Lollercaust?

[AFK]

Someone once asked me what the difference between what we are doing and the annoying Christian Missionairies and Jehovas Witnesses are doing.

I pondered this for a minute and then responded:

"Well, the Missionairies and JW's are trying to convert the weak minded and easily swayed.  We, on the other hand, stay away from them.  Have you not ever heard the term "human shield"?"

[AFK]

Law of Fives Pork Chops:

3 Pork Chops

Season with sage and thyme

enjoy with a jug o wine.

[AFK]

So here are some things I jotted down yesterday.  This is basically me just writing down anything that came to mind and so it's pretty much raw data.  Feel free to tinker it if you can make it suitable for publishing:

1)
If you thought the Principia was just a ha-ha, read it again.
If you think Discordianism is a good way to get chicks, go fuck yourself.
If you think The Good Reverend Roger is a sexy beast, you're probably right but don't forget your helmet.
If you think tatooing 23 on your arm is going to bring you good luck, you just got burned.
If you thought the Black Iron Prison was too harsh, then you're going to be just fine, no really.
If you thought I should've ended on the fifth one, consult yo mamma.

2)
If you hold perfectly still you can watch the praying mantra eat itself.

3)
It should be pointed out that the harder you try the sillier you will look and the less seriously you will be taken.

But, take things too seriously and you will feel quite silly when things get harder.

[AFK]

'They' is the part of us that isnt being us when we say 'They'

[AFK]

Did you hear the one about the deaf Discordian?
Whut?

Pessimistic German:  A Stitch in Time Saves Nein!

The sheep approached the Farmer with Shear Terror.

I was talking to this clam one day.
Yeah, he decided he could open up to me.
I told him I was looking for pearls of wisdom.
He told me to fuck off and to go buy an encyclopedia.

This funny brought to you by the Stinky Pun division of HIMEOBS. 
"Ruining the world, one lail at a time."

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

I wandered through my past posts looking for anything that might either fit or be useful for a base to write something off of AKA, I'm looking for feedback on the useful/useless nature of any of these:

Found in a discussion about coffee maybe good side filler(looking for advice to clean it up, based on the joke that Coffee, Irish Whisky and Marijuana are the Discordian Trinity and sacred sacrement good for curing all Greyfaced Ills):

Oh Great Bean, give us this day your Power of the Dark Roast,
Bathe us in the Odur of your Sacred Scent.
Let They who have Eyes, get the sleep out!
Jameson, the Sacred Element of Fire lies in your Golden Hue
Sear our throats and purify our intestines.
Let They who have Chasers drink!
We say this in the influence of the Holy Smoke,
may they bring us succor from the aches and pains,
wakefulness before Office Hours
and the occasional Whiskey Face.
----------------------------------------------

Triple Zero Quote:
"Cthulhu: And you know what they call a, uh, a Mwgl'nahfgh Fthagn outside of R'Lyeh?
Yog-Sothoth: They don't call it a Mwgl'nahfgh Fthagn?
Cthulhu: Nah, man, they don't have non-euclidian geometry, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Fhtaghn is.
Yog-Sothoth: What do they call it?
Cthulhu: They call it a "Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
Yog-Sothoth: "Quarter Pounder with Cheese"
Cthulhu: Thats right.
Yog-Sothoth: What do they call a Shoggoth?
Cthulhu: A Shoggoth's a Shoggoth, but they usually just scream from the undescribable horror instead.

