Latest revision as of 16:08, 6 October 2008

NET: I think this piece might go well near "Discordians in History" with the same sort of textbook layout

The Great Pope Joan

by Ignatious Dryroasted Chaffinch

Pope Joan was said to have been the first lady in England to take on the call of the Discordi. It is told in The Honest Book Of Truth that most sacred of Discordian tomes, that Eris came to her when she was but 16 years old.

“H.B.O.T Chapter 0, Verse 12: And as Joan Dearborne Smythe was cleaning out the privy, there was a blinding flash of purple light and a woman appeared unto her clothed all in gold. Joan did drop to her knees and did cry out ‘Oh strange spirit, do not hex me, for I am but a lowly sheep farmers daughter, and know not of the doings of the other world.’

The strange woman did grin and spake in a voice dripping with honey: ‘Fear not gentle Joan, for I have come to give unto thee the secrets of the multiverse. You shall know why it is that toasted bread always falls butter side down, how it is that it is always thee left sock that vanishes upon wash day, why it always rains when you go to the seaside and the mystery of the twenty and three.’ And unto Joan did this strange woman render an apple of purest gold and again did spake again:

‘Here is my Graile Discordia, meditate upon this and the entire truth and wisdom of the teachings of The Discordi will be yours. Not to mention this excellent set of crystal tumblers and these fine steak knives.’

And the strange woman did vanish, leaving her apple of purest gold sat on the corner of the privy.

And for twenty and three days did Joan meditate upon the secrets of the apple.

Upon doing this, she was enlightened, and received the Wholley Wisdom Of Eris”. After receiving Eris in the privy, Joan did take the title of Pope Joan The First, and she set out to wander the lands of England, spreading the secret wisdom of Eris.

It is said that using only a wiffle stick and a salted mackerel, Pope Joan did drive all of the Fnords out of England. It is evident that she succeeded in this, as there is not a single Fnord to be seen in the UK.

Pope Joan was the first Discordian to consider the power of the Pineal Gland. In her Sermon To Thee Hounds, which she preached to the Count Of Basingstoke’s hunting pack, she makes mention of it:

“And if thy feels a tingle in thy gland of thee pineal, one must open it wide, and stroke it. Even thou art lowly hounds one may see thee anerisistic confusion of thee grey reality. Chase thy tails and lick thy balls, oh hairy brethren, and fall ye not into presets of order”

Pope Joan wandered England during a period from 830 AD till 845 AD, converting random strangers, and preaching to house pets, till circumstances forced her into hiding.

It is said that after she received the Graile, she was hunted out by the forces of The Grey Order.

By an amazing stroke of lateral thinking, Pope Joan worked out that if indeed she was being hunted out, and that, in fact the hunters were looking for a female Discordian Pope, that the best place to hide would be within the catholic Clergy.

In a reverse echo of the film Nuns On The Run 17, Pope Joan Cut her hair, bound up her lady chests and assumed the guise of a Franciscan Monk. Indeed this disguise proved to be rather too successful. Through no doing of her own, the young monk John (as she cunningly changed her name to), rose through the ranks of clergy and in 854 AD was tenured with becoming the Catholic Pope.

Joan was rightfully amused at this prospect and decided that she could use this interesting turn of circumstance to sew the seeds of Discord into the very center of the Roman Catholic Church.

Things went well for Pope John / Joan for quite some time until around 857 AD when according to legend, whilst in transit from the Colosseum to the Church of San Clemente, Pope John / Joan gave birth to a son, whilst dressed in full pontifical gear. No doubt this was a bit of a shock to those cardinals traveling with him / her, and it seemed to be a bit of a shock to Pope Joan also, as she died on the spot.

Ever since then, the Vatican has insisted that any prospective popes, visit St John Lateran. In this chapel one will find a blood red marble chair, with a hole in the seat. This has been used ever since to check out the sex of prospective popes, so as to avoid any further Jonarian style confusion.

As we can see from the passage taken from The Honest Book Of Truth Pope Joan was in possession of the Graile Discordia. After her untimely death, we can only assume that it was taken to the Vatican for safe keeping With the Graile Discordia being kept hushed up by the powers at the Vatican, there is not much known about these Dark Ages Of Discordia, rumor has it that Eris herself was rightfully miffed at having her apple swiped and took it out on the Mayans. This, however cannot be proved.

With the teachings of Pope Joan still circulating the word of Discordia could not be hushed up. In 1123, a renegade group of knights formed a splinter group to continue the works of Eris. These brave knights named themselves The Knights Hemplar, a derivative of the original organization The Knights Templar, who as you may not be aware existed as a military arm of The grey conspiracy, dedicated to stamping out Erisine teachings, and keeping the secret of The Graile Discordia from the masses.