Property of mission control 2nd part

[froclown]

                                             Topic One-History of Religion
   Welcome to page one, please be seated and partake of the madness here in. We
shall begin at the turn of the end of time. The Earth is gone, but no one really misses it. I
mean only the primitive life forms, which depended entirely too much on physical
manifestation, even cared when it had gone, this was of course, because the too had gone
with it. It was just an ordinary ball of mud flouting around in endless circles around a
much larger ball of fused hydrogen; I must have seen a billion just like it. This one had
one particular difference, it had some how manager to create life from mud. Until I had
crossed paths with the pathetic little planet, we believed that life was a characteristic that
could only occur in aetheric beings such as ourselves. Many scientists amongst us still
can't believe that physical matter actually brought forth life, and very few believe that
if such life existed it could have true intelligence. That debate continued until the end
of time, when everyone stopped caring about physical matter, since it no longer existed.
That is saving for a few of our historians who believed that they could resurrect the past
by recording it as aetheric patterns in inter-transitional space. We began the difficult task
of recording history as we remember it, we may be somewhat mistaken about certain
aspects of matter, and relationships to "Physical laws" which do not apply to us, but we
gave it our best shot. The results of these conferences have been documented here, in
such a way that, beings outside of our universe can look into this one, and we can relate
what we believe to be an accurate description of what our world was like to physically
dependant beings. These life forms lived for a brief portion of a learner time line. Yet we
will still be focusing on an extremely brief period of what the intelligent life called 3000
years, this is the time it took the Earth to orbit the Sun 3000 times, this is also the length
of time it too for human to live over 30 life times.
       Our story begins in the first year that humans thought they should record. In this
year, improperly labeled 0, an influential man was born, he was named Jesus, because he
was mistakenly thought to be Puerto Rican, but in fact he was Hebrew. When he was
older, he walked around spouting about God, the humans' imaginary supreme alpha
male and discussing secret traditions with commoners. This made the traditionalist Jews
very upset. The Romans, who were currently in control of the Jews didn't him either,
since he could have become king. The Jews disowned Jesus, and the Romans feared him.
Caesar, the Roman leader, didn't want to be shown up by a Puerto Rican ex-Jew, so the
Jews and Romans plotted against him. They killed him by mounting him to a cross. Many
humans liked to display the remains of what they killed by nailing it to a plank, so the
Romans decided to do both at once. This would have worked, and had worked very well
on others, had it not been for Jesus' followers, who decided to make up this idea that he
didn't die, which that meant he was sacred and, created a cult around the man's life. This
cult prospered greatly for some time, especially in the early years when the questioners
were killed, or forced to convert. Not much happened for quite some time, various cults
and cultures were created and destroyed, most of those, which survived, had good
thoughts on how to get along peacefully, and not cause conflicts with their world. These
were soon destroyed and replaced by the Jesus cult, whose members believed that
everything that entertained people was Evil, and must be avoided. They liked to do be
gloomy and solemn, and criticize others, for doing what they were afraid to do. This sect
broke up into many sects and each had its own very slightly different ideas, which were
all absolutely the truth. Soon there were thousands of groups, all fighting about what was
true. Some men began to believe that if they could predicted certain relationships
between matter and events, stating that these must be the real truths. They called this
science. Science became like another division of the church. To some this new Science
was evil, others believe some of what the scientists' said, unless it disagreed with religion.
Scientist began to see religion as false ideas created out of ignorance and rejected it.
Religious leaders believed they had real truth and science was a lie. Many people
continued to believe in God, and Jesus, despite science, but believed science, when not in
a church context. The Church remained to most as a place to gossip about others. This
gossiping took the form of mocking others for disobeying the tenants of the church,
which existed mostly to make humans feel guilty, for acting like humans. Some people
who were had had enough of this decided to try reinstating the old religions which
existed before the Jesus cult took over. They relied on the few remaining myths about
ancient gods, and harrowed from the Hermetic arts of Egypt, and updated occult
philosophies based on Egyptian and Hebrew traditions. These new religions were not like
the originals, but they were at least partially based on them. Many began to turn to these
new religions, to escape the Jesus cult, and because of personal beliefs relating to
race/gender relations and environmental importance. These new religions were attacked
by the Jesus cult, as being evil. Science attacked then along with the Jesus cult as
irrational. Then one day in a bowling alley, two men thought about how much chaos and
confusion there was, and realized that that is how it is supposed to be. The reason that no
one could agree on anything was that everyone sees the same things outside themselves,
but everyone understands it differently. Scientist can only understand how one thing
relates to another, in one way at a time. They can't explain its emotion impact. The new
religious groups broke away from the Jesus cult, because it tried to make everyone see
things from one angle, and discouraged free thought. These men wrote a book, relating
what they had learned in a chaotic way, so that it could be looked upon in many ways.
Most people thought it was a joke, and ignored them. A few people, who read it,
however, realized its importance, and created their own religion on the concept of
having no rules, or concepts, of any kind. They became known as Discordians. Very few
actually got to this point, even with the help of one Discordian author, who wrote over 20
books on the topic of Discordianism, and related topics. Since few actually gave
Discordianism a chance, the various religious sects did exactly what the Discordians
knew they would. They fought violently, and created so much destructive order, that
soon destructive disorder resulted. This destructive disorder brought about the end of
time. (Thus concludes Physical existence sub-category religion.)

