The verification of your own awakening

[Sepia]

and/or: Rant 5

Prologue:

You already did it. You already think that thought even if you are aware of it or not. You're expecting something special now, something different. 5. Something's gonna happen, it's in the numbers. You think it as an occultist thinks something's gonna happen when someone writes 666. Significant numbers, you might even stretch to magic, magick if you're one of them fancypants, chaosmagick if you're not quite right in the head or mahadjique if you're one of the frequenters here. I know you don't believe it and I know you diss people that believe in it unless they've just recently been initiatied where you simply ignore them for 6 months untill they tire of 23, 5, fnord, skidoo, Hail Eris!, IWANNABELIEKHAGBARDCELINEWHEN[INSERT] and then perhaps there's something there. A fresh skin, the smell of a bloody mary between the tits of a beautiful woman saturday morning. You already thought of five and the the machines in your mind have already begun, your subconsciousness picks up numerology again and it's back. It's back again.

The unknown ceiling:

You know you did it. You no longer think you did it, every fibre in your body tells you you did it and you listen to them. At the point you are at now, there is no POINT to tell you that you might be wrong. I hope you'll understand that anyhow, a little later down the road. You're thinking about it now, every waking giggling moment. You want to fuck the president in the ass while he sings Happy birthday to you, marilyn monroe style and you want to fondle his cup D tits at the same time [The Filth, Grant Morrison]. What you're actually feeling is a rare gift and comes at random times. You feel chaos^TM and you're trying to relate to it. You're interpreting and your head is trying to find the metaphor, the image or the allegory that fits what you feel like what now and the things that appear are things you wouldn't think would fit with this. Take the advice the Doors gave you back when you were 14 and ride it. Be swept away by the flood and drink of it. Do not be afraid.

I must admit I came late. I think I was 19 when I read the Illuminatus! for the first time and that moment of awakening called forth a scene from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. One of the first episodes where Ikari Shinji wakes up and sees an unknown ceiling and says something like "There have been many unknown ceilings lately". ish. I was like you then, spouting fnord, 23, HAIL ERIS and all the other catchphrases and hell, most people probably does that unless they've got a very nice grip over themselves.

Then you progress. You dig a little deeper, see a few more signs and you feel you aren't alone in the world and you begin to read buddhism perhaps or a subgenious book or pamphlet, you read grant morrison or alan moore and whatnot. You read and you think you've found a cure because you deem yourself ill and you see yourself objectively from your own mind and you see you are an outcast from society, but you're smarter, aren't you? You see goth as nothing but an extension of the mainstream culture they wanted to separate themselves from, you see the mechanisms at work. You don't see yourself as special because you've read Fight Club too many times and you know you're not a snowflake but somewhere, you know you are. You're a part of a conspiracy now and your daydreams revolve around the illuminatus! or the invisibles.

You wake up the morning after and you smile. You can feel your own teeth and instead of quoting bill hicks when you eat breakfast you're humming on singing in the rain. You're smiling to the sky and the stupid blonde bitch across the way down in good ol' suburbia. You head to school and you're cheerful all the way and you think that this must be that death&rebirth kinda thang, this is karma giving you a snort of mdma. You pay attention in class and you bicker the teacher about your newfound ways, you're an asshole but hey, that's okay because you're an asshole against the_man^TM, the_system^TM and the_world^TM. You're headed somewhere and when one of your friends say they want to be a doctor, more specifically a neural surgeon you say nonchalantly "Specialization is for insects" and you pout your lips when everybody doesn't agree, when everybody doesn't cheer you up and here the first lesson begins.

You are alone in your own head.
You'll never know this truer than when you partake in what many people think is a ritual you must undertake while "turning discordian", hallucinogens. Acid, shrooms etc. You probably know the list better than me.

This is the foundation from which you can build. You're starting to see it now, aren't you? There is no cure(and noone promised you one). Life isn't simple(like your grandaddy told you). In life, you must take some very hard choices(like your daddy told you after you tracked him down 15 years after he bailed). There is nothing special here. No great secret, no great nothing. You might even find this duller than the life you knew before you read a book and found the name for your condition. We or this new thing demands more of you. You have to be more of a human than you used to be. Take responsibility. Think. Meta-think. Feel. Meta-feel.

Someone on these boards say something along the lines of "You are alone in your own revolution" [Badly paraphrased but I can't seem to remember what thread that was and who said it] and they're truer than the acidheads. You don't just wake up one morning, grab your bbgun and make barricades and start yelling slogans. A revolution takes time. It demands work. Revolutionists, the smarter kind, think if this is so important that it has to be revolutionized for. Dynamite has to be bought, guns have to be stolen and people rallied and in the end noone can truthfully say that this revolution will make something out of that or that or make the world the anarchistic utopia you think it might be. Thinking and doing are two very different things. That is all that can be offered.


-----
It started out as a thing for older people but become something for the younger ones. Or something, I'm not sure. This was stream of consciousnessed so it needs an edit in the holidays. That's it for the moment, have a nice holiday folks.

--
edited a few spelling errors but didn't touch much. This'll need a part 2 though.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I sincerely wish I could ride a stream of consciousness like you do! Up til the last two paragraphs you had the story of my life then mine kinda veered off on a tangent so it spoiled the effect.

[BADGE OF HONOR]

Holy shit. 

