, 2019, 01:34:16 am
How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. Itís just the facts.

I am an idealist. 

It's just that my ideals are bad.

How can you be an idealist? You have an ideal vision for our future, itís true, but you donít simply assume that future will come about on its own. No, you know we must MAKE the vindaloo and then make everyone actually WANT the resultant death farts before your future can come about.

Idealists are out of touch with reality, and assume that it works the way they want it to already. Any evidence to the contrary is everyone else Being Wrong, or else Trying To Ruin It, and such evidence will never change their minds on the matter.


Really, itís basically like libertarianism. The idealist thinks things should just naturally be a certain way, cannot fathom the idea that they are wrong, and enjoys sucking the farts out of their own ass and into their nose at high speed with a diesel powered pump. All theyíre missing is Ayn Rand and a face like a boot print.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 19, 2019, 04:03:54 am
I dream of world conquest... my dreams, even, are tainted. I don't have dreams or nightmares anymore, as I immediately realize I am dreaming and I control everything. I begin to thirst for bigger and better things. Anyway, story still rocks, thanks Doctor Howl.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on September 19, 2019, 06:26:54 pm
your job is always an adventure, isn't it? :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 19, 2019, 07:41:18 pm
your job is always an adventure, isn't it? :lulz:

I have chosen a bizarre career arc.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2019, 12:28:07 am
I went back to work today.  I am still sick with the fucking plague, but I had meetings I had to attend.  So I drove 15 miles in, went into my office, skyped over to the meeting room (My remote desktop was fucked because IT guy forgot to move the password change thingie to "never" and it expired on Sunday, and dumbass ALSO has the flu).

Boss:  "You there, Hamish?"

Me:  "Good morning, angels."

Boss:  "Goddammit."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 04, 2019, 08:06:18 pm
Things that got said at work today:

Billy (to Baby Engineer):  "The C in engineering stands for 'can do'."

Baby Engineer (to machine shop guy):  "When I say I need your help, I mean that I need your help.  I don't need you flapping your face meat at me while you're doing it."

Me (to Alfred, aka 'filthy apprentice'):  "When you move slowly, it's like the whole world is slow.  And it's Friday.  So how about you move your ass?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 04, 2019, 09:06:04 pm
Billy said my new favorite phrase. Youíve made fine monsters.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 04, 2019, 09:21:19 pm
Billy said my new favorite phrase. Youíve made fine monsters.

I have to admit, Billy has shaped up nicely. 

But if you tell him I said that, I'll say that you're lying.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 05, 2019, 05:53:33 am
Alfred, on the other hand, has a time dilation effect large enough to reach Boston. I had a three hour lunch and still the clock said I only took 45 minutes when I sat back down.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 07, 2019, 06:36:45 pm
Boss:  "What the hell are you two listening to?"

Billy:  "Something Hamish put together."

Boss:  "It sounds like someone dying."

Me:  "No, it's just a voice recording of me coughing when I had the flu a couple of weeks back, looped in with some dubstep."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "Sometimes you need more than UNF UNF UNF."

Billy:  "I *like* the part where it goes UNF UNF UNF."

Me:  "That's like saying you like the horse in Guernica, so you can just leave the rest of the painting out."

Boss:  "..."

Billy:  "I would.  The screaming people detract from the screaming horse."

Me:  "You're a Goddamn philistine.  See what I have to work with, Boss?  How am I supposed to get anything done with a savage like this guy working for me?"

Boss:  "Um.  *Are* things getting done?"

Me:  "We're a week ahead of schedule."

Billy:  "And 15% under budget."

Me: "You're not supposed to tell him that."

Boss:  "I am standing right here, Hamish."

Me:  "And now you are also grossly over-informed."

Boss:  "Whatever.  The people over in ballistics are bitching about the noise."

Me:  "Are THEY ahead of schedule and under budget?"

Boss:  "You know they aren't.  They are a money sump that no productive results can escape."

Me:  "Then I'd say the problem isn't our music.  It is with lazy engineers who are probably getting all weird with the ballistics gel again."

Boss:  "You're right.  I shall go scream at them."

Billy:  "Sounds like a plan."

Boss:  "Of course it does.  I thought of it."

Boss:  "Oh, and turn the music up.  I will show those fuckers 'normal'.  Lazy bastards."  *walks out*

Billy:  "I think I like this guy."

Me:  "Philistine."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 pm
Never mind, I take all the good things about Billy back.

No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

Also, :lulz: at the bossís parting words. ďIíll show those fuckers normalĒ is extremely on brand for you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 06:43:02 pm
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 07, 2019, 06:44:45 pm
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.

When inevitably we meet, since I live and work in the Boston area, we shall do battle.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 07, 2019, 06:51:31 pm
Never mind, I take all the good things about Billy back.

No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

Also, :lulz: at the bossís parting words. ďIíll show those fuckers normalĒ is extremely on brand for you.

I have that effect, I am told.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 07, 2019, 06:52:14 pm
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.

When inevitably we meet, since I live and work in the Boston area, we shall do battle.

This is gonna be better than Gojira.  I believe I wrote up the last time someone came after LMNO at work.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 07:05:39 pm
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.

When inevitably we meet, since I live and work in the Boston area, we shall do battle.

I, for one, will be on horseback.  You fucker.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 07, 2019, 07:16:28 pm
A foolish decision, as I will be on a motorboat. No, I donít care that we will be on land. The sounds of the engine will terrify and derange your steed while I throw plants at you. My success is assured.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 11, 2019, 12:18:49 am
Boss:  "...And then we realized that Baby Engineer was never taught the difference between capital and expense, so none of the allocations were made."

Me:  "Yeah, they were."

Boss:  "When?"

Billy:  "Last night, between 3 PM and 11 PM."

Boss:  "You sorted 600 invoices?"

Me:  *slides flash drive across table*

Boss:  "Who told you to do that?"

Me:  "I knew it had to be done."

Boss:  "Well, you know what the reward for hard work is?"

Billy:  "A bottle of rum and a fat bag of crank?"

Boss:  "No, more work.  I need you guys to cost out the new cooling system."

Me:  "Done."

Boss:  "..."

Billy:  "We were bored this morning."

Boss:  "How much?"

Me:  "Labor.  All parts are on hand."

Boss:  "We do not have those parts."

Billy:  "We do.  We totally do."

Boss:  "Where?"

Me:  "We're gonna use the two spare chillers from the machine department, a couple of 300 gallon totes, a sump pump, and one of the old Watlow controllers."

Billy:  "We made it out of scrap.  In a cave."

Boss:  "It's that easy?"

Me:  "For proof of concept.  A productions system, on the other hand, is very expensive.  Lots of R&D."

Boss:  "But this IS the R&D, and it's labor only."

Me:  "..."

Billy:  "..."

Boss:  "..."

Billy:  "Lots of money."

Boss:  "You are wizards but you should be wizards somewhere else."

Billy:  "Huh?"

Me:  "He's throwing us out of his office."

Billy:  "Oh, okay.  That's normal."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2019, 05:07:31 pm
Things that got said at work today:

Billy:  "If I can't have an employee shot for malingering, what is the *point* of being an acting department manager?"

Me:  "Not everything has to explode.  I mean, everything *should*, but sometimes you can just get by with delivering a nerve agent.  Or a psychotropic drug.  I mean, sure, you can blow your enemy up or poison him to death, but you can also watch him run down the road buck naked, screaming that rats are eating his brains.  Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Boss:  "Product dropped and we have only 600 units back ordered.  I don't know whether to give the production department a raise or have the sales department shot."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 22, 2019, 01:43:28 pm
Boss:  "Product dropped and we have only 600 units back ordered.  I don't know whether to give the production department a raise or have the sales department shot."
Have the production department shoot the sales department.  It will be good for morale, and will save the expense of a pay raise.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 22, 2019, 08:07:38 pm
Boss:  "Product dropped and we have only 600 units back ordered.  I don't know whether to give the production department a raise or have the sales department shot."
Have the production department shoot the sales department.  It will be good for morale, and will save the expense of a pay raise.

You're in the wrong business.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 25, 2019, 11:56:59 pm
Boss:  "So I'm thinking Billy is going to be the new maintenance manager, because I have other things for you to do."

Me:  "Okay, like what?"

Boss:  "Get control of the money."

Billy:  "Oh, he can do money."

Boss: "Billy, you will still report through him.  Because that's one less person I have to look at."

Me:  "What's my new job title?"

Boss:  "Wizard.  You are now the director of wizard."

Me:  "I am drunk with power."

Billy:  "Here we go."

Me:  "This is all normal, mortal."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 26, 2019, 12:10:24 am
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 12:43:42 am
Yes, I, too, would like to see that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 07:06:08 am
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.

