Life of Nobody

[Adios]

Uncle J.O. was a fire and brimstone pulpit banging southern baptist preacher. He was the pastor at Southside Baptist church in Jacksonville, Fl. Every Sunday he was broadcast live on the radio across 3 states.

I was with my mother, stepfather and half brother on the Sunday we went to hear him preach live.  The church was one of those great big fancy jobs with all the bells and whistles. They had a full choir, a baptismal on the stage, fancy chairs on the stage for the leaders to sit on and a grand podium.

Uncle J.O was in rare form this day and was beating the podium with his bible yelling about sin and what it did to us. He was going on about how guilty we all were. His face was all red and the veins in his neck were all sticking out. Yes sir, he was working up a real hell raising sermon.

Now remember this is on the radio live in 3 states. My little brother was about 4 or 5 years old. He was born and raised catholic and all this yelling was something he had never heard in church. Ever.

Uncle J.O. was right at the climax of the sermon and stopped for a big dramatic pause. Just as he was about to start again, at the top of his voice, my little brother screamed, "Mama! Why is Uncle J.O. yelling at me?"

As everyone in the church started laughing Uncle J.O. realized his big dramatic climax was utterly ruined. I have to give it to him though, he recovered fantastically by saying "At least one person here today is honest." This resulted in a bigger outbreak of laughter in the church while my mother looked like she wanted to crawl down a crack in the floor.

I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard for which my stepfather beat me later.

It turned out to be one of the most popular sermons Uncle J.O had ever given.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Caught up. Dude, this is excellent. Makes me want to start writing myself (seems like you're giving everyone else the bug too!)

I really liked the little green snake one in particular, as well as the black racer. I guess because of all the venomous snakes like rattlers and cottonmouths, it was a nice contrast to see some cute and playful snakes.

Dok Howl started it.

Sweet, thanks Hawk

Missed that one- do you have the link to the thread?

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=24702.0

[Adios]

Caught up. Dude, this is excellent. Makes me want to start writing myself (seems like you're giving everyone else the bug too!)

I really liked the little green snake one in particular, as well as the black racer. I guess because of all the venomous snakes like rattlers and cottonmouths, it was a nice contrast to see some cute and playful snakes.

Dok Howl started it.

Sweet, thanks Hawk

Missed that one- do you have the link to the thread?

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=24702.0

QUOTE FAIL ITT!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Caught up. Dude, this is excellent. Makes me want to start writing myself (seems like you're giving everyone else the bug too!)

I really liked the little green snake one in particular, as well as the black racer. I guess because of all the venomous snakes like rattlers and cottonmouths, it was a nice contrast to see some cute and playful snakes.

Dok Howl started it.

Sweet, thanks Hawk

Missed that one- do you have the link to the thread?

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=24702.0

QUOTE FAIL ITT!

Ah, brain was working to fast for the fingers

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Uncle J.O. was a fire and brimstone pulpit banging southern baptist preacher. He was the pastor at Southside Baptist church in Jacksonville, Fl. Every Sunday he was broadcast live on the radio across 3 states.

I was with my mother, stepfather and half brother on the Sunday we went to hear him preach live.  The church was one of those great big fancy jobs with all the bells and whistles. They had a full choir, a baptismal on the stage, fancy chairs on the stage for the leaders to sit on and a grand podium.

Uncle J.O was in rare form this day and was beating the podium with his bible yelling about sin and what it did to us. He was going on about how guilty we all were. His face was all red and the veins in his neck were all sticking out. Yes sir, he was working up a real hell raising sermon.

Now remember this is on the radio live in 3 states. My little brother was about 4 or 5 years old. He was born and raised catholic and all this yelling was something he had never heard in church. Ever.

Uncle J.O. was right at the climax of the sermon and stopped for a big dramatic pause. Just as he was about to start again, at the top of his voice, my little brother screamed, "Mama! Why is Uncle J.O. yelling at me?"

