The Great Pope Joan

by Ignatious Dryroasted Chaffinch

Pope Joan was said to have been the first lady in England to take on the call of the Discordi. It is told in The Honest Book Of Truth that most sacred of Discordian tomes, that Eris came to her when she was but 16 years old.

“H.B.O.T Chapter 0, Verse 12: And as Joan Dearborne Smythe was cleaning out the privy, there was a blinding flash of purple light and a woman appeared unto her clothed all in gold. Joan did drop to her knees and did cry out ‘Oh strange spirit, do not hex me, for I am but a lowly sheep farmers daughter, and know not of the doings of the other world.’

The strange woman did grin and spake in a voice dripping with honey: ‘Fear not gentle Joan, for I have come to give unto thee the secrets of the multiverse. You shall know why it is that toasted bread always falls butter side down, how it is that it is always thee left sock that vanishes upon wash day, why it always rains when you go to the seaside and the mystery of the twenty and three.’ And unto Joan did this strange woman render an apple of purest gold and again did spake again:

‘Here is my Graile Discordia, meditate upon this and the entire truth and wisdom of the teachings of The Discordi will be yours. Not to mention this excellent set of crystal tumblers and these fine steak knives.’

And the strange woman did vanish, leaving her apple of purest gold sat on the

corner of the privy.

And for twenty and three days did Joan meditate upon the secrets of the apple.

Upon doing this, she was enlightened, and received the Wholley Wisdom Of Eris”

After receiving Eris in the privy, Joan did take the title of Pope Joan The

First, and she set out to wander the lands of England, spreading the secret

wisdom of Eris

It is said that using only a wiffle stick and a salted mackerel, Pope Joan did

drive all of the Fnords out of England. It is self evident that she succeeded in

this, as there is not a single Fnord to be seen, nowadays in the UK.

Pope Joan was the first Discordian to consider the power of the Pineal

Gland. In her Sermon To Thee Hounds, which she preached to the Count Of

Basingstoke’s hunting pack, she makes mention of it:

“And if thy feels a tingle in thy gland of thee pineal, one must open it wide, and

stroke it. Even thou art lowly hounds one may see thee anerisistic confusion of

thee grey reality. Chase thy tails and lick thy balls, oh hairy brethren, and fall ye

not into presets of order”

Pope Joan wandered England during a period from 830 AD till 845 AD,

converting random strangers, and preaching to house pets, till circumstances

forced her into hiding.

It is said that after she received the Graile, she was hunted out by the forces

of The Grey Order.

By an amazing stroke of lateral thinking, Pope Joan worked out that if

indeed she was being hunted out, and that, in fact the hunters were looking

for a female Discordian Pope, that the best place to hide would be within the

catholic Clergy.

In a reverse echo of the film Nuns On The Run 17, Pope Joan Cut her hair,

bound up her lady chests and assumed the guise of a Franciscan Monk.

Indeed this disguise proved to be rather too successful. Through no doing of

her own, the young monk John (as she cunningly changed her name to), rose

through the ranks of clergy and in 854 AD was tenured with becoming the

Catholic Pope.

Joan was rightfully amused at this prospect and decided that she could use

this interesting turn of circumstance to sew the seeds of Discord into the

very center of the Roman Catholic Church.

Things went well for Pope John / Joan for quite some time until around 857

AD when according to legend, whilst in transit from the Colosseum to the

Church of San Clemente, Pope John / Joan gave birth to a son, whilst

dressed in full pontifical gear. No doubt this was a bit of a shock to those

cardinals traveling with him / her, and it seemed to be a bit of a shock to

Pope Joan also, as she died on the spot.

Ever since then, the Vatican has insisted that any prospective popes, visit St

John Lateran. In this chapel one will find a blood red marble chair, with a

hole in the seat. This has been used ever since to check out the sex of

prospective popes, so as to avoid any further Jonarian style confusion.

As we can see from the passage taken from The Honest Book Of Truth Pope

Joan was in position of the Graile Discordia. After her untimely death, we

can only assume that it was taken to the Vatican for safe keeping

With the Graile Discordia being kept hushed up by the powers at the

Vatican, there is not much known about these Dark Ages Of Discordia,

rumor has it that Eris herself was rightfully miffed at having her apple

swiped and took it out on the Mayans. This, however cannot be proved.

With the teachings of Pope Joan still circulating the word of Discordia could

not be hushed up. In 1123, a renegade group of knights formed a splinter

group to continue the works of Eris. These brave knights named themselves

The Knights Hemplar, a derivative of the original organization The Knights

Templar, who as you may not be aware existed as a military arm of The grey

conspiracy, dedicated to stamping out Erisine teachings, and keeping the

secret of The Graile Discordia from the masses.