Possession of a possessed pie is a serious crime on some planets.


The Wanderings of Universal Conscience.
   A blank page of pristine whiteness spreads out, framed by tiny symbols and buttons, title
bars and the usual Microsoft Works paraphernalia. The screen is very dim; I am at a loss as to why
thus is, something is draining the power. The A/C just kicked on, could this explain the onslaught
of dimnation and rebrightening that plagues my vision of the white black drop which is
increasingly filling with black smudges. On close inspection these smudges appear to be symbols
of some sort, perhaps there is a message hidden in there groupings. Perhaps this is a great
message of peace and wisdom from some God or Alien being. Why should Gods and Aliens be
wise? Perhaps it is some kind of pointless rant from an insane God or crazed Extra terrestrial.
Below this illuminated screen appear a pair of hands depressing and arrangement of symbols
matching those with are appearing, the simple that the buttons depressions are reflected in the
screen. Which causes the other, they appear simultaneously, and perhaps both things have some kind
of non-causal linking factor or synchronicity which makes them occur simultaneously. Who is it
that controls those hands, I can trace them back to a shoulder attached to a torso, then down to legs
and even feet, tracking up wards ends about 4 inches from my point of awareness. Thus it is
assumed that I is I who is conducting this bazaar pollution, smudging this pure environment with
esoteric symbols, but who am I, I'm I the author of a new found wisdom, or some crazed author
of non-sense. I would appear to be a bipedal life form if my assumption based on memories and
current sensory data are to be trusted. Am I only me because I perceive myself as an I, perhaps the
I-ness I perceive is as speculative as my other assumptions. Thus it remains unknown if these
words are written by a familiar being, one of an unfamiliar origin, or by no author at all. All that
can be known, if known is an acceptable term, is that these smudges popping up are an inherent
function of the universe, like everything else, conscience, understanding, and perception, are not
qualities belonging to things, since such things merely exist themselves as a universal function.



-1-                                                       Stardate: 04.16.00.1211.99.01
Miko and his Wacky Wonder Pants
   This is the story of a man-boy named Miko and his wonderful wonderpants.
Milo and his pants shared so many adventures I don't even know where to begin. I will
start when Miko first found his wonderpants and thus made a new friend.
   One day Miko was frolicking when he saw his future pants. "What brand
spanking new pants I have found", Miko thought. They hit it right off and have never
parted since, although they have been through some difficulties. For example one day
Miko was trying to walk through some automatic doors but they didn't open so he just
ran right into the door. Just as he was wondering why sometimes automatic doors
open and sometimes they don't the door spoke to him. "We work hard everyday
opening and stuff so we get our kicks by watching poor fools run into us every once in
a while. You'd think people would beware of such things but they are normally
oblivious." Then his wonderpants spoke up and said, "Yeah. Don't you ever realize
that I make flagellant noise with my rear pockets in an effort to humiliate you in front of
any significant others?" This enraged Miko and he left that very day with his
wonderpants to live in a monastery where technological wonders couldn't make him
feel stupid.
The Adventures at the Monastery
   Miko made friends at a rapid pace. There were so many people at the
monastery so full of life and humor. There was Spanky who enjoyed beating other
monks over the back with a plank of wood during daily meditation. There was just no
accounting for that Spanky. Zipper enjoyed playing practical jokes. It was his only form
of amusement since he took that darn vow of silence. He would drop nuts out of tress
onto the monks and then try and blame it on the blind squirrel. That poor squirrel. And
then there was Choco. Choco was the only monk that dressed as a woman. But that's
a story for another time. Anyway Miko enjoyed his time at the monastery. It gave him
time to pursue his true hobby, the one thing in life that gave him immense amounts of
pleasure... high explosives. He would sit around all day making explosives then when

