News:

In my heart I knew that rotten testicles and inflamed penises were on the way.

Main Menu

Using Your New Herpaderp™

Started by Doktor Howl, April 23, 2012, 05:23:02 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 26, 2012, 04:29:18 PM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 03:11:58 PM
If YOU actually read carefully, this thread is about a fictional product which, if used regularly, will turn you into a stereotype of the Dumb American Blob.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Herpaderp™:  More effective than real products!

:lulz:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


navkat

Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 03:11:58 PM
If YOU actually read carefully, this thread is about a fictional product which, if used regularly, will turn you into a stereotype of the Dumb American Blob.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Dear Nigelco,

As you may remember, I contacted you several days ago with questions regarding your product, specifically, its possible effect on me; an already fed-up Citizen and PatriotTM who no longer has any illusions that either side of my two-party system is representing anyone but the outright plans for world-domination and our subsequent conversion from free men and women into electronically-controlled chattle whose purpose and survival are only to become servants to and as a power-source to keep the Global Corporate Aristocracy Complex running smoothly. It's well-known but perhaps ignored that we will become little more than cheaply-produced, generic disposable batteries in their Profitability Machine (as you can most likely guess, I'm going to be voting for Ron Paul again this term). I am dismayed at your lack of response.

I'm guessing that a device such as yours with the ability to "change minds" might be just the thing I seek. As aware and prepared as I already am, I still can't help but wonder what it is I still don't know. And of course, I feel constant frustration that I seem unable to switch on this awareness in others. I have tried to tell the truth to everyone I know and meet, from the nice young lady who is a hapless agent of The Complex at the bank where they unconstitutionally insist on sending my US Marines disability checks (cranial injury, first Gulf War under the Prescott Bush hegemony) to the staff and customers at Don's Gas and Feed (two towns over but they're the last fueling station that doesn't force me to put 10% Ethanol--a Government Corporate Complex conspiracy to kill my car and make me switch to one of their spy-bot "smart cars" within the next 5 years--into my well-oiled Plymouth Skylark). I have even prepared a small informational newsletter for my son's friends who come over to the house to take home to their parents. The secret to how to make people see constantly eludes me.

Aside from my first question about its possible effects on a mind such as mine: a truth-seeker, impervious to the typical lies they tell to distract the unaware from their plans, I would also like to know the following:
1. I'm assuming the device runs on a typical 12-v AC transformer. What, if any, are the threshhold voltages for the device and could these devices reasonably be expected to handle the current under a 6v regulation device (connected to an interrupt, of course)?

2. Is there a known potentiation or synergistic effect when several of the devices are used in conjunction with one another? For instance: assuming the radial coverage from center of a single unit is say, 18in--enough to create a comfortable bubble around a typical human--would the addition of a second unit result in a radius of 3ft? More? Or just a more intense 18in?

3. Likewise, if several bodies are under the influence of a single device, is the maximum potential reduced in proportion to the increased draw?

4. Do these things rely on a voluntary mental status for their efficiacy? I suspect they do not but just to be certain, if an unsuspecting body were to say, walk into the device's peak effect field, would they, themselves be affected?

5. What are your policies concerning reverse-enginering? Do I have to agree to a EULA to power on the device?

6. Do you accept Liberty Dollars? Or must I pay in fiat money?

7. Do you record and retain customer transaction data that may be subpoenad pursuant to Title II, section 215 of the USA Patriot Act?

Please reply as soon as possible. I would like to purchase a gross of these but we can not do business until I am fully informed of the specifications and terms under which we are conducting affairs.

Thank you,
Alias

Nephew Twiddleton

Durr Nigelco,

Ah'm tarred of votin' fur the wrong asshole. Whill Herpaderp make me vote for the raght asshole? Ah hafty no. Becuz Ah'm tarred of votin' fur the wrong asshole ruther than ther right asshole.

