Assorted Advice Personals (Dear Abbey from Hell)

[Bharlion]

These are the rest of the advice columnists I had. Sadly they like the others didn't go over as well as I had hoped.

Ask Richard the Pirate

   Dear Richard the Pirate
   I have joint custody of my children with my ex-wife. Recently she has been filling their heads with nasty lies about myself and their stepmother. They are very young and impressionable and all visits between the kids now are awkward and I find them often whispering and staring at me strangely. Should I get a lawyer again or is there a good way to tell my wife to be civil.
   Divorce Donnie

   Dear Divorce Donnie
   Yar! Yee be a lily livered land-lubber! Take your young-uns back and show that troublesome sea hag what-for! Slandering the captain and spreading mutiny could get a man hanged back in my day. Just make sure to bury the precious plundered booty afterwards! Mark the map with an X and seal it inside of an old leather bound book. Keep an eye out for the storm and send a man into the crow's-nest. Har-har-har! However, keep watch that you do not kill an albatross! Bad luck, almost as bad as taking a wench to sea! Yar!

   Dear Richard the Pirate
   My girlfriend and I recently went out on a couples night and it led to some awkward moments between us and old friends. They are always all over each other and it makes us feel kind of sick when we are there trying to have a decent conversation. It is nice that they are so into each other but is there a way I can tell them to keep the public displays of affection down without sounding like a prude?
   Annoyed Andy

   Dear Annoyed Andy
   Argh! I love the smell of sea brine on a maiden's breath. Almost as much as I love the sea. No woman can tame me, nay. For my heart belongs to the sea. Their hearts belong to each other, do not try to tame them. For it is like trying to tame the sea. Yee will only end up in Davy Jone's Locker. Their public knavery be nary that of a sea worthy person. Ditch them to the ocean and make them walk the plank. Yar-be-dar! The sharks will take them and feed their restless bellies.

   Dear Richard the Pirate
   I recently was caught driving under the influence and my life has been torn apart. My kids look at me like I am a monster. My wife has to drive me to work like I am teenager. The people in my congregation look and laugh at me like I am an alcoholic. I am trying to get the message out to my community to not drink and drive but people just call me a hypocrite. Is there a way I can spread my message so that other people call cab and don't end up like me? Nobody listens to me!
   Deaf-Ears Dwayne

   Dear Deaf-Ears Dwayne
   There is only one way to get attention in this situation. Raise the Jolly Roger and board the other ship! Take action! Shoot cannons off and ignite the powder room with a torch. The explosion will destroy their ship and they won't be able to ever pass onward where your secret hide out is. Yar! Don't forget the grappling hooks can double as weapons in a pinch! Argh! Just watch out for flying body parts. They hurt really good.


Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.

Ask Mister Smiley Sunshine

   Dear Mister Smiley Sunshine
   I have recently discovered my teenage sons collection of pornography. I feel it is filthy and should delete the humungous file but my husband says it is better than having him knocking up some random girl and its perfectly normal to have pornography at his age. I am just worried about it leading to something else. What should I do!
   Troubled Teresa

   Dear Troubled Teresa
   Well doesn't that sound like a pickle! I think you better pull your brows down and wear a smile because being all worry wobbly won't win your trouble away! You just got to sing! Compose a song or draw some pictures showing why you believe pornography isn't healthy for him, then have your husband show him using pictures and a song why pornography is perfectly normal! Then everyone will get along fine! Golly what a HOT FUSS! If that doesn't seem to help you can do what I do when I get down! Drop some high-powered blotter acid. Make everything perfectly clear. Like this one time, when I saw a fish appear in a top hat and coat and explain to me the intricacies of the universe.

   Dear Mister Smiley Sunshine
   I have been having trouble with my weight for sometime but I just can't seem to keep it under control. My family just says I am weak and have no will power but I feel they aren't understanding me. I have no support and they don't care if I am miserable or not. I am exhausted and what can I do to show them I really want to change.
   Breathless Bob

   Dear Breathless Bob
   Sounds like someone has been having too many snack times! You had better just go out and frolic in the fields more with Mister Meyow-Meyow. Don't worry to much what they seem to think you can have lots of support when the sun comes out and starts to sing too you. If all else fails then you can always just embrace it and go to their houses in the middle of the night, eat all their food and then leave before they wake up. That would make them care faster than wearing a pink hunter vest saying 'help me.' If they STILL don't get it if you do that little stint, just do what I do when my family gets me down. Drop a sheet of brown acid into the punch at the next family gathering and watch the poor saps claw their eyes out from paranoid self destructive insanity.