I guess Monday is the day I highjack the laser engraver.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 07:06:15 am
The Tucson Rules:

1. Tucson is everywhere. Everywhere is Tucson.
2. This being Tucson, your petty laws do not apply.
3. Some physical laws may also not apply. This is often situational.
4. If the police are all throwing up, don't look.
5. If you leave Tucson from the North, you enter Tucson from the South. Like in Pac Man.
6. Don't ask why all the bar stools are covered in bite marks if you don't want to know. Why do I even have to say this?
7. It is still 1979 in Tucson, only with smart phones.
8. Trump may be your president, but ours is Neil Sedaka, and breaking up is hard to do.
9. Accelerate out of trouble.
10. Save your brightest smile for hell, darlings.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 02:01:13 pm
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.

I guess Monday is the day I highjack the laser engraver.

Do eet. Fucking do it. It should read "Head Wizard". Somewhere, Dumbledore is turning over in his grave, they weren't supposed to just turn Hogwarts over to the dark lord.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 26, 2019, 05:46:44 pm
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.

I guess Monday is the day I highjack the laser engraver.

Do eet. Fucking do it. It should read "Head Wizard". Somewhere, Dumbledore is turning over in his grave, they weren't supposed to just turn Hogwarts over to the dark lord.

How fucking dare you defile this Holy Place with J.K.Rowling tripe.

ETA: This is supposed to be a joke but J. K. Rowling is still trash and you should still feel bad.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 08:11:31 pm
I don't feel bad, not in the slightest. There are no sacred cows anywhere. Also it was a joke you awful chode.

EDIT: Also Nullified, sorry about the "awful chode" comment. I'd call someone much worse than a chode if I were truly upset, it was another joke, I need a new sense of humor.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 08:40:36 pm
Can we not?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 26, 2019, 10:16:28 pm
My bad, I had just woken up at the time and didnít tailor the reply to the audience appropriately. Entire thing made in a good-natured spirit, edit included (I will not apologize for hating Rowling though).
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2019, 06:34:21 pm
So, it looks like we will be sharing the grounds with a growery.  Because nothing makes more sense than hostile technology on one end of the facility and hippies on the other.  And given that we don't boot people for pot on drug screens, this pretty much assures that the people advancing the surveillance society will be all fucked up on drugs.  Which is as it should be.

This is truly the best of all possible timelines.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on October 30, 2019, 09:15:11 pm

Now you guys just need to actually start growing food, install a bunker and a confederate flag, and you're all set to fight the Chinese/Russian invasion, lead the resistance against the deep state takeover or win the con/lib civil war  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2019, 10:42:36 pm

Now you guys just need to actually start growing food, install a bunker and a confederate flag, and you're all set to fight the Chinese/Russian invasion, lead the resistance against the deep state takeover or win the con/lib civil war  :lulz:

Confederate flag?  This was a union territory and everyone hates the confederacy.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on October 30, 2019, 10:47:02 pm
So, it looks like we will be sharing the grounds with a growery.  Because nothing makes more sense than hostile technology on one end of the facility and hippies on the other.  And given that we don't boot people for pot on drug screens, this pretty much assures that the people advancing the surveillance society will be all fucked up on drugs.  Which is as it should be.

This is truly the best of all possible timelines.

If it was good enough for the CIA in the 1950s...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 07, 2019, 05:13:48 pm
Billy:  "...And then HR says that you can't fire someone for being a dickhead."

Me:  "Makes you wonder what the point is, right?"

Billy:  "I can't understand it.  Is there a better reason to fire someone?"

Me:  "Well, yes.  'Not getting the job done' comes to mind."

Billy:  "Getting the job done should be implied by the very fact that we are here."

Me:  "So what are you going to do?"

Billy:  "I'm going to go buy 5 loaves of bread."

Me:  "..."

Billy:  "Then I'm gonna chop the bread up."

Me:  "..."

Billy:  "Then I'm gonna throw it all over the roof."

Me:  "But then the pigeons will..."

Me:  "Oh."

Billy:  "Then a certain DICKHEAD will have to clean up pigeon shit until he quits."

Me:  *sniffle*  "My little Billy is all grown up."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 14, 2019, 06:47:23 pm
Billy:  "You did what?"

Me:  "I sold the facility to pot farmers."

Billy:  "You sold your own workplace?  You can't do that!"

Me:  "I can.  I did."

Billy:  "So what happens to us?"

Me:  "We use the North building rent free for 24 months while we locate and move to a more appropriate facility."

Billy:  "How did you manage that?"

Me:  "The day I can't out-negotiate a half a dozen venture capitalists and a couple of hippies is the day you are morally-obligated to SHOOT ME IN MY FACE."

*boss walks in*

Boss:  "Did I just hear that someone is jumping head in line to shoot Dok in his face?"

Billy:  "I have known him longer."

Boss:  "I outrank you."

Me:  "I'm kinda STANDING RIGHT HERE, GUYS."

Billy:  "For the moment, anyways."




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 14, 2019, 09:10:47 pm
I yearn for the day people argue about who gets dibs on murdering me. Thatís what real success looks like!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 18, 2019, 10:45:42 pm
At work today:

Me:  "My revenge will be of a nuclear savagery powerful enough to slam you back in time and explode you in your mother's womb."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 18, 2019, 11:16:08 pm
I can top that, for once.

Me: [Outsourced CS company] can be trusted only to ensure we keep our jobs. Nowhere else will you find people whose idea of customer service is to fucking cancel an order a customer asked to expedite.

Coworker: We should launch them into the damn sun.

Me: ARE YOU CRAZY

[blank stares]

Me: THE SUN WOULD GO OUT! Theyíre not fit for fuel!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 18, 2019, 11:18:36 pm
I can top that, for once.

Me: [Outsourced CS company] can be trusted only to ensure we keep our jobs. Nowhere else will you find people whose idea of customer service is to fucking cancel an order a customer asked to expedite.

Coworker: We should launch them into the damn sun.

Me: ARE YOU CRAZY

[blank stares]

Me: THE SUN WOULD GO OUT! Theyíre not fit for fuel!

:lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 10:28:46 pm
My day in pics
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 10:29:21 pm
And this
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 10:29:42 pm
And this

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 19, 2019, 11:19:51 pm
Holy fucking hell.

Thatís the kind of day that you normally have to pay for.

I have to know what the fuck you did to that deadblow hammer. HAVE to. The People demand it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 11:49:18 pm
Holy fucking hell.

Thatís the kind of day that you normally have to pay for.

I have to know what the fuck you did to that deadblow hammer. HAVE to. The People demand it.

I deadblowed a little too hard.  The thing was stuck and wouldn't do the thing, so I did the thing and then copper beads all over the place.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 20, 2019, 12:20:44 am
:lulz:

That doesnít look like ďdeadblowed a little too hardĒ so much as ďfed into a wood chipper at high velocityĒ. But then it was Doktor Hamish Howl wielding it, so thatís basically correct.

What the fuck were you beating that hard? Legitimately curious. I canít imagine anything for which a deadblow hammer is the correct tool that needs THAT much force.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 20, 2019, 12:31:38 am
:lulz:

That doesnít look like ďdeadblowed a little too hardĒ so much as ďfed into a wood chipper at high velocityĒ. But then it was Doktor Hamish Howl wielding it, so thatís basically correct.

What the fuck were you beating that hard? Legitimately curious. I canít imagine anything for which a deadblow hammer is the correct tool that needs THAT much force.

A 70 kg plate attached to a cylinder.  The plate was misaligned, causing the cylinder to lock under sideload.  It's one of those rare situations where brute force is the best option.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 23, 2019, 04:46:55 am
I am on vacation until the 2nd.  My boss asked me to think up a few job ads while I'm gone, in exchange for me not getting otherwise bothered.

OKAY.

#1:  Marketing ace wanted.  We call it a "marketing ace" to get you excited about a soul-crushing job in a hostile industry.  You won't get paid shit, but we also will not actually allow you to do your job, on account of the fact that people need to sign and NDA to even know what services we provide.  You will sit in a cubicle and stare at your screen in anguish, all dreams of Madison Avenue crushed like the enemies of our clients.  We offer a benefits package that would insult someone from an undiscovered tribe in Peru, and will dangle stock options in front of you from time to time.  70+ hour work week, and no needless feelings of accomplishment, or even any validation of your existence.  Apply today!  Masters degree and 80+ years of experience REQUIRED.  Entry level position.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 23, 2019, 04:53:27 am
If I could do it from Boston and get paid more than 15 dollars an hour Iíd be all in. Unfortunately, the masters degree and lifetime experience makes me ineligible by default, because Iím a high school dropout who scares Harvard Professors with the amount of shit I know, and I have never done a lick of the Good Stuff for anything but my own amusement.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 23, 2019, 05:03:45 am
If I could do it from Boston and get paid more than 15 dollars an hour Iíd be all in. Unfortunately, the masters degree and lifetime experience makes me ineligible by default, because Iím a high school dropout who scares Harvard Professors with the amount of shit I know, and I have never done a lick of the Good Stuff for anything but my own amusement.