As everyone in the church started laughing Uncle J.O. realized his big dramatic climax was utterly ruined. I have to give it to him though, he recovered fantastically by saying "At least one person here today is honest." This resulted in a bigger outbreak of laughter in the church while my mother looked like she wanted to crawl down a crack in the floor.

I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard for which my stepfather beat me later.

It turned out to be one of the most popular sermons Uncle J.O had ever given.

That's awesome! I'd be laughing my ass off too

[Adios]

We were in the pasture by the Old pond. There was me and about 5 of my cousins and we were shooting BB guns at the flying squirrels to make the glide from tree to tree. Cousin Billy showed up. He was a few years older that the rest of us and wild as the wind.

He caught the mule and was giving us kids rides, one at a time. We were all having a blast. We would get on the back behind Billy and hang onto him as he rode around the pasture. For once he was being careful and not allowing the mule to run or anything.

We had been riding about an hour and it was my turn and I was going to be the last one because Billy had to go. So I got up on the mule behind Billy and off we went. My other cousins had one of their great ideas and started shooting the mule in the butt with their BB guns.

As much as I hate mules I have to admit they are very smart animals. This one was no exception and decided it was best to be somewhere else. Now. I grabbed Billy around his waist, he was yelling for me to hold on. He was doing everything he could to stop the mule but the mule had it's own ideas.

It was actually fun, at a full gallop like that. Most people don't know this but a lot of mules can outrun horses. I think Billy was having fun too.

As we were going along Billy made a real strange sound and fell off of the mule. I was wrapped around him so off I went too. Billy dislocated his shoulder. My head hit one of those round knobby rocks that are all over southern Georgia. The rock split in half. Billy was moaning, I was seeing double and the mule was gone.

My cousins came running up real scared. They all knew they were going to get a butt whipping. Billy and I managed to get up after a bit and somehow Billy got his shoulder back in place and after a while my vision cleared up again.

In this pasture there was a persimmon tree and to keep the opossums out of it we had run an electric wire from the packing house to the tree. About neck high to a teenager on the back of a mule. Billy had seen it just in time and we had fell off of that mule on purpose.

Billy was yelling and I shot Crockett in the big toe with my BB gun. The BB hit his big toenail and just rolled up under the skin where the toenails started. My other cousins took off running and Crockett was screaming and wanted me to get it out. I didn't.

I got even with the other cousins later in different ways.

[Adios]

I was living in Apopka, Fl. with my mother and her husband. Near Apopka is a place called Rock Springs. It is really beautiful, or was, I haven't been there in decades.

At the head of this big lake was an actual spring coming straight up out of the ground. Us kids would swim underwater to get to the spring and hold on to the rocks around it until we were right over the spring. When we let go of the rocks we would get shot about a foot up out of the water.

The lake was very large and the water was perfectly clear. I mean you could see even tiny pebbles 30 feet down. We spent all summer at Rock Springs.

In the woods around the lake there were a lot of neat things but one or our favorite was the mud quicksand pit. We would take turns rolling around in it until we were caked with black mud from head to toe. We had to take turns to make sure there were enough to pull each other out of the quicksand. This mud didn't come and run down your body like normal mud, it just stayed where it was put.

Once we were all completely covered we would walk back to the spring like some kind of swamp monsters and all of the girls would start screaming. Once they caught on to us everybody would get out of the water real fast because they knew we were going to dive in. When we all dove in together the water would turn black all over around the spring. I would clear up pretty fast because the spring was so big and so powerful.

It was still fun though.

One day my friend Danny came at me from a blind spot and popped me in the face with a wet towel. I remember white hot pain and then nothing. I kind of snapped. My friends told me I beat Danny every step of the way for a couple of hundred feet and most of them when they tried to pull me off of him. To this day I don't remember any of it.

Danny was in the hospital for 3 weeks with several broken bones and other stuff that I never knew what was. If there is one thing in my life I could do over in a better way it would be this thing. Danny was never my friend again and it was my loss. I refused to fight for a very long time after that. Even when a state Golden Glove contender decided to punch me in the face. All I did was put my hands in my back pockets and let him hit me. He hit me 4 times before he realized I wasn't going to fight back.

