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Topics - Doktor Howl

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Apple Talk / Things I have learned in the last 6 months
« on: June 16, 2019, 05:37:42 am »
1.  Don't put anything in your ear that's smaller than your elbow.
2.  A nation doesn't go bad in two years.  It was already rotten, it's just that you could ignore it because it wasn't happening to you.
3.  You can't go back.  Thomas Wolfe was a dumbfuck, but he got that right.
4.  A bacon sandwich is worth any number of coworkers.
5.  Simply Red AND the Moody Blues together are still not as good as Deep Purple.
6.  All humans should get on the bus.  WeeOOOWeeOOO.  Like right fucking now.  Fuck it, just go stand by the stairs.
7.  American Science & Surplus sells a de-weaponized bazooka.  I don't even know where to start with that shit.
8.  No matter how much you loathe people, they won't believe you really loathe them, because they are special.
9.  You apparently cannot kill humans just by loathing them.
10.  You can normalize anything, no matter how grotesque and orange it is.

Apple Talk / Hey Vex
« on: June 10, 2019, 05:16:38 pm »
You want to let folks know the Mitch Royce account has also been permanently killed?

Apple Talk / Survival Rules for 2029 CE
« on: May 19, 2019, 02:07:49 am »
1.  If my Antarctic expedition finds frozen bodies of an alien species, I will leave them where the fuck they are.  And I will leave.  And I will never tell nobody, nor will I leave a cryptic diary laying around.

2.  I will not join any research effort that involves being in a deep sea habitat.

3.  I will never, under any circumstances, investigate a derelict ship/spaceship of any kind.  I will blow it up and tell nobody.

4.  If my team reports that they have located an anomaly on the moon, I will tell the press they are crazy and arrange fatal accidents for everyone involved.

5.  If the engines involve shifting universes to bypass physics, I will have the researchers responsible shot and the records burned.

6.  Aliens are not on my side.  They're *aliens*.  Why does this have to be explained?  WTF is wrong with people?

7.  When agents from <acronym> arrive to look at the site, I will have them shot from ambush and blame it on the libertarians.

8.  When my old colleague shows up on my door after twenty years, babbling about some horror, I will call the police and have him beaten and removed.

9.  If the AI becomes self aware, I am throwing kitchen magnets on the housing until it shuts the hell up.  Also, air gaps.

10.  Why the fuck am I on a space station and there are no vacc suits?  Who the hell ordered this?

Apple Talk / Star Trek 40 Ounce on repeat
« on: April 12, 2019, 03:29:20 pm »
Some of these were movie rants I bastardized, some were original.  I am writing them until the Star Trek watch party page gets back to Star Trek and stops playing Goddamn Cowboy Bebop.


Okay. Hereís the deal.

Iím not here to waste your time. I hope youíre not here to waste mine.

So Iím gonna keep this short.

If you become an member of this crew, you will kill your first cardassian within three days.

Okay? I repeat that:

You will kill your first cardassian within 3 days of your first day on Deep Space 9.

There is no question whether or not youíll become a soldier here.

The only question is how many times you'll do it.

You think Iím joking?
I am not joking.

I am blob security chief. Itís a weird thing to hear, right?

Iíll tell ya. Itís a weird thing to say.

I am a fucking blob security chief.

And guess how old I am? Two thousand years old.

You know what that makes me here?
A fuckiní blob.

This base is entirely comprised of people your age, not mine.

Lucky for me, Iím very fucking good at my job, or Iíd be out of one.

You guys are the new blood. Youíre gonna go home with the Cardassian pelts.

You are the future big swinging dicks of this base.

Now, you all look battle hungry, and thatís good.

Anybody tells you violence is the root of all evil doesnít fuckiní know about Kevin.

They say violence can't make you feel better? Look at the fuckiní smile on my face.

Ear to ear, baby. You want details? Fine.

My backpack's got jets.

Whatís up? I have ridiculous quarters in the center.

I have every weapon you could imagine, and best of all, kidsÖ

I am liquid. I am a blob.

So, now you know whatís possible. Let me tell you whatís required.

You are required to work your fucking ass off on this base.

We want winners here, not pikers. A piker walks at the bell.

A piker asks how much vacation you get in the first year. Vacation?

People come and work at this base for one reason: to kill Cardassians.

Weíre not here to make friends. Weíre not saviní the Federation, guys.

You want vacation time?
Go teach third grade, public school.

Okay. The first three months at the base are as a trainee.

You make a tenth of a bar of pressed lantinum a week.

After youíre done training, you take the shuttle out.

Pass that, you become junior gunnery and you open comms for your team leader.

You kill 5 Cardassians, you start workiní for yourself. Skyís the limit.

Word about being a trainee.

Friends, parents, other security team members, theyíre gonna give you shit.

Itís true. Less than a bar of pressed latinum a week? Not a lot of money.

Pay them no mind.