We have very unrealistic requirements.  Also, you would lose your shit in the first two days, not because everyone's a dick (they aren't), but because our company and our industry are a mass of contradictions, bad signal, and also a bit of a moral abyss.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 23, 2019, 05:06:02 am
Iím used to moral abysses. Ask me some day about security systems. Really! Ask!

And contradictions and bad signal I get pissed off at and then simply start responding to with malice. They give me deniability, I give them a syphilitic penis to choke on.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 28, 2019, 02:58:40 am
Billy has been offered a promotion to my level, in our Delaware facility.  It's a career maker for him.

He's nervous about relocating, but I told him to relax, because Delaware has the nicest people in the country, as well as the best drivers.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 28, 2019, 03:03:01 am
 :lulz: :lulz:

I donít even know what to say, this will end wonderfully for everyone on the east coast. Tucson is COMING FOR US
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 28, 2019, 03:06:32 am
:lulz: :lulz:

I donít even know what to say, this will end wonderfully for everyone on the east coast. Tucson is COMING FOR US

I was totally lying about Delaware.  They're a pack of assholes that drive like they've been driven blind by methanol consumption.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 04, 2019, 06:24:39 pm
So, while in the process of selling my workplace to pot farmers and some Canadian weirdos, we discovered an old utility easement from 1949 during a records search of our internal property records (which must be made available to the purchaser and the city).  At the time, this part of downtown was still undeveloped desert, and they put the easements in to plan for future roads.  Our facility takes up the equivalent of 4 city blocks, so when the time came, back in the 1970s, the planned road was never made.  The easement remained, forgotten by everyone.

We cannot split the properties between the two buyers without removing the easement. 

The electric company has no records going back that far.

The city's records were eaten by rats in the 1980s (I ran into this exact same problem at the refinery).

The city will not remove the easement without the consent of the power company.  The power company will not sign off because, as far as they know, the easement doesn't exist.

We are now in limbo until we can get a judge that has jurisdiction.  The problem with THAT is that our property borders on O'Odham property (part of the reservation is inside the city limits) and all the city judges have The Fear.  Federal judges will not even look at it because our land is in fact city land.

This is a problem that could only happen in Tucson.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on December 04, 2019, 07:27:13 pm

As only our younger generations could aptly describe: BIG OOF
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 09:46:14 pm
So I got my new assistant today.  His name is Norton.

Norton is adorable.  He has a brand-new, shiny degree in chemistry, and some absolutely absurd notions about how the world operates.  He is also an encyclopedia of movie trivia.  He seems to be about 3 weeks old (I may just be getting older here), and this is his first real job.

What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Oddly enough, if it weren't for bastards like me, no progress would ever happen.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on December 19, 2019, 09:52:28 pm
Chemists are weird though. He'll probably take to it just fine, if not obsessively.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 10:48:12 pm
Chemists are weird though. He'll probably take to it just fine, if not obsessively.

I'm kinda counting on that.  I hired him because he's a nerd, and you can never get enough of those.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 19, 2019, 10:49:33 pm
That is an interesting approach.

Benefits: If you want to see him turn colors and start smoking like a tire fire, you can always ask him every few months if he knows anyone who knows anything about chemistry, then say ďNever mindĒ if he volunteers himself.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 11:18:53 pm
That is an interesting approach.

Benefits: If you want to see him turn colors and start smoking like a tire fire, you can always ask him every few months if he knows anyone who knows anything about chemistry, then say ďNever mindĒ if he volunteers himself.

Naw, I like being the nightmare boss, but not like that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 20, 2019, 01:59:43 am
What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Electricity comes from batteries.  Batteries are chemical.  Therefore, all electrical processes can be reduced to chemical equivalents.  Or something.

But seriously, if Norton is a reasonably bright B.Sc, I'm sure he'll be fine.  A basic grounding in a physical science tends to be transferable to all sort of fields.  Holders of advanced degrees are harder to predict.  With a PhD you could get a rock star, or you could get a prima donna who refuses to get their hands dirty.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 20, 2019, 04:27:54 am
What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Electricity comes from batteries.  Batteries are chemical.  Therefore, all electrical processes can be reduced to chemical equivalents.  Or something.

But seriously, if Norton is a reasonably bright B.Sc, I'm sure he'll be fine.  A basic grounding in a physical science tends to be transferable to all sort of fields.  Holders of advanced degrees are harder to predict.  With a PhD you could get a rock star, or you could get a prima donna who refuses to get their hands dirty.

He starts grad school next fall, which means that by law I can pay him in Ramen.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 23, 2019, 05:47:02 pm
Me:  "Welcome aboard, Norton."

Norton:  "Thanks."

Me:  "You're over-dressed."

Norton:  "Excuse me?"

Me:  "If you insist on walking around in nice clothes, soon they will expect all of us to do it.  Worse, they might expect *me* to do it.  Jeans and a collared shirt are acceptable."

Norton:  "Okay."

Me:  "Now, down to business, and I hate to throw you in the deep end on your first day, but we have an urgent task."

Norton:  "That's why I'm here."

Me:  "Very good.  We need to write a vision statement."

Norton "..."

Me:  "What, you thought it was *all* deathbots and no paperwork grind?"

Norton:  "How do you even write one of those?  They seem to be a bunch of words that say exactly nothing."

Me:  "This is true.  I know a guy that has turned that into an art form.  Anyway, you and I have *real* vision, and we won't be doing that."

Norton:  "How about 'the last vendor you'll ever need'?"

Me:  "Oh, you're going to do well.  How about 'Give the archaelogists screaming nightmares'?"

Norton:  "Be the reason the aliens don't know what ever happened to us."

Me:  "Nice."

Norton:  "I just shot Marvin in the face."

Me:  "SOLD!"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 23, 2019, 06:37:53 pm
Norton:  "Be the reason the aliens don't know what ever happened to us."
Yup, he'll do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 23, 2019, 07:02:22 pm
Norton knows just enough about the world heís joined.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 23, 2019, 07:51:11 pm
Norton knows just enough about the world heís joined.

His last suggestion, from Pulp Fiction, is about the most accurate motto for this place that I've ever seen.  Because this is a large collection of smart people that have to be stupid to bring on the future.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 23, 2019, 08:01:19 pm
Iím in the opposite situation: a massive collection of morons trying to hold back a tide of even greater stupid before it crushes us flat.

I have been putting together an exit strategy. Next year it will be yet another piece of roadkill on the side of the smart home IoT road of failure.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 26, 2019, 06:30:25 pm
Iím in the opposite situation: a massive collection of morons trying to hold back a tide of even greater stupid before it crushes us flat.

I have been putting together an exit strategy. Next year it will be yet another piece of roadkill on the side of the smart home IoT road of failure.

Where are you going to go where the standard American zero-sum game bullshit doesn't turn everything into poop?

That's the fundamental flaw, of course.  We have been conditioned to accept that there have to be winners and losers.  The concept of "everyone having a life" involved a technical challenge that we are no longer prepared to face.

And that's deliberate, because there is no point in the winners being winners if there are no peasants to lord it over.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 26, 2019, 08:25:02 pm
Much though Iíd love to say I was escaping the shit, I am a realist and so my goal is only to pick a less horrible variety of shit. This shit is horrible, it could only get worse by being openly bigoted.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:05:39 pm
Norton:  "So, you're a pessimist."

Me:  "No.  No, I am not.  Because optimists AND pessimists have figured out how to be right AND be stupid at the same time."

Norton:  "How's that?"

Me:  "The optimist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears that the optimist is right.  But this is clearly not the best of all possible worlds, that's self-evident.  But it can also always get WORSE, so this is also not the worst of all possible worlds.  What it is, is a world full of half-bright primates that have more engineering skill than brains.  Looking around, that is undeniably a fatal mutation."

Norton:  "So you're a nihilist?"

Me:  "I don't even believe in nihilism."

Norton:  *laughs*

Me:  *straight face*

Norton:  "..."

Me:  *straight face*

Norton:  "So, what DO you believe in?"

Me:  "I believe that if we don't finish this PLC, we aren't taking lunch."

Norton:  "Oh, right."

