Random Acts of Kindness

[Doktor Howl]

I've been the lucky recipient of many acts of unsolicited kindness this month; including pictures of diseased lungs on billboards to force me to stop smoking, Christians reminding me that Jesus was beat to a bloody heap on my behalf to remind me that if I don't become his zombie slave I will fry in hell forever, vegetarians reminding me that if I am cruel to the noble chicken I will make the baby Buddha cry, dozens of kind strangers calling me on the telephone around dinnertime to help me with my carpet cleaning/home mortgage/charitable contribution needs and hundreds of good-hearted souls who emailed me to help me get an erection which lasts 70 hours.

I am filled with warmth and if I am filled with any more warmth I will start shooting people.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

[Doktor Howl]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

I do.  Then everyone yells at me and shit.   

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

I do.  Then everyone yells at me and shit.   

Doesn't that mean they *really* needed your kindness and maybe need some more?

[Doktor Howl]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

I do.  Then everyone yells at me and shit.   

Doesn't that mean they *really* needed your kindness and maybe need some more?

Very yes.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

I do.  Then everyone yells at me and shit.   

Doesn't that mean they *really* needed your kindness and maybe need some more?

Very yes.

Truly you are a kind soul, sir, to cater to those in need in such a way.

[Doktor Howl]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

I do.  Then everyone yells at me and shit.   

Doesn't that mean they *really* needed your kindness and maybe need some more?

Very yes.

Truly you are a kind soul, sir, to cater to those in need in such a way.

Well, it's really enlightened self-interest.  I scream at them.

shut up
Shut Up
SHUT UP
SHUT UP!

They never listen, of course, but I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Kindness should be repaid with kindness.

I do.  Then everyone yells at me and shit.   

Doesn't that mean they *really* needed your kindness and maybe need some more?

Very yes.

Truly you are a kind soul, sir, to cater to those in need in such a way.

Well, it's really enlightened self-interest.  I scream at them.

shut up
Shut Up
SHUT UP
SHUT UP!

They never listen, of course, but I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it for me.

Actions speak louder than words! Shotguns loaded with rocksalt and an airhorn, for starters.

[Luna]

The Do Not Call Registry helped cut down on the phone calls.  (Along with, for the first month or so, "this number is on the National DNCR, may I have your full name, your company's name, and your supervisor's full name, phone number, and mailing address, please?")

Switching to a cell phone handled the stragglers.

For the rest...  Kill and eat them, I suppose...  should make the vegetarians happy, since you're not eating helpless animals...

[Golden Applesauce]

I've been getting unsolicited texts from some website offering to help me catch my SO cheating by tracking their phone.

I need to root my phone and install some kind of text-message whitelist plugin.

[Richter]

I am getting out of my deathbed on account of the renewed possibility of a good swordfight, and a website offering my apartheid era-crowd control tools for $11 apiece. 

I believe I will sample this Christian concept of passing out free samples.