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Messages - V3X

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31
"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?

We will achieve capital expenditure reduction through a coordinated process that will introduce efficiency enhancements at a rate of one labor pool unit per sixty minutes until such time as our overall goals have been realized.

32
How do I say:

"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"

"We encourage your team to deescalate the situation on the ground by reevaluating your approach to the issues at hand. This is the most reliable path forward, and has a high probability of avoiding increased funerary expanses."

33
O: THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING FUCKING MY SHIT SO SHIT DOESN'T GET FUCKED.
T: I am synergistically leveraging my core competencies strategically as a solution.

The organization is positively influenced by wide contribution to our ongoing conversation and owe a great deal of our progress to teams and individuals who have taken the initiative to investigate the most effective ways they can help in this endeavor.

34
I'm amazed Enrico hasn't tried a coup by now...

I thought Enrico was living in Wisconsin under the Witness Protection Program dead...

35
Over the course of the past several business cycles, I have inherited a large pool of experience in transforming direct language into a more polished and deliverable format. In fact, at this juncture, my ability to communicate without the use of approved wording has been critically compromised. Rather than view this development as a hindrance, I'd like to use this to generate an opportunity for production-positive knowledge transfer. To that end, I am offering to take submissions and modify their language to align with company communications policy. You are invited to participate in this exchange by offering the roughest, least polished terms and phrases you can think of.

To help, here are a few recent examples at my workplace that turned unacceptably blunt language into conversation-conducive remarks:

Original: WHY IS MY MANAGER AN ASSHOLE? HE KEEPS ASKING ME TO DO MORE WORK AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS ALREADY ASSIGNED!
Transformed: I seek to enhance my productivity output despite any obstacles presented by operational realities.

O: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL JACK THAT HIS MICROPHONE WILL NOT WORK UNTIL HE PLUGS IT THE FUCK IN?
T: Technological hardware considerations can have a tangible impact on audio traffic.

O: HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FILL OUT THE FORM, IF YOU WON'T GRANT ME ACCESS TO THE FORM ON SHAREPOINT?
T: Your admirable dedication to company security practices has inspired me to synthesize a solution to this task while remaining aligned with company processes.

36
I think I would nominate PANGO!. Just think what his wise and benevolent leadership would do for our great society. Just think.

This sounds like a terrible idea to me, for some reason.

I don't think you're serious about good government, V3X.

The trains might run on time, but I'd hate to imagine where they'd be headed.

37
I think I would nominate PANGO!. Just think what his wise and benevolent leadership would do for our great society. Just think.

This sounds like a terrible idea to me, for some reason.

38
I don't know who should be nominated, but whoever it is better amass an army to surround your awful compound in Tucson and TAKE the second half of the joke from you BY FORCE.

I'll burn it first.


You would. Your barely legitimate charade of democracy propped up by six-guns and the bones of Old West heroes will crumble soon enough, though, and then the People can sweep in victoriously and view the ENTIRE joke as it was meant to be in the beginning.

If elected Mexico, I will ask El Bueno Reverendo Rojelio what the second half of the joke is. And then I will maintain it as a state secret, like all of those dealings with Los Zetas Reticulanos we don't tell the Americans about because we don't want them to get all that sweet alien technology we're reverse engineering at all those old Aztec pyramids.

Don't worry, you won't get the chance. We've got a PAC with a rap sheet on you three miles long, and that's just up to the first grade. If you so much as form an exploratory committee, we'll drag your reputation through so much mud even the good people of MEXICO will demand you be deported.

39
I don't know who should be nominated, but whoever it is better amass an army to surround your awful compound in Tucson and TAKE the second half of the joke from you BY FORCE.

40
our government really is falling down on the job. We are under constant siege by dimfucks and fuckbrains and other shady persons qualifying for fuck-related slurs. We have had a long recent history of awful attempts at violence and the public news stream is full of cock, repost, and assorted bullshit. What have we gotten for our votes? Nothing. What have we gotten for our taxes? Nothing. What has our government given us? Nothing. Not even basic services like completed punchlines. It is for these reasons that I submit to you this petition.

-----------PETITION FOLLOWS-------------


I, _____(legal name)_______, BEING OF RELATIVELY SOUND MIND AND CONSCIENCE, DO WITH ALL SERIOUSNESS AGREE TO THE IMMEDIATE IMPEACHMENT AND FORCEFUL REMOVAL FROM OFFICE OF THE CURRENT MEXICO, AND AFFIX MY GOOD NAME AND __(number between 85 and 100)__% OF MY PERSONAL FORTUNE TOWARD HOLDING A PUBLIC REFERENDUM IN ORDER TO ELECT A NEW MEXICO, WITHIN THE NEXT __(number between 0 and 1)__ DAYS.

SO MOTE IT BE
__(signature or pee stain)__

41
The Richard Nixon school of ballet and the arts / Re: I did this for you
« on: September 26, 2014, 01:53:48 am »
When people ask what I want for my birthday or Chrstmas, I always ask for something completely impossible, like FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES OF PEACE AND QUIET. As a result I rarely have to deal with the problem of receiving unwanted gifts.

42
Aneristic Illusions / Re: Generation Y Can't I Do That
« on: September 26, 2014, 01:37:34 am »
Never have so many words said so little to so few.

43
The Richard Nixon school of ballet and the arts / Re: I did this for you
« on: September 23, 2014, 04:28:55 am »
Yeah I don't see any one size fits all answers here. It depends on whether the giver knows ahead of time that the gift is unwanted.

44
Or Kill Me / Re: NIGGERS!
« on: September 23, 2014, 03:43:42 am »
Yeah man, I really hate it when people triangulate my electronics. And the gangstalking. Jesus, I can't tell you how many times I've had to outrun an entire platoon of those assholes. Just count yourself lucky that you haven't encountered the Wizard Brigade, because those dudes pack a serious, albeit sparkly, wallop.

45
Or Kill Me / Re: NIGGERS!
« on: September 23, 2014, 02:33:27 am »

Isn't blocking people some kind of social faux pas here?

No.

I'm not a racist. I'm an unracist.

Look at this youtube comment thread from April I got involved in.

Wait I don't... ok basically it shows me telling someone to not be blatantly racist because that is just not cool, fast forward just a couple of months and I find myself completely siding with the person I was being harsh to and making a pariah because durr raysis social niceties.

I'm really not interested in telling you the details though, you wanna play social niceties you gotta do it all the way but you won't because you have an illness.

I am here to cure you. ACCEPT ME AS YOUR PERSONAL SAVIOR.

Damn, you're boring.  You bore me, son.  Just fuck off.

I ain't your son and I'm not a fucking comedian or porn star so why are you pulling on dicks do you see my title this is real. Fuck you. You lost your chance and now you're blocked for being an insufferable one dimensional parody of a liberal multiculturalist. Fucking calling me a faggot hater then calling that inexcusable, yeah hating on sticking your dick in shit is inexcusable how dare men be averse to putting their apparatus of reproduction into disease infected human waste.

By the power vested in me as a Pope of Sacred Insincerity and Entrenchment of Nagging Reality I banish you to the hell realms.



ITT we observe the pitiful words of someone desperately trying to convince himself he does not crave the buttsecks. My advice is, go ahead and try it. It's not actually anything like you say. You might actually like it! And fuck knows you need something to loosen you up.

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