Me:  "The eschaton waits on no man."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:31:27 pm
Doktor Howl's First Ironclad Rule of Accepting Venture Capital:

"Do not allow the investor signing authority on spending the capital that they have extended."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:42:25 pm
The Hickman Principle:  "During a start up or expansion, the sucker believes that the last man at the table wins.  Always eat first."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:44:54 pm
Howl's Second Law of Venture Capitalism:  "The depth of the pockets of your investors - not their actual investment - is inversely proportional to the amount of control the owner of the company retains."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:46:15 pm
These laws are based on my observation of the woobie that is buying our facility for the purpose of growing pot.  She is in way over her head, the sharks are circling, and she is just now beginning to look worried.  It's far too late for that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:48:41 pm
Howl's Third Law of Venture Capitalism:  If possible, always issue venture capitalists common stock, even if it means giving up votes.  Giving them preferred stock ensures that they eat first at the expense of everything else.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 27, 2019, 07:47:24 pm
These laws are based on my observation of the woobie that is buying our facility for the purpose of growing pot.  She is in way over her head, the sharks are circling, and she is just now beginning to look worried.  It's far too late for that.
Everybody wants to get in on the ground floor, but hardly anyone bothers to check the elevator inspection certificate.

Or the "recalibration-due-by" date on the gas pump, for that matter.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 07:52:43 pm
These laws are based on my observation of the woobie that is buying our facility for the purpose of growing pot.  She is in way over her head, the sharks are circling, and she is just now beginning to look worried.  It's far too late for that.
Everybody wants to get in on the ground floor, but hardly anyone bothers to check the elevator inspection certificate.

Or the "recalibration-due-by" date on the gas pump, for that matter.

Well, yeah.

But in this case, it is a sad case of someone who didn't educate herself enough to even understand the business model of her investors.

Step 1:  Invest in 10 companies.  9 will fail, one will cover your investments and deliver a profit, AND
Step 2:  Set all 10 up to be cannibalized, so that you shrink your exposure and maximize your profits on the one that DOES deliver.

Goal:  20+% profit over 24 months.

"These people are not your partners."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 08:27:18 pm
Today, at work:

Me:  "Norton, you can judge your clout by the angle of your monitor to your office door."

Norton:  "Okay..."

Me:  "It's absolutely true.  If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager."

Norton:  "I don't have a door."

Me:  "You're new."

Norton:  "I don't have an office."

Me:  "You're an engineer."

Norton:  "My desk is in a hallway."

Me:  "You're a new engineer."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 09:33:00 pm
(It bears mentioning that he's not an engineer.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on January 03, 2020, 10:17:54 pm
When he gets more clout he can go back to not being an engineer
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 11:08:45 pm
When he gets more clout he can go back to not being an engineer

Yes.  That will take a while.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 03, 2020, 11:25:28 pm
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on January 04, 2020, 08:29:52 am
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.

My job will compensate us up to $300 per year for "Fitness equipment" if we take the health assessment (blood test and questionaire(I lied about my mental health, tee hee)) and apparently "fitness equipment" includes an apple i-watch since it includes a heart-rate monitor, so it's basically a $300 fitbit, with internets.


My dumb ass bought a $400 home gym, and now I have to get rid of my couch to make room for it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 05, 2020, 07:42:32 pm
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.

My job will compensate us up to $300 per year for "Fitness equipment" if we take the health assessment (blood test and questionaire(I lied about my mental health, tee hee)) and apparently "fitness equipment" includes an apple i-watch since it includes a heart-rate monitor, so it's basically a $300 fitbit, with internets.


My dumb ass bought a $400 home gym, and now I have to get rid of my couch to make room for it.

Or you could just flip the home gym. With decent benefits like that, I'm guessing they'd pay for a membership somewhere?

Hey, where is Dok?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 06, 2020, 12:41:05 am
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.

My job will compensate us up to $300 per year for "Fitness equipment" if we take the health assessment (blood test and questionaire(I lied about my mental health, tee hee)) and apparently "fitness equipment" includes an apple i-watch since it includes a heart-rate monitor, so it's basically a $300 fitbit, with internets.


My dumb ass bought a $400 home gym, and now I have to get rid of my couch to make room for it.

Or you could just flip the home gym. With decent benefits like that, I'm guessing they'd pay for a membership somewhere?

Hey, where is Dok?

I've been binge-watching the entirely of Star Trek Discovery.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on January 06, 2020, 01:00:12 am
Thoughts?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 06, 2020, 01:11:55 am
Yes, is it OK?
I'm guessing it must be if you could binge watched it without doing this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTn2kSKA0b8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTn2kSKA0b8)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 06, 2020, 03:16:32 am
Thoughts?

The first 10 minutes of season 1, episode 1 were some of the worst dialogue I've ever seen.  Bear in mind, I have seen Lost in Translation when I say that.

THAT BEING SAID:  After that (so far, we watched eps 1-4 today), the rest of it is fucking awesome.  Granted, giant space tardigrade and mushroom-driven stardrives are kind of a stretch, but so is the basis of all the Star Treks, really.

The retcon on the Klingons was interesting.  My son was blowing the raspberry at that, until I pointed out what's happened to Western civilization in 3 years, and they had a hundred years to fuck it all up.

1,000,000 BONUS EMPEROR POINTS FOR HAVING A SHIP COVERED IN COFFINS.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on January 06, 2020, 03:31:52 am
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'd agree with all of that. There was nothing too egregiously bad in it (putting aside the first 10 minutes), and the bits that are are definitely no worse than any other Trek. Once the main outline of the season story becomes clearer, it gets noticeably better, too.

And I think you'll really dig season 2, once you get to it. No spoilers, but Anson Mount was pretty much perfect in his role.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 06, 2020, 03:53:11 am
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'd agree with all of that. There was nothing too egregiously bad in it (putting aside the first 10 minutes), and the bits that are are definitely no worse than any other Trek. Once the main outline of the season story becomes clearer, it gets noticeably better, too.

And I think you'll really dig season 2, once you get to it. No spoilers, but Anson Mount was pretty much perfect in his role.

I'm looking forward to it.  We finish season one tomorrow.

So far, it's already tied with Enterprise as my favorite Trek.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 14, 2020, 04:24:15 pm
Today, at work:

Norton:  "Why did we buy $1.1 Mn of something we don't actually have a product for yet?"

Me:  "Because the purchasing mob's key process indicators involve lowering cost per unit.  The less they pay for something, the bigger their bonus."

Norton:  "But this is something we don't need."

Me:  "That's not part of their KPI.  It's just cost per unit."

Norton:  "That's stupid."

Me:  "Not if you're sitting in their seat.  Now, if it were me setting this sort of thing up, I would insist that a person get KPIs that conflict with each other, which might force them to think things through, rather than KPIs that conflict with the company's interest."

Norton:  "Well, yeah."

Me:  "But it isn't me.  My job is to move fast and break things.  I think I have the better deal."

Norton:  "What are my KPIs?"

Me:  "Find better ways to build things that move fast and break things."

Norton:  "What are your KPIs?"

Me:  "I don't have any.  I don't even have to be revenue-neutral.  My job is to maintain the level of amorality that keeps the company as a whole profitable."

Norton:  "Doing well by doing whatever?"

Me:  "Spot on.  You know, in the movies, I would be the bad guy.  I would be the dumbass exec that can't see past the next ten minutes.  And then I'd be eaten by aliens."

Norton:  "That doesn't sound like a very good deal."

Me:  "Rubbish.  If you watch the movie, everyone gets eaten by aliens.  The difference is, before we all get eaten, I get better food and I dress much nicer than marines do."

Norton:  "That seems a little bit short-sighted."

Me:  "Here for a good time, Norton, not for a long time."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2020, 05:28:57 pm
Norton had his two girlfriends come by for a tour of the plant (the part that they're allowed to see) this morning.

So.

Norton is a chemistry grad student, who can apparently even dance well.  His two (2) girlfriends are also grad students, who seem to have been abducted from a Victoria's Secret photo shoot, who ALSO seem to have no trouble whatsoever with this whole poly thing.  And Norton is smart enough to realize that he isn't the dominant partner in the organization...That would be Laurie, who is made out of muscle and sheer charisma.  Renee is the tiny one, who smiles like she just cut you with a straight razor.

It occurs to me that I hate Norton.  All right-thinking people should hate Norton.  Not because of the poly thing, of course, but because he's doing it too well, and on TOP of all of this, Norton is one of those bastards that has never had a zit in his life. 

So if you're wondering where your share of the fun went, now you know.  You can hate Norton, too.

Just don't do it front of Renee, because she's terrifying.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2020, 10:56:22 pm
Sometimes, my job delivers on its promises.

We have a seemingly easy but actually VERY difficult technical problem to address, and it's something that nobody ever got around to doing before.

I'm so happy.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 21, 2020, 02:30:02 am
So if you're wondering where your share of the fun went, now you know.  You can hate Norton, too.
:argh!:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on January 22, 2020, 10:03:17 pm
I'm mad jealous of Norton, despite not being emotionally wired for polyamory. But at least he recognizes his place in the pecking order.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 02:44:06 am
I have never claimed to be a genius, or even particularly intelligent.

But this week, I just sort of SAW the solutions to a few problems that were stumping us.  It was like being able to see three moves ahead in chess.  In fact, the solutions were so obvious that I felt stupid for not seeing those solutions 5 months ago.

