Rant, rant, rant

[Fujikoma]

God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Excellent rant Jenne!  I hope you have a wonderful day!

Happy Birthday!!

[Jenne]

lol, wut? (@ fujikoma)

Listen, my angst against my mom is that she was a pretty decent creature up until the point I realized she was "doin' it wrong."  When I became a maternal unit, I realized that my number one priority is my kids.  Sometimes, that means putting them first, me second.  And my mom doesn't have that capacity, and probably never did, only was forced to by circumstances when we were dirtass poor.

She lived a rich woman's life most of my adulthood, and when my dad was arrested, she had to, for the first time in her 49 years of life (this was 6 years ago) get a fucking job.  She was 49 and had never, ever had a job, had only h.s. diploma, almost zilch work experience.  And I helped her through that, and she villainized me and my husband for it.  Because the man who kept her that way (my dad) liked having a subserviant for a wife and couldn't imagine his "child bride" as he called her (they got married at 17) would have to actually WORK like every other adult for her bread and a roof over her head.

So fast forward 6 years, and I have no "mother."  I have a woman who bore me, who is nominally a grandmother to my children and my brothers' children, but is emotionally unavailable except to criticize, belittle and jesercise.  Case in point when my husband was dying in '07:

"Mom, H's in the hospital, looks like it's really serious, and we are not sure of the prognosis at this point.  He can't make blood anymore."

"ORLY?  Maybe this is a good time for him to think about where he's gonna go after he dies and get right with the Lord.  You should tell him that."

<deep breath>

"Yeah, Mom, I won't be saying anything like that to him.  Ever.  Gotta GO."

<seethe seethe seethe>

That's how my mom parents.  How she has always parented.  There's a lot of good things about her as a person, don't get me wrong.  But as a source of the maternal, especially vis a vis my dad's incarceration, where it's ALL ABOUT HER, yeah, she's a total and complete failure.  There's more, but I don't hate her, I just think she's a waste when it comes to the position she holds in my life and my brothers' lives.

[Jenne]

Excellent rant Jenne!  I hope you have a wonderful day!

Happy Birthday!!

Aw, thanks, Khara!

[Doktor Howl]

God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...

Why did you deliberately attempt to derail Jenne's thread?

[Nephew Twiddleton]

God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...

Why did you deliberately attempt to derail Jenne's thread?

Perhaps he misunderstood the title of the thread as an invitation for rants in general.

Happy Birthday, Jenne! Sorry to hear all of this, hope you have a fun time regardless. Sounds like you could use it.

[Jenne]

God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...

Why did you deliberately attempt to derail Jenne's thread?

Perhaps he misunderstood the title of the thread as an invitation for rants in general.

Happy Birthday, Jenne! Sorry to hear all of this, hope you have a fun time regardless. Sounds like you could use it.

Thanks, Nevvie Twiddleton!

And Rog, I was sorta wondering the same thing, though it sounded like s/he was drunk posting.

[AFK]

Well, I hope you get out and have yourself a happy birthday tomorrow! 

[Jenne]

Thanks, RWHN, will be doin' just that, regardless. 

[Juana]

Happy early birthday.

[Fujikoma]

Sorry, yes, that was inconsiderate of me...

The title of the post was a little misleading. Happy birthday again. Hope you're feeling better now.

[Cainad (dec.)]

That's a pretty miserable situation to have to deal with, Jenne. Enjoy the shit out of your birthday; you clearly need it.


This is the sort of thing that reminds me of how incredibly lucky I am to have the parents I do. If I can be as good as either of them are at being a human being (and, perhaps in the future, a parent), I'll consider myself a success.

[Jenne]

Thanks, Guys...sorta zombified by my work schedule, but am looking forward to being out and about after work.

[Freeky]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNE!

[Jenne]

lol