-2-                                                    Stardate: 04.16.00.1211.99.01
night would come, he would find something that looked interesting and then blow it up.
He passed the time away like this (about three years I believe), but his fun was
tragically cut short by a terrible accident.
Fate
   On one particularly pleasant afternoon (accidents always happen on pleasant
days) Miko was frolicking through the woods with some C4 he made the previous day
under his arm whistling show tunes. He came upon a small patch of earth worthy of
being destroyed and set his explosive into place. Then it came. Suddenly. Nut after
started falling from above Miko. He looked up and saw the blind squirrel smiling away
throwing nut after deadly nut. He yelled at it to stop but the squirrel keep smiling and
continued hurling away. If one of those nuts hit the half set up explosive then he would
kill both of them. Miko started running away and when he got to a safe distance the
squirrel stopped throwing nuts and instead started chewing on one like normal non-
psychotic squirrels do. But when he was done he let the nut drop and land on the C4
setting it off. The explosion was smaller then it normally is (maybe Miko was slacking
off that day) and didn't really hurt the squirrel. The squirrel was quite startled though
and ran down the branch straight into the trunk of the tree. He then lost his balance
and fell to the ground.
   Now Miko felt compassion for the blind squirrel. After all how is a blind squirrel
going to go about finding his nuts? He fell off his tree and lost all sense of where he
was. Miko would help the squirrel find his nuts. He lifted the unconscious squirrel upon
his shoulders and then climbed up the tree and searched everywhere. He even took
off his wonderpants so that they could separate and cover more ground. He searched
tree after tree. What if he never found the squirrel's nuts? What good is a squirrel if he
is nut-less? Miko and his wonderful wonderpants searched all day until they finally
found his hidden stash of nuts. Then at that moment the presumably insane squirrel
leaped from Miko's shoulder onto his stash of nuts. He began throwing them at Miko
with all his force babbling about how "Even blind squirrels can find nuts in a pinch!"
One of the airborne nuts lodged in Miko's eye and he fell from the tree. Luckily his
wonderpants phoned the hospital and had Miko airlifted to safety.

           
It's All Fun and Games Till Someone Loses an Eye
   The doctors told Miko he was lucky. Most people who get a nut lodged in their
eye never regain full sight but he would regain some. This is only one of the many
adventures of Miko and his wonderpants. If anyone is interested in what Miko is
currently doing, he is traveling the country preaching to the youth the dangers of high
explosives and nuts. If ever the reader encounters a half-blind man with half blinding
shiny wonderpants tell him Weasel says hello and that I will promptly return his prized
carpet sample collection so long as he leaves $10000 in small unmarked bills in a
brown burlap bag behind the, you know what, you know where, you know when.

