Codename V's real rant.
Obviously this was not written by me, and all applause etc should be directed at Alan Moore etc That said, its still much better than the washed down, "freedumb!" version in the film, though even a cursory read shows why it was not used. Its precisely for those reasons I prefer it. So here is the transcript taken from the comic, presented in full.
Good evening, London. I thought it time we had a little chat. Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I'll begin.
I suppose you're wondering why I've called you here this evening. Well, you see, I'm not entirely satisfied with your performance lately...I'm afraid your work has been slipping, and...and, well, I'm afraid we've been thinking about letting you go.
Oh, I know, you've been with the company a long time now. Almost...let me see. Almost ten thousand years! My word, doesn't time fly? It only seems like yesterday...I remember the day you commenced your employment, swinging down from the trees, fresh faced and nervous, a bone clasped in your bristling fist.
"Where do I start sir?", you asked, plaintively. I recall my exact words: ‚"there's a pile of dinosaur eggs over there, youngster‚", I said, smiling paternally the while. "Get sucking."
Well, we've certainly come a long way since then, haven't we? And yes, yes, you're right, in all that time, you haven't missed a day.
Well done, thou good and faithful servant.
Also, don't think I have forgotten your outstanding service record, or about all the invaluable contributions you've made to the company. Fire, the wheel, agriculture...it's an impressive list, old-timer. A jolly impressive list, don't get me wrong.
But...well, to be frank, we've had our problems too. There is no getting away from it. Do you know what I think a lot of it stems from? I'll tell you...it's from your basic unwillingness to get along within the company. You don't seem to want to face up to any real responsibility, or be your own boss. Lord knows, you've been given plenty of opportunities...
We've offered you promotion, time and time again, and each time you've turned us down. "I couldn't handle the work, guv'nor‚" you wheedled. "I know my place." To be frank, you aren't even trying. You see, you've been standing still for far too long, and its starting to show in your work...and, might I add, in your general standard of behaviour.
The constant bickering on the factory floor has not escaped my attention...nor the recent bout of rowdiness in the staff canteen. Then of course, there's...hmm, well, I didn't really want to have to bring this up, but...well, I've been hearing some disturbing rumours about your personal life. No, never mind who told me. No names, no pack drill...
That I hear you are unable to get on with your spouse. I hear that you argue. I am told that you shout. Violence has been mentioned. I am reliably informed that you hurt the one you love...the one you shouldn't hurt at all.
And what about the children? It's always the children who suffer, as you're well aware. Poor little mites. What are they to make of it? What are they to make of your bullying, your despair, your cowardice and all your fondly nurtured bigotries?
Really it is not good enough, is it?
And its no good blaming the sudden drop in work standards upon bad management, either...though to be sure, the management is very bad. In fact, lets not mince words...the management is terrible! We've had a string of embezzlers, frauds, liars and lunatics making a string of catastrophic decisions. This is plain fact.
But who elected them?
It was you! You who appointed these people! You who gave them the power to make decisions for you! While I'll admit that anyone can make a mistake once, to go on making the same lethal errors century after century seems nothing short of deliberate.
You have encouraged these malicious incompetents who have made your working lives a shambles. You have accepted without question their senseless orders. You have allowed them to fill your workplace with dangerous and untested machines.
You could have stopped them.
All you had to say was "no". You have no spine. No pride. You are no longer an asset to the company. I will, however, be generous. You will be granted two years to show some improvement in your work. If at the end of that time you are still unwilling to make a go of it...
That is all. You may return to your labours. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
- Edited to unfuck the quotation mark problems caused by the server change a few years back - Roger