The Fear and Desire Loop

[LHX]

Talk about Black Iron Prisons

on the one hand people are scared of the unknown

on the other hand people are chasing illusionary goals


this cycle perpetuates itself as people run away from what they fear and run toward what they desire, never escaping or fulfilling except for in short-term stimulating experiences


meanwhile, the unknown has done nothing to warrant it being something worth fearing
and it has already been established that everything we could possibly want/need is well within reach on this planet


the only way out of that loop is to eventually be crushed by it
or
to literally bust out of it


to bust out the loop / prison - a person needs to recognize it

[DJRubberducky]

The real fun happens when the desire is the source of the fear.

[LMNO]

Examples, please.

[LHX]

The real fun happens when the desire is the source of the fear.

bingo

when fear of blows to the ego, pride and reputation influence a persons decision making process

[Jenne]

That's how peer pressure and a lot of "character education" is overtly taught to kids, by the way.

"People won't like you if you ____________."

"Your friends will be mad if you __________."

etc.

[AFK]

Whoa, childhood flashback. 

[LHX]

That's how peer pressure and a lot of "character education" is overtly taught to kids, by the way.

"People won't like you if you ____________."

"Your friends will be mad if you __________."

etc.

Jenne, nobody is going to like you if you keep making posts like that.

[LMNO]

That's ok, nobody likes her anyway.

[Jenne]

Heh.  Too late there.  But thanks.

[Jenne]

That's ok, nobody likes her anyway.

See? 

[LHX]

great

thread ruined


there goes my reputation

[DJRubberducky]

Examples, please.

Okay, example of desire producing fear:

I'm polyamorous.  Mostly polyfidelity, but I doubt that means anything to anyone here other than me.

Anyway, one of my lovers isn't currently in any sort of primary relationship.  He's okay with how things are between him and me, and the understanding is that if he gets himself into a "real" relationship with someone not into sharing, then he and I aren't an item anymore.

Absolutely reasonable, yes?  But it puts me into one of these loops: Because I love him, I want to spend that kind of time with him because I enjoy it, and we enjoy each other.  But also because I love him, I don't want to spend that kind of time with him because it means he hasn't found anybody yet, and wishing to see him again also means wishing that.

I don't guess I'm trapped in the loop yet (anymore?), because I can make tentative plans and look forward to next times without being paralyzed by the fear (and most of the fear I experience is paralyzing - I'm that kind of unstable).  And more often than not, I can take a deep breath and remind myself that he makes his own choices, and if for some insanely stupid reason he's putting off finding his own relationship because that probably means not getting to see me anymore, that's his "fault" and not mine.  But it's been very interesting to watch my own thoughts over the last six months.

[AFK]

this cycle perpetuates itself as people run away from what they fear and run toward what they desire, never escaping or fulfilling except for in short-term stimulating experiences

This, by the way, perfectly explains my relationship before I met my wife.  I was running away from a fear of being alone and not having a family while running towards a desire to be with someone with whom to share intimacy and love.  So, yup, there were some short-term stimulating experiences, but the whole of the exprience was leading me down a path that was destructive.  

[Jenne]

DJR, that's a great example.  Kudos for the brass balls in making it so personal, as well.

I think the main problem is the contingency on someone else's judgments and reactions to your own decisions and actions.  When you rely that heavily on someone else for your own happiness/progression through life in general, you've got a problem that you cannot solve on your own.

Except to break free of that contingency.

ETA:  speaking generally here above, not just about DJR's example.

[LMNO]

Except Jenne, you run into the classic:  The Fear of being rejected, and the Desire to be accepted.

Be it love, sex, or any act of creation, you run into this all the time.