   Dear Mister Smiley Sunshine
   I wrote in awhile ago about a troubled relationship with me and my best friends boyfriend. The columnist 'Brugnahk the Devourer of Flesh' suggested I devour him. I took this figuratively and now have cheated with him several times. I feel terrible but he says he loves me so much more than her. I am having second thoughts. What have I done?! Is there anything I can do too correct this mistake?
   Sweet Nothing
 
   Dear Sweet Nothing
   Uh-oh! Someone made a big booboo! Shucks howdy looks like you are out of luck! And how! Mister Meyow-Meyow and I are very disappointed you would cheat with your best friends boyfriend. Bad girl! VERY BAD GIRL! So you had best come clean see your best friend with both you and her boyfriend and explain what happened with a song and dance! That always lightens the mood. And if that doesn't work you can always just do some acid or have an orgy. Or both! I always enjoyed that back in the 60's.

Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.

Ask Gerald the Cherub

   Dear Gerald the Cherub
   My fiancé always forgets valentines day and my birthday. It drives me up the wall and I try to do things to remind him with out being to blatant but he never seems to catch on. I think these days are really special and want him to realize that it means a lot to me if he would remember these things. What should I do, I love him but he is driving me crazy.
   Forgotten Fiancé

   Dear Forgotten Fiancé
   You know what I am sick of? People like you. That is right, you! You are always complaining about him not remembering some stupid manufactured day to sell cards and chocolate. You know what? Here's a hint to get you through this obviously stressful time in your love life. IT DOESN'T MATTER! I don't know why I shot you two with that arrow in the first place. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A ONCE NIGHT STAND! You people make me sick! He even slept with your sister. That's right! Be you didn't know that one! Try being me for a day. I help you people out and all you can do is whine about being so confused. It is love so enjoy it while it lasts you weirdo.

   Dear Gerald the Cherub
   I have been seeing a guy off and on for a few weeks. One of my friends told me he is interested in seeing me exclusively but I don't know why he would feel that way. I thought it was just some fun and I don't feel that way for him. Was I giving off the wrong signals? What do I do if he asks me out exclusively? Is there any way to end this as friends when he obviously feels something for me?
   Muddled Maria

   Dear Muddled Maria
   You know what? You are sick. You are the reason I hate my job. I stuck him with an arrow for a reason. And look what you do! What? Just a little cuddling, necking, kissing, hugging, and you wonder what the signals were? Are you crazy on acid? What is wrong with you? Is it so blatantly obvious that you can't figure it out? You know what? You brought this on yourself. You figure it out! Okay? You are the one messing with his heart. You can dig your way out of your little hole. Why do all the people I put together  come back and haunt me! What is wrong with you people? Huh? Just be happy, have your little snotlings and then die in your shallow graves! You make me sick! Pandas that are becoming extinct from not breeding are easier to understand than your simian simpletons.

   Dear Gerald the Cherub
   I have been feeling really alone. I have never had a girlfriend and though I try and try but they just don't like me? Is it me? Is it women? What can I do so I won't  be alone anymore? I just want to be with someone finally. I have listened to my friends advice but I don't want to change myself for people to like me, I want them to like me for who I am.
   Lonely Larry

   Dear Lonely Larry
   You know what? Try being me. I am about two feet tall, I have stubble, smell like cigarette smoke and bourbon. I look like a baby version of the Unabomber with a five o'clock shadow. Maybe follow your friends advice, being yourself is severely overrated. Maybe try going out instead of sitting around the house complaining to your friends about how lonely you are. So you know what? I have had enough! I stuck plenty of girls with arrows for you and what do you do? You just find some reason not to go out with them. What they don't compare the women on your computer? Get out there! Develop your social skills through trial and error. I am so sick of you people! You know what? The only thing worse than you people is that time when I had to spend an afternoon with Victor the Reaper because he lost his keys and needed me to drive him to the hospital for an Ebola outbreak.

Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.

