Working Title

[saint aini]

In part 5, the word "littler" is odd.  "Less than I did" might work better.

Also, not to influence the plot, but it might be cool if the virus he's refusing to work on is actually a deadly epidemic that's decimating the outside world.

His personal rebellion is causing the suffering of millions, you know?  Great moral dilemma there.

but he doesn't know it because he can't see the outside world.

And when he does see the outside, it's a wasteland.

Or, it starts to decimate the complex, leaving him a tragic hero alive in a waste.

"I'm a tragic hero in this game called life. My chances go to zero, but I always will survive."

Hey, can I contribute a section or two to this, Idem?

[Idem]

Also, not to influence the plot, but it might be cool if the virus he's refusing to work on is actually a deadly epidemic that's decimating the outside world.

His personal rebellion is causing the suffering of millions, you know?  Great moral dilemma there.

Actually... I wasn't thinking millions, but...

[Idem]

Hey, can I contribute a section or two to this, Idem?

You mean like do a part of it?  Not in this thread, I'm afraid.  Perhaps in a separate thread

[Idem]

PART SIX tomorrow

[Idem]

PART SIX



Joseph didn,Äôt feel inclined to obey the hierarchy,Äôs orders; he stood idly by for three hours, and then dozed off for a while.  He was surprised that the hierarchy did not bother him in that time.  When he awoke, he could not tell how much longer he had - there were no clocks in the room.  He saw, by his door, a tray of nutritional supplement.  Realizing how hungry he was, he scurried over to eat it.  After he had consumed it, the hierarchy came back on.

   ,ÄúYou now have two hours to complete this.  But you seem determined to not work on it.  We are not torturers, Mr. Cardly; we won,Äôt force you to do your studies.  But, you see, this particular assignment is unique in it,Äôs own right.,Äù

   ,ÄúWhat are you going on about?,Äù, I said, impatiently.

   ,ÄúIn this case, the State absolutely relies on your knowledge - as do its people.  Many suffer from this disease outside of the complex.,Äù

   ,ÄúBut what would I care?  I never have met anybody from the outside, why would I care about them?  They could be my oppressors, for all I know.  They might not even exist; especially as far as I,Äôm concerned.,Äù

   ,ÄúBecause you,Äôre affecting the outside, boy.,Äù

   I realized what was going on, and panicked a little inside.  ,ÄúWhat has happened to Ronald?,Äù

   ,ÄúThis is Ronald.  Did you not know that all along?,Äù

   ,ÄúBut your voice,Ķ No, you,Äôre not Ronald.,Äù

   ,ÄúThe voice of the Hierarchy is absolute and the same; Ronald is of the Hierarchy.  I am Ronald.  But on to your studies.  The people of the outside need your help, and, more importantly, the state needs it to function.  Would you not consider these viable reasons to help?  We need your knowledge; it is what makes us complete.  Have you ever suffered from a disease?,Äù

   ,ÄúNo,Ķ,Äù

   ,ÄúSo why do you insist on causing others, who aren,Äôt as well-off as you, to suffer from something you couldn,Äôt obtain?  The state of the Complex makes it impossible for disease to spread here.  You knew that, and you assumed that the outside was like that, so you don,Äôt feel a devotion to your studies.  That is what the state wants from you:  devotion to your studies.,Äù

   ,ÄúBut-,Äù

   ,ÄúYou now have thirty minutes - we know you already have the knowledge.  You just have to put it on paper.  We, the state - and the people - need it.  Thirty minutes - and if you don,Äôt help us - you will be free to leave.,Äù

   The voice cut off, and there was total silence.  I sat there, pondering; of Ronald,Äôs betrayal, of the state, of the people,Ķ  less of the first two.

   After a time that seemed very long, I went to the computer terminal to input the data I had stored in my head.

   ,ÄúIt isn,Äôt for the state.  It isn,Äôt for the state.  It isn,Äôt for the state.,Äù - I kept thinking this in my mind, as I input it into the computer terminal, and as I walked off to my chamber after the home-going bell tolled.

[LMNO]

"Sauntered"?




I think you need another word.  To me, "saunter" implies "swagger" implies "self-importance", which seems to be contrary to what the narrator should be feeling.

[saint aini]

Why don't you have holographic agents popping up?  A state that advanced should be able to do so.

[Idem]

Why don't you have holographic agents popping up?  A state that advanced should be able to do so.

Did I imply they were quite that advanced?

