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Commit a crime, go to church

Started by Precious Moments Zalgo, September 27, 2011, 10:32:13 PM

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Precious Moments Zalgo

This is awesome  :lulz:

http://www2.wkrg.com/news/2011/sep/22/serve-time-jailor-church-ar-2450720/

QuoteBAY MINETTE, Alabama --
Non-violent offenders in Bay Minette now have a choice some would call simple: do time behind bars or work off the sentence in church.

Operation Restore Our Community or "ROC"...begins next week. The city judge will either let  misdemenor offenders work off their sentences in jail and pay a fine or go to church every Sunday for a year.

If offenders elect church, they're allowed to pick the place of worship, but must check in weekly with the pastor and the police department. If the one-year church attendance program is completed successfully, the offender's case will be dismissed.

The program is constitutional, because the offenders aren't forced to go to church, and they choose the church.  They have a choice between going to jail, paying a fine, and having a criminal record, or remaining free except for one hour every Sunday and having no criminal record.

PMZ,
needs to open a combination church/sports bar in Bay Minette with video poker machines and a two-drink minimum during the Sunday service, which consists of watching football on big screen TVs.
I will answer ANY prayer for $39.95.*

*Unfortunately, I cannot give refunds in the event that the answer is no.

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: Precious Moments Zalgo on September 27, 2011, 10:32:13 PM
This is awesome  :lulz:

http://www2.wkrg.com/news/2011/sep/22/serve-time-jailor-church-ar-2450720/

QuoteBAY MINETTE, Alabama --
Non-violent offenders in Bay Minette now have a choice some would call simple: do time behind bars or work off the sentence in church.

Operation Restore Our Community or "ROC"...begins next week. The city judge will either let  misdemenor offenders work off their sentences in jail and pay a fine or go to church every Sunday for a year.

If offenders elect church, they're allowed to pick the place of worship, but must check in weekly with the pastor and the police department. If the one-year church attendance program is completed successfully, the offender's case will be dismissed.

The program is constitutional, because the offenders aren't forced to go to church, and they choose the church.  They have a choice between going to jail, paying a fine, and having a criminal record, or remaining free except for one hour every Sunday and having no criminal record.

PMZ,
needs to open a combination church/sports bar in Bay Minette with video poker machines and a two-drink minimum during the Sunday service, which consists of watching football on big screen TVs.

Get a ULC certificate and open up a Temple to Dionysus.  :lulz:
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Cramulus

This is the reason that there are Discordians. We need to get a church registered in Alabama!

Nephew Twiddleton

"Oh yeah, your honor. He was here all day. got nice and filled up with the spirit he did."
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Precious Moments Zalgo

Quote from: Cramulus on September 27, 2011, 10:39:45 PM
This is the reason that there are Discordians. We need to get a church registered in Alabama!

Do we have any Alabamians on the board?  I looked up Bay Minette and it's about 45 minutes north of Gulf Shores, so it has that going for it.

Quote from: Nph. Twid. on September 27, 2011, 10:40:05 PM
"Oh yeah, your honor. He was here all day. got nice and filled up with the spirit he did."
Some might worry about the fact that their bar's clientele consists mainly of convicted criminals, but I say that they know if they were to skip out on their tab, then I will tell the judge they didn't show.
I will answer ANY prayer for $39.95.*

*Unfortunately, I cannot give refunds in the event that the answer is no.

Triple Zero

While I understand the hilarity, what exactly is the (hypothetical) goal here?

1. Set up a Discordian Church in Alabama
2. Receive criminals for 1h per week on a sunday
3. ????
4. :lulz:

Ex-Soviet Bloc Sexual Attack Swede of Tomorrow™
e-prime disclaimer: let it seem fairly unclear I understand the apparent subjectivity of the above statements. maybe.

INFORMATION SO POWERFUL, YOU ACTUALLY NEED LESS.

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: Triple Zero on September 27, 2011, 11:37:20 PM
While I understand the hilarity, what exactly is the (hypothetical) goal here?

1. Set up a Discordian Church in Alabama
2. Receive criminals for 1h per week on a sunday
3. ????
4. :lulz:



Why, to provide a place for people to go who both don't want to go to jail or go to a boring old Christian church where they will try and make you repent of your sins.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

East Coast Hustle

Quote from: Triple Zero on September 27, 2011, 11:37:20 PM
While I understand the hilarity, what exactly is the (hypothetical) goal here?

1. Set up a Discordian Church in Alabama
2. Receive criminals for 1h per week on a sunday
3. ????
4. :lulz:



Assuming the drinks aren't free, I think there's some pretty decent potential for PROFIT lots of donations to the church coffers there.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

memy

The thing is this whole church over jail idea would totally work! Non-violent criminals who get sent to jail are more likely to leave jail as violent criminals. Send them elsewhere and they just might end up being "normal".

