First of all:
WE WELCOME ALL NEW MEMBERS! (JUST KIDDING, YOU DUMB FLESHBAG!)
Hello and sit your ass down! Welcome to
THE BEWILDERMENTARIAN END-TIMES CABAL!
What's that? YOU AIN'T ONE OF US?? WELL THEN, BREAD MADE FROM YOUR BONES SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD TO ME, SUCKER!
TRUUTH IS: THERE IS NO ESCAPING BEWILDERMENT. THUS THE BEWILDERMENTARIAN IS DEDICATED TO PILING ON THE BEWILDERMENT SO HIGH, AND MAKING IT SO IN-YOUR-FACE, THAT YOU FINALLY REALIZE IT'S THERE, DOGDAMMIT!
Those who CAN'T keep up will drown in Bewilderment when the Apolkalypse comes, as described in the Book of Revellatio.
"The End-Times will be full of such harmonious screaming; such wonderful bleeding from such a curious variety of orifices."
- Eris at a Mt. Olympus party, after a few ambrosias.
As the old masters said, "Peace Through Bewilderment."
Interesting fact: All children have a toto (totem, guardian angel, spirit guide), which is a companion
that usually leaves sometime in childhood. (This departure of the toto is called toto recall.)
Most kids know of their totos; skepdiks call them "imaginary friends."
WE SAY: "Yeah, they ARE imaginary. SO WHAT?!?"
Look. ALL WE'RE TRYING TO SAY IS THAT YOU HAVE TOO MUCH MIND, AND YOU NEED TO LOSE SOME OF IT.
LOSE YOUR MIND OR WE'LL LOSE IT FOR YOU, JACK!
In the realm of Dog*, wisdom = money. We are only trying to make you wise, and thus make you RICH in WISDOM!!! Only in this way can you become a Wise Man. Maybe someday you can even become a Wise Ass!
This preachery has been a service of the Bewildermentarian End-Times Cabal.
*INFO ON OUR TRITHEON. THE B.E.T.C. RECOGNIZES THE HOLY TRIARCHY: ERIS, DOG, and the HEAD HONCHO.
Eris is CHAOS INCARNATE, and the most irreligious goddess you never had the horror of meeting. She helps us to see the absurreality of our lives. Most importantly she helps us to LAUGH at the whole shebang.
Some Erisians think that the Eris of the Olde Bewilderment (ancient Greeks) and the Eris of the New Bewilderment (Principia Discordia) are two separate deities. This idea is known as Gnostrilism, and Gnostrils are BURNABLE HERETICS.
By the way...Eris...Evis...Elvis. IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE.
Dog is THE HOLEE SPEERIT THAT INFORMS AND FLOWS THROUGH ALL THINGS, INCLUDING YOUR SWEAT, YOUR SHIT, AND FIGHTIN' JESUS. ALSO, "DOG BARKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS" IS OUR GO-TO ANSWER FOR ANY QUESTION WE HAVEN'T SOLVED YET.
"I AM THAT I AM A USEFUL FICTION." - The Lord Dog, Excitus 3:14
The Head Honcho is the enthroned JHVH-Sky God. Some kind of combo of Odin, Tyr, and Thor.
HEY, I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THE NORSE WORSHIPPED A COMBINED GOD CALLED ODINTYRTHOR! THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T, LOSER!
May Dog lick and preserve you.
May the Head Honcho give you amazing fucking superpowers.
And may Eris fuck your mind.