Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - V3X

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6 ... 255
31
"I need time off to go for an interview for a better job"
I would like to formally submit a request for a brief but justified absence this afternoon in order to pursue activities related my professional development.
Quote
"You are clearly incompetent yet earn 5 times what I do. I am considering having you beaten by goons"
If you review the attached presentation, you may find it in the best interest of our Department to invest in protective facegear for all management staff.
Quote
"You have no choice in this because of the realities of law and business you blithering simpleton"
We seek to assure you that events will transpire in strict alignment with all previously agreed-to conditions. If you would like to discuss the matter in greater detail, please consult our Defenestration Department on floor 16B.
Quote
"Pay me money or I will call the regulatory authority"
My conduct and communications on this matter are strictly bound both by the applicable legal framework and by the compensatory dedication which binds me to my position.
Quote
"I am not planning or doing anything suspicious"
I have taken no counter-cooperative action and seek only to bolster our common benefit in all circumstances.

32
Shut the fuck up before I start stabbing until one of us is dead.

Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial increases in corpse production.

33
"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"
A net-negative cashflow in the near term can actually result in surprisingly strong financial outcomes in mid- to long-term cycles, when the investment is made to encourage effort-neutral contributions from otherwise underperforming business units.

Quote
"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"
In keeping with our Core Values Statement, remember to pool all assets in the receptacle provided, then align all efforts into an about-facing pattern while enumerating mathematical units into the triple digits.

34
I want to work less hours for the same amount of  money.

Recent surveys of top-grade performers have shown that it often makes excellent business sense to foster an environment where compensation is based on big-picture participation in and contribution to the work product rather than detail-attentive dynamics such as specific number of hours worked.

35
I am angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES.

There has been an upswing in anxiety-positive encounters this quarter attributed to persistent operational issues within the North Pole Production division.

36
"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?

We will achieve capital expenditure reduction through a coordinated process that will introduce efficiency enhancements at a rate of one labor pool unit per sixty minutes until such time as our overall goals have been realized.

37
How do I say:

"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"

"We encourage your team to deescalate the situation on the ground by reevaluating your approach to the issues at hand. This is the most reliable path forward, and has a high probability of avoiding increased funerary expanses."

38
O: THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING FUCKING MY SHIT SO SHIT DOESN'T GET FUCKED.
T: I am synergistically leveraging my core competencies strategically as a solution.

The organization is positively influenced by wide contribution to our ongoing conversation and owe a great deal of our progress to teams and individuals who have taken the initiative to investigate the most effective ways they can help in this endeavor.

39
I'm amazed Enrico hasn't tried a coup by now...

I thought Enrico was living in Wisconsin under the Witness Protection Program dead...

40
Over the course of the past several business cycles, I have inherited a large pool of experience in transforming direct language into a more polished and deliverable format. In fact, at this juncture, my ability to communicate without the use of approved wording has been critically compromised. Rather than view this development as a hindrance, I'd like to use this to generate an opportunity for production-positive knowledge transfer. To that end, I am offering to take submissions and modify their language to align with company communications policy. You are invited to participate in this exchange by offering the roughest, least polished terms and phrases you can think of.

To help, here are a few recent examples at my workplace that turned unacceptably blunt language into conversation-conducive remarks:

Original: WHY IS MY MANAGER AN ASSHOLE? HE KEEPS ASKING ME TO DO MORE WORK AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS ALREADY ASSIGNED!
Transformed: I seek to enhance my productivity output despite any obstacles presented by operational realities.

O: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL JACK THAT HIS MICROPHONE WILL NOT WORK UNTIL HE PLUGS IT THE FUCK IN?
T: Technological hardware considerations can have a tangible impact on audio traffic.

O: HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FILL OUT THE FORM, IF YOU WON'T GRANT ME ACCESS TO THE FORM ON SHAREPOINT?
T: Your admirable dedication to company security practices has inspired me to synthesize a solution to this task while remaining aligned with company processes.

41
I think I would nominate PANGO!. Just think what his wise and benevolent leadership would do for our great society. Just think.

This sounds like a terrible idea to me, for some reason.

I don't think you're serious about good government, V3X.

The trains might run on time, but I'd hate to imagine where they'd be headed.

42
I think I would nominate PANGO!. Just think what his wise and benevolent leadership would do for our great society. Just think.

This sounds like a terrible idea to me, for some reason.

43
I don't know who should be nominated, but whoever it is better amass an army to surround your awful compound in Tucson and TAKE the second half of the joke from you BY FORCE.

I'll burn it first.


You would. Your barely legitimate charade of democracy propped up by six-guns and the bones of Old West heroes will crumble soon enough, though, and then the People can sweep in victoriously and view the ENTIRE joke as it was meant to be in the beginning.

If elected Mexico, I will ask El Bueno Reverendo Rojelio what the second half of the joke is. And then I will maintain it as a state secret, like all of those dealings with Los Zetas Reticulanos we don't tell the Americans about because we don't want them to get all that sweet alien technology we're reverse engineering at all those old Aztec pyramids.

Don't worry, you won't get the chance. We've got a PAC with a rap sheet on you three miles long, and that's just up to the first grade. If you so much as form an exploratory committee, we'll drag your reputation through so much mud even the good people of MEXICO will demand you be deported.

44
I don't know who should be nominated, but whoever it is better amass an army to surround your awful compound in Tucson and TAKE the second half of the joke from you BY FORCE.

45
our government really is falling down on the job. We are under constant siege by dimfucks and fuckbrains and other shady persons qualifying for fuck-related slurs. We have had a long recent history of awful attempts at violence and the public news stream is full of cock, repost, and assorted bullshit. What have we gotten for our votes? Nothing. What have we gotten for our taxes? Nothing. What has our government given us? Nothing. Not even basic services like completed punchlines. It is for these reasons that I submit to you this petition.

-----------PETITION FOLLOWS-------------


I, _____(legal name)_______, BEING OF RELATIVELY SOUND MIND AND CONSCIENCE, DO WITH ALL SERIOUSNESS AGREE TO THE IMMEDIATE IMPEACHMENT AND FORCEFUL REMOVAL FROM OFFICE OF THE CURRENT MEXICO, AND AFFIX MY GOOD NAME AND __(number between 85 and 100)__% OF MY PERSONAL FORTUNE TOWARD HOLDING A PUBLIC REFERENDUM IN ORDER TO ELECT A NEW MEXICO, WITHIN THE NEXT __(number between 0 and 1)__ DAYS.

SO MOTE IT BE
__(signature or pee stain)__

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6 ... 255