Sinsurly,
Twed
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

Quote from: navkat on April 26, 2012, 08:57:33 PM
Quote from: Nigel on April 26, 2012, 03:11:58 PM
If YOU actually read carefully, this thread is about a fictional product which, if used regularly, will turn you into a stereotype of the Dumb American Blob.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Dear Nigelco,

As you may remember, I contacted you several days ago with questions regarding your product, specifically, its possible effect on me; an already fed-up Citizen and PatriotTM who no longer has any illusions that either side of my two-party system is representing anyone but the outright plans for world-domination and our subsequent conversion from free men and women into electronically-controlled chattle whose purpose and survival are only to become servants to and as a power-source to keep the Global Corporate Aristocracy Complex running smoothly. It's well-known but perhaps ignored that we will become little more than cheaply-produced, generic disposable batteries in their Profitability Machine (as you can most likely guess, I'm going to be voting for Ron Paul again this term). I am dismayed at your lack of response.

I'm guessing that a device such as yours with the ability to "change minds" might be just the thing I seek. As aware and prepared as I already am, I still can't help but wonder what it is I still don't know. And of course, I feel constant frustration that I seem unable to switch on this awareness in others. I have tried to tell the truth to everyone I know and meet, from the nice young lady who is a hapless agent of The Complex at the bank where they unconstitutionally insist on sending my US Marines disability checks (cranial injury, first Gulf War under the Prescott Bush hegemony) to the staff and customers at Don's Gas and Feed (two towns over but they're the last fueling station that doesn't force me to put 10% Ethanol--a Government Corporate Complex conspiracy to kill my car and make me switch to one of their spy-bot "smart cars" within the next 5 years--into my well-oiled Plymouth Skylark). I have even prepared a small informational newsletter for my son's friends who come over to the house to take home to their parents. The secret to how to make people see constantly eludes me.

Aside from my first question about its possible effects on a mind such as mine: a truth-seeker, impervious to the typical lies they tell to distract the unaware from their plans, I would also like to know the following:
1. I'm assuming the device runs on a typical 12-v AC transformer. What, if any, are the threshhold voltages for the device and could these devices reasonably be expected to handle the current under a 6v regulation device (connected to an interrupt, of course)?

2. Is there a known potentiation or synergistic effect when several of the devices are used in conjunction with one another? For instance: assuming the radial coverage from center of a single unit is say, 18in--enough to create a comfortable bubble around a typical human--would the addition of a second unit result in a radius of 3ft? More? Or just a more intense 18in?

3. Likewise, if several bodies are under the influence of a single device, is the maximum potential reduced in proportion to the increased draw?

4. Do these things rely on a voluntary mental status for their efficiacy? I suspect they do not but just to be certain, if an unsuspecting body were to say, walk into the device's peak effect field, would they, themselves be affected?

5. What are your policies concerning reverse-enginering? Do I have to agree to a EULA to power on the device?

6. Do you accept Liberty Dollars? Or must I pay in fiat money?

7. Do you record and retain customer transaction data that may be subpoenad pursuant to Title II, section 215 of the USA Patriot Act?

Please reply as soon as possible. I would like to purchase a gross of these but we can not do business until I am fully informed of the specifications and terms under which we are conducting affairs.

Thank you,
Alias

I think I love you, navkat. That was brilliant.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

navkat

Why thank you! I'm glad it didn't slip by unappreciated. :)

NewSpag

Dear Nigelco,

When I first heard about your revolutionary new product I was skeptical at first.  But then I looked around and saw how great everyone else thought it was.  I figured everyone else can't be wrong, and shortly thereafter acquired my very own Herpaderp™.  It opened my eyes to just how great the world is.   On fict I jist begun reapling.  O csn fel bouth the Herp™ ind teh Derp™ flewing threw mi vaynes.  Tyme ta cuch op in al teh grate "Two & a Half Men" episodes I messed be4 I had this grate product.  Uh-oh, that didn't last long.  I must be building up a tolerance.  Off to the Wall-Mart for a Herpaderp™ refill pack.

Love,
Me
QuoteOne day I realized life was pointless.  I've been celebrating ever since.
Quote
There's beauty in everything so lets destroy it all together.
Sometimes Always is Never.  For everything else there's Mastercard.

