Dear Anthropologists From the Future

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dear anthropologists from the future:

The issue of fair compensation is one that concerns me considerably. As a champion of the common people I often rail against the exploitation of laborers by employers, who will often coup hundreds of thousands of dollars from a single employee's annual efforts yet pay only a minuscule percentage of those profits to that employee. In examining your practices it has become clear to me that you indulge in a similar exploitation of your abductees, who are essentially study subjects of a scientific nature and undergo sometimes risky and certainly inadequately tested procedures, yet receive zero compensation for their time and risk.

You may rationalize that, because they are not under contract and have all memories of the study erased from their brains, they are not entitled to any compensation. Perhaps you justify your treatment by saying that you are not legally required to pay wages to subjects of anthropological study. However, I think that this assumption requires reexamination on your part. First, your study subjects cannot be considered volunteers by any means, and they are subject to involuntary loss of sleep, psychological disturbance, physical discomfort, and emotional anguish due to improperly erased memories of your procedures. They also often suffer ostracization by their peers, post-traumatic stress syndrome, symptoms of megalomania, depression, and other compromises in their quality of life as a direct consequence of being abducted and studied.

Since you seem to focus your studies on our current society's more marginalized individuals to begin with, these people, who frequently experience social difficulty and minimal employment before abduction, often lose both friends and livelihood and are perceived as insane by peers due to their persistent claims of having been kidnapped by aliens. I do comprehend the importance of examining a society's rejects in order to understand the mechanisms of that society, however I believe it is also important to treat study subjects as human beings and equals... however far removed our idea of "human" is from yours.

The issue of compensation does provide some quandaries in terms of producing real compensation without creating incongruities in the time continuum. Physical products displaced from their original time frame could be problematic, and as I am uneducated in the mechanics of time-travel I hesitate to even offer the notion of physical goods given in payment as a solution. Planting suggestions that abductees purchase a lottery ticket with certain numbers sounds promising, but seems inadequate.

Perhaps the best solution would be for you to utilize some of the memory-manipulating technologies you already use in your studies, and implant marketable skills such as database management, computer programming, graphic design, drafting, etc. so that these presently marginal individuals whom you have chosen as test subjects may obtain lucrative employment post-abduction. It would be wise to avoid implantation of skills which would require much social interaction to implement in the workplace, due to the common perception of your test subjects as "losers" and "weirdos", however, they should experience substantial acceptance in almost any computer-related field.

Thank you for considering this letter. I hope you take action quickly to remedy this situation of inadequate compensation, as I think it will be in your own best interest as well as those living in this milieu. Bear in mind that your ethical violations are ample grounds for a very large class-action suit, and that under our current courts of law you would stand no chance of acquittal... nor, I suspect, would you under your own courts, and don't imagine that the passage of time will protect you from a legal ruling against you. Pro-labor lawyers would be more than happy to go to work on ensuring that a ruling against you would still be effective for millennia to come, and eventually you would be made to pay... with interest. It is clearly to the benefit of all parties concerned that you begin compensating your study subjects in a timely manner, including back pay for previous abductees.

Yours respectfully,

Nigel T. Burie
21st century.   

[Random Probability]

I was tempted to say tl;dr, but by then I'd read it...

Not to pick nits, but "Abductees" are either batshit crazy and/or needy little bitches who need imaginary friends to somehow make them important.  This is a fact.  These are the same people who at some point in their lives have sex with imaginary pagan dieties.  Hot sex, as a matter of fact.  Hot, dirty, safe, clean, guilt-free sex.  Like masturbation, only with a God.

I should dig up one of my rants about mental masturbation and how idiots shouldn't be allowed to produce their own endorphins.  Makes them see god(s), you see....

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Wait, you do get that it's a jake, right?

'Cause other wise:

"It would be wise to avoid implantation of skills which would require much social interaction to implement in the workplace, due to the common perception of your test subjects as "losers" and "wierdos", however, they should experience substantial acceptance in almost any computer-related field."

is a completely wasted line.

[Random Probability]

I admit I skimmed.  I must have missed the lulzy parts.

(re-reads)

needs moar tentacles

and tits.

[hooplala]

Not to pick nits, but "Abductees" are either batshit crazy and/or needy little bitches who need imaginary friends to somehow make them important.  This is a fact.  These are the same people who at some point in their lives have sex with imaginary pagan dieties.  Hot sex, as a matter of fact.  Hot, dirty, safe, clean, guilt-free sex.  Like masturbation, only with a God.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I admit I skimmed.  I must have missed the lulzy parts.

(re-reads)

needs moar tentacles

and tits.

I don't do tentacles, but there are some tits in the Stanley story.

[Random Probability]

I admit I skimmed.  I must have missed the lulzy parts.

(re-reads)

needs moar tentacles

and tits.

I don't do tentacles, but there are some tits in the Stanley story.