« on: October 05, 2012, 08:57:55 am »
If it's good enough for the Department of Homeland Security, it's good enough for us. Please note that we'll never actually be below Orange, ever again (just like the airports).Absolutely spot-on!
Green - Low
"All-consumingly wonderful and feces-free. Delightful, quick to laugh, slow to anger, magnanimous, sharp-witted, tripping the light fantastic, flying through the air shooting alternating puffs of lilac and sandalwood from your ass. Probably getting sexed up right nice-like, debts well in hand, with car not making any unsettling noises at all. Slightly annoying to people at lower levels, but you are swell, so they don't mind that much. Running with the big dogs through the canyons of your mind and just really super in general, thanks for asking!"
Blue - Guarded - general risk
"Beginning to emit a bit of gaseous warning-foulness. Not exactly appalling, but definitely lacking in the golden glow of the Green level. Holding your own relatively well, but making that face which says 'Warning! Possible Cranky Pants!' Medication holding the line to within spec, but also not making you the master/mistress of all you survey, either. Minor, one-word, first-degree expletives heard from time to time, especially when safely aimed at the television, traffic or pets. Vein in temple delivers occasional small pulse."
Yellow - Elevated - significant risk
"Skirting the near side of Butthurt. Random stamping of foot beginning to appear. Objects being thrown from time to time. Angry comments about work, society, religion and/or politics in evidence. Expressions of desire to kick someone increasing. Hot Pockets and chocolate no longer cutting the mustard. Personally comforting mini-delusions showing signs of strain. Even sarcastic adult cartoons and video footage of political figures stumbling over their tongues or falling down not eliciting grins as they once did. Someone needs a hug, but odds of getting one decreasing steadily."
Orange - High
"In grave danger of being full of it. Others being lightly splattered with warning flecks of your emissions. Outside facts, opinions, wants and needs having no effect on your personal headlong plunge into Me-ism. You are presenting as unreasonable, grossly inconsiderate, petty, bullying, selfish, virtually humorless. Imminent danger of screwing a pooch as tall as a Clydesdale. Debating doing personal damage to others. Listening to both Art Bell and the O'Reilly Report and taking them at face value. Basically being a stinkpot. Bad moon rising from the back of your pants."
Severe - Red
"Filled to overflowing with crap. Far past the point where a mere apology will suffice; jewelry and submissive showing of buttocks required, just to get rolling again. A clear and present, highly-active pinwheel, coating everything and everyone in sight with a thick layer any time you open your mouth or take an action. Even flies are revolted. Someone may get punched right inna face. Maintenance at this level threatens to burn all bridges and permanently soil your dickey with the Brown 'A'. Get a grip, FUCK you, SHUT UP, I'll see you in COURT, motherfucker!"
Occurring - Black
Pants filled, internet over.