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Messages - V3X

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Yeah, as a general rule, for every task machines simplify, there are 3 we as a species forget how to do.

Life runs in fractals, and it all seems to change color and shape at the same time, like a kaleidoscope. Right now, civilization is on a trip that's all about wasting as much as possible as fast as possible, because pretty soon everything's gonna run out and there won't be anything left to waste. It's the responsible thing to do.

I'd add my recent experience with the good people of Southwest Airlines, but I don't want to butt in on a good series.

Has anyone made a corporatese generator yet?

Yeah like 30+ years ago.

His name is V3x.

Don't make me leverage your asset units.

This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.
They also do it to avoid committing to anything. I asked a manager a yes/no question.
I got a 15 minute spiel about levering opportunities that had nothing to do with the question. I asked again, he got visibly flustered and gave the same waffle. Eventually I just had to walk away.

At this juncture our primary focus is to effectively pin down the definitions of our goals so we are better able to gain a widespread acceptance of our mission.

This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.


That was great!  You have restored my faith in the ability of doublespeak and jargon to cover all ills and make em sound pretty.

How about

"Go fuck yourself. I told you to tell that vendor not to arrive until after the morning deliveries are done at 11:30. Now I'm blocked into the lot by her van and the boss takes his sweet time schmoozing the pretty ones over lunch."

Now would be an opportune time for you to engage in a self-actualizing autocoital exercise. As we discussed at our previous meeting, the 3rd-party vendor should have been instructed to postpone his arrival until after the already established time of morning deliveries. As a result of this oversight, the parking lot arrangement has negatively impacted my personal conveyance's range of momentum, and we will have to operate under these conditions while the Director bolsters company relations with prospective secretaries over lunch.

This is great!  :lulz:

"I just met this chick in a bar last night. She dragged me back to her place, snorted blow off my forehead, popped a viagra in my mouth, and nearly killed me with the sexual. While I was recovering and she was in the john her cell started ringing. I glanced at it. Name said PaPa Sugarcane, but the number was the Director's office number. I double checked to be sure and got the fuck out! He wasn't in today."

(I know it's a lot, and I have complete faith in your documented ability to proforma motivate in tandem with swift rising, asymetrical market demands! Your achievement is my goal.)
At a privately-operated imbibement center overnight I established networking ties with a representative of the opposite gender department. After exchanging contact information and resumes, she proceeded to consume a first-order tropane alkaloid from my glabella, administered a dose of sildenafil orally, and then we actualized an anatomical transfer give and take session which nearly resulted in complete biological incapacitance. Afterward as the distinguished representative was consuming lavatory services and I was recharging for further research, I noticed her cell phone ringing. Upon closer inspection the Caller ID alluded to one "PaPa Sugarcane." Curiously, however, the telephone number displayed matched that of the Director's office phone. After confirming this actuality, I made the executive decision that it would be best to immediately separate myself from the situation and did so. Today, the Director does not appear to be in the office.

Thank you Vex, a meeting I've got on Monday should be quite entertaining.
Report back with your progress! :lulz:

Oh, I'll probably need:

"I am going to have you beaten by goons"

"Large goons"

"With hammers"


Market realities might dictate that we invest in muscle-based policy enforcement.
The Contractors brought on board to help with this process are physically imposing.
They will also be bringing to the team their considerable expertise in osteo-breakdown tools.

"I need time off to go for an interview for a better job"
I would like to formally submit a request for a brief but justified absence this afternoon in order to pursue activities related my professional development.
"You are clearly incompetent yet earn 5 times what I do. I am considering having you beaten by goons"
If you review the attached presentation, you may find it in the best interest of our Department to invest in protective facegear for all management staff.
"You have no choice in this because of the realities of law and business you blithering simpleton"
We seek to assure you that events will transpire in strict alignment with all previously agreed-to conditions. If you would like to discuss the matter in greater detail, please consult our Defenestration Department on floor 16B.
"Pay me money or I will call the regulatory authority"
My conduct and communications on this matter are strictly bound both by the applicable legal framework and by the compensatory dedication which binds me to my position.
"I am not planning or doing anything suspicious"
I have taken no counter-cooperative action and seek only to bolster our common benefit in all circumstances.

Shut the fuck up before I start stabbing until one of us is dead.

Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.

"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"
A net-negative cashflow in the near term can actually result in surprisingly strong financial outcomes in mid- to long-term cycles, when the investment is made to encourage effort-neutral contributions from otherwise underperforming business units.

"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"
In keeping with our Core Values Statement, remember to pool all assets in the receptacle provided, then align all efforts into an about-facing pattern while enumerating mathematical units into the triple digits.

I want to work less hours for the same amount of  money.

Recent surveys of top-grade performers have shown that it often makes excellent business sense to foster an environment where compensation is based on big-picture participation in and contribution to the work product rather than detail-attentive dynamics such as specific number of hours worked.


There has been an upswing in anxiety-positive encounters this quarter attributed to persistent operational issues within the North Pole Production division.


We will achieve capital expenditure reduction through a coordinated process that will introduce efficiency enhancements at a rate of one labor pool unit per sixty minutes until such time as our overall goals have been realized.

How do I say:


"We encourage your team to deescalate the situation on the ground by reevaluating your approach to the issues at hand. This is the most reliable path forward, and has a high probability of avoiding increased funerary expanses."

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