A FAPCAB NAMED DESIRE

[Cramulus]

So this weekend I treated the WRATH OF MSPAINT CABAL to a showing of that musical production that all you spags are in. I usually don't like musicals, and this one was no exception. Had I not had a lot of friends in it, you wouldn't have forced me into that theater without a straight jacket and a bulldozer.

Annnnyway, the WOMP Cabal seated ourselves in the front row and waited in rapt attention for the first ever performance of A FAPCAB NAMED DESIRE.

For those of you who aren't familliar with the play, it stars LMNO as a cab driver. That's about all I could make sense of. The rest of it... well... It's as as incoherent as Robert Anton Wilson mixing acid and benzedrine. The dialogue is like someone had a computer translate the script into German, then Spanish, then back to English. The acting was so bad I couldn't tell if it was intentional. The props and sets looked like they were hastily thrown together at the last minute by drunks and drug addicts. This was a bad play - poorly written, poorly directed, poorly performed. Don't go see it. In fact, go tell other people not to see it.





Listen, I know you guys have been rehearsing for weeks and weeks. I know your little hearts were in it, so I don't want to hurt your feelings. But I'm the kind of friend who will tell you if you've got something stuck in your teeth. This show was just plain bad. The house was packed at the beginning, and empty by final curtains. The audience was lucky to get any ovation, let alone a standing one. When they came out for the final curtain call, rotten fruit was thrown. And in all fairness, the only guy clapping was Payne, and he was so drunk I think he might have been trying to *fap* but just misspelled it.

So without further ado, are some pictures and reviews from FAPCAB.



BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WRATH OF MS PAINT CABAL

[Cramulus]

LMNO's performance as the cabdriver was sadly lacking. I've heard some of his tracks before, and I know he can sing. But in his duet with Aretha Franklin, "Raped by Food", I couldn't help but think he had been hitting the jenkem back stage.

[Payne]

Penumbral and The Pirates of Pens Ass showed up to do a special number of their own, which, normally would be a treat. On this occasion, however, the dynamic of this normally outstanding group of performers was thrown out by the illness of regular member Requiem, who had to be replaced at short notice by Ambassador Klok Kaos.

The result was a pitchy performance, positively ear rending at points.

Penumbral himself was understated, but, as readers of gossip magazines wil know, has recently been battling weight problems. He appeared to be wearing some kind of corset which restricted his normal vocals to a mere whisper.

Izzo, who has just been released from rehab, seemed confused by the entire affair, and even appeared wearing the groups usual headgear.

The less said about Kaos, the better.

[Triple Zero]

Ratatosk's casting as LHX's comic relief sidekick in the Possibility Predicate Posse, a renegade group of rebelling semantic subjectivists, was not only unfortunate as well as highly aggravating, spouting inane oneliners like a twelve year-old that just discovered the sentence-fragment "... that's what she said!":

LHX: "E-Prime, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!"
Ratatosk: ".. IN SOME SENSE!"
Cainad: "Dude .. I .. have a heart condition .."
Ratatosk: ".. MAYBE!"

[Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ]

[Cramulus]

[Payne]

The Good Reverend Roger, revisiting his role as the "Beautiful Fairy Princess" seemed very much out of sorts on the night.

The usual vocal power was there, but seemed to be uncontrolled and, at times, frighteningly close to breaking down completely.

An ill advised dance routine saw him nearly lost a foot to a stage light, and a near fight broke out when he thrust his pelvis into the face of an 80 year old woman on the front row.

An enigmatic performer at the best of times, Roger seemed to cross the line into eccentricity and bewildering oddness.

If this is any indication of his future on the stage, then that future may well be very short indeed.

[Eve]

Jenne's performance was highly disappointing. If slurred lines weren't enough, her callous laughter during the death of Bambi's mother went too far.

[Richter]

The local school board and police department now truly regret ever asking that the multitude of "Fapcab's" performers add in a section on the dangers of drug abuse as a public service.  "Jenkem Madness", just as unrealistic and banal as the "Mental Hygiene" films which it took it's tone from, this skit left us all resolved to find a vendor of street drugs and relentlessly shoot, snort and smoke as soon as we left the theatre.  After the haze of intoxicant receded, we are still haunted by the leering faces, the mounds of manure and fecal matter, and the upstanding and enthusiastic players so horribly debasing themselves.

[Cramulus]

I decided to hang out in the bathroom until the wretched musical number was over. I came back and this shit was going on. I have asked several other members of the audience, most of whom were awake at the time, and nobody could explain this scene to my satisfaction.

[Eve]

Rocky Horror Picture Show? More like Retinal Hemorrhage Picture Show. The costume department had no chance in this production, due to the unsightly nature of the actors who have obviously been hitting the drugs and booze too much between shows. This should have had an effect on the quality of the performance, but I can't imagine ANYthing could have made it worse.

[Dr. Paes]

The lights dimmed and people hurriedly picked up their belongings ready to leave.
The aisles were full of people rushing to get out of the theatre.
But the doors were still barred.
The stage lights flickered back to life.
The audience slowly, fearfully made their way back to their seats.
With the previous acts in mind they watched anxiously as a new band of performers made their way on stage.
...and then all hell broke loose.

[Payne]

The dancing number starring Dr. Loki and Mr. Suu seemed to have been improvised on the night, so wooden  were the moves.

Somewhat questionable as he is already, Loki appeared blacked up like some kind of terrible '50s variety show, sparking concern in this writer that the show may spark a racial backlash. A Low-Key performance it was not.

Mr. Suu seems to have reached the end of his patience with this production, and even apeared to be drunk on stage, at one point tripping over his heels, and head butting Loki in the back of the head.

No one seemed to notice these errors, so bad was the acting, the singing, the scripting and the direction.

Ill advised, morally dubious, and definitely one to miss.

[Richter]

John Paul Vexation's "Pan of Japan" dance and flute routine was another pestilent pustule upon this performance's profound posterior.  Supposedly inspired by musical mogul, Gilbert Sullivan LMNO, and his obsession with the Shakuhachi, this was less a serenade of love and nature, and more the vile piping of Azathoth.  We in the Entertainment Section truly wish the idiot nuclear chaos would more forcibly inspire this performance, so we could all be mercifully cleansed from life by fallout and holocaust.

[Cramulus]

A Fapcab Named Desire was a gross combination of child pornography, beastiality and (insert technical term for sex with robots or scarecrows).
We give it a 0/5 - The Daily Glob