Pieist  nerds enslave the lower forms of life for their K.K.PIE lynching parties One Pope's Ranting for Better Understanding of a Goddess' Plan.
   Alas, once again I find myself in the middle of the chrono-stream, floating down a
current whose end is nearly absolutely defined as oblivion. Pushed along by Father time, who
destroys everything I know, as soon as I become accustomed to it. It is he who constantly pushes
me forward into the unknown future, faster than my mind can grasp, giving me a false sense of
present, which in truth is recent past. This false present is all I know, and can know, the past
being lost with in a infinite possibility of pasts, my memory, which is likely to be false, is my
only key that the past even exist. This is pointless, and wasteful to ponder, however, seeing as the
future which is even more infinitely unpredictable is constantly bombarding my senses with
millions of new things which appear from nowhere, and disappear into the past simultaneously.
How many of these things are true, how many figments of my imagination? How can I tell them
apart? My best guess is that everything exists as some inseparable combination of external
truth, and internal interpretation. Does everything exist as 50/50 or are some things more
external/internal than others? Some things may exist entirely on their own, while other
completely within my mind. This brings about the question of, is there a difference between what
is "out there" and what is in my mind? Perhaps my mind reflects what is out there, or what is out
there is a reflection of my mind. If I were to use my 50/50 hypothesis what is in and what is out
are both reflections of each other, which can not exist on there own.
None of these primal questions can be answered, and any attempt to answer them, or an
of the fundamental questions of science and reasoning only result in no answers, and a whole jumble of questions, and fragments, which don't seem to make sense. This is what a discordian refers to as Chaos. IT is at the very basis of everything, the fact that nothing can really be known, and all order is created out of chaos by guessing. Statements are then created, which support than guess, and more state to support the first statements. Once this reaches a level where the statements seem to supply answers which people can agree with, most of the time, we call them laws. People decide that following these laws is order, and not following them is disorder. It is commonly believed that disorder leads to chaos, but when one loots closely at any law, it can be found that it is based on chaos; therefore it is just a chaotic to blindly follow laws, as it is to disobey the laws. Since all laws are based on chaos, and everything is essential chaotic, the discordian has learned that this chaos can be destructive, or constructive. A discordian will try to make use of the constructive part as much a possible, disregarding weather or not it is constructive order or constructive disorder. If he finds that more constructive results, than destructive results will occur from disobeying a law, the discordian will disobey it. If disobeying
the law will be destructive, then he will obey the law. Many members of discordian cabals may
seek out both destructive and constructive disorder, which they are in the right to do, as it is
constructive to have some destruction. In short we discordians recognize that everything is
grounded in chaos, and we realize that any attempt to impose order on the world will fail, and just
increase the amount of one type of chaos, orderly chaos. We must create disorderly chaos so that
there is a balance, and not a surplus of Orderly chaos. So if you think you have the one true
answer to life the universe and everything, tell a discordian, so he can punch so many holes in
your theory it seeks, back into the chaos matrix from which it formed. You keep creating order,
and we will keep destroying it, that's who everything continues to exist. If either side ever gave
up, then there would be no order created or destroyed, and chaos would cease to exist. When
chaos no longer exists, nothing can be created from it, and everything is lost.

[Kimmy Gibbler]

The very first Communists were early Slavic tribes who owned so little they had to share everything. They were renowned warriors, whose battle tactics consisted of getting as drunk as mortally possible, then drink twice as much more and charge at the enemy wielding a hammer in one hand and a sickle in the other. Even in these early times they were called the Red Army for their red faces (esp. noses). A Communist Warrior was terrible to behold in battle, bashing, slicing, and breathing alcoholic fumes at his enemies. Mortally wounded, he would merely fall asleep at the field of battle, only to wake up the next morning with regenerated limbs, healed wounds and a severe headache.

[Messier Undertree]

  Hey froclown, do you know what happed? Oh, by the way, this is nothing to do with
  this thread. I went to Yoshinoya the other day. YOSHINOYA! And there were
  so crowded and I couldn’t even find a place to sit. Then, I found the
  advertising saying “150 yen off!.” My goodness! How come you are all coming,
  and sitting at Yoshinoya for just “150 yen off?” I saw a familie, like four
  of them with their kids. This guy’s saying “All right, your dad is ordering
  an extra large bowl.” What a pathetic! Hey you bastards. I can give my 150
  yen. So, just give me a break alright? Yoshinoya should be a place where
  people are fighting, like two jerks facing on each other against “U shaped
  table,” then one of them can be stubbed to death by any chance. This is how
  Yoshinoya’s suppose to. This ain’t a place for no woman and no kid. Alright,
  I finally found a place to sit. Then, the jerk next to me was ordering a
  large size with putting extra juice on it. That pissed me off once again.
  Hey jerk, we ain’t order “putting extra juice on a bowl” no more today!
  What a stupid you looked: ordering extra juice with his goofy face! Do you
  really want to eat a beef bawl with extra juice on it? I really want to ask
  you, interrogating you for an hour. Don’t you just want to say “an extra
  juice!?” As a professional Yoshinoya customer, I would rather order “extra
  scallions.” This is the coolest way. You get more scallions, and less beefs.
  This is it! It can be the best, if you put a raw egg on it. No one can beat
  this. But you have to be careful because if you order this way, the Yoshinoya
  employees gonna put you on their black lists. This can be so dangerous,
  like a risk of fighting with a double edged blade. So, I don’t recommend
  the beginners to do this... froclown, you’d rather ordering some ordinary set menu
  instead.

In conclusion, LURK MOAR.

[LMNO]

In The Beginning, when Pope Weasel and myself first formulated the idea of
collaborating on a project, we knew it would be very difficult to integrate our results.
Instead of trying to do a descent job of integration, I suggested that we just write a bunch
of random chapters, having little to do with each other, so that the whole book would be a
jumble of nonsense.