And then, to my surprise, over the last 3 days, I implemented those solutions...And they worked.

So, for like 72 hours, I think I understand how Oppenheimer must have felt, back in the day.

And one of the solutions was so BLOODY OBVIOUS that I can't believe nobody has seen it since the technology that made it possible was invented 37 years ago.

And now, after the paperwork slog is over, I'll have my name on a patent for something useful.

Then today, it struck me:  I have completed my bucket list.  That bucket list consisted of:

1.  Write a book. (2009)
2.  Invent something worthy of patenting. (Now)
3.  Jump out of a plane. (1987)
4.  Watch my children graduate. (2011 & 2014)
5.  Spend some time in Europe as a civilian. (2008-2011)

Now I have run out of the things.  And I have probably 45 years left, if my family history means anything.  So now I need a new list.  Something bigger than the old list, of course.  You don't downgrade your challenges when you level up.  So the list has to be grotesque.

This bears thinking about.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on January 23, 2020, 05:50:52 am

One of the things i've learnt, is that -you'll probably disagree, but bear with me- people are far more inteligent than we give them credit for. I'll give that people act like retards, or primitive man, but for the most part that's inertia and the path of least resistance.

But to the related thing to all that, which is my main point is that: people with the cognitive mental whatever tools to do great things, are held back by emotional short-circuits or whatever similar analogy/metaphor.

So I wonder if you've been at a better mental place when you achieved those things... focused drive without background emotional "static" interfering, having periods of a type of calm, happiness or idk?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 23, 2020, 12:59:28 pm
Some suggestions for your new bucket list, realistic or otherwise. Some are just natural extensions of your stated bucket list.

Start a political movement / religious cult, complete with articles of incorporation and all other documents in order necessary to be recognized as "real" legally and see it through until it gains influence and notoriety in the popular culture. Do not play for traditional power, but recognition only.

Jump out of a flying airplane into another flying airplane.

Establish communion with the Divine, you may need a God helmet, and punch it in the dick.

Invent something worthy of hiding from the rest of humanity at all cost.

Watch your children's children's children graduate.

Spend some time in North Korea as a civilian "consultant".

Send emails to 25 influential public figures that you sincerely admire in earnest attempt to establish rapport, but with your usual brutal honesty. Never fail to reply as long as they do.

Learn a new language and become a student of its native literature.

REDACTED
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 23, 2020, 01:07:36 pm
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: Iím sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 05:29:41 pm
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: Iím sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)

It will actually help drive lots of things.  Maybe even quality of life.  Maybe.  But it moves me closer to MY goal in the process.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 24, 2020, 01:25:11 am
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: Iím sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)

It will actually help drive lots of things.  Maybe even quality of life.  Maybe.  But it moves me closer to MY goal in the process.

I have hair.
I still want my recreational cannibalism, DAMNIT.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 24, 2020, 02:14:12 am
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: Iím sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)

It will actually help drive lots of things.  Maybe even quality of life.  Maybe.  But it moves me closer to MY goal in the process.

I have hair.
I still want my recreational cannibalism, DAMNIT.

You donít have hair, you have Morgellons.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 24, 2020, 11:51:21 pm
It's like coke bugs, then?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 25, 2020, 12:03:18 am
Except with hair, and no coke. Otherwise, basically yeah. :lulz: Itís a rabbit hole of crazy worth going down, all these people have lost the narrative of reality years ago and now conspiracy theories keep them from coming back.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 pm
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on January 29, 2020, 05:13:50 pm
The PLC is probably right, Maine is supposed to be lovely this time of year
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:15:47 pm
The PLC is probably right, Maine is supposed to be lovely this time of year

Maine is never lovely.

I am more concerned that Hirley0 may have been even more correct than I thought.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2020, 06:12:04 pm
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 06:15:38 pm
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 29, 2020, 07:48:50 pm
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0

You can only seek without finding Hirley0, or find Hirley0 without seeking. Which may mean Hirley0 is the essence of the Tao or some shit, IDK.

But on that note...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on January 29, 2020, 08:00:06 pm
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0

You can only seek without finding Hirley0, or find Hirley0 without seeking. Which may mean Hirley0 is the essence of the Tao or some shit, IDK.

But on that note...

The mystery was always staring us in the face. His name wasn't Hirley1 for a reason.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 29, 2020, 09:49:19 pm
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0

You can only seek without finding Hirley0, or find Hirley0 without seeking. Which may mean Hirley0 is the essence of the Tao or some shit, IDK.

But on that note...

The mystery was always staring us in the face. His name wasn't Hirley1 for a reason.

I just attempted to enter "hirley" into Google translate. It is not found among the languages of humanity, even as a proper noun. The translation language detector desperately insisted that it must be an English word after I tremblingly tapped enter, perhaps because it knows I speak English by my location, and yet it has absolutely no definition anywhere at all. It's a complete lack of definition merged with a "0". So I asked Google what sort of number 0 was.

Quote
   0 is a rational, whole, integer and real number. Some definitions include it as a natural number and some don't (starting at 1 instead).Jun 28, 2015 

Being whole, yet of no substance
Being rational, yet without self definition
Being an integer, yet nonexistent
Being real, and yet an expression of non-realness

Let us not argue about naturalness, it would be unseemly. Hirley0 is only defined by Hirley0.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 am
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.  I mean, you can, but the resulting number is not rational, real, or even complex or imaginary.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 30, 2020, 01:55:58 am
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.  I mean, you can, but the resulting number is not rational, real, or even complex or imaginary.

I have it on good authority that all you have to do is breathe properly and it all becomes much more tolerable, if not actually ok.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 12:58:23 pm
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 31, 2020, 01:30:26 pm
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.


You're just gonna go giving the secrets away, aren't you?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 01:39:38 pm
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.


You're just gonna go giving the secrets away, aren't you?

Blame L'hospital.  He already spilled the beans.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Pergamos on February 01, 2020, 11:50:40 am
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.

well yeah,  I went on to say you could...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 04, 2020, 02:23:42 am
Today:

Me:  "So I found out what the smell was that everyone was complaining about."

Norton:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "The drain over in the dip room went manky.  Some kind of weird algae.  Smelled like raver ass crack."

Norton:  "How do you know what  raver ass crack smells like?"

Me:  *stares for 2 seconds too long*

Norton:  "Um, right.  So what did you do about it?"

Me:  "A poured some phosphates down the drain."

Norton:  "Wait.  Back up.  You poured phosphates on algae?"

Me:  "Damn skippy."

Norton:  "That won't kill it, that will make it ten times worse!"

Me: "stares for 5 seconds too long*

Norton:  "You aren't what I was expecting when I applied."

Me:  "Life is full of tiny disappointments."

Norton:  "I was expecting science, not horror."

Me:  "Horror IS science.  And vice versa."

Norton:  "Is it wrong to have expected NORMAL science?"

Me:  "Marie Curie sewed through her own face with a radium-soaked thread.  Isaac Newton sold slaves.  Einstein liked to have sex dressed up as a baby."

Norton:  "You just made that last one up."

Me:  "You want I should prove it?"

Norton:  "No."

Me:  "This is SCIENCE, Norton.  Everything you look at is horrible, but you look anyway.  Because you gotta.  If you have the soul of a scientist, you have no choice.  You just GOTTA look at the pic of Einstein boner in a diaper."

Norton:  "JESUS H CHRIST, BOSS!"

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on February 04, 2020, 02:35:53 am
My favorite part of the Scientific Method is "if any doubt remains, proceed at full speed and see what's on the other side"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 04, 2020, 03:11:00 am
My favorite part of the Scientific Method is "if any doubt remains, proceed at full speed and see what's on the other side"

Damn right.

And no matter how fucked up the data looks, it's telling you the truth.  Even that part of the data.  ESPECIALLY that part of the data.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 11, 2020, 11:23:13 pm
10 brutal hours today, but we closed the deal.

I have successfully sold our weapons manufacturing plant to pot farming hippies.

I don't know whether to be proud or to throw myself into the Rillito river out of sheer self-disgust.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 05:53:25 pm
Norton:  "How did you ever get to be such a terrible person?"

Me:  "This level of moral failure isn't easy.  I was forced to start at the top and work my way down."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 06:58:18 pm
Me:  "So we have like three shell companies, who through various manipulations on paperwork own 49% of each other."

Norton:  "Why 49%."

Me:  "So that no company has controlling interest.  That's very important."

Norton:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "Yeah.  I buy parts from one company at 40% markup, that company pays tax on the income.  Then I sell to one of the other companies at a 10% loss, but at a volume that lets me take a nice tax cut that comes in at around 11%.  AND keeps competitors from joining the market.  It's all nice and legal, provided I accept no other contracts at a higher price."