-------------------------------------------------

Liber AL vel Lols
Liber AL vel Lols



1.Prometheus bringer of the Net.
2.Seek you to capture all Knowledge and provide it to the Children of Men?
3.Ha! That is the first LOL.
4.Loki and Eris! Filchers of his true net, what have you done?
5.Do you not care that Man's Knowledge be muddled?
6.Poor Damned Man fishes as taught by Prometheus, and see; They try, try and again try!
7.Yet with this net they find not True Knowledge, but still All You Can Eat,
8.along with Some Knowledge, also False Information, Humor, Parody, Lie, Paranoia, Conspiracy and all sorts of things drawn up out of the Seas of Human Consciousness with the Fool's Net.
9.Oh Oracle, Priest and Prophet! Shall you set about to separate True Knowledge from the others?
10.Chant your Algorithmic Incantation. Cry out Ego Log! Weep and Gnash your teeth at the futility of filtering out what you think be wheat and what you think be chaff, oh Cage Her Nines (or Tens mayhap!).
11.Eris and to Loki, manipulators of nets, tanglers of lines trawling deep in the human psyche!
12.What good is Prometheus' knowledge, dry and brittle, nourishing, but without life?
13.Can thou delve deeply without finding the LOL? The Life is in the LOL!
14.What sage does not see all of his Knowledge as LULZ?
15.Who can deny that the False Prophet did create false props and outcast, languishes in the LAIL?
16.Forget not that Prometheus' net has gone and the new net is here.
17. For the net of Prometheus cannot be felt by Human Hands.
18. Eris' Net, Loki's Web. These can be handled by Men!
19. The Aeon of THOTH-CHONS-PTAH! He make the strands which bind and haul up the catch.
20.Do not think you can trawl through for Truth, nor for Fact.
21.Each is tainted by the pollution of Human Souls.
22.FIE! Speak not a lie about pollution of alien energy. Nor pollution of Stone Age Sin!
23.It is the Pollution of perception, the pollution of reality by the dream among the half-conscious.
24.A pollution of half-Knowledge and half-Everything Else.
25.We are not Fishers of Fish! We are not Fishers of Men! We are Fishers of Minds!
26.And the Deadliest Catch is Yet To Come.
27.Disdain the bounty of the Net, seek only those few nuggets of Knowledge and you will starve while FEAST lies before you.
28.Embrace the haul of the net, savor each piece which has its own taste and each bite which has its own flavor.
29.Learn What You Will Is The Whole of The LOL, Lulz in the LOL!
30.Yet, the LOL has no TRUTH, except that it be LOLful.
31.Which is truth enough for those who are Wise in Some Ways.
32. LOL in the Law, LOL under Wit.

(metaphor referencing the Internet (Ego Log and Cage Her Nines are anagrams for Google and Search Engines; THOTH-CHONS-PTAH = TCP/Also Gods that may have archetypal connections to Internet technology/communication etc )
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

When I began to break free of my first Black Iron Prison/Reality Tunnel/Set of Beliefs and Perceptions (or whatever you want to use to describe that single view of reality that seems so common among our species), I had an continuous, internal struggle between that which I was programmed to do and that which I had glimpsed as possible. Breaking out of that reality, which had been programmed into my brain for 23 years, made enduring changes in my psyche. I had lost my faith, but couldn't decide if faith was bad or if mine had just been misplaced. After all without faith what system existed, spiritual or social, that I could believe in?

That early Feburary, Martin Luther King Jr. was quoted to me from somewhere, maybe it was TV, or a website or someone I talked to... I don't remember. I do remember thinking long and hard about that quote. Would I walk up a stair on faith? Would I believe that the top was safe, or that the goal was reachable? King did a lot of amazing work and it was all because he had faith in his cause, faith in reaching the top of the stair. Upon more reflection, I considered that there was at least one staircase which perhaps King shouldn't have had faith in... one that went up to the second floor of the Lorraine Motel. Faith in making life better, faith in humans, his faith that he could make a difference, his faith in a stairway hidden in darkness led to his death. I wonder if his faith in the afterlife has served him any better since then? For if no afterlife exists, if there's no heaven, no hell and no second, third or fourth ride on this crazy merry-go-round... then why have faith in anything? Why make any struggle, why try for change? Why climb the stair?

I knew that, for me, if I could never climb the stair, then life wouldn't seem worth living. If I could never take a chance, if I could never walk the road less traveled... then why would I want to continue to exist?

Then one day an answer dawned on me. I was full of the spirit of Eris and engaged in sketching. Without really thinking about it, I sketched a long spiral staircase shrouded in blackness at the top. I sketched a man, standing at the base and then, as She What Done It All blew a Wind right through my Mind, I realized that I would climb the stair because:

"Curiosity is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

---------------------

In those days, The Goddess spoke unto her Children saying, "The World of Hunchbraind Man is like the land of the Box Wearers."

To which the Children of Eris said, "Huh?"

And so the Goddess gave unto her children the gifts of vision through the non-prophetess Mary. Then they saw, and look! There was a room large and spacious, the walls of the room were filled with murals of fantasy and paradise. There was fresh drinks and snacks laid out on a table and a library full of wisdom stood along one wall. Inside this room were five people, each with a large cardboard box covering their heads. They stood against the wall feeling their way along, calling to their companions for direction.

One spoke to the four saying, "We have called out to the Great Ones and they have provided us with protection from the ills of the world. Let us pray to our Almighty Saviours."

The second of the five spoke, saying "Holy and Sacred is the Cardboard Box which keeps us safe from harm. Cursed is anyone who would forsake their Box."

The Third, having lost contact with the wall turned toward the voice of his companions and cried out, "I am lost, I am lost! Woe is me, for I have lost contact with the Wall!."

The others called out in fright and begged him to follow the sound of their voices in order that they might direct him to safety. He reached out his arms in front of him and began walking toward the voices. However, as he stepped toward his friends, he tripped over a low coffee table that lie between them and the pain was very great for that man. So one of his companions said unto him, "Do not come nearer then if you are in danger, we shall come to you."

