Life of Nobody

[Adios]

My wife and I were living in Elizabeth, Co. and a couple that were friends of ours had a beautiful little girl, She had both of us wrapped around her finger. She would always ask to come stay with us for the weekend and most of the time we wanted her to.

This beautiful little 9 year old girl and I would always call each other silly names, like 3 day old crust on your brothers underwear. One day we were going to the grocery store and this sweet beautiful girl that I loved called me a penis wrinkle. Yes, a penis wrinkle. For one of the very few times in my life I was speechless and so was my wife.

But this child was just like that. One day we saw a heavyset guy bending over and working and his butt crack was showing. Jess tapped me on the arm and said "Look, a plumber."

We took her to the Elizabeth Stampede which is a big rodeo every year. After the rodeo there is always a dance. Now we had Jess dressed to the nines. She was perfect. I noticed a young boy about her age watching the dance floor. He was wearing a Stetson, Wrangler jeans, a big belt buckle and boots. He was dressed to kill. I pointed out Jess and told him I bet she would dance with him.

Well this little cowboy walked right over and asked her. They danced very well together, better than a lot of the adults. They must have danced over an hour and we had to go home but Jess wasn't quite ready. She got her little cowboy's phone number and gave him a peck on the cheek. He was all she talked about the rest of the weekend.

She was always full of life and happiness.

[Adios]

You are, without a shadow of a doubt, my kind of idiot!

The last time I had 2 guys helping me get in the saddle, I couldn't do it alone. 

[LMNO]

The vertical leaping-- I know what you're talking about.  I've had a horse do that, and while it's terrifying at first, there's something confident about the lurching, scrambling lunges.  You just have to trust that it knows what it's doing.

And going down, well... that's juts fun.



And I am loving these stories.

[Adios]

The vertical leaping-- I know what you're talking about.  I've had a horse do that, and while it's terrifying at first, there's something confident about the lurching, scrambling lunges.  You just have to trust that it knows what it's doing.

And going down, well... that's juts fun.



And I am loving these stories.

Thank you! I miss my horses.

[Adios]

It was winter in Colorado and there had just been a major blizzard. I was still with my first wife and our daughter was pregnant and we got a call about possible labor. There was 4 feet of snow on the ground in most areas so we couldn't get out as we lived in the country.

My son made it to within 2 miles from our house. I told him we would be there as soon as we could to just wait for us.

I fought my way out to the barn and got 2 horses saddled up. My wife and I were all bundled up so we mounted and took off. She wasn't much of a rider in spite of me owning horses. In fact she hardly ever had anything to do with the horses.

There were places on the road that had been wind swept and these were very easy to ride through. We came to a place where there was no option but to bust through the snow. It looked like about a quarter of a mile of hard riding ahead.

I told her to stay back about 20 feet and to just let me bust the trail since I was on the bigger horse. Now the way a horse busts through deep snow is by a series of jumps. They will leap forward, collect their feet and jump again.

Now I was in about 20 feet so I told my wife to start following. The trail wasn't clean of snow, far from it but it was better for her than it had been for me. I kept going until I heard a scream and some loud cussing.

I looked back and started laughing. My wife had slipped hard to one side of the saddle and was half on the horse and half in the snow. I told her to just fall the rest of the way off and then get back on. That was my second mistake I guess. I was informed later that laughing was my first mistake.

Sure enough she fell the rest of the way off the horse and then started walking back to the house. I told her to take her horse with her. After some very loud and very colorful language she turned and started walking again.

I rode back the her horse and was leading it back to the house, when I caught up with her I asked if she was sure she didn't want to ride the rest of the way since we had come so far. The look she gave me made the Colorado winter seem pretty warm so I took the horse back to the barn and unsaddled it. Then I turned back and rode out to meet my son.

By the time I got to where he was the crisis was over, it had been false labor. I told him about the action packed ride his mother had just taken and we shared a good laugh. It would be the last time I laughed until the snow was cleared enough for me to get out of the house. I spent a lot of time over the next 3 days out in the barn with the horses.


You know what? It's still funny.

[Adios]

I had bought a palamino mare at the auction. AS far as I could tell she only had one bad trait and that was she would strike at everything with her hooves. This I could stop.

I took her home and started working with her. She was very stubborn and likely had been abused to some degree. She was a small horse but very stout, perfect for mountain riding so she was more than worth spending some time on.

