Topics

1

Apple Zone / NYC = Bollocks

« on: May 08, 2013, 03:49:45 am »

A rant about one man's quest to find a fucking cup of coffee in New York at 11:30 PM.

So I'm in NYC. PARTYING HARD, naturally. This is the BIG APPLE. The City that Never Sleeps. Oh, shit look at the time. 11:30 PM! I better refuel so I can keep Never Sleeping and all. How about some coffee! I'll just go whip some up in the hotel room.

Oh fuck! This hotel room features literally ZERO coffee makers! That's weird, because every god damn hotel room I've ever stayed in, even in shitty podunk places in god-forsaken Wyoming have coffee makers. Oh well, there must be some brewing downstairs.

Oh wait! I forgot, this hotel isn't any normal hotel. This place seems to think it's a fucking night club. Some rip-off of Ace of Base is attacking me in the elevator, and when I get downstairs I remember that there is no coffee up in this biotch at all. It's fucking wall-to-wall hipsters. Coffee is for corporate STOOGES, man. I'm supposed to go into one of the three or so built-in scene bars here, mingle with these bespectacled, fedora-clad fucksticks with elbow patches, smell their shitty cologne, and pay $27 for a weak ass, non-coffee-based mixed drink so I can look like I was drinking shitty alcohol before it was even cool.

Well... fuck that. I'm going outside. This is the City that Never Sleeps. I'll just go find a Starbucks. Fuck you, hipsters.

Hmm. Three blocks down and counting. I've passed no fewer than 5 Starbucks now, along with a 2,000 or so other shops, and apparently not only does New York, in fact, sleep, it  at passes out behind the wheel at like 7 god-damn PM. And I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. It's 11:30 PM on a Tuesday, and I'd like a cup of coffee. How fucking WEIRD, I guess.

What the fuck kind of international city closes all the coffee shops at 10PM. The fucked up kind, that's what. You people need to take a few cues from real towns like Tokyo and Tucson, where no matter what else may or may not be going down, you can always find a fucking cup of joe.

2

Apple Zone / Liveblogging the Clusterfuck at Work

« on: April 24, 2013, 06:02:45 pm »

6:38 AM: Woke up 7 minutes before the alarm goes off. Awesome! As a reward, I will allow myself to sleep until that alarm rings.

7:53 AM: Woke up again. Shit, supposed to be at work by 8. Fuck.

7:57 AM: Hotel lobby. Of course there's a line at the coffee machine. Oh well, I'm going to be late anyway, fuck it I'll wait.

8:05 AM: Ran down the stairs, swiped the MetroCard 6 times (oh good, looks like it's gonna be a banner day for technology!) and arrived at the platform in time to catch a glimpse of the train as it disappeared down the tunnel. Another 5 minute wait, oh well.

8:10 AM: Coffee on pants. Eh. Whatever.

8:25 AM: Arrive at the office. People are running around yelling and waving their arms, like one of those Simpsons episodes where they run out of ideas halfway through the script. "NETWORK IS DOWN OMG WHAT WILL WE DO!?" Nevermind that I informed them the network would be down until at least 8:45 this morning. Everything is on schedule despite my sleeping late... but these people do not seem to notice.

9:07 AM: Network finally back online. GO GO GO! Hit the spreadsheets, everyone! I'm going to find a Starbucks.

9:30 AM: CEO says "ARRGH WHAT ABOUT MY PRINTER?" It doesn't work with the new system, I'm sorry you're inconvenienced. I'll go downstairs and buy one at Staples.

9:35 AM: Staples does not sell printers at this location. Walking to nearest suitable store.

10:00 AM: Arrived back at the office with the new printer. Replace old printer. Set up new one. Fuck with network wires and find THIS behind the CEO's desk:

Well, looks like I found out why this place is plagued with so many issues...

10:30 AM: [Warning: technical] The Juniper guy says he's ready to apply the new network configuration so IP phones will work. Okay, I say, go ahead and do it. Five seconds later the whole network goes dark and there's a throng of angry villagers outside the server room door with pitchforks and torches, crying out for someone's head. I try to hold them off, but I can't. I throw the intern at them and let them work him over for a while, as I curse the Juniper guy over a staticky cell phone connection. He doesn't seem to understand that in a network, there are "routers" and "switches" for a reason. Routers route, and switches switch. He wants to make the switch do the routing. I call him a filthy carpetbagger from Texas, tell him to pack up his Trans-Am and go back to the trailer park where nobody cares about the proper way to build a network. He ends the phone call politely.