Norton:  "Wait wait wait. Where does this money wind up?"

Me:  "De jure or de facto?"

Norton:  "Both."

Me:  "In the owner's pocket."

Norton:  "So we are selling for less than we paid, and turning a profit?"

Me:  "Yep.  It works out to about a 2% profit, but in transactions of this size, that's a LOT of cabbage."

Norton:  "This has to be illegal."

Me:  "Nope.  We're not publicly traded, so none of the SEC crap applies."

Norton:  "So he takes money out of one of his pockets and puts it in the other pocket, but there's 2% MORE?  Where does the actual profit COME from?"

Me:  "The United States Treasury, which is to say "us."

Norton:  "So the old man successfully robbed himself."

Me:  "And made out like a bandit."

Norton:  "This is a terrible place."

Me:  "In Asshat Ego, pleb."

 
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on February 12, 2020, 08:44:15 pm
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 10:04:03 pm
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on February 13, 2020, 12:43:46 am
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

It's hard to say in the context of capitalism, but perhaps because the paperwork would be too much of a hassle to turn a profit for them when they're making so much already?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 01:09:19 am
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

It's hard to say in the context of capitalism, but perhaps because the paperwork would be too much of a hassle to turn a profit for them when they're making so much already?

When money rolls in that fast, why take chances?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 08:15:51 pm
Norton:  "Why does the boss call you 'a fucking wizard'?"

Me:  "Because I can change reality just by doing unit conversions in Excel."

Norton:  "I'm going to need you to explain that."

Me:  "Easy.  You see that dude over there?"

Norton:  "Yeah."

Me:  "Okay, his group makes the company a profit of $800,000/year.  Sounds good, right?"

Norton:  "It's not bad."

Me:  "BUT that is $2191/day.  Now, this his part of the building costs me $0.54/square foot/day, and so that comes up to $2500/day.  So his group is running at a deficit.  Therefore he is bad for the company."

Norton:  "Do you count our square footage against us?"

Me:  "No."

Norton:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Nobody has ordered me to do so."

Norton:  "And what if they do?"

Me:  "I will simply find another variable that makes my group profitable.  They're out there.  Reality isn't important.  The way it is presented is important."

Norton:  "I fucking hate it here."

Me:  "So why do you stay?"

Norton:  "The girls say that this is good for me."

Me:  "Where do you come from, Norton?"

Norton:  "Nebraska."

Me:  Then this IS good for you, Norton."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 08:28:08 pm
Also today:

Norton:  "Have you guys ever tried being, you know, ethical and moral?"

Me:  "You can't do both at the same time."

Norton:  "That's ridiculous."

Dave:  "Norton, do you ever stop to think about what we DO here?"

Me:  "He's right.  When we do things that are good for the company, we hurt humanity.  When we act as responsible corporate officers, we are being ethical, but when we commit senseless and destructive acts of office politics and skullduggery, we are harming the company and thus being moral."

Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"

Dave:  "Nope."

Me:  "Mostly we just do whatever pops into our heads on any given day."

Norton:  "..."

Dave:  "Welcome to hell, kid."

Me:  "This is all normal."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 13, 2020, 09:12:46 pm
Just want to reiterate the phrase from fb
"Moral Power Bottom".

Something to aspire to for most, but I think you're setting the standard just by being you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on February 13, 2020, 09:54:07 pm
Did Norton not know what he was walking into? You can't work for a weapons manufacturer and be moral.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 09:59:06 pm
Did Norton not know what he was walking into? You can't work for a weapons manufacturer and be moral.

Well, yeah.  I mean, if it was world war two, working for a weapons manufacturer was a virtue.

Now we're working on ways to ensure that the victims of our policies can't even fight back.  It's even worse than it appears.  Say you get invaded by the USA, and you're not really wild about it.  So you and some like-minded individuals start talking about it.  In person, because your phone and your laptop are spies.

But there's another spy, about the size of a spider that crawled in and parked on the underside of a piece of furniture, live-streaming your conversations, imaging your face and body mass, etc.

Then one day, when they've learned all they can about your organization and you are of no further use as an intel source, a different kind of thing follows you home.  And that, as they say, is that.

There are no conditions that make this moral.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:01:07 pm
And you don't stop rocking.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 13, 2020, 10:26:49 pm
Shit they did everything but put tits on Santa.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:40:32 pm
Funny thing is, Norton started out with a sense of humor about all this stuff.

Then one day, he noticed he was the only one laughing.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 13, 2020, 10:41:39 pm
Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"
Norton seems to be suffering from a misconception.

Good and evil don't cancel each other out, they're independently cumulative.  If you "accidentally" spill a cup of salt into the soup, you can't take it out again, even by adding a cup of sugar.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:58:17 pm
Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"
Norton seems to be suffering from a misconception.

Good and evil don't cancel each other out, they're independently cumulative.  If you "accidentally" spill a cup of salt into the soup, you can't take it out again, even by adding a cup of sugar.

I think he thought WE thought that you could do that.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:59:02 pm
What's funny here is that you can trace my career arc in this thread from "we need to fix shit" to "how can we help the humans off themselves?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2020, 07:24:55 pm
So Norton asked me, today, what exactly was wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with me.  Something is wrong with EVERY OTHER BASTARD.  This is really simple.  We came up as a cooperative species who now cannot cooperate on anything because they've bought that ridiculous "rugged individualist" poison, as if you cannot be an individual *and* a member of society.  We went to the moon and then just stopped.  We set off nuclear devices inside of our own atmosphere.  We are good at nothing but engineering and all of our engineering is dictated by the most crass, horrible aspects of our limited monkey brains.

So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch. 

If humans can't act right, I guess we have to start all over again with something else...But while I know, as you know, that humans are arranging their own extinction quite handily, I prefer something that will speak to alien archaeologists.  It will specifically say "shit your pants, you bug-eyed freak".  I mean, it's not TOO much to ask that some of the work I have had a hand in might remain dormant but functional long enough for some up and coming pack of idiotically-optimistic aliens to come along.

They will say "Whatever happened to this proud and noble species of primate?  And did you hear something just now, back by the aft hatch?"

Yeah, just like in countless science fiction/horror films, where humans activate some ancient alien horror, only this will be REAL horror, because that sort of thing is what HUMANS are good at.  It's like leaving landmines in farm fields after a war ends.  We do that pretty good, too.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on February 15, 2020, 01:01:30 am
Did he get a little wild eyed?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 15, 2020, 01:47:58 am
Quote
So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch.

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

I know you're dead serious about this, but you have given me joy here.

If he tries to cite any of that in a social move against you you must of course deny any accurate recollection, you've had a case of the brain flukes after all(if it gets litigious you're LITERALLY telling the truth hete and can back it up with certified medical records if forced to allow limited release of your proprietary information, won't that be a pleasant surprise) and immediately accuse him by implication of trying to misportray your words. If asked to say what you think you may have meant from there the sky's the limit. It's the flukes that make you do it.

Remember the gluestick. This is like a magic gluestick.
I'm...
I'm almost
Afraid to tap
Post
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:12 am
Did he get a little wild eyed?

He seemed a little startled.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:48 am
Quote
So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch.

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

I know you're dead serious about this, but you have given me joy here.

If he tries to cite any of that in a social move against you you must of course deny any accurate recollection, you've had a case of the brain flukes after all(if it gets litigious you're LITERALLY telling the truth hete and can back it up with certified medical records if forced to allow limited release of your proprietary information, won't that be a pleasant surprise) and immediately accuse him by implication of trying to misportray your words. If asked to say what you think you may have meant from there the sky's the limit. It's the flukes that make you do it.

Remember the gluestick. This is like a magic gluestick.
I'm...
I'm almost
Afraid to tap
Post


At what point do you think my bosses would frown on that sort of insanity?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 15, 2020, 04:33:15 am
Did he get a little wild eyed?

He seemed a little startled.   :lol:
So, is Norton not going to make it?  It sounds like he's beginning to crack under the strain.

"No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 15, 2020, 04:55:50 am
Quote
So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch.

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

I know you're dead serious about this, but you have given me joy here.

If he tries to cite any of that in a social move against you you must of course deny any accurate recollection, you've had a case of the brain flukes after all(if it gets litigious you're LITERALLY telling the truth hete and can back it up with certified medical records if forced to allow limited release of your proprietary information, won't that be a pleasant surprise) and immediately accuse him by implication of trying to misportray your words. If asked to say what you think you may have meant from there the sky's the limit. It's the flukes that make you do it.

Remember the gluestick. This is like a magic gluestick.
I'm...
I'm almost
Afraid to tap
Post


At what point do you think my bosses would frown on that sort of insanity?  :lol:

I mean... call me a contingency kinda thinker  :)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 07:13:43 pm
Did he get a little wild eyed?