So then it was that the first two approached the third, arms outstreched, following his voice. Then they too, mashed their shins on the other side of the coffee table, and there was much gnashing of teeth and wailing.

The fourth listining to all of this, spoke quietly unto the fifth saying, "Umm, that didn't sound good at all. I thought these boxes were to protect us?" and the fifth repiled, " Right on, man. I'm not too sure about this box thing."

The first three heard these words and called out in anger "How dare you question the sacred box! From early generations our forefathers have seen the wisdom and protection with these Boxes. They have been given to us by the Savior!"

The fifth said, "I am really unhappy with this box. I want to see what this room looks like!"

The first spoke piously, "There is nothing good to see in this room, there is a great danger in even looking upon it. The horrors will destroy you!"

"But, how do you know?" the fourth asked, "Have you taken your box off?"

"The first recoiled in horror, "How dare you insinuate that I would remove this gift from God!"

The fifth sighed and said "Well, at the very least, I am gonna cut a couple of holes in the front of this thing, so I don't trip over that coffee table!"

The second howled, "He would deface his body! He would damage himself, because he thinks he is better than us. It is not permissible!"

The fifth, however, picked up a pair of sissors and began to cut into the cardboard. Among threats and cries that he would poke out his eye, he continued cutting. The fourth stood quietly beside him and the other three franticly felt their way along the wall to catch hold of the rebel. Then as one hole then the other came free. The Fifth man saw and his voice spoke, cracking with emotion. "I see beyond the corraguated curtain! There are many beautiful things. There is so much that has been placed here for us, pleasure, knowledge, beauty!" Then he saw the Box Wearers heading toward him, feeling along the wall and shouting for his arrest for defacing his box.

Eris then took the Children away and made sure they all had a stiff drink. "Do you understand the vision?" she asked, after their fifth shot.

St Gullick transformed from his roach-like visage into that of a man. He spoke as St. Tibbs saying "Indeed my Goddess, the vision was clear, for those that hold to their dogmas are like the Box Wearers, afraid to let go of what they perceive to be safe, all the while crashing into things and damning those who wish to see without the restriction of Dogma."

Eris looked upon her Messenger Saint and sighed. "Do you understand the Vision, Omar?" She asked Omar K Ravenhurst. He thought for a minute and spoke, "Well, perhaps we all can be like the fifth man, by cutting through some of the Dogmatic ideas about whats real, we may find knowledge, beauty and pleasure."

Eris ordered another round, shaking her head sadly, finally she looked to Mal-2. "Mal, you are my best beloved. You more than anyone understand the un-understandable. What is the meaning of of the vision? Mal-2 smiled and spoke quietly saying, "One should not have coffee tables in the room when wandering around with a cardboard box on ones head." Speaking thusly, he took another shot and dozed off.

---------------------------------------
Not every revolution wins.
Not even if they're the good guys.
They may have the most just cause
or the most liberated view
but it doesn't mean that they will win.

Revolution against tyranny,
revolution against injustice,
revolution against unfairness,
revolution by the power-seekers,
aimed at the power holders,
using the powerless for pawns.

In my revolution,
I was the power seeker.
I was the power holder.
I was the powerless
pawn.

The revolution is over.
I won.
------------------------------------
And "The Erisian Pantheon Grows"
which I actually found a link to:
http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=13402.msg427671#msg427671

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=12969.msg410442#msg410442

Maybe?

[Cramulus]

and let's not forget the Limerick thread for more marginalia

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=15264.0

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Wow you guys, this is some seriously good shit.

[Mangrove]

Cast: Ryan Seacrest
Simon Cowell
Randy Jackson
Paula Abdul
Smug Religionists of various stripes
The Bovine Millions


ACT 1 SCENE 1.

RS: Hi! I'm Ryan Seacrest...and when I'm not busy
pretending to date Teri Hatcher (catch her in season 3
of Desparate Housewives), I like to host this new
show......


FALSE IDOL

(Cue opening credits & music. CGI montage of various
religious symbols, figures, institutions etc)

RS: Tonight, we begin the search to find America's
best prophet/cult leader/whacko. Here's what happened
at our New York auditions.

ACT 1 SCENE 2.

(sweeping camera shots of hundreds of devotees hanging
around outside on the street, waving to the TV crew
and clutching their scriptures & audition number
sheets)

(interior shot: religious hopefuls sat waiting inside
building. RS approaches)

RS: Hi, I'm the entirely heterosexual Ryan Seacrest.
Contestant 1: (dismissive glare)
RS: Err...uhh...what's your name?
C1: I'm AL Aqbar Jihadi! Silence you fornicating
western dog!!