12:00 PM: Fuck this, the network is still down, but it's lunch time. This company needs to know what it means to be owned by a rag-tag bunch of ex-educators from Arizona, and they'll never be properly familiarized if we don't inconvenience them.

I am surrounded by imbeciles.

It's too early to start drinking.

....

3

Apple Zone / PARENTING

« on: April 03, 2013, 11:12:03 pm »

Most of the time, I feel like I should rate "fair to average" in the "Parenting Skills" category. I mean, I play with my kids, I try to help them maintain their innocence and wonder, I try to teach them awesome science whenever possible, but I also snap and bark at them like the idiot monkey I am, sometimes when I play with them I'm doing it out of obligation and not because I really want to, and in general I am consciously aware of a few things I could and should improve about my parenting, so there must be quite a few things I'm failing at and don't realize.

So, given that, I would expect my kids to be "fair to average" in the smarts-and-behavior category, but that isn't what happens. Compared to the 10 or so neighborhood kids that are always breezing through our house (apparently ours is the only kid-friendly house out of all of them), my two children are light years ahead of the rest in just about every category. This makes me wonder:

IF I CAN DO IT, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE REST OF THESE PARENTS OUT THERE?

I mean, how motherfucking hard is it to raise kids who
- Don't steal things
- Don't lie
- Get to eat reasonably healthy food at reasonably predictable intervals*
- Know how to share while also respecting the property of others
- Don't play the "do it my way or I'm going home" game
- etc.

I am not a rock star, and neither is my wife. We don't make a ton of money. We don't hire nannies and tutors. We just understand how to put the kids' needs ahead of our own desires, which seems to be a skill nobody knows anymore. What I don't understand is nobody taught us that skill -- not our parents, not the schools -- it just seems to be the natural order of things, so it doesn't seem like that much of a sacrifice. But if WE can do this, 90% by instinct and the other 10% by failing hard the first time and trying a different approach, why are we in what appears to be such a tiny minority of parents?

But these other kids who come over here, apparently at their houses, they never eat anything, they aren't expected to be civilized, they can take things without asking, they prefer to scream and kick and punch rather than discuss things, and yet their parents are "strict" and "don't allow us to do nothing." I don't understand.




* Seriously, my kids' doctor was actually surprised at their recent check-up that neither of them were anemic. Apparently, being anemic due to under-eating in general or overeating junk food is now considered "average." WHAT THE FUCK AMERICA?

4

Apple Zone / So I've been listening to Slayer recently

« on: March 22, 2013, 03:27:10 pm »

And there are a few points I'd like to make with regards to STICKING IT TO THE MAN™.


When you go out there and you don't take any shit, don't succumb to the temptation that you're being an "asshole." Remember, folks, those fuckers started the war. Every weird, disobedient act; every word you say or write that flies in the face of the Status Quo; is retaliation, not just "rocking the boat."

You can't walk down the street without being stuck in a photo or video at least five times.

You can't find a job doing what you love, if you expect to be anything but broke most of the time.

You can't drive on the highways without some goose-stepping bag of dicks making sure you're supposed to be.

You can't SPEAK UP.

You can't ACT OUT.

You can't clothe or feed yourself without benefiting DIRECTLY FROM ACTUAL HONEST-TO-FUCK SLAVERY.

You can't be YOURSELF, unless you define yourself by what you see on the TEEVEE or in the movies.

You can't RAISE A GOD DAMNED RUCKUS, even way out in the desert with nobody around, without risking incarceration.

You think this is the way things are supposed to be? NO? Did YOU make things this way? NO? So don't fall into the trap of thinking YOU'RE the one who's out of line when you do any of these things ANYWAY.

If this is a war, it's THEIR WAR. If this is a crime, it's THEIR CRIME. If this is a revolution, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO STARTED IT.

5

Apple Zone / ITT: LMNO has inspired me (shameless schtick-stealing)

« on: March 15, 2013, 06:09:01 pm »

GENESIS 1

Prior to and in anticipation of present market opportunities, the Chief Executive designed a universal system by which both celestial and terrestrial holdings should operate. At that time, this system had not yet been fully realized, lacking both clear definition and direction, but the Chief Executive was fully committed to seeing the project through.

