There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
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Has anyone made a corporatese generator yet?
Yeah like 30+ years ago.
His name is V3x.
This sort of bollocks writes itself when you realize that all they're doing is contorting language to avoid negative terms and connotations.They also do it to avoid committing to anything. I asked a manager a yes/no question.
I got a 15 minute spiel about levering opportunities that had nothing to do with the question. I asked again, he got visibly flustered and gave the same waffle. Eventually I just had to walk away.
That was great! You have restored my faith in the ability of doublespeak and jargon to cover all ills and make em sound pretty.
"Go fuck yourself. I told you to tell that vendor not to arrive until after the morning deliveries are done at 11:30. Now I'm blocked into the lot by her van and the boss takes his sweet time schmoozing the pretty ones over lunch."
This is great!At a privately-operated imbibement center overnight I established networking ties with a representative of the opposite gender department. After exchanging contact information and resumes, she proceeded to consume a first-order tropane alkaloid from my glabella, administered a dose of sildenafil orally, and then we actualized an anatomical transfer give and take session which nearly resulted in complete biological incapacitance. Afterward as the distinguished representative was consuming lavatory services and I was recharging for further research, I noticed her cell phone ringing. Upon closer inspection the Caller ID alluded to one "PaPa Sugarcane." Curiously, however, the telephone number displayed matched that of the Director's office phone. After confirming this actuality, I made the executive decision that it would be best to immediately separate myself from the situation and did so. Today, the Director does not appear to be in the office.
"I just met this chick in a bar last night. She dragged me back to her place, snorted blow off my forehead, popped a viagra in my mouth, and nearly killed me with the sexual. While I was recovering and she was in the john her cell started ringing. I glanced at it. Name said PaPa Sugarcane, but the number was the Director's office number. I double checked to be sure and got the fuck out! He wasn't in today."
(I know it's a lot, and I have complete faith in your documented ability to proforma motivate in tandem with swift rising, asymetrical market demands! Your achievement is my goal.)
Thank you Vex, a meeting I've got on Monday should be quite entertaining.Report back with your progress!
Oh, I'll probably need:
"I am going to have you beaten by goons"
"I need time off to go for an interview for a better job"I would like to formally submit a request for a brief but justified absence this afternoon in order to pursue activities related my professional development.
"You are clearly incompetent yet earn 5 times what I do. I am considering having you beaten by goons"If you review the attached presentation, you may find it in the best interest of our Department to invest in protective facegear for all management staff.
"You have no choice in this because of the realities of law and business you blithering simpleton"We seek to assure you that events will transpire in strict alignment with all previously agreed-to conditions. If you would like to discuss the matter in greater detail, please consult our Defenestration Department on floor 16B.
"Pay me money or I will call the regulatory authority"My conduct and communications on this matter are strictly bound both by the applicable legal framework and by the compensatory dedication which binds me to my position.
"I am not planning or doing anything suspicious"I have taken no counter-cooperative action and seek only to bolster our common benefit in all circumstances.
Shut the fuck up before I start stabbing until one of us is dead.
"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"A net-negative cashflow in the near term can actually result in surprisingly strong financial outcomes in mid- to long-term cycles, when the investment is made to encourage effort-neutral contributions from otherwise underperforming business units.
"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"In keeping with our Core Values Statement, remember to pool all assets in the receptacle provided, then align all efforts into an about-facing pattern while enumerating mathematical units into the triple digits.
I want to work less hours for the same amount of money.
I am angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES.
"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?
How do I say:
"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"