He never knew why and I never told him. I was too afraid of what I might do to fight. I was scared of me. Eventually I got over this but I was never the same. This has happened to me twice more but never to this degree again. I hope it never happens again. Ever.

[Adios]

I had been having pretty good luck buying horses at the livestock auction. You just have to be careful yo know. You have to show up early enough to see them unloaded and be able to walk around and look at them before they bring them in to the show ring.

This day I showed up a little late for that and really didn't expect to buy anything. Then they trotted out this big thoroughbred mare. She moved like sunlight across water. I started bidding on her and there was only one other bidder. Slaughter houses will always have a buyer at these auctions and he was bidding against me. They always bid just enough to make sure you wanted the animal and then they would back off.

Well I bought this mare for $500.00 and thought I had made a pretty good buy. Normally I don't buy thoroughbreds just because they are a hot blooded horse and sometimes hard to handle but like I said she moved really well.

After the auction I went to load her in my trailer. This is when I knew I had made a mistake. An hour later and a lot of patience and hard work and we were on our way. I put her in the pasture to just let her get to know the other horses and relax after the auction.

Two days later I decided to ride her and see just what I had. I got her all saddled up and we were walking and all was good. Suddenly her body shuddered and my brain screamed at me to get off. Too late. That horse went about 6 feet straight up and came down stiff legged. Then the fun started. She went nuts. Not just a little nuts but all out rodeo nuts.

I am not a rough stock rider so i had a good grip on the horn and was sitting deep in the saddle trying to stay on and just ride it out. I was doing good too. When you are on a bucking horse like that your world consists of the saddle horn, the horses head and the ground below you and nothing else.

This had gone on about 5 minutes when my son yelled in a panicked voice for me to jump. I didn't know why and couldn't break my concentration long enough to look around. He was still yelling for me to jump and I figured I better listen.

My timing was bad because I kicked my right foot out of the stirrup and jumped, that mare jumped at the same time I did. As I flew through the air I saw over the top of the barn and I knew this was going to hurt.

It was February in Colorado and the ground was frozen solid. I was right, it hurt. I landed on my shoulder and the side of my head. As I lay there I noticed my arm was in a real funny angle over my head. I also noticed it hurt. My son came over and we discovered my shoulder was dislocated. I had him put his foot on my chest and jerk my shoulder back in place as I screamed.

Once the pain cleared a little I got up and unsaddled the horse and brushed her down and put her away. Then I drove myself to the emergency room. The pain was really getting bad and by this time I could barely stand it. They finally got me in and took x-rays. It was also broken. They said it was going to hurt, nothing they could do, take these pain pills. They also said one of the best things I could have done was have my son put it back in place right away. If I hadn't the muscles and ligaments would have gotten stretched out and it would have hurt a lot more to have it reset.

[Adios]

So the next day I decided to have another go at her. I spent extra time getting the gear on her and talked to her and patted her a lot. She was very calm. After I had the saddle on her I walked her around a while and then it was time.

I got up on her and just like the day before everything was good. Then just like the day before she blew up. This time because of my shoulder hurting so bad I couldn't get a good grip on the saddle horn. Just like the day before I went flying. This time something cracked in my left arm.

I took the saddle off, brushed her down and drove myself to the emergency room. After they got through casting my broken arm they made a couple of suggestions about not riding for a while. Which I promptly ignored the next day.

The next day I was ready for round 3. I got her all saddled up and just got on. By now I realized this was war and I was determined to win.

This time as I went flying through the air I decided my shoulders and arm had had enough so I tried to land on my feet. I was successful except for one thing. Something squishy happened to my right knee. I unsaddled the horse, brushed her and put her away. Then I drove myself to the emergency room. This time I got an air cast and more instructions about not riding.

Sooo, the next day I was mad, determined and stupid. I saddled her and got on. Guess what happened?

AS I flew through the air I gave up. I knew by now no matter how I landed it was going to mess something up. This time my foot made a horrible noise.

I unsaddled her, brushed her and put her away and drove myself the the emergency room. I had a broken foot and when they got through casting it they gave me advice about not riding for a while. This time I took their advice.