Persuant to the Original Charter, the Chief Executive issued a companywide memorandum establishing the policy of illumination, and the Company achieved positive first-quarter illumination results. The Chief Executive inspected the progress, approved it, and set forth operating rules governing the traversal from illumination to de-illumination and back again. This was the first Work Day.

On the second day, the Chief Executive issued a memorandum establishing a division between the liquid assets of the Employees and the liquid assets of the Executive Team. The Chief Executive called this division "The Corporate Hierarchy." And then the Chief Executive structured the liquid assets of the Employees such that they constituted a single pool, and aroud this pool were established a bank of cubicles and conference rooms. The pool of liquid assets were called the "Compensation Package," and the cubicles and conference rooms were called "Production."

On the third day of the Original Charter, the Chief Exeutive provided the Production department with dry erase boards and markers, legal tablets, cheap pens, warehouses full of copy paper, printers, and staplers.

On the fourth day, the Chief Executive sent out a team who installed flourescent lighting above the cubicles, which were to be switched on at 0600 sharp every day, so that the employees could produce.

On the fifth day, the Chief Executive began the hiring process to populate the Production department. Titles were created for every position: secretaries, concept coaches, and an array of project organizers and product owners. The Accountanting Department was created to oversee the Compensation Package.

Then, on the sixth day, the Chief Executive issued Memorandum 00764, saying "Let us create Middle Management: let the Middle Managers follow the Executive Dress Code; let them have dominion over as little as possible, zero advancement opportunity, and a larger than reasonable share of perceived responsibility for the health of the Company." And, so, Middle Management was created, and the Chief Executve held a Management Meeting and announced the first Weekend, which was to be a day of rest and respite. Naturally, all Employees and the Middle Management Team were expected to be at the office half an hour early to prepare for and maintain the forward momentum of the Company's plan to enhance the deliverability of its core product line.

On the seventh day, the Chief Executive played golf.

6

Aneristic Illusions / well, that's it for me.

« on: March 01, 2013, 11:44:06 pm »

Yes! That's what it looks like. The White House is now its very own Shitty Internet Meme machine. I'm used to seeing this for TV shows going down the shitter, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given that politics in America (and throughout the rest of the world for that matter) is not only full of bad acting and bad writing, but has apparently entered syndication as reruns.

While throngs of basement-dwelling science fiction nerds everywhere are hiding their faces in their stormtrooper helmets and shitting frustration all over the Internet at Obama's mix up of two sci-fi religions, the White House public relations department has decided that HAHA LET'S MAKE IT A JOKE LOL is good policy. Now, politically, I don't really know if it's good policy or not. Maybe it is. Maybe they'll score a couple of points among the "Maybe I'll vote for Hillary instead of Darth Vader as usual in 2016" demographic. Maybe not.

Either way what we have here is flagrant boasting that the capacity of the Internet to mock and deride our insufferable leaders in humorous format is no longer a threat, if it ever was one. These assholes now speak the native language of the average Internet cynic. They've cracked the code. I'd say that, based on the fact that it is not in fact funny or clever at all, there is still a chance. But no, all of the comments accompanying this image are, of course, completely along the lines of "Shut up you liberal stooge" and "Republicans just want poor people to pay for the lifestyle of the rich." So, mission accomplished, I guess.

COUNTRY OVER, INTERNET OVER.

7

Aneristic Illusions / ITT, Vex rules on SCOTUS cases so those nine useless fucks in DC don't have to.

« on: February 27, 2013, 04:01:16 pm »

CASE #1: SHELBY COUNTY, ALABAMA v. ERIC HOLDER, JR., ATTORNEY GENERAL
Link: http://www.supremecourt.gov/Search.aspx?FileName=/docketfiles/12-96.htm

SUMMARY:

Shelby County, Alabama, would like SCOTUS to scrap a provision of the Civil Rights Act of 1965 which requires jurisdictions with a history of institutional racial discrimination to submit all changes to voting laws and district boundaries to the US Department of Justice for approval.