I mean, might be something that's not cost-effective yet, or something.  (And/or they find their abilities useless)

[Idem]

Next part tomorrow, srry, been feeling real lazy

[Cain]

Dont worry.  Look at how bad LMNO and I am at getting pieces up in time.  Compared to Mr Efficiency here, namely you, we r teh suXX0rz

[Idem]

PART SEVEN

It was a normal day at the bar; I had just come home from work (I had made a little progress in my studies), and was picking at my food quite despairingly.  I was hungry, yet could not quit thinking of yesterday,Äôs events.  I wondered what had happened to the others, but did not dare venture out to look for them.  Then, as if my thoughts were being read, I felt a sharp jab on my right shoulder.  I looked up, and recognized his face; it was Mark Carrey, the electronics expert from District Six.  He was standing at my shoulder, and looked down on me, and asked,

   ,ÄúWho do you work for?,Äù

   I did not answer, but he seemed to have an intuitive feeling as to what I was about to say.  He smiled, and did not bother to say anymore.  He seemed to be in a nervous hurry, and he pointed to the bar,Äôs exit, and headed that way.  I could not see him anymore, but I followed his signal and left the bar.  From there, I saw him standing at the street corner.  Once the taxis passed, he scurried to the other end of the street, to a dimly-lit alleyway.  I followed him there.

   ,ÄúThe complex upgraded its security drastically.,Äù, he said, ,ÄúThese cameras - they are no longer fooled by a simple automatic loop, nor are the microphones befuddled by fuzzy noise.  Follow me, but keep your distance; we depart for District Two.,Äù

   Though he seemed pushy, and I hadn,Äôt even spoken a word to him yet - I trusted him completely based on his manner at the meeting.  He led me on down crowded streets, through dim alleyways, and over elevated walkways.  It was such a long expedition to the Medical District, but we had to trek even more once we got there; the living complexes were in the middle of it.  These, however, didn,Äôt look like the current living complexes, and then I realized - this area had been scheduled for demolition, along with rebuilding.  The area had no people going about on the streets, and the area was serenely dark at this time.  He finally got to where he was looking for, an alleyway between the two abandoned buildings.  There was a decrepit door right along the side of one of them, with a mild stream of light emanating from its edges.  I followed behind him, and he knocked three times.

   Then, to my surprise, Ronald came to answer it.  He was slightly bent over, and appeared exhausted.

   ,ÄúCome in!  Come in!  I didn,Äôt suspect to see you here!,Äù

   Ronald seemed ecstatic, and offered both of us some tea, though we declined politely.

   ,ÄúBut I thought you were working for the-,Äù, I said, as he interrupted:

   ,ÄúHah!  It,Äôs typical of them to pull that - they,Äôre disgusted at their own fucking incompetence, so its nice for them to pretend sometimes.  Idiots.,Äù

   ,ÄúYou two are the only ones left - the others were retrained for their little ,Äòjobs,Äô appropriately.,Äù

   ,ÄúI,Äôm sorry-,Äù I said, but he interrupted:

   ,ÄúNever liked those fuckers, anyway.  That fucking TEACHER, of all people, cracked on all of us; handed out all our names to the state.  I,Äôm sorry if I seem exhausted, boy, but I,Äôve been having a workout dodging any agents that may find me.  I,Äôm on their top priority at the moment - they wish to deport me.,Äù

   ,ÄúDeport you?,Äù

   ,ÄúYes - put me in one of those damned labor camps of theirs again.  Last time, it was minimum security - would have been refreshing, if not for the damn manual labor.  I got to sneak out, sometimes, saw what the other people,Äôs bars were like,Ķ  Their whiskey was a LOT better than this damned synthahol crap I,Äôve been making,Ķ  But I digress,Ķ,Äù

   As I inspected closer, his breath did smell oddly flagrant, and he seemed a bit more awkward - I knew of alcohol,Äôs effects from textbooks - but I had never seen anybody engage heavily in partaking it.

   ,ÄúWe need to live - I mean leave, tomorrow, boy.  Right before work; they will search for you if you don,Äôt show up.  We need to make haste in the morning.  For now, I must rest,Ķ,Äù

   He stumbled off to this archaic chamber - appeared to be made of fabric, and fell asleep.  Mark bowed and took his leave as well, to go to sleep.  I took a third chamber, and rested for what would come tomorrow.

[Idem]

PART EIGHT in like, 2 days, I guess.

[Idem]

I guess I'll do it tomorrow.

But please, any comments are welcome...

[Payne]

I read it earlier today. It reads well, but I'm still waiting for the shit to kick off.


~~~Looking forward to the next part.

[Idem]

**SPOILER ALERT**


SHIT AINT NEVAH GONNA KICK OFF.  THEY GONNA RUN AROUND IN A BIG DOME FOR THE LATTER HALF OF TEH STORY.  SRSLY.  OVER 9000 DISTRICTS.