Ah, fuck them, fuck them all. They can't touch us, there's not a thing they can do. This guy, what's his name, Firesong or something? A nothing. A nobody, ruling an empty site. Not a damn thing they can do against us...
Hmm? Well well, looks like we've got a customer here. Sit down, sit down, let me buy you a drink. OB! Hey, OB! Get me another, will ya? And one for my friend here too, OK? Ah, its good to see a new face around here. I tell you, sometimes, with only the regulars around here and the occasional stray Discordian coming in, it can get kind of monotonous.
What do I do here? Well, I suppose you could call me a...troubleshooter, a “point man” for persistent problems. What sort of problems? Well, you know, this and that...but, to me, its not just about dealing with the trouble and then moving on. I like to think I am helping to provide a educational service to those our company deals with.
Ah, this is a good scotch. We don't really have much in the way of opportunities for cutting loose and having some good old fashioned fun anymore. Married? Hardly. You see, its our competition. Back in the day, we used to keep our heads down, do the job and do it in the way we liked. But now, now we're in the spotlight, well...it's all about public image, you see? Our competition likes to make big scenes now and then: they make a fuss about where we've been and who we're hanging out with. Bastards watch our every move, too, always poking through company records. Still, there's ways and means, what they don't know they can't blab about.
Back in the Discordian Jihad of 2004, we were the Rogue Discordians, a legitimate wartime enterprise. The glory days, fighting Prince Tao and EvT, self appointed leaders of Discordianism. By the end of August, we had a perfect covert trolling unit in place on PD.com, seemed wasteful to let that talent fade just because we weren't at war anymore. Besides, maybe we'd fought the wrong people. You see, soon after, Roger was butting heads with some of the Pagans over at the Obsidian Mirror, while pursuing Trollax. Business wise, it looked like our real competition wasn't other Discordians, but Pagans. Wiccans. Nature religions.
As soon as the Jihad ended, there were already skirmishes happening around the Discordian forum on the Mirror. These went on and off, with a spirited last stand being made by Efrim until about March 2005, when Horab went over. Back before he went a little mad, he was quite well respected, except by the denizens of the Mirror, it seemed. Well, that simply would not do, so East Coast Hustle and Cain went over in order to stir the shit, finish the work started by TGRR and Efrim.
After one day, they shut the entire forum down and the admins there would only allow posts by mods. Eventually, we got to say our piece and in return for being left alone, Obsidian transferred ownership of the site to one of the many Discordians who came over in the wake of our victory. Bella, if I recall right. Because, back in the day, the Mirror had in fact been the base of the DIA, the Discordian Intelligence Agency, but when the group fell apart, ownership was transferred. And now, we had it.
You see, we had plans for the Mirror....
Now, we had a secret, off the maps, perfectly secure base for our Rogues, where they could stash the tools of their trade and lay down plans without inquisitive eyes looking in. We renamed it Eris Bar and Grill, and kept the membership exclusive. A nice quiet little place away from PD.com, where no-one could see what we were up to...
Isn't it a little quiet in here? Don't you think? I hate quiet, it makes me edgy. OB, hey, OB! Yeah I'm talking to you! Put that Ear Fatigue song on, you know, “Wire Hangers”. Ah yeah, that's better. So, anyway, where was I?
Oh yes, EB&G...anyway, with the untimely return of Eric, it looked like we got our secret base just in the nick of time. Eric had been disliked before, however the little pedo had lowered himself to new levels of fail in this incarnation. While flame wars raged over on PD.com, we could sit in relative peace on EB&G and contemplate more intellectual pursuits. Like, for example, who made PD.com go down in June of 2005.
Evidence suggested Eric and Aini, so the rogue Discordians were dispatched, at the head of a troll army out of FC. They completely ravaged Aini's board, bombarding it with thousands of vile posts and eventually causing it to be shut down, while the Discordians themselves waged a jihad on Eric's copycat version of PD.com, PD.org. Getting banned beyond count and driving away any posters who landed on the board by mistake, we declared victory.
From there, we were on a roll. Megaman Hentai and LittleAngelHentai were both bought low, and the heathens did wail at their misfortune.
After that...well, things went bad for a while. Every great war that saves a group is immediately followed by one that nearly destroys them, and this was no exception. With ECH banned from EB&G and TGRR angry at his PMs being read, attacks were planned against PD.com itself from the Sandbox, a new base of operations for the most trollish of Discordians. It almost succeeded too, driving away many regular posters. However, by September 05, agreements had been reached, the trolling stopped, and many of those who had supported TGRR and ECH had migrated more to POEE.
Here there was more unity of purpose, trust and like mindedness, which led to expeditions over the web, either for the fun of it or looking for possible recruits. After some good work done at GothPoetry.com, Roger was banned with no reason. Well, we couldn't let some pretentious kids tell us where we could or could not post now, could we? Especially not after the last 12 months. So Cain and Roger launched a blitzkrieg against the site, bringing it to a standstill in about an hour. Even after they were banned and the considerable spamming was cleaned up, they became very paranoid and found if they activated too many accounts, they only let a troll or two back in. In fact, according to a hilarious email Cain “acquired”, they were scared shitless.
In addition to these grand campaigns, the Iron Troll Brigade set out on a trail of destruction, levelling hentai sites left, right and centre. Busy days, busy days...