I also put an add in the paper horse for sale. A young woman came out to look at her and she, like me, fell in love with the way she moved. She asked me if she could ride her. Now here I am with my arm in a cast, my foot in a cast, my knee in a cast and on crutches. I said "Lady, look at me, she did this!"

She said she wasn't worried and that she could ride anything. I grinned and said have a good time.

So she brought out this little flat saddle and saddled her up, got on her and rode all over the pasture. I said she rode all over the pasture. That horse never did even one thing to indicate she was going to buck. The woman rode up to me, dropped the reins and hugged the horse around the neck telling me how much she loved the horse. My mouth was hanging open.

I sold her that horse for $1500.00 and lost money after all the medical bills.

I should have eaten that horse instead of selling her.

Now all of this happened in Elizabeth, Co. and a few days later I was in Aurora, Co. which is a part of Denver and in the check out lane the cashier pointed at me and asked "Are you the guy from Elizabeth?"

I was famous.

[P3nT4gR4m]

You are, without a shadow of a doubt, my kind of idiot!

[Adios]

From my horse days.

[Adios]

I used to take my horses up hunting every year. I would wrap them in enough florescent orange that they looked like highway construction sites.

I rarely followed trails because they were just overused. Game animals feel hunting pressure and will move away from that kind of pressure so it makes it harder to find them.

One day I was riding, no trail and the mountain was just getting steeper. Pretty soon I got in a jam. There was no way to turn around, no way to get off of the horse and no where to go. I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do to get out of this mess. The horse was mountain bred and she could really get around but this was just a bad place.

Finally she turned her head to look at me and snorted. Being a smart alec I told her if she had any bright ideas I was up for anything. I relaxed the reins and the next thing I know all of my dignity was gone. All of it. Once I dropped the reins she turned and started jumping up the mountain. I was yelling and grabbing anything that looked like it was attached to her good.

If I had been on foot I would have had to pull myself up this mountain from tree to tree, it was that steep and here she was jumping up it. I didn't stop yelling until we got to the top. Then I was sitting there shaking and as she turned and looked at me I could have sworn she was grinning.

Once I got my composure back I rode around the top of that mountain looking for a way down. There wasn't one. It was cold out but I was sweating. Sighing in surrender I gave her her head again and down we went. I was terrified. It was so steep I was laying on her with my head on her rump and my feet in the stirrups were by her ears. She was sitting down on her rear and just walking with her front legs.

Eventually I got to thinking this was pretty cool. Then I saw a log right in our way. The hill was too steep for her to turn and go around it so she kept going. I was trying to remember if my will was in order. So we get to the log and I can't move or it would have thrown her off balance so I just sat there. She came up on the log and stepped over it with her front feet and then kind of crow hopped over it with her rear feet.

We were alive and unhurt. Finally we got to the bottom and I got off and let her breath while I relieved myself and I was glad I hadn't done that on the way down.

Once we were ready I rode back to camp, unloaded the gun and locked it up and had a long conversation with Jim Beam.

[Adios]

Any time you decide to do horse trading there is only one rule. Buyer Beware. If you hand over cash for a horse and it takes one step and dies it's your dead horse.

There was a beautiful Paint mare for sale by a private owner. She had just been in the pasture unridden for 4 years. She had been fed and was in good health, just rusty. I knew I would have to work her back into riding shape and was willing to do this. So I bought her and took her home. I turned her out in the pasture with the other 4 horses and let them work out the pecking order.

After about a week I had time to ride her. I got her all saddled up and led her out of the pasture. I got up on her and urged her forward and she backed up. She was pasture sour from not being ridden in years. I kept working with her o get her to go and she kept refusing.

By this time I figured she had an iron deficiency so I went in the house and put my spurs on. I gouged her gently with the same results. By now I was getting aggravated so I turned her to face the pasture. Then I pulled back on the reins and put some effort in the spurs. She backed up. For a quarter of a mile at my insistence. After that she went where I asked without argument.