He seemed a little startled.   :lol:
So, is Norton not going to make it?  It sounds like he's beginning to crack under the strain.

"No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality."

Norton is going to be just fine.  I am a Doktor.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 18, 2020, 07:33:09 pm
Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "Of course my smile is unsettling.  That's because I'm not smiling, I'm GRINNING."

Dave:  "The next person to ask questions when I ask if there are questions gets to write a full-page vision statement about how questions are a non-performing strategy."

IT Bear:  "How come Hamish gets to dance in his office and nobody yells at him, but if I do it it's 'unprofessional'?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 27, 2020, 08:46:42 pm
Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "Covid19 is a kill-stealing son of a bitch."

Me:  "Can everyone please not die from the horrible virus until after May 1st?  We have some deadlines, here."

Norton:  "David's doing that thing in his office again.  We better order some drywall."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 27, 2020, 09:01:29 pm
Me (To Norton):  "Remember that Saturday is leap year day, and God can't see anything you do.  So have fun."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 27, 2020, 11:04:44 pm
My boss threw his desk today.

I am impressed.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:07:12 am
They posted these in the bathrooms at work today.

https://www.cdc.gov/healthywater/pdf/hygiene/keep-calm-wash-your-hands_8.5x11.pdf


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 am
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 am
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 01:44:15 pm
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 28, 2020, 04:51:58 pm
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Many managers lack foresight, unfortunately.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 05:19:49 pm
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Many managers lack foresight, unfortunately.

It's not even that.  It's petty authority.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 28, 2020, 05:26:04 pm
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Many managers lack foresight, unfortunately.

It's not even that.  It's petty authority.
Yeah. I should be grateful that petty tyrants tend to be... Predictable in lashing out and suppression of dissent. That predictability has helped me immensely in certain recent projects. It's very unpleasant to be subjected to though. I fucking refuse to be, but know when I have an advantage in seeming to.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on March 02, 2020, 07:46:33 pm
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Right? I mean that's just a small fraction of the production lost because of engineering screw ups, and where's the ROI on that?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:34:03 pm
Today I learned that a culture that can make 65" 4G monitors will use those monitors for morale by having messages on them that say things like: "We're never to [sic] busy for quality."

My morale is now measurably lower.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 02, 2020, 08:34:54 pm
That is glorious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:35:39 pm
That is glorious.

Everything is awful and I only want to die.   :sad:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 02, 2020, 08:37:40 pm
Itís a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:38:43 pm
Itís a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

I shall not suffer alone.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on March 02, 2020, 08:40:58 pm
Itís a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

I shall not suffer alone.

That's really all anyone can ask for in life.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 12, 2020, 10:48:31 pm
Norton:  "So, what, we move the lab where?  Casa fucking Grand?"

Me:  "No.  Somewhere local."

Norton:  *looks at me dubiously*

Me:  "Have I ever lied to you, Norton?"

Norton:  "Yes.  Very yes.  Like every fucking thing you've ever said to me since we met."

Me:  "People who cast aspersions on their elders come to bad ends."

Norton:  "You said you hired me as a chemist.  You hired to me to crunch numbers."

Me:  "Details."

Norton:  "You said I could have actual weekends."

Me:  "The marketplace is a strange and terrible place."

Norton:  "You said we were building a better world."

Me:  "We are, depending on whose definition of 'better' you use."

Norton:  "AND you said that David liked to be called 'Big Poppa'."

Me:  "He does.  He just has odd ways of returning your esteem."

Norton:  "The fucking POINT is, you always lie to me."

Me:  "No, Norton, that is an illusion caused by the fact that the truth is a mutable thing.  What is true today may not be true tomorrow.  What is true in my head may not be true in the sidereal universe."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "Did I say that last part out loud?"

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."

Norton:  "No it is not.  You are a fucking lunatic."

Me:  "But I am the lunatic that signs your overly-large paychecks, Norton.  That is how the system works and we..."

Norton:  "Don't fucking say it."

Me:  "We don't question the system."

Norton:  "This isn't how I expected my life to turn out."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on March 12, 2020, 11:38:32 pm
Will he ever learn?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 13, 2020, 02:28:41 pm
Will he ever learn?

Not if he knows what's good for him.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 14, 2020, 11:17:42 pm
This morning at the lab:

Now-beardless Brian:  "I thought we were shaving our beards off for the virus thing."

Norton:  "That was disinformation."

Brian:  "Hamish told me the CDC said it was a thing."

Norton & Hamish:  *stares in Norton & Hamish*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2020, 11:46:20 pm
Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "We are now in a race with the coronavirus, and I'll be damned if some virus is going to outpace modern weapons technology."

David:  "I would trade half of my management team for a cold pizza and a 30 minute break."

Norton:  "I feel like I fell into Wonderland, only the rabbit has fangs and the hatter is the only person talking sense."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2020, 05:16:39 pm
Norton: *answers skype*

Me: "WHEEZE COUGH FUCK YOU GASSSSP"

Norton: "Yes, it shipped on time."

Me: "HACK COUGH SPIT USELESS BASTARD HORK"

Norton: "You look great. Hang in there."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2020, 10:05:50 pm
Skype is really the best thing ever, especially when remote desktop is added to it.

I can, from my sickbed, suddenly just *show up* on my employees' screens, croaking out menacing nonsense while they try to pretend they weren't fucking off on social media.

I don't need them to do anything right now, it's just that, you know, you gotta have a laugh.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2020, 01:55:29 am
*Skype turns on*

James:  "You just scared the hell out of me, boss."

Me:  "James.  I want you to go to the lab and BUILD ME A BODY."

James:  "..."

*Skype turns off*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2020, 03:01:02 am
I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Suu on March 27, 2020, 04:17:28 am
I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?

AND NORTON IS DRIVING CAR.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on March 27, 2020, 06:58:19 am
You're steadily and apparently incidentally evolving into a classy, dangerously wise, supervillain. Maybe that Mayan shit about Earth passing into a higher vibration is real and we are all becoming EXACTLY what we really are inside.

*hits the glass dick harder*  :crackhead:

Maybe Howl is a fifth density, darkened wandering soul that slipped in past the planetary quarantine because he heard there was no effective oversight and hawt bitches of several genders.

*puts pipe down gently on table, exhales*

I gotta get more of this shit man.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2020, 02:51:06 pm
I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?

AND NORTON IS DRIVING CAR.

Well, I'm not driving.  I'm the boss.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 28, 2020, 03:06:25 am
Tucson just went full lockdown.

I am waiting for the nature of our work to exempt my team, but that will take a couple of days.  So vacation time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 08:38:28 pm
Today, at work

Norton:  "So we're essential people?"

Me:  "Some of us are."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 08:40:12 pm
Also today at work:

Norton:  "So if we're the important guys, how come we're working and the non-essential people are staying at home and still getting paid?"

Me:  "Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright, The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in MudvilleóBecause I am the mayor of Mudville and fuck you."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on March 31, 2020, 08:54:34 pm
Quote
how come we're working and the non-essential people are staying at home and still getting paid?

It sounds like Norton isn't down with capitalism.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 09:20:14 pm
Quote
how come we're working and the non-essential people are staying at home and still getting paid?

It sounds like Norton isn't down with capitalism.

Norton is entirely too down with Morrissey or some shit.

It's a fucking pandemic.  NO WHINING.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 09:28:25 pm
Apparently the phrase "sounding like a covid ward beat box" is rude or some shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on March 31, 2020, 09:33:08 pm
Only if it's not true.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2020, 05:41:33 am
In the effort to improve social distancing, we have replaced handshakes with rude gestures and a hearty "FUCK YOU" from down the hall.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on April 07, 2020, 05:48:25 am
In the effort to improve social distancing, we have replaced handshakes with rude gestures and a hearty "FUCK YOU" from down the hall.
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: Now that's a healthy response to a shit situation.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on April 07, 2020, 06:01:01 am
You should insist on communicating only by semaphore.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 07, 2020, 06:42:38 am
Semaphore and howling.

You can communicate intensity by volume, and mood by pitch. Plus you donít need to risk people walking into each other around corners if theyíre howling like dying animals the entire time they wander around.

If visitors arenít concerned about animal cruelty then it isnít loud enough.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on April 09, 2020, 03:40:45 am
Semaphore and howling.

You can communicate intensity by volume, and mood by pitch. Plus you donít need to risk people walking into each other around corners if theyíre howling like dying animals the entire time they wander around.

If visitors arenít concerned about animal cruelty then it isnít loud enough.

I support this concept. Prove you are fit to work via barbaric YALP.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 14, 2020, 02:26:00 pm
Sometimes the spam bots use keywords to find target forums: we just had one trying to peddle ISO90001, this thread has gotten us associated with tags like "engineering", "science" and "questionable ethics"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2020, 03:50:51 pm
Sometimes the spam bots use keywords to find target forums: we just had one trying to peddle ISO90001, this thread has gotten us associated with tags like "engineering", "science" and "questionable ethics"

I'm so proud.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 30, 2020, 12:12:22 am
Today:

Norton:  "I'm gonna go home today and my girlfriends are going to ask me what I did at work."

