« on: May 08, 2013, 03:49:45 am »
A rant about one man's quest to find a fucking cup of coffee in New York at 11:30 PM.
So I'm in NYC. PARTYING HARD, naturally. This is the BIG APPLE. The City that Never Sleeps. Oh, shit look at the time. 11:30 PM! I better refuel so I can keep Never Sleeping and all. How about some coffee! I'll just go whip some up in the hotel room.
Oh fuck! This hotel room features literally ZERO coffee makers! That's weird, because every god damn hotel room I've ever stayed in, even in shitty podunk places in god-forsaken Wyoming have coffee makers. Oh well, there must be some brewing downstairs.
Oh wait! I forgot, this hotel isn't any normal hotel. This place seems to think it's a fucking night club. Some rip-off of Ace of Base is attacking me in the elevator, and when I get downstairs I remember that there is no coffee up in this biotch at all. It's fucking wall-to-wall hipsters. Coffee is for corporate STOOGES, man. I'm supposed to go into one of the three or so built-in scene bars here, mingle with these bespectacled, fedora-clad fucksticks with elbow patches, smell their shitty cologne, and pay $27 for a weak ass, non-coffee-based mixed drink so I can look like I was drinking shitty alcohol before it was even cool.
Well... fuck that. I'm going outside. This is the City that Never Sleeps. I'll just go find a Starbucks. Fuck you, hipsters.
Hmm. Three blocks down and counting. I've passed no fewer than 5 Starbucks now, along with a 2,000 or so other shops, and apparently not only does New York, in fact, sleep, it at passes out behind the wheel at like 7 god-damn PM. And I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. It's 11:30 PM on a Tuesday, and I'd like a cup of coffee. How fucking WEIRD, I guess.
What the fuck kind of international city closes all the coffee shops at 10PM. The fucked up kind, that's what. You people need to take a few cues from real towns like Tokyo and Tucson, where no matter what else may or may not be going down, you can always find a fucking cup of joe.