It took 3 days to get her over striking and she began to drop her defenses as she realized she wasn't going to get beat or punished anymore. On the 3rd day I was able to crawl under her belly and do anything with her feet I wanted to. This was important for a lot of reasons but I had grandchildren who would be around the horses.

This mare got to the point where she thought I was the big stud. Literally. Every time I went to work with her for a while I had to dodge. See, when a mare is in season the will turn their rump to a stud and spray. A lot. It stinks.

I wasn't going to put up with this because it was only a matter of time until I didn't dodge and she would get me. So I worked with her until we got over this stage.

She turned out to be a great horse who was completely loyal and patient. My grandkids could do anything around her and they could ride her all day. She also was as good a mountain horse as I thought she would be.

There is a place in Colorado called the Praying Hands ranch where they work with handicapped children using horses. When I had to sell her this ranch bought her. I bet Sandy was in horse heaven with all those kids around every day.

[Adios]

Buddy; You should start team roping.

Me; Why.

Buddy; Everybody is doing it.

Me; Oh.

Buddy; I'm serious.

Me; You catch calves, right?

Buddy; Yeah.

Me; What do you do with them after you catch them?

Buddy; We let them go.

Me; Oh. So what's the point?

Buddy; Nevermind.

I have nothing against team roping, in fact I like to watch it. From reading my stories so far you may have noticed that I might have a proclivity to hurt myself once in a while.

Team roping involves flying out of a chute chasing a calf at full speed. When you get in position you then throw a lasso at either the head or the heels depending on if you're the header or the heeler.

Then you wrap the lasso around the saddle horn and back your horse up. I know several wannabe team ropers with mangled of missing fingers from wrapping the lasso around the saddle horn and their fingers at the same time.

Another funny thing about all team ropers is they all think they are good enough to get to the grand finals. They're not. Some couldn't even catch a cold skinny dipping in a mountain lake in December, much less a running calf.

In the Elizabeth area it was cowboy country before it got Californicated. Sever top rodeo performers have come from the area. This just sparks all of the other less than stellar rodeo wannabes to go for it which can be a good thing. Seriously, it is funny as anything to watch somebody lean out to throw a lasso and fall off their horse.

Another thing about throwing a lasso from horseback is to let the horse know what's coming. This I learned the hard way. I had a horse that just wasn't going to work out and she refused to get caught. So I got tired of chasing her and saddled up Cody and got my lasso to catch her up. Everything was going according to plan until that rope sang by Codys ear. He objected. Target missed. Rider half out of the saddle.

Time for a new plan. I put the rope away as a matter of self preservation. I was going to use Cody to pin her because Cody had all the makings of a good cutting horse. I herded the runaway in the barn and had her cornered when she reared up and struck at Cody. Cody objected. Target missed. Rider half out of saddle.

Time for a new plan.I put Cody away and considered a rifle but trying to move a dead horse is a lot of work.
For some reason my brain decided to join me at about this time. The runaway was in the barn. I closed the barn door and herded her into a stall and closed the stall door.

Job complete. Sometimes it's just easier to be smart than to be a cowboy.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Job complete. Sometimes it's just easier to be smart than to be a cowboy.

I might be a city boy, but I get the sense that a real cowboy would choose this route instead of trying to gain cowboy cred. Goes with any subculture. Why go for the flashy when you can get the job done? I'm a guitarist, and I love to solo, but when it calls for it. If the solo doesn't do anything, why bother ruining the song to look good?

[Adios]

For some reason my brain decided to join me at about this time.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

For some reason my brain decided to join me at about this time.

Hey man, sometimes it takes a couple of minutes to get there, but you got there. Way better than shooting the horse. Like you said, moving a dead horse is harder.

[Adios]

For future reference a cowboy will not walk across the street. He will get on his horse and ride to the other side of the street.

[Adios]

We were up hunting and the other guys had already left camp. It was just daylight and I only wanted to be lazy and lay in bed a while.

But the horses had other ideas. I had them in a temporary rope corral so I wouldn't have to hobble them. They started running around and snorting and making all kinds of noise. Sleep was impossible so I figured they were thirsty. I couldn't find my glasses and just put on enough clothes to go get them some water. I looked them over and couldn't figure out why they were acting so weird. Anyway I walked towards the creek to fill the water bucket.