PLAINTIFF: BACKWOODS HICKS AND HILLBILLIES OF ALABAMA, ET. AL.
DEFENDANT: RATIONAL BIPEDS TRYING TO GET YOU DICKS TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM

COURT'S DECISION FOLLOWS

The Court finds that this suit is kind of ridiculous. Alabama's argument is well summarized by their closing argument, which the Court quotes below:

"We done real good lately, y'all. It's high time we put this hootin' and hollerin' back yonder where it belongs in the Hist'ry Books, an' git on with Der Future! Please don't make us talk to no more fancy Yankees from up North, 'bout our own internal-like affairs and such. We admit we done did a bad thang back in the 60s and whatever, but ain't nobody down here done nothin' wrong in a long time and we think we deserve congratulations, not no more o' you steerin' down yer noses at us. It's uncivilizedlike and a violation of our State Sovereignty, and robs us of our nat'ral Southern Charm and Dignity."

Allowing for the fact that most Alabama lawyers are toothless and illiterate, the Court finds this argument surprisingly succinct and and eloquent. However, it must be noted that the Civil Rights Act of 1965 already has a provision for removing a jurisdiction from the watchful eye of the Justice Department. All such a jurisdiction must do is show for 10 years that they have not engaged in racially discriminatory behavior when drawing district boundaries or enacting or enforcing laws which apply to voting, voter registration, or other participation in the voting system. This is reasonable, since in a 10 year span there are usually no more than SIX years where voting actually takes place, and sometimes FOUR years. So, asking a jurisdiction to put on a good show for an average of HALF THE TIME isn't really asking a lot.

Also, the Court notes that Shelby County is asking the Court to invalidate this provision on grounds that it is Unconstitutional -- indeed the Court has no other authority over laws -- but Shelby County is not arguing that the law is unconstitutional, only that it is "outdated" and that they have "outgrown" their need to be watched by the Federal Government. Well, Alabama may or may not be aware of this, but the government already has an institution designed specifically to deal with the problem of outdated laws: THE FUCKING LEGISLATURE.

It is therefore the view of this Court that Shelby County is only trying to do an end-run around the proper system for achieving what they want, since if they asked lawmakers to change the law on their behalf, they'd have to make a more public case for it. And anyone involved in that process would say "LOL SHELBY COUNTY ALABAMA IS SO OVER RACISM, UH-HUH" and their efforts would be in vain.

In view of these findings, the Court hereby decrees that not only shall the Civil Rights Act of 1965 be maintained in its current form, but that all the provisions of Reconstruction which were in effect from 1865 until 1877 shall be indefinitely reactivated in the entire State of Alabama.

ANYONE ELSE WANT TO TRY?

XOXOXOXOX
SCOTUS

8

Apple Zone / ALTERNATIVE CURRENCY: THE FUCK

« on: February 26, 2013, 11:27:59 pm »

SELF-EXPLANATORY.

9

Aneristic Illusions / meandering thoughts about the state of government in america

« on: February 21, 2013, 08:15:58 pm »

1. Fuck government agencies and services that refer to me as a "Customer" or a "Client." Fuck you. I am not a customer, and you are not a business. This kind of shit is perverse. It leads to people thinking that government should be run like a business, which is bullshit. And it removes a person's sense of civic duty and participation. If I'm just a "Customer," then the only time I should be interested in what the government is doing is when I am buying something from it, and that's also bullshit.

2. For fuck's sake, would the politicians please get a grip on themselves? Look, I understand that being reelected is the only thing they're concerned about. Fixing big problems is risky, and it's hard work, and the political class has evolved a genetic aversion to doing anything difficult. But if they're going to beat around the bush on every little god damned thing, they could at least try to hide the pageantry and posturing.

3. Sheriff Joe Arpaio. That's all.

4. Arizona's state legislature is trying to craft a bill that would throw federal officials in jail for trying to enforce any kind of gun control legislation within AZ borders. Because "State Sovereignty," of course. 10th AMENDMENT! RAH! But they are also wringing their hands and scouring through piles of legal books and judicial precedent, trying to discover new and interesting ways to acquiesce to more and more obscure federal authority on the subject of medical marijuana. Which is weird, because I thought they believed in state sovereignty. Huh.

5. Why is the Full Faith and Credit clause not applicable to marriage rights? I'm sure there's a train full of reasons, but it smells like bullshit to me.

10

Apple Zone / bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt #44

« on: January 29, 2013, 07:30:25 pm »

HEY.
YOU.
I know something you don't know.

