[renamed]: HERE! TASTE THIS BRICK!

[navkat]

Please help me escape other people's realities.

I don't even know what's real anymore. I know it feels like I got bullied into total submission. It feels I got goaded and pushed into doing something horrendous for me: something that makes me feel a little ill. It feels like I was in a state of total mental breakdown while you continued to bully: used military torture techniques to break me utterly, screaming, begging, crying "just make it stop. I'll do anything. Just STTTTTTTOP!"

But in your mind, I know you believe you did right. I needed to be taught a lesson...and I need to keep being taught a lesson until I get it through my head what a piece of shit I am.

The thing is, I genuinely don't even know anymore. I have no more delusions of any sense of worth or rigteousness--I think you were right about my incompetance as a EMT and parent and human being. I mean, deep-down, who am I kidding? The shit they say about everyone having value is a lie and we all know it.

And I'm pretty certain by now that if anyone deserves what they get, it's me. You're right, you've proven the concensus on that is pretty resolute: as soon as you revealed what a piece of "trash" I am, I stopped having any appeal at all. I'm not entitled to a thing and that includes mercy.

I feel like I've completely lost my grip on any sense of what is or isn't just treatment and handling of me. I never claimed myself a perfect person and in fact, am now willing to come to terms with the fact that I may just be as entirely worthless as you say. Does that mean the pain is deserved? Does that mean your actions, which could only be described as horrific if applied to a normal person are less horrific given the me-variable? I honestly don't know. I used to believe I knew a thing or two about the world but I have no clue, really.

I do know now that I just have to shut up and stuff it. I have no right to complain anymore. I do understand power. I understand the futility in standing up to it because the getting smacked back down where I belong hurts so much worse than just staying down where I belong. I know that I am the inferior specimen, the runt, the abberration and it would serve me better to keep my fucking mouth shut lest I be scheduled to be "destroyed" like the rest of the useless, unwanted animals.

I literally flogged myself to make it stop and it would not stop. No mercy can be shown with a whore like me. It is not enough for me to self-induce floggings as punishment. I have to know with perfect clarity that once you get started, there is zero escape. Not even if I concede. Not even if I cocede and beg and generously exact your revenge. So it's probably best if I stay down and not succumb to those delusions that I have any right to stand up to you...that there is any way I can win if I've pissed you off.

So while beneath the surface, there is a contained rage at what I somtimes perceive as a great injustice, you should know the perception of injustice is beginning to decay. It was always prostrate, now it is compost. Fertile ground in which grows the tangled, impenetrable forest of my own ruin.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Bad navcat. Be nice to yourself.

[Freeky]

NAVKAT.     DON'T YOU BE SO DOWN ON YOURSELF.  You are one of the smartest, weirdest, funniest, strongest, most awesome people it's been my pleasure to say "I know this chick down in the south, she's amazing," about!  I know that because of what you went through, youre going to have a hard time believing, but it's true.  I promise.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Looks to me like it was somebody else who's fucked up and worthless. Never take a sociopath literally.

[navkat]

I'm just a mess of all these internalized messages. It's so bad that there's a truth to the fact that all these people I gave my love to all bounced as soon as I became problematic. It really just makes me feel so fucking low. Not fit for human company. A waste of sperm. I reach and smile and try to hang onto that impervious humor and then this voice says "Who are you kidding, you dumb cunt?"

I don't know if letting it explode here is good or not but it forces me to describe it candidly and then allows me to examine it critically when I'm not in that headspace.

I'm so fucking broken and I honestly don't know what good therapy's done me. Maybe I'm unfixable.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Again, Nav: FUCK people like that. We don't WANT them to like us.

What was it Dok used to say? "The scorn of the nazis is a badge of honor."

Your only mistake was getting trapped, and who the fuck teaches you how not to?
What sociopathic asswipe reveals himself before he's got you good and cornered?

It's OVER. You can probably see asswipes like this coming a mile away now and avoid them like plague.

[Doktor Howl]

Maybe I'm unfixable.

On the other hand, who wants to be fixed?

[navkat]

Maybe I'm unfixable.

On the other hand, who wants to be fixed?

Hi, I just came here from a thread wherein Nigel talks about over-abundant gender-reassignment so that sounded like an offer. Like "Who wants ice cream?"

[navkat]

You know, you'd think being fucked over would make a person savvy and sharp about recognizing bullshit.

NOT ME!

The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot, apparently.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You know, you'd think being fucked over would make a person savvy and sharp about recognizing bullshit.

NOT ME!

The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot, apparently.

Instead of telling yourself that, try a message that informs you in a way that is positive and constructive. Give yourself the message that helps you be what you want to become. Instead of "The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot", tell yourself "I used to be that way, but in the future, I am going to be more cautious, and protect myself from people who show warning signs". Tell yourself "I don't want to lick the boot that kicks me, and I won't do it". If you don't recognize warning signs, start consciously teaching them to yourself. Write them down.

And if you haven't read "The Gift of Fear" yet, READ IT.

You are your own best coach.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

I reach and smile and try to hang onto that impervious humor and then this voice says "Who are you kidding, you dumb cunt?"

I used to have a very similar problem, where one of the things I was suffering from was vicious self-talk like that. A particular thing that seemed to help immensely was to change it into the Cookie Monster's voice, or a highly melodramatic opera singer's voice, etc. Any tone that prevents you from taking it seriously.

I usually paired this with a sincere reminder to maintain compassion for people, which includes me.

Hope you feel better soon, Navkat.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

You know, you'd think being fucked over would make a person savvy and sharp about recognizing bullshit.

NOT ME!