[Bharlion]

Ask Gatwick the Cockney Gent

   Dear Gatwick the Cockney Gent
   I have been having second thoughts about asking my fiancé to marry me. I do love her but recently I have been seeing a completely different person in her. She is wasteful, superficial and a spendthrift. I want my girl back and how can I wake her up from this weird trance? Or should I just end this before I get into some real quicksand.
   Snap-outta-it Sam

   Dear Snap-outta-it Sam
Gawdon Bennet! Yaaahr problem is yew'aven't been there fer'er. If yew were really in'en'on marryin'er, yew would know exactly what is goin'on inside ov'er  skull-box. Seriously if yew fink she is gunna be yer dangermouse it is time to get down to brass tacks. If yew think yew are in barney rubble right now. Tryin' bein' married to a bitter trouble n'strife fer ten donkey's ears then come complainin'. Actually don't because yew brought i'on yaaahrself yew barmy daffy duck. .  OK?

   Dear Gatwick the Cockney Gent
   My husband has been having an affair online and I don't want to confront him about it. I want to make things work for our children but it is so hard when I read the chat log and see his is telling someother women he has never met that he loves her and that I don't understand him. What can I do to get his attention off of this virtual homewrecked and back to his family that loves him.
   Desperate Dina

   Dear Desperate Dina
Gawdon! When was da last time yew an' all 'ad some liberty X? It takes an' all, go fruff everythin' what yew are doin' an' go fruff everythin' what'e'as been doin'an'yew should-probably find aaaht what da problem is. A relashunship isn't  50/50 its mawer like 250/250 ter make fings good. If things don't then don't stick together fer da children. That makes things worse. If'is eyes'n'attenshun is somewhere else then let da elephant and castle follow. Reminds me ov my farfer. Left me muvver fer a forty-four swinging door wiv dysen'ery. .  Right?

   Dear Gatwick the Cockney Gent
   I haven't been feeling myself lately. I recently have been considering moving out of the town my family has lived in for generations. I don't want to just grow up, have kids and then die. I want to go out and live! They don't seem to understand me. Should I just leave with out a word or tell them I am doing this because I want a better life.
   Jet Plane Jerry

Dear Jet Plane Jerry
Awright geeezzaa! If da place makes yew miserable then you 'ave best just bugger off. Its not worf i' ter rot in a Boris da Bold dead end town.  Rarfer van insultin' 'em I would say i'is be'er ter leave in da middle ov da  night an' not say a thing. Be'er off what way, nobody get insulted an' there won't be none barney rubble. Wantin' a be'er life doesn't make yew a Joe Rook. Sorted mate.

Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.


   Dear Grim Reaper,
   My friend betrayed me in the worst way I could imagine. She lied to me and stole my heart and then stomped over it. She knew how to hurt me and did it. I absolutely detest her and her boyfriend now and feel a gut writhing hate whenever I see her. Should I just let this go somehow? Am I obsessing over nothing? What should I do?
  Helter Skelter Stan

   Dear Shot through the heart Stan
   It really doesn't matter, nothing really does. She is going to die in five years from a brain aneurism after a night of drinking so don't let it get to you. As for her boyfriend, he is going to spend the next 15 years mourning something he shouldn't. As for you, your going to get impaled on a road sign in 2036 so I would just learn to get over it. Life is too short for hate. Negative emotions just make life generally unpleasant not that it needs to be worse. I was depressed once, after the black death. The middle ages were no fun at all. I just went from town to town. It was so depressing, all those people dressed all in black. Mourning, day and night. Sorry that was a pun among us stiff's.

   Dear Grim Reaper
   I recently attended a party where the guest of honor was none other but myself. I was surprised at this and really didn't know how to react to it all. Regardless people were put off by my extreme ignorance of the occasion and I have been announced as the social dunce amongst my social groups. How can I fix this? Help!
   Help! Henry

   Dear Help! Henry
   I don't really see what your complaining about. Not attending parties with them is actually good for you. You will outlive them but die of lung cancer anyways. That is what you get for smoking so much at the parties. Regardless they will die in a natural gas explosion during their barbeque next week so I wouldn't be too upset about the whole ordeal. Think of it like. That life is a game and the point is not to die. Which you will eventually. Everyone loses the game of life. Most will be forgotten in a few generations and fade away from all memory. What does it matter if nobody remembers you? I had a chess match with Old Man Time, he asked me what would be worse, to be forgotten completely or remembered with hatred? I really had no idea what to say.