[Jenne]

Ever notice how involved we are in exterminating "meta-thinking"?  It's taught cradle to the grave.

Wow, you done it again, Sepia!

[LMNO]

Wait, what's wrong with Meta-thinking?

[B_M_W]

I don't know, I always thought that thinking about our thoughts was one of the few ways to change our though processes.

[Jenne]

Nothing whatever is wrong with meta-thinking.  I was making a comment on what Sepia was saying about being alone in your own head is all.

[Z³]

Ikari uses the term 'unfamiliar ceiling' which I believe to be a projection of his sense of alienation. His character, like a few others in the series, is superficially one dimensional. This is probably because he's supposed to represent the psychological model of an emo-douchebag, just as other characters in that series seem to represent psychological concepts rather than actual characters.

I like the rant.

What I've found lately is that its easy to slip up and be just as dumb as you were before you ever stopped to actually think about your own actions. Thats right, one minute you can be inspired into thinking a few steps ahead, and be comfortable in your general enlightenment... and in a flash you get caught in the riptide, and seemingly nothing has changed. There one minute, gone the next, like a metaphysical paycheck.

[Triple Zero]

hm i see that.

it's similar to doing meditation or yoga, in a way, in the sense that when you focus on your breath or feel your body, it's so easy to get sidetracked in thoughts - and then you're not "there" anymore.

the important thing is that you know that you can always go back (to your breath, your body or to thinking-for-yourself-schmuck), the trick is just to realize that you have (unconsciously) wandered off to somewhere else and making a conscious effort to get back on track.

the effort is not that great, it's becoming aware that you need to spend the effort (over and over again) that's can get hard and tedious.

[P3nT4gR4m]

hm i see that.

it's similar to doing meditation or yoga, in a way, in the sense that when you focus on your breath or feel your body, it's so easy to get sidetracked in thoughts - and then you're not "there" anymore.

the important thing is that you know that you can always go back (to your breath, your body or to thinking-for-yourself-schmuck), the trick is just to realize that you have (unconsciously) wandered off to somewhere else and making a conscious effort to get back on track.

the effort is not that great, it's becoming aware that you need to spend the effort (over and over again) that's can get hard and tedious.

I call that the wardrobe effect, from the CS Lewis Narnia stories - when the kids grew up int Narnia they eventually forgot  all about the life they had lived outside it. The more you practice the shorter and shorter your episodes become until it gets to the stage where you are aware of immersion and strong emotional responses almost as quickly as they occur.

[Z³]

The smell of a bloody mary between the tits of a beautiful woman saturday morning

Exactly what I want for christmas.

[Sepia]

Ikari uses the term 'unfamiliar ceiling' which I believe to be a projection of his sense of alienation. His character, like a few others in the series, is superficially one dimensional. This is probably because he's supposed to represent the psychological model of an emo-douchebag, just as other characters in that series seem to represent psychological concepts rather than actual characters.

I like the rant.

What I've found lately is that its easy to slip up and be just as dumb as you were before you ever stopped to actually think about your own actions. Thats right, one minute you can be inspired into thinking a few steps ahead, and be comfortable in your general enlightenment... and in a flash you get caught in the riptide, and seemingly nothing has changed. There one minute, gone the next, like a metaphysical paycheck.

I haven't thought about them in that fashion but I haven't seen the whole series for a while either.

Your second paragraph is ofcoursely quite important and I guess most people on this board is familiar with the concept and have repeatedly made the mistake before learning..

[Sepia]

part2


And you're back, you're home after a little deepdive back into a mundane reality. Perhaps you're sitting like me in your kitchen, you've just gotten back to your apartment and you haven't unloaded your backpack yet but you had an idea, you're perhaps confused now like you are when you shift your enviroment and can't get what you usually get. It's the same as it always is and even how much you've conditioned yourself beyond it, the veil of illusion slips and you're back at point one again, a new year they say, new possibilities and you think a new day, nothing more.

You're sitting in your kitchen and you've just rolled a joint, still in your jacket but you took off your boots so you wouldn't have to clean it up tomorrow. It's cold there and it feels familiar to you now, the cold, the stirring sensation. That's your joint by the way or your bottle of beer, glass of port or shot of cheap cheap blended whiskey. You're thinking of what you did. You freed- no, you saw your prison and in realizing the bars and the shackles and the clutches you became freer.

What are you going to do now?
You're twentysomething with life ahead of you and the shittiest ideas you ever had come climbing towards your head and you want to tattoo 23 over your pineal gland and we've all been there, where you are so walk as we walk, humbly, walk humbly for yourself because you learned to walk and walk humbly in the presence of those that walk and if anyone tries to make you less or infringe upon you you kick them in the balls and eat their adams apple.

If you want to call it a war then it is but do not give your hate freely to others who define the goal and the methods differently as long as it coincides. There is a saying, or rather a spraint tag in counter-strike that says "You hand can be used as a knife, a handjob could cost you your life" and this is where we're at. You already know that the powers/puppets/arachnid overlords that be have read Orwell and you know that hate is love and that war is peace. How do you turn it? How do you apply martial art techniques on a whole culture or society?

Welcome to the work.

[Jenne]

In answer to the last question:  Not easily, and very carefully.

I'll probably never figure it out.

[Payne]

Bump. For good reason.