The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot, apparently.

Instead of telling yourself that, try a message that informs you in a way that is positive and constructive. Give yourself the message that helps you be what you want to become. Instead of "The more someone kicks me in the teeth, the more I'm willing to lick the boot", tell yourself "I used to be that way, but in the future, I am going to be more cautious, and protect myself from people who show warning signs". Tell yourself "I don't want to lick the boot that kicks me, and I won't do it". If you don't recognize warning signs, start consciously teaching them to yourself. Write them down.

And if you haven't read "The Gift of Fear" yet, READ IT.

You are your own best coach.

Seconded, every bit of this. Really can't add anything except that you really DON'T like being kicked. Think about it. Just because there's been some pattern like that doesn't mean you WANT it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Survival-Signals-Protect-Violence/dp/0440508835/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334526497&sr=8-1

Buy it, borrow it, or download it. Just get it and read it. It's incredibly applicable to matters of personal boundaries and respecting your intuition.

I am going to hound you until you read it.

[navkat]

Gavin deBecker. I read it a long time ago. He talks about how people send out "satellites" when they're full of shit and other things. trust your instinct, the carjacker's reflection subconsciously detected in the rearview mirror and whatnot. I'm a fan.

The problem is: I hardcore don't trust my instinct because I've pretty much been programmed out of having one in a lot of interpersonal situations.

I always come off as being full of shit because I've been programmed since I was five to have a guilty conscience and I get flustered and always feel like I have to explain myself too much. Every time I've been stopped by police or at the border, I've drawn suspicion and had to be questioned further because I have ZERO sense of "Of course I'm not gonna have a problem, I'm innocent." I always talk in a way that comes off as "I'm trying to convince this guy I'm cool and I haven't done anything." I think this plays a large role in my ability to sense others' BS.

I have a numbed sense of fear too. I generally don't feel afraid in situations where I should. This works very well for me in scenarios where most people are panicking. I'm completely dissociated from any sense of fear until there's no imminent danger and so I'm usually the one figuring shit out fairly calmly. When it's all over, I have panic attacks in private. I've even had a gun in my face when I was 17 and had a severely delayed reaction. "This isn't really REAL." is how the mechanism works. Later, it comes together and hits me like a brick.

I don't know what to do about that. I know I at least have some instinct because I was able to sense and respond to a patient having a seizure in the back of my truck, even when the 20 year medic didn't believe it was happening because the 12-lead didn't indicate anything abnormal (even later when the pt's respirations hit the ceiling). I know I have that ability to say "Something ain't right here," and respond. I can do it with my son too.

I just can't do it to save my own ass. When I'm in it, I'm drowning in it and completely blind.

I think about this a lot. It's a problem I'd like to solve if I can. I thought therapy might work but my therapist refuses to see that I have any problems at all and I've spent the last few months talking about this stuff and being told that somewhere along the line, I got this erroneous idea in my head that I'm different than everyone else. I can't simply will my way into being this perfectly-functioning, whole human-being just by saying to myself "The idea that I'm dysfunctional is a lie and it doesn't exist."

VA doc. I wonder if she'd say the same to me if her livelihood depended on retaining patients. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't and a bad thing that her caseload is over-capacity.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Gavin deBecker. I read it a long time ago. He talks about how people send out "satellites" when they're full of shit and other things. trust your instinct, the carjacker's reflection subconsciously detected in the rearview mirror and whatnot. I'm a fan.

The problem is: I hardcore don't trust my instinct because I've pretty much been programmed out of having one in a lot of interpersonal situations.

I always come off as being full of shit because I've been programmed since I was five to have a guilty conscience and I get flustered and always feel like I have to explain myself too much. Every time I've been stopped by police or at the border, I've drawn suspicion and had to be questioned further because I have ZERO sense of "Of course I'm not gonna have a problem, I'm innocent." I always talk in a way that comes off as "I'm trying to convince this guy I'm cool and I haven't done anything." I think this plays a large role in my ability to sense others' BS.

I have a numbed sense of fear too. I generally don't feel afraid in situations where I should. This works very well for me in scenarios where most people are panicking. I'm completely dissociated from any sense of fear until there's no imminent danger and so I'm usually the one figuring shit out fairly calmly. When it's all over, I have panic attacks in private. I've even had a gun in my face when I was 17 and had a severely delayed reaction. "This isn't really REAL." is how the mechanism works. Later, it comes together and hits me like a brick.

I don't know what to do about that. I know I at least have some instinct because I was able to sense and respond to a patient having a seizure in the back of my truck, even when the 20 year medic didn't believe it was happening because the 12-lead didn't indicate anything abnormal (even later when the pt's respirations hit the ceiling). I know I have that ability to say "Something ain't right here," and respond. I can do it with my son too.

I just can't do it to save my own ass. When I'm in it, I'm drowning in it and completely blind.

I think about this a lot. It's a problem I'd like to solve if I can. I thought therapy might work but my therapist refuses to see that I have any problems at all and I've spent the last few months talking about this stuff and being told that somewhere along the line, I got this erroneous idea in my head that I'm different than everyone else. I can't simply will my way into being this perfectly-functioning, whole human-being just by saying to myself "The idea that I'm dysfunctional is a lie and it doesn't exist."

VA doc. I wonder if she'd say the same to me if her livelihood depended on retaining patients. It's probably a good thing that she doesn't and a bad thing that her caseload is over-capacity.

Your therapist is shitty and you need a different one.

You CAN regain that self-trust, and become more attuned to your fear and your instincts, but it's a lot harder to do on your own. It would help to have a good therapist who's on your side and trained in childhood traumas and PTSD.