She did have one other issue that we had to work out. When she thought she was done she would rear up to the point of almost going over backwards. I had to step out of the saddle several times to keep her from going over.

I went to the tack and bought a training loop. This is like a rein that gives the rider the leverage to pull the horses head into their chest. Once you do this the horse just can't do much. It took about 5 or 6 times going through this before she got the idea.

There was just one thing left. She was like riding a 2X4. The roughest riding horse I've ever been on. There is no fix for this. I was stuck.

A friend of mine was breeding paints so I called him about this mare. I told him everything about her and asked if he was interested. He came over the next day and looked her over and decided he wanted her. The rough ride didn't mean a thing to him because he was just going to breed her.

That Paint threw some of the most beautiful colts I have ever seen. My friend made what money he paid for back several times over.

Sometimes we just get lucky.

[Adios]

I was up hunting and hadn't even seen an elk yet. This didn't bother me because I just loved being in the mountains and riding my horses. For November in the Rockies it was pretty mild stating in the 40's most of the day.

I had been riding about 4 hours just sight seeing as I was prone to do, I don't even think my rifle was loaded and it was in the scabbord anyway. My back was starting to bother me pretty bad so I headed for camp.About halfway back I went into acute muscle spasms.

I had to let her have her head and trust she would get us back. We got back to camp and I had to wait for help to come back so I could get off the horse. Finally Stephen showed up and I told him what was going on.

I told him I was going to fall off of her and he just had to grab me anywhere he could and keep me from falling under feet. I had no idea what her reaction would be to something like that. So I started sliding off slowly and I felt Stephen grab me and the next thing I was on the ground and my head was right between the front feet of the horse.

I was holding my breath waiting to see what was going to happen next, I was unable to move and I didn't want Stephen to jump under her and pull me out because that might spook her even more.

To my surprise she lowered her head down to my face and brushed her lips across me and then just raised her head and stood there. Then I had Stephen pull me out and get me back to the camper where I spent the rest of that day and the next. Fortunately I had plenty of muscle relaxers on hand.

The horse was named Brandy and if I ever own horses again I will do everything in my power to find her and buy her. She was the same one that took me on our vertical ride.

[Adios]

Cody was the youngest horse I owned. He was a 4 year old gelding I bought from a cattle ranch. Even as young as he was he was still a great horse. He was smart and had a great sense of humor.

Because he was so young he would sight see when we rode and because of this he stumbled a little more than I liked but there was no fix for this so I lived with it. There was a mean bone in his body but he was a trickster.

Every time I got him shoed he would find a way to step on my toes. Right after shoeing was the only time her ever did it either. I thought I had him beat one time but just before I left the barn he leaned on me pinning me against a stall wall and then as deliberate as anything stepped on my foot. He just stood there grinning and wouldn't move. Finally I was able to push him off and then he ran out of the barn tossing his head.

He would lay down in the pasture and I would go out with a book and lay down resting my head on his belly and my dog would lay on his rump. We would sit like that a long time. He would even let my dog ride him while I was brushing him down, they got along great.

There was a spot on his neck where if I scratched it real hard he would stick his way up in the air and curl both of his lips back and spread his front legs and just love it.

He was afraid of pigs though. I was out riding him one day and he was looking all around as usual and he spotted some pigs. He froze in place and was just standing. Now I got a real good seat in the saddle not knowing what to expect next. Suddenly he just switched directions, a complete 180 and then just stood there. It was a good thing I was ready or that spin would have left me sitting in the dust. Once he couldn't see the pigs anymore he was just fine.

Now if he saw  cow that was a different story. He would do everything he could to convince me to go get the cow. Since ranchers really don't like you running the meat off of their cows I never allowed him to chase one. I always wanted to just to see what he would do.

I was riding him up hunting and my son was riding my mare. We decided to go different directions and Cody objected. We were on the side of a mountain which is no place for a horse to rear and buck. I tried to get him to calm down but he was being stubborn so I clobbered him on the head right between the ears. I am sure my hand hurt worse than his head but at least he stopped that nonsense.

I have never seen a horse with more personality than Cody.