Me:  "Sounds healthy."

Norton:  "And I have to tell them that I was installing heating elements up the ass of a stuffed bison."

Kyle *walks in*:  Why didn't you just cut a hole in the side of the bison, shove the heater in, and then close it up?"

Norton:  "Because Hamish told me...Hamish, why did you tell me to wiggle it up it's ass instead?"

Me:  *stares horribly*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on April 30, 2020, 01:14:18 am
:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on April 30, 2020, 03:04:49 am
Kyle *walks in*:  Why didn't you just cut a hole in the side of the bison, shove the heater in, and then close it up?"
Yes, that's exactly what I would ask.  It's definitely more important than why we are trying to heat the bison from the inside to begin with.

...so, are we trying to teach the heat-seeking drone swarm to kill large ruminants, or not to kill them?

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 30, 2020, 06:05:44 am
Kyle *walks in*:  Why didn't you just cut a hole in the side of the bison, shove the heater in, and then close it up?"
Yes, that's exactly what I would ask.  It's definitely more important than why we are trying to heat the bison from the inside to begin with.

...so, are we trying to teach the heat-seeking drone swarm to kill large ruminants, or not to kill them?

Neither, at the moment.  We are attempting to get them to sort large ruminants.  By visual light, heat, shape, etc.

This is why I have now 4 truckloads of taxidermied critters, ranging from elk heads to entire bison and musk ox.

The fun bit starts shortly, but right now it's just sorting.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LuciferX on April 30, 2020, 11:00:06 pm
Iím kinda worried about their fluids, assuming you were training a net to identify things by heat signature. Hydration and specific heat capacity, how it relates to thermal radiation vs. whatever else they stuffed with. Itís been a frustrating day, or I wouldnít even.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 01, 2020, 09:43:20 pm
Today epitomized the very idea of epic failure.   :lulz:

More later.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 03:32:43 am
Scene:  3 guys with laptops mashed into a F150 pickup cab, before dawn.

Me:  "Okay, they're not heading toward *any* of the animals."

Norton:  "Um."

Me:  "What is 'um'?  CONFESSION TIME."

Norton:  "I think I put 101.7 centigrade instead of farenheit.  Because Baby Engineer was mixing his units of measure again."

Kyle:  "So, aside from our engine block, what out here is 215 farenheit?  Because the bison sure as fuck isn't."

Me:  "Also confession time:  Three of those are armed."

Norton:  "WHY?"

Me:  "I was bored."

Kyle:  "ALSO confession time.  I forgot to set the 'electronic fence'."

WHACK WHACK WHACK *steam from radiator*

Norton:  "Fuck.  We're still alive."

Me:  "That's a bit of a disappointment, even with the itty bitty payload."

Kyle:  "I feel as if I've wasted my time, if that's all that happened."

Norton:  "What the hell is WRONG with you guys?"

Me:  "The unexploded bison is what's wrong with me, Norton."

Norton:  "I want to go home now."

Me:  "Not until you load up that bison.  BUT WAIT.  The truck doesn't work anymore."

Kyle:  "It's only 5 miles."

Me:  "With Norton dragging a bison."

Norton:  "Or I could just call Laura to come get us in her truck."

*Kyle and Hamish staring*

Norton:  "What?"

Kyle:  "Space truckin' ain't what it used to be."

Me:  "This is all normal, Kyle."




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on May 02, 2020, 08:31:23 am
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 09:27:31 pm
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on May 03, 2020, 02:13:36 am
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.

Yeah, that thing you're working on is orders of magnitude more sophisticated than the thing I gave up on after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

The SimpleCV project I was working on was a smartphone testing robot made from salvaged parts from an old scanner and a printer. Mechanically it worked well enough, but the CV part was unstable. I would give it a sample image to find in the webcam image, and it either couldn't find it, or would find it, but it also found several more instances of that image that were not in any way there. After some tweaking, I could get it to just find the one that was there, I'd move on to the next step, and by the time I had that code ready to test, the last thing had stopped working again for some reason. Only thing I could think of that could be causing that was the webcam driver trying too hard to make the image visually pleasing to human eyes, adjusting color balance, focus, contrast... all that jazz.

It could dial the fuck outa that phone, tho. DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 06, 2020, 09:59:27 am
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.

Yeah, that thing you're working on is orders of magnitude more sophisticated than the thing I gave up on after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

The SimpleCV project I was working on was a smartphone testing robot made from salvaged parts from an old scanner and a printer. Mechanically it worked well enough, but the CV part was unstable. I would give it a sample image to find in the webcam image, and it either couldn't find it, or would find it, but it also found several more instances of that image that were not in any way there. After some tweaking, I could get it to just find the one that was there, I'd move on to the next step, and by the time I had that code ready to test, the last thing had stopped working again for some reason. Only thing I could think of that could be causing that was the webcam driver trying too hard to make the image visually pleasing to human eyes, adjusting color balance, focus, contrast... all that jazz.

It could dial the fuck outa that phone, tho. DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!

With open CV for that we used K-Means Clustering to track the object in the shot and would need a few reads to come back positive and a learning system for person detection. We had an advantage though, we were tracking firefighters through burning buildings so they were all dressed in very similar gear making the learning easier. There are some standard libs now for person detection using things like proportions of the body as criteria and face detection but I haven't tried those. That was a fun project.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 10:37:18 am
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on May 06, 2020, 12:56:27 pm
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.

until an enemy manages to emulate, hijack, or suppress the beacon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 01:24:45 pm
At least it couldn't be tricked with a dino suit.
(https://images.halloweencostumes.com/blog/962/12ad840f8f96e508a4e2bc5d654a18b5.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 01:36:35 pm
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.

until an enemy manages to emulate, hijack, or suppress the beacon.

Then you do a switcheroo and shoot everything with the beacon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on May 06, 2020, 07:46:45 pm
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.

Yeah, that thing you're working on is orders of magnitude more sophisticated than the thing I gave up on after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

The SimpleCV project I was working on was a smartphone testing robot made from salvaged parts from an old scanner and a printer. Mechanically it worked well enough, but the CV part was unstable. I would give it a sample image to find in the webcam image, and it either couldn't find it, or would find it, but it also found several more instances of that image that were not in any way there. After some tweaking, I could get it to just find the one that was there, I'd move on to the next step, and by the time I had that code ready to test, the last thing had stopped working again for some reason. Only thing I could think of that could be causing that was the webcam driver trying too hard to make the image visually pleasing to human eyes, adjusting color balance, focus, contrast... all that jazz.

It could dial the fuck outa that phone, tho. DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!

With open CV for that we used K-Means Clustering to track the object in the shot and would need a few reads to come back positive and a learning system for person detection. We had an advantage though, we were tracking firefighters through burning buildings so they were all dressed in very similar gear making the learning easier. There are some standard libs now for person detection using things like proportions of the body as criteria and face detection but I haven't tried those. That was a fun project.

SimpleCV did have built-in face detection, which worked pretty well. I used a face that I cut out of a magazine to track the position of the robot finger on the phone tester robot. Also, I guess I could build a face shooting robot. That might be nice to have.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 06, 2020, 09:55:26 pm
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.

Only without the "my soldiers" bit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2020, 12:16:10 am
Today I spent the day in the carbon cave.  Among other things, I blasted the entire discography of NWA, as I have never listened to all of it before.

They had some really interesting and important things to say, but then I realized they weren't talking to *me*.

I want to talk to the manager of Compton.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2020, 12:20:25 am
At work today:  "Why is there a chem light on my lunchbox?"

Kyle:  *stares*

Me:  "Do I look like the kind of person that would put chem light juice in my mouth or something?"

Kyle:  *stares at me*

Me:  *stares at chemlight*

*10 minutes later, Norton walks in*

Norton:  "Why is Hamish's mouth glowing?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on May 21, 2020, 05:13:43 pm
Today I spent the day in the carbon cave.  Among other things, I blasted the entire discography of NWA, as I have never listened to all of it before.

They had some really interesting and important things to say, but then I realized they weren't talking to *me*.

I want to talk to the manager of Compton.

I've been blasting motown and allowing longer breaks for enthusiasm and participation. Half a dozen ex squaddies screaming "baby love" is a thing of beauty.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 01, 2020, 08:37:07 pm
In the conference room:

David:  "...and that's why we need someone up to speed to be a liaison with this 'space force' whatever.  So who's it gonna be?"

Me: "Who here knows how to fly?"

*everyone except Norton raises their hands*

Norton:  "Wat"

Me:  "Go forth bravely, young liaison."