   Dear Grim Reaper
   My roommate has been very stand offish lately. I finally confronted her and it turns out it was because she thought I was sleeping with her boyfriend. I don't know how she came to this conclusion but I need to reassure her we are not sleeping together. What can I do to regain her trust?
   Sexy Sadie

   Dear Sexy Sadie
   You know what? I don't know why I even bother anymore. I am sick and tired of this. Do you know how many places I have to be at once? Infinite. I have to kill flora, fauna, bacteria, people, aliens, alternate realities and all of that. I hate it. I need a vacation. I don't want to have to kill puppies and kittens anymore. I so bored with my job. Does anyone want my job? It is not that bad. Please. Anyone? Give me a call. I mean even if you just need to talk about stuff. I am really lonely. Nobody likes to hang out with me let alone look me in the eye. Its really hard for me to make friends. I have MSN if you want to send me an email about chocolate peanut butter cups. I really like eating those. Oh what is the point. I don't need you, I don't need anyone. I need a hug.
   
Do you have a dilemma or problem for the Meliorist advice column? Write to f.editor@themeliorist.com with all your queries and questions that need answering.

Dear Advice, I have a feeling my boyfriend is cheating on me despite that he swears up and down that he is 'Just friends' with a girl who had answered his cell-phone on numerous occasion when I call him late at night. Am I just paranoid or am I being set up to be hurt. Paranoid Penny
   Dear Paranoid. In my day a woman stuck by her man no matter what. No more though, I am alone. Left me for the milkman. You best hang on before you are past your prime, old withered away and nobody will visit you. Not even on father's day. Nobody, never. So alone. So alone. So very alone. Throw him out and find a better man, in my day we had to duel to have a woman's hand in marriage. Now whippersnappers today are running around with each other like mad march hares. I wish I was young, like you. Then I would be out dancing the jitterbug! Now go away and leave me to my empty and horrible life.
   Dear Advice, my children are out of control. I want to be their friend and not use spanking like my parents did but they don't listen to anyone! I am at my wits end, what can I do to get respect from my out of control kids! Stressed Susan
   Dear Stressed, In my day you could command your kids with your eyes. But now they don't respect me, they just think I am old and useless. An artifact meant to be forgotten. Kids today don't respect their elders anyhow, why would they respect their parents. In my day when a little brat got out of line we would thrash him to sleep with a belt. So don't talk to me about discipline, my pappy beat me thrice daily and I turned out fine. No I don't have nobody though, children don't visit me unless they hear I am close to death in the hospital. So go take your whining somewhere else. I don't even know my grandchildren's names. You think you are the worst off in the world? You think you got it tough, try having cholera! Ha! That would teach you. Damn kids.
   To write to the advice column send your troubles to f.editor@themeliorist.com look forward to next week when we have a very special guest to answer your troubles and quandaries.

[Bharlion]

Dear Advice, My teenaged daughter has been acting strangely of late. Dressing in dark colors, wearing dark make-up and keeping to herself more than usual. Her friends are the creepy type and they all seem to dress and act alike. Is this just a phase she is going through?  Should I intervene and not allow her to go out with her new friends anymore. Gothic Greg
   Dear Gothic, I'll tell you what be wrong with this child, It be possessed it be! You must drive the wicked spirits out with fire! Fire purifies! Purification through pain! Brand the wicked one with hot burning irons, lest it will take over your mind. Then when she confesses of the sin of heresy we shall burn her on the stake! Or what say you? The spider? Nay! Its too good for her type, we must burn down the entire household and salt the earth while we are at it. You probably have bad blood in you too. Hereditary witchery! Don't worry about intervening I'll get some men about and we will do it for you. You just stay where you are. We will get you, we will get every last bloody one of you.
   Dear Advice, my serious girlfriend and I have been dating for sometime now and have been through all the ups and downs. I don't think I am ready to get married yet but it seems to be on her mind a lot and has been the topic of a lot of heresy. It has been two years am I obligated to pop the question or should I wait until I feel ready and risk losing her? Stasis Stan
   Dear Stasis, you have been with a girl for two years and she not be your wife? What is wrong with you? Some strange godless country you must hail from. My wife? We were married the day after we met, and in two years she bore me two children may she rest in peace. Now she is gone. You had best marry her and get some heirs before the Vikings take her away, like they did my Marie. She was out getting a pail of water and then I heard a scream and those bearskin wearing barbarians had her slung over their shoulder heading for a boat. I hate Vikings. Now I have a mute son and a cripple with not enough mules to trade for another bride. And you are writing to me about your problems, half my family died from that plague! Enough to drive a sod barmy.
   To write to the advice column send your troubles to f.editor@themeliorist.com look forward to next week when we have a very special guest to answer your troubles and quandaries.