Dear PD: Quit Your Lies About Tucson. We Love It Here.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'll have you know that Tucson is a FINE city, and that we most certainly do NOT feed old people to coyotes.  Javalinas, maybe, but only in self-defense.  Our police are NOT corrupt, they're just a little ethically-challenged, and only on those weekday nights that never end.  Even then, it's just mumping some coffee and donuts or maybe the occasional needle of H.

So stop saying that shit.

I mean, it's not like I live in Seguin, where the cops don't arrest the dealers because they ARE the dealers, and Bubba and Jethro tell "spic jokes" right in front of the Hispanic bartender (And I hope she serves them beer plus), and you find horrible things in the urinal, and the only lefty in town runs a coffee shop, like you'd expect from a token Texas liberal.

And it's not Providence, which seems to flood once every couple of years, for reasons that are best left unspoken.  And everyone runs around hollering Ia Ia Cthulu Fhtagn.  I mean, I know you aren't happy about stepping in the fhtagn, and I imagine that if you step in a pile of Cthulu's fhtagn you'd know it, but seriously, shut up and scrape your shoe off.  If your foot is still on the end of your leg.

It's certainly not Portland, neck-deep in 40 year old man-child hipsters.  Well, we DO have those, but they are safely quarantined in the University district, though they have Legal District privileges on Second Saturday.  I worry that Portland may reach tallbike critical mass one of these days, and Telarus and Nigel will wake up in Tacoma.  Horrible, horrible.

No, this is Tucson, and we are happy with it.  It's not perfect, but it's ours, and we know its little ways, and have adjusted accordingly.  We're not crying.  That's just dust in our eyes.  And that "howling of the damned" is actually just coyotes rutting.  And those aren't ancient Nazi officials sitting around the outdoor cafes, those are just historical reenactors.  So stop saying THAT shit, too. 

Yours truly,
The Good Reverend Roger.

[LMNO]

They way you tell it, Forever sounds appealing.  I'm suspicious.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

They way you tell it, Forever sounds appealing.  I'm suspicious.

COME TO TUCSON AND LIVE FOREVER.  We're all HAPPY.  That's why we GRIN all day.  With our TEETH.

Best part is, if you DO get killed here, you just go to The Undertaker to be recycled.  His breath stinks and he tells puns that would sicken RWHN, but it's over before you know it, and you're HAPPY again.

HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Our very happiest people are our cops and paramedics.  They're so happy they vibrate and give off a little eeeeeeeeee noise all day.  They smoke a lot, but I hear that's an occupational hazard everywhere.  They don't drink much, mostly because they keep spilling their drinks all over themselves, and this is NO town to be flammable in.  No.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I should also mention that our ER personnel are also very, very happy.  You can tell by their grins.  Sure, it may look like a rictus, but their faces just do that on account of wearing a gas mask all day. 

In addition, we are the very model of entrepenuerial spirit.  Everyone's on the make, and we don't let the revenuers bother us.  We buy on the black market, on account of it's CHEAPER, and we don't have to deal with people like Bayer.  We don't test our products on 3rd world children, we test them on OURSELVES, and that's why we walk that way.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

No, no, no.  It's supposed to be an ACCUPUNCTURE CLINIC and coffee shop.

SEGUIN:  HIPPYING WRONG.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

No, no, no.  It's supposed to be an ACCUPUNCTURE CLINIC and coffee shop.

SEGUIN:  HIPPYING WRONG.

Acupuncture?

"HELLO POLICE? AH NEED YEW TO CHECK OUT THET HIPPIE CLINIC BY THA PAWN SHOP. AH HEERED THEY'S DOIN SUMPIN WIF NEEDLES."

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

No, no, no.  It's supposed to be an ACCUPUNCTURE CLINIC and coffee shop.

SEGUIN:  HIPPYING WRONG.

Acupuncture?

"HELLO POLICE? AH NEED YEW TO CHECK OUT THET HIPPIE CLINIC BY THA PAWN SHOP. AH HEERED THEY'S DOIN SUMPIN WIF NEEDLES."

No answer, the police are all out selling their "crops".

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

No, no, no.  It's supposed to be an ACCUPUNCTURE CLINIC and coffee shop.

SEGUIN:  HIPPYING WRONG.

Acupuncture?

"HELLO POLICE? AH NEED YEW TO CHECK OUT THET HIPPIE CLINIC BY THA PAWN SHOP. AH HEERED THEY'S DOIN SUMPIN WIF NEEDLES."

No answer, the police are all out selling their "crops".

To be fair, when my neighbors apartment got shot into, it only took them 45 minutes to send some rookies to a house on the next block.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

No, no, no.  It's supposed to be an ACCUPUNCTURE CLINIC and coffee shop.

SEGUIN:  HIPPYING WRONG.

Acupuncture?

"HELLO POLICE? AH NEED YEW TO CHECK OUT THET HIPPIE CLINIC BY THA PAWN SHOP. AH HEERED THEY'S DOIN SUMPIN WIF NEEDLES."

No answer, the police are all out selling their "crops".

To be fair, when my neighbors apartment got shot into, it only took them 45 minutes to send some rookies to a house on the next block.

If *I* was a cop in Seguin, I'd do the same thing.  I'd show up at an appropriate time.  Say, the next week or so.

Are YOU willing to get shot for that dump?  No?  Neither are they.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

In Chelsea (which is some part of London, I gather), they KILL you for calling them for help.

Seriously.  Some kid called them because a guest in his house was getting violent.  The cops show up, the jackass is already gone, so they hauled the kid out front and maced him to death.

That shit would NEVER happen in Tucson.  We use bullets, like a respectable community ought to do.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

The coffee shop is now closed at the downtown location we went to. The guy moved it to his chiropractic clinic by the pawn shop.

At least the sign says they sell coffee there.

No, no, no.  It's supposed to be an ACCUPUNCTURE CLINIC and coffee shop.

SEGUIN:  HIPPYING WRONG.

Acupuncture?

"HELLO POLICE? AH NEED YEW TO CHECK OUT THET HIPPIE CLINIC BY THA PAWN SHOP. AH HEERED THEY'S DOIN SUMPIN WIF NEEDLES."

No answer, the police are all out selling their "crops".

To be fair, when my neighbors apartment got shot into, it only took them 45 minutes to send some rookies to a house on the next block.

If *I* was a cop in Seguin, I'd do the same thing.  I'd show up at an appropriate time.  Say, the next week or so.

Are YOU willing to get shot for that dump?  No?  Neither are they.

True, they had no way of knowing for SURE it was a drive-by. Just because everybody who called said it was...