Twid writes your obituary

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Part of what I do at work is to see if our respondents have died or not. So I read my share of obituaries in a day (and try to figure out if it's the same person at all). It's occasionally morbid and bummer work (The worst I saw was yesterday: "[redacted]: [DOB]-[DOD] [redacted] was a resident of [redacted]. She was DOD minus DOB years old." That's it.) but it's also an occasionally, unintentionally, funny genre of writing. Volunteer, and I will ham up your life (and death) to celebrate your existence and its abrupt, and possibly, unseemly, end.

[Trivial]

HI, I'm a corporate IT drone in Iowa.  Kill me.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

DES MOINES, IOWA TRIVIAL, Mome Papess

Trivial's ticket was closed by the Admin on November 4, 2014, after a long, long, long, illness (specifically, Slipknot poisoning). She was 32 years old. Last year she tried making "being a jerk" her New Years resolution. Since the editor has not brushed her off as a complete asshole, she failed to do so, much to the chagrin of nobody. She leaves behind a sister in Tucson. Or rather, the sister in Tucson leaves the universe behind. Towards the end, she couldn't even calculus anymore, and was given towards verbing everything.

[Trivial]

Slipknot poisoning is a terrible illness.  A PSA should be written.

[Ben Shapiro]

I can't feel my left leg, and my ass is bleeding!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

HOUSTON, TEXAS MAN, Bear

Bear Man consumed the arms of our Lord and God on November 4, 2014 after multiple killer bee stings, surrounded by people who felt somewhat ambivalent about him, but not exactly at the moment of death, as they were all outside chainsmoking. A paragon of Texan conservativism and libertarianism, he will be missed by Houston Free Thinkers everywhere. He was preparing to eat all of the picnic baskets in Manchester, New Hampshire, with his mate, Jew Cat, whom he is survived by. An avid lover of old school NWOBHM, his memorial will be presided over by Rob Halford, who is a known aficionado of bears.

[Ben Shapiro]

<3 Twid

[Junkenstein]

 


You've probably got more material than you'll need for me.

[EK WAFFLR]

 

DO ME

[Nephew Twiddleton]

TIJUANA, BAJA CALIFORNIA STEIN, Junken

Election commissioner Stein was found with multiple gunshot wounds in a dumpster behind a local bar. Foul play is not suspected, especially not from Eater of Clowns. Señor Stein was a seeker after the second part of the joke and according to recent journal notes was closer to discovering it, after deciphering the true message behind the Mayan calendar. His loss it's a major blow to second part of the joke research, which may now never be found.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

OSLO, NORWAY IRON, Waffle

Princess Waffle Iron, distant cousin of the royal family, entered into eternal his eternal drinking and fighting in Valhalla, after talking an ill thought bet that he could shout louder than Heimdall's horn. Aside from prompting premature fears that Ragnarok had come, Waffles wad unable to collect his winnings, as Heimdall insisted that Odin would be ripshit if he left his post. Waffles leaves behind his beloved Julie, his puppy , and essentially everybody who had set foot in Norway.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Pick me!

[Doktor Howl]

I'm in.

[EK WAFFLR]

OSLO, NORWAY IRON, Waffle

Princess Waffle Iron, distant cousin of the royal family, entered into eternal his eternal drinking and fighting in Valhalla, after talking an ill thought bet that he could shout louder than Heimdall's horn. Aside from prompting premature fears that Ragnarok had come, Waffles wad unable to collect his winnings, as Heimdall insisted that Odin would be ripshit if he left his post. Waffles leaves behind his beloved Julie, his puppy , and essentially everybody who had set foot in Norway.

 

[Nephew Twiddleton]

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS PENNYSWORTH, Queen Gogira.

Gogira assumed her true form on November 5, 2014, when cultists finally learned her real name and were able to bring about her glorious ascension. The cocoon of her metamorphosis has been cast aside and she has begun to feed. It is reported that thousands of Bostonians have been united with the divine presence. The awaited Day of Transformation has arrived. Tremble, sons and daughters of the flesh.