Well we can't have that, can we? Damn normalcy. They have to serve their time somewhere and get messed up by the experience, right? What better place than our alcohol-filled-church-bar? That way we still preserve the sacred life-style of being a non-violent criminal, being a thing generally supported by Operation Mindfuck. In fact, we can just funnel the criminals directly into that section of the forum.
ma-ma-say ma-ma-sah ma-ma-co-sah

Freeky

Quote from: memy on September 28, 2011, 12:20:38 AM
The thing is this whole church over jail idea would totally work! Non-violent criminals who get sent to jail are more likely to leave jail as violent criminals. Send them elsewhere and they just might end up being "normal".

Well we can't have that, can we? Damn normalcy. They have to serve their time somewhere and get messed up by the experience, right? What better place than our alcohol-filled-church-bar? That way we still preserve the sacred life-style of being a non-violent criminal, being a thing generally supported by Operation Mindfuck. In fact, we can just funnel the criminals directly into that section of the forum.

What's got your panties in a bunch?

Precious Moments Zalgo

Quote from: Fuck You One-Eye on September 27, 2011, 11:47:52 PM
Quote from: Triple Zero on September 27, 2011, 11:37:20 PM
While I understand the hilarity, what exactly is the (hypothetical) goal here?

1. Set up a Discordian Church in Alabama
2. Receive criminals for 1h per week on a sunday
3. ????
4. :lulz:



Assuming the drinks aren't free, I think there's some pretty decent potential for PROFIT lots of donations to the church coffers there.
Exactly, and this is not a pitcher of beer and a platter of chicken nachos -- it's the blood and body of Christ, shed and broken for you.
I will answer ANY prayer for $39.95.*

*Unfortunately, I cannot give refunds in the event that the answer is no.

Kurt Christ

Quote from: Precious Moments Zalgo on September 27, 2011, 11:00:52 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on September 27, 2011, 10:39:45 PM
This is the reason that there are Discordians. We need to get a church registered in Alabama!

Do we have any Alabamians on the board?  I looked up Bay Minette and it's about 45 minutes north of Gulf Shores, so it has that going for it.

Quote from: Nph. Twid. on September 27, 2011, 10:40:05 PM
"Oh yeah, your honor. He was here all day. got nice and filled up with the spirit he did."
Some might worry about the fact that their bar's clientele consists mainly of convicted criminals, but I say that they know if they were to skip out on their tab, then I will tell the judge they didn't show.
I'm from Alabama, although I currently live in the Birmingham area. If navcat's still in Mobile, she'd be closer.
Formerly known as the Space Pope (then I was excommunicated), Father Kurt Christ (I was deemed unfit to raise children, spiritual or otherwise), and Vartox (the speedo was starting to chafe)

memy

Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 28, 2011, 12:25:00 AM
What's got your panties in a bunch?

That people expect me to not wear panties. I'm a dude, it's considered unsightly. So this "normalcy" character won't let me bunch up my panties. It's an all-around unpleasant experience. But then if I were allowed to wear panties, I'd be satisfied and there would be no need for bunching.

It's like a catch-22 for women's underthings, if you catch my drifty-drafty boxers. But that's for another, more private discussion.

I would definitely go to a church where they charged for drinks, assuming the drink is substantially larger than the thimble they insist on serving the blood of Christ in.
ma-ma-say ma-ma-sah ma-ma-co-sah

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: memy on September 28, 2011, 12:38:32 AM
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 28, 2011, 12:25:00 AM
What's got your panties in a bunch?

That people expect me to not wear panties. I'm a dude, it's considered unsightly. So this "normalcy" character won't let me bunch up my panties. It's an all-around unpleasant experience. But then if I were allowed to wear panties, I'd be satisfied and there would be no need for bunching.

It's like a catch-22 for women's underthings, if you catch my drifty-drafty boxers. But that's for another, more private discussion.

I would definitely go to a church where they charged for drinks, assuming the drink is substantially larger than the thimble they insist on serving the blood of Christ in.

He's only human and only has so much blood to go around sir. He needs to keep some of it so he can regenerate and serve up some more next Sunday.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Disco Pickle

Quote from: Nph. Twid. on September 28, 2011, 12:41:29 AM
Quote from: memy on September 28, 2011, 12:38:32 AM
Quote from: Jenkem and SPACE/TIME on September 28, 2011, 12:25:00 AM
What's got your panties in a bunch?

That people expect me to not wear panties. I'm a dude, it's considered unsightly. So this "normalcy" character won't let me bunch up my panties. It's an all-around unpleasant experience. But then if I were allowed to wear panties, I'd be satisfied and there would be no need for bunching.

It's like a catch-22 for women's underthings, if you catch my drifty-drafty boxers. But that's for another, more private discussion.

I would definitely go to a church where they charged for drinks, assuming the drink is substantially larger than the thimble they insist on serving the blood of Christ in.

He's only human and only has so much blood to go around sir. He needs to keep some of it so he can regenerate and serve up some more next Sunday.

CHRIST WAS NOT HUMAN! 

god damn Irish heathens, don't even know that he was from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
"Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter." --William Ralph Inge

"sometimes someone confesses a sin in order to take credit for it." -- John Von Neumann