Things were moving all around me. I squinted and realized there was 12 elk in the camp. Right in the camp and this is what was spooking the horses. There I was, no glasses, a water bucket in my hand and my rifle in the truck unloaded and I was surrounded by elk.

I made several false starts but I didn't know if I should go for the rifle or mu glasses first. I decided to go for my rifle and had trouble getting the truck door open and realized I still had the water bucket in my hand. I put it down and opened the truck door. When I did the interior light came and all those elk suddenly wanted to be somewhere else.

Now when an elk decided he wants to be somewhere else it is a magical thing because those monsters can move! By the time I got my rifle loaded they were about 500 yards away and uphill. This is a tough shot in the best circumstances and in the poor (barely legal) light it was even more of a challenge. I missed. I missed again. I missed one more time, got disgusted, put the rifle away and didn't hunt anymore the rest of the week.

None of the other guys saw another elk the rest of the week and they hunted hard. If you're real lucky elk will give you one chance. I was lucky, I saw several elk in camp and one was a huge bull.

It was another successful hunting trip.

[Adios]

Riding horses in the mountains is a lot of fun if you do it right. When you are hunting you naturally have a lot of gear with you. Water, food, emergency supplies in case of a freak blizzard, rifle, well, you get the idea. Now all of this equipment has to be placed just so, otherwise when you are riding in close timber you are going to get hung up a lot.

My nephew was riding with me and wanted me to take point because he didn't have the confidence on horseback. Since I owed him a couple of paybacks I started off. Now, to be fair I told him to stay about 10 feet behind me. Quite often you need to grab a branch and hold on to until you are past it and then release the branch.

The branch will then whip back in place. My nephew must have thought I was trying to get the advantage by being that far ahead and of course as always ignored my advice. He ate several branches and I was just grinning.

This went on for about 2 miles and we were just breaking into a open clearing. As I came out of the timber my nephew made a strange noise. I looked back and he was out of the saddle and sitting on the horses rump and somehow he had managed to get the horse to stop. He was twisted kind of sideways and wasn't moving.

I dismounted and went back to see what the problem was and it turned out he had slung his rifle over his shoulder crossways like I had told him not to do and a branch had caught the sling. His arms were trapped and the sling was tight across his throat and he couldn't do anything. If the horse hadn't stopped he might have hung himself.

So being a concerned uncle I sat down and laughed. Once I could catch my breath I asked him what his plan was now. For some reason his sense of humor was absent which just made it that much more funny.

Finally I felt sorry for him and cut his rifle sling just because I didn't want sap all over my Bowie knife. What? It is a very good knife!

Between his cussing and my laughing we were through hunting the area.

I took him back to camp the short way where there weren't any trees.

Hunting isn't always about shooting an animal now is it?

[Adios]

I thought I saw some movement in the black timber. If you have never seen black timber in the Colorado mountains let me tell you there is a reason those evergreen are called black timber. You can't see in those woods very good.

Not real sure if I had seen movement and if I had not knowing what it was I pulled out my binoculars. Point of note here, it is not only rude, but dangerous to point a high powered rifle at something you might not want to shoot. So rather than use mu scope I used my binoculars.

Sure enough there were about 4 elk moving through the timber. I put the binoculars away and brought my rifle to bear. The range was about 250 yards and they were on the opposite mountain from me. I was looking through the tops of trees on my side and the underbrush on their side.

When this is the case there is no point in shooting because even a tiny twig can deflect the bullet. So I just kept tracking the bull elk with my scope hoping for just one clear shot. Finally I had a hole through all the clutter about 6 inches big. As soon as the neck was in my scope I squeezed the trigger. Just as I squeezed he turned to look behind him and I missed. I quickly fed another round in the chamber and just lined the scope up on the hole in the trees because I knew he was going to bring his head back around and head for safer parts. As soon as I saw all brown I squeezed the trigger again.

My nephew was with me and all of this took about 3 seconds from the first shot until the second and he was yelling "What are you shooting at?" I couldn't believe he hadn't even seen the elk of me looking at them. So I just told him I was looking at that dead elk over there.

Now the elk wasn't dead when we got there but the bullet had shattered his spine and he was unable to move so I finished him off quickly to end the suffering. He was a very nice bull and it took 7 of us 2 hours to pack him out.

[Roaring Biscuit!]

I will never get bored of your life, Hawk