Doktor Howl

Quote from: Insanity on April 30, 2012, 07:57:47 PM
Dear Nigelco,

When I first heard about your revolutionary new product I was skeptical at first.  But then I looked around and saw how great everyone else thought it was.  I figured everyone else can't be wrong, and shortly thereafter acquired my very own Herpaderp™.  It opened my eyes to just how great the world is.   On fict I jist begun reapling.  O csn fel bouth the Herp™ ind teh Derp™ flewing threw mi vaynes.  Tyme ta cuch op in al teh grate "Two & a Half Men" episodes I messed be4 I had this grate product.  Uh-oh, that didn't last long.  I must be building up a tolerance.  Off to the Wall-Mart for a Herpaderp™ refill pack.

Love,
Me

:potd:
Molon Lube

Lenin McCarthy

Dear Nigelco,

I am writing this to tell you about the late Fridtjof Gunvald Kyrkjebyrkjebakken, a Norwegian farmer who consumed, and had his livestock consume, your product HerpaderpTM extensively for a significant time period. A month ago, he started feeding HerpaderpTM to three of his goats . A couple of hours later, they fled Norway for the United States, where they now are among the leading candidates in the race for the Constitution Party presidential nomination. A few days later he decided to expand the use of HerpaderpTM to the rest of his livestock. His cows soon developed their own economic system based on hay, the so-called hay standard, and they soon all died of hunger because eating it was considered a waste of hay. The horses started an ex-ex-ex-gay clinic, where backsliding ex-gays are guided onto the right path. The hens started laying eggs with a shape remarkably similar to that of Mitt Romney's head, and finally the unmarried 56-year old farmer died yesterday, choking to death on his own drool upon seeing Ron Paul on TV.

Yours,
An anonymous neighbour

P.S. Is HerpaderpTM compatible with a fruitarian diet? I'd love to try out your product, but I don't want to compromise my diet doing so.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


tyrannosaurus vex

HAY HOW DOES THIS HERE THANG WERK?

oh.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞

P E R   A S P E R A   A D   A S T R A

tyrannosaurus vex

what it is man! how's the whatever it is i can ask about?
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞

Quote from: v3x on May 01, 2012, 01:10:50 AM
what it is man! how's the whatever it is i can ask about?

Good! Quite good. Glad to see you posting again.
P E R   A S P E R A   A D   A S T R A

navkat

*copy-pasted from the Nigelco Herpaderp Facebook wall*

Dear Nigelco,
This thing is stupid. I can't get it to work. All it does is make me want to check my facebook more and look at stupid shit on YouTube. I get a 10% employee discount at Game Stop so I get all the newest shit for all three systems before you script-kiddies even wake up in the morning and scratch your ass on 4Chan. You obviously don't know how to put out a halfway decent end-product or I'm just too smart for your shit. I just wasted the last $60 of my $250 employee credit-line buying this shit and I'm gonna have to pay it off before I can put the new Limited Edition BlackOps 4-pack controller set on there...unless they suddenly decide to give me a $200 credit increase at work, which I highly DOUBT.

You guys are niggers. I want my fuckin' money back.

-Josh

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: navkat on May 01, 2012, 01:52:41 AM
*copy-pasted from the Nigelco Herpaderp Facebook wall*

Dear Nigelco,
This thing is stupid. I can't get it to work. All it does is make me want to check my facebook more and look at stupid shit on YouTube. I get a 10% employee discount at Game Stop so I get all the newest shit for all three systems before you script-kiddies even wake up in the morning and scratch your ass on 4Chan. You obviously don't know how to put out a halfway decent end-product or I'm just too smart for your shit. I just wasted the last $60 of my $250 employee credit-line buying this shit and I'm gonna have to pay it off before I can put the new Limited Edition BlackOps 4-pack controller set on there...unless they suddenly decide to give me a $200 credit increase at work, which I highly DOUBT.

You guys are niggers. I want my fuckin' money back.

-Josh

:lulz: Brilliant.

And hi Vex!
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."