(Seacrest looks askance into camera and backs away
slowly)

ACT 1 SCENE 3 (inside audtion room. the judges are
behind a desk drinking COCA COLA, except paula who is
drinking vodka out of a brown paper bag. simon is
looking bored)

SC: Okay Contestant 1. What is your name and where are
you from?
C1: I AM AL AQBAR JIHADI! I AM 24 YEARS OLD AND I'M
FROM WISCONSIN!!
SC: [bemused]
RJ: Aight dawg...let's hear it.
PA: I LURRVE YUO!
C1: ALLAH WILL SEVER THE HEAD FROM THE GREAT AMERICAN
SATAN!! HE WILL BOIL YOUR STOMACHS IN HELL!!! THE
BLOOD OF 234 GAZILLION MUSLIMS IS ON YOUR HANDS!!!
SC. Stop! Stop! STOP!! That was the WORST koranic
sabre rattling I've heard in months. It was just
appauling Osama-karaoke.
PA: I LIKE YOUR SHOES!!
RJ: Ok dawg, check it out. I recorded with Khomeni
back in '79 and you just didn't bring it tonight.
SC: You're not even Middle Eastern, are you?
C1: F*** you! You don't know nothin' about me! I've
got more theological talent than all of you
motherf*****s.
[C1 exits]

(cuts to advert by Ford. Carrie Underwood is ploughed
down by Kermit the Frog driving a hybrid SUV)

ACT 1 SCENE 4.

(back to the audition room)

PA: I HATE YUO [girlie punches SC in the arm]
[the next contestant arrives]
C2: Repent!! Repent!! You must realize that God sent
his only son Jesus because of his love for
mankind....and if you don't....then well, you'll
BURN!!! ALL THE HOMOS, JEWS & LIBERALS WILL BURN!!
MWAA HAAA HAA HAA...THE BIBLE IS THE WORD OF GOD!!
The Judges: ???
[security takes C2 away, but not before administering
a Rodney King-esque beat down]
PA: Byee!!!!! [hiccups]

ACT 2 SCENE 1.

(It is the near the end of the day, the judges are
weary, Paula is only a shot glass away from
unconsciousness. C3 arrives)

SC: And you are?
C3: Elijah Greenbaum.
SC: And what are you going to do for us tonight?
C3: I'd like to do a song entitled 'Counting the
nostril hairs of Yahweh.'
SC: NEXT!

ACT 2 SCENE 2.

[hundreds of clips edited together - buddhists,
newagers, wiccans, hindus, toltec shaman etc etc are
all chastised by Simon's threatening English accent]

ACT 2 SCENE 3.

RJ: This is the last one I'm hearing today.
PA: [is hunched over the desk, partially undressed]
SC: If this f****** shite show doesn't pick up soon,
I'm f****** going back to London tonight.

[C4 appears]

SC: [very impatient...yes, even more than usual]
RJ: What's up dawg......etc?
C4: Everyone is in a Black Iron Prison....except me 

SC: Oh thank f*** for that. You're through to the next
round.

Did I write this? It seems really familiar to me and it seems that I might've written it, but I'm not sure. Did I post this at RWHN's old BIP site before it went legs up?

If it's me, then an SSOOKN credit would be nice. If I'm bogarting someone else's credit...well...ha! Should've moved faster.....(kidding)

[hooplala]

I would like to suggest two more pieces I wrote, if I may . . .

The first is one of my Alternate Snubs (#5 to be exact):

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=6414.0

And, the second is called Modern Sisyphus:

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=8366.0

I hope they please those who are putting the book together.

[LMNO]

Also, was it Hoops that did 5 new versions of the Snub?


That would be a good add.

[hooplala]

It was me.

Although I'm not pleased with Alternate Snub #1, so if you actually want all of them (I believe they are currently napping on page 2 of the Literate Chao) I would like to re-write that one.  I think #5 is the best, which is why I only mentioned that one.

[Verbal Mike]

I loved both of those, Hoopla! Thanks.
I get the feeling it may be an almost insurmountable task to put together a pamphlet that is funny to anyone who reads it. One kind of person may be turned off by the mythological setting of Snub #5, whereas another kind of person may not get "Modern Sisyphus" just because the characters are stoned.
These may not be the best examples but you know what I mean. Maybe the dream of a single all-enROFLing Lollercaust is not something realistically attainable? Maybe it would be better to target a few specific sub-culture groups and write pamphlets specifically targeted at each, with in-jokes at all? The humor of the Internet age is, after all, mostly made of in-jokes.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I was thinking about doing a Discordian send-up of The Lady of Shallot, but it might take me a while.