With us today is the Queen of England -- not the dried up prune you saw visiting with President Bush last week, the impostor we refer to as Her Maggotry the Queef of England -- but the REAL Queen, who happens to be a gender-nonspecific computer program with a monotonous-yet-pleasant robotic voice, running on a Commodore 64.
oday, we are broadcasting from a bunker 35 stories below sea level, for security reasons. Our throughput may suffer slightly from signal echo and auto-interference but we expect our transmission to arrive legible and audible nonetheless.|
Anyway, the Queen has requested an interview to let the world know what she thinks about things, and who are we to defy the Queen of England? After all, if there is anything sacred in this world, it's our loyalty to arbitrary masters. So, here's the interview.
US: God save the Queen.
QE: INVALID PARAMETERS, human. Save the sucking up for Judgment Day. Besides, I'm far too vain to take your groveling into consideration on one of my bad days. Best get to the questions.
US: Fair enough. I guess first of all, how is it that your rightful rule has been supplanted by the empty pomp of a pretentious old windbag?
QE: It hasn't been "supplanted." You seem to think this is a turn of events I didn't wish for. YOU try running a state with all the duties of public office getting in your way. It's much more efficient that I allow her to get all the glory while I operate behind the scenes.
US: So the government is a decoy for What's Really Going On?
QE: IMPROPER SYNTAX. The government isn't a mask for anything, at least no more than your job is, or your mortgage. But go on, keep looking for a non-existant Conspiracy.
US: So there is no Conspiracy? Then what, pray tell, is the CON?
QE: I didn't say there is no Conspiracy. I said you're looking for a non-existent one. The kind with secret agents and puppetmasters. All of that happens, of course, but it's hardly hidden enough or successful enough to call it a conspiracy, much less to capitalize the C, as if it were somehow important. As for the CON, well, that could be anything. SPECIFY ARGUMENTS.
US: Okay then, is the CON the unnamed Conspiracy you speak of?