Rev Roger, Sermon #60: The Coming Weird Times.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"And he maketh my hands red with war."
- The Book of Leviticus

"And he maketh my nose red with whiskey."
- The Book of Paddy O'Seamus.

HEY!  Looks pretty frickin' good out there, doesn't it?  Iraq is a mess, the Russkis are back (again), Central America hates us (still), the president is still a fool, and John Q Public is too busy watching American Idol to care. Even though it's still better than not enough, it's too much.  Something has to give, and that something may be you!

The Good Reverend has seen all of this before.

Everybody laughed at me when I got my tongue stuck in that printer that one time.  But now the WHOLE COUNTRY has it's tongue in the printer, and Joe is still trying to say how that's okay, how they MEANT to do that.  But even Joe doesn't really believe Joe, anymore.

Yes, friends, these are the End Times,Ñ¢.  These are the Coming Weird Times that Ivan Stang warned us about, befor he ran off to hang out with smelly fat Pagans,Ñ¢ near Cleveland.  Yes, Stang has abandoned us, in the hope of getting some Pagan pubes stuck in his pee-stained dentures, and Robert Anton Wilson is dead....so we're going to have to put our noses to the grindstone and actually do something ourselves.  We gotta GET some HORRIBLE YUKS in before it's TOO LATE!

CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?

Are you ready?  Are you ready to crack horrible jokes about things DECENT PEOPLE won't even BRING UP?  Are you ready to pull one last mindfuck, before the curtain comes down?  Ask yourself this, people...Ten years from now, when you're sitting around the campfire with the other refugees, and the little ones say, "Hey mister!  What did YOU do during the revolution?", what are you going to be able to say?

Will you be able to say "I blew up every Porta-Pottie in Muncie, Indiana"?  Or will you say "I smoked a lot of dope, and wrote some dadaist bullshit on a message board"?  Well, I got NEWS for you little screwheads!  There's no more TIME for dadaism!  The Weird Times are here NOW, friends, they are UPON US!

CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?   

And I have something else to tell you, friends...the time for Keepin' Your Damn Mouths Shut is at an end!  Brag your sins, brothers and sisters!  BRAG YOUR SINS, SO THAT OTHERS MAY TRY THEM!  Just don't brag too specifically.  We DO know, friends, that certain people that we cannot mention by law (The Patriot Act) have occasionally stopped in to check on the square pegs.

In an earlier sermon, I told you people that they were afraid of us.  Now it's up to YOU to remind them WHY.

Or Kill Me.

[Doktor Loki]

HALLELUJAH, BROTHER!!!



The Road of Bones lies before Ye, all that Ye need do is begin the march.

[Thurnez Isa]

In an earlier sermon, I told you people that they were afraid of us.  Now it's up to YOU to remind them WHY.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

There's no more TIME for dadaism!

There may be no more time for idle dadaist chat... but true dadaism can't be done on a message board... particularly not a message board by Discordians, about Discordians and for Discordians.

HALLELU-Yeah!

[Michal]

There may or may not be some interesting signs posted around a small town somewhere in the northeastern US.

Also,

[Jasper]

Michal and I also plan to Jake Seattle starting later next week.

[faust]

Brag your sins, brothers and sisters!  BRAG YOUR SINS, SO THAT OTHERS MAY TRY THEM!  Just don't brag too specifically.


In an earlier sermon, I told you people that they were afraid of us.  Now it's up to YOU to remind them WHY.

Or Kill Me.

KEY POINTS OF INTEREST:
Shops climate control.
logged in work pc's

my personal favorite; the staff canteen tv(there was uproar when someone put a password lock on every channel and forgot to tell anyone what it was)

REMEMBER; in a uniform, no back room is off limits.

all electricity meters are hard as hell to reverse/stop, but speeding them up is a not that hard.

your vocal cords are there for a purpose, with them you will never be alone.

ever noticed a key on the wall by automatic doors that people forget to take out in shops

"I love you" should be said to at least one person a day, as is "I hate you" it will cheer you up no end, as will saying "Oh for a hand grenade" and "I wonder how much air is in here" in the appropriate places.

exposed electrical devices such as toasters and have a nasty habit of blowing fuses when combined with lukozade

[Cain]

My brags will appear in my latest writings (Last Laugh of the Show).

After I get the shit beaten out of me, that is.

[Cramulus]

Everybody laughed at me when I got my tongue stuck in that printer that one time.

That's true, but I was laughing because I thought someone had finally shot ye. remember?

flashback chime. fade to:

If, as you were reading this, someone shot you in the back and you only had time to type a brief reply before keeling over dead, what would your last words be?



aaaand
BANG!

"I got my tongue stuck in the printer again."

/flashback

anyway, it's the hapless idiots who will lead us forward. Like colbert and stewart and the president.

Are you ready?  Are you ready to crack horrible jokes about things DECENT PEOPLE won't even BRING UP? 

I WAS STILLBORN READY!

Are you ready to pull one last mindfuck, before the curtain comes down?  Ask yourself this, people...Ten years from now, when you're sitting around the campfire with the other refugees, and the little ones say, "Hey mister!  What did YOU do during the revolution?", what are you going to be able to say?

it's partially my fault.

CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?   

HALLELUJAH!

[Darth Cupcake]

MITTENS OF INFINITE FUCK YEAH for you, Mister TGRR, sir.



And a flaming port-a-potty from when I was in Paris.

[LMNO]

Hell Yeah, and HALLELUJAH!

[That One Guy]

I love the TGRR sermons. Nothing like it to get me riled up and moving, so HELL YEAH and HALLELUJAH!

[East Coast Hustle]

Michal and I also plan to Jake Seattle starting later next week.

remember that time about 6 years ago that someone filled all the coin slots in every parking meter between Stewart and James with epoxy resin?



that one NEVER gets old.

ECH,
not saying, just saying

[Cain]

Did someone have a lot of time on their hands, by any chance?

Also, its good to have a syringe for such things, as it gets it really deep in.  With locks and stuff, especially.

Not that I condone any such actions, but its well worth noting, if you see suspicious people with syringes about. Of course.

[B_M_W]

Michal and I also plan to Jake Seattle starting later next week.

remember that time about 6 years ago that someone filled all the coin slots in every parking meter between Stewart and James with epoxy resin?



that one NEVER gets old.

ECH,
not saying, just saying

Seattle better watch out. Those two together are lethal.