Want to know what it is?

It's TOP SECRET. They don't trust you with it.

But I do.
I'd trust you with anything.

Who am I?
That doesn't really matter, does it?

I mean, who are you?

You're NOBODY.
That's who you are.

Me? I'm everything that has ever happened. I'm four billion years of biological evolution on this planet. I'm everything your parents ever told you to scare you straight. I'm a long succession of self-obsessed politicians and megalomaniac rulers. I'm the Holocaust and everything unfair that ever happened to anyone.

I'm your dreams.

I'm unicorns.

I'm whatever keeps you from driving off the I-19 interchange on your way to work, just to see if you could take any of those dumb fuckers with you when you go.

I am every single lingering moment that has ever been etched into the surface of this dying marble you call a planet.

I AM THE COSMOS.

And I have something to give you, because I'm done with it now.

I've spent eons orchestrating every God-damned little nuance in this trainwreck of a universe, and I'm out of ideas.

So here. Take it.
TAKE THE NEXT MOMENT IN HISTORY.
You decide what to do with it.

11

Apple Zone / I really want to assimilate.

« on: December 07, 2012, 02:20:28 am »

Fighting the Man™ is hard work. It's thirsty work, too, and my liver has had enough abuse, thank you very much. It's time-consuming. And these days, who the hell has time to stand out? Work, food, sleep, work, food, sleep, it goes on and on. It's hard enough to find time for Slack, let alone fighting the power. I'm busy. I'm old. I'm tired. I just want to fade out and blend in, man. I tuned in. I dropped out. I built a wall between me and everything I could reach. And I want back in, God dammit. I just want to go with the flow.

There's just one problem.

I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THESE APES. I'm talking to you, you ignorant fuck who holds your cell phone like it's a walkie-talkie. FUCK YOU. That isn't how you use that overpriced piece of modern convenience. It's a fucking phone. Hold it like one.

And wipe that dumb-shit grin off your face, you smarmy modern-age snake-oil pushing fuckbucket. Stop calling me a "healthcare consumer." I am not in the healthcare market looking for deals, you ass. I'm a human being with hypertension and I deserve pills, because I'm a fucking time bomb, and you're not helping with your corporate-speak growing all over my language.

The same goes for all those chimps trying to sell me absolutely nothing at all, and calling it a "product." Even athletes call their performance "our product." Fuck you. A product is a thing. It fits in a box, and it's on sale through next Thursday. What YOU sell is entertainment, or maybe financial chicanery. Not products. Products are built by people, and then they get sold, and then they last a while. They can even be resold, sometimes for a profit.

I wish I could quiet down and sit in my spot like a good monkey. I really, really want to. I don't want to fight. But you knobs aren't making that very easy, are you? No. You're not. There's a fundamental disconnect between me and you. I'm incompatible with the operating system your fucked up society is running. I'm like a Commodore 64 game trying to fit into your CD-ROM. I don't compute for you, and you don't compute for me.

So I have no choice, do I? And that's ironic, given that our modern age is defined by nothing, if not the appearance of ten thousand choices competing for my attention. It's even more ironic given that all I ever wanted was one thing: A quiet life, free from assholes. And wouldn't you know, that's the one thing I never see a fucking commercial for.

12

Apple Zone / I HAVE TO SPEND THE NEXT 8-10 HOURS AT A SNOOTY SOCIAL FUNCTION

« on: November 09, 2012, 03:34:25 pm »

It's full of Romney supporters who also work in public education (which is oxymoronic, but don't let that stop them). My job is to take the blame for any technical issues.

This is going to be a fun day for me.

13

Apple Zone / OW MY HEAD

« on: November 04, 2012, 05:05:07 pm »

So there is this guy named Cookie, and he has a talent. A gift, really. He is a practitioner of some kind of horrible black magic whereby he can take a train wreck and dissolve it into some watermelon juice. And it tastes perfectly harmless. It is not harmless. It crushes your soul.

Happy birthday Roger!

14

Apple Zone / Flouncebook

« on: November 02, 2012, 11:46:28 pm »

Please sign your name, noting the date and time, in this thread when you flounce. Also, if you un-flounce, please check back in here. This will help us keep track.

15

Propaganda Depository / Please direct all government correspondence to

« on: November 01, 2012, 03:42:51 am »

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