However, it was the winter leading into 2006 when we really came into our own...With the various vendettas and grudges more or less settled, and PD.com being down again for the Xmas holidays, many migrated back to EB&G. From here, they learnt of Verthaine's adventures among the Pagans at Mystic Wicks, and some of us decided to go over. An advance unit consisting of Cain, Eldora, TTM and Roger made their way over and made quite an impact on the forum.
By “quite an impact”, I actually mean Roger got banned for ranting.
However, the ban was lifted after a day and everyone went about their business quite happily, at least until TTM was banned for disagreeing with an admin. Meanwhile, plotting continued over at the newly resurrected PD.com, which was by this point little more than a ghost town. New members came in more regularly than EB&G, however, and TTM decided to put these to good use by creating yet another trolling group, this one ostensibly not Discordian. With all eyes on EB&G, they could use PD.com as a place to rally the troops and coordinate attacks. The group, known as HIMEOBS, replaced the largely defunct Iron Troll Brigade and went on to carry out a number of attacks on hentai forums, without a single link back to Discordianism or PD.com.
However, things on MW went from bad to worse, and when Mol's stash of meth finally ran out, he allowed his admins to go berserk while he tried to find a dealer. With several Discordians and their supporters banned in rapid succession, and the few who remained being harassed, it was on. Our supporters made their way to EB&G, where they turned a subforum into Little Pagantown.
Obviously, with the MW refugees and spies hanging around, our “secret base” was starting to look like Berlin at the height of the Cold War. HIMEOBS had already cleverly arranged to have its own very hidden and private forum and site, but very few of the exiles met the criteria for joining. After all, everyone has to have a fallback position, presuming EB&G were to be overrun, by “fake” refugees no less.
However, said threat failed to materialize, and we went on the offensive. Mol's sordid past, stupidly revealed in a (probably drunkenly composed) email, were plastered all over his site, along with photos of him posing in a woman's nightie. Strange thing is, despite sending out this stupid email, he repeatedly threatened EB&G with legal action should any portion of it or the incidents contained within were repeated on his site. Of course, HIMEOBS was exempt from this, along with his own site...
We also turned agents within his own private pay site, all while driving posters away with the trolling and constant drama being promoted by our remaining supporters. All in all, his site traffic fell from being the most popular Pagan forum on the net to roughly that of EB&G. Not bad, eh? OK, not quite the destruction that was wrought on Aini or PD.com, but good help was hard to find at that moment.
Then, something quite unexpected happened. After months of nearly no activity, a coup erupted on PD.com, ousting the Mgt from power. In her place, HIMEOBS agents under the leadership of East Coast Hustle took control of the site and became the moderation/admin team. Now, the positioned were reversed, the final shape of the whole network was in place.
It's like Agent Nerve said, after he was busted selling MW accounts to YTMND trolls: “EB&G is the “front desk”, it's the open side of the operation. TGRR, Bella, Idem, Daniel and GIGGLES are there. The guy lurking in the shadows is Cain. Who is the boss of Cain? East Coast Hustle. Where do they come from? PD.com. Where do the trolls come from? HIMEOBS. Cain is training and directing trolls. The leader of HIMEOBS is Captain Da, he is recruiting trolls from all over the web to fight in Discordian covert wars. What was Da doing by trolling hentai sites? Gaining a reputation which allows them to find trolls anywhere who will do exactly what he tells them. An army of trolls at their beck and call.”
As more and more people joined PD.com, HIMEOBS also grew, allowing extended operations not only against MW but any other sites that took our fancy. With PD itself under our control, we hid one of the forums from anyone without an account, meaning our intended targets could not trace our actions back to us. At last, with all three sites secure and under control, with a score of trolls at our beck and call, and a trail of blasted websites behind us, we were secure.
Friendly expeditions were sent to a number of other Pagan forums, peace missions if you will. Not our fault the damn savages tried to cannibalize those we sent in good faith. Spiritual Forums went into meltdown in record time, banning all Discordians, Subgenii, Pastafarians and anyone else with a sense of humour from their site. PrincessKLS stupidly kept poking her nose in at EB&G, so a few people took it upon themselves to counteract the rumours she was spreading around the place. And that is how we found TCC.
That's when you came in, right? Yep, it's business as usual around here – always has been and always will be. You wait until autumn comes around, you just wait because you ain't seen nothing yet. Not TCC nor any of its moronic admins can stop me. You think they can? You think I'm worried about one little crummy site run by idiot asswipes, is that what you think? Because if that's what you think, then in my book you are as stupid as they are! Those fools can't touch me, I'm safe, totally safe.
You think their legal threats mean anything to me? Hah! I mean, who is going to even believe the ridiculous lies they are telling, let alone act on them? I mean, its like this whole story I just told you: it never happened. It was a joke, OK? A nice little bedtime story to make certain people wet their pants. If anyone does come around asking questions, well, we just tell them the truth. What's the truth? It's pretty simple, really: PD.com, and EB&G protected Discordianism, HIMEOBS protected EB&G and PD.com, TGRR, Idem, TTM, ECH, Cain and the rest protected HIMEOBS and that is why they are Eris-damned heroes. That's all. Nothing more to say.
So we dodged IP bans, hurt a few feelings and mocked some overly important idiots, who gives a shit? The real kicker is, no matter what we do, what tack we take, our enemies take a pasting, often wondering how the hell they got themselves in a position where all their new members either side with us or run off, and their site became a troll playground.
Let me tell you a little secret...it's all done with smoke and mirrors.
Well, anyway, listen, I ain't got all day. Are you buying what our company sells or what? Can we do business?
Excellent, I knew you were a discerning client the moment you walked through the door.