You need to learn this business, and this is the time to do it.

Once you pass the test, none of thatís gonna matter.

Your friends are shit.

Tell them you killed 20 Cardassians last month, they wonít fucking believe you.

Fuck them! Fuck íem!

Parents donít like the life you lead?
ďFuck you, Mom and Dad.Ē

See how it feels when youíre bombing their colony.

Now, go home and think about it.
Think about whether itís really for you.

If you decide it isnítÖ Itís nothing to be embarrassed about.

Itís not for everyone.

But if you really want thisÖ

you call me on Monday and weíll talk.

Just donít waste my fuckiní time.

Okay. Thatís it.

Well, you know, I have to admit that I appreciate your directness, Chakotay, and I will try to be as direct and honest with you as I possibly can be. I think-no, I am positive-that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time weíve been together you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, youíre morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. Youíre not even interesting enough to make me sick."
- Captain Janeway, balls-deep in a bottle of scotch

RPG Ghetto / Rappan Athuk 2019
« on: April 12, 2019, 02:56:28 am »
Okay, it's time for Rappan Athuk again, as there are not nearly enough PC corpses choking up the harbor.  Running two groups, Saturday and Sunday, in the Lost Lands campaign area (Rappan Athuk, Slumbering City of Tsar, and Tomb of Abysthor). 

Medium track, 25 point buy (5 extra points because "Rappan Athuk"), 6 players per group.  One group will be doing tomb of Abysthor and then Tsar, the other group will be doing Rappan Athuk (Classic entrance) after a short lead-in arc.  Write ups will be posted here.

For the Rappan Athuk group, we have
1.  Paladin
2.  Wizard (going into rogue and then arcane trickster)
3.  Cleric (going into Holy Vindicator at 9th level)
4.  Ranger (trap archetype)
5.  Bard  :lulz: 
6.  Samurai

I have not gotten the info back from the other group, which will not actually start for a couple of weeks after the RA group starts.

Bear in mind that this campaign area has an 85% mortality rate. 

Aneristic Illusions / UNLIMITED 2020 THREAD
« on: March 01, 2019, 08:53:02 pm »
It's time.


Stop screaming, you're upsetting the goldfish.

Kicking off this horrorshow, Bernie Sanders misses an excellent chance to shut his big fat spoiler face:

High Weirdness / MOVED: Oh, Florida...
« on: February 22, 2019, 08:37:45 pm »

Apple Talk / A Little Truth in These Disturbing Times
« on: January 23, 2019, 05:54:27 pm »
So, you think you're pretty clever, there, with your futures contracts with HIMEOBS.  You got a put on LMNO's mustache and a margin account in your pants, and the gains are permanent, get in before you are priced out forever, right?  And sure, you only have to put up $2000 to get in on the mustache on margin, and you'll sell the wad before it comes due. 

That's how it's supposed to work, if you listen to a certain crowd.  You know the crowd.  Fake mustaches, pipes, vaguely-Cramulan business notions?  But what they AREN'T telling you is that they have leverage in their pants, and that leverage is about to be YOU.  Hoops, for example will teach you more about a BULL market than you really wanted to know, LMNO is Caa at best, and Queen Gogira has stagflation droppin' outta every orifice and she will slap you in your junk bonds, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

Apple Talk / Richter Spotting
« on: January 21, 2019, 01:14:32 am »

Apple Talk / Ray Sawyer died.
« on: January 01, 2019, 02:06:11 am »

Apple Talk / Attn, Vex & Gogira
« on: December 30, 2018, 08:40:23 am »
You want to let folks know I caught a 3 day ban for referring to Trump as The White Trash Hitler? 

I don't suggest you quote that.  :lulz:

Apple Talk / The Last Time We Ever Saw Them
« on: December 29, 2018, 09:02:35 pm »
Everyone had finally had enough.  Things had gotten just plain silly, and people started losing their shit. 

LMNO decided that Trump was only a symptom of the will of the people.  Then he realized that was only a symptom, because who gave Man free will?  The last time we saw him, he was banging on the Pearly Gates, telling God to come out and explain himself...With a half a dozen archangels on the ground around him and the 7th, Michael, staggering away with a fat lip.  Unfortunately, The Mgt chose to get involved in that point, to "hold the side up," before God noticed the ruckus.  This is how we got the other other grand canyon, and LMNO was never seen again.

Queen Gogira found the main nest of proudboys, and crawled in with a baseball bat and locked the door behind her.  There were disturbing noises and howls of pain, but the door never opened again.

Apple Talk / I am in mourning for an old friend.
« on: December 22, 2018, 02:58:23 am »
The very last thing The Jeep did was protect my wife and youngest kid.

Pour a little out for my homie.  :cry::cry::cry:

Pictures tomorrow.  I am in deep mourning right now.

Apple Talk / More Tucson
« on